AJ’s and Kevin’s prank scared the shit out of Sarah. They told her I’d been arrested in connection with Russell’s disappearance. I wanted to kill them myself but letting them get a reaction out of me would just tip them off that there REALLY is something up with it! It was fun watching Sarah throw them in the pool though. It’s hard to imagine someone as little as Sarah throwing Kevin in the pool but she did it without going in too! She and Kevin seem to be doing better but she still won’t talk to him one-on-one. I think now it’s more a matter of she knows she should apologize but she doesn’t know how to say it without telling him too much!

I’m going to KILL AJ and Kevin! April Fool’s Day and they were in RARE FORM!! Howie was supposed to pick me up from the youth center for dinner but AJ and Kevin made it there first! They told me Howie had been arrested for Russell’s disappearance, which SCARED me to no end. IF they only knew. When we got to Kevin’s, Howie was there and knew nothing about it. I was SO MAD AT them. They both went into the pool fully dressed.

Howie and I talked about AJ’s and Kevin’s April Fool’s joke. He said it was best to leave it alone rather than tell them.

We put together the storyboards for the "More Than That" video today. You know, I have the best friends in the world. We scrapped our original concept and simply sang to the cameras. I sang to Becca. I know everything that happened and I know that it's partly my fault. Howie and Sarah don't know that I know, but I'm not stupid.

I found the newspaper article that they thought they'd hidden. I read it, put two and two together and came up with all the answers that I needed. Andrew and I did this to her. He may be the asshole that hurt her and then died of AIDS, but I'm the one that made her run away. I can clearly remember saying, "I don't want to hear his name ever again." NOW who's the asshole? She couldn't even come talk to me. I shut her out before she could even try and she must be so scared, wherever she is, and she's alone.

I've put in a call to Dr. Peterson in Tampa. I hope she calls back soon.

We’ve started working on the video for ‘More Than That’. I talked to Brian, Kevin, and AJ about it and we all agreed that we’d do this Nick’s way! He wants this to be a message for Becca.

It's been a while, hasn't it? I've been busy. That's good, I suppose. It helps keep me focused. I feel better, better than I have in ages. Spring is here and with the change of seasons has come a freshness to my life, almost like a message from God telling me that it's all right to move on; all right to *live*. I can almost believe it if I try hard enough.

Sarah is with AJ in Orlando. His grandmother died and he’s really torn up. I worry about Sarah being ‘mother hen’ to everyone but it suits her sometimes. I wish she’d fly out here and kick Nick’s butt in shape again.

We’re staying here in LA to do the video and then it’s off to South America. Seems that we’re doing a TRL special in May to kick off their summer thing! I think I’m going to propose to Sarah there! I can’t wait much longer. I have someone to take over for her with the Youth Center and at the club so she can travel with me now!!

I saw him last night! I watched him sing on some Kid's award show and he is as beautiful as ever. I love how he gets into the music, and the song is destined to be great. I felt him singing to me, and I know he was. Sarah caught me online last night and IM'ed me before I could disconnect. I almost didn't reply, but I needed her. I'm so lonely and I have no one to share this with. No, I didn't tell her everything, but it was so good to chat, if only for a few minutes. She tells me that they are filming the video of "More Than That" today. I so wish I could be there to watch. I'll watch the premiere, though. She's promised to let me know when.

Becca was online tonight. I told her about ‘More Than That’ and we talked for a little while. Not much and I could tell that she didn’t want to tell me many details. I KNOW she’s hiding something. I just have to convince her that she can still talk to me. I did tell her that I was well now. I didn’t go into detail but she seemed glad.

Howie called tonight from LA and I talked to Nick for a little while. I told him that I had heard from her and that we had chatted. I also told him that I felt like she was holding something back and promised to let him know the next time I heard from her. He asked if he should email her and I told him to go ahead, it couldn’t hurt.

The call came in during the Kid's Choice Awards, so I had to call her back this morning. Dr. Peterson remembered us and we had a long talk. Becca's fears were totally off base. She didn't know it, but when they did the pregnancy testing last December, they routinely included HIV testing. Once again, Becca's emotions and insecurities got the better of her and she acted on impulse. I think it's time to email her again.

Oh god, I heard from him last night. The first email in a long time. He sounds good, more positive than I'd heard in a while. I have a feeling he's been talking to Sarah. I can't decide whether or not to answer him. I think I'll sleep on it.

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