Subconscious

I am so sorry I have to tell you this way but if i'd said it to your face you would have stopped me. I can't cope with life anymore. It's just too hard. Hard on my mind , body and soul. It's unfair to keep torturing myself so with this i am departing forever never to return. But have no fear as i'll make it as quick and painless so you wont have to worry if it hurt me or not. You were the only one.....

This sucide note only started off as a note but in writing this i began to feel better. So i decided to tell you about some of my life.

All my troubles started when i was 13 years old. It was the day of my 14th birthday and i had just come home from school. I was floating on a cloud of high. I was so happy i thought nothing could bring me down but i was wrong , dead wrong.

I had walked into the lounge room to find my father lying face down in a pool of his own blood. A hand gun lay next to his right hand and an empty bottle of Jim Beam next to his other. Fear and horror settled over my body , paralysing me. I stood there for what seemed an eternity but was in fact about 30 seconds. I snapped out of my trance and started screaming. I screamed until one of the neighbours came running in. She took one look at my father and called the ambulance , which i know was a waste of time , and the police.

My mum came home to find Dad being loaded on a stretcher in a black bag and me crying outside having a cigarette. Mum said that i'd get over it but i never have. So that was one of the greatest tragedies of my life. But believe me there are many more to come such as this one.

It wasn't even a year later that my mother met my future step father. They met at a nightclub in the city. He was drunk and so was mum , again. She had started drinking ever since Dad had killed himself. It was as if she wasn't there anymore. Just an empty space filled with alcohol. We didn't , or should i say couldn't , talk anymore. Mum didn't even care what i did , said or even went. My mum and I had a good relationship but as soon as she started drinking that went right down the toilet.

Anyway back to when my mum and Jeff met. As i said they were both smashed. Jeff had come with a mate so he had no transport , mum offered to go halves in a cab ride home but Jeff didn't go home instead he came to our house and slept with my mum. I know this because i heard a lot of noise just outside my room so i peeked out my door and saw my mum and Jeff half naked going into her bedroom. Soon as the door had closed i ran into the bathroom and threw up until my stomach hurt. I did this every time mum brought home someone new. But this guy was different. About three weeks later he moves in. Jeff was alright in the beginning but later on in the next month he said he couldn't stand my attitude and started hitting me. For instance one night mum was working a late shift at work and Jeff had a few too many drinks and started getting violent. He threw half full beer bottles at me and then took of his belt and hit me across the back. That happened a lot when mum wasn't around so i just got use to the pain and blocked it out. I had to protect my youngest brother , my only brother. I couldn't bring myself to tell my mum as she loved my step father and did not want to split up the family so i kept it to myself. I tried so hard to act and appear normal to my friends and teachers but it didn't work. My English teacher was forever asking "What's wrong?" and i always told her that it was nothing.

I felt so alone one day that i told her everything. She was so shocked that she didn't know what to say. I went to my seat feeling a little better that i had actuaally told someone. She came over to me at the end of class and asked if i'd consider seeing a Welfare Co-Ordinator. I said ok and that's how i started seeing a councellor. The Welfare Co-Ordinator felt that she was out of her league and asked me to see a professional councellor.

During my sessions there i was always asking "Why me?" "Why did my faather have to kill himself?" "Was he that unhappy?" Of course no one could answer my questions but Mandy my councellor was more concerned about what was happening at home. She said that I worried more about my brother aand what would happen to my mum if Jeff left than myself. Mandy also said that in worrying about everyone but myself i escape my problems and help solve other peoples and that wasn't the way to help myself. She was trying to talk me into telling my mum what was going on and getting the Child Protection Agency in.

The last time i saw Mandy was for only a short while as i had to go home and cook tea. The previous night had been worse than usual. I was so scared that Jeff would start beating my brother that i told Mandy to get the Child Protection Agency in. And that was the last time i saw Mandy , actually it was the last time i saw any of my friends. That's when i decided that i couldn't take it anymore , in fact i think i'll burn this. It hasn't made me feel better , it's just getting me more depressed. So i think i'll just pick up this gun and..........