Let’s face facts: holidays fucking blow. They just aren’t any good at all. I don’t know whose idea it was, and I don’t know why everyone started jumping jack diddily about them, all I know is that they are a plague of the earth and must be stopped, no matter how violent or atrocious the war crimes used may be. Well, I take back the two things I said. I know whose idea it was: a bunch of fucking assholes who sat around on toilets holding in their indubitably vile, wretched cholera-infested diarrhea just to spur orgasms of the most indescribable horror. And as for why people love them so much, the answer is simple: everyone but me sucks. I don’t celebrate any holidays. Period. Now I’ll have to convince all you bastards out there who are on your respective toilets, drinking Coke and playing with action figures because you have no lives, saying, “By goly, even it makes me a despicable faggot, I’m going to like holidays!” Well, guess what, dip-shit? Today’s the day the dream dies. Let’s do this! Eins! Zwei! Drei! NAZI!
Oh boy! Leave it up to the human race to make a holiday celebrating that a year has passed. HOLY SHIT! I’VE LIVED FOR ANOTHER YEAR! GUESS I SHOULD GET DRUNK AND MAKE AN ASS OF MYSELF! I fucking hate this holiday. Its two symbols are a baby and an old person? Babies and old people suck. First off, people think of it as a fresh start, based simply on the fact that (OMFG NOO) a year has passed. Hoo boy. Want to know something funny? An infinite number of measurements of one year just passed as you were reading every sentence, word, and letter, because any measurement can be infinitely small! That’s right, jackass, and ONE YEAR AGO HOLY SHIT it was this same day. A million years just passed, so did a billion, so did 7809834 trillion. Time passes all the time. Who gives a shit?
People like to shove their fist up a buffalo’s asshole and laugh, “Why do the Chinese celebrate New Years in the middle of January! It doesn’t make any sense!” Whoa, aren’t you clever. Got a fresh one for Comedy Central, which is probably true because Comedy Central sucks. Ever occur to you, you racist fuck, maybe they don’t use the same one you use and it doesn’t matter? Just like those bastards who made such a big deal out of the year 2000 because a thousand years have passed! Really makes you think. If you’re a stupid fucking cunt, that is. Well, if it weren’t for A) the new millennium, in the dumbass terms they were thinking in, was in 2001 and B) an infinite number of measurements of one millennium have passed in the last second, that might matter a little more, but I guess it doesn’t. All this is the foundation for New Year’s resolutions. Fucking great. Fuck you, the Greeks.
I think we should just change this to “Waste Fucking Money On Your Whore Girlfriend Day.” Seriously, does anyone buy into this fucking retarded day of love? If anyone said yes, ask yourself this? Who the hell is Saint Valentine? Do you even know? I bet you don’t. Do you know why this holiday is celebrated? Nope. So if you don’t know, you’re an ignorant jackass who give money to women because you have no penis. If you do know and still don’t use rocket launchers on anyone who practices this holiday, you should be boiled in acid. Let me tell you what the dealio with Valentine’s day is. It was back when women were objects (like they should be), and every guy drew a name with a slip that had a bitch’s name on it. They then got bootylicious with the whore for a year, until the next drawing. So it was “Free Women Day.” What the hell happened? Something went seriously FUBAR with this holiday operation. It went from frees bitches to spend money on your bling-bling-I-don’t-put-out girlfriend. All right, this sucks. You know, Rome took over Greece, stole their Gods, their shitty calendar, then defiled the only potential holiday. Fuck you, Rome.
PRESIDENT’S DAY!!!! Or should I say George Washington and Abe Lincoln Day. No other presidents are celebrated, why not? Let’s have an Andrew Jackson holiday called “Banks Suck Day,” where we destroy the economy of the U.S. and then blame it on Martin Van Buren, OR SHOULD I SAY MARTIN VAN….RUIN! Holy shit, I’m awesome. But seriously, Lincoln’s Birthday is the 12th and Washington’s is the 22nd and President’s Day is the 16th. What the hell? That’s not even the average of the two days. At least make it the fucking 17th, you bastards. What a bunch of bullshit. Fuck you, America.
Who thinks this shit up? St. Patrick’s Day? I didn’t even look up the reason for this holiday, because quite frankly I just don’t give a shit. I really don’t. They might as well fuck my nose with anthrax robot needle penises, because I’d rather experience that than another St. Patrick’s Day. Leprechauns are stupid, getting drunk in the name of Ireland is stupid, and the color green sucks. Everyone hates the color green. NO ONE LIKES IT. Its hangs out at the end of the rainbow with indigo, which is just a shitty version of blue, and purple, the universal sign for “I’m a shitty fag-fag.” I know that St. Patrick gave Ireland monasteries or something stupid like that from common knowledge. You’re telling me that Pat here established religion using little green people, alcohol, and the color green? To quote Frylock, “No, no way in the world, no way on earth.” No wonder the English virtually enslaved Ireland, it was for their own damn good. Fuck you, Ireland.
Hoopidy Doggidy Doggy Dog! ITS TIME TO PULL SOME PRANKS YALL! Go fuck yourself, April Fools Day. I don’t even care.
Easter thinks its such hot shit. It really does. It thinks it can walk around with such a flabby Nazi penis because “Day” isn’t at the end of it. Why isn’t Easter called Easter Day? Its part of the jackass holiday club that goes around saying, “We don’t have to have ‘Day’ at the end of our name!” Ding-dong! Guess who! It’s the bullshit police, hands behind your head and kiss the carpet, Jesus. Why the hell does the Son of God have to bow down to a fucking rabbit? And why in the hell does He put up with colors that are toned about six tones brighter above retarded? You won’t be seeing any Easter fashions hitting the shelves at Saks Fifth Avenue. Jesus Christ, why don’t you come down from Heaven, put a divine magnum of retribution on every single sonouvabitch who likes Easter, and blow their goddamn brains off the earth and, while you’re at it, existence. Fuck you, rabbits, and goddamn it Jesus, hurry the fuck up.
See April Fools Day. And fuck you, Gaylord Nelson. That’s about the faggotiest name in existence; thank your parents there, shitface.
I love this holiday because it isn’t fascism. Wait for the irony…oh, there it is. Sorry, I was running a little behind on the whole Jesus bit. Yeah, no problem, Irony, its cool. What a great idea! Let’s set off fireworks and raise the good ole’ Stars and Stripes! Fucking shit. The only good thing about this holiday is that people like to blow their arms and faces off with fireworks. That rules. I mean, that’s God right there. He may be still a little biased against smiting Easter, but he’s all over the fourth of July. Then people can blame it on Jackass and say that the warning wasn’t enough and that kids don’t listen. Woops. Did you just ruin your whole argument? I fucking hate people. Next thing you know people will be suing companies for doing good things, like four years of free cable. Oh wait.
Alright, another one of the “I suck because I’m not called ‘Day’” Holidays! Halloween. What sucks about Halloween? Hm. There are two great sins in the Universe. Children. Old people. Nope. Guess Halloween-OH WAIT. Children. Millions of them. Running around screaming. Paralyzing my brain with waves of stupidity. GIVE ME THE CANDY. I think there should be a federal law that states that all people must poison at least a hundred percent of their candy with something that is either fatal or will kill you. That way the children will die. It will be like when the Angel of Death took the first born of every family, except it will be taking the all born of every family. BWAHAHAHAHA! And let’s not forget the loveable Halloween movies, staring that loveable jack-fuck Michael Myers. Fuck you, pagans.
It looks like we’ve finally started to reach the end of my holiday shit list, and Thanksgiving is up to bat. You already know why I hate this holiday, and its time to dig a little deeper. Let’s see: Pilgrims, Indians, Disease, and a good ole’ game of “Guess Who Has the Immunities?” Its like the end of the trilogy of European Invasion, and European Invasion II: Kill Them For The Gold, except now its E.I.3: Run Away Squanto, Cause We’re Killing Your Tribe. I hate the Pilgrims. They can take their Mayflower Compact and go molest a cat with it. And turkeys. I fucking hate turkeys. They gobble around acting like they’re the shit all the time. Guess what, turkey-bitch, I’m eating your ass with cranberries and a side of cherry cobbler.
Ah, Christmas. Santa’s birthday. I mean Jesus. I don’t want to be sacrilegious here, but why does Jesus get two holidays? Everyone gets one, that’s the rule. Everyone gets their birthday. Game over. Do not pass Go. Do not collect another holiday. I’m cool celebrating JC’s birthday and all, cause everyone celebrates mine, which fucking rules. But come on, Jesus. Don’t be a fag. But I’m all right with that, I guess, cause he is fucking Jesus. This is what pisses me off. People who go around stark raving mad about how CHRISTMAS HAS BECOME COMERCIALIZED. HOLY SHIT RUN FOR THE HILLS BITCHEZ. Or you could just sodomize yourself with a hot glue gun. Here’s a quick question for you: since when has Christmas not been about getting gifts? Dictionary.com defines commercialized as: to apply methods of business to for profit. That sort of sounds like the Three Kings. Seriously, what the fuck do you think that they were out in the desert in the middle of the goddamn night for? To give Jesus presents because they’re nice? They were trying to get their fucking souls saved, or the ultimate profit. Its always been about giving people gifts, you fucking idiots. You know what, let’s kill Santa. We’ll take a 12-gauge shotgun, catch a sleigh to the North pole, shove it down his fat fucking bearded throat, and blow his intestines out his asshole. Then we won’t be seeing mommy kissing Santa Claus, anymore, eh? The two-timing bitch.
That does it for the holidays, and boy do they suck, except my birthday and one more…
I didn’t look up anything about this holiday, because I didn’t want to ruin it for me. This holiday is about beating the shit out of assholes. Beating up anyone fucking rules. On Boxing Day, you can call anyone out, box the living shit out of them, and no one can hold it against you. If the person does, you just point it out and they’re fucking shot. Its awesome. As you can see, these two pirates had differences, and Pirate A kicked Pirate B’s fucking ass on Boxing Day. Man, what a great holiday.
And on that note, I believe I shall depart. If you don’t like boxing, burn in hell roxorboxors@hotmail.com