Author: Diagonalist
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: SS/HP
Warnings: child abuse, depression, suicidal tendancies
Summary: Devoid of the will to live, Harry decides that it is simply time to end it all. Too bad for him that one of his professors had to come and screw it up.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. I am simply borrowing them; therefore, do not sue me.
Chapter 29: But the Darkness is waiting
Life was better. There were still rough patches, bad minutes, bad hours, bad days, but he struggled through them. And when the feelings got too overwhelming, he could go and see Severus. The regular tutorials helped. Just being in the older man's presence soothed him. And while he was working he could forget about the things which haunted him.
Hermione didn't comment when she saw him heading off to the potions lab several nights a week. He knew she didn't approve of him seeking comfort in Snape, but she had been so proud of him when she heard that he had been made the professor's apprentice. So she accepted it. And that was all Harry needed. Ron didn't care where Harry went in the evenings, except to make sarcastic comments, and spread rumours. Harry just ignored him, he got his revenge, by his own methods as well as in class when Severus would completely humiliate his former friend. It was more than worth the loss of points.
Draco seemed to be the most understanding of his relationship with Severus, for he had the same kind though to a lesser degree with Dumbledore. The two boys met frequently in the library, as both wished to concentrate on their studies. Harry found it nice to have company without pressure, and the knowledge that the other had some of the same problems too. Neither really talked of the things that troubled them, it was unnecessary. In fact, a great deal of their time was taken up with plotting ways to kill Ron, and inventing punishments for mischief which Harry was sure to mention to Severus when he next saw him.
The first time the professor took points for an imaginary offence which they had thought up, both of them burst out laughing. This drew looks of bewilderment from the Slytherins, horror from the Gryffindors, and hidden amusement from Severus. After that they grew far more creative. And learned to control themselves in class.
Harry's rocketing expertise in potions also helped in his dealings with Ron. At meals, he sat next to Hermione, who sat next to the annoying brat. Harry would slip things to Hermione, who apparently had a well concealed evil streak which Ron had brought out in his dealings with Harry, and she would slip them into Ron's drinks.
The noises that came from the Gryffindor table at meal time grew more and more outrageous. Ron's eyebrows changed colour, he temporarily lost his tongue (Sylrissin approved of that), he got The Chudley Cannons Are Crap tattooed across his forehead for the day, he had an attack of hiccups which lasted right the way through potions, so that Severus had an opportunity to take more points. Seeing Ron suffer did wonders for Harry's wounded soul.
He got a new broom. There wasn't an opportunity for him to go to Diagon Alley so he got a mail order catalogue and he and Draco spent hours browsing through it. Even though he already knew which one he wanted to get they argued their way through the entire booklet, pointing out the pros and cons of each broom. Now that he had lost Ron it was good to still have someone to talk quidditch with. He got the Starburst. When it came at breakfast the whole of Gryffindor table burst out cheering, they were sure to win now.
Ron turned an unnatural orange colour with jealousy and stayed that way for most of the rest of the week. Until Harry gave a potion to Hermione which she slipped to her unsuspecting friend. Then he turned green. There wasn't a single person in the hall, besides some of the professors, who didn't burst out laughing. Ron had to go to the hospital wing.
Harry and Draco spent a long time just admiring the broom. Harry let his friend fly on it, as Draco's own broom had been confiscated along with all of his other familial possessions, including his home. Draco didn't have enough money to buy a new broom. Harry didn't offer. He knew his friend. Draco had been forced off his house team anyway, when news of his betrayal spread. Severus had insisted on his re-admittance, but Draco had said he'd rather not play. It would just make things worse. So he and Harry only played friendly matches with each other. Sometimes they went for long flights around the grounds, and over the forest, with Draco using a school broom.
Harry found that life was worth living. And he had finally found something which he was good at that didn't leave him in his father's shadow. He was good at potions, and Severus had told him that he definitely had a future in it.
He had a future.
*****************
Harry and Draco were walking down to the dungeons one evening, Draco was headed to his common room and Harry had said that he would drop by at some point to see Severus to check when the next private lesson would be.
They were ambushed.
While it was entirely possible that the Slytherins had only been aiming to capture Draco, they were more than pleased with the added bonus. Binding spells were cast on both of them before they could reach their wands. Harry felt so stupid for being caught unprepared.
"What do we have here then? A traitor and a weakling. You will be dealt with." He recognised the speaker, a Slytherin seventh year. Big and vicious. Especially vicious.
They were hustled deeper into the dungeons, Harry cursing his helplessness all the way. One of the others grabbed Sylrissin and, before she had a chance to bite him, threw her into a side classroom. Then they took off running again.
They were shoved into a storage closet, released from the spell, but with the cupboard locked. Harry hit his head hard against the wall due to the force that he was thrown in with.
They were in a cupboard.
It was dark.
Harry let out a whimper and slid to the floor. So dark. He couldn't see anything.
"How can you even say that Hermione? Get your nose out of the book. Look. Now do you understand? If you'd only..."
"Harry! Harry!" called a voice on the edge of his awareness.
He was being shaken roughly.
"Lumos." Suddenly there was light all around him. Too much. And light always came before pain. He huddled up into a ball with his arms wrapped around him. He kept his eyes firmly shut.
"Come on Ron, it's Christmas! Thanks for the sweets, hope I don't get a slug flavoured one like last time though."
"Harry!"
Don't think about what's going on outside, don't think about how angry Vernon will be with you. Stupid boy, were you screaming again?
"Sorry." he whispered.
"Come on Harry, we have to figure out a way to get out of here. Can you hear me?"
Harry opened his eyes. And saw Malfoy. So it's that dream again, he mused. The one where he was told how useless he was by everyone. Not that he need to be told. It was obvious enough.
"Harry." the voice was growing panicked now. Why was that? Maybe his uncle was coming.
"I'm going to have to put the light out to open the door. I don't have enough energy for both."
It went dark again, inside his eyelids. He opened them. It was dark outside too. The blackness swamped him. Soon all he could hear was the amplified sound of his own ragged breathing. He had to keep breathing. But it was hard, like when Dudley sat on his chest. Breathing made his lungs hurt. Maybe he should just stop. Maybe if he didn't breathe, the dizziness would go away.
Then the darkness was once again pierced by harsh shards of light. He screamed, was this some new torture? He saw a black shape outlined in front of the brightness. His uncle had come then, Of course, he had screamed.
"Shouldn't scream, stupid boy, shouldn't scream. Wicked boy."
He winced away from the hands that approached. He was half lifted. Now Vernon would throw him down the stairs. But....Hadn't he just been in the cupboard? The hands took hold and started to drag him. He must be going back to the cupboard then. He started to thrash desperately. He couldn't go back there. He didn't want to go back to the darkness. To the madness.
"No." he screamed. The hands wouldn't let him go though. At last he was released, and tried to scramble away. He was too weak to stand, he tried to crawl.
Then he heard the hammering. Vernon! Vernon was coming! He was in trouble now. Then he heard an angry voice, and another, the same one that had been with him before. Malfoy. Malfoy was here?
He tried to think, but his head was swimming. He curled back into a ball, and tried to focus on the voices.
"I didn't know what else to do with him. Help him!"
"I will." He should know that voice. It meant something. He didn't think that it would hurt him. "Go to the headmaster, tell him what happened. I'll take care of Harry."
Harry, he was Harry. Was Harry, was Harry, was.....
Arms wrapping round him again. Immediately he tried to get away, eyes squeezed tightly shut so that he didn't have to see the piggy eyes of his uncle. Or the red ones of Voldemort. He wasn't sure which were worse.
But the voice.....The voice speaking to him was kind. He did know that voice. The voice that called him Harry. But no one knew Harry, he was alone.
This was a dream. He went limp. He had learned that if he didn't fight his dreams they would go away sooner.
He was carried.
He was set down. In someone's lap. Surrounded by warmth.
Not real, not real. He knew that he would be disappointed when he awoke to the darkness again. And the tender mercies of his uncle.
Not real.
But the warmth stayed. And the voice was talking.
"...heard you got a new broom. You'll do even better now. And did you see Weasley's face when he went green. That was very well done Harry. I liked the extra ingredient you added that dyed his hair permanently that colour. What a shock for him. Come on Harry. Open your eyes. Think about the new potion you were trying. I can imagine a number of ways you could utilise that to make the Weasley boy suffer."
Harry dragged his eyes open.
Snape! Snape was holding him. Snape's arms were round him. Snape's voice....
Severus' voice. Severus' eyes. Full of concern.
He couldn't stop shaking.
"What happened?" he slurred. Everything felt fuzzy.
He was given some water. He was held. He closed his eyes again.
Some while later, "Don't you remember?"
"I thought.... I thought I was back at the Dursley's house. It was dark." he shuddered. "I don't... There was a cupboard? Draco was there.... I...."
"Shhh. It's alright now. The ones who did this to you will be punished. How do you feel now?"
Harry took a while to try and work out what the mixed signals that his body was sending him meant. "My head hurts."
Gentle fingers probed his skull. He yelped and flinched away when they hit a tender spot.
"Sorry." Severus said. "I think that you'll be fine. No need for you to go to the infirmary."
Harry breathed a sigh of relief.
Neither of them moved. For quite some time. Harry felt weariness overtaking him. So tired. Severus gently laid him down on the couch and covered him with a blanket. Harry heard the door to the bedroom opening and closing a little while later. He drifted on the edge of sleep for what could have been hours or minutes.
But he couldn't let himself fall. Couldn't let go. For he was sure that the darkness was waiting for him. That he would hear the screams. His own screams. He was so weak. It had only been a prank. A foolish joke by some Slytherins. They had bested him so easily. And he had reacted like that. Had panicked. He was damaged. How would he ever be of any help to anyone if he was completely useless in dangerous situations? There was no way that he would ever have managed to defeat Voldemort, had he been given the chance. And Draco had seen it, his weakness. And Severus had seen it. They had hurt Sylrissin. He had let them. Just like Hedwig. He couldn't protect anyone.
Severus had dealt with Harry's childish problems yet again. He would get tired of helping him soon. What was the point after all? What hope was there, when he would collapse back on himself at the smallest provocation.
He tried to leave. The door was locked. He was too tired to figure out how to open it. Everything was swimming.
He ended up in the bathroom again. Made himself a blade. Held it to his skin. Scraped it, delicately. He shouldn't be doing this. It was wrong. He knew that it was wrong. But it would be so easy. So easy.
But he didn't want to go back there. Remembered the pain. The despair. He felt the despair now. But Severus had helped him before. Could help him.
He backed away, still clutching the knife. Out the bathroom door. He turned, stumbled towards the bedroom. Severus. Severus could help him. He was beside the bed. Severus stirred. The black eyes opened.
"Help me. Stop me."
The knife dropped from fingers that were suddenly incapable of holding it, were incapable of doing anything. He noticed that the world was tilting alarmingly.
Then Sev's arms were drawing round him and he was pulled down. He sobbed like his heart was broken, though at first he was not even aware that he was crying at all.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so weak. I couldn't even..."
Fingers stroking through his hair. Quiet murmurings of nonsense in his ear which calmed him. He stopped crying, but did not raise his head from where it was buried in Severus' chest.
"So sorry." he mumbled.
"It's alright Harry, go to sleep. I'll take care of you."
At last he felt safe. And slept.
TBC
