I don’t have anything particularly negative to say about the latest X-men movie. It was pretty much exactly what you should have expected to see. Actually, in a lot of ways, X-men 2 was the first true comic book movie. It wasn’t trying to be some big, bullshit literary masterpiece in an attempt to appease the critics. Nope, Bryan Singer seems to have some genuine affection for the comic book characters and presents them true to form, unlike the pretensions asshole directors of other comic book films who regard their subject with disdain and do summersaults to throw in ridiculous and inappropriate Shakespearean sonnets just to show off their education. The story line of X-men 2 is not a movie storyline, it is a comic book storyline; that is, there are about a billion characters fighting a billion different little battles that are all individually really cool and in the end they all miraculously come together in a spectacular climax that provides tantalizing clues but doesn’t wrap up a single important issue that provides any of the intrigue into the main characters. We love the main characters because of their mysteries, to solve any of them would be the kiss of death. But a good comic book reminds us of these mysteries every once in a while just to reassure us that it hasn’t forgotten what is really important.
But of course all the critics are too wrapped up in their self-importance to write anything meaningful regarding what a comic book movie is really about. Sure, they give the movie a good review, the same way they pat a child on the head and say, “Nice work,” over a crayon picture that looks absolutely nothing like a child holding a parent’s hand beneath a starry sky. Deep down, they really like the movie, but they can’t explain why, or even try to for fear of losing their credibility, so they don’t even make the effort. This falls into the “it is better to remain silent and be thought an idiot than to speak and remove all doubt” school of thought. It is a silence I would be thankful for, if they weren’t so smug about it.
Cowards!
Roger Ebert even when so far as to say the film had a silly script. He gave the film the same rating as “Tomb Raider” which was just a little better than the rating he gave for “Fight Club.” Gee, I enjoyed this movie, the fat one wrote, though I can’t really explain why. Oh really? Perhaps you admired the tremendous artistic work that Angelina Jolie did with her breasts? Could that be it? Did they grab your attention?
They might as well rename the movie “Angelina Jolie’s Breasts” because that’s sure as hell the only thing that I remember about it.
Admired. I used the word admired because it is often to be found in Ebert’s work. He’s a staunch supporter of the feminist cause you know. He pumps out the politically correct American feminist propaganda as well as any other moderately famous media member. Yes, admire is sure as hell the word I would use. It really is admirable for some chick to digitally enhance her rack and project it onto a wall in twelve foot high splendor. I’m so glad that women have fought their way out of thousands of years of oppression to bring us twelve foot high digitized tits.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for this mammoth mammarian display, but I don’t really admire it.
But back to X-men, is the script really silly? Well what does it do? It takes all the main characters, details all their personality flaws, and then throws a bunch of wild shit at them so they never really get the chance to sit down and sort out their problems. Did you ever hear the phrase, “life is what happens when you’re making other plans?” Sure, Wolverine would like to sit down and solve his issues, but he’s too busy saving the world. Plus, we get to see him save the world and battle his issues at the same time. That makes him cool.
Oh, and speaking of that, Wolverine is unquestionably way cooler than any of the other X-men. This is not even debatable. The guy is cool. I remember the first time I saw X-men on a Spider-man cartoon when I was like six years old. They were all standing around, Storm, Cyclops, Nightcrawler, and I was thinking, Dork, Dork, Dork, and getting more and more irritated that they were stealing my Spider-man time, when Wolverine showed up and I thought to myself, “Ok, I admit it, that guy is pretty cool.”
Wolverine is inherently cool. That, to answer your question Mr. Ebert, is why he is the center of the movie and not Storm, even though she is obviously more powerful as you suggested in your first X-Men review.
Why would he want Storm do you think?
Perhaps because Halle Berry is playing her?
Wants to see some more Halle Berry maybe?
Yeah, Ebert really admires her work...With his dick in his hand! Take his review of “Monster’s Ball” a courageous and admirable film. Yeah, that’s just what I thought. It’s about time that somebody took that anti-racism stance. Whooo...the director was really taking a chance on that one.
Let’s take that line of thought a little further. Here in the “silly” X-men movie, the director made the choice to have a showdown between the mutants and a very George W. Bush--like president in order to make the statement that the guy can’t just go off and kill anybody in the world who doesn‘t have the same belief system as he does. Considering the flack that everybody has been getting from the oil-company-owned media for any comment against the war, this seems a pretty bold choice to make. It was well-veiled and subtle but the fact is that the showdown with the president was a hell of a lot more gutsy than anything in “Monster’s Ball.”
But of course, X-Men 2 was just a silly comic book movie and I shouldn’t be reading so much into it. And yeah, I’ll admit that it would have been better if there had been a two or three minute interlude of Halle Berry banging the hell out of Professor Xavier like she did with Billy Bob Thorton in “Monster’s Ball” (which they should have called “Monster’s Ball’n Halle Berry” by the way, the Monster referring to Thorton in this case). Hell, even if she had banged that blue guy it would have been better. And if she had banged that blue girl....
Maybe that’s in the outtakes, and digitally enhanced, although I don’t know what they would improve upon. Guess I’ll have to wait and see.
Still, all in all, let me say this final thing about X-men 2. It’s good. You’ll leave the theatre happy. The plot fits together and you won’t really understand it completely right away, which is the mark of a good movie. This is not because it is disjointed, but because it is complicated. There’s really no shame in making that admission just because it is a comic book movie. It’s a tight script that holds together. Take what they did with the Pyro character for example. Every scene he’s in is a steady progression. He seems a bit of a harmless hot head (no pun intended) in the first interaction at the mall, but Wolverine‘s the same way so you don‘t think much of it. When Wolverine gets shot Pyro goes a little batty, which is understandable, but he goes maybe too much over the edge and it makes you kind of nervous about him, but still no real concerns. Later when Magneto tells him he’s a god among insects...well it is pretty easy to identify with how a young man would take to being called a god by a distinguished and respected peer. So, Pyro’s final decision (which I’m trying not to give away though I probably have) comes as a surprise, but not an unexpected one in the least. His character was carefully groomed throughout the whole film. It was just good writing. Plain and simple.
I’ve never been a big comic book reader, though I’ve always been aware of them. I’ve bought maybe four comics in my life. But I know enough about comics to know that this movie is the first to really capture the essence of a comic book. The fans will love it. The people who aren’t so stupid as to have their head up their ass in their attempt to look superior will love it too. It certainly deserves more detailed discussion than what it’s been getting so far.
“I also admired...the way [Famke] Janssen brings drama to the exercise of Grey's power instead of just switching it on and off” (Ebert, X2: X-Men United Review). Oh really Mr. Ebert? Did you fail to notice that there were two other Psychics in the movie? Did you fail to notice that they did the exact same things that Jannsen did? Why would you fail to mention them I wonder? Could it be because they were both men? Do you not admire Patrick Stewart or is that a word you save for when you have your dick in your hand?
Anyway, go see X-men 2. But don't expect to find any intelligent discussion about it...anywhere.
The End