One bright and sunny day, the kind whence Ohtori Academy gets its reputation
(no, having highest density per unit population of knee-melting seduction
does not count), there was an odd rarity which occurred (as opposed
to a normal rarity). Really, something was completely amiss. Oh, sure, school
continued as usual- the fencing team fenced, the kendo club kendoed, and
Akio amused himself with his sword. Nothing should have been wrong with such
a normal Ohtori-environment, and yet an anomaly so profound occurred that
it eclipsed last month's ballet performance (with Touga cast as the Swan
Princess) and even rivaled the Creative Information Page. Yes, it was a normal
day
but that was the problem. No duels were fought, no glomping occurred,
no animals stampeded, no stopwatch clicked, no food caused anyone to switch
personalities, no wife-beating took place, no damsels in distress were rescued,
no drugs were dealt, and no Touga was anywhere to be found.
Where, oh where, has our manly man gone?
And for that matter, where is the rest of the cast?
The answer is simple
they were bowling.
Yes, Becka, Karen, Utena, Anthy, Chuchu, Saionji, Miki, Juri, Nanami, Touga,
and
Wakaba, were bowling. They had decided one week prior that they
would do something different. Duels were getting old, and chess just ain't
that fun anymore. Not to mention no one had the heart, or stomach, to suffer
through Anthy's cooking again.
So, what to do when dueling and chess are not an option? (And Akio
never was.)
The answer is simple.
Bowl.
So our enthused cast found its way to "Thundering Roses Bowling Extravaganza"
(on Disco Night!). Upon entering, they are surprised to be herded into a
single file line and led to what appears to be a security station equipped
with a metal detector.
Karen blinks, then glances at Becka, "A -metal detector-? In a bowling alley?"
"C'mon, Ka-chan. You know that bowling alleys are notorious hideouts for
local terrorist activity, not to mention all the native gangs that would
love to bomb this place."
Karen mutters to no one in particular, "Maybe someone just tipped them off
that they have big swords
"
As a method of silencing Karen, Becka shoves her through the metal detector,
then follows, smiling and waving at the security guards who haltingly wave
back. Chuchu, Nanami, and Wakaba had already passed safely through the metal
detector when things got a little more complicated.
It all started with Miki, who blushed furiously as a loud, jangling
"beep-beep-beep" filled the air. Two burly, muscle-bound, ferociously buff
women took Miki over to one side of the room where they thoroughly searched
him. Exactly one moment later click the offending metal was found
in the form of Miki's stopwatch. After a short time, they succeed in wresting
away the stopwatch, leaving a pathetic, crumpled, whimpering, blue heap,
who successfully crawls through the metal detector. Teary eyes waver up at
one of the two women who sternly tells him that his precious watch will remain
confiscated until he leaves. A strangled cry of defeat resounds through the
bowling alley, causing permanent occupants of the janitor's closet to look
up. One of then queries his elder, "What was that?" The older, wiser janitor,
who bears many battle scars from broom, brush, and stray bowling pin alike,
replies, "That, my child, is the sound of ultimate suffering." That is, of
course, until the nicer of the two women directs him to the shining, blinking
screen of the scorekeeper.
Juri comments softly, "Wow
that was harsh." She, however, is given
to her own set of problems, as she debates with one of the male security
guards on how, though an illegal substance, drugs are not metal in any fashion,
and therefore cannot be confiscated by metal detector test alone. One glance
into her eyes and they let her pass without further argument.
As Touga and Saionji approach the metal detector they're stopped even before
they get a chance to go through, for the large, obviously metal, swords handing
at their sides. Saionji in his usual, bastardly way, challenges the security
guards to a duel for the right to carry his sword; however, they were not
amused. Two of the imposing female security guards step forward, bearing
the nametags "Olga" and "Brunhilda." One simply picks him up from behind,
lifting him several feet off solid ground, while the other casually and
effortlessly removes his sword.
Finally, Saionji steps through the metal detector successfully (minus his
sword), and spots Touga standing on the other side waiting for him. Dropping
his gaze to the red-haired man's side, he blinks. Shocked, he looks up, almost
screaming, "How the hell did you get to keep your sword?" Touga merely shrugs
seductively, and points to the drooling puddle which once was the female
security guard population.
Utena walks through the detector with no problem, and she waits with hand
outstretched on the other side, patiently coaxing her Bride. Timidly, Anthy
steps under the metal arch.
BEEEEEEEEEP!
As the security guards descend upon her, despite Utena's offended protests,
Olga and Brunhilda perform a quick, efficient strip search (pointedly ignoring
the fact that Saionji and Juri try to join in) and, to their surprise, find
no metal. Still, the detector beeps. Aggravated beyond the point of speaking
(not that they ever did anyway), the two buff females search Anthy again,
this time having to physically ward of the other occupants of the bowling
alley. Finding nothing, and still having the detector beep, they take drastic
measures- which is to say, they forcibly lift her off the ground and shove
her through the conveyer belt, while Utena is reduced to staring in utter
shock.
While they were expecting to find metal, nothing could have prepared them
for the sight that lay naked before their eyes on the X-Ray screen.
Olga was a simple woman. She enjoyed some of the finer points in life, and
swords were one of them. Being her hobby and all, Olga knew a good deal about
them: big swords, small swords, short swords, tall swords. Why, she could
tell the difference between a Dutch-Morish sword and a Morish-Dutch sword
at 50 paces! However, this sword was like no other she had ever seen before.
This sword was encased in a woman.
Brunhilda was an even simpler woman. She never spoke much, nor did she really
have any wish to. But now she did, and she stated the obvious. "A sword?"
Recovering from her shock, Utena took the opportunity and ran with it. The
opportunity in this case being a petite Indian woman with a sword in her
chest. She quickly redressed Anthy, slung the timid girl over her shoulder
like a sack of flour and darted off before anyone could do or say anything.
Olga and Brunhilda just ... looked at each other. "Does she know about that?"
"I don't know, but that's not a burden I'd want to carry around on my chest."
Meanwhile, the rest of the cast, having had their shoes approved, set out
to find their balls. *note* we could make a comment on Touga here, but well,
we've done enough of that already - look at the rest of the page, fer cryin'
out loud!
However, one member of the cast had issues with these shoes. How could she,
Fashion Role Model of Ohtori Academy, allow such skanky shoes to touch her
delicate, princess-like feet which were related to that godlike Touga. After
a moment of thought, she snaps her fingers, and Tsuwabuki swaggers through
the doors (how did he get past the guards?), carrying a bowling ball bag
of at least twice his weight and holding between his teeth the laces of two
fashionably keen, impeccably clean, yellow bowling shoes with large pink
Velcro bows. The man behind the counter sighs in defeat and lets them go
on, knowing there was nothing he could do to stop such a
powerful girl.
Miki, thoroughly depressed over the loss of his stopwatch, settles himself
in the position of scorekeeper. Though he cannot keep time, at least he can
keep score, and he must be content with that, and the small blinking buttons.
Just before the game commences, Anthy points out one small oversight.
"Utena-sama, where is your bowling ball?"
Utena smirks and crooks a finger, "C'mere honey."
Once everyone recovers from their collective facefault, they begin to bowl.
Utena and the Bowling Ball of Dios somehow manage to get a perfect strike
every time, while Anthy beams on with pride for her Prince.
Always one keen for a challenge, Juri bowled against Utena. During the first
round of Juri's turn, Chuchu bolted from Anthy's lap, scampering down the
lane in an attempt to Disco-Surf down the isle. Using a small surf board
made from the Styrofoam cups at the snack bar, he suavely gets literally
bowled over by Juri's perfectly aimed ball. Caught off guard, and unable
to control his path, Chuchu is knocked into the pins. To the machine which
resets (perhaps its sensors were glazed) a small, purple, monkey-mouse looks
a lot like a bowling pin. For the rest of the game, they bowled against nine
regular pins, and one bowling-shaped Chuchu pin.
Karen blinks at Becka, "A bowling-shaped Chuchu pin?"
Yes, a bowling-shaped Chuchu pin.
Despite the fact that everyone had agreed that this game was simply for fun,
a little break to get away from the stress of Student Council, Touga and
Saionji play a bit more
or less
seriously. Taking their stances,
Touga glances once at the decidedly purple bowling ball with a small dot
on its forehead Saionji has opted to use. Our red-haired prince wasn't too
worried, that is, until Saionji proposed to it and threw it quite forcibly
at the pins when it refused to answer him. Consequently, he didn't knock
any pins down (that is, not any in his own lane).
Touga sighed, smiled at every female present, and focused more on his bowling
pose then on scoring any actual points
somehow he did very well on
all accounts, which leads us to believe that bowling pins do indeed have
a gender.
As Saionji seems to have slight difficulty scoring any points, Wakaba the
Ubiquitous, decides to show some compassion. She sits her green-haired lover
boy (though technically, he's only green-haired to her) down, then recovers
the purple bowling ball from the other lane, profusely apologizing to the
blue-haired lady who seemed very familiar from
somewhere.
Wakaba blinks, "Hey, weren't you at McDonalds?" The old woman can only nod
in stunned assent. To meet people such as these twice in one webpage was
just a little too suspicious. She slowly nodded, backed away, and ran as
fast as her Velcro-ed little shoes could carry her. Blinking, Wakaba shrugs
and goes back to bowling for Saionji, doing surprisingly well, despite the
fact that the ball was twice her weight.
Becka and Karen have their own way of going about things, and inherent in
that statement is the implication that they must have special clothing. Both
of them somehow changed without anyone noticing (except for the bowling shoes),
and Karen now wears a polyester Zoot Suit. Becka, on the other hand, can
only be described as
phoenix. She takes up a good section of floor,
measuring about 10 feet, from beak to tail. Her awe-inspiring costume consists
of a half-a-million, day-glow, red feathers. One must note the two wings,
not to mention the rather pointy beak. To end that off is a brightly
multi-colored tail which swishes amiably as she walks. No one said anything,
not even when she began to molt. While Karen bowled to the Disco music, Becka
roosted in a handmade nest in one corner of the snack bar, formed out of
the discarded straw wrappers and coffee stirrers.
Anyhoo, back at the lanes, Nanami sat on one of the semi-upholstered seats,
and sipped daintily from her soft drink, while Tsuwabuki bowled for her.
As the young boy struggled to lift the ball, Nanami pondered. ("I ponder,
I ponder, do you know what I ponder?" Becka pecks at the Shadow Girl with
her beak). Well, back to Nanami, the petite blonde-haired girl sat thoughtfully,
chin propped in one hand. "Hmm," she murmured softly, "How can I perfectly
humiliate that brother-stealing wench, Himemiya Anthy?" No retribution was
sweet enough, no plan for vengeance too dastardly- something more painful
and evil than even the Dean himself could conceive.
Suddenly, it hit her. Or rather, Saionji's bowling ball hit her. After the
EMTs left and Wakaba made her profuse apologies, Utena left her, muttering,
"At least it wasn't elephants
"
Nanami was left trying to remember what she had been thinking about
ah, yes. She had a plan. The perfect plan
to lock Himemiya Anthy in
the -bathroom-. Yes, the bathroom of a bowling alley: a place so terrifying,
and so swanky, that not even the most hardened pimps dared there.
The question was, "how?" How could Nanami get Anthy to the bathroom?
Being a girl, therefore one who never goes to the bathroom alone in public,
and being a dainty princess, who would never venture into such a place without
a body guard, she walks over to Anthy and pleads sweetly, "Oh, Anthy, please
come to the bathroom with me. I just can't -bare- to go in there all by myself.
And everyone else is bowling!
sort of
"
After telling Utena that she would return momentarily, Anthy gives a small
nod of consent. The two of them make their way to the bathroom. Along the
way they encounter several directional signs to guide them: "Beware!" "Proceed
no Further!" "Turn Back Now! Before it's Too Late!" "You'll Regret this Later!"
Anthy seems slightly upset by this, but Nanami drags her along.
They both enter, but Nanami sneaks back out a moment later. She assembles
a complex lock, having carried the lock, bolts, and power tool necessary
to complete this mission of utmost importance with her. After the door was
firmly secured with three deadbolts, twelve combinations, and a multitude
of padlocks, as well as a few boards nailed across the door for good measure,
Nanami sighs. She wipes her hands, and turns to go back to the bowling lanes
when, surrounded by sinks, toilets, and various UBPs (unidentifiable biological
pungencies), Nanami realizes something.
A noise from outside the door attracts her attention. "Oh my, what's this?
Keys?" Nanami frantically glances down at her belt, only to discover her
key ring is missing. Anthy's voice continues, "Oh well. I'd better be getting
back
Utena-sama will miss me if I don't hurry."
After a good half an hour of screams and pleas for help, which were all drowned
out by the infernal disco music, Nanami slumps down, carefully not actually
touching anything, and faces her fate. She happens to glance up and notice
inscribed there great words of encouragement. "Sit down. Read our walls."
Glancing around, she notices something else. It made sense.
Wallpapering every inch of free space are words, drawings, posters, toothpaste
sculptures, and various UBPs. Taking a moment, she reads the ones nearest
to her.
CAPTION: This kawaii little "bindi o'approval" was the very first award we
ever got. |
CAPTION: We have nothing to add to this. |
CAPTION: Taste is not an adjective we would describe
our page with... but, hell! We're not complaining. |
CAPTION: Yes! We are proud of this one... even if it did come from Nanami. |
Nanami blinks, "Hey! I don't remember giving anyone that! Someone must be
impersonating me!" Remembering she's locked in the bathroom, she stores this
peice of information away for later, promising herself that she will find
whoever it is and make them pay dearly.
CAPTION: For a good time call 1-900-THE-ROCK. |
CAPTION: Scary as it is, the following four awards all come from the same
site. Why is this frightening, you ask? Well, if you don't already know,
we're kinda' terrified that people would give us one award, much less
four...
*note* The awards were reduced in size to make this page load a wee bit faster.
|
The Award of Perfection
|
Utena's Originality Award
|
Utena's Award for a
Weird Page
|
Utena's Award for a
Great Image Gallery
|
CAPTION: Wahoo! Kawaii Chibi-Shinigami-chan! Ain't Duo adorable?
CAPTION: It's Utena. It's crazy. We leave the rest to your imagination.
CAPTION: The Dragon's Award of Excellence
Realizing that it would take several lifetimes to read all the walls, Nanami
redirected her efforts to the obviously impervious door.
Meanwhile, back at the bowling alley, Utena blinks as Anthy hands her a full
ring of keys.
"Utena-sama, I found these at the bathroom
" Rather surprised, Utena
decides that they must belong to the janitor. After all, who else would carry
around a full set of keys in a bowling alley (not counting, of course, all
those local terrorist groups)? After a moment's hesitation, Utena locates
the closet, clearly labeled "JANITOR," ignored the special noises coming
from inside, and knocked. The elder battle-scarred janitor answered the door.
"Yeh, whaddyu want?" Utena responds, "Excuse me, but my Bride found these
near your bathroom. Perhaps they belong to you?" The janitor didn't even
blink, or even look down for that matter, but gruffly answered, "No." Surprised,
Utena thanked him politely, then took a moment to decide her next course
of action. Having braved the janitor's closet, she decided that the bathroom
couldn't be all THAT bad, and set off to investigate the Mystery of the
Unplaceable Keys. Much like in a bad harlequin novel, Utena astutely reasoned
that someone was locked in the bathroom. From the screechings, scratchings,
and howlings coming from inside, Utena deduced that that someone could only
be Nanami. Trying the handle, and giving it several forceful yanks, Utena
decided that something a little more powerful was needed.
She whistled for her Bride, and as soon as Anthy made her presence known,
Utena asked for a variation on The Speech. Anthy began:
Oh Sears of the noble department store
Power of Dios that constructs within me
Head thy foreman and rev forth!
Smiling proudly, Utena withdrew... The Chainsaw of Dios. She revved it twice
and called to Nanami, "I suggest that you stand back!" Namami hastily complied
as Utena and the Chainsaw of Dios sliced through the wooden door and all
its locks like Saionji's bowling ball through the gathering crowds.
Soon a VERY grateful Nanami was gulping fresh air, and the trio made their
way back to the lanes.
As the disco wound down, and the time came for everyone to go home, (by virtue
of being kicked out more than anything else) Nanami looked back at the fateful
alley and swore, "I will never take for granted my cleaning staff again."
Becka and Ka-chan's Note:
If you're wondering why we chose to hang our awards in the bathroom
of a bowling alley, our reasoning is simple. It's a high-class learning
institution, not unlike Simon and Garfunkel's "The Sounds of Silence"
"The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls." Rather, in this
case, bathroom stalls.
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