As you know, Death Pestilence is committed to the fight against the raging stupidity and selfishness that is destroying our world and infiltrating our television programs. Death Pestilence knows that you don’t want to watch “Friends” you want to watch “The Transformers.” And not the stupid new Transformers with the dumb gorilla, or even the old, new Transformers with Rhodumus Prime. We want the original, Optimus Prime led Transformers and we will settle for nothing else!
But apart from that, Death Pestilence also wants to destroy this crazy American media led propaganda that is falsifying and spin-doctoring every significant event of the world so that it reflects better on the wealthy American oil barons who own everything.
Well, they don’t own the deranged mind of Death Pestilence, or his voice. And Death Pestilence’s voice will be heard, but the sooner the better, and there is only so much mystical energy Death Pestilence can expend in an afternoon.
Therefore if you have any desire to irritate any of the dictatorial assholes that has dedicated his or her existence to destroying your life (your boss, your principal, your president, your senator, your wife, your husband, your teachers, your preacher, the nun that used to beat you up in Catholic school before you got bigger than her) but you don’t want to do anything that might actually impede your comfortable lifestyle (it’s ok, I’ll fight the good fight for you) then you can follow any one of these simple suggestions to help spread the word of Death Pestilence to the world and expose the hypocrisy and evil of the people who hold all the power over you.
Every little bit helps, the only bad thing is to sit there and do nothing. There may not be any consequences now, but there will be a day of reckoning someday, and Death Pestilence doesn’t forget his friends.
But enough of the threats, you know as well as I do that it feels good to irritate people. Especially pompous people who think they are holier than God while simultaneously engaging in the most selfish behavior imaginable. Together, we can put them in their place...a little bit anyway.
1. Bookmark the Death Pestilence home page and visit it often.
2. Tell all your friends about the Death Pestilence home page and encourage them to visit it and, in turn, tell their friends about it.
3. Go to the options menu of your e-mail account and select signature settings (or whatever equivalent your server offers). Cut and paste the following message into your signature and be sure to save the changes:
Visit the Death Pestilence home page. More fun than slowly rotting to death from the inside.
https://www.angelfire.com/droid/deathpestilence/
If you send me an e-mail with this message as your signature, I will reward you. That’s a Death Pestilence promise.
4. Start some annoying chain letters using any of the hilarious and thought-provoking Death Pestilence articles. Be sure to include the URL for the Death Pestilence home page as well as a threat that something horrible will befall these people if they don’t send the message to seven or so people. Also, you could try saying that Bill Gates is going to offer a cash reward of a hundred dollars for every person you forward the message to. People are dumb, they believe that crap.
5. Harvest e-mails from amazon.com, chat rooms, news articles, anywhere that you can find them. Send these people Death Pestilence articles and encouragements to spread the word.
6. Print out Death Pestilence stories. Gather groups of your friends from school and organize Death Pestilence readings at midnight. Put up flyers to this effect all over town. Promise food and drink as well as ritualistic sacrifice and nudity.
7. Write “Death Pestilence Lives” and the URL in spray paint on any convenient vertical or horizontal surface.
8. Eat six cans of pea soup. Go to some public place, the local mall, the high school cafeteria, a local movie theatre or church. Scream, “I have been possessed by a power greater than myself!” at the top of your lungs. Projectile vomit the pea soup into the crowd while spinning yourself in a reckless circle. When you have vomited all of the soup, collapse and do not move, but be sure to pull up your shirt to reveal the “Death Pestilence Lives https://www.angelfire.com/droid/deathpestilence/” that you inscribed on your chest with black magic marker or blue ink.
9. Invent nuclear fusion. When you get media attention, mention that it wouldn’t have been possible without the help of Death Pestilence. Include URL, etc...
10. Send this list to everybody in your address book RIGHT NOW!!! DON’T FORGET! DON’T WAIT TEN MINUTES! DO IT NOW, NOW, NOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!
Friends,
Together we can make a difference.
The End