I watched about five minutes of “Tomb Raider” last night and I came to the conclusion that Angelina Jolie is fine and dandy to watch on TV, but I pity anybody who actually tries to date her. Sure, she’s a sex pot and all that, but her features are so exaggerated as to actually be dangerous.
Recent studies have shown that when a man sees an attractive woman the result is similar to a heroin addict getting a fix. The brain releases various hormones and stimulants, and the male turns into a drooling mass of putty. Typically, our society has chosen to take this perfectly natural phenomenon and use it to ridicule men as being weak-willed and sex-mad, when the truth is that a person is just as incapable of resisting the effects of hormonal secretions as they are of resisting a hypodermic injection.
And women know damn well the power they have over men too. They dress up and paint themselves to emphasize the effect of their appearance, thus effectively increasing the dosage. This is all done so that women can get the man to pay for things such as: dinner, new shoes, the movie, clothing, a new car, a new house, etc.. Women also instinctively know that once they have sex with a man, their power fades. Therefore, they refuse to have sex under the claim that it “isn’t really important to the relationship, and they want to get to know you as a person.” The transparency of this claim is, of course, utterly shattered when your girlfriend finds out you’ve had sex with somebody else and all of a sudden, sex becomes important enough to break off the whole relationship. The real reason the woman is furious is because she knows that sex allows the man to escape from his chemically induced sex-crazed stupor, and is no longer going to be sufficiently drugged up to keep buying his dick-tease a bunch of needless shit.
All women are inherently possessed of a varying capacity to put men into this woeful state of pliable zombie-arousal, but some women have a greater share than others. Angelina Jolie, for example, has more than anybody else on the face of the earth, and her mere presence could cause a man with low zombie-arousal resistance levels (another trait that all men possess in varying degrees), to fall to the floor and begin to shake in a lethal seizure. I have no doubt this has already happened and the only reason you’ve never heard about it in the papers or whatnot is because of our culture’s complete incapacity to recognize the power women have over men or hold them accountable.
But, mercifully, men with such low resistance levels are not in great number these days (having been slowly weeded out over the centuries) and the ones that remain spend most of their time in careful, dark isolation playing D&D and doing other unglamorous shit like inventing cures for cancer and coming up with new computer languages. Still, the real danger comes with men who have slightly greater zombie-arousal resistance levels. Men who become aroused and become aggressive and seek to mount their tormenter without any regard for location or consequence. These jerk-offs are, unfortunately, in relatively large numbers, an evolutionary certainty due to the frequency of their multiplication.
Just imagine walking down the street with Angelina Jolie. Even if she wasn’t wearing any sexually suggestive clothing or make up, just the sheer size of her lips would be enough to turn many men into slavering sex-crazed morons. If you were her escort, it would then become your unenviable task to defend her from all the frenzied men who would try to get on her. And sure enough, the moment you were engaged with two or three raging cohorts in front of you, five more would sneak in from behind to take care of business while you weren’t looking. The worst part of all of this is that the girl you were defending, be it Angelina Jolie or any other, would not be of any help to you whatsoever because women seem to be genetically incapable of admitting that it is in fact their presence that causes men to swarm to them like rabid wolves, and they are programmed only to act in a manner that augments this process.
So there you’d be fighting like a maniacal lunatic, while she’d be standing behind you making flirty eyes and smiling, completely oblivious to the situation. This would be your entire existence the whole time you were with Angelina Jolie and unless you fooled her into a mystical spell of binding by somehow tricking her into give you a vile of her blood, you’d always have to be worried that, unless you were actually in the act of physical love, she was out banging somebody else.
You’d have no time to ever consider true problems of intellectual stimulation or artistic beauty, your life would turn into a dreary routine of defending the castle.
It’s not worth it, better to just jerk off to her while watching “Tomb Raider.”
The End