Part 232
Kevin and Brian arrived about an hour and a half after Nick and they went straight to Howie’s room. They had heard the reports of Sarah presumably being on the flight with Danny and wanted to know if Howie had heard anything. Howie had been asleep but their banging on the door woke him and AJ let them in. AJ told them what Howie knew along with the fact that he’d called Chelsea about Jesse as Howie went to get a shower.
"How’s he holding up?" asked Brian.
"I’m not sure. He’s cried some and he got some sleep. I heard him mumbling her name in his sleep but that’s about it."
"This can’t be happening," said Kevin in shock. "Not now, not after all they’ve been through."
"If it’s true, what do you think Howie will do?" asked Brian.
AJ and Kevin shook their heads and Kevin said, "You saw how he reacted when they broke up. Well, it’s gonna be a hundred times worse."
Downstairs, cars were waiting to take everyone to the arena for dinner and the meeting with management. Before going to dinner, the entire Backstreet group, roadies, drivers, security, dancers, band, and the guys, were brought together in the front rows of the arena. Management was there in force and there was a solemn mood that settled over the gathering.
Jeff stepped forward to talk to the group. "I’m sure by now you have all heard the reports about the tragedy that has taken place back home. Unfortunately, it’s hit us close too. Some of you may already know that Danny Lee was headed home for the birth of his second child and Sarah and Raoul were with him on that flight. Their flight was the one that hit the first tower. We have been in contact with the airlines and they have confirmed that all three were on the flight."
A collective gasp of horror was heard from the group and sobs could be heard. Howie felt like he was going to be sick as a million thoughts raced through his head. Kevin reached over and put his hand on Howie’s shoulder for support.
Nick asked, "Are we canceling the shows?"
Jeff shook his head, "No."
That seemed to shock everyone even more and Mook spook up, "Why the hell not? You expect the guys to go out in front of 70,000 people and perform as if NOTHING happened? You are fuckin’ unbelievable."
Howie stood up, a haunted look in his eyes, and said, "Sarah isn’t dead. There’s no way and I refuse to believe it."
"D, what’s it going to take to convince you?" asked AJ. "They’ve had confirmation she was on the flight."
Angrily, Howie glared at him. "SHE IS NOT DEAD! She can’t be! She’s pregnant with twins! I had a dream about her and I held our babies. She is NOT dead!"
Howie’s statement, ‘She’s pregnant with twins’, rocked everyone, well, everyone except his bandmates. The crew and management all knew about the miscarriage the previous year and they knew how much the couple wanted children.
In an attempt to comfort Howie, Lisa got up and went to him, putting her arms around him. Howie wanted nothing to do with it and shoved her away from him before walking briskly away from everyone. They all looked at one another wondering what to do next.
Brian spoke softly, "I’ll go check on him."
Mook spoke up, "You still expect them to perform?’
Kevin had been listening quietly, gathering his thoughts and now said, "Look, Sarah loved seeing us perform and she knew how important the fans were to us. I feel like she’d want us to go ahead with the shows. Who knows? It may help Howie deal with it."
Jeff said, "We will understand if Howie doesn’t go on and he’ll be allowed to go home for the service but we can’t afford to cancel any more shows."
"What about the rest of us?" asked AJ. "We all loved Sarah and are grieving too."
"Maybe the service will be scheduled on a day off. There are some breaks in the schedule."
"You know…that’s pretty fucking heartless," said Mook.
"It’s not about having heart. It’s about business and the boys are in the business of making money. They either perform or lose money, in which case, YOU don’t get paid."
Mook snarled, "In this case, I’d just as soon not get paid."
Kevin said, "Look, Jeff, we understand that we’ve had eight weeks off and it isn’t feasible to cancel, but if Howie chooses not to go on, we will stand behind him and not go on either out of respect for him. We’ll take the hit in the wallet if need be. Sarah meant the world to ALL of us and we’re grieving too. It’s Howie’s decision as to whether or not we perform tomorrow night. Sarah and Howie are more important to us than the almighty dollar and I personally am not going to put money before Howie’s loss."
With that, the rest of the group echoed their agreement with Kevin. Jeff and the rest of management shook their heads. "It’s your call but you’ve gotta ask yourself, will the fans continue backing us if we cancel yet another show."
"Fuck you, Jeff," snarled AJ. "The fans know Sarah and love her as much as they love us! You know DAMN well they’ll stand behind us if we cancel."
Kevin led the group to dinner where they found Howie and Brian sitting in a corner. Howie’s eyes were red from where he’d been crying but when he saw the others, he wiped his eyes and got up. He and Brian joined Kevin, AJ, and Nick as they stood away from the others.
Kevin put his hand on Howie’s shoulder. "Look, ‘D’, it’s your call. If you don’t want to do tomorrow’s show, we’ll cancel."
Howie looked at his friends gratefully and said, "No, Sarah would want me to go on with the show and not disappoint the fans. I’ll get through it somehow."
"Are you sure?" asked AJ.
Howie shook his head in disbelief. "Honestly, no. I’m not sure about
anything any more. All I am sure about is, if Sarah really was on that plane, my
reason for going on is gone!" he said softly as tears fell down his cheeks.
Nick embraced Howie, "You had faith all those months you two were having problems, you had faith when Sarah was purging, and you had faith that Becca would come back to me. You’ve gotta have faith this time, D! She’s GONNA come back to you!"
Howie cried softly, "My faith has been tested too many times, Nick."
Brian rubbed Howie’s back asking, "You wanna go back to the hotel and eat there?"
Howie pulled away from Nick and looked at his friends and the rest of the group. He wiped his eyes with his sleeve for about the hundredth time in the last thirty minutes. "No, we have a meet and greet to do, don’t we?"
Kevin said, "D, the fans will understand."
"But Sarah wouldn’t. I’m not facing her if she is safe and letting her find out I disappointed the fans. She’ll KILL me!" said Howie trying to smile. "I’ll go get cleaned up and come back."
They watched as Howie made his way to the restrooms and Brian said, "One of us should stay with him tonight."
Kevin spoke up, "I’ll stay."
After dinner was a meet and greet with fans from the Toronto area. Howie and the whole group were able to pull it off but it was difficult for Howie. Several fans asked where Sarah was and he told them that she was recording some stuff that he had written for her. They were excited to hear that she would be releasing a CD in the future and promised to buy it.
Back at the hotel, Kevin went with Howie to his room where they turned on the news and flopped down on the bed. Neither one said anything, an unspoken understanding to let each grieve in their own way but together.