It has long been one of my largest points of irritation that our society fails to honor the people who are of any actual worth. For some inexplicable reason, people like Justin Timberlake and Brittany Speers, who have absolutely no visible talent of any kind, are placed upon a crystalline pedestal, while infinitely more worthy people (like anybody you might randomly choose) are left to wallow in waste and oblivion.
That in mind, I have graciously taken it upon myself to compile a list of appropriate social order. That is, the list that maps out just who it is who should be most honored, and those that should be mercifully pushed into the background.
Without further ado, I give you, The Death Pestilence Social Hierarchy:
1. Farmers--This one is pretty easy, civilization needs food, farmers make food, therefore farmers are the most important people in a society. Don’t even try to argue with me here, lets just see how tough you are when all the farmers leave your civilization and come to mine because they’re sick of being shit on all the time.
Position holder on American society‘s list: Ben Affleck
Comment: Ben Affleck might provide enough sustenance to last a family of five a week if you butchered him, but I think I’d rather go hungry.
2. Janitors--Another no-brainer. A lack of a good sanitary system is what destroyed Rome. Take away the Janitors and America collapses in less than twenty years. But our society puts these guys way at the bottom, just like Hindu untouchables.
Position holder on American society’s list: George Bush
A cocaine addict and world tyrant who is a clinically diagnosed moron. Good choice America! Well, in all fairness I guess America never really did actually choose him...
3. Ice Cream Vendors--Ok, screw you, so this one is a bit of an emotional pick, but damn it, Ice Cream is the greatest invention of mankind and without Ice Cream vendors we’d never have Ice Cream. (grammatical note, Ice Cream is to always be capitalized)
Position holder on American society’s list: Oprah Winfrey
My list gives you Ice Cream, their list takes it away.
4. Firemen--Yeah, nobody appreciates firemen enough. But just wait until the next time your Grandpa sets your hair on fire! You’ll sure as shit be happy to see a firemen when your eyelids start to melt.
Position holder on American society’s list: Jennifer Lopez
At least she was married to a fireman once. Wasn't She?
5. Doctors--After that fireman extinguishes your sizzling scalp you’ll be able to go to a doctor and get a skin graft. The Janitor will keep the room clean and the farmer will give you some food and at the end of the operation you’ll be able to eat some Ice Cream. My society rocks.
Position holder on American society’s list: P. Diddy Combs
Your head is only on fire because he poured gasoline on you and stuck his cigar in your eye. Then he shot the doctor who was going to treat you, and made a billion dollars off the album he wrote over your tragic story. After that he ate all your Ice Cream.
6. Policemen--They sacrifice their lives and are here to serve and protect. My society would honor the good ones, not the corrupt pieces of shit that exclusively turn up on the American national news and are constantly revered as heroes.
Position holder on American society’s list: Catholic Priests
Better listen to these guys or you’ll go to a place that doesn’t exist called hell and burn there forever. We all know this to be true because these people have constantly scared and brainwashed us with their propaganda ever since we were children. They also raped us. Frankly, I’m surprised they aren’t higher up on the list of what America respects, they certainly fit the profile.
7. Educated people who speak many languages and are familiar with many cultures in the world--We need more people like this rather than dumb Ku Klux Klan hillbillies who say idiotic shit like, “if somebody wants to speak with me, they can just learn English.” Yeah, obviously, your wisdom is such that it would truly be worth it to learn you’re perverted, uneducated form of English just to be able to talk to you.
Position holder on Americann society’s list: Natalie Merchant
Actually this probably isn’t truly where she belongs, but my idiotic neighbor just started playing a Natalie merchant CD at ear-bleeding volume and I can’t think of anything else but shitty Natalie Merchant and her “my boyfriend just broke up with me, he’s such a jerk” constant tone of voice. God does she suck! I really didn’t realize how shitty she was until just now, now that her shitty, horrible lyrics are pounding in my skull like the fists of the demon. That evil red-bellied demon that is always trying to get out and make me do bad things....ARghhhh, don’t listen to the call of Natalie Merchant....must be strong...must keep the demon in the cage....keep him in the cage...keep him in the cage...OOOOOMMMMM....
OOOOOOMMMMM......
relax...pant, pant, happy thoughts....OOOOOMMMMMMM
the music fades.
8. Nerds--I don’t like this word. I’m referring to those nice, intelligent kids in school that got good grades and treated everybody with respect, and were, in turn, completely socially excluded. What a nice group of people they were. Like I’ve said so many times, nobody ever got raped when they went to the Science and Math club prom party. It’s only at the football parties that this happens.
Position holder on American society’s list: Martha Stewart
Yeah, she’s just been found guilty on all counts, but I’m thinking this is just going to turn into some stupid bullshit Christ Martyrdom. She’s going to get killed cleaning a shower by a shank that somebody smuggled in by ramming up their ass, and then she’s going to rise from the dead three days later and give us this bullshit fairy tale about how she redecorated all of hell with matching bathroom fixtures and shower curtain rings. It’s then going to all be written down in a book and made into an ultra-violent movie by Mel Gibson called “The Color-Coordinated Passion of the Stewart.” I won’t go to that movie either.
9. Kurt Russel--In my society, Kurt Russel would have to be Jack Burton from “Big Trouble in Little China” twenty-four hours a day. He’d have his own TV show and his own talk show and there would even be a New Generation of Star Trek in which he was every single character including the bad guys. My society rules!
Position holder on American society’s list: Ted Turner
Arrogant bitch!
10. Ben Affleck--What? What’s going on? The power of Ben Affleck....I don’t understand it. Even in my society? In my society he is powerful!?!?!?! DAMN YOU BEN AFFLECK! What mysterious power do you have? You have no obvious talent, you aren’t particularly great looking.....How have you come here to my domain? What mysterious secret of the universe do you know? WHYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
Actually, Ben Affleck isn’t that bad.
Position holder on American society’s list: Brett Favre
And damn right too! This one is a better choice than my own list. I’m from Wisconsin. Brett Favre is a fucking god! I still remember when he came into a game versus Tampa Bay to replace an ineffective Don Majikowski and completed his first pass to himself for a thirteen yard loss. We all knew right then that this guy was going to be something special. Congratulations Brett!
I’d write more but I have to go. The demon just got out again, and he’s off humping the neighbor’s leg.
The End