Warnings: child abuse, depression, suicidal tendancies
Summary: Devoid of the will to live, Harry decides that it is simply time to end it all. Too bad for him that one of his professors had to come and screw it up.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. I am simply borrowing them; therefore, do not sue me.
Chapter 37: No More Walls
Waking up being held tightly, loved and wanted, was the best feeling that Harry had ever experienced. He felt giddy every time he looked into Severus' eyes. None of Sylrissin's witticisms at his expense could shatter his happiness. Even his own doubting nature seemed to be entirely absent.
Neither he nor Sev brought up any serious issues for most of the day, content to just enjoy each other's company. The little touches that the older man gave him as they went about their daily routine made Harry feel like he was glowing brightly enough to light up the room. Sylrissin confirmed that he actually was.
When the parseltongue potion was finally ready Harry couldn't help but smile at Severus' euphoria. As he carefully ladled the liquid out, having scolded Sev that he was likely to spill it in his excitement, he felt arms slide round his waist.
A voice murmured in his ear "What would I do without you?"
Harry tried to ignore the usual and powerful effect that the deep tones of Severus' voice had on him, and turned his head slightly to give a cheeky grin to his partner.
"Oh I don't know, you would have burned the journal in frustration. You would still be an unbearable git, without anyone around to humanise you, if you hadn't taken me in." he became serious as he stoppered the bottle and placed it on the table. "We would both still be alone. I would have had no one to save me."
The arms holding him tightened slightly, and he was turned until he was looking into smoky eyes. Moist smoky eyes.
"Don't ever say that." said the other reproachfully.
But it was true. What would he have done without Sev there? Severus had done far more for Harry than had been returned.
Severus had stopped him from killing himself in the first place, then managed to give him a reason for living, a future in potions. The thought of Sev waiting for him was the only way he had dealt with the summer, with the endless nights during which his fears had tried to choke him. And now Severus had given him love.
Being loved was a heady feeling, the more so because he had never experienced it before. It was wonderful, amazing, and so.....
Sev kissed him.
All thoughts were suspended.
"Now, if you don't mind," whispered Severus, slightly out of breath, "I should like to test out that potion."
Harry laughed. "I'm beginning to think that you are just using me. You obviously care far more about your work than you do me."
He'd meant it as a joke, but Sev took it literally, catching Harry's face in his elegant hands and resting their foreheads together.
"Do you think that? Never think that. You mean more to me than anything. Anything." the other swore.
"I know. I didn't mean it." Harry said contritely, but he could feel himself glowing again at the reassurance of Sev's love.
He kissed Severus, hard, and just as the man's arms came up to pull him closer he stepped back and assumed a businesslike manner.
"Well, come on then, I thought that you wanted to try the potion?" he scolded wearing a severe face.
This earned him a momentary incredulous look before the lines of Sev's face melted into laughter. The unguarded second where he saw that the other really could not care less about the research at that point made him feel unbearably smug.
"You little minx!" Severus got out, chuckling in a very undignified manner.
Harry moved back into the circle of the other man's arms and snuggled close to his chest, enjoying the warmth that he had come to associate with Sev, the comfort.
Without otherwise moving, he reached out a hand and blindly searched until his fingers located the new potion on the workbench. Giving it to the man holding him, he recited the last instructions once more.
"Take a small sip and keep the liquid in the mouth for thirty seconds, rolling it over the tongue. Swallow slowly, then consume another two thimbles worth of the potion. Wait five minutes to show effects."
Much laughing ensued at the faces Sev pulled at the taste of the potion. As they waited, Harry saw the way that the man was practically bouncing in anticipation. It was detectable in his small shifts and twitches. No one else would have seen it. But Harry knew what he was looking for.
This was the first time he had ever seen Severus be anything less than patient whilst waiting for a result in his work. Usually he was a lot more controlled.
He wondered if Sev always felt this way and only now felt comfortable showing his true self, or if the other had truly never been this excited before.
Either way, seeing the man he loved so happy made him happy too. This was another reason to live, to make Severus happy.
"So did it work?" he asked.
"How do I know, we'll have to test......Oh!"
Harry smiled at the other man's astonishment as he realised that they had been speaking in parseltongue.
"That's amazing. You were right, I didn't even know. There seems to be no difference."
"Try and read the book."
Severus went off into his own little world as he flicked through the pages, muttering to himself. Harry found that he didn't resent being ignored at all. It was how Sev was after all, his ability to focus utterly on one thing to the exclusion of all others was just another facet of his personality that Harry loved.
He moved back out into the living room and ordered some food, sitting down to read his quidditch tactics book. He didn't get very far as Sylrissin slithered down from where she had been resting looped in his hair clasp and obscured his view of the writing.
"Are you happy now, man-snake?" she asked.
He smiled contentedly, "Yes, I am."
"Then why do I still smell your fear?"
Damn. And he'd thought that he'd hidden it so well. All of his inner insecurities and the worries that he'd been suppressing bubbled to the surface.
She glared, he debated on whether she'd been taking notes from Snape. He caved.
"Just that.... I don't know how we're going to deal with this when school starts. No matter what he said to Dumbledore, Sev's going to get a lot of hassle from people. Even though the headmaster won't fire him, if everyone finds out then they could make his life hell. And I don't know if I can deal with keeping any more secrets. I haven't done that well in the past. What if he decides that I'm not worth the trouble, all the problems I cause? What if....."
A hand came to rest on his shoulder. He twisted quickly in his seat and saw Severus gazing down on him angrily. Damn. Of course, the other man understood parseltongue now.
He was hauled up out of his seat and fixed with a ferocious glare, the likes of which he hadn't been subjected to in a long time. While this morning it wouldn't have intimidated him, now that his doubts were plaguing him he found himself shrinking under it.
He convinced his body to stay standing tall, and his eyes not to cry. Severus wouldn't respect that. He had to be strong.
"If you think that I would abandon you just because of what other people say then you are greatly mistaken. I would have thought that would be more something that you would be likely to do. I didn't realise how little faith you had in me. Maybe..." the sharp castigation trailed off as the other seemed to detect Harry's trembling.
During the tirade which Sev had produced Harry had felt swamped with guilt. How could he have thought that way about Severus? He knew that Sev would never hurt him, never desert him. He was so stupid. He didn't deserve this man's love.
When he looked up again, he realised that Severus had been watching him.
Sev sighed. "But no. It is not me you have no faith in. It is yourself." He was gathered into a gentle hug. "Why is that, Harry?"
How could he answer that? It was just the way that he was. "I just don't see what I've done to deserve..."
Severus interrupted, "It's not about deserving, Harry, though you deserve happiness more than anyone else I know. I know I don't think that I deserve you. Don't you know how beautiful you are?" Harry tucked his head under Sev's chin and felt a soft kiss placed on his hair. "I'm going to keep you anyway, though that's mainly because I'm feeling excessively selfish." the other man murmured.
So safe. So loved.
"What do you think, Slyrissin?" queried Severus.
Harry looked up at this. He had forgotten that the two of them would be able to talk together now. This promised to be interesting.
"I think that you are good for each other. In this no one else matters. Do not let their pettiness keep you from happiness."
"There you go, she approves."
"I knew that already, she's been teasing me about you for ages."
Severus had obviously decided that Harry needed to be further convinced that he wasn't going to leave him, for the man kept him on his lap as they ate. Then he started reading from the book in parseltongue, deciding to get as much as possible done while the potion lasted.
The idea was great in theory, but hearing Sev's low and husky voice speaking in parseltongue at such close proximity made it very hard for Harry to concentrate on the subject being talked about.
Tingles of warmth pulsed through him and his mind drifted slightly as he imagined that mouth moving over his skin.
He became aware of his name being called. In that voice.
"Hmmm?" he answered. He thought that was remarkably coherent for the state he was in.
Severus' other hand, the one not holding the book, came to rest on his right hip, tapping a rhythm.
"Are you listening to me at all?"
Yes. Merlin, yes. Every single syllable. Harry couldn't remember any of them, but he remembered the pleasurable sparks that had shot down his spine because of them. And how was he supposed to listen when the man's hand was resting on him. Touching him. Touching.
His trousers were beginning to feel uncomfortably tight. He wriggled to try and solve the problem. It didn't help him, but did merit a gasp from Severus.
He smiled, and wriggled again. If he was to feel uncomfortable, then at least he wouldn't be the only one, he could feel hardness against his backside. This time it was a moan that was wrenched from the other's lips. Those wonderful, wonderful lips.
Harry leaned all the way back and turned his head so that he could rub his cheek against Sev's neck. A smell of herbs and citrus filled his nose.
"Do you know what you've been doing to me with that voice?" he asked, another wriggle for emphasis. "Do you? You've been torturing me. It's really all your fault that I can't focus."
The hand stroking his hip moved up under his shirt and traced intricate patterns over the sensitive skin of his side. His breath hitched as he temporarily forgot how to breathe.
"Is it?" that marvellous voice questioned, dropping an octave. "Well then, I'll have to see what I can do to make it up to you."
The other hand put the book away. Harry only knew this because a second later it came up to caress his other side.
He was surrounded. Encompassed by Severus, by his love. The tormenting hands slid over his stomach, then slowly teased their way up his chest.
Mumbling incoherent pleadings didn't seem to do anything but spur Severus on. As fingers circled his nipples, he finally managed to force his mouth to obey.
"Please." he begged
"Please what?" came the silky reply.
"Please. Please anything. Please everything." he mumbled, before he was reduced to grinding himself against the body behind him in desperation for further touch. He had already been fully aroused before Sev had started, now he was being driven to a state beyond anything he had ever imagined.
The hands moved back to his hips and manipulated him until he had flipped over and was straddling Severus. Seeing the smouldering passion in the other man's eyes made him burn. He leaned forwards to kiss Sev, but was stopped by a finger across his lips. He ran his tongue over it, saw his lover close his eyes in pleasure. Emboldened, he knocked the hand aside and moved back to Severus' mouth.
He was prevented from reaching his goal once again. This time by the look in Sev's eyes. They commanded obedience, though it was apparent that the other man's self control was wearing thin.
Harry pulled back for a moment, trying to catch his breath.
"Everything?" Severus' gaze stayed locked with his.
He nodded slowly, certainly, letting the other know that he was sure.
"Well, in that case..."
The hands moved to his hair, delicately undid the clasp so that the long stands fell to frame his face. The fingers combed through it, tugging him down for a kiss.
And oh, when Sev kissed him it set him on fire. The other man's tongue stroking across his own made his whole body feel as though it was bursting into flames.
The hands somehow managed to sneak up the back of his shirt while he wasn't paying attention to them, and were now running up and down his back. He gave up on trying to keep track of them, he didn't care as long as they continued making him feel so good.
His own hands were wrapped tightly round Severus' neck, entangled in the man's hair, holding that talented mouth close to him so that it couldn't escape.
Finally he drew back slightly, needing to breathe. Needing to look at his lover. The awe in Severus' eyes made him feel special.
"So beautiful." murmured Sev.
They kissed again, and the hands moved down to squeeze his buttocks. He jerked his hips forwards in response and, at the sudden, more deeply intimate contact between their bodies, he moaned heatedly. As did Severus.
"I think that we should move from the couch." suggested the older man.
Harry wasn't going to argue.
He was picked up, wrapping his legs around the other's waist, and carried to the bedroom. Sev complained that he was heavy. He didn't see the need to do anything more mature than sticking his tongue out.
He was lowered to the edge of the bed, and crawled back into the middle of it.
"Now that I have you here, what am I going to do with you?" purred Severus.
Harry could think of several things. His cock was suggesting most of them.
Severus stripped, and Harry feasted his eyes upon the body revealed to him. Lean and hard, with scars showing the many hardships that the other had endured. Harry thought that it was the sexiest thing that he had ever seen. Perhaps others wouldn't have thought so. But Harry hadn't fallen in love with Sev just for his looks, so whether or not his lover's face and body would have met with the aesthetic approval of others, they were still the ones that drove him wild.
In seconds Severus was beside Harry on the bed, kissing him again. Everything melded into a long stream of sensation, and he was so entranced by the amazing feelings consuming him that he barely noticed as the other man removed all of his clothing as well.
He rubbed himself against Sev like a cat, wanting to feel every inch of the other's skin against his own. He kissed his way down the man's throat, then up again to nibble on an earlobe. He loved making Severus moan, decided to do it again.
Before he got a chance he was rolled over onto his back on the bed so that Sev was straddling him, and those hands grasped his own and pulled them above his head to stop them from further exploration.
Lips, those wonderful lips, meandered down his own throat, hovering over the point where his pulse was strongest, then continuing down. And as they soothed over his flushed skin they were talking to him, murmuring things as they had in his fantasies. In that voice.
"So beautiful, Harry. Want to touch you everywhere. Kiss you everywhere. Taste you."
That tongue flicked over a nipple and he arched into the contact, desperately wanting more. But it pulled away and moved on, running down to his navel, brushing back and forth over his stomach.
"You're mine. All mine. You belong to me. I'll keep you forever."
His hands were released as Sev nuzzled at the base of his cock. They moved of their own accord to entwine in his lover's hair, encouraging the action.
Harry thought that he had lost his own voice, but was proved wrong as Severus licked the underside of his shaft then engulfed him in his mouth. He screamed his pleasure.
Oh Merlin, so hot, so wonderful. And those hands. Those hands that were everywhere, doing the most amazing things. He couldn't help bucking his hips up in an attempt to get more contact.
Just as the world was threatening to fade into a glorious vision of sparkles, Sev pulled away.
Harry groaned his disappointment, loudly. He was only aware that the amazing mouth was gone, couldn't think of anything beyond that. There was nothing beyond that.
Until he heard a soft chuckle near his ear, and managed to open his eyes. Severus was leaning over him, supported by an elbow, and as Harry gazed into those onyx eyes he saw the promise of even more pleasure to come. He reached up to try and bring his lover down to him.
"Yes, you are mine aren't you? So eager."
Sev leaned down to press their lips together again, and Harry kissed him back enthusiastically, wanting more. This thought was one that he actually felt able to articulate using his currently extremely limited vocabulary.
"Want more. Need more." he muttered, running his hands over every part of the other man's flesh that he could reach. He liked feeling the muscles tense under his inquisitive fingers.
"More?" was repeated back to him. He nodded desperately.
His legs were nudged apart, and he spread them willingly. Sev settled his body in between them, and began to thrust against him. Harry felt his eyes roll back at the sensations pouring in, at the tenseness low in his body caused by the marvellous friction.
Then he felt a slick finger moving down the cleft of his buttocks, caressing the sensitive opening that it found there, and he moaned again.
He wasn't sure if he had ever stopped moaning. If he ever would.
A pillow was placed beneath his hips, lifting them slightly. Then, as Sev's mouth returned to his, the finger gradually probed into him. At first it felt strange. Then better as it tenderly stroked inside him. Then fantastic as it hit a spot that made him cry out, and he was begging for more again.
"You like this? That's because you're mine. Only I can make you feel this way. I'm going to take you and make you mine forever."
The three fingers that had somehow found their way inside him were removed, and he keened at the sensation of loss.
"Open your eyes Harry."
He dragged his eyes open, when had they fallen closed? Severus' face hovered just above his, and as that wicked mouth returned to torment his own he felt a greater pressure where the fingers had been, a pressure that slowly increased and slid inside.
For a moment it was too much, and it hurt. He let out a small whimper, and felt a hand stroke calmingly over his chest and stomach as that mouth pressed little kisses along his throat again.
"Alright?" came the voice.
He nodded. Writhed slightly as the pressure continued until Sev was fully sheathed inside him. Taken. Possessed. Cherished. Severus whispering words of love in between kisses.
When he shifted to get more comfortable, Sev took it as a sign to continue and began moving in him, little movements to start with then harder thrusts. Harry began to feel the sparks of pleasure frissioning down his spine again. He moved his knees to grip Severus' waist and felt the movement inside him become even deeper. The feelings grew more intense and overwhelming.
His eyes stayed open, and he watched as his lover began to loose control, began to grunt and pant and moan Harry's name. That almost made Harry come by itself.
Then Severus' wonderful, skilful hand moved to his cock, and pleasure that eclipsed the scope of dreams descended on him. Only a few more thrusts and he was exploding, screaming out his lover's name until his voice was hoarse.
Not long after Sev followed, kissing Harry deeply as he shuddered in passion.
They collapsed, and Severus pulled him close, murmuring a cleaning spell.
"That was nice." Harry mustered up the energy to say.
He got a snort as his only reply. Then a few minutes later, "Just wait until I show you everything."
Harry shuddered in delighted anticipation.
No one else mattered but them.