The only time I was abducted by aliens was back in nineteen eighty-seven. I was just walking along in this field at night, naked like I always do, when I saw this bright shining light. The aliens came right up close to me and told me they were from Zargoof, a planet many metric miles away. They kept touching me with their slimy hands and their suction-cup fingers. I told them to knock it off but they just kept going. Apparently on Zargoof they don’t know that on Earth no means no. They loaded me up on their ship and fed me only Ritz Crackers and cheese for the whole ten-year voyage. I don’t know how I survived it. I had diarrhea every day. Maybe that was the whole point, they did all kinds of unspeakable things with the stuff. Maybe I was their diarrhea factory. Maybe they didn’t have any diarrhea on Zargoof. Things changed quickly when I got to the home world. I quickly grasped their social structure and worked my way up to Hanka Char Pew, which means “chief of 50,000 families.” It was a pretty impressive feat having started as a lowly Burrrgh, or “diarrhea slave.” I decided it would be a good idea to lead a revolution and destroy the whole social structure. I had enough clout to do it by then. They called me Grnguh, which translates as “Round smelly ball.” After the revolution, I stole a ship and flew back home. I could see the planet smoking in ruin in my rearview mirrors. On the way back wouldn’t you know it, the only thing to eat was Ritz Crackers and cheese. Ten more years of diarrhea. Many snotty intellectuals have pointed out that If you do the math you’ll see that I couldn’t have arrived any earlier than 2007. Because it was 2002 at the time that I wrote this, most people dismiss my credibility. Frankly, I don’t have the time to explain the time-dilation and difference in reference frames that occurs whenever you have faster than light travel. The truth is that I returned in early 1988, which meant I was in time to see Don Majikowski lead the 1989 Green Bay Packers to a 10-6 regular season record. Talk about an unbelievable story!
The End