When president Leafy W. Vegetation took the podium most people snickered because he looked like a twelve year old kid. But Leafy didn’t notice, he was too arrogant, and too residually stoned, and just plain too dumb.
“Today, I declare war on violence.” He smacked his lips as he talked because he thought it made him sound more like a cowboy.
“I will hunt down violence without rest and I will beat it without mercy. My hand will be as the hand of God wielding an iron pipe, beating the head of violence until the skull breaks, spilling the head of violence onto the concrete. I will rape violence and plunder its wealth.”
Two or three people exchanged confused looks at President Vegetation’s words, but before they could offer any questions, the vast majority let loose a cheer of approval.
“Then I will hunt down hatred.” W. continued. “I will grab hatred by the neck and choke the life out of it. I will throttle hatred with all the power of my scrawny little pathetic body. I will lift hatred into the air and fling it a thousand miles from this land of the free and the home of the brave.”
“Wait a minute.” Somebody finally said. “That doesn’t make any sense...”
“Watch out!” President Vegetation interrupted, “the terrorist alert level just jumped to orange.”
“What?” Said the lonely voice, but it was soon drowned out by the gasps of the vast majority who started waving to their president with supplicant arms.
“Save us, save us from this phantom terror!” They screamed, and the objection of the one voice of reason was lost in the rush.
“Let me tell you how I will save you,” the president continued. “You see these, your civil rights,” he made a motion as if he was holding something in his hand, then he tossed the imaginary object over his shoulder, “gone!”
The crowd cheered.
“I think in this moment of crisis, it would be better if I just held on to your freedoms for a while. We’ll store them some safe place, under lock and key where no terrorists can take them. That place will forever be the bastion of what America truly stands for. Our liberty is too sacred for people to risk by actually using it on a daily basis!”
The people cheered.
“Wait a minute!” Somebody said.
“Shut up you traitor!” The crowd screamed in indignation, “how can you sow the seeds of disharmony in this our moment of greatest need?”
But the voice was undeterred, “Maybe our moment of greatest need is exactly the moment when we should be looking to the values that made our nation strong rather than systematically destroying them.”
“The terror threat just went to sea-foam green!” The president interrupted. The people started running around in circles screaming fearfully.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” The voice of reason cried, “why is everybody freaking out?” But again they didn’t listen.
“Come to me my children.” President Leafy W. Vegetation said again, “come to me and listen to my tales about my war on uncontrolled anger.”
The people sat before him and listened eagerly.
“I will scream in the face of uncontrolled anger. I will attack it with the sharpened nails of my hands. I will let the veins bulge in my face and neck. I will run uncontrolled anger from the boarders of the world!”
The people cheered.
“I will declare a war on evil. I will declare a war on all things non-American which is how I define evil. You will turn all your freedoms and liberties over to me in this moment of crisis and you will look to me as you look to your God. You will trust to me as you trust to your all-father. I will be all powerful. I will eradicate all evil from this world using the force of arms. Any person who hurts an American or conspires to hurt an American will be killed and their family burned. I will not rest until all the evil has been driven from this Earth by the guns and superior weaponry of our great nation.”
The cheer was deafening, but when it died down there was one meek voice speaking out in response.
“The only way to fight evil is with forgiveness.”
President Leafy W. Vegetation turned his spindly little eye on the lone dissenter. He was a good Christian and he knew how to handle such sacrilegious nay-sayers.
“Have that traitor crucified!”
And the funny part is, that even as he stabbed the heckler in the chest with a spear and personally nailed his wrists into the wooden plank, President Leafy W. Vegetation thought he was doing good.
And the people kept cheering.
Never realizing that their jubilation verified that they weren’t worthy of the brave young men who sacrificed their lives to buy freedom for them.
After that great cost.
Handed over to a vegetable.
Without a struggle.
Because it’s the easiest thing to do.
And they’re cowards.
The End