I was browsing the yahoo news page when I came across the following heading: Government Study Shows Sick People Should Stay Home From Work. Great job Sherlock! I suppose we should start dusting off the fucking Nobel prize. What an amazing insight! Sick people should stay at home! Who would have guessed?

This is the kind of crap they publish in major media outlets. Great studies like this that prove the COMPLETELY OBVIOUS! Next week I’m sure it will be some decade long, multi-million dollar project that proves that toilet water does indeed swirl counter-clockwise in the southern hemisphere.

Finally we can sleep at night knowing with absolute certainty that the next time we get sick, we really should just stay home.

How the hell did they get funding for this? Did you ever think of that? How did they ever assemble a team to dedicate any amount of time to the study of whether sick people should stay at home or not?

“Hey Bruce, what are you doing for the next five years?”

“Well, apart from the Star Trek conventions in November, nothing really, why?”

“I’ve got an idea for a study that will totally revolutionize the world...”

“What is it?”

“We’ll PROVE, that sick people should stay at home from work!”

“Brilliant!, I’m in, and I’m going to cancel my reservations for the Monster Truck rally just to demonstrate my dedication!”

So Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum go to some money-bags government type and pose their idea.

“Hey, we want to do a study to prove that sick people should stay home from work.”

Uncle Money-Bags (whose cream colored pants are dripping with moisture from his extreme case of uncontrollable diarrhea): “Stay....Home???” (his eyes light up despite the pus they are leaking from his bad case of the Bubonic Plague; this is the most amazing idea he’s ever heard!) “That’s brilliant!” (He writes a check for fifty million dollars before finally giving in to his advanced case of Typhoid Fever and dying.)

I mean, seriously, what the fuck? Didn’t anybody along the line stop to think that this was a bad idea? First there was the idiot that came up with the study, then there were the people that participated in the study, then the people who gave them money, and then the guy who decided to put it in yahoo news and God knows however many other publications?

NEWS FLASH! Whoever did that study was a FUCKING RETARD!

You want an idea for a study? I’ve got one. Let’s do a study and see how many women died from back alley abortions during times when abortions were illegal, then we’ll compare the loss of life of back alley abortions to the loss of life in times when abortions are legal. You can get into all kinds of comparisons: sterility rates, trauma, spread of disease, and when you’re done you’ll have a completely reasonable argument either for or against abortion that entirely sidesteps the whole idiotic morality issue that the religious fundamentalists always waste our time with.

Here’s another one, let’s do a statistical projection of loss of life incurred from legalizing drugs. Let’s see if the number of people who would potentially die from drug overdoses issued in a controlled setting is greater than the number of people who die annually not just from poorly refined product, but from street warfare and international conflict. If the loss of life is less in a system where drugs are legal, then the moral choice is to legalize drugs.

Simple.

But I suppose the religious community that thinks it is the master of all things good and moral would have a shit fit if the idea of doing either of these studies was realistically engaged. It doesn’t matter if you might actually come across a way to save lives, the thing they object to is using the scientific method to achieve any results. Yeah, the scientific method...you know, observing what happens and drawing reasonable conclusions.

But this issue doesn’t ever come up in any major media outlet. Instead of touching this “inflammatory” subject, they just sidestep the issue by providing funds for idiotic studies like: Eating Too Much Can Make You Fat.

I hate the pitiful excuse for what passes as rational, educated thinking in America. They could at least have the decency to shut the fuck up and just give their “study” money to needy children somewhere. But that would rob them of their chance for personal glory; translation: seeing their name on Yahoo News.

Evil bastards.

How about this for a study topic: The Relationship Between Flushing Money Down the Toilet on Idiotic Luxury Expenditures and Becoming the Target of Terrorist Attacks from Impoverished Nations.

Hmmmmm...Think there’s a link there?

The End