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It has come to our attention that Santa is not so nice.
The Daily Junta received an anonymous phone call last night which stated that Santa had used his 'Naughty and Nice Girls' list to find a suitable partner to accompany him to a Marilyn Manson concert.

On going through his trash we found vast amounts of White Mascara and Black Lipstick. At first we thought this was the proof we needed but two elves informed us that Mrs. Claus was going through HRT which was a place these two reporters were not willing to go.

On asking his long term chauffeur, Rudolph, why would Mr. Claus be going to a Marilyn Manson concert, we got an antler in the face and this response :-
"Mr. C got a letter from a Mr. Jimmy Merkowitz of Oslo, Norway who asked him for two tickets to the concert but had not been sufficiently good to receive his bounty so he went himself"

We asked Mr. Claus would he like to comment but all we got was an outraged "Bugger Off Redford"....clearly he was dillusional with anger.

Finally we asked Marilyn himself how he felt about the bearded fella being his number one fan "Well my fanbase has being growing these last few years, but a fictional character is really trippy" was the response we received.

As soon as we get anymore information we will hold our ears and sing loudly.

SADDAM HUSSEIN LOOKS TO IRELAND IN WAR AGAINST THE WEST 11/12/1998

In a dastardly attempt to bypass UN sanctions, Saddam Hussein has looked to Ireland in an effort to manufacture chemical weapons of mass destruction. In what one Catholic bishop has called "A bastard of a thing to do", Saddam's henchmen have kidnapped eighteen Irishmen who have a fondness for the 'Black Stuff'. Indeed Guinness drinkers all over Ireland have taken to having their pints delivered rather than face the prospects of a chance encounter with the stereotypical, burly Arabness that is Saddam's gang of kidnappers.

It has emerged that all the victims were brought to the underground chemical weapons facility at Basra in Iraq. It is thought that Iraqi scientists discovered the intoxicating effects of Guinness whilst on a field trip to Ireland. Following a reception given by the Irish Muck and Shite Society (I'M ASS) during which copious amounts of alcohol were consumed, the Iraqi scientists retired for the night. The chamber maid at the Ballyscutter Arms Hotel was shocked the next morning to find that no soap had been left in the guest bedrooms. She also discovered three dead Arabs and a rather large puddle of vomit. Another of the scientists was found to be merely unconscious. The chambermaid, one Mary Immaculate Concepta O'Higgins nee Byrne was heard to comment "By Jaysus, the smell in there would knock a herd of elephants sideways".

Taking a sample of the gas from the room, the surviving Iraqi scientist returned to Iraq where extensive tests were carried out. The gas was found to contain arsenic, cyanide and trace elements of Liffey water which becomes highly explosive when exposed to cleanliness. These are the findings which led to the kidnap of the men who have become known as the 'St. James' Gate Eighteen'.

In an act of pure depravity, the Iraqi government has released video footage of the eighteen men in captivity. All eighteen men, once reasonably slim but now bloated, can be seen sitting in what appears to be a reasonably inoffensive mock Irish pub. Vast amounts of Guinness have been put in front of each of the men. They drink steadily and each has the expression of a Romanian mother who has just seen her baby taken away by wolves only to give birth to twins an instant later. The captives are all naked and are forced into obedience by the constant presence of naked Iraqis with whips and handcuffs. Protruding from the anus of each of the men is a long tube and it is thought that this is the means by which the deadly gas is extracted. At the end of the footage one of the men is marched forward and forced to announce his love for the country which now holds him captive. The testimony of Bernard Murphy, a native of County Cork, makes an emotional scene. "The pipe up the arse is hell but that's the best fuckin Guinness I've ever had".
Mr. Murphy's parents are said to be embarrassed.

Late yesterday evening a rather drunk and angry Gay Byrne declared in front of everyone at the RTE Christmas party that Dustin, the loveable Turkey from Den TV, was really a puppet. It all began, it seems, when Soky, Zuppy and that new bloke, whom we shall refer to as Ray, started slagging Dustin about being stuffed for Christmas. Uncle Gaybo overheard their conversation and attacked Ray shouting "Oh he’ll be stuffed alright. Stuffed with cotton and sawdust. That bastard is a feckin’ dummy." After a shocked silence, Gaybo was dragged from Kielys of Donnybrook (where the pints are great and the craic is mighty. Just ring 267543 to book your Christmas party) by, as Bosco described them, ‘Two Huge Hoors’. Mr Byrne could be heard shouting, "Look at the eejit with his hand up his arse for fuck's sake", as he left.

Mr. Byrne, of course, is no stranger to controversy. Only last year he was accused of molesting four of the Billy Barry Kids, backstage at the Toy Show. We tried to ask a close friend of Gaybo’s if this was the reason for his drunken outburst, but we couldn’t find any. An RTE Social Club barman, however, stated that Mr. Byrne had become increasingly aggressive since the allegations and could be found nearly every day sipping Vodka and Red Bull in the Club. He also stated that Gay became infuriated one day when Dustin interviewed one of the Billy Barry Kids on the Den. The child had broke down crying during the middle of the show. Gaybo had run from the pub before realising that the child was crying because he wasn’t allowed to sing ‘Tomorrow’ from Annie.

Uncle Gaybo has gone into seclusion but the reverberations of his comments can still be heard ringing around RTE. One man (or creature) who doesn’t seem unperturbed by Mr. Byrne’s accusations is Dustin himself. In fact the Turkey Vulture can be heard saying ‘Wah Wah Wah. That Gay Byrne is only Brooooooooootal anyway. Go on outta that yer only Man, a Batter Booooooooorger".

The inevitable has finally happened in Irish League Soccer today, when it was announced at a general meeting of the board of directors of Shelbourne F.C. that media conglomerate ‘The Nationalist and Leinster Times’ along with CKR FM have jointly tabled a bid to take a controlling share in the club. The move, yet to be ratified by the FAI, would see the hitherto fiscally challenged club, join the ranks of St. Patrick’s Athletic at the helm of the Irish Soccer Revival. It is hoped by the clubs directors that with the backing of the media giant that substantial improvements can be made to the club, giving them the financial clout in the market place to bid for the likes of public toilets. Seasoned observers also believe that this move could lead to an influx of foreign players to Tolka Park, possibly even involving a deal with Munster giants Cork City for the transfer of Brian Barry Murphy, the wonder kid of Munster football.

The move would also see legendary newshound, Charlie Keegan, being installed in the big smoke as The Nationalists representative and General Manager of the club, although this has yet to be confirmed as Mr. Keegan was unable to attend the press conference due to prior commitments at a junior camogie match in Fenagh. Mr. Keegan’s responsibilities will involve liasing with the media, development of the merchandising side of the club, and developing and strengthening the relationship with long term sponsor, Dulux Paints.

The atmosphere at the press conference was tense as the shocked Shelbourne fan pledged to do all in his power to stop the sale of the club to what he described as ‘the most evil radio station in the world’. A meeting of the fan and his dog is planned for 11.00am on Wednesday at the dole office, Drumcondra, and he’s hoping to get the backing of the defunct supporters club, which disbanded last year amid controversy over the lack of entertainment offered at Tolka Park. The fan also voiced his concerns over a proposed move for the club to a green field site in Leighlinbridge, Co. Carlow, stating that ‘the fans simply won’t travel to that kip’. However this move is considered to be unlikely as the residents of the Co. Carlow hamlet have expressed concerns over a large stadium casting a shadow over their already dreary town.

The players however seem to be taking the news in their stride, one hack describing their nonchalance regarding the whole affair as akin to their attitude to defending. Indeed the barman in Quinns has stated that it’s business as usual, with reports of Dessie Baker going pint for pint with Tony Sheridan, and Dublin Corporation has said that there was no reported shortage of road sweepers. Training was cancelled as normal this morning, with a full non –attendance by the players. The players were all keen to stress that this affair will not affect their European campaign, although only one, the educated left foot of Sheridan, realised that they had actually been knocked out in the preliminary round to FC Ski of Andorra. All the other players practised their free kicks on the bouncers in Rumours nightclub. The League of Ireland awaits with baited breath the decision of the FAI over this matter, and whatever happens, The Daily Junta will seize upon every opportunity to report the smallest detail in the most melodramatic and sensational way.

Late last night The Vatican released a notice to the press declaring bankruptcy.

The statement declared that over the last 5 years the Vatican and all it’s subsidiaries, had made a financial loss of over 500 billion dollars. Although not all the figures and facts are in, it is widely believed that the main cause of their losses is due to the popularity of Microsoft’s package WinChurch.

WinChurch was introduced to the public 6 years ago by Microsoft as a way for Christians, who were unable to attend Mass, to pray to God through the Internet. The package was an immediate success and after 2 years, nearly 2 million copies had been sold in the US. Although WinChurch was proving to be very popular, The Vatican was unaware of this as the package was mostly aimed at old and dying Christians. However with the introduction of WinChurch95 things started to change and soon half the World’s Catholic population were attending Internet Mass.

The main reason for this huge rise in VAIN (Virtual Altars for Internet Network) was due to the new Priest Selector option. With this you could choose from a selection of celebrities who would say Mass and give their sermon naked. Also one could get Instant Replays of the wine turning to blood or choose a Death Match between God and Satan. People were finding these options far superior to ordinary Mass and, of course, all could be done within the comfort of one’s own home.

Obviously, The Vatican became alarmed but their attempts to win back their congregation (such as ‘The Rapping Reverend’ and lacing the Communion Bread with LSD) were futile. Today only 20% of the world’s Catholics still attend ‘Actual Mass’, 15% of these are from Tribes which believe that electricity will eat their souls and bring them to Hell.

One cannot see any hope for Vatican PLC but with the onset of WinChurch2000, the other Religions will have to beware too. It is rumoured that WC2000 will cater for Hindu, Judaism and even Scientology. Also rumoured, is that to cater for the different foundations of these religions, all Deities will be referred to as Bill. Church going seems like a thing of the past and with Virtual Religions the limits to one’s faith seem infinite. Some sceptics say that Bill Gates has gone too far and these attempts to branch out into other Religions is due to a sick God complex. Mr. Gates was unavailable for comment as he is rumoured to be busily working on the Pilgrim market.

In an effort to boost flagging ratings, RTE is about to announce a new Summer schedule that is set to scintillate viewers around the country. Although the announcement was not to be released to the press until April, Mr. Slybacon, a disgruntled employee, leaked the information late last night whilst on the piss. RTE has come under increasing pressure due to many people switching over to watch programmes such as 'Sex and the City', 'Naked in Westminster' and the new Sky One show, 'Tits n Ass Uncovered'. The national station has decided to launch several new sizzling programmes of its own to attract viewers. And in what is being seen as a bold decision, RTE is going to produce its own programmes using homegrown talent.

With the departure of Gay Byrne, Friday night is to be revamped. The new primetime slot will be taken by The Gay Gay Show. It is not yet understood whether this title is a tribute to Gaybo, or if its RTE's effort to bring in the homosexual audience. One thing is certain, Aonghus MacAnally will present the show. Draw your own conclusions. Gay Byrne himself has been quoted as saying 'You thought you'd never see the back of Uncle Gaybo, didn't you? Hmmm? Didn't you? You naughty, naughty audience.'

Another programme in the pipeline is 'Naked in Dáil Eireann'. Presented by John Bowman, this programme will look at the rarely seen sexy side of Irish politics. Highlights of the series will include a peek into Mary Harney's underwear drawer, footage of John Bruton skinny dipping, and three rounds of topless foxy boxing with Liz O'Donnell and Mary Harney. Although some senior politicians are said to be shocked at the thoughts of this explicit programme, party leaders Bruton and Harney are said to be thrilled at the prospects of greater exposure to the public.

Fair City is to be one of the major casualties in the Summer shake-up at RTE. It is to be replaced with a drama that is less true to life and a little more raunchy. 'The Clap' is to be the new primetime drama on RTE. It features two lovable rogues (Mick Lally and Gabriel Byrne) and their quest for cheap hookers on the streets of Dublin. Subjects broached in the programme will include oral sex, anal sex, and the price of a hand shandy down by the canal. The spirit of Fair City will remain in the new programme however, as the cheap sets, wooden acting and ugly actresses are to be retained. You can catch 'The Clap' in your living rooms from June 1st and the programmers in Montrose promise it will keep you on the edge of your seat.

Scene 1: Auntie Bessie's (council flat in London)

Ed:- Auntie Bessie, I'm heading to work now
Auntie Bessie:- Hold on there love I made rasher sangwiches for you

(Bessie, IRA mastermind known to the connected few in Belfast as The Chemist, puts down the semtex she was working on and picks up Ed's lunchbox)

Ed:- (to himself) Jaysus, Auntie Bessie's rasher sangwiches really blow my mind. Savage yokes altogether.

Meanwhile, Auntie Bessie, having inhaled rather too much explosives for one morning, picks up the lunchbox full of Semtex in her high state.

Auntie Bessie:- Fuck me. Is this the sangwiches or is it the semtex. Ah I can't be arsed checking.

Auntie Bessie walks down the stairs and hands Ed his sangwiches

Auntie Bessie:- Enjoy those now Ed. I put some of your favourite brown sauce in there to give them a bit of a kick.

Scene ends with Ed walking down the lane to the sound of The Chemical Brothers 'Blockrocking Beats'.


Scene 2
Ed waits at the bus-stop for three hours.

Ed:- (to himself) By God am I hungry. I'd eat a nun's arse through a convent gate.

The bus arrives and Ed boards whistling the tune to 'Going on up to the Spirit in the Sky'


Scene 3
Ed sits beside a foxy young chick on the top of the bus and finds himself in a dilemma. Hungry as hell after his long wait he wants to eat his sangwiches but thinks his chances of chatting up the bird will be ruined if he's covered in Aunie Bessie's brown sauce.

Ed: Howya hon?
Foxy Chick: Fuck off Paddy!

Ed thinking his chances are slim decides to eat his sangwiches anyway. From the corner of the screen we see foxy chick extract a packet of cigarettes from her pocket. Ed opens the lunchbox.

Ed:- (to himself) Ah Jaysus they're gone stale.
Foxy Chick:- Do you have a light Paddy? (flashes her come to bed eyes and raises her skirt until Ed can see where the frills on her knickers would be if she had any on)
Ed:- Good Lord. You're going to catch a cold.
Foxy Chick:- Do you have a light or not you stupid Irish toilet?

Ed takes the lighter from his pocket which is there not because he smokes but just in case he meets a foxy chick who wants a light. This will be explained at the end of the film in a Star Wars like sequence that will use green, white and gold lettering as opposed to the unimaginative George Lucas black and white lettering.

Ed:- Here you go you dirty slapper

Ed grins as he lights the cigarette thinking the shocked look on Foxy Chick's face is due to his foul language. He comes to think differently as in slow motion, he sees a ball of flame emerge from his crotch.


Scene 4
The bus explodes in what will account for 95% of the movie's budget. Aunt Bessie hears the blast in the distance and opens the lunchbox. She wets herself when she sees rasher sangwiches inside and not the semtex she expected. The camera focuses on the puddle of pee below her flowery skirt for four seconds before returning to the carnage.


Scene 5
Above the blast, the disembodied heads of Ed and Foxy Chick are seen to fly high and at the apex, their lips meet in a grotesque kiss. The film ends with the camera following the heads back to earth. Recommended music for closing scene : 'Drop Kick me Jesus through the Goal-posts of Life' by Jesse and the James Boys

Cast:
Ed - Stephen Rea
Aunt Bessie - Brenda Fricker
Foxy Chick - Unknown hopeful with big jugs who is willing to perform sexual favours for the director

Director
Figs

Following the successful privatisation of Telecom Eireann the preliminary stages of a similar privatisation plan are being considered by the Holy Roman and Apostolic church.

The church, more commonly known as the Catholic Church in Ireland, is already a world leader in devotion but might consider privatisation in view of the increased competition in religious markets. “ Things are changing rapidly in the monotheistic end of the religious market” explains Vatican mergers and acquisitions spokesman Bishop Bongo n’Gottto of Ghana “the church must develop a more aggressive market policy or risk losing out to newer more high-tech religions”. The Catholic church has traditionally been one of the more conservative “blue-chip” religions which rank highly in the portfolios of middle to large scale faith investors. Many religious analysts have criticised it for failing to exploit new developments in the devotional field but the church has remained cautious, perhaps remembering previous failures in the market. Even after 500 years the failure of the church’s last promotional gimmick lies heavily in the minds of senior Vatican thinkers. The attempt to improve efficiency by launching a new “stream-lined” version of the church, known as Catholicism lite, failed miserably when the chief executive of the new branch, M. Luther, attempted a hostile take-over of the parent company.

The move would certainly be popular with existing shareholders in the church who would receive a hefty windfall in the event of privatisation. Senior Catholics of 20 to 30 years faith might receive up to a sainthood while more junior members who only attend meetings at Christmas and Easter would probably get a few free sins forgiven or a nice chalice. Non catholic consumers would also be able to buy in to the privatised church once the flotation is achieved and this would undoubtedly prove attractive to large investors who already have a stake in Judaism or Islam. The far-eastern religions of Shinto, Buddhism and Confucianism would be slow to follow suit however due to the turmoil in devotional futures caused by the Asian downturn of 1998. Investors worried that the church would find flotation difficult would also be reassured by the religion’s experience both during the Ark period and by ex-senior manager J. Christ’s success at the Sea of Galilee.

Jennifer Lopez has shocked Hollywood today by unveiling her new film, "Latino Lolita". Debuting the film in an obscure screen in North Hollywood, Lopez described the film as ‘a cross between Desperado and 9 ˝ weeks'. Hollywood hacks have been left dumbfounded by, not only the adult nature of some of films scenes, but also by Lopez' choice of leading man. Fergal Cunningham, an Irishman, who’s only previous experience of acting has been appearing in Irish schools quiz, "Blackboard Jungle", was chosen for what Lopez' described as 'his smeg', a physical defect not seen in Hollywood since the halcyon days of Clarke Gable's ears.

It seems Lopez' only stipulation in hiring Cunningham was that he left his distinctive flowing mutton chops ungroomed for the duration of filming. Apparently, Lopez found their silken touch irresistible during the sultry love scenes. However, insiders say Cunningham was left with a sour taste in his mouth after a stunt double was enlisted to partake in some of the movie's more graphic sex scenes.

Despite the Irishman's lack of big time experience, critics say that Cunningham's performance is out of his top drawer, one journalist describing him as 'smouldering like wet dynamite'. Another less scientifically adept hack mentioning that ‘the chemistry between Lopez and Cunningham is magnetic'.

Despite his relative inexperience in acting, Cunningham is already an advocate of the method-acting school of thought. He's been quoted as saying that for the last two months he has been experimenting with exotic Latino babes, although some paparazzi have caught him marauding the towns and streets of Wexford, Ireland, escorting women whom locals have described merely as 'homely'. This he says gives him a good idea of what type of world his character Fig Figgler exists in. However, because of the somewhat risqué content of Figgler’s life, many acting critics have noted that it would have been best leaving this character to the imagination.

RTE has hotly denied rumours that it drove former Glenroe star Mick Lally into prostitution. Station bosses have said that the long-running agri soap being axed earlier this year is not responsible for the saggy faced actor, who played saggy faced farmer Miley Byrne, being arrested for soliciting men in the Phoenix Park last weekend.

'Lallly was selling his ass long before we axed Glenroe,' said RTE chief Bob Collins, 'and I've got the receipts to prove it. Mick is an attractive man and in many ways, it is a natural progression for him to trade on his good looks'. 'Giving handjobs is not that different to milking cows, which Miley was certainly good at,' quipped Collins.

In a statement read out by Lally's solicitor, the star said: 'All I was trying to do was make a few pound for a bite to eat, like.' Lally's embarrassing situation comes hot on the heels of news last week that Mary McEvoy, who for over a decade played Biddy Byrne in the show, was seen taking a half eaten sandwich out of a bin on O'Connell Street.

A BIZARRE type-o in a legal document means the Republic of Ireland soccer team will have to play their Euro 2004 qualifying matches in Taoiseach Bertie Ahern's lower intestine, or 'Bertie's Bowel.' And with the GAA voting against 'foreign games' being played in Croke Park last weekend, international rugby games could soon follow soccer up the Taoiseach's arsehole.

The clerk who drafted the planning permission for the proposed National Stadium, commonly known as Bertie's Bowl, made the simple spelling mistake from transcribing the oral pronunciation of the Irish premier. Manger Mick McCarthy seemed unfazed by the prospect of important games taking place in such a confined space. 'Most of my lads play down the Divisions so they are used to playing in sub-standard stadiums and in front of small crowds,' he said.

The games being played up the Drumcondra man's jaxy would not however be totally unprecedented. He kindly hosted an extraordinary general meeting of the Fingal North ICA two years ago after their own building was knocked down by a big fuck-off bulldozer. 'It was spacious enough,' said Mrs. Bunty McPissflaps-Smyth, Chairperson of the group. 'But there was a fierce smell of shite off us for days.'

A crack team of Garda Siochana siege specialists, some of whom were involved in the Abbeylara shooting last year, were responsible for the freeing of over 60 hostages held in a luxury hotel in Istanbul by a gang of Chechen rebels.

With eerie similarity, the Chechen gang's leader, Muhammet Emin Tokcan, was shot dead as he left the building carrying a hoover fitting. The Daily Junta can exclusively reveal that the team, led by maverick loose cannon Superintendent Aidan 'The Butcher' McHugh stormed the building this morning armed with only fists, West of Ireland accents and sarcasm.

Shots were fired inside the building and initially no-one was badly injured. There were clearly audible shouts of 'Come out ya blaggard!' and 'If ah git rownd to yuh....ah'll put yuh out true dat wall and it'll take an act of parliament to git yuh beck in!' and 'Ye're nottin but go-boys!'. Within minutes 18 embarrassed looking gun men were marched into a waiting convoy of police cars, followed by McHugh and his team, their yellow fluorescent jackets splattered with blood from the struggle and tomato sauce and cider from the previous Saturday night's fighting.

Last to leave was McHugh, with Tokcan firmly held in a headlock. But when the Chechen reached into his jacket and produced a brush-like hoover fitting with which to wipe his blood from McHugh's jacket, he was riddled with bullets. It is now feared Chechen groups will target Templemore hotels in revenge attacks.

A High Court judge has sparked off an international row by ruling that RTÉ has the right to televise pictures of a brutal thug carrying out his sentence. A row has been raging in the USA this week over a court battle to secure the TV rights to the execution of convicted Oklahoma bomber Timothy McVeigh.

Now the furore looks set to be mirrored in Ireland after Judge John Neilan ruled yesterday that the national broadcaster could show explicit pictures of Manchester United's Roy Keane spending four weeks on a sun holiday following his brutal thigh-high tackle on Manchester City's Alf Inge Haaland.

'Okey doke. We feel Roy Keane has committed a foul act and that it's vital that young people see what happens to those who break the law so wantonly,' said RTÉ's Bill O'Herlihy. 'We will have a satellite link up with Roy from the pool side in Barbados so we can see the turmoil and regret he goes through while missing the last three or four meaningless matches his team mates play.'

But human rights groups have reacted angrily. Outgoing UN Commissioner for Human Rights Mary Robinson said 'This is a barbaric practice and I condemn the notion of RTÉ's viewers taking pleasure from the suffering of another human being, whatever crimes they themselves may have committed.' Mrs Robinson also called for RTÉ to cancel The Late Late show, saying it was 'at best unsavoury, at worst downright disturbing to watch guest after guest being patronised, pawed and pestered by Pat Kenny’, whom she referred to as 'blatantly in breach of the Geneva Convention.'

Roy Keane said: 'I don't give a bollix, like. It's just means I don't have to go to fuckin' Bradford or whatever shitehole to play meaningless matches.' Asked about Timothy McVeigh and Pat Kenny, Keane said: 'Don't compare me to dat pair a walkin' bastards, ya langer.'

Irish pop star Ronan Keating admitted today to being 'flabbergasted' at his inclusion in the British and Irish Lions squad to tour Australia this summer. The former Boyzone singer's inclusion at the unprecedented position of 'left outside' has been greeted with shock and anger within the rugby fraternity.

He is one of seven Irish players included on the squad of 37 - the others are Keith Wood, Jeremy Davidson, Ronan O'Gara, Malcolm O'Kelly, Brian O'Driscoll and Rob Henderson. 'I've never played rugby in me life,' smiled the blonde haired crooner. 'But I'm a fast learner, and please God, with me late Ma, the Lord have mercy on her soul, looking down on me, please God, it will go alright for me Down Under, please God'. 'There are 36 others in the squad so I won't be expected to do it all meself, please God,' he continued. 'So it should be easier than Boyzone where all I had was that little gay fella, whatsisname, to back me up.'

Music industry insiders are claiming this to be the biggest coup ever pulled off by Keating's Svengali-like manager Louis Walsh. 'I know a few heads in the business and was able to open the right doors for Ronan,' smiled Walsh, who tried in vain in 1986 to get Johnny Logan playing up front for Ireland alongside Frank Stapleton. 'I know he can't play rugby but that doesn't mean he can't have a successful rugby career. I mean, everyone knows he can't sing. Anyway, none of the other Irish players are that good-looking and he could really raise the profile of the game over here, which can only be a good thing.'

Lions coach Graham Henry denied he had accepted a financial enticement to include Keating on the squad. 'I haven't received a penny from Ronan or Louis', he claimed. 'And as I am now enjoying relations with all four girls from Louis's new band Bellefire, I could do with a few extra quid, for Viagra and johnnies, like…' he laughed. 'But no, ahem, I haven't taken any money.'

Irish international No. 7 David Wallace, who was widely expected to make the sqaud, wished Keating well on the tour to Australia. 'It's typical, isn't it,' said Wallace. 'When I was in school there was this lad who always shifted the girls I want to, and now this. Well good fucking luck to the bastard.'

Keating's former bandmate Mikey Graham has cancelled his prosposed inter-county hurling career with Leitrim, citing exhaustion. 'Ronan's always stealing me thunder,' whined former mechanic Mikey. 'One of these days, I'm gonna fuckin' lose it fella, I'm gonna fuckin' lose it altogether!' he concluded.

The amazing plot of the last episode of Glenroe has been revealed by RTÉ insiders. To mark the year of the series' demise, writers have come up with an homage to the late Stanley Kubrick's sci-fi epic 2001: A Space Odyssey. In true RTÉ style, no expense has been spared on effects and props to give the agri-soap the glitzy send off it deserves.

The show, due to be screened this Sunday night, opens with Blackie Connors beating his cousin Johnny Connors to death with the jaw bone of an ass after a dispute over 'seven pound'. A shot of little birdies flying around Johnny's head quickly cuts away to the Winning Streak wheel turning. Miley has found the wheel sticking up out of his freshly ploughed sugarbeet field, and is shocked when it emits an ear piercing sound (the Paul Cleary-penned theme from Winning Streak.)

In order to find out what this mysterious object is, Miley enlists the help of a strange camp computer called Sylvester 9000, last seen on our screens as the scorekeeper on Murphy's Micro Quiz-M. But Sylvester goes mad and kills Blackie and Teasy and whoever else is left in the show, before Miley runs over the hard drive with the Massey. Miley is now stuck alone in Glenroe, and left with no other option, he dons Aonghus McAnally's pied suit from his Anything Goes days, spins the wheel and goes home. But when he enters his house he is strangely transported to a magical psychedelic world.

But the RTÉ insider revealed that this was not the original ending. 'The ending to the story line was for Miley to exhume Biddy's corpse and reanimate her body using Red Bull and amyl nitrate, but something strange happenend during the shooting. 'Mick Lally entered the kitchen set and really was magically transported elsewhere. It turned out that the old Magic Door from Bosco had been repainted and used as a door in Miley's kitchen way back when Bosco's show was cancelled. We heard this strange music and - whoosh - he was gone.'

Lally was found wandering traumatised in a nearby HB factory.

The European Union’s condemnation of Ireland in the wake of its rejection of the Nice Treaty has led the Teflon Taoiseach to respond in no uncertain terms. Questioned at a Mansion House “do” by TV3’s Lorraine Keane, Bertie Aherne lost the cool and composure that had led to him being voted "Ireland’s Suavest Politician" by viewers of Den AM’s Jeri Maye and Soky Show.

Keane, demonstrating a rare ability to brutalise the English language, asked Aherne if he was feeling a little bit floopy over the electricorate’s decision not to vote Yes for a treaty that, by all accounts, was nice. Getting hot under three collars, Aherne finally lost his famous Northside Dublin cool when Keane followed up by informing Aherne that EU president Romano Prodi had called Ireland ‘the sort of know-nothing, do-nothing, backward country that has less appeal than a six-year old beef mountain.’

Spitting profiterole all over Keane’s little black number, Aherne stated that ‘the EU can, eh, fuck off with itself.’ The Taoiseach added, ‘I’ve had enough feckin shite with those Prodi’s up north, now I have to listen to shite from some Prodi bastard in the EU.’ This emotive outburst from Aherne was ended when Celia, also wearing a little black number, looked Keane up and down before leading her partner to the all-you-can-eat buffet.

In an effort to shed some light on the Mansion House affair, The Daily Junta asked Foreign Minister Brian Cowen if ‘Fuck Off Europe’ was now official government policy. Cowen denied all knowledge of the affair, but he did say ‘Jaysus, that doesn’t sound too good for the auld junkets to Brussels.’ In an uncharacteristic second attempt to get to the bottom of this Bertie bombshell, we rang the Taoiseach’s office to ask for clarification on Aherne’s comments. We were promptly told to ‘fuck off.’

New South Wales Waratahs player Duncan McRae has revealed the reason behind his 'unprovoked' attack on Irish outhalf Ronan O'Gara during Saturday's ill-tempered British and Irish Lions warm-up match. 'With his Irish accent and youthful good looks I mistook him for a member of Westlife, which in my account is a punishable offence,' said the fullback, who landed at least 11 blows on the face of O'Gara, who required eight stiches and 'a good rub of a magic sponge'.

'I read stories in the media about Kian gettin' bashed up in Sligo and Bryan being hounded out of his Wicklow home by a gang of yobs....I just did what I thought was expected of me by humanity in general,' he shrugged. 'I took it as given that any of Westlife were fair game and I responded accordingly. It was an innocent case of mistaken identity,' said McRae. 'I'm being made out like the bad guy here, whereas if it had been any of those goofy twats out of Westlife i'd pummelled, I'd be an international hero! And I would have gotten away with it if pretty-boy hadn't dobbed me in.'

'I look nothing like any of Westlife,' fumed O'Gara in reply. 'If anything, I'm more like Ronan Keating, like. A bird in Sir Henry's once told me I look like a young Robert Mitchum. So I don't know what that antipodean langer is on about, like.' 'I've never worn a sleeve-less ponce top or a spangley cumerbund in me life, like, so I don't know how he can compare me to those five langers,' he continued. 'To be honest, that comparison is more hurtful than any of the ten punches he landed on my gob.'

A visibly angry O'Gara concluded with a comparison of his own: 'He reminded me of an Australian popstar - Michael Hutchence, like. He'll always be remembered for acting like a wanker.' McRae received a seven week ban from all rugby for the incident which he said he will devote to 'making Westlife pay for their part in the affair'.

Animals have emerged as the latest victims of 'The War on Terror' as the US Government announced a list of beastly names and practices deemed 'unpatriotic' in the wake of the September 11 attacks.

Certain creatures will have to adopt fresh monikers to avoid offending the bereaved by reminding them of their loved-ones' firey deaths.

For example, (New) YORKshire terriers (terror) will now be called Patriot Fluffbundles; WARthogs will now be called Lovely piggys; ScARAB beetles will now be called We're Number One beetles; Killer Whales will now be called Helpful Whales; Afghan hounds will from now on be referred to as Legitimate Target hounds; Death's Head Moths will now be known by the all-together cheerier title Moth-er Loves You.

Some animals will have to curtail practices which could offend Americans in the current climate. All goats will have to cut their beards off to avoid resemblance to Muslim Fundamentalists; gruffness on the part of billy goats will also be frowned upon; birds found flying towards buildings at the precise angles that the passenger planes hit the World Trade Centre will be shot from the sky by patrolling AV-8b Harrier jump jets; giraffes who happen to be standing side by side with another giraffe will be ushered apart due to their sick and tasteless resemblance to the Twin Towers.

Among the most radically affected are camels currently in US zoos - the White House considers them 'untrustworthy' and fears some may be planning suicide attacks. As of Monday, all camels will be culled for meat and dropped on starving Afghan refugees. 'Camel is very tasty,' said Defence Secretary Colin Powell. 'Especially the hump. Them towel heads will eat it up.'

The GAA has announced another shocking proposal that is set to rock Dublin. The Jones's Road top brass have decided to split the capital into not two, but THREE teams - Dublin North, Dublin South and CHINA!

'After further consideration, we feel there is a need for a third team in Dublin,' said GAA President Sean McCague. 'The Chinese community in Ireland has now swelled to an enormous 35,000. The population of Leitrim is 36,000 and they have their own team. So why shouldn't the Chinese?,' he asked. 'In light of recent racist attacks against the Chinese in Dublin, we feel it would be much healthier for everyone if the racist attacks took place on the football or hurling field, instead of outside a pub or a chip shop. Or a Chinese.'

Opposition to the move has been heightened on the city's north side by news that Jason Sherlock will be asked to captain the Asian side, which will be known as The People's Republic of China Gaels. 'It's bad enuff these fellas comin over here, takin' our jobs, takin' our wimmin, takin' our chicken curry and chips, but takin' bleedin' Jayo is goin' too far,' said an irate Vinny Murphy of Ballymun Kickhams, between mouthfuls of cake. 'He's not even a bleedin' Chink anyways,' continued Murphy, 'he's a Thai ladyboy or a Filipino Sex Tourist or something... he's a bleedin' sap!'

The southsiders were equally opposed to the controversial third team. 'I mean, we'll have a hard enough time beating the Antos and the Skangers, roish?,' said a spokesman from Ballyboden St. Enda's. 'But having to play against these impoverished little bastards as well? I mean, cop on!' 'And what about after a match? We'll be on the piss in Club Sarah or The Barge and they'll be collecting our empties! It's just not on!' The one player on the Dublin squad who welcomed the proposed move was Jason Sherlock. 'Bugan dang! Tse Tse! How bung!,' he exclaimed. 'Y ping pijo! Tsing Tao!'

The president of the Dublin Chinese Association, Mr. Park Ooh Kro Kihk, declined to comment (or didn't understand the question). However, we did receive a Spicy Duck with Egg Fried Rice to the Junta office soon after. Thanks lads!

In the aftermath of revelations concerning Prince Harry's underage drinking and cannabis use, concerns are mounting among Royal watchers that the young prince, third in line to the throne, may be a normal teenager. A survey carried out by this reporter on his little brother and some kids in the park revealed that almost all teenage boys may dabble in drink and soft drugs while under age. The shocking conclusion is that Harry, despite years of private schooling and a bizarre family background, may have turned out much like any other young adult.

The concern for the Royal family is obvious. If Harry is drinking and spliffing up it seems almost inevitable that he is also masturbating regularly, possibly to pictures of scantilly clad pop-princess Kylie, (pictured left in her underwear). One seasoned observer of the Windsors commented yesterday, ' I may be a jaded old queen, sidelined into Royal reporting by my lack of talent and ethics, but I'm convinced that Prince Harry is whacking off as we speak, almost certainly to a tabloid picture of Carol Vorderman accidentally slipping out of her top at a major awards ceremony.'

Prince Harry is known to have been piqued by Britney Spears' revelation that she has a crush on his brother William. ' I'm third in line to the throne but not even a ugly slapper like that girl from Atomic Kitten has said she'd shag me' he probably whined to a close friend 'despite the obvious publicity boost' One veteran royal watcher concluded ' At least he hasn't turned into a horse-faced, whiny bitch like his mother.'

The rain that fell in torrents on Sunday last, didn't stop the stalwarts of Croke Park's Nally Stand from togging out for the second instalment of Ireland versus Australia. My brother and I have attended every game at HQ, since the Tailtann games of 1930, when we sat in the Nally with our granddad, the late Alo Brady, and watched the Buenos Aries hurling club play an Irish selection. So it was quite significant that our last ever trip to the Nally Stand should come on the day that the men from the Astrail came face to face with "The Pony" and his men in green, white and gold.

That Nally is being ripped down you see, and for my brother and I, the thoughts of sitting in the new stands of Croke Park makes us both quite ill.

The brotherhood of the Nally congregates on Jones' Road at noon on match day, each man equipped with a bottle of Club orange, a ham and cheese sandwich and a packet of Silvermints. Those among us with false teeth bring Milky Moo's instead of the Silvermints. Choc-ices are only permitted on warm days. Women are not permitted in the Nally. No umbrella's!!

Most men usually respect the strict dress code. apart from shoes, socks trousers and cap, a man must wear a vest, under shirt, shirt, tie, waste coat, jumper, jacket, house coat and overcoat.

God has been good enough to take the hearing from most good Nally men, so we hardly hear the bus loads of kids, who join us in the Nally, as they chant "D.J.!! D.J.!!..." during hurling games. Our eyes are still sharp, we see every blade of grass, every off the ball schamozzle and have to ability to spot a young lad with natural talent.

Funnily enough, the majority of important events of my life took place when I was in the Nally. It was from the Nally that I saw Darby sink the Kingdom, much to my delight. It was from the Nally that I saw Christy Ring terrorise the nation. It was from the Nally that I saw Cassius Clay defend his world title.

It was in the nally that I had the only romantic encounter of my life, in 1947. I had turned up as usual only to find the All-Ireland final was being played in the Polo Grounds. My brother knew that Cavan and Kerry had made the trip to the states, but he kept this information from me. He was trying to out-do a prank I'd played on him several years before. As I sat alone in the Nally cursing my luck, a young lady approached and told me that i had a lovely coat!! I knew that loose women like her were best avoided, but so worked up was I for having mistakenly attended HQ that day, that I asked her back to Barry's hotel!! My brother is jealous to this day, him never being fortunate enough to court a girl.

I could reminisce all day and night about the Nally stand. When it is finally torn down, a glorious era in Irish sporting history will end. As i left headquarters on Sunday, having witnessed Ireland losing to the Australians, my heart was heavy and my eyes filled with tears. Nothing remains for me to say on the subject of the Nally but "slan a cara."

Hitler was Gay. 14/05/1999

Historians around the world have been rattled by the controversial new book by Adam Cainabel which suggests that Adolf Hitler was in fact a Homosexual. The book, entitled “Lyin Camp”, claims that Jews were used by Nazi Doctors to try and successfully complete the worlds first sex change. He suggests that hundreds of attempts were made to perform this operation and on June 12th 1944 they were successful. The outcome was that Hitler did not retire to his Berlin bunker or commit suicide but in fact murdered his long time confidant, Eva Braun dumping her and a lookalike's body in the bunker and assuming her identity. Thus living out his life long dream of being a woman and escaping the wrath of the Allies.

Woodward and Bernstein


New Gene Discovered. 16/05/1999

A Scientist in America has discovered a new gene which has seemingly evolved within humans within the last 50 years. The gene which has been named the “whabus” gene was accidentally discovered by Dr. Joseph Maching whilst trying to find his car keys. The new gene works on the same principal as the female drug “nocrampsagin” which is released into women after labour to help them forget the pain of childbirth. This gene sends signals to the brain once a commuter has got on a bus, telling the brain to forget about the last 10 minutes of hell waiting at that bus stop. Scientists have claimed that this is a triumph for human evolution and public transport.

Woodward, Bernstein and James.


Boyzone in Court 3/06/1999

Ronan Keating and Louis Walsh are to appear in court today over accusations that Mr. Keating unlawfully took credit for the writing of most of Boyzone’s songs. A Mr. Thomas Driscoll, who used to baby-sit Ronan in his youth, has stated that a majority of the bands songs, including the hits "You Needed Me" and "Picture of You", were in fact written by his pet gerbil, Kevin. Mr. Driscoll claims that Ronan would overhear the rodent humming away whilst playing with some crayons. The humming and the messy scribbles, according to Mr. Driscoll, were the tunes and words to future Boyzone hits which Ronan had stolen and made his own. It is expected that once Barrister Norman Bates plays both albums by the Boy Band to the jury, Messrs. Keating and Walsh will go for an out of court settlement.

Woodward and Bernstein


Tehran Students use new Tactics 14/07/1999

A break-away faction has emerged within the ranks of the student protesters in Tehran today. The faction, known as The Society against Corrupt University Moguls or SCUM, has decided that violence is not the answer. They have decided to protest by using special tactics one student observed whilst on a trip to U.C.D. in Ireland. These tactics involve not washing themselves or their clothes, selling their text books to buy more beer, stealing traffic cones from the streets and, worst of all, changing their diet to contain nothing more than Guinness and Pot Noodles. The Iranian government are said to be extremely alarmed and are determined to stamp this faction out before this kind of behaviour becomes a stereotype for the typical Iranian student.

Woodward and Bernstein.