CORAL SPRINGS, Florida --"Do I like my space?...yes. Will I eat you if you try sitting next to me?...roll the dice, porkchop."
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia --Though they were there to help raise money for the Special Olympics...Fred, Steve, and Bob couldn't help but gawk at Buddy, the pole-vaulter with two lazy eyes.
BAGHDAD, Iraq --Weapons Inspectors hit a snag this week. After being hit, the snag got pissed off and hit them back, knocking out one of the weapons inspectors' contact lenses. Inspectors spent the rest of the day searching for the lens and mumbling to themselves, "damn snag".
LOS ANGELES, California --Azra Akin, 21, a Turkish Model, was crowned Miss World this week. The new Miss World was quick to thank her mom, dad, and the insane Muslim community of Nigeria for killing and brutalizing themselves in the street in an effort to keep the pageant a newsworthy event.
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People Impressed With Man Who Shakes Hands "Like A Damn Champ"
ORLANDO, Florida -- An otherwise bland convention to highlight vacuum cleaner product enhancements turned electric with excitement as convention-goers buzzed on about the man who really knew how to shake a hand. Marty Grisman, a 43 year old from Flansburg, PA, was surprised at the reaction. The handshake was described as "smooth, but firm...rough, but supple...direct, but a bit ticklish". People also noted the motion...not too vigorous...not to lacksadaisical. "Wow...that hand shake!" gushed one convention-goer.
This letter was submitted by "Dave"
"Harold...I've got a story. My friend had an accident with a hockey puck and it went through his cheek and he didn't lose a tooth. Can you write a story about that? Just a thought."
First of all, Dave, you have a number of thoughts here but however you wish to generalize your world is fine by me.
Unfortunately, I cannot run a story on your "friend" (we of the liberal media prefer to call them "life partners"). You see, I went to at least 2 journalism classes in my 10th grade year of high school, and I know what elements are necessary to make a story newsworthy, or as us news hounds call it, "swerthy". For future reference, please consider the following for a swerthy story...
- CONNECTION TO WAR ON TERROR: This is huge, and will always get top billing. For example, was Osama bin Laden hiding in the hockey puck? This is very important.
- CONNECTION TO CELEBRITY:People love hearing about celebrities. Is your life partner famous? Was the person who hurt your life partner famous? If so, I really care. If not, I could give a rats ass.
- BACKSTORY: This is a very important factor. Did your life partner get hit by a puck while entering a burning building full of orphans? Did your life partner get hit in the face in order to pay back your obscene gambling debt with the Russian mafia? If he got hit because he was daydreaming about a potential Monkees reunion when his head shoulda been in the game, well sir, there's nothing swerthy about that....mmmmm....Monkees....funny group.
I hope this helps you out. ...just 75 thoughts.
-MH
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