Nightmare or Reality?
The woman's thin lips curled into a slight smile as she watched him sleep, so young, so innocent. Yet the boy had seen more than many who had lived a lifetime. So much hate.. so much violence.. so little love. She sighed again, fighting back the stinging tears forming in her eyes. She had cried enough. "Goodnight, Gohan.."She whispered softly, her voice cracking. The sleeping child stirred only a bit, snuggling his head against his pillow.
With that she turned away, her legs feeling shakey as she closed the door to his room and walked down the hall. She was still young, yet she felt as if she might fall over dead at any moment. Her heart ached with sorrow that many could not imagine, and day after day she was forced to face it alone. Alone..
She could feel the tears forming again, but fought them back as she made her way to the living room. She sat down on the couch, letting her sore back lean against it. She couldn't bear going into that empty bedroom again.. no matter how tired she was. Another deep sigh escaped from her mouth as she struggled to remember the last time she had slept. Or ate, for that matter.
What kind of life am I living.. ChiChi thought as she allowed her eyes to slowly close. She drifted into a feverish sleep, even her dreams were plagued by pain and anguish. She tossed and turned on the couch, beads of cold sweat covering her body. She could see him in her dream.. She was walking.. walking in a large, smoke-filled area. She choked and coughed as she looked around, calling out for help. "Where am I?" she shouted. "Someone, please.."
Then she saw him. He was standing way ahead of her, but she could recognize that sheepish grin anywhere. "Gokou.."She gasped, as she began to run forward. He only stood there, smiling that careless smile of his, ignoring her shock and oblivious to her pain. He raised his hand and waved to her, flashing a peace sign as he turned and began to walk off.
"Wait.. Please!!"She cried, running faster. She gasped for breath, chasing after him as quickly as she could. Her muscles ached, her heart pounded, yet she continued to run. But no matter how fast she went, she couldn't seem to get closer to him. "Please stop!!"She screamed, tears streaming down her face. "Please come back to me!" She heard him chuckle as if he didn't have a care in the world, the sound hitting her ears like a knife through her heart. She still did not give up, she pumped her legs faster, desparate to catch him.
Finally, she seemed to be making progress. He had stopped walking and was now standing motionless. She ran up to him, her entire body weak and shaking as she threw her arms around him from behind, holding onto him as she sobbed against his back. She pulled back after she got no response, blinking repeatedly as she walked around him to see his face. She looked up into his eyes, only to be met with a cold hard stare. She took a step back, feeling the tiny bit that was left of her heart beginning to break.
His face remained emotionless as he raised two fingers to his forehead, preparing to teleport. She dived for him again, crying out for him to stay. Her body collided with some sort of invisible wall, sending a wave of pain throughout her body. She struggled to her feet and tried to move forward again, only to be blocked by the wall. Gokou slowly smiled again, causing her to cry harder. She raised both fists and began to pound on the wall with all her might, succeeding in nothing more than causing a throbbing pain in her hands.
Why wasn't he helping her?! "Gokou, please help me!" She pleaded to him, but received no response. I have to get to him!!! She thought, knowing this might be her last chance. She kicked and punched at the wall desperately, but whatever was holding her back wouldn't budge.
"Relax ChiChi."Called a cheerful voice from behind her. She whirled around to see her father, his expression as happy and care free as Gokou's. "Help me!"She called to him, and resumed her pounding. Her father chuckled a bit and walked past her, stepping through the invisible barrier without the slightest of troubles. She gasped and called to him again, her voice sounding hoarse. "Help me get through! Dad, Gokou, please!!"
Her dad chuckled again. "Take it easy, ChiChi. Gokou knows what he's doing, no need to get upset."
"What he's doing is leaving me out here!!!!"She exclaimed, her anger beginning to show. "PLEASE, help me get through!"
Her dad looked at her in a disaproving tone. "You're out there because you need to be." He said coldly. "Not everything Gokou does has to involve you."
She fought back the rage she'd been witholding for years, but her face flushed to a crimson shade as her yelling grew louder. "NOTHING he does involves me! He's either dead or training or just too hungry to notice I'm alive!!"
"You're just being selfish." Her dad said, crossing his arms as he turend away from her and walked over to Gokou. He put a hand on his shoulder as he looked at her again. "You can't expect to have him all to yourself"
"That's not what I meant.."She replied, too exhausted to be angry. "He was my husband, it just would have been nice to be with him sometimes... like things were so long ago.."
ChiChi's father rolled his eyes, dismissing the sorrow in her voice. With that she gave up and sank to her knees, unable to control the mournful sobs that poured from her body. She shook and trembled as tear after tear spilled from her eyes, clouding her vision. She lfited her head as she heard more footsteps, whimpering as she saw the swarm of people approcaching. Yamucha, Tenshinhan, Piccolo, Bulma, Vegeta, and others were the faces she recognized among the sea of strangers. They all laughed and talked amongst one another, paying no attention to her as they walked through the invisible wall over to Gokou.
He greeted them quite differently than he had her, smiling and waving. They all talked, their voices mixing together to create a confusing murmur. ChiChi could only stare and sniffle as she watched the scene. She heard another person behind her and tentively turned around. She gasped and wiped the tears from her eyes as she realized this newcomer was Gohan. She called his name and reached out for him, surely her son would not tun her away. His only response was to scoff and glare at her before he joined his father. Gokou smiled more and greeted his son with a hug. And with that the entire group of happy, giggling idiots teleported away.
It took a minute for the shock to wear off, for all the hurt and rejection to register. ChiChi let out an anguished cry that echoed throughout the vast, empty room. Her booming voice hurt even her own ears, but the pain she felt inside was far greater. Never had she felt so abandoned, so truly alone. Turned away by her own child for his careless father.. She had always cooked for him, taken care of him, eased his pain.. his father had done nothing but goof off and endanger his life. She had been forced to handle the discipline, but it was all out of love. Couldn't he see that..
None of them cared.. Not Gokou, not her friends, not her father. She was alone.. so truly alone..
People seemed amazed at how well she was taking taking all of this. If only they knew.. She had a son to care for, a family to support. She had to stay strong, or at least fool everyone with her act. She greeted Gohan with pretend happiness as he came down to eat, then dismissed him to play with a reminder to study. He happily agreed and headed off to deal with his own pain, unknowing of his mother's. Perhaps if they had talked they could have helped each other, but both felt they had to stay strong for the other, neither could admit how affected they were by the loss.
ChiChi began to wash the dishes, forcing her tired and aching body to continue to perform. The sound of Gohan's laughter filled her ears, so she walked to the window. Shielding her dark eyes from the blinding sun, she watched him smile and run off towards the woods. She smiled a bit in spite of herself, but also felt a twinge of envy. Gohan could run off and play, escape into the wilderness and experience a freedom she hadn't felt in years. She longed to push everything aside and run off into the sunest. But she couldn't.. She, unlike Gokou, had responsibilities.. She would never fail Gohan the way he did, she vowed it.
She continued washing up, doing her best not to think. Thinking only brought more memories, more tears, more pain. She placed the last dish back in the cabinet and and started sweeping around the house, trying to keep busy. A knock at the door caught her attention, and she hurried to answer. She was greeted by her smiling father, who welcomed himself in, his shoes leaving dirty footprints over the area she had just cleaned. She narrowed her eyes slightly, but was in some ways grateful for the extra work. She shut the door that he had carelessly left open, growling with frustration. He paid her no mind and sat down in a chair, making himself comfortable.
"You're awfully quiet, ChiChi." He stated after a moment of akward silence.
She shrugged and mumbled. "I've got a lot on my mind."
He nodded and continued grinning. She forced a small smile back and took a seat on the couch diagonal from him.
"You missed breakfast..."She said quietly, trying to act as talkative as she normally would.
"You eat everything up again?" Her father teased, laughing to himself. She glared at him coldy, stopping his laughter. "er.. I had something in town earlier."He stuttered, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Oh, that's good."She replied after a moment, unable to keep the sadness from her voice. He smiled brightly, not catching on to her change in behavior.
"I saw an old friend of mine today." He said in his cheerful voice. "He was asking about you, his son's looking for a wife. Said you were the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen." She tilted her head to the side, blinking with confusion. She couldn't remember anyone ever saying she was beautiful before.. Her father laughed again, as if enjoying some private joke. "Don't worry, hon. I set him straight!" He exclaimed. "I told him you were the wife of Gokou, Earth's hero! You wouldn't be interested in some common guy! Boy was he disappointed!"
ChiChi felt her cheeks flush red with anger as she balled her hands up into fists. She had no interest in that man, but her father's comments infuriated her. How dare he! "You know.. Dad.."She muttered through clenched teeth. "Technically I am NOT married! Gokou is dead! Dead! He could have came back to me, but he didn't WANT to! He left me here to be alone, he is not my husband!"
Her father could only stare at her in disbelief. ChiChi sighed deeply, relaxing again. She had been thinking those words for a while now, but had never said them. Now she had acknowledged it, both to her father and herself. Gokou was no longer hers.. "Don't even talk lik that.."He ordered,. "Gokou will always be your husband, he's with us in our hearts. Don't act so selfish.."
Selfish.. there was that word again. In her dreams and now in reality, they called her selfish. Was it selfish to want to feel loved? To not face life alone? Was she selfish because she was fed up living a lie? Selfish because she had invested so much of her life and her heart in a man who always let her down? Selfish because she had given up everything to raise her family who appreciated nothing she did?
Was it so wrong to want someone to hold on to? Someone to show her affection, someone who cared?! Gokou had given her nothing but heartache after heartache. He couldn't have cared for her. He was always leaving her, and even when he was there she was nothing more than someone to provide him with food and an occassional release of his raging hormones. Even then he was too rough, too quick, it was all about his needs. A mother in the prime of her life and she had never felt the pleasure of making love to her husband. The only happiness Gokou had ever given her was Gohan, her precious son. And he seemed bent on trying to take him away from her too, always making him leave to train and fight. She was a "bitch" for trying to protect him from a world of hate and violence, a "bitch" for trying to show him there was an alternative life to bloodshed.
No one understood the pain she felft, no one tried to either. They all took Gokou's side, they were more married to him than she was. He was in love with the thrill of battle, not her. Her father defended him, expected her to live her life completely dedicated to him, whether he was living or not. He never thought that there might be someone else out there to actually care for her, to make her happy. Someone to be an actual father to Gohan. But no, she was to be the self-sacrificing little wife who spends her days praying for the day that he might return. Even then she knew it would not be her he was coming back to, but to battle. Fighting.. that evil mistress that she could never get rid no matter how hard she tried.
Yet for some reason, she loved the bastard. There was such a kindness in his smile, and in his heart. He was purer than anyone she had ever known, but nothing could make up for how he had treated her. Each day she found herself loving him less and less.. The feeling was fading fast, it was time for her to move on.
She blinked a few times, leaving her thoughts behind for reality. "Yes.. you're right dad." She replied finally. "I'm only thinking of myself. Excuse me.."
With that she stood and walked to the bathroom, leaving her father speechless. He had never expected her to agree, even he felt his comments were too bold. Gokou had never been much a husband, he had to admit that. But he loved Gohan, and ChiChi too or he wouldn't have done the things he did. ChiChi's father sighed to himself, deciding he should apologize. His daughter was far from selfish.
ChiChi flipped on the lights and looked in the mirror, shocked by her own appearance. She had lost a lot of weight, her once tight dress was now clinging to her body loosely. Her face was pale from staying inside, her wrinkles were looking worse. Dark circles from her lack of sleep surrounded her eyes. She was a mess. I've got to get it together..she thought, but knew she couldn't. Not here, not like this. Not living in the house they had shared but was somehow always empty. Not with the boy who reminded her so much of him. Not with the people who were too blind to see how much she was hurting.
She went to her room and gathered up all her money, every penny she had been saving except for Gohan's college fund. She took nothng else, her belongings were only ghostly reminders of the life she was living. She hurried back to the living room, receiving an odd look from her dad.
"Take care of Gohan for a little while.. I have some things to do that can't wait any longer."She called, her voice sounding strong for the first time in weeks.
"But.." he started to protest, but she was already out the door. Laughing to herself she stepped out into the sun, feeling the cool wind blow against her face. Feeling..alive. She hopped into her car and took off, driving as fast as she could. I love you, Gohan..She thought sadly. But I have to do this.. I'll be home soon.. And with that she pushed the thoughts of her son from her mind and drove on. She reached back to let her hair fall down, its raven waves cascading over her shoulders. She smiled as the wind blew it back, finally feeling relaxed. Selfish? Perhaps, but after a liftime of self-sacrifice she deserved it..
Comments? Suggestions? Tell me! You guys tell me if I should start on chapter 2 or forget the whole idea, it's your decision.
