- Sordid, Filthy, Germ Ridden, Sleaze Emblazoned Rock - for the Connoisseur
The Classic (Reformed) "Mark Four" Line Up :-
Keith "Beefy" Milligan - Bass, Lead Vocals, Grandad
Impressions
Ross "Reebok" Milligan - Guitar, Boisterous Outbursts,
Walking Fingers
Kenny "Waspers" McNeill - Guitar, Backing Vocals, Chic
Young Impressions
Kyles "Kylos The Jackal" Dignall - Drums, Backing Vocals,
Alcohol Abuse
Doctor D. Mands - Management and Medical Advice
Please sit comfortably listeners, and let K T J take you astride on his storytelling "rocking" horse, and tell the bedtime tale of our heroes … Plum Duff.
Like a mighty sword forged in fire for a twisted King by his army of filthy blacksmiths, Plum Duff was brought into the great music arena in 1991. Twas in the wrong end of Edinburgh Town, by "blood" brothers Keith "Beefy" and Ross "Reebok" Milligan - as the natural progression of their successful Commodore 64 sporting careers. They wanted to purvey tunes that lay somewhere between The Beatles and Iron Maiden. Such lofty leanings could only be described as walking a musical tightrope - and how they wished they'd had safety nets. Kenny "Waspers" McNeill originally joined the band as a drummer, such was his then prowess on the guitar. Previous auditions for the role of tub-thumper had proven fruitless - the best of the rest being Kev, a military style drummer with a chip on his shoulder - and no drum kit. He was thus forced to branch out and play an upside down bin with a couple of twigs. Not really what one would describe as a seminal "rock" sound. Kenny was "promoted" to rhythm guitarist, Kev was off, and the search resumed for a new drummer. Local "handyman" Paul "Togus" Roy duly stepped up to the plate. Alas, he was sh*te, so drumming was put on the backburner for a while.
Beefy wrote Duff's first two classics "What About Me ?" and the infamous "I've Been Away" (later named "I've been a Gay"'), which included the now legendary guitar lick "mistake" by Ross. It may have been a mistake, but such an impressive error could frankly, never be recreated - certainly not in musical terms anyway. Composer Beefy continued arranging feverishly like a randy dog possessed, and song after song was penned with great gusto. At this stage however, the increasingly dominant Beatles influence was starting to make way for a more "discerning" cock-rock style.
The first Edinburgh Advertiser delivery of the new paper-round was the rockin' "One By One (They Fall)", an anti-war plea metaphorically captured as a quiet game of afternoon dominoes in the pub. Later incarnations of this tour de force rocker fluctuated between inclusions of the rife "Paper Roon" [sic] exclamation.
Next (in characteristic, non-order) was "Livin' on Borrowed Time", a discussion of the teen angst caused by a Tuesday night "bag-off" at the Subway not giving out her correct phone number. This sorrow symposium gave the two guitarists their first opportunity to "axe-off" against each other, in the wailing guitar solo exchange - truly an audio delight. A hacksaw cacophony if you will !
The rousing, power-pop-tastic "Night Time Woman" was also unleashed - an anthemic tribute to the bands' pseudo-semi-imaginary scarlet ladies of the night. Somewhere around 1993/4 the "hell for leather" dum-dum-dum-dum dudududududududum pre-chorus drums actually changed to the classic "footy claps" of dum-dum dududum dudududum dum-dum ! Beefy has also been known on particularly rambunctious moments to exchange the "Get up and leave" to "Get on your knees". What a rocksmith ! Later versions of the track featured Beefy, Reebok and Waspers doing a "Shadows walk" during the finale - but this was dropped due to being "too complicated".
"Back of beyond", * phew *. A bacchanalian tragifarce of filthy proportions, telling the tale of an unfortunate villager banished from his medieval home by the village elders - for a crime he didn't commit. When later asked if this tale was a metaphor for the end of a deeply personal relationship, Beefy answered "No, it's about an unfortunate villager banished from his medieval home by the village elders - for a crime he didn't commit".
Next up was the sacrificial offering "Gonna make it", which even withstanding future drummer Kylos The Jackal's short-lived "Starsky and Hutch drum intro" started as, and remains the band's most unashamedly, sleazy track. In all manifestations of this track, Duff have required mandatory safety equipment - the infamous "Sleaze-O-Meter" - to enable listeners to (hopefully) survive the sonic filth attack.
Now, every great band has a massive, signature ballad in their repertoire, and Plum Duff were yet to pen it. In the meantime, there was the melancholic, sublime and borderline easy-listening "A Time To Go". This teasing temptress also contains the best and most outrageous chord change in the band's non-brief history - B flat major to E major (most unusual). They "got away" with this because of three things (1) the tempo change (2) the fact that the guitars "sort of" leave the B flat major hanging and (3) the Bass plays an E major/ D as a precursor to the change. Has a ballad ever seen such depravity ?
"I'm getting nowhere" is a song which observes a relationship with a young lady through the various chairs she chooses to sit on throughout the song's story. Although in later years it would enjoy a complete butterfly-esque revamp into a particularly fine stormer, it's original incarnation will always be remembered fondly, kind of like a boy's first Werther's Original. Right Grandad ?
Like Shakespeare's "Scottish Play", the final entry in the early 90's portfolio, was the song that should never have it's title mentioned in public - else a terrible curse may befall the speaker. Worse still, you might have to listen to the song. This is of course, the all-time Duff classic of all time - "I Said I Was Sorry (I Said I Was ****ing Sorry)". Never in popular culture has a piece of art so accurately captured the basic reality of relationships. Every split second of this track is sheer perfection. A "call to arms" if you will. From the roaring opening riff, to the "filthy" choice of finishing chords, it's a distinct pleasure to the ears. Although the original "Hospital Intro" was dropped (for legal and decency reasons), the song evolved over the years into championship class. It also sports the loosely questionable lyrics "I've already mailed you the divorce demands", which is what gave our manager/spiritual adviser Dr D. Mands his sinful monicker. Rock folklore you say ?
Now that the song list was growing, it was time to find a drummer. They turned their good-rockin' attentions to Chris "Foxtrot" Guthrie, a schoolmate of Kenny. Chris was also known as "Cowbell Chris" for the obvious sinister reason. The early signs of bonding were good, and Duff managed to arrange a couple of ahem, low-key gigs. These first "live outings" were in the Milligan family home - the now legendary "Boxing Day" and "Birthday" gigs.
With assorted family guests, Beefy, Reebok and Waspers delivered some interesting performances. Foxtrot was absent, as both gigs were family affairs (and there were murmurings that his boisterous mullet may have caused offence). Among the gigs' highlights were firstly, Waspers breaking a string during The Smith's "There is a light", resulting in a poor choice of song going even further downhill. Next was Duff's inability to keep up with an impromptu vocal of "C'mon everybody" by family friend (and Eddie Cochrane soundalike) Jimmy Sutherland. The song has three chords. Among the highlights of the lady attendees' input was well-known Whitesnake enthusiast, Mrs. Milligan and her rousing interpretation of "Here I go again". This was pipped at the post however, by extended family member Christine's inspired use of a fireplace brush as a microphone on a feisty "Wild Thing" delivery. Another highlight was the unrelated but possibly coincidental "crowd roar of laughter" when Beefy announced the next track was called "I'm getting nowhere". The show was stolen however by "Murdo" Milligan Snr, who delivered one of his own numbers "Nightshift blues", with ad-lib vocals and gyrations. It brought the house down. Duff drunkenly suggested that he was trying to "steal their sound".
These live outings had thoroughly motivated Plum Duff and things were going swimmingly. Unfortunately Foxtrot's manager (Dad) decided it was time for him to move on. Despite this departure, Duff were most relieved, as his rhythm and timing really were p**h. Foxtrot went on to undermine the percussion for fellow strugglers "The Clumsy Lovers".
At this apex, future stalwart tub-thumper Kylos The Jackal (ex-Exceedingly Good Cakes) entered the filthy frame. Known to the rest of the Duff from such uber-cool schmoozings as the Broughton High School Computing Club and following the Murrayfield Racers, The Jackal jumped on board - with a taste for heaviness and a thirst for sleaze. A regular fixture was in place at the anti-legendary Ice Station Zebra studios in Corstorphine (incidentally demolished to make way for a golf shop very shortly after the Duff stopped playing there - coincidence ?). Many fine sessions took place over those few months and the "Plumbers" added a number of covers to their rousing repertoire including The Buzzcocks' "What do I get ?", The Smiths' "What She Said", The Housemartins' "Happy Hour" and er, Spinal Tap's "Heavy Duty". Around this time the Duff Charity "In our pocket" jingle was composed. Fortunately it has since been forgotten. This was one of the happiest periods in the band's early days, but they then sacked The Jackal for not having a drum kit. Kylos The Jackal branded it "Nitpicking".
Soon after, our heroes were getting restless and decided it was time to get out and "Get us a gig". First objective was to secure a permanent drummer (with a kit). They auditioned a couple of unlikelies - one guy with depression problems (bad choice of band buddy, like these guys are going to cheer you up ?), and a slightly older lady whose audition song was 2 Unlimited's brutal "No Limits". She turned out to play very well - but she was convinced Duff couldn't, so legged it. The heads were down, when Tony McAdam (the seriously shady owner of the recording studio) decided to lend a hand on percussion and get the gig ball a-rollin' ! Duff were now officially going on tour, on the road, back in black etc. Thing was, Tony, actually a proper musician, didn't terribly like Duff's songs. Well, in their current form anyway, and decided it was time to change the style, tone, perception and general music of the portfolio. The "new sound" Duff got to work.
Eyebrows were raised and bacon sandwiches dropped, when the debut gig at the Subway (Cowgate) in 1994 was announced, supporting local Indie outfit Rope. A (in relative terms) huge crowd gathered to see Plum Duff. Alas, Tony had secretly changed the band name to "Spoo" (an African word for something too filthy to mention on the internet). The opening slot honour fell to local electro-ists "Unreal Gibbon" (affectionately nicknamed the "The Keyboard Fatties" by Gus), who performed a highly rhythmic set. Boom ! Spoo came on and set the place on fire ! The band wore "ironic" suits, which was noted enthusiastically by a music writer from a local paper. He claimed that he would definitely get a review of the band printed, on account of the "Suit statement". The article was never traced.
Spoo's second gig saw them continue ripping though a non-stop, ragingly paced set, which quirkily included covers of the "Batman" and "Puff the Magic Dragon" theme tunes. Beefy was wearing a provocative smoking jacket with the rest of the band performing semi-nude - the band were clearly taking things to another level. The legendary gig even witnessed stage diving (The Jackal and Togus), impressive given that the stage was only six inches from the floor and there was no-one standing closer than fifteen feet from the stage. What a night - the crowd went crrrazy ! What "Plumage".
The new glow was soon extinguished though, when Tony decided Spoo should play their third gig in bandanas. His further instructions for Spoo to push each other around on stage simply got the paying punters furious and Spoo were booed during the entire performance. This lead balloon forced the deflated Spoo to hang up their sleazy guitars.
A few months later, Tony called Beefy and claimed he wanted to revive the band. Spoo reluctantly attended a rehearsal only to be exposed to a web of lies, deceit and serious BS. The truth became apparent that Tony merely wanted new session musicians for his band, "The Jungle". Ross immediately walked and started a solo career, with grandiose dreams of the Roseburn Philharmonic. At the other extreme, Kenny and Beefy took the gamble of joining forces with Tony, drummer "Fat" Dave String, keyboard alchemist "Dudley" and "Monoliths" producer er, "Keith". Initially things went reasonably well and a gig at the Subway proved to be a success. Things turned sour again however, when, after being invited to play at a rock concert in Haddington, some of the band got p*ssed and completely lost the plot on stage. To top it all, Beefy broke a bass string and Dudley got a shag.
The band split up shortly after, following several fallouts between the guys. Worst of all being a fight between Tony and Dudley which involved a screwdriver and a knee.
Now, apart from under the influence musings of the "Duff glory
days", nothing happened for seven years. You could say
that "The world went quiet". You wouldn't strictly be
right, but you'd be welcome to say it.
After a stint "interfering with chimps", Beefy went to work in IT. Waspers became an accountant, or as some would say, "w***er" in a suit. Kylos The Jackal ran bars and became an alcoholic. And Ross took the traditional rock step after a band breakup, of going to work in a zoo.
Thing is though, as any of the great rock dinosaurs will tell you, when you've had a taste of some good rockin' - you gotta come back for more. No true rocker ever hangs up his axe for good, see. It was now 2001, and after months (84 to be precise) of speculative discussion, Plum Duff had a beautiful reunion meeting in The Car Wash (truly Edinburgh's equivalent of The Electric Banana) bar. Fuelled by champagne and filthy memories, Beefy, Reebok, Waspers and The Jackal agreed on a "comeback" session at the original Banana Row rooms in Leith. Duff into the new millennium ! The rugs on the walls were given a good beating - by the sheer dirt of our heroes' music.
Since then Duff have had regular get togethers and set up camp on Monday nights in Room One at Curly's place. Not only have they worked out how to play their instruments, but Duff have finely forged all the old classics into fiery excellence - including complete revamps of "I'm getting nowhere" and "Back of beyond", both of which sound glorious. Duff have also instigated the appointment of mascot / manager / spiritual adviser - Doctor D. Mands (see left), who passes on judicial wisdom through his boney bonce. Also quite unbelievably, Duff have put together another three songs - an average of one a year, but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day.
Of these new songs there is firstly "Take your time". An anthemic epic that Duff see as their own "Beatles on a building's roof in the swinging 60's, playing 'Get Back' in fur coats type song". It builds, teases, sways, peaks, starts and finishes. Also in the new fray is the haunting "Sometime in June", a overly easy-going, downright relaxed track that makes fine use of Duff's "lovely" vocal harmony talents. It has been said that this track puts 31 days in June. And yes, it was Duff who said that. It could be argued that there is a sense of maturity about their new writings, but a complete end to such an argument is provided by Duff's other new track "(You're) Out The Band". A ditty composed to honour the removal of "Fergay" a keyboard player who's time in the band was so brief and inappropriate that he didn't even warrant inclusion in the story so far. Although Beefy is keen for Duff to never play this potential b-side again, the democracy shall rule. With lyrics like "We don't care if your Mum's our dentist, you ain't gonna fill your way into this band", how can such a classic be ignored ? The chorus is also recognized as the most impressive time change in the Plumbers' putrid portfolio - no listener could ever expect such musically rumbustuous behaviour. There have also been murmurings of resurrecting an old "shocker", namely "Overhang". A track that blatantly pokes fun at a particular pal's rather large belly - with hilarious results ! E.g. "It flops over his belt, he can't even see his welt. He's got a ****ing, a very large ****ing, he's got a ****ing overhang !". Inspired, yes ?
As we speak, Plum Duff have at last started to record. The technology is Beefy's rickety but rockin' 80's 4-track recorder. The early results have been fantastic and Duff aim to be posting the MP3s on the website as soon as possible. Duff are taking it slightly easier in the near future though, with Beefy and Ross' partners both expecting young Duffers and Kenny studying for accountancy exams. It is important to remember that although Plum Duff play the music of untalented teenagers - they are in fact grown-ups.
And what about the website folks ? Contrary to suggestions that the site warrants the worldwide removal of the Internet, Plum Duff are truly going from strength to strength. From frying pan to fire !
Watch this space folks and hold on to your lunch, the four horsemen of the a-duff-alypse have a whole lotta rampant rockin' - that they're ready to give. Hear them roar.
Kylos The Jackal, April 2003.
