The Goose And Horn Pub

Once again, This room contains graphic jokes only continue if you are 18 or older

Remember when... Computer was something on TV from a science fiction show... a WINDOW was something you hated to clean....and RAM was the cousin of a goat.....MEG was the name of my girlfriend...and GIG was your middle fingar upright...now they all mean different things...and that really MEGA BYTES...an APPLICATION was for employment...a program was a TV show...a CURSOR used profanity...a KEYBOARD was a piano...MEMORY was something that you lost with age...a CD was a bank account...and if you had a 3 1/2" FLOPPY you hoped nobody found out...COMPRESS was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a FILE...and if you UNZIPPED anything in public you'd be in jail for a while...LOG ON was adding wood to the fire...HARD DRIVE was a long trip on the road...a MOUSE PAD was where a mouse lived...and a BACKUP happened to your commode...CUT you did with a pocket knife...PASTE you did with glue...a WEB was a spider's home...and a VIRUS was the flu... I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper...and the MEMORY in my head... I hear nobody's been killed in a COMPUTER CRASH... but when it happens they wish they were dead

There were two twins, Joe and John.  Joe was the owner of an old
dilapidated boat.  It just so happened that John's wife died the
same day Joe's boat sank.
A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him
for John, said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss.  You must feel
terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm
sort of glad to be rid of her.  She was a rotten old thing from
the beginning.  Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled
like an old dead fish, and she was always losing her water.  She
had a bad crack in the back, and a pretty big hole in the front,
too.  Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked
like crazy.  I guess what finally finished her off was when I
rented her to these four guys looking for a good time.  I warned
them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her
anyhow.  The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split
right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.

   A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, 
 multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of 
 leather rags.
   His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are 
 riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits 
 down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares 
 at him for the next ten miles.
   Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What are 
 you looking at you old fart......didn't you ever do anything wild when you 
 were young?"
   Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was 
 young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore,
 and had sex with a parrot. 
 I thought maybe you were my son."

The birth of a candybar...
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.  I saw Miss Hershey standing
behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my
Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a
Million Dollar Bar?"  Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was
like Pure Almond Joy!  I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy
to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.  It was all I could do to hold the
Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started
to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"  Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I
knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste
of the old Milky Way.  She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "hey Chicklet, no
kinky stuff."  I said "look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver.
Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece
of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)  She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three
Musketeers!"  as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.
Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden. . .  my Starburst!
Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in
her stomach.  Sure enough, nine months later, out popped Baby Ruth!

DICTIONARY OF DATING  
 DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money,
 time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you
 don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot
 less in the  future. 
 EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man. 
 EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to
 a man that she is interested in him.  Despite being advised to do
 so, many women have  difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes,
 not  necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact
 that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. 
 FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has
 some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. 
 INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man,  which is
 interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get." 
 IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially
 attract two people to each other turn into after a few months
 together. 
 NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do
 it more often than he does. 
 SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love. 
 ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular
 person. 
 LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not
 entirely choosy people meet. 
 LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is
 directly proportionate to how  unattractive your date is.

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young
 newlywed couple, wanted to join a church. 
   The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
 "You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
   The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
   The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to
 abstain from sex for the two weeks?" 
   The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
   "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. 
   The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you
 able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" 
   The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had
 to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." 
   "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. 
   The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you
 able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" 
   "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the
 young man replied sadly. 
   "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. 
   "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.
 When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage
 of her right there." 
   "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
 church," stated the pastor. 
   "We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore
 either." 

Eighty-eight...
A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup. He
 turned out to be absolutely gorgeous! He told her
 he was going to put his hand on her back and he
 wanted her to say "Eighty-eight." 
 "Eighty-eight," she purred.
 "Good. Now I'm going to put my hand on your throat
 and I want you to again say "'Eighty-eight.'" 
 "Eighhty...eighhhhtttt."
 "Fine. Now I'm going to put my hand on your chest
 and I want you once more to say 'Eighty-eight."
 "One, two, three, four, five..."

One day Mr.Jones went to have a talk with the minister at her church.
 "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem--my wife keeps falling
 asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
 "I have an idea," said the minister. 
"Take this hatpin with you. I'll  be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, 
and I will motion to you at specific times.
 When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."
 In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off.  Noticing this,
 the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for
 you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.  Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband
 jabbed her in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones,"
 said the minister.
 Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
 your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.
 "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the hatpin.
 "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.
 Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister
 didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
 motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again. 
He was just sticking his wife with the hat pin again when the
 minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" 
 Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time
 and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!!!!"
 The sermon was over.

There is a new commander of a base of the French Legion and a captain is
 showing him around all the buildings.  After he has made the rounds, the
 commander looks at the captain and says,  "Wait minute.  You haven'tshown me
 that small blue building over there.  What's that used for?" 
 The captain says, "Well sir, you can see that there are no women around.
 Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use thecamel."
 "Enough!" says the commander in disgust.
 Well, four weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of a
 woman.  He goes to the captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain."
 Lowering his voice and glancing furtively around, he asks, "Is the camel free
 anytime soon?"
 The captain says "Well, let me see."  he opens up his book.  "Why, yes,sir,
 the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock.
 The commander says, "Put me down for 2 o'clock then." 
 So the next day at two o'clock the commander goes to the  little bluebuilding
 and opens the door.  There inside he finds the cutest camel he's everseen.
 Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the doorbehind
 him and puts the step stool directly behind the camel.  He stands on the
 stool, drops his pants,  and begins to have sex with the camel.....
 A minute later the captain walks in.  "Ahem, begging your pardon, sir,"says
 the captain, "But wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town andfind a
 woman like all the other men do.?

Two accountants were standing in the park.One had a new bike.
The other said, "Nice bike. How much?"The first said, "It was free."
The other asked, "Wow, how did you get it for free?"
The one with the bike said," Yesterday a beautiful
girl rode up on this bike, took off all her clothes
and told me I could have anything I wanted."
The other accountant said, "Good move! Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway!"

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
  "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."

A female student shows up during a young
 professor's office hours.  She glances down the
 hall, closes his door and kneels at his feet, pleading...
 "I would do anything to pass the exam".
 She leans closer to him, flipping back her hair,
 gazing meaningfully into his eyes and  sensuously
 whispers "I mean..., I would do....anything!!!".
 He returns her gaze.  "Anything???" 
 "Oh yes" she said, "anything!"
 He stared into her eyes, and in a whisper said "Would you.....Study?"

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class.
 The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off.
 The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
 A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out
 his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts.
 She can't believe that such a rude person exists.
  A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his
 wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had
 enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed,
 and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off!
 What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
 The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am.
 I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
 The woman then asks, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
 The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

Olaf died in a fire and his body was so badly
burned  that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the
body. So they called up his two friends Swen and
Lars to come and try to I.D. the body.
Swen went in first and the mortician pulled back
the sheet and Swen said "Yaa, he's burnt pretty
bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over and Swen looked at
his butt and said "No dat ain't Olaf."  The
mortician didn't say any thing but thought that was
kind of strange.
Then he brought in Lars to I.D. the body and Lars
looked at him and said "Yaa he's burnt real bad,
roll him over."  The mortician rolled him over and
Lars looked down at his butt and said "No dat ain't
Olaf."
The mortician said "How can you tell?"  Lars said
"Well Olaf had two asses."  "What? he had two
asses?" said the mortician. "Yaa, everyone in town
knew he had two asses.  Every time the three of us
went to town everyone would say "Here comes Olaf
with them two asses!"

Little Johnny comes home from Catholic school with a black eye.  His
 father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to
fight
 with the other boys?"
 "But Dad," said Johnny, "It wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying
 our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in
 the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out.   That's when she hit
 me!"
 "Johnny", the father said, "You don't do those kind of things to women!
 Just leave it alone!"
 Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black
 and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk about this!"
 "But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church
 saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress
 in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and
 he reached over and pulled it out. But now I know she doesn't like that, so
 I pushed it back in!"

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how
to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he
is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was
how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in
the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief,  "This is
a tree."  
The chief looks at the tree and grunts,  "Tree."  The missionary
is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and
says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when
he hears a rustling in the bushes.  As he peeks over the top, he
sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity.  The padre
is really flustered and quickly responds,  "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and
kills them.  The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that
he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and
kind to each  other, so how could he just kill these people in
cold blood that way? 
The chief replied, "My bike."

Mr. Anders son came home one day after a party and told his dad he'd
just had sex for the first time.  His dad being a tipical male was very
proud of his son and told him to get in the truck he was going to buy
him something.  The son decided he wanted a bike.  When they were
walking out of the bike store Mr.Anders asked his son if he wanted to
ride the bike home.  To which the son replied, no dad put it in the
truck my ass is still sore.

One day Three men were captured by a tribe of canibals and were taken to there chief. The chief gave them the following ultimatium.
"You may either chose death or Bobo!" he decrided
"Which do you wish death or bobo?" he asked the first.
"Well I dont wish to die so I chose bobo." the man said.
With a grin upon the chiefs face the guards lead the man away to a hut where the biggest uglyist guy the man ever saw stood.
"Hi I am bobo, I like you turn arround, me fuck you, he he he."
After the mans short love relationship with bobo he was lead back to his friends walking awfully funny.
"Dont chose bobo!" the man cried out to his friends. "You will regret it!"
"The hell I am going to die!" the second man says. " I want bobo too!"
Again the man is lead away to the hut of bobo and he too is liked by bobo. He is then lead back to where his friends are. And he with the first man convince the third that he didnt want bobo.
"I choose death." the man replyed timidly to the question realizing that he was sealing his on fate.
"Good." replyed the cheif.
The man was lead out and to the hut of bobo where bobo smiled.
"Death by Bobo, he he he!!!!"

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

More Dirty Jokes...