"Suicide Hotline...please hold." - Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS - There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't. - Join the army! Travel the world, Meet interesting people, and kill them. - I was only looking at your name tag, honest. - KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names. - Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool. - My family puts the "fun" back in dysFUNctional. - Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one! - I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words. - Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system. - Dime: a dollar with all the taxes taken out. - If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. - You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core... I like that in a person! - Happiness is your Mother-In-Law's Picture on the Back of a Milk Carton. - Happiness is your Mother-In-Law's Picture on the Back of a Milk Carton. - Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way. - Who puts those "Thin Ice" signs out there. - An authority: someone who knows lots of things you could care less about. - !Scixelsyd Etinu. [Read Backwards] - Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma - Confusion: A hungry baby in a topless bar. - I've gone to find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait! - Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect to be paid back! - The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method - Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore. - Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap. - To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.". - If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking, "Do you want fries with that?" - Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? - When man discovered milk came from cows, what did he THINK he was doing? - Definition of gun control: use both hands. - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.. - Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?. - I am not weird, it's just that everyone else is.. - Isn't it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as the words "the" and "rapist" put together? - What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours? - If a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught by a fielder, is it a home run or an out? - On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1? - Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights? - Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk? - If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere...which way does it spin at the equator? - How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? - What does OK actually mean? - Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down? - alrite im done now i hav more, but i think thatz substantial 4 now... tell me if u want more...
