Part 368

Nick managed to avoid being found for the next forty-five minutes. For the first twenty or so, he sat up in one of the VIP boxes, his mind reeling, watching the crew set up for the show. The band was in their places and it was time for sound checks. They'd just have to do it without him tonight. Hell, he wasn't even sure he'd be able to step on the stage at all tonight. How the hell did they expect him to perform? He thought he had it all under control; he thought his life was finally on track. And then this. He sucked. He really did suck.

He watched disinterestedly as AJ went first. Always the showman, AJ didn't disappoint. He did his typical goofing and singing, just enough for them to capture the right sound levels, just enough to piss off Kevin. Kevin. Where was he, anyway? Old stick-up-his-ass was usually right down front barking orders, but not this time. But wait, there was Brian, with Becca. He watched, with more interest now, as Brian seemed to talk soothingly to her, his hands on her shoulders. Brian was a good friend. His wife was obviously upset, and thank God Brian was there to fill in for him because right now he just couldn't do it.

He wiped away a tear and continued to watch as Brian hugged her, patting her back and whispering something in her ear. A movement caught his eye, and he cringed. Kevin had come in, and walked over to where Brian and Becca were standing. He couldn't hear what was being said, but it was quite obvious that Becca was having none of it. Good for her.

Damn, this wasn't helping him at all. If anything it was making things worse. As Becca walked away and Brian took the stage for his sound check, Nick slipped away once more.

Sarah and Howie finally made their way into the arena and sat in about the tenth row back, cognizant of the curious looks of the crew. Most were unaware of what exactly had happened, other than the fact that they were now in the market for yet another new tech man. Sarah took advantage of the momentary quiet to pull out her cell phone and place a call to Tyler, her counselor back in Florida.

Like AJ before him, Brian tried to lighten things up as well. He spotted Sarah and Howie as they came in and proceeded to clown around in his usual fashion. Sarah spotted him and waved, but was too engrossed in her phone call to pay too much attention. Brian went back to singing, nodding his head at Howie, who wasn't six inches away from Sarah, his arm around her shoulders.

The sounds of his band mates filled the halls and by the time it was Kevin's turn to warm up, Nick found himself at the side door to the underworld, down beneath the stage. It was always a bit surreal being down here, especially when you were alone. He could hear the movement up above, the footsteps of the crew, and Kevin's voice as he sang, but it was still just damned creepy. The shadows were eerie, but he didn't dare turn on a light lest he be found, and he still wasn't ready for that. As Kevin sang and talked to the sound technicians, Nick leaned against the pre-fab wall and slid to the floor, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. He tried so hard to let the music take him away from everything, but damnit, it just wasn't working. Not this time.

Kevin finished his sound check and Nick breathed deeply as he heard the sounds from up above. He had no way of knowing that Howie and Sarah were out there, so he just assumed they'd be looking for him next. He knew he needed to just get it over with rather than giving Kevin more of a reason to cause a scene, so he stood awkwardly in the dark and stumbled toward the exit and the ladder leading up onto the stage. He almost made it, until his shoe caught on something, tripping him up and sending him careening into the wall.

"Shit!"

"What was that?" asked Fiona. She and Lisa were backstage looking for Becca when they heard the ominous sound from down below. Lisa had Garrett on her shoulder and Fiona held his empty carrier, so she set it down.

"I have no clue," Lisa said. "There shouldn't be anyone down there till later."

"Well, you hang on to Garrett, I'll go check it out."

"Fi, wait."

"What?"

"You shouldn't be down there alone, especially after what happened to Sarah."

"Don't be silly, Lisa. David is long gone. I'm going down there."

"Fi!" Lisa called, but she was already on her way down the ladder.

"Hello?" she called out into the darkness. "Damn it's dark, where the hell is the light switch?"

The tiny room was suddenly bathed in light as Nick picked himself up off the floor where he'd fallen in an unceremonious heap.

"Crap," he mumbled, untangling something from around his foot.

"Nick, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I guess. I tripped over this," he said, holding up the offending object for Fiona's inspection. "What the hell is it? It looks like-"

"Oh god." Fiona put her hand to her mouth. "It's-"

"Why the hell would someone leave a pair of jeans on the floor? We coulda tripped during the show and-" he saw the look on Fiona's face and stopped cold as he waved the fabric in the air to make a point. "What?"

"Those are- were – Sarah's blue jeans. David ripped them when he …"

Nick turned a horrible shade of green. "You mean he- it happened -- Shit, Fiona, it happened down HERE?"

"Yes," she whispered. "I found her right about where you're standing now."

Nick's stomach rolled, and he dropped the bundle of denim and ran, making it to the underworld toilet with only a second or two to spare before becoming violently ill. The whole damned scenario was made worse by the fact that Fiona was witness to it all.

Could this day possibly get worse? Blindly he reached for a paper towel, but Fiona was right there, pressing a stack of them into his hand. He washed out his mouth and mumbled an embarrassed apology.

"Nick, I'm so sorry. Are you all right now?"

He looked up and saw the genuine concern on her face and began to mentally take back some of the things he'd thought about her over the past several days. "Yeah, I think so. Umm … thanks, Fi." He looked away, blushing.

"Sure. Look, I'm … I'm gonna go back up." She paused. "Nick? I won't say anything about this, okay?"

Nick turned to look at her. "Thanks, but do me another favor."

"Anything, Nick."

Looking at the torn up fabric she still clutched to her body he said, "Get rid of that. I don't ever want to see it again and I don't want to chance Sarah or Howie finding it, either."

"Right away, Nick." She looked around, and finding a plastic garbage bag, stuffed Sarah's jeans inside and tied the bag closed. Watching him for just a moment longer to make sure he really was all right, she silently climbed back up to rejoin Lisa.

"Nick?" The sound technician's voice rang out into the nearly empty arena. "Carter! Let's do this!"

Nick stepped up and out onto the stage, feeling more uncomfortable onstage than he ever had before.

"Grab your mike, Nick, let's get this done." He plopped his headset back on and motioned to the band that he was ready for them to start.

Nick stood perfectly still, no sound coming from his throat, a cold sweat breaking out on his face.

"Nick?" Kevin stood by the front edge of the stage. He frowned at Nick, mostly from concern, but Nick didn’t understand and of course took it the wrong way.

"Yeah Kev, I'm on it, okay? Don't get your shorts in a twist." Turning abruptly away, he ran his hand over his face and through his hair as he thought about his warm-up number.

Sarah was still on the phone with Tyler, and even as she talked, she and Howie watched with interest the scene taking place on the stage. They watched as Nick talked to the band, shaking his head 'no' with each musical suggestion they made. He paced back and forth, and as he turned he spotted Sarah watching him. He shuddered visibly, but then suddenly the choice was clear.

"What?" Sarah said distractedly. "Oh, sorry, Tyler. Look, I need to go. Yes, I'll call you in a couple of days. I'm really all right." She listened for a moment before handing the phone to Howie. "D, she wants to talk to you, too."

"Hey, Tyler…"

As Howie began to talk to her counselor, Sarah sat up straighter, watching Nick. It was clear that he wasn't himself and when he began to sing she choked back a sob. His voice was scratchy, and it was quite obvious to everyone watching and listening that he was fighting some sort of inner demon.

"Oh dear God…" Sarah sighed, her fingers tightening on Howie's thigh.

I'll never find another girl like you, for happy endings it takes two
we're fire and ice, the dream won't come true

Sara, Sara, storms are brewin' in your eyes
Sara, Sara, no time is a good time for goodbyes

Becca watched the scene play out from the back of the arena. She'd all but given up looking for Nick when she heard his voice through the open door. Standing in the back, watching him, she could easily take in the entire scenario.

From one of the side doors, Lisa, Fiona and Garrett stood watching as well. Lisa rocked the baby to the rhythm of the song, but Fiona stood transfixed. From all that had happened, she now had a very clear picture of exactly what was going on in Nick's head. Silent tears fell as she watched his pain.

Nick focused on Sarah as he sang, his own tears spilling over. He loved her and there would never be a way to make up for the pain his thoughtlessness had caused her. It seemed like he'd known her forever.

('cause Sara) loved me, like no one ever loved me before
(and Sara) hurt me, no one could ever hurt me more
(and Sara) Sara
(and Sara) nobody loved me anymore

Sarah's heart ached as she watched him cry. She knew exactly what he was thinking, but to rush up on stage and cause even more of a scene wouldn't do him any good right now.

She had to watch his pain and pray that once everything was explained at the meeting that he could let go of the tremendous guilt she knew he was feeling.

AJ and Brian were watching from the wings. Brian watched Nick wipe his nose between verses, and only AJ's hand on his wrist stopped him from going out to his friend. Aside from Sarah, AJ was possibly the only one of them that knew exactly what Nick was going through right now, and he knew from his own experience that Nick needed to work through it by himself.

Part 369        Index(4)