Ten Rules of Travel
In my lifetime I have had the privilege and good fortune of being able to enjoy a lot of travel. If there is a human activity that is better suited to get you out of a rut in your thinking or in your life, I cannot imagine what it may be. Even a trip that takes you no farther than the head offices of your companies main competition may open your eyes to a whole new potential of life (especially when you can discern within five minutes that your competition’s boss isn’t nearly the mule-headed dunderputz that you’re forced to deal with on a daily basis). Yes, travel truly is that unheralded mentor that we all aspire to one day encounter.
But as enlightening as that trip across the street might be, it unquestionably pales in comparison to one of those voyages that truly takes you beyond the boarders of your comfort zone and into a world fraught with mystery and peril. I’m not talking about some silly thousand dollar guided trip to the Louvre, or Alexandria, or any other place where your native “travel host” is constantly showing you his pearly whites as he secretly charges you three times as much as the journey should actually cost. No, I subscribe only to those expeditions in which the traveler has the courage to strike out on their own into a foreign culture and a foreign world. It is only in that joyous solitude that you can ever hope to learn anything about yourself, which is really the whole point of doing anything in my opinion. Of course, trips like this are only really enjoyable if you accept the fact straight from the get go that you have a very good chance of being killed, but once you get over that potential speed-bump, it’s all gravy.
In my many years of traveling, I have compiled a list of more than one useful trick that has either gotten me out of a tough situation, or was something I‘d wished I‘d known beforehand. Traveling is just like anything else, it’s easy when you’re prepared, and torturous when you’re not. With that in mind, I have written this easy checklist of things to remember when traveling. I suggest you memorize it and follow it without exception on every trip you take from this day to your last. I can’t guarantee that these pearls of wisdom will actually save your life, but they will definitely inflate the statistics in your favor. For those of us who live on the edge, you just can’t ask for more than that.
So without further ado, The Ten Rules of Travel:
1. Dress always in a worn leather jacket, plain green army pants, a poly-pro T-shirt, and comfortable shoes that are both durable and not too heavy. There was a reason that Indiana Jones dressed like this, it’s darn practical. A leather jacket is about the warmest jacket you can find for its size, and it will pretty much keep the rain off you as well. You might argue for some ridiculously over-priced summit outfit, but take it from me, that stuff stands out like a target when you’re hiking through the swampy regions of the Amazon basin. There have been many times when I’ve stumbled into some backwater community of forgotten people only to see the remains of some high priced mountaineering jacket adorning the tent of the local mystic. A Fedora hat is a nice touch, but those things are so dang out of style you’ll probably look like a big dork.
2. Don’t pack more than you can comfortably carry for twelve hours without rest. It is also important that you use a small, over-the-shoulder bag and not a backpack. Backpacks are too tempting for the local street urchins to sneak up behind you and try to take things from. The over-the-shoulder bag can be swung around to the front and protected with greater ease. I generally outfit my bag with the following: 2 pairs of underwear, 2 pairs of socks, 1 additional T-shirt, 1 pair of swimming shorts, 1 heavy-weight thermal top (this is for when things get unexpectedly cold), 1 stocking cap (this is for the cold as well, a single stocking cap keeps you warmer than a light-weight sleeping bag, and if you wear it on the airplane you‘ll avoid getting that stale-air traveler‘s cold), 1 toothbrush, 1 bottle Ibuprofen, 1 bottle of water purification tablets, 1 bottle of sunscreen, various plastic bags (to separate wet clothing, etc.), and 1 square Tupperware container (trust me, you’ll need it).
3. Get a small fanny pack and wear it at all times. Inside this is your passport, a credit card, some money, toilet paper, and a digital camera. It is better to keep your electronic equipment down to a minimum as it often proves unreliable once you get to places where there are no outlets. If you do bring a digital camera, make sure it has a display screen. These can come in quite useful if you stumble across a hostile tribe of cannibals or something. Merely take a picture of your attackers and then try to communicate that you have trapped their souls in the plastic box you hold in your hand. Then threaten to destroy the box with a rock. Assuming you are able to communicate at all, this should pacify them. When they seem appropriately cowed, make a show of erasing their pictures from the camera accompanied by some dramatic hand-motions (go and rent “The Lord of the Rings” and pay special attention to Gandalf if you need some help with this). Native people from indigenous tribes are usually quite impressed with this kind of spectacle, and once you have established yourself as the dominate being in the region, you’ll have a great time of being attended to and worshiped like a god. I bet Ponce De Leon would have killed for a digital camera with a display screen, and you can usually get one for under 50$ at Wal-mart these days.
4. Make copies of your passport and hide them about your person. Also, it is a good idea to write your passport number as well as a credit card number and expiration date in black ink on some part of your body. There have been many times when I was robbed, stripped, and left for dead only to come to later on and bribe the local magistrate into some clothes and a ride to the American consulate with the promise of an online credit-card purchase. But don’t forget the expiration date, the first time I tried this trick everything was going smoothly until I realized I didn’t have that all too vital piece of information. After that revelation, it got really complicated.
5. Make brown paper covers for your tour book and your phrase book. There is nothing that puts a target on you faster than the fact that you’re wandering around with an “Explore Iraq” guide book stuck tightly to your nose. The unsavory element is drawn to this like moths to a flame. However, if you’re in for a “The Most Dangerous Game” type of excursion, there is no better bait than the flaunted tour book. In these cases the only thing that might daunt your potential attacker is your size and stature. I recommend adopting an old-man disguise and walking with a limp. Once you have picked up some trailers, lure them into a dark alley and then have fun!
6. Beware of people speaking to you in English with sob stories about how they’ve been robbed. People who have fallen on hard luck in foreign countries, do not helplessly wander the street looking for their countrymen to beg a helping hand from. If you encounter somebody like this, they are just trying to scam you. If possible, kill these people, and discretely dispose of the body.
7. Do not trust contraceptive devices made in third-world countries. They lack the technology.
8. When traveling in third-world countries, always use a contraceptive device! No exceptions!
9. As it is no longer acceptable to carry a knife on a carry-on, make that your first purchase when you arrive. About a three inch locking blade will be enough of a deterrent to dissuade most attackers. Do not buy a Swiss Army Knife as it is easy to get an infection from the tweezers. Also severe damage can be done to the eye from any attempt to look at the sun through the mini-magnifying glass.
10. Don’t check any baggage. Ever.
That’s it, the ten rules of travel. May they guide and protect you as they have me. Always remember, follow these rules, establish your dominance quickly in any situation, and when it comes time to strike, strike to kill.
Cheers, and be sure to post your photos somewhere I can take a look at them.
The End