After looking a little at the class of my website, I suddenly came to a stunning realization. I have not shown you who or what the King of the Internet is. Well, let me put it this way.
You are not worthy to feel his presence. He is like Jesus 2: Bigger, Badder, Holier. Of course, if there was a sequel to Jesus, he certainly would be a lot more vigilante. Such as:
I realize some people may be offended or even go so far as to disagree with me, but let’s face it: Jesus was pissed off after he was crucified. Some people at this point may be saying “Bah.” Well, obviously you’re an egocentric son-of-a-bitch. If you were nailed to a cross by the people you came to help and had done no wrong against, and not ONE of your TWELVE apostles lifted a damn finger to help you. Oh, that’s right, one of your good buddy apostles betrayed you. So, they throw your dead body in a crappy stone tomb, without any decorations or anything, just to leave you there to rot. Trust me, you’d be pissed. And if Jesus wasn’t pissed, why did he rise from the dead and leave. Why didn’t he hang around to show everyone what’s up? Because Jesus was fucking pissed off, tired of taking shit, and decided to leave. That’s why in Jesus 2 he’s back in action. As you can plainly see, he’ll be battling Evil Mustard monsters with chain guns, Bio-Soldiers, Samurai’s with mini-gun arms, and the god of monsters himself, Godzilla.
A few of you are probably wondering what the plot of Jesus II is, and it simply comes down to this: Jesus don’t like how the shit’s going down, so he’s gonna ruin everybody’s. That’s about what it winds down to. Jesus also answers what we’ve been wondering for such a long time: what religion is the right one? Well, darlin’, the answer is simple. “Shut up, because I have a gunblade.” What kind of answer is that, you ask? Well, to the layman, this reads as sacreligious and nonsensical, but let me tell you. To those who can really read between the lines, Jesus is saying he only lets those who kick ass into Heaven. So all you pussys who go to “church” every Sunday are wasting your time. Jesus wants to you to blow shit up, drive fast cars, and get into fights. In fact, there’s a form you have to fill out in order to get into Heaven. Read below.
Now, how to go about answering such questions? Well, the answers should be obvious for any real badass. Since I was ranked 8th by a leading university, I’ll lead the way!
1. There is no real answer to this question…in writing. What you do is pull out YOUR gunblade (every real badass has one, mind you) and cut the guy next to you in half. Then fire your bullet out of your gunblade and blow them away. Then grab the hunk of flesh, dab your fancy quill pen in it, and write “None of the above.” See, it’s a trick question!
2. Anyone and everyone has fired a shotty. Anyone and everyone getting into Heaven, that is. Only farmers have full stock shottys, which I’m told are called shotguns. Only S.W.A.T. teams and lousy Counter-Strike players use auto-shottys. REAL men use sawed-offs. And yes, the real way to kill someone is a belly full of buckshot, because you can laugh at them before they die.
3. The answer is anything degrading-pussy, jackass, fucker, faggo the clown, Faggoty Anne and Andy, female, physicist, donkeys, any of these work.
4. The answer is to use your knife to make your shotty a sawed-off and kill your team because they’re just holding you back. Take the Deagle (real men call them deagles, not desert eagles) and fire it off to give away your position. Then kill everyone in the Universe with your shotgun. But some have seen my error, and clever you are. “What about the gunblade?” The gunblade is only used to kill badasses or the innocent. Either will do. The innocent must suffer, by the way, because if you don’t have a gunblade to fight back, what good are you?
5. By the ears!
6. Now, the moment you’ve been waiting for…the KING OF THE INTERNET!!!
Yes, that is the answer you’ve all been waiting for. Behold, the mighty Gampa! King of the Internet! I’m sure some of you thought the man on the first page of my site was surely. Actually, no. You assumed and are going to be covered in honey and forced to fight in the Planet of the Bees Tournament. That is merely Moochi, the right hand man of Gampa, King of the Internet. He may look young, but in reality he is 4,000 years old! The Internet has existed for 4,000 years, my fellow worshipers (of Gampa.) Every website that is created has already been made and is just waiting for you to uncover its surface! While this may seem farfetched, please remember that Gampa, KING OF THE INTERNET is 2nd to none. God answers to Gampa. The Big Bang was when Gampa sneezed. He let God take credit for it because Gampa is such a nice guy. He is also the producer of Jesus II, wrote the script, and is made of the sun. That’s right. The sun. You are made of flesh, he is made of the sun. Unless you’re some kind of freaky rock man who rises up from the earth to take the souls of the living.
Well, in all reality, this next article really wasn’t very funny. If you have suggestions, comments, or would like to be featured on my site, e-mail williambrasington@gmail.com.
~Willbo Baggins