(See an ad-man at a desk, congratulating himself on a job well done.) Ad-man:Well, Rupert, youve really done it. Another great sale to those dips at TV Tokyo. Man, I put the wool over their eyes- exclusive merchandising rights to Fushigi Yuugi! Secretary:Boss, dont forget your end of the deal... Ad-man:I know, I know, but how hard can it be? ::waves hand:: Secretary:But they have such a reputation- Ad-man:So? ::knock on the door. That must be them. Come in! (the door opens, and the Suzaku shichiseishi come in . The ad-man walks right up to Tasuki and shakes his hand.) Ad-man:Tasuki! Sweetheart! Bubela! Hows the tricks, babe? Tasuki: (looking down confusedly at Chiriko)Ne, Chiriko, what the %$#@ is he saying? Chiriko:I think he said "Hi, how are you." But Im not sure. (Nuriko walks in, on Hotohoris arm.) Nuriko:Isnt it exiting, Hotohori-sama? Were going to be TV STARS! ::eyes gleam:: Hotohori: Well, it is understandable that the wanting to see my face would be so much that they would bring me all the way to America...what a crowded little country. (Chichiri and Mitsukake walk in. Chichiri looks annoyed, Mitsukake looks, well, impartial.) Chichiri: I cant belive it no da! Yanked all the way out of our world for TV spots! Mitsukake:Yup. Chichiri:Well, Im not going to cooperate that easily no da. (gives a feindish, un-Chichiri-like cackle) Mitsukake:Yup. (Tamahome, our final arrival, barges in wearing Ray- bans.) Tamahome: So, how much are we getting paid for this? Ad-man:All roght, all right, settle down. You'll all be doing...hmm, youre all pretty good looking, so how about clothing? (points to a door marked "Soundsatge 1-f") Go on in, the directors will arrange what you do... (they all go in. Fade to an Old Navy commercial. The happy singing dancers come out, dancing on a giant rainbow. All are wearing white shirts and ripped jeans. A smiling sun shines in the background.) Old Navy Dancers: Old navy...Old navy ripped jeans! Old navy...our jeans are so keen! (one of the dancers looks around, confused.) Dancer: Tasuki? Tasuki? (Tasuki is shoved out on stage by an angry stage hand. Hes wearing his jeans, but refuses to wear the t-shirt. A few female satge hands scream and faint, as do a few of the Old Navy dancers...) Dancer.:Cmon, Tasuki, join the fun! You can dance and sing like us! Tasuki:%^$# THAT! Id rather shove my Tessen up my- (The dancer boy grabs his arm.) Dancer:Cmon Tasuki, its easy! Ill show you the moves! Do you know any dance moves? Tasuki:You wanna see my moves?!? Ill show you my %$@ #in MOVES! Rekka- (pan away to see a blank white background. See Mitsukake, Chiriko and Tamahome sanding in a blank background, wearing some bright blue jeans. Chiriko is playing a festive tune on his flute.) Tamahome:(acting cool) This is beyond- (Tasuki dashes on stage, waving his tessen and chasing a flaming Magic the dog.) Tasuki:Hold still, you little %$#@! Teach you to chew on my tessen! (turns and looks at Tamahome) Ne, whats this? (Chiriko ceases his flute playing and looks up.) Chiriko:Its an ad for Gap Relaxed fit Jeans. Tasuki:Well, I can understand you, and Tamahome, but Mitsukake? Whats he doin wearing relaxed fit jeans? He never %$#@in RELAXES! Mitsukake: Yup. (Tamahome pokes him in the forehead. A crecking noise is heard as he falls like a felled tree.) Tasuki:Hey, he fell into the Gap! BWAHAHAHAAA! (Go over to the next soundstage, where a photoshooter is taking shots of Nuriko in a series of cute little sundresses.) Photographer: Thats it baby,work it! Yeah, baby! Oh, gimme some lip, yeah! Sassy! Think sassy! Think- (Hotohori wanders on, carrying a pile of folded clothing.) Hothori:Nuriko, theese are our outfits. What are you doing in womens clothing? Nurkio:Its hard to break old habits...besides, theyre so CUTE! Photographer:You mean...she...is a HE?!? Nuriko:Yup! (giggles) Photographer:Eww...(:looks slightly ill) Im glad we didnt get to lingerie... (Go to the last soundstage. Chichiri has SDed, and is wearing Oshkosh B'gosh overalls. The soundstage girls are all cooing.) SS Girl:Ka-waiii! Ad-man: Chichiri! What the hell are you DOING? (Chichri looks up, confused.) Chichiri:They said, modle the clothes no da. Ad-man:Chichiri, get out of that! Chichiri:Okay no da. (He begins to grow, the clothes ripping off-) (Editor K-chan would like to interject here saying that, perhaps, maybe, we should move on.) (But, but...) (H-CHAN!) (Oh, alright...damn.) Secretary:Umm...lets try the soft drinks... Ad-man:Alright. (puts his head in his hands, whimpering) They...they just dont... Secretary:I know, I know...(secretary offeres him a Pepto-bismol martini, which he gratefully slurpes down as Tasuki stepped in, holding a can of Surge.) Voice:Why, hi there, Tasuki! Whats that you have there? (Tasuki cheerfully bandishes SURGE.)Tasuki: This stuff kicks @##! its better than sake! Voice over: But Tasuki, wouldnt you rather have a can of clean, crisp Mountain Dew? Tasuki: No ^%$#in' way! That stuff tastes like %^$#! Ad-man:Tasuki, is that in the script? (Tasuki laughes, waving around a bag of ashes.) Tasuki:The script sucked. I re-wrote it. I re-did Nuriko's, too- Ad-Man(Bulging veins!): WHAT?!? (Cut to Nuriko, who is holding a can of Faygo pop and squinting, trying to read off of a cue card) Nuriko: For...the..best...ref..reshment...drink...GAYBOY! (Ad-man is curled in a fetal posititon, crying and wailing. Secretary props him up on his desk.) Secretary: Heres one who shouldnt be much trouble, sir...Chichiri! come in here! (Chichiri walks in, carrying a can of rootbeer) Chichiri:I love root beer no da! Tamahome(offscreen):Ne, Chichiri, is that "root beer" or "root beer no da"? Chichiri: Root beer no da! Tamahome: I know, but is it Root beer or- Chichiri (slightly irritated):Its root beer no DA! (The secretary shakes her head, then peeks over to the other soundstage, where Hotohori is filming a commercial for Hotohori brand creme soda) Hotohori:Try Hotohori cream soda, the only cream soda- Nuriko:(dashing over from other soundstage) -that tastes as good as Hothori himself! (announcement met by various gagging of other seishi. The only one not affected is Mitsukake, who continues nodding.) Tasuki: Nuriko, thats #@$!in sick! Hotohori:(Shrugging) Is it so unreasonable that my taste, the imperial taste of a beautiful emporer of Konan, would be preferable to that to creme soda? Nuriko (surounded by tiny hearts) Ze-TAIII! (no way!) Tama-neko: Mrw? ::nudges over can of "Mitsukake tonic water":: (Author: no personality, no taste, its just that simple.) (Tasuki cautiously slurps up bit of tonic water, spits it everywhere) Auuuugh! That stuffs DISGUSTING! Mitsukake: Yup. Nuriko: You should be ashamed! Mitsukake: Uh-huh. (Back to Chichiri and Tamahome, who have became SD and are hopping around the stage) Chichiri: ROOT BEER NO DAAAA! Tamahome: I KNOW! I KNOW! NEVER MIND! Ad-man:(looking really queasy) Okay, um, lets try the computer games.... Voice over: Nuriko, how do you like the exiting new action game Tomb Raider for PC? (Nuriko, playing with Barbie fasion CD rom, looks up in confusion) Nuriko: Whu? Tamahome: Nuriko, you should be playing Tomb Raider! Nuriko: But this games SOOOOO cute! I mean, look! (Changes Barbies dress from pink to purple) I would look SO much better than her in that! (huffs angrily) Ad-man: Oh, god...dare I even look at Tasuki? (Needless of his problems, the camera swings over to Tasuki, who is trying to play Solitare.) Computer voice: -You cant put that card there- Tasuki: WHAT? The %$#@ I CANT! Lekka- Ad-Man: NOOOOOOO! Tasuki:SHIEEENNN! (The 4,000 dollar unit is now charcoal.) Ad-man:(weeping uncontorllably) Tasuki, that was on LOAN! Tasuki(shrugs):Charge it to Hotohori. Or whatever authors writing this %$#@in' fic. (maniacal laughter issues somewhere in distance) Chiriko (at computer):Excuse me? Ad-man:Finnaly, a little sensibility...Yes, Chiriko? (we swing around to see that Chiriko is pitted against Deep Blue, one of the most powerfull chess computers ever. It appears to be crying.) Chiriko:Can I go home? Ad-man: Oh. Um...uh... Chichiri: Excuse me no da? Ad-man:YES?!?! Chichiri: I tried to get into your games network no da, but all im getting is this weird writing on the screen no da... (Pan in to the screen) Screen: CHICHIRI SAMA! CHICHIRI SAMA WA TOTEMPO KAKKOI DESU! WAIII! WOI AI NI CHICHIRI SAMA! Ad-Man:Um, could the author PLEASE STOP EMAILING CHICHIRI? (embarassed, but maniacle laughter comes from darkness) Tasuki: Who the %$#@ IS that? Tamahome: WAHHHH! (Camera pans over, to where a plasesd Tama-neko is jumping up and down in front of a weeping Tamahome. They appear to be playing Street fighter, and Tama- neko just bashed Tamahome to bits.) Tamahome: Defeated...I am defeated... Tama-neko: Mrw! Mitsukake: Good boy, Tama. Hotohori: Excuse me? (pan in to Hotohoris computewr to see SimCity) Hotohori:Exactly what does this game have to do with ruling a country? Ad-man: Well, it has fiscal realities, building- Hotohori: But no beautiful young maidens form another world? Ad-man: Um, no. Hotohori: How about mystical objects to be kidnapped from nbeighboring "Siii-mu See-tees"? Ad-man:No. Just fiscal stuff. Hothori: This game displeases me. I want to move on. Ad:man. Fine, How bout restaraunts? (fade to black. Fade up to see Chiriko in chuck-e- cheezes, bobbing up and down un a riding helicoper. He isnt amused.) Chiriko: How degrading! Voice over: Chuck-e-cheezes, wehre a kid can be a-what the? (Pat over to other side of helicoper ride. Tasuki has wedged himself inside the cab and is screaming in glee.) Tasuki: Take that you %$#@in' seiryuus! Bwahaaaa! Gen- chan is INVINCIBLE! Ad-man (face nearing hemhorrage) Tasuki, youre supposed to be at McDonalds! (Tasuki shrugs)Tasuki:This is cooler. (resumes to blowing away seiryuus)BWAHAAHAAA! Eat $#@!, Nakago! (Ad-man shakes his head in sadness, then waves his hand to fade out the commercial. Fade back up to see Chichiri walking down the street, triwrling a fishing rod.) Voice-over: Chichiri, where are you going? Chichiri:Im getting some fish no da! (Chichiri walks up to a very orante Long John Silvers, complete with windmeals and goldfish pond.) Voice-over: Yes, Long John-oh, what NOW? (Chichiri is sat by the pond, casting for a goldfish.) Ad-man:Chichiri, what are you doing?!? Chichiri: You said I should get fish here no da... Ad-man:Oh, %$#@. Go to KFC. (Pan to see Hotohori working the drive-thru of a KFC.) Hotohori: If you would like to experience my glory in the form of chicken, please come down to KFC. Here we will serve you the finest cuts of chicken win the Hotohori bucket meal: A 6 peice meal in a bucket modled after my beautiful, luxurious hat. (A car pulls up to the drive thru.) Woman in car: Yes, we would like to have the Hotohori- (A caped ninja dives out of the sky overhead, landing on the hood of the car. the the ninja rippes her hood away to reveal a distinctly pissed Nuriko.) Nuriko: You cant have my Hotohori-samaaaa! Woman:(looking scared) Um, if you would just- (Nuriko smashes in the windsheild and drags the lady out. She flails madly, but is no avail to Nurikos Bracelets-o'-death.) Nuriko: You, youuuu...arrgh! You dare try to steal my Hotohori-sama? Ill...Ill DESTROY YOU! (Hotohori watches boredly as Nuriko chases the umpteenth customer away from his window.) Ad-man:The CEO's gonna have my ass for THIS.... Secretary:Sir, Im afraid we have reached the last chance. Ad-man:You dont mean... Secretary: Yes, Im afraid so. In order to keep our deal with TV Tokyo, they have to be on American TV for at least 10 minutes....and Im afraid its the only way. Ad-man:Well, call the networks...guest appeareances it is. (Pan in to a bored girl flipping channels.) Girl: My god, Im bored...(grumbling) Thanks for the bit part, you stupid author- (The girl is cut off by a large boulder that falls form the sky, squashing her flat. More sinister laughter as we pan in on the tv, which mysteriously starts flipping by itself...we see Hotohori sitting an a "Masterpeice thater" setting.He is reading a cue card and looking a little annoyed.) Hotohori: Hello, I am Hotohori, 3rd emporor of the Tai- jyu dyansty and your guest host on _A&E Biography_. Tonight we will be studying the life of(pauses, reads card again)-Ben Franklin? whos that? (Some angered grumbling and a book come from backstage, Hotohori flips through it and wrinkles his nose.) Hotohori: I can assure you, I am MUCH better looking that this man. I think I shall do the biography on myself, instead...what do you mean I cant? Im the emporer of Konan! I- (The TV cuts off into static. Flip again to see Tasuki oon Jeapordy, singing along with the theme music as he writes his final answer down. The other contestants are galring at him, and Alex Trebec is holding his head in his hands trying not to weep.) Tasuki:(singing along tonelessly) Bah-bah-bah-bah-BAH ba-ba, Ba-ba-ba-ba BAH ba-ba-ba-ba- Alex:(weepily) Thats ENOUGH, Tasuki. Now, the answer was: This popular cartoon show, originating from Japan, was famous for its odangoed heroine and talking cat. We'll skip your wager, seeing as you have -32,000 dollars... Tasuki: This game is #$@!in rigged! Alex:And move directly to your answer. You answered: (Alex sighs) Tasuki, "Gen-chan is the man" is not in the form of a question, is it? Tasuki: No! Noone questions Gen-chans coolness! (Members of the DTFC cheer in agreement, are quickly swatted by frazzeled security guards.) Alex: Im afraid that about all of you I can take, Tasuki...youre disqualified. Tasuki:What? (Grabs Tessen from thin air) Noone disqualifies Gen-chan! Alex:Im sorry, Tasuki, but- Tasuki: REKKA SHIEEEENN! (The Jeapordy set is reduced to a pile of flaming trubble. The TV set switchs to reveal a very uncomfortable Chichiri sitting next to a scantily clad co-ed from a generic "WB-teen-drama" type show. An annoying pop tune plays in the background.) Chichiri: Masaka no da...why me no da? Tamahomes the hearthrob on the show, not me no da... (Author interjection: This is obviously untrue, of course. ^_~) Girl: (scootching torwards Chichiri) Im sorry, but I have to lose my virginity... Chichiri: (sweatdropping) Um, why no da? (The girl yanks the cord of the lamp out with her foot, pitching the room into darkness) Girl:Um, I think its to get revenge on my boyfriend...or to win a bet...or, wait, no...(Girl turns away, looking confused.) Chichiri: I forgot, the girls on theese shows have a limited mental capacity no da...(He turns into SD) Girl:Um...maybe it was to make Chrissy mad? (Turns back to Chichiri, to see he has made his escape.) Chichiri? Baby, whered you go? (She looks under the bed to see Chichiri struggling into his kasa) Chichiri: (Blushing bright red and sweatdropping) I dont do "hentais" no da! Its in my contract no da! Girl:Hey, wait! I still have to lose my virginity! Chichiri: Um, gomen nasai no da! (nervous laughing) SAYONARA NO DA! (dissapears) Girl:Aw, @#$%! why dont they ever STAAAAYYY? (weeping) (Stattic again! Now were in to Public Television, and its time for another romp on sesame street!) Theme song: Would you show me how to get, how to get to Sesame street... Chiriko: You can take 3rd street, go onto second-(is cut off by Big bird, who drags him off into the distance.) Big Bird:Chiriko, youre a very smart litle boy, arent you? Chiriko: Im smarter than you. Youve spent half your life in a bird suit! What kind of life is THAT? Big Bird:(obviously flustered) But, its not a costume! Im Big Bird! (In responce, Chiriko yanks off the head of the costume to reveal the unmasked Big Bird. The children in the audience burst into tears. we return to static on the TV, to see ER.) Lead doctor: Damnit! We need another hand in here! Wheres the guest star? (the orderly gingerly props up the mutilated man to reveal Mitsukake laying underneath.) Orderly: He never really moved...we thought he was a guerny. Mitsukake:Yup. (The TV statics again. Come back to see Tamahome on Baywatch, running slow-mo in the water. He comes to a beautiful drowning woman.) Woman:(glomping onto Tamahome)Oh, help me! Tamahome: You got any money? Woman:(confused) No... Tamahome: (dumping her back in the water) NEXT! (Fade away from TV. Come up on the Ad-man, who is watching with a sigh and a pepto-bismol cocktail.) Ad-man:Well, thank god thats over. Secretary: Well, not quite, sir. See, we just cut another deal with TV Tokyo... (The door bursts open to reveal the Sailor Seishi with microphones.) Usagi:Look, guys! We can be stars! Im sooo hungry... Rei:Shut up, Usagi! Ami:Calm down, everyuone... Ad-man:Masaka.... !!FINIS!!