I am here today to address a very serious issue. It takes jobs away from honest hard-working people, causes pointless arguments, destroys family lives, crushes innocent babies, razes villages to the ground, and gets me really pissed off. Endangered species.
I realize that some people might like to jump up on a hickory stump and start bitching about how important “all of God’s creatures” are, but let me stop you right there: they aren’t all important. Everyday I hear some bullshit about endangered species or about how something just became extinct and how much of a shame it is. You people can bitch all you want about it, but don’t do it publically. Hold a lame-ass little meeting and go masturbate in a closet about how great you are because you care about the Earth. I don’t want to sound like the “bad guy,” but I don’t really give a shit if something becomes extinct. I know some environmentalists say, “We don’t know what purpose all species have on this planet, and we could be destroying some key species that support the world’s ecosystems.” Right. Sure.
Take a look right there. You know what that is? That’s right, it’s the dodo bird. Killed by hungry Spaniards, the dodo was so goddamn stupid that it just sat around while people where eating it until it was extinct. People say this bullshit all of the time about how much of a sad thing this was, but you know what? If there’s something on this planet that’s too worthless to defend itself from predators (or in this case, fat Spaniards) then its worthless and I don’t want the bastard on my fucking planet.
Take the passenger pigeon for instance. The passenger pigeon was completely wiped out by hunters who wanted to kill it because they could. In order to trap passenger pigeons, they first captured a live one, sewed its eyes shut, and nailed it to a branch. Wait a minute:
Fucking awesome. First off, that’s just goddamn nuts its so cool. They sew something’s eyes shut, nail it to a tree, and wait for more pigeons to show up and sit their bum ass down, just so they can shoot them or toss a net around them. That’s just fucking cool. Nothing more badass than taking a jackass bird and making him look like a total choad. In Petoskey, Michigan in 1878, one man, with a mission of getting money, killed 3 million passenger pigeons for a profit of $60,000. Some people may look at this and say, “Why that’s just sick!” No it isn’t, its fucking cool. Think about it, three million birds. That’s a lot of fucking birds. A LOT. That’s so goddamn cool. If that guy was alive, I’d probably let him punch me in the face and run me over with his truck.
BUT WAIT! Did you know that 50-200 species become extinct every single day! NO WAY! That’s about 18,000-73,000 species yearly! That sure sounds like a lot! Until you realize what a bunch of bullshit those statistics are trying to pull the nuts over your eyes. That may not make much sense, but hang on. These numbers are figured from the huge number of new species of insects that are found in the canopy of the rainforests. The number of insects in the rainforest is actually so big that they find many new species in each new area that they explore. First off, these data collections were done using a cyanide gas, which I’m sure you all know fucking kills things. Way to go, environmental Joe. Second off the bat, if there are so many fucking bugs in the rainforests, do you really think-wait; they’re fucking bugs. NO ONE LIKES BUGS. Bugs don’t do anything all day long. They just crawl up your ass and look weird. Fucking bugs.
People also dance around talking about how important whales are. Whales can go fuck themselves. They slaughter millions of innocent krill, but no one pipes up and talks about how the poor krill are suffering! You know why? Because people are bullshit. Aside from sperm whales (who are so awesome their name is sperm) and narwhals (which are fucking badass because they swim around impaling stuff with their spiky ass nose) all whales should be annihilated. Go, Japanese fisherman who hunt whales for their precious oil! Go!
As I was writing this article, I found a site filled with dumbass bullshit bashing on humans for destroying the environment filled with bastard-shat pictures, that I thought I should share with you…
Once again, I’m Willbo Baggins saying, “If I don’t like it, kill it with lasers.” Animal free is the way to be, roxorboxor@hotmail.com
~Willbo Baggins