Redneck Jokes

A Cowboy's Guide to Life

• Never squat with yer spurs on.
  
• There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
  
• Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
  
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
  
• After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
  
• He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
  
• The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
  
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
  
• Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
  
• It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
  
• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
  
• Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
  
• Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
  
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
  
• Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
  
• If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
  
• When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
  
• When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
  
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
  
• Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
  
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
  
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  

  Bubba's Butt Holes

  
  
• Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body.
  So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.
  Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
  Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
  So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
  The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.
  Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
  The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba.”
  The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two butt holes."
  "What? He had two butt holes?” said the mortician.
  "Yup, everyone in town knew it. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two butt holes..."
  

  You know you're trailer trash when...

  
  
• The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
  
• You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
  
• You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
  
• You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
  
• Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
  
• You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
  
• You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
  
• Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"
  
• Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.
  
• You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
  
• The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
  
• Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.
  
• You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
  
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
  

  You Know You're a Redneck if....

  
  
• Your yard has been proposed as a new landfill site.
  
• Your kid's birth announcements include the phrase "rug rat."
  
• Your pocket knife has ever been referred to as "Exhibit A."
  
• Your sister has a "Soldier of Fortune" subscription.
  
• Your wife is sister and your daughter
  
• You've ever stood in line more than 1 hour to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
  
• Your bank checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
  
• You've ever stabbed someone's hand while reaching for the last pork chop.
  
• On Christmas Eve, you left Santa a beer and a Slim Jim.
  

  Deer Hunting

  
  
• Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car.
  Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
  "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
  After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
  A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
  "Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.
  
   

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