Being Cool

Being Cool
By Hugh Jass

In my mind, coolness isn't just a style. It's a way of life. So when people tell me that I don't have a life, I turn around, look them in the eye and say, "I'm cool." That's when they give me a strange look and walk slowly in the opposite direction. But enough about me, let's talk you're ugly face. You need to be cool in today's world of beautiful and hip people, like Linda Tripp, Bob Saget, and Chewbacca the Wookie. So here's your guide to achieving coolness at its best. And if we can't get that far, than we'll just get you a few porno magazines and a bottle of hand lotion, because that's the best you'll ever be able to achieve.

1. Determining Your Current Level of Coolness
Situation 1: You accidentally swipe the buttocks of another man.

Reaction:	Result:
You quickly shout that it was an accident and apologize, in a manly tone.	What the hell is that? Accept what you've done and take pride in it. Minus 20 Cool Points
You write a 10-page essay explaining that it was a mistake.	No, no, no, no. But you saved some points for wasting time on a meaningless paper. Minus 10 Cool Points
You run away screaming.	Meh. 0 Cool Points
You turn red, pee your pants, and cry like a baby.	Very creative, and you put some good emotion into it. Plus 10 Cool Points
You lick your lips, wink, and go in for a second serving.	Score! Plus 20 Cool Points

Situation 2: A 248 pound defensive end from the football team pushes you in the halls.

Reaction:	Result:
You turn around and compliment him on hospitalizing the starting quarterback from Merritt Island.	Didn't Mrs. Donaldson teach you that violence is bad? Minus 20 Cool Points
You smile cheerfully and trot away.	Big mistake by not confronting him, but the fruity trotting helps you out. Minus 10 Cool Points
You pay him ten bucks.	I repeat. Meh. 0 Cool Points
You threaten to report him to an administrator if he hurts you again.	When in doubt, to a teacher you should pout. Plus 10 Cool Points
You whip out your graphing calculator and after some quick calculations, determine that his IQ is inversely relative to the amount of hairs on his chest.	He will most certainly be impressed by your use of geometric ratios and advanced calculus. Plus 20 Cool Points

Situation 3:Whom would you most like to be stranded on a desert island with?

Your Choice:	Result:
A clone combining the looks of Pamela Anderson, the football knowledge of Pat Summerall, and the humor of Chris Farley.	Look. You may as well forget the rest of this paper, because coolness is beyond your reach. Minus 20 Cool Points
A clone combing the football knowledge of Pamela Anderson, the humor of Pat Summerall, and the looks of Chris Farley.	Look. You may as well forget the rest of this paper, because you have no room for improvement. Plus 20 Cool Points

If you scored below 0, than you qualify to take part in the Hugh Jass Coolness Improvement Program. If you scored higher, than you are either David Coolidge or Tony Dieppa, and you have no use for this paper, except maybe if you wanted to turn it into a paper model of the 453X Stealth Fighter.

2. Talk the Talk
Being cool requires the ability to be suave and smooth when you talk. Remember to always use a high-pitched nasal voice when you talk, and use advanced vocabulary that nobody else will understand. Also, be sure that the subject of your conversation is always about one of these ten topics:

Star Trek, Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica, etc.
Calculus
Why internet porn sites are so annoying and should be eliminated
Eating glue
Why gay internet porn sites are so cool and should never be eliminated
Why "Whoomp! There It Is!" is the best song ever
Pokemon strategy
How to boost your GPA above a 7.0
Which cafeteria worker is the hottest
Who the top players are in the upcoming National Chess Championships

Don't stray from these topics and you'll be in good shape. To get a conversation started, use this hilarious joke:

Darth Vader, Darth Maul, and R2D2 are in a boat. The boat is sinking, so they need to drop some weight. Darth Vader says, "I'll drop my helmet because I have a replacement." So he drops his helmet. Darth Maul says, "I'll drop my light saber, because I have a replacement." So he drops his light saber. R2D2 then drops his central processor, and says, "I'll drop this because I have a replacement. Then Darth Vader says, "Wait a minute! R2D2 can't talk!" And R2D2 responds, "Actually my central processor was overloaded with megabytes, which prevented me from being able to converse in languages other than Droidian."

3. Looking Sexy
I'm lazy, so I'm just going to show you some examples of sexy and non-sexy people. I don't feel like writing anymore, so if you actually paid for this program, you're screwed. This is it.
(Pictures not available... Go talk to Brian for em.)

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