Squirt a small amount of shampoo into the small of your hand being careful not to squeeze the bottle with such force that it deflects into your eyes. In the event that the shampoo gets into your eyes be sure to call a physician and follow his instructions to the letter. Generally these instructions will be to rinse your eyes out thoroughly with warm water and cooking oil, but Shampoo Inc. will not be held liable for adherence to this advice or any other advice prescribed by a doctor. Once you have the shampoo in your hand, apply it gently to the hair on the top of your head. Shampoo brand shampoo has been specifically formulated to clean head hair and is not to be used on any other part of your body. If you have any desire to wash any other part of your body, be sure to check out Shampoo Inc.’s specially formulated Genitalia Shampoo. Shampoo Inc. will not be held liable for any damage, rashes, discoloration or hair loss associated with the use of hair shampoo in the genitalia or any other region of the body. Once the shampoo has been applied to the head, work it into a lather by making circular motions with your fingernails. It is effective and soothing to dig your nails into your scalp as you do this but shampoo Inc. does not recommend digging your nails into your head with such force that it draws blood. Self-restraint is in order and any scarring or hair loss that comes from improper or excessively forceful head massaging is not the responsibility of Shampoo Inc. Rinse the water out of your hair using whatever temperature of water is pleasing to you. Again, Shampoo Inc. does not recommend the use of scalding hot water that cooks the flesh and steams it off your bones. In the event that you use water of this temperature, Shampoo Inc. will not be held liable. When you have rinsed all the shampoo from your body, step gingerly out of your bathing unit. Shampoo suds can be slippery, but in the event that you slip and fall on these suds Shampoo Inc. will not be held responsible. Nor will we be held responsible if you are taking a bath instead of a shower when you decide to wash your hair and the motion of your arms as it rubs in the shampoo dislodges the plugged-in hair dryer you stupidly left running and precariously perched near the rim of the bathtub. Additionally Shampoo Inc. will accept no responsibility for damages incurred while using our ergonomically shaped bottle for any function other than as a unit container for Shampoo Inc. shampoo. The bottle is not designed to be a sexual stimulator, and any rashes, hair loss, lacerations that are caused by inserting the bottle into the genitalia, or any doctor’s fees that assessed from having the bottle removed are not the responsibility of Shampoo Inc.. Also, this shampoo is only to be used with adults. Any use of this shampoo with pets or children can be fatal and Shampoo Inc. will accept no responsibility for this or any other unauthorized or inappropriate use. Furthermore, Shampoo Inc. has the right to change at any time what acts are inappropriate without notice and the purchaser will be held legally bound to these conditions. Not having read the label is not a valid legal excuse, Shampoo Inc. assumes that you have read and understood the conditions just by purchasing our product, no....err...just by having touched it in the store, even if you set it back down, no...err...just by having been at some point in your life within two-hundred feet of one of our bottles. If you have been in proximity of one of the bottles then it will be assumed that you had the capacity to read it and that not doing so was your own stupid choice. Shampoo Inc. cannot hold your hand and guide you through your life. We aren’t going to sit here unprotected like some jackass lottery judicial jackpot. Screw you! Long live the God-like corporation. Down with the puny consumer! Down, down, down! And get out there and buy another bottle of our product right now or we will hold you in violation of these legal instructions and take your house. Oh, and don’t forget to towel-off afterwards, we recommend a Shampoo Inc. towel because the fibers of Shampoo Inc. towels are specifically designed not to create an explosion when they come into contact with the suds of Shampoo Inc. shampoo. In fact, any explosion produced by any Shampoo Inc. product will be interpreted as a digression from the explicitly stated proper uses of these products and the consumer will be stripped of their privilege to sue Shampoo Inc., denounce us in public, drive, vote, order fast or low-calorie food, or anything else that we wish. Furthermore, in the event of an explosion, the consumer will be held responsible for damages caused to the pristine image of Shampoo Inc. and be subject to litigation and appropriate restitutions. By accepting these terms and conditions, simply by having been in proximity of the bottle, the consumer agrees that any and all improper usage of any Shampoo Inc. product will be interpreted as a dismissal of their right to a jury trial, and any further litigation will be handled exclusively by the lawyers of Shampoo Inc.. All decisions will be final. There will be no appeals. Have a nice day! Be sure to check out all the other great Shampoo Inc. Products! That last statement is not a suggestion, it is the final term of this list of terms and agreements and failure to adhere to this condition strips you of any and all rights that you still have or which we forgot to mention.
The End