The characters, plotlines, quotes, etc. included here are owned by Chris Carter and 1013 Productions, all rights reserved. The following transcript is in no way a substitute for the show "The X-Files" and is merely meant as a homage. This transcript is not authorized or endorsed by Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, or Fox Entertainment. It was painstakingly typed out by Starrrbuck <starrrbuck@hotmail.com>, edited by Dave Fox (davefox@richmond.infi.net) and presented here for your enjoyment by moi, Tiny Dancer <rhonda@globalserve.net> via my website, Tiny Dancer's X-Files Episode Guide <http://users.hunterlink.net.au/~ddpcw/td/xfindex.html> Enjoy and be sure to have a look at Starrrbuck's great website here: http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Dimension/3096/ ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Small Potatoes 4X20 Disclaimer: This production has not been approved, endorsed, or authorized by the Federal Bureau of Investigations, Ten Thirteen Productions, or Twentieth Century Fox. It is intended for entertainment purposes only, and all errors are mine. No infringement intended. Written by: Vince Gilligan Directed by: Cliff Bole Original Air Date: 04/20/97 Starring: DAVID DUCHOVNY as Special Agent Fox Mulder GILLIAN ANDERSON as Special Agent Dana Scully Also Starring: MITCH PILEGGI as Assistant Director Skinner Guest Starring: CHRISTINE CAVANAUGH as Amanda Nelligan DARIN MORGAN as Eddie Van Blundht CONSTANCE BARNES as O.R. Nurse CARRIE CAIN SPARKS as Duty Nurse MONICA GEMMER as Second Nurse P. LYNN JOHNSON as Health Department Doctor DAVID CAMERON as the Deputy ---------------------------------- TEASER Tablers Community Hospital Martinsburg, West Virginia (Amanda is being wheeled down a hospital corridor on a stretcher.) NURSE: How ya doin' hon? Breathe deeply...just like that... there you go. You're doing great! AMANDA: Yeah. Real great. (A second nurse runs to catch up with the stretcher.) SECOND NURSE: Ma'am...ma'am I need your full name and Social Security number. AMANDA: Amanda Nelligan. 545250809. SECOND NURSE: And your insurance carrier? AMANDA: Atlantic Mutual. SECOND NURSE: Great. Now is there anyone we need to contact? The father of the baby? AMANDA: I'm not sure I can get a hold of him. SECOND NURSE: If you give me his name I can try. AMANDA: He's not from around here. SECOND NURSE: Is he from out of state? AMANDA: Another planet. (The second nurse stops. The stretcher reaches the door of the delivery room.) NURSE: All right, we're here now. Okay, hold on. (In the delivery room, Amanda screams twice.) DR ALTON PUGH: One more push. There we go. We're going to set a speed record here. There's a cute face. (to nurse) Bulb syringe. (the nurse hands him one) This is like the Indy 500 here. Here it comes - the shoulder. Good. Okay Amanda, that'll do it.. (The doctor's smile disappears. The OR nurse drops her scissors.) DR PUGH: Oh. OR NURSE: God. AMANDA: (concerned) What? What is it? DR PUGH: It's okay. She's just fine. Perfectly healthy. (Amanda smiles) No problem. Everything's going to be a-okay. You've got a healthy baby girl. (He walks behind a curtain and holds the baby up. The baby has a tail.) DR PUGH: Good Lord ... not another one. ACT I (Mulder and Scully are driving along the highway in the car. It is raining outside. Scully is looking at an issue of The World Weekly Informer. The main cover photo is of a baby with a monkey head, with the headline "MONKEY BABIES INVADE SMALL TOWN!" Other headlines read "Michael Jackson held captive by exotic pets!" and "ETAP bigshot busted".) MULDER: (pointing at the monkey baby's head) I admit the photo's a little over the top, but uh, what do you think Scully? SCULLY: No, seriously. MULDER: Children born with vestigial tails don't interest you? SCULLY: Caudal appendages. Fetuses have them. Their coccyx enlargens to contain the spinal fluid and then it shrinks as the child develops. Occasionally, it doesn't. It's extremely rare, but it has been known to happen. MULDER: Five times within the last three months, all in a town with a population of less than 15,000 people? I'd say that's a little more than a statistical anomaly. SCULLY: So would I. No, Mulder I think you're right, I think that something about this definitely warrants investigation. Only not by us. I'd say that it's a job for the local health department. MULDER: I called around. They're already investigating. SCULLY: So uh, so what else about this interests you? Could it be uh...(looking at the sub-headline below the monkey baby: "Did West Virginia Women Mate with Visitors from Space?") ... visitors from space? (Mulder smiles at her.) (In Amanda's hospital room, Mulder and Scully are interviewing Amanda Nelligan, the mother of the baby with a tail. Mulder sits in a chair at her bedside. Scully stands behind him.) AMANDA: The doctor said that my baby, she's gonna be fine. She's really healthy. Once she gets to be a few months old, it's just a matter of a snip. MULDER: That's good to hear. AMANDA: Yeah. SCULLY: Did you experience any unusual complications during your pregnancy, Amanda? Did you undergo any kind of fertility treatment? AMANDA: No. I wasn't trying to get pregnant. I guess you could just sort of say I'm a single mom now. MULDER: When you were admitted you said that the baby's father was from another planet. What did you mean by that exactly? AMANDA: You know, that he's not from this planet. MULDER: Were you abducted? AMANDA: Huh? No, no, he dropped by my apartment one day, and one thing sort of led to another.. MULDER: But the baby's father is an alien? AMANDA: No, no, I didn't say he was an alien, I said he was from another planet. His name is Luke Skywalker. He's what's known as a Jedi Knight. (Mulder leans back in his chair and looks over his shoulder at Scully.) SCULLY: Did he have a light saber? AMANDA: No, he didn't bring it. He did sing me a song for me though. Da dum da da da da dum... (hums the Star Wars theme) (Mulder stands and heads for the door.) SCULLY: (interrupts Amanda) How many times have you seen Star Wars, Amanda? AMANDA: Three hundred and sixty eight. I should break four hundred by Memorial Day. (Mulder exits.) SCULLY: Okay. Thank you. AMANDA: Oh wait a minute, wait. You know these four other babies that were born around here with tails? SCULLY: Uh huh. AMANDA: There couldn't be any chance Luke's the father, is there? (Scully looks thoughtful.) (Mulder looks in the viewing room, where Amanda's baby is wagging its tail. Scully walks down the hall, on her cell phone. Mulder walks toward her.) SCULLY: (to phone) Okay. All right, I got it. Thank you. (she hangs up) MULDER: Take your best shot, Scully, but I think there's more going on here than Luke Skywalker and his light saber. SCULLY: I think you're right, Mulder. (she opens the door. Mulder stands in the hall, surprised by her response) Coming? (In a medical room, Mulder and Scully are looking at medical charts) HEALTH DEPARTMENT DOCTOR: Here are the PCR's we ran of the five children. We put calls into the parents. We'll blood test all the husbands hopefully by this afternoon, just to double check. SCULLY: Good. DOCTOR: They'll be none too happy. I have to confess, this answer seems so strangely obvious, I probably wouldn't have even checked for it. (She leaves) MULDER: (Whispers to Scully) What answer? SCULLY: (Points to the charts) You see here, these identical band trait matches all showing a small loss of a part of chromosome number eight? Each of these five children, born to five different women, all share the same father. MULDER: Yeah? SCULLY: I should have thought of it sooner. This kind of appended birth defect is often passed on within a family. MULDER: Meaning the father had a tail as well? SCULLY: Though he most likely had it surgically removed somewhere along the way. MULDER: How would this happen? SCULLY: Birds and the bees and the monkey babies, Mulder. MULDER: Birds do it, bees do it, even educated MD's do it. All five of these women shared the same OB-GYN, didn't they? SCULLY: Well yeah, he's the only one in town. MULDER: And four of the five women, the four married women not including Amanda Nelligan, were on record as receiving insemination therapy as a means of conception. SCULLY: So you're thinking that the doctor might have something to do with it. MULDER: So much for not putting all your eggs in one basket. Office of Dr. Alton Pugh, OB-GYN (As Mulder and Scully pull up in front of the doctor's offices, a couple is walking toward the office and having a conversation.) FRED: Baboo, look. Just let me handle it, okay? BABOO: I think we should find the best lawyer we can because I definitely plan to sue. That's all I'm saying, Fred. FRED: Baboo look, just let me do the talking. All right? BABOO: Okay. Just tell him we're going to sue. FRED: (seeing Mulder and Scully also heading into the office) Oh! You too, huh? (Mulder and Scully exchange a glance. In the office's hallway, there are several other angry couples surrounding the doctor) FRED: What the hell did you do? BABOO: Yeah, Alton! OTHER VOICES: Yeah! What did you do? DR ALTON: I didn't do anything. Now folks, we're going to figure this out here, I promise. Look, everybody just relax. FRED: Don't you tell me to relax. What the hell happened to my sperm? MAN #2: Yeah mine too! WOMAN #2: Whose did you use? MAN #2: It's bad enough having a boy with a tail and you find out it's not even yours! (looking back at Mulder and Scully walking in) For God's sake Alton, how many of us are there? MULDER: Uh, I'm Special Agent Mulder with the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and this is Agent Scully. (he flashes his badge) FRED: Great! Arrest this son of a bitch. MAN #2: Yeah, arrest this guy. SCULLY: Settle down, nobody's going to be arrested. MULDER: Yeah, we're just here to find out what's going on. FRED: Alton didn't use my sperm. DR ALTON: I most certainly did. Each of you women was inseminated with your husband's own sperm, and nobody else's. MULDER: Why was it necessary to inseminate in these cases? DR ALTON: It was a sperm motility issue. The intrauterine process that I used has about a 40% chance of success. I was surprised, it seemed to work all four times. Now the only thing I can think of is... MAN #3: What? DR ALTON: Maybe it never worked at all. BABOO: (moving in on Alton) What are you saying, Alton? FRED: Honey ... BABOO: No, I want to know what he means by that. I haven't been with a man since 1989, I mean not counting you. (Mulder wanders off down the hall.) DR ALTON: Look, I'm not accusing anyone of anything. I'm just saying this latest patient of mine who just gave birth to a baby with a tail, she didn't even undergo insemination. So you folks are blaming the wrong baby doctor! (Mulder walks into a room and notices a janitor fixing the sink.) MULDER: Hey. EDDIE: Hey. (Eddie bends over to get under the sink, and Mulder sees scar tissue at the top of Eddie's butt crack.) MULDER: Excuse me. I'm an agent with the Federal Bureau of Investigation. I'd like to ask you a few questions. EDDIE: Uh, yeah okay. (He suddenly bolts out of the room and toward the front of the clinic. Mulder sighs and rolls his eyes, but takes off after him. He tackles him in the hallway, not far from Scully and the rest of the crowd.) MULDER: Scully, check it out. (He pulls the back of Eddie's pants back to show the scar) WOMAN #2: Oh my God. WOMAN #3: It's him? He's the one? (In an interview room, the paternity test results are on the table, Eddie looks at the label: "Paternity Test: Van Blundt, Edward H.") SCULLY: Five out of five. EDDIE: They spelled my name wrong. It's Van Blundht with a silent "H". B-l-u-n-d-H-t. MULDER: Oh, we'll get right on that. EDDIE: Lots of people spell it wrong. It's like Dutch or something. Can I go now? SCULLY: No. There's a few things we have to clear up first. MULDER: Yeah. Like how'd you do it? EDDIE: What do you mean, how'd I do it? SCULLY: You're the father of five children Mr Van Blundht. Is that not news to you? (Eddie shrugs) Do you have any insight into how five women came to be inseminated with your sperm? EDDIE: You make it sound so romantic. MULDER: So you're saying there was romance involved? EDDIE: Why is that so hard to believe? Just cause I was born with a tail no woman would want me? Maybe I got...personality. Ever think of that? SCULLY: You had sex with these women? How is it that none of them have any recollection whatsoever of that happening? EDDIE: Look, I'm not saying anything one way or another. I'm just saying hypothetically, if some women wanted to have kids, their husbands weren't...capable, and everybody was happy and no one got hurt, well hypothetically, where's the crime? (Scully walks out. Mulder looks at Eddie for a few moments, then picks up the test results and follows her.) (Mulder and Scully are outside the interview room.) MULDER: Well, if you're waiting for my usual theory as to what's going on, I don't have one. SCULLY: I do. (crosses her hands over her chest) On, uh, on behalf of all the women in the world, I seriously doubt this is anything to do with consensual sex. I think it involved some form of Rohypnol rape. MULDER: A tranquilizer? I didn't think of that. SCULLY: It's been called the date rape drug. High doses of it cause a loosening of inhibitions, memory loss. Now if Van Blundht was somehow able to slip the drug to these women especially in conjunction with alcohol... MULDER: Yeah, but when and where would he have had the opportunity to slip it to them? SCULLY: Well he identified these women through his janitorial job at the medical park. He could have followed them anywhere, to a club, to a bar. MULDER: Those women don't look like the type that do a lot of solo drinking. SCULLY: I think it's enough to keep him in custody while we check it out. (She walks away. Mulder glances at the door to the interview room and sees Eddie staring at him through the door window.) (In the police station, Eddie is being interviewed by a police officer, who is typing his name into the computer. He spells it "Blundt".) EDDIE: Uh, you spelled my name wrong. It's B-l-u-n-d-H-t. Silent "H". DEPUTY: Address. (Eddie doesn't respond but stares intently at him) I strongly suggest you stop eyeballing me and tell me your address. EDDIE: Seventeen Prospect Parkway, Martinsburg, 25401. DEPUTY: All right, Mr Van Blund-Ht. Give me your phone number. (Eddie doesn't respond, and the deputy looks at him. Eddie has morphed into the deputy's likeness.) DEPUTY: What the hell? (Eddie picks up a desk ornament - a statue of a pig in uniform - (TD NOTE: looks like a piggy bank to me) and bashes it over the head of the deputy.) EDDIE as DEPUTY: (looking down at the deputy) The H is silent. ACT II (A few hours later at the police station, Scully is talking to another officer. The deputy is to the side, his head wrapped in a bandage.) OFFICER: I could have sworn Curtis clocked out hours ago. He said good night to me and everything. This morning I find him shoved underneath the desk. SCULLY: Deputy, are you sure you don't remember what happened last night? DEPUTY: The guy coldcocked me. Except he wasn't the guy. He was me. My head hurts. MULDER: (Mulder rings the bell at the desk, and Scully walks over to him) I found Van Blundht's clothes in the locker room. He must have walked out of here wearing the deputy's spare uniform. SCULLY: After hitting him over the head. MULDER: I have a theory. Do you want to hear it? SCULLY: Van Blundht somehow physically transformed into his captor then walked out the door leaving no one the wiser? MULDER: Hey Scully, should we be picking out china patterns or what? SCULLY: Mulder, why can't you just go for the simple answer? With that blow to the head the deputy might just as well have identified McGruff the crime dog as his attacker. MULDER: What about what the sheriff saw? SCULLY: Two men, roughly the same build, same coloring. The addition of a uniform goes a long way to explain how one person can mistake one man for another at 3 o'clock in the morning. MULDER: Conversely my theory goes a long way to explaining how four married women could mistake Van Blundht for their husbands, and how Amanda Nelligan could think it was Luke Skywalker. We've both seen something like this before, Scully. SCULLY: But what are you saying, that that Van Blundht is an alien? MULDER: Not unless they have trailer parks in space. This is something different. Seventeen Prospect Parkway (Mulder and Scully walk toward Van Blundht's house) MULDER: Hey Scully, if you could be somebody else for a day, who would it be? SCULLY: Hopefully myself. MULDER: So boring! I mean, wouldn't you even be tempted to try out someone else's existence for a day, live your life as somebody else? SCULLY: Looking like someone else, Mulder, and being someone else are completely different things. MULDER: Well, maybe it's not, I mean everybody else around you would treat you like you were somebody else, and ultimately maybe it's other people's reactions to us that make us who we are. (They reach the porch of the house.) SCULLY: All right, then. Eleanor Roosevelt. MULDER: It can't be a dead person. SCULLY: Why the hell not? (Mulder is looking at a man in the next yard running a leaf blower. The man bears a slight resemblence to Mark Hamill.) MULDER: Because. (Beside the door are letters that spell "VAN BLUNDHT". As Mulder walks past it, the "H" falls off. The door opens.) EDDIE as EDDIE SR: What are you doing sneaking around my porch? MULDER: We were uh...we're with the FBI. (she flashes her badge) Is this the home of Edward Van Blundht? EDDIE as EDDIE SR: Yeah, that's me. MULDER: We're looking for your son, Eddie junior. EDDIE as EDDIE SR: Eddie? What did that moron do now? (Inside the house, Mulder is looking out the window, again at the man who looks like Mark Hamill) EDDIE as EDDIE SR: Five women? Oh, Lord. Anything else? SCULLY: Yes. He, uh, attacked a sheriff's deputy during his escape from custody. EDDIE as EDDIE SR: Hurt bad? SCULLY: Fortunately not. EDDIE as EDDIE SR: Well, thank heavens for that at least. SCULLY: Sir, do you have any idea where your son might be? EDDIE as EDDIE SR: I wish I did. I'm sorry. I haven't seen him for the last two days. (Mulder is now looking at a poster on the wall that shows a man with a tail. The poster reads "See Eddie the Monkey Man". MULDER: Is this...is this you? EDDIE as EDDIE SR: (strikes a similar pose to the poster) One and the same! Hey, you want to see? (Eddie starts to undo his belt. Mulder nods eagerly.) SCULLY: No! (she looks at Mulder) No. No thank you. (Both Eddie and Mulder look disappointed.) EDDIE as EDDIE SR: My son had his removed when he was uh, just a kid. Kept bugging me and bugging me, till I finally let him do it. There you go. (He hands them a copy of Glimpse magazine, which shows a teenage boy lying face down on an exam table while a doctor holds up his tail. The headline reads "The Tale of a Tail".) EDDIE as EDDIE SR: I told him it was a mistake. I said son, you ain't much to look at. You ain't no athlete, and you sure the hell ain't no Einstein. But at least you got that tail. Otherwise you're just small potatoes. But he didn't listen. MULDER: Does your son have any other unique medical conditions, I mean, aside from the tail? EDDIE as EDDIE SR: Mr Mulder, that boy was born sickly. We used to have this condition down in the south called pellagra - MULDER: Excuse me, sir, how did you know my name was Mulder? EDDIE as EDDIE SR: She told me it was. SCULLY: Uh no, actually I didn't. (Mulder eyes "Eddie Sr" suspiciously. Eddie runs off toward the back of the house, realizing that he's been caught) MULDER: (giving chase) It's him! (Scully runs out the front door. Mulder finds the discarded red robe that Eddie was wearing. He sees several men nearby - one walking a dog, one taking out garbage, one cutting the grass and one pruning a hedge. He picks up the robe just as Scully walks up.) MULDER: Pretty spry for an old guy, huh? SCULLY: Eddie junior, not senior. MULDER: Well, whichever one he is, wouldn't you say he's a man with a secret? (He lays the robe over Scully's shoulder.) (Nearby, Baboo is putting a diaper on her baby. The baby also has a bandage where the tail used to be. Eddie, as Fred, runs into the house and quickly closes the door behind him.) BABOO: Honey, what are you doing here so early? (Eddie as Fred locks the door. He says nothing, but points down the hall, then walks quickly in that direction. He walks into the bathroom at the end of the hall and closes the door behind him. Baboo picks up the baby and walks in the same direction.) BABOO: Fred? (Eddie as Fred turns on the water in the bathroom.) BABOO: (outside the bathroom) Honey? Fred, is everything okay? (Eddie has morphed back to himself.) EDDIE: Everything's fine. BABOO: What happened to the clothes you were wearing this morning? EDDIE: I'll explain later. Just give me a little privacy okay? Uh ... Baboo. BABOO: Okay, Sugar Patootie. (Back at Eddie Sr's house, Scully and Mulder are looking around.) MULDER: I'll check upstairs. (He goes upstairs while Scully remains below. Mulder opens a cabinet and lots of stuff falls out, making a loud noise.) MULDER: I'm all right! SCULLY: (from downstairs) What? (Mulder sees the pull string for the attic stairs and gives a slight tug just as Scully comes upstairs. A white powder falls from the attic door. Some of it falls onto his face and he backs off, spitting.) MULDER: Ohhh. It's quicklime. Move back over there. (Mulder opens the entrance to the attic, and amidst more quicklime, a body rolls out. The body has a long tail.) MULDER: Not so spry. You think the fall killed him? (Back at the Fred's and Baboo's residence, Eddie is still in the bathroom as the real Fred returns.) FRED: Baboo! I'm home! EDDIE: Oh...crap. FRED: I'm home early. (to Baboo, who is staring at him in disbelief) What? BABOO: You were just here. You went into the bathroom. FRED: What? (While Eddie ponders his next move, Fred and Baboo quietly approach the bathroom. They see a shadow beneath the door.) FRED: Someone is in the bathroom! (Fred reaches for the door, but it quickly opens from the inside. Eddie has morphed into Mulder.) EDDIE as MULDER: It's all clear. ACT III (In the morgue, Scully is wearing a face shield and using a motorized saw on the body of Eddie Sr. She stops as Mulder enters with a cup of coffee) MULDER: So what killed Eddie the monkey man? SCULLY: It's difficult to say. The quicklime burned the tissue even as it preserved it, so what killed him is one of two things I haven't figured out yet. MULDER: What's the other thing? SCULLY: That would be this. It's striated muscle tissue. (She shows him a micrograph on a computer screen.) MULDER: What's unusual about that? SCULLY: In and of itself, nothing. Where I found it however - MULDER: Where did you find it? SCULLY: Everywhere. His entire body. As far as I can tell, this man has a thin stratum of voluntary muscle tissue underpinning the entire dermal layer of his skin. That's not normal. This man's body is quite a scientific specimen, and thankfully it's preserved and intact. (Mulder has walked over to Eddie Sr's body and touches his tail. It snaps off in his hand. He makes a face and looks back to see if Scully saw it. She didn't, and Mulder is between her and the broken tail.) SCULLY: In other words, there are six hundred and fifty four muscles in the human body, and this man essentially has six hundred and fifty five. MULDER: Um, could that somehow be related to his uh, having a tail? SCULLY: Possibly. It could be a linked gene birth defect. MULDER: What would be the, uh, purpose of, of this, uh...muscle? (Mulder desperately tries to stick the broken piece back onto the body.) SCULLY: You got me, Mulder. Maybe none. It appears to be atrophied, although it may look that way as a result of the mummification. (Mulder has turned toward Scully but is still fumbling with the broken tail behind his back.) MULDER: Could this be a "like father like son" kind of a thing? SCULLY: What do you mean? MULDER: Uh, could Eddie junior have, uh, the same anomalous muscular structure as his dad here? SCULLY: Maybe. What are you suggesting? MULDER: Well, um, if this musculature underlies the entire skin, then maybe it could be utilized to remold the skin's shape and texture. Which would go a long way to explaining why we're looking for a man who can appear to be his own father, or anyone else for that matter. SCULLY: Isn't it much more likely, Mulder, that this man simply has an identical twin? (Mulder has managed to delicately balance the tail on the body.) MULDER: Check that out. (he heads for the door) SCULLY: Where are you going? MULDER: Something about Van Blundht's MO confuses me. His victims were four married women who wanted to get pregnant ... SCULLY: ... and one single woman who didn't. (Mulder nods, and quickly leaves. As the door closes, the tail falls off of the body and onto the floor. Scully stares at it.) (In Amanda's room at the hospital, the nurse has brought Amanda's baby to her. There's a knock on the door.) AMANDA: Come in! EDDIE as MULDER: Sorry, Ms. Nelligan. I'm sorry to bother you. AMANDA: No, no, it's no bother. EDDIE AS MULDER: I just have uh, a few additional questions I wanted to ask you. AMANDA: Okay. (she hands the baby to the nurse.) NURSE: Here we go sweetie. AMANDA: Bye bye! NURSE: We'll just come back later. (she leaves with the baby) AMANDA: You know, I thought they were letting me stay in the hospital so long because I have really, really great insurance. Turns out they're just keeping me here because they think I'm sort of crazy. They want to make sure I'm safe to be around my baby. EDDIE as MULDER: Free cable. (she chuckles. He sits on the bed) I want to ask you... do you recognize this man? (He shows her a particularly goofy looking photo of Eddie) AMANDA: Ohhh...yes...eww. That's Eddie Van Blundht. EDDIE as MULDER: What can you tell me about him? AMANDA: We went out all through high school. (he smiles) Oh, brother... EDDIE as MULDER: (stops smiling) What? AMANDA: Nothing, he's just sort of a loser. (he gets a pained expression) He's one of those guys you look back on, you know, and oh my God, what was I thinking? WHAT was I thinking? EDDIE as MULDER: Well...what, uh, specifically made him a loser? AMANDA: I don't know. Everything. He had like one million annoying personal habits. You know, just no sense of romance, no ambition, no direction. I mean, I hear he's like a janitor or something now. He had this weird family, his dad was in the circus or something. I don't know. He never let me meet him, thank God. EDDIE as MULDER: (looking hurt) He must have had some good qualities? AMANDA: Well, yeah, sure, everybody's got a few. Yeah, we had some good times. We really loved Star Wars so we used to go and see it every weekend. That was nice. (he smiles) He was no Luke, that's for sure. (the smile disappears) Why do you want to know about Eddie? EDDIE as MULDER: (Softly) That's official FBI business. AMANDA: Wow! EDDIE as MULDER: (Gives her a rose) I wanted to congratulate you on this ... blessed event. (He dejectedly heads for the door.) AMANDA: Thank you. May the force be with you! EDDIE as MULDER: Uh-huh. (As 'Eddie as Mulder' walks out into the hall, the real Mulder arrives at the nurses' station.) MULDER: (to nurse) I'm here to see Amanda Nelligan? ('Eddie as Mulder' sees Mulder and ducks across the hall.) NURSE: Straight down the hall, there. (Mulder knocks on Amanda's door.) AMANDA: Come in! (Mulder enters) No, seriously though, why do you want to know about Eddie? MULDER: What about Eddie? AMANDA: Why were you asking me all those questions about him? (Mulder looks puzzled. His cell phone rings.) MULDER: (to phone) Mulder. (Fred and Baboo are calling from their house.) FRED: Agent Mulder, this is Fred Nieman. Is it okay for us to get into our bathroom now? MULDER: Excuse me, sir? FRED: Well, I was hoping we could get into our bathroom sometime this evening. You said the police were going to come by and dust it for some fingerprints but that was over four hours ago. MULDER: Uh huh. FRED: We want to help you catch this guy, but I gotta say I'm having a real hard time here. I mean, how exactly do you wind up chasing a suspect into my bathroom? BABOO: (to Fred) Don't forget the suit. FRED: And what do you need with my charcoal suit? MULDER: I'm sorry Mr Nieman, I'm going to have to call you back. (To Amanda) I was just here. Where did I go? AMANDA: Huh? (He waves goodbye and goes into the hall, where he runs into the nurse.) MULDER: (to nurse) There was a man. He looked exactly like me. Did you see where he went? NURSE: (looking puzzled) Down the hall ... men's locker room. MULDER: Thank you. (Mulder enters the locker room and draws his gun. On the other side of a set of lockers, a security guard is pulling his pants up.) MULDER: Hey. SECURITY GUARD: Hey. (The guard sees that Mulder has a gun, and he reaches for his gun which is on a bench in front of him, but Mulder aims his gun at him.) MULDER: Van Blundht ... SECURITY GUARD: Who? MULDER: (holding his gun on him) Think about it. Get your hands up. Turn around. (The guard complies, and his pants fall to the floor.) MULDER: Keep them up there. Put your hands down now. (he handcuffs him) If it's not you, I apologize in advance. MAN: What are you doing? MULDER: Pull your pants up. (Dr. Pugh comes out of the shower, wearing a towel. Mulder whirls and aims his gun at him. Pugh drops the towel. Mulder's eyes drift down, then he looks at the two men.) (Mulder has handcuffed the two men to a support pole in the locker room.) DR PUGH: What? What did I do now? MULDER: You're the only ones here? SECURITY GUARD: Yeah. MULDER: I apologize. Only one of you is the man I'm looking for. I hope. I gotta wait for some blood tests to come back and then I'll release the other one. So why don't you just sit back and relax? Keep your clothes on, huh? (He calls Scully on his phone) SCULLY: (on phone) Scully. MULDER: Yeah, hey, it's me. I think you should get down to the hospital right away, okay? SCULLY: I'm on my way. (He hangs up, but hears a noise overhead. He looks up and sees a bank of flourescent lights flickering and a ceiling tile slightly ajar. He reaches up and pushes the tile aside. EDDIE: (in the ceiling) You're a damn good looking man. (Eddie falls out of the ceiling onto Mulder.) (Later, Scully walks down the hall towards Mulder, who is holding a bag of ice to his head. He is arguing with the two men he handcuffed) SECURITY GUARD: I mean, you draw a gun on me. You handcuff me. EDDIE as MULDER: I know what I did. SECURITY GUARD: I take issue with that. EDDIE as MULDER: I'm sorry. SECURITY GUARD: I have a serious problem with that. EDDIE as MULDER: I'm sorry. DR PUGH: I still don't understand. Do we look like criminals to you? EDDIE as MULDER: Look, I said I ... SECURITY GUARD: Exactly. What the hell was on your mind? EDDIE as MULDER: I said I was sorry. SCULLY: What's going on? EDDIE as MULDER: (to a cop) Am I done here? COP: Yeah. We've got enough description. Come on guys. (Scully and 'Eddie as Mulder' walk away from the others.) SCULLY: What the hell happened? EDDIE as MULDER: Van Blundht surprised me. He cold cocked me and then he got away. SCULLY: You got a lead on him? EDDIE as MULDER: No, but the local authorites are already on the warpath for going after one of their own. They'll catch him eventually. SCULLY: So what? That's it for us? EDDIE as MULDER: I know I dragged you out here Scully, but I'm beginning to think this whole thing is just a waste of time. SCULLY: Now you think there's no X-File here? EDDIE as MULDER: (confused) No. No, I think the only thing here is uh... small potatoes. (Mulder walks away, and now Scully looks puzzled.) (Down in the utility room in the hospital basement, Mulder is locked in a small cage. The cage is padlocked and has a sign on the front that reads "See janitor for keys".) MULDER: (yelling) Hello? Hellooo!! Get me out of here! ACT IV (Mulder is still in the locked cage.) MULDER: Hello! Hello! I'm down here! Help! (He kicks at the door without success. In the cage is someone's lunch: a sandwich, an apple and an opened can of Perk cola.) FBI Headquarters Washington. D.C. (Mulder and Scully are in Skinner's office. Skinner is reading their report. 'Eddie as Mulder' glances at Scully, then crosses his legs and folds his arms like her.) SKINNER: (sighs) Which one of you wrote this? EDDIE as MULDER: I did, sir. SKINNER: You spelled Federal Bureau of Investigation wrong. EDDIE as MULDER: It was a typo. SKINNER: Twice. Agent Scully, what about the body you found. Did you establish a cause of death? SCULLY: Yes, sir. The subject, Edward Van Blundht senior, died of natural causes ... specifically heart disease and advanced age. EDDIE as MULDER: We think the son hid the father in the attic so he could continue to cash in on the old man's social security checks. SCULLY: Most likely. SKINNER: So the son wasn't a murderer? EDDIE as MULDER: (quickly) Oh no, not at all. SKINNER: But he was a rapist. ('Eddie as Mulder' frowns.) SCULLY: I entered him into the national sex offenders database. The West Virginia state police have a photo and a description and they will coordinate with local authorities. There should be an arrest soon. ('Eddie as Mulder' has an odd grimace on his face. Skinner looks at him and his expression returns to normal.) EDDIE as MULDER: That about wraps it up. ('Eddie as Mulder' and Scully are walking down the stairs to the basement office. 'Eddie as Mulder' pats Scully on the shoulder) EDDIE as MULDER: So Scully, what are you doing tonight? Any big plans? SCULLY: Well, seeing as how it's Friday, I was thinking I could get some work in on that monograph I'm writing for the penology review. EDDIE as MULDER: Oh. SCULLY: "Diminished Acetylcholine Production in Recidivist Offenders". EDDIE as MULDER: Uh huh. SCULLY: Though actually I might ditch that though. EDDIE as MULDER: (hopefully) Really? (He is trying various keys in his office door but can't find the right one. Scully has her head buried in the case file and doesn't notice.) SCULLY: Yeah, I have to say, Mulder, the anomalous musculature in the corpse we found really has me intrigued. In fact, I think I'm gonna go to Quantico and have some tissue samples run. I'll see you Monday. (She walks away. Mulder watches her wistfully.) EDDIE as MULDER: Monday morning. (He finally finds the right key, and enters the office and looks around. He picks up the nameplate on the desk.) EDDIE as MULDER: Fox? Brother. (He sits in the chair, and puts his feet on the desk like Mulder does. He leans back too far, though, and has to grab the back and side tables to keep from falling. He sits up and straightens the desk, then swivels around and looks at the back bulletin board, including the "I Want to Believe" poster.) EDDIE as MULDER: Good night! This is where my tax dollars go? Where do I live? (He gets Mulder's wallet out of his suit and looks at the driver's license. It lists 42-2630 Hegal Place, Alexandria as his address.) (Later, 'Eddie as Mulder' enters Mulder's apartment) EDDIE as MULDER: (looking around) Where the hell do I sleep? (He pushes the button on Mulder's answering machine. The first message is from Langly. He feeds the fish during the message.) LANGLY: Mulder. Langly. You gotta see this. An online associate of ours, who will remain anonymous, has figured out a way to digitize the Zapruder footage so he can extrapolate a birds eye view of the Dealey plaza at the exact moment of the assassination. You'll never believe where the third shot came from. FROHIKE: (in background) Tell him about the cheese steaks. LANGLY: Oh yeah! Frohike, Byers and me are going out for cheese steaks. Are you down with that? Uh, erase this when you hear it. (He picks up a basketball and tries to dribble it, slapping it a couple of times before it rolls away.) EDDIE as MULDER: Geeks for friends. (The second message begins.) CHANTAL: Hello Marty? Chantal. It's been so long since we've spoken and I've been so lonely not hearing your sexy voice. (he walks back to the desk and grabs a pencil to write down the details) Marty, just for you we've lowered our rates to 40 cents a minute, (he throws down the pencil) 2.99 for the first minute, all long distance rates apply. Do give me a call, lover-man. I'll be waiting. (He walks over to a mirror and practices his technique. He pulls out his badge and flashes it, upside down.) EDDIE as MULDER: FBI. F-B-I... (he turns the ID the right way up) FBI. (He now does a DeNiro impression.) EDDIE as MULDER: You looking at me? There ain't nobody else here, you must be lookin' at me. You want a piece of this? (He unbuttons his jacket and displays his gun to the mirror. Then he tries a quick draw, but the clip falls to the ground. He retrieves it, points the gun at the mirror and then twirls it cowboy-style before putting it back in the holster. Then he straightens his tie.) EDDIE as MULDER: You're a damn good looking man. (He practices a few facial expressions, ending with an arched-eyebrow "puppy dog" look.) (Scully is sitting on the floor in front of the sofa in her apartment. She has a book and papers in front of her. There is a knock on the door, and she gets up to answer it. Through the peephole, she sees 'Eddie as Mulder", who flashes a wide grin. She opens the door.) SCULLY: (looking alarmed) Mulder, what's up? EDDIE as MULDER: Scully? Is this a bad time? SCULLY: No. No uh...come on in. (she sees that he's carrying a wine bottle) Who's that for? EDDIE as MULDER: Uh...us. (She stares at him for a second, then takes the wine bottle.) SCULLY: Okay. Have a seat. (She goes to the counter, throwing a confused glance over her shoulder at him.) EDDIE as MULDER: So uh...what are you working on? (He grabs a spoon and examines himself in the reflection, while Scully gets wine glasses from her cupboard.) SCULLY: More autopsy data. You know, everyone at the lab found Mr Van Blundht pretty fascinating. (he makes a sour expression) We discovered an additional anomaly related to the hair follicles in his scalp. I can't even begin to guess at the nature of it until we can run it through the transmission electron microscope. (Scully pulls the cork from the bottle. 'Eddie as Mulder' awkwardly puts his elbow on a pillow, then reconsiders and throws it aside.) EDDIE as MULDER: Sounds very interesting. (She brings the wine and glasses back and sits on the sofa next to him. She studies him for a second, then pours the wine into the glasses.) SCULLY: Yes, it is. So seriously Mulder, what's going on? You okay? (She hands him a glass and pours her own.) EDDIE as MULDER: (nods) Mm. I was just kind of knocking around, I was (they click glasses together) just thinking... (they take a sip. He coughs.) Uh, good. We never really...uh...talk much...do we? SCULLY: What do you mean like...really talk? No, no we don't, Mulder. EDDIE as MULDER: Well what's stopping us? (She looks at him, draws a breath, looks away, looks at him again, looks away again and sighs.) (A while later, a fire is blazing in the fireplace and Al Green's "Ain't It Funny How Time Slips Away" is playing in the background. 'Eddie as Mulder' is pouring the last few drops of wine into her glass, and the wine seems to have had the usual effect.) SCULLY: So there we are at two o'clock in the morning, me and my moire taffeta dress and Marcus in whatever the hell it was he was wearing - (he pounds the bottle to get the last drop out) thank you very much. It had a um... a kelly green cummerbund on it. Anyway, so, I know that Marcus is thinking that it's now or never, (he nods) and I'm thinking... EDDIE as MULDER: What are you thinking? SCULLY: I'm thinking "what is that siren I hear getting louder?" EDDIE as MULDER: No way! Who called the cops? SCULLY: It wasn't the cops it was the fire department. My friend Sylvia and her idiot prom date ... EDDIE as MULDER: Berwood? SCULLY: ... had built this campfire that went totally out of control and so we all had to ride back on the um... what do you call it? The um, the pumper truck. Yeah. Marcus was the twelfth grade love of my life. (she laughs into her glass) I can't believe I'm telling you this! EDDIE as MULDER: I don't believe you haven't told me before. SCULLY: No, I'm seeing a whole new side of you, Mulder. EDDIE as MULDER: Is that a good thing? SCULLY: I like it. EDDIE as MULDER: Do you ever wish things were different? SCULLY: What do you mean? EDDIE as MULDER: The person you wanted to be when you grew up, when you were in high school. How far off from that did you end up? SCULLY: Career wise? Miles off target. EDDIE as MULDER: No, no, not just that. Do you ever wish...that you could go back and do it all differently? SCULLY: Do you? (Eddie nods sadly) ('Eddie as Mulder' scoots closer to her on the sofa. Her eyes widen for a moment and she lets out a quick sigh of surprise. He leans closer to her and her lips part in another sigh. Just as their lips are about to touch, the real Mulder bursts in the door. She looks at him in amazement, and he looks at the two of them on the sofa in equal amazement. Scully looks at 'Eddie as Mulder', then pushes him away with a slight yelp and quickly stands. While the real Mulder continues to stare at them, 'Eddie as Mulder' slumps back dejectedly and morphs back into himself. Scully stares at him in amazement, while Eddie gives her a shrug.) Cumberland Reformatory One Month Later (Eddie, wearing a baseball hat, sits on one side of the window as Mulder enters and sits on the other side.) EDDIE: Thanks for coming. MULDER: What's with the hat? (it reads: Superstar!) EDDIE: My court-appointed therapist makes me wear it. She says it's meant to bolster my self-esteem. MULDER: Does it? EDDIE: Not really. The other inmates just beat me up and take it from me. Which would be okay except that every week she brings me a new hat. Plus they keep me on some kind of muscle relaxant so I can't make faces the way I used to. Did you tell them to do that? (Mulder doesn't respond) Is uh... (arching an eyebrow) is Agent Scully here? MULDER: What did you want to talk to me about, Eddie? EDDIE: I just think it's funny. I was born a loser, but you're one by choice. MULDER: On what do you base that astute assessment? EDDIE: Experience. (Eddie leans forward) You should live a little. Treat yourself. God knows I would if I were you. (Mulder gets up and leaves. Scully is in the hallway. She has watched and heard the conversation on a TV monitor. He signs out with the guard.) GUARD: Good day, sir. (They walk down the hall together, neither looking very happy. Scully's arms are folded, but then she unfolds them and puts her hands in her coat pockets. Mulder is fiddling with his sleeves and looking down at the floor as he walks.) SCULLY: I don't imagine you need to be told this Mulder, but you're not a loser. MULDER: Yeah, but I'm no Eddie Van Blundht either. Am I? (He glances quickly over at her. She doesn't respond and stares straight ahead. Mulder continues to fiddle with his hands and looks ahead as well. ----- End