1. To start things off, why don’t you tell us a little
bit about Facsimilation and what you are trying to
achieve with it?
Well, aside from that whole publishing quality authors who do quality work thing, we're really quite interested in launching a line of fitness equipment. Our featured piece would be called, of course, the Facsimilator. It would tone all of the muscles you need in order to fully enjoy internet humor. So, it'd pretty much be worthless.
2. What are your greatest and most deeply considered
theories on writing?
Well, I'd like to invoke the spirit of the late, great, Wilhelm J. Skakespeach to answer that one. In his book “Writing Semi-Clever Responses For Internet Interviews,” he said, “When asked ‘what are your greatest and most deeply considered theories on writing?’ just simply answer ‘Cheese doodles, man. It’s all about the cheese doodles.’”
3. Do you believe that rampant drug use and a
self-destructive lifestyle is necessary to the life of
a poet?
No more necessary than a lifestyle of womanizing and anonymous sex in the bathroom of seedy bars is to the life of a magazine editor.
4. What is the most lewd and avaricious thing you’ve
ever done personally?
“Penis. Vagina. Penis. Vagina. Facsimilation.com. Penis. Vagina. Facsimilation.com.” - I’d have to say that I just did it.
5. Do you live in constant daily fear that some animal
rights group might one day accidentally liberate a
group of lab test monkeys that later turn out to have
been infected with some horrible virus that spreads
quickly to humans turning them into homicidal zombie
like killers with super human strength?
Maybe. Why, what have you heard? Should I get my musket?!
6. What’s your favorite book?
Sexual Reassignment Surgery At Home For Dummies.
7. Which is your favorite Chicken McNugget shape?
Without a question, Vladimir Lenin.
8. What is going on in a singularity?
Your guess is as good as mine. But, if it involves nude jump-roping, I’m so there.
9. Are you as offended as I am that there aren’t more
exposed breasts on American television, particularly
during the halftime shows of major sporting events?
I’m offended by Ms. Jackson’s half-hearted attempt to stop illiteracy. Moments before Nipplegate occurred she was flashing the words “Fight Illiteracy” on giant screens that flanked the stage. If she really wanted to do some good, she would’ve tattooed the entire text of War and Peace onto her breast. That would get the kids reading!
10. My grandma always used to keep her glass eye in
the same water as her dentures. For some reason I
found that habit to be horrific. Can you explain to
me why I would feel such a sense of revulsion over
this trifle?
You’re so ungrateful, you know that? Most kids would kill for a grandma with a glass eye. I know I did!
That, ladies and gentlemen, was a fine interview.
The End