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The Superheroes Pt. 1

10. Aquaman

Why not start with the most ineffectual superhero of all. Aquaman. You know you’re in trouble when you’re named after a pastel color. “Here he is, defender of the galaxy, PeriwinkleMan!” Now, Aquaman seems like a good idea at first. You have heroes who can control fire, so why not water? Simple. Water is fire’s gay cousin. Water can never strike fear in my heart, want to know why? Because I kick it’s ass everyday. I drink it, digest it, and then leak it out in a yellow to translucent tint. I whup it and make it beg for mercy as I piss away at a urinal cake that soon becomes the former water’s smelly casket. And Aquaman doesn’t even possess the powers of water. His powers consist of talking to fish, swimming fast, breathing underwater, and having the first name Arthur. He’s basically one of those Shamu trainers at Sea World. Only this Shamu trainer wears scaly hotpants. And to add insult to injury, Aquaman has a hook for one hand…no wait, that’s adding injury to insult. So not only is he teased in the superhero community for his lame ass powers, he also can’t tie his own shoes.

9. Luke Cage

Luke Cage is a little known superhero, but he can be easily explained. Luke Cage is the original Mr. T. A big huge black guy who wears a headband, lots of jewelry, and warns children of the dangers that accompany crystal meth. Luke Cage, who was later known as Power Man, should be commended however for being the first comic to feature a black superhero as the title character. Actually the Roots Miniseries had a comic book but I don’t think Kunta Kinte has reached superhero status yet. Let’s wait for Johnny Cochran to get on that one. Luke Cage was notoriously known for uttering his catchphrase, “Sweet Christmas,” which can be modernized to “Bitch, make me a sammich!” They are planning on bringing Luke Cage back and updating it as a movie, which will feature Samuel L. Jackson, Denzel Washington, or Lawrence Fishburne. Actually they haven’t announced any cast speculations but those are the only black men who ever get offered any movies. Damn white people having the power.

8. Iron Man

Iron Man is a bajillionaire who got tired of fucking supermodels and drinking martinis all day, so he made himself a spiffy suit and fights crime with it. Now I have no doubt that rich people get bored with the things around them, just look at Hugh Grant getting a tongue-bathe for the Willy Wonka by a prostitute when he’s got Elizabeth Hurley at home. But at some point, when you’re getting your ass kicked by a 3 ton supervillian, you know Iron Man is thinking to himself, “Shit man…here I am getting my butt handed to me when I could be playing golf. I think I’ll go home and watch the Frasier I TIVOed.” But the cool thing about Iron Man is he’s an alcoholic. I like this because it makes me believe that one day my uncle will be a superhero. Another great thing is that Iron Man’s villains are all oriental, the biggest being Mandarin and Fing Fang Foom. What a bunch of lame names. One is an orange; the other is a retard reading Jack and the Beanstalk. You would think with all that fancy technology Tony Stark could make it so he wouldn’t have to be in the armor…but Tony Stark is a hands on billionaire. He likes to sign his paperwork, fight his villains, and personally hand 70-cent checks to Malaysian employees.

7. The Hulk

I’m sure you’re all familiar with the Hulk. The big green guy who comes out when Bruce Banner is angry and has been subjected to more lame Jolly Green Giant jokes than R. Kelly has had subpoenas. The funny thing about Hulk is that he was gray in the first issues, but the gray started fucking up the printer so Stan Lee was like, “Ok, make him green.” And he did this without explaining it to the readers. If only you could do that in real life. I think if I could change any color on anything I’d change all of us to be the same color, so race would no longer exist. Or I’d make a blue duck. Cuz I’ve always wanted to see one. I’d call him Sir Quacksalot and we’d hustle bookies for a living. Oh yeah…Hulk. I also enjoy the fact that as the Hulk becomes angrier; he gets dumber, stronger, and hornier. The same results will also occur when a man is trying to remove a woman’s bra. So here’s to you Hulk, for the sexual predator in us all.

6. Ghost Rider

A lot of people aren’t familiar with Ghost Rider. Well basically he’s got this motorcycle that he found in a graveyard that transforms him into a chain-laded, skull-flaming superhero. The last time I took something out of a graveyard was the day I met my girlfriend. Well anyway Ghost Rider is not to be confused with Ghost Writer, the gay ghost apostrophe that clued those kids on PBS into crimes like, “Who spray-painted Principal Johnson is a doo-doo head on the lockers?” Hey, at least he wasn’t a fucking ampersand. The thing I’ve always wondered about Ghost Rider is how his face turns into a flaming skull and then when he goes back he’s reverted to his Zack Morris good looks. There are layers of tissue and muscle and acne that need to be build back up again, but as soon as he pops off that hog he’s Zack Attack once again. Maybe they’re trying to tell us motorcycles are like vibrators and if you ride one your face will melt like an ice cube in Bill Cosby’s armpit. Either that or my girlfriend is just really, really, quiet.

5. Wonder Woman

Let’s put the woman in the middle, right where I like her. First of all, Wonder Woman is the hottest thing in comics. And it’s not about how she looks; it’s about the blatant chauvinistic attitude in which she was created. Let’s examine Wonder Woman for a while, and not just her breasts. Now Wonder Woman has twin shiny gold bracelets on her arms that she uses to deflect bullets and check her makeup. But the thing is, when these bracelets touch together…like when being tied together, her powers are useless. She becomes a weak woman. Now…tying a woman’s hands together to render her helpless…that’s not sexual at all. And on top of that, she carries a weapon…a lasso. Only cowboys and NASCAR drivers carry lassos, and she’s not a cowboy, she’s a dominatrix draped in American colors and shiny bracelets. That’s why Wonder Woman is hot. She’ll kick your ass, tie you up, and then penetrate your ass. I think the safe word is “sexist”. Ok, now it’s time to examine Wonder Woman’s breasts. Wow…those are some Wondertwins.

4. Green Lantern

The Green Lantern is another one of those superhero names that makes you wonder if you should be intimidated. A colored, outdated, household appliance doesn’t necessarily strike fear in my heart. “OH NO, it’s the Red Outhouse! RUN!” Well the Green Lantern gets his powers from this super cool ring that he got. But there are a lot of lame catches with this ring. First, you have to recharge it. I can imagine Kyle Rayner, the Green Lantern, plugging in his cell phone at night with his ring with cataclysmic powers. Do you get a car adapter for a ring of apocalyptic doom? Another drawback is that the Green Lantern is weak to the color yellow. Now I’m not sure what kind of sense this makes, but this means that when comparing foes, a banana peel has a better shot of taking him out than a fleet of Battleships. Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan must give him nightmares. And finally, the Green Lantern cannot kill anyone or anything with the ring. Not even a mosquito. And if that mosquito is carrying yellow fever, well…then he’s fucked. “LOOK OUT, it’s the Off-White Butter Churn!”

3. Flash

Now the Flash is really fast. He’s not a genital exposer. But technically because he’s so fast, the Flash could flash you and you would probably never know. The Flash got his powers when working in a lab that got struck my lightning, hitting him and the chemicals next to him. This gave him superpowers and all Ben Franklin got was an idea. What a fucking gyp. I find it amusing that the Flash’s real name is Wally West, officially making him either the brother of Wicca Wicca Wild Wild Jim West or the gayest “I wear spandex but I’m not gay,” superhero. The downside to being the Flash is that for all the energy he expunges, he has to eat it all back. Which means he eats like a death row inmate after every battle, putting a serious dent in Wally’s wallet…actually he probably has a change-purse. Another drawback to being the Flash is bringing a whole new meaning to the term “One-Minute Man”. While having sex with the Flash, you probably feel like a shaken baby. The Flash also has wings on his head, which aide in protection and absorption for his panty liner.

2. Batman

You know Batman. Bats. Bruce motherfucking Wayne. The Batcave. The Batmobile. The Batwing. The Batsignal. The Batcycle. The Battered mental psyche of a fucking lunatic. Batman is crazy, and that’s what’s so cool about him. His parents got murdered in front of him after he watched a Zorro movie. That criminal did them a service; I want to die after seeing anything with Antonio Banderas. It’s really creepy that one traumatic memory can cause a man to kick ass everyday on the streets of Gotham. You don’t see that anymore. I doubt 15 years from now Elizabeth Smart will turn into Batgirl and protect the streets of Utah from Caffeine Man. And while Batman is a very cool character, even cooler are his villains. The Penguin has been reinforcing distrust of midgets and penguins for years. The Riddler has shown us that punctuation marks CAN be evil (I’m watching you ampersand). And Catwoman has taught us that bestiality is ok. No wait…that was Cheetarah from Thundercats. Whatever, it was a cat with rack. Batman teaches us that no matter how hard we try, we can never run from our past. Unless we have a Delorean.

1. Spiderman

Simply put, Spiderman is the coolest superhero to ever be created. There is no debate. Spiderman is the pinnacle to which all other superheroes strive to achieve. Peter Parker gained his powers after being bitten by a radioactive spider. Good thing it wasn’t a radioactive fly. The “Flyman” would fly around like a drunken frat boy, landing on fat people and vomiting on them. The interesting thing about Spiderman is that he’s a teenager, and the theme of Spiderman is “With Great Power comes Great Responsibility”. When I was a teenager the theme of my life was “With a Long Shower Cums Great Fertility.” Peter Parker is just a kid who’s trying to get the girl, get the grade, and get laid. And that’s what I admire about Peter. He’s the everyman. So what if he has spider-sense, super agility, and shoots webs? He knows what it’s like to run out of soda while playing a videogame. And for that, he is my brethren.

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