This fic was kind of a surprise, actually.  I'd chosen it because it must have registered in my mind at the time that it wasn't really a very good fic.  I reread it, though, and found that despite the lack of plot it's actually not that bad.  The characterisation is more dead on than a lot of plot-filled fics I've seen.

Nevertheless, I MiSTed it.  I believe this was also the first fic I received a response for when I e-mailed permission, not counting Kintaro Freon.  If nothing else, I'm rather fond of this one for the rather bizarre "Kirin = Omega Red" gag.  Interesting note: decent fics are actually easier to MiST than really crappy ones.  Just a thought.

Actually, upon looking through this, I realized the fic was funnier than the MiSTing, but oh well.  Barring spelling errors and the presence of the X-Men (of whom I'm REALLY not fond of), this is actually one of my favorite of all my MiSTed fics.  The guy has the Tick characters down so perfectly it's scary.  Damned funny, though -- I should look into other Tick fics.

I have absolutely no idea why I made Kirin such a heavy drinker in this one.  I suppose it has a lot to do with various ideas running through my head for his future.  I'm not telling what they are, though.  At any rate it doesn't relate to the MiSTings, so...

Notice this is the first instance of a theme song and a door sequence.  I'd been reading more MiSTings and decided it'd be cute.  Talk about bad judgement...

********************
Beginning transmission...
MiSTing #2
MiSTed Fic: Tsuki Ni Kawatte... SPOON, Bub!
MiSTing status:  Rank Amateur
********************

Theme Song!!! (Tee hee...)

In the not-so-distant future,
(Bodger: Not soon enough, for me...)
A timid writer found a source
Of new hilarity!

Bodger: A mockery of stupid posts
And lousy fiction found from coast to coast!
I'll do my own, it'll be a lot of fun
And perhaps someday I'll have the greatest MiSTings ever run!
(Others: Yeah, right.)

So looking for some victims
But lacking in this place,
She just took her own characters
And shot THEM into space!

Now bear in mind that Mike and Joel
And all the rest are fine...
But Bodger chose to use these three
Since they're all from the same mind!

Role Call!

Bodger! (Hey, I'm the MAD, not the experiment!)
Kirin! (DON'T call me 'elf boy'.)
Alexis! (Not a main character, but nearly as good!)
Hibiiiiichi! (I'm not really a hentai!)

If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
And other logic facts
Remember they're all fictional (All: HEY!)
So sit back and relax

For Mystery Avatar Theater, 3000! *thunk*

SoA

Kirin was fuming.  He knew for certain that he had several bottles of fine whiskey on board.  Hell, he had nearly broken his back carting the stuff on board.  And yet currently there wasn't a single bottle on board the entire satellite.

"All right, where the hell did you guys hide it?!" shouted Kirin.

Alexis looked up.  She'd been writing a letter to her mother explaining her absence.  "Damned if I know.  What are you talking about?"

"My supply! Fifty bottles of fine whiskey! Where did you hide it?!" he asked angrily.

"I wasn't even aware that you HAD a stock of whiskey, Kirin," said Hibichi as he practiced his sword maneuvers.

"Well SOMEBODY took it!  We're not doing anything until we find it, either!" Kirin ordered.

"Yeeesh, who died and made you tyrant?" groused Hibichi.

"Later, Kirin, the SI is calling," said Alexis, opening the com link.
 

Castle Bodger

"I heard that.  You know, technically speaking we're ALL self-inserted," grumbled Bodger.
 

SoA

Alexis shrugged.  "Yeah, but who's the one with all the power, then?"
 

Castle Bodger

Bodger sighed.  'Perhaps giving them all cynical personalities wasn't such a good idea,' she thought.  She then noticed Kirin, red-faced behind Alexis.  "Hey, what's with him?"
 

SoA

Alexis blinked.  "Who? Oh, Kirin. Eh, he's just pissed off because he misplaced his booze stash," she explained.

Kirin retorted, "You do NOT just LOSE fifty bottles of whiskey!"
 

Castle Bodger

"Oh, THAT stash!  I transported it off the satellite.  Didn't want people to think I was encouraging drinking or anything," Bodger said a little too cheerfully.
 

SoA

Kirin was absolutely flabbergasted.  "Wha... bu... why..." he stuttered.

Alexis scowled.  "Oh, get over it Kirin.  You're acting like an alcoholic."
 

Castle Bodger

Bodger chuckled.  "Sorry about that, but we do try to maintain at least a PG-13 rating for the readers. Anyhoo, I decided that I'd send you a fanfic I thought was rather funny.  After all, MiSTs have been done on good fics before," she said.
 

SoA

Hibichi grinned. "Hey, just as long as it's reasonably readable, we can tolerate it."

Alexis nodded. "Just as long as the lemon filter works, of course," she added.
 

Castle Bodger

"Wouldn't dream of sending you any. I despise them. Anyway, here you go!" she said, sending the fic.
 

SoA

"AAAAAHHH! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!" everybody except Kirin shouted. Hibichi ran into the theater, with Alexis dragging a still stunned Kirin close behind.
 

[Door sequence -- now in detail!
    Door 6: It's an average vault door, with combination lock.
    Door 5: It's the Tick. You tell him about evil-doers five miles away and he runs off happily in pursuit.
    Door 4: It's Juggernaut. You let him charge you, then duck at the last minute as he crashs into the wall behind you.
    Door 3: It's a rock. You shout, "Open sesame!" and it moves aside magically.
    Door 2: It's the Sailor Scouts. You clap your ears as they give their cheesy speeches.
    Door 1: It's an ordinary theater entrance. You walk in. ]

Kirin: Grr...
Alexis: Don't let it get to ya, Kirin. She's always been a bit over-zealous.
Hibichi: Deep calming breaths, now.
Kirin: (breathing deeply) Okay, fine, I can handle this. So what's the fic?
 

======================================================================
===Tsuki ni Kawatte... SPOON, Bub!===
by Jason Tucker
======================================================================

Alexis: Watch out for that truck, title --! Oh, it's too late.  Shouldn't have been sitting in the middle of the road.

First, let me preface this by saying that this is a comical crossover fanfic. Sailor Moon and all associated people belong to Naoko Takeuchi and a bunch of other people. The X-Men and all them folks belong to Marvel. The Tick belongs to a whole bunch of other people, too.

Kirin: Gee, he's so specific...

This fanfic belongs to me. I wrote it in my mind in the shower and typed it when I got out.

Kirin: Whoa! Too much information!

I dried off first, of course.

Hibichi: IfyaknowwhatImean!
Alexis: Are you always like this?
Hibichi: Naw, but these fics do this to me...

All that said and done, enjoy!

All: Thanks. We won't.

======================================================================

Kirin: Do not cross the double yellow.

It was a clear, blue sky that stretched over Tokyo, Juuban, and most of the Japanese island of Honshuu.

Kirin: The rest of Japan, of course, was shrouded in darkness.

The sun was shining while the birds were twittering in the trees.

Hibichi: (Bart) The bees were trying to have sex with them... as is my understanding.
Alexis: I recognize that quote, so I'll let it pass.

All in all, it was a beautiful, happy day. Even on a day such as this, Usagi Tsukino found a reason to cry.

Hibichi: She ALWAYS finds a reason to cry.
Kirin: Well of course! It's the Sailor Moon fanfic cliche!

"WAAAAAHHH!"
"Usagi, quit whining about it!" commanded Rei Hino, her best friend.

Alexis:Wow, those two must be the best of mates!

"So what if the Conference on Mutant Heroism is being held here in Juuban and you don't have a ticket? You can always watch it on CNN."

Kirin: Oh, yes, of COURSE they have CNN in Japan.
Alexis: Actually, I think they do.
Kirin: Oh. Well, that doesn't mean she'd be watching that over a normal Japanese news station.
Alexis: You know, I remember attending that conference once. Superman made a real ass of himself that time.

"I don't know why anyone would want to see it anyway," said Makoto Kino. "It's just going to be a bunch of wierd-looking people talking about things no one cares about, anyway!"

Hibichi: (Makoto) I mean, who cares about the safety of the world anyway?

"Makoto," said Ami. "This is a historic occasion. For the first time, mutant and non-mutant superheroes from all over the world will converge here to discuss important worldwide security issues."

Alexis: Actually, they tend to get completely drunk and forget what they were talking about.

"And..." added Minako. "The X-Men will be there! That Cyclops is such a hunk!"

Alexis: Ugggh! She hasn't seen him in person, has she?
Hibichi: What's wrong with him?
Alexis: He's got a MASSIVE birthmark over his left eye.
Kirin: That explains the glasses.

"WAAAAAAHHH! I won't be able to see him! He's so gorgeous! It's not fair! WAAAAAHHH!"

Hibichi: Hang on... Japanese girls having crushes on American comic book characters? I think I may be ill.
Alexis: I can't believe I'm hearing this from Hentai-boy.
Hibichi: SILENCE GAIJIN!

*** *** ***

Alexis: (British accent) Yes, all the stars are here tonight.

At Tokyo International Airport, a large blue man and his smaller white sidekick were disembarking from a long trip. The larger one was running on adrenaline from all the excitement he felt. The other was suffering from acute jetlag.

Hibichi: Saaaaay...
Alexis: NO.

"Isn't this exciting, chum? Here we are in Japan! O, land of sushi and sumo wrestling; birthplace of virtual pets!"

Kirin:(Tick) How I long to blow it up!
Alexis: No, that would be the work of the Midnight Bomber What Bombs At Midnight.
Kirin: And you would know this because...
Hibichi: Fangirl.
Alexis: Am not! I just keep up on the newsletters!

"Hmm... yeah. Great, Tick."
"To think, we were invited all the way here from The City to be keynote speakers at the Confrence on Mutant Heroism!"

Alexis: Must be dipping the bottom of the barrel this year.

"Tick..." pleaded Arthur, weakly. "I just wanna get some sleep, okay?"

Hibichi: (Arthur) You really know how to take it out of a guy!  *Pow!*
Alexis: Don't even. Ulp, what a thought...

"Excuse me, Mr. Local guy-san," said the Tick. He removed a Jpanese-English dictionary from his pocket as he adressed a passer-by.  "Wah-tah-shee wah Tick! Da-rey wa chee-boo-sah deh-soo-kah?"

Hibichi: YEECH!
Kirin:What? What? What did he say?
Hibichi: MiSTing ettiquette bans me from translating.
Alexis: As opposed to your other lovely comments.
Hibichi: Just filling the Crow role! *Crash!*
Kirin: Hey, we've had a fourth wall this long, let's keep it there!

"Anata no hentai!" exclaimed the local before he stormed off.
"Yes!" answered the Tick. "Anita knows Hundai to you, too!  You see what kind of reception you can get from people when you speak their language, Arthur?"

Kirin: Is he really that dense?
Alexis: Ohhh yeah.

*** *** ***

Hibichi: (Director) No! It's supposed to be birdies, not stars!

Early the following morning, Professor Charles Xavier and three members of his band of mutant heroes, the X-Men, were making last- minute revisions on their speeches.

Kirin: (Cyclops revising his speech) Go... screw... yourselves.

Scott "Cyclops" Summers, Dr. Henry "Beast" McCoy, and Logan, who also went by "Wolverine," were expected to speak along with Prof. X.

Hibichi: They really expect Wolverine to deliver something worthwhile?
Alexis: Actually, he's very literate when you get to know him.
Kirin: So why's he like that in the comic?
Alexis: I never said "sane..."

"You know this ain't my forte, Charlie. Why'd you bring me here?"

Kirin: (Xavier) Because I like to watch you squirm.

"Because, Logan," explained Xavier. "The confrence is being held in Tokyo. You speak the local language. Hearing a message of hope and peace in their own language would make it easier for Japanese mutants to accept what we fight for."

Alexis: Yes, but can he be relied upon to say the same thing to everybody?
Kirin: (Xavier) We bring nothing but peace!
Hibichi: (Wolverine, translating) Ha ha, we're the X-Men and you all suck!

Wolverene grumbled a bit, then snidely remarked to Cyclops,  "Don't look now, Cyke, but that guy over there is wearin' the same thing as you."

Kirin: (falsetto) Oh! How embarrassing!
Hibichi: (Cyclops) Twins!

Cyclops turned and saw the Tick, who was sniffing at a plate of sashimi at the backstage refreshment table. "Wow, Arthur. It almost looks like a piece of octopus tentacle!"

Kirin: Suddenly it reached out and grabbed him by the neck, throttling him.

"Tick," whispered Arthur. "I think it IS part of an octopus tentacle!"
"Egads!"

Alexis: Ee...ee...EE... EGADS!

*** *** ***

Kirin: Tri-Star pictures presents... Mystery Avatar Theater 3000!
Alexis: I thought we were a Best Brains Production.
Kirin: We're neither, really.

The auditorium was filled to capacity.

Kirin: (random superhero) Can't... breath!

Although the majority of the confrence would be for superheroes only, the opening ceremonies were open to the public.

Alexis: They had to keep the peons satisfied, don'tcha know.

Local, national, and international dignitaries gathered in their balcony seats to hear the opening of the confrence. Members of the general populace sat in the seats on the ground level.

Kirin: [random audience member] I paid 30,000 yen for THIS?!

Among the members of the general populace were one Haruka Tenou and one Michiru Kaiou.

Hibichi: How come they get to sit there while none of the other Sailor Senshi were invited?
Alexis: What, no lesbian cracks?
Hibichi: Ehh, it's been done to death.

They sat next to eath other, and on Michiru's other side was a friend of theirs from the United States.

Kirin: *cough*contrived*cough*

"These seats are splendid, Haruka. How were you able to get ahold of them?"

Hibichi: (Haruka) I have my ways, heh heh.
Alexis: Oh, I was wondering when he'd make another comment like that... Kirin, why don't YOU hit him once in a while?
Kirin: Can't be bothered.

"I think our friend had more to do with that than we did. He knows one of the speakers."

Hibichi: Intimately... *whack*
Alexis: I really need to invest in a good weapon. My hand is killing me.
Kirin: Heh heh heh...
Alexis: Don't YOU start!

Michiru turned in surprise to their friend. "Hontoo? Is this true?"
"Oh, yeah. Tick and me go way back. Definitely. Yeah."

Alexis: She's friends with the Sewer Urchin?! God, how could she stand it?
Kirin: You're acting stuck-up.
Alexis: No, honestly, have you ever BEEN around the guy? He's got a stench that could wipe out Brooklyn!

"I think the ceremonies are about to begin," observed Michiru.
"Yeah. Definitely," agreed the Sewer Urchin.

Hibichi: Way-hey! [Notices Alexis glaring at him] I know, I know... [he hits himself]

The mayor of Tokyo began an introductory speech. As the audience was hanging on his every word,

Kirin: (random audience member) HEEELLPPP!!! GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!

Haruka's elbow was rudely shoved from the armrest.
"Excuse me," she said, irritated.
Her arm's place on the armrest was now occupied by that of a large man in a trenchcoad and fedora.

[Alexis and Hibichi stare at Kirin.]
Kirin: Okay, number one, I don't wear a fedora; number two, I'm not that large.

At her words, he turned and glared at her with his red eyes, which starkly contrasted with his pale skin.

Kirin: Oh, gee, I wonder who the villain is in THIS fic...

Haruka Tenou did not scare easily, but his icy look put fear in her heart. They turned back to continue watching the mayor.

Hibichi: Who, noticing a lack of audience attention, began a daring strip-tease.
Alexis: ...

"And now, it is my privilege to introduce the world-famous mutants' rights advocate, the honorable Charles Xavier."

Kirin: (random audience member) Who's that?
Alexis: (random audience member) Dunno; must be a superhero group leader.
Kirin: (random audience member) How can you tell?
Alexis: (random audience member) He hasn't got guts all over him.
Hibichi: Ulp... [looks green]

On cue, Professor X hovered onstage and activated the microphone attatchment on his hoverchair.

Kirin: Yes, the handy-dandy Swiss Army wheelchair! Specially designed for disabled professors. Yours for only six-hundred easy payments of $16.99.

"Thank you, Mister Mayor." He now adressed the poeple who were now watching him, both in the audience and on television. "Honored guests, fellow mutants, Mr. President, Your Majesty, Your Holiness, I have come here today to speak to you..."

Alexis: (Xavier) About the meaning of life. You see folks...
Kirin & Hibichi: [mimic snoring]

Below the podium, underneath the stage, in the sewer system below the auditorium, a madman was hard at work, ranting to himself.

Kirin: (Madman) I keep telling me, put the damn toilet seat down, but nooo...

"Yeah, baby, yeah! So the guy in red tells me, 'How you wanna make a quick fifty bucks?' and I say 'Yeah! Yeah, baby, yeah!' So he says, 'All you gotta do is blow something up for me,' and I say, 'Yeah, yeah! Blowin' up stuff is >the way to go, baby!' Why? 'Cause I'm the Mad Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight, baby!"

Alexis: And there he is, folks.
Hibichi: Did you know he was coming?
Alexis: (smugly) That's for me to know and you to never find out.

"Thank you," concluded Xavier.

Kirin: That was quick.
Alexis: Yeah, I guess life is pretty meaningless.

The crowd rewarded him with a

Kirin: Barrage of tomatoes.

standing ovation that lasted a full three minutes.

Alexis: (random audience member) The best part was when he stopped talking!

The crowd finally calmed down, and the Tick was introduced. He was to speak on what it means to be a superhero.

Alexis: In his own little world...

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am the Tick. For some years now, I've been fighting evildoers and defending freedom in The City. They invited me here today to talk about what it means to be a superhero. I'll tell you folks exactly what it means to me: It's keen!! You get to patrol the streets at night and in the day, and sometimes people will give you discounts on stuff! It's about defending innocent people and smiting bad guys, teaching them not to be such spoiled sports! It means looking the potato of evil right in the eye and say, 'Hey! It's time for some french-fried justice!' "

Kirin: That's so... deep.
Alexis: It wouldn't be so bad, if it wasn't for the fact that he ALWAYS talks like that.
Hibichi: (TV Salesman) Yes! It slices, it dices, it makes french-fried justice!

"Who is this guy?" asked Haruka of Sewer Urchin. "Is he the one you were talking about?"
"Oh, yeah. That's the Tick. Great guy. Yeah. Definitely."

Kirin: (Haruka) Somebody has an odd scale of greatness...
Alexis: More like lowered standards.

The Tick finished his speech. He was given some applause, but it was next to nothing compared to the Professor's roar.

Kirin: (Xavier) Now to hide that applause soundtrack...

Cyclops followed, speaking on responsibility. Beast spoke after him, citing the value of knowledge to superheroes.

Alexis: Which, if the X-Men are anything to judge by, is zippo.

Wolverine stepped up to the podium, about to speak about the X-Men's misson and what the world has to benifit from it. That was when things got interesting.

Alexis: Yes, a speech from Wolverine WOULD be a bit interesting...

The man sitting next to Haruka stood up. In one swift motion, he removed his hat and tore his trenchcoat to shreds.

Hibichi: You know, if he wanted to flash the audience, he could have just opened his coat -- *thump*
Alexis: Shush!

Once its cover was removed, the man stood revealed in his charictaristic red costume with its silvery carbonadium armor. His wild blonde hair, some of which was in a ponytail, came down to his shoulderblades.

[Alexis and Hibichi look at Kirin again.]
Kirin: It's not me!

He was Omega Red.

Kirin: (Smugly) See?
Alexis: Yes, well there is a little thing called secret identities.
Kirin: (sarcastically) Oh, yes, in between cases I go out and terrorize the populace.
Hibichi: Really? Wow, I'd never have guessed.
Kirin: ... Oh, bite me.

"LOGAN!!" he howled.

Kirin: MCBANE!!!
Alexis: STELLAAA!!!
Hibichi: ADRIAANN!!!!
Kirin: MOMMMY!!!

People ran in terror. The X-Men readied themselves to fight the cybernetic mutant who threatened to take innocent lives.

Alexis: And, along with the X-Men, the narration switched into X-Men mode.

"Terrific," said Wolverine, unsheathing his claws. "I thought things were borin' here anyway. Come get some, Arkaday!"

Kirin: Arkaday: The chosen product of all psychotic mutants.

Omega Red smirked and stood still. This left the heroes confused for a split second before the unthinkable happened.

Alexis: Gee. The X-Men. Confused. What a shock.

"Whatcha waitn' for, Red?"
*WHA-BOOM!!*

Kirin: Thus a huge explosion occured and killed everybody, the end.
Alexis: I'd rebuke, but I don't like the X-Men.

The floor beneath Wolverene's feet erupted in an explosive blast caused by a time bomb set to go off at midnight, The City time.

Alexis: I didn't realize The City was in its own time zone.

It was followed by lesser explosions that rocked the auditorium and gave rise to a cloud of dust and ash.

Kirin: (Ash) Where are you Pikachu?
Hibichi: Pokemon? DIE!!! [Whips out his katana]
Kirin: eep!
Alexis: Calm down, there's no Pokemon here, just take it easy.
Hibichi: ... goddamn pests... [Sits down]
Kirin: Incidentally, you mentioned the games last time. What happened?
Hibichi: I was doing some outside research and stumbled upon a few lemons.
Kirin: I see... ulp...

Only three things were heard initially:
"Now I have you, Logan!"
"Uranus Planet Power... Make-up!"
"Neptune Planet Power... Make-up!"

Kirin: Sarcastic elf detective... make-up!
Alexis: One-eyed ex-superheroine... make-up!
Hibichi: Kiss and.... make-up!
Kirin: Hee hee! Good one!
Hibichi: I try.

A few optic lasers, carbonadium flailings, and two sparkling transformations later, the dust settled and none were present except Beast, Cyclops, Tick, Arthur, Professor X, and two seemingly new arrivals.

Kirin: Of course, everybody else in the room had disintegrated in the blast.

Noticing them, Dr. McCoy asked, "Might I inquire as to whom you are and why you are here?"

Kirin: Nobody really knows why we're here. You see, it's all one big --
Alexis: Ixnay!

"I am Sailor Uranus, and this is my partner Sailor Neptune."

Hibichi: ... Nah, too easy.
Alexis: What, something like "In more ways than one?"
Kirin: ALEXIS?!
Alexis: (pouting) Why can't I make smutty jokes once in a while?
Hibichi: ...the hell?

"Fascinating! It would appear that tales of the sailor-suited heroenes in Japan are more than mere urban folklore." Beast was about to contemplate the possible implications when Cyclops broke in.

Hibichi: Some of those implications involved a bucket of Cool-Whip...  *KAPOW!*
Alexis: Now that's a little TOO much.

"Wolverene's gone! We have to find him!"

Alexis: Why?
Kirin: (Cyclops) Good point. Let's go home.
Hibichi: (Somewhat out of it) And they skipped off and lived happily ever after.

"Right!" agreed the Tick. "It's our job to thwart evildoers and restore peace! SPOOOOOOON!!"

Kirin: SPOOORRK!
Alexis: KNIIIIFEE!
Hibichi: KAMEHAMEHA!
Alexis: That's not a utensil...
Hibichi: So what? I've been dying to say it!

With this, he ran backstage and crashed

Kirin: Into a bus, dying on impact, the end.

through a wall. Outside, he began running to nowhere in particular. His words were, however, rousing enough to get Arthur, Sewer Urchin, and the two Sailors to follow.

Kirin: Then they smashed into the wall and fell over unconscious, the end.
Alexis: Two in rapid succession? He must be getting bored.

"Do you think they know where they're going?" asked Scott.
"I doubt they have a clue," answered Hank.

Alexis: Talk about the pot calling the kettle black...

"But we do," said the Professor. "I've just completed a mental sweep of the area. He's in the sewer system, heading north."
"Then that's where we're headed!"

Hibichi: (Freakazoid) I don't want to go in the sewer! It's got poo gas!

*** *** ***

Kirin: All right, no more separation jokes.
Others: Aww...

Logan awoke to find himself chained to a wall. His hypersensitive sense of smell told him quite bluntly that he was in a sewage system.

Kirin: No s#!t, sherlock!

The rancid air filled what seemed to be a large conjunction of tunnels.
"Yeah, baby! We're gonna blow you up! Yeah! That's what we do, 'cause we're BAD! Ya hear me, baby? We're bad to the bone! Yeah!"

All: (Singing) ~Bad to the bone... b-b-b-b-bad to the bone!~

"Good afternoon, Logan. I'm glad to see I have not killed you yet."

Kirin: We aren't.

Wolverine looked at Omega Red, then at the Mad Midnight Bomber. "So this is what you're reduced to workin' with, Arkaday? What kind of freak is he, anyway?"

Hibichi: A Freakazoid!
Alexis: That's enough of that.

"Yeah! I'm a freak, baby! I'm the Mad Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight!"

Kirin: Austin Powers IS the Mad Midnight Bomber in "Tsuki ni Kawatte -- SPOON, Bub!"

Omega Red walked slowly up to his captive and spoke in a most ominous tone. "If I remember, you have hyperhuman healing abilities, da?"

Alexis: Ya, sure, y'betcha.

"So what, bub?"
"So, I will be able to torture you and keep you alive in agony far longer than with anyone else. You will beg me for death before I finally end my pleasure with your demise."

Hibichi: Ah, a sado-masochist!

A voice called out from the shadows. "Not if we have anything to say about it!"

Kirin: (Darkwing Duck) I am the terror that flaps in the night!

"Watch it, Cyke!" warned Wolverine. "He's got a sidekick!"

Hibichi: IfyaknowwhatImean! *WHACK-A-ROONIE!* [Hibichi flies to the back of the theater.]
Kirin: How did you make THAT sound effect?
Alexis: Talent.

It was too late.

Kirin: The villains broke out the Uzis and shot them all, the end.
Alexis: (The Bishop) We was too late. The X-Men have seen de light.

"Yeah, baby!" exclaimed the Bomber as he tossed a small bundle of explosives at the trio of X-Men.

Alexis: (Bomber) Hot Potato!

Professor Xavier was thrown from his hoverchair and knocked unconsious.

Kirin: But he really wasn't, he just didn't want to do the hard work.
Alexis: As always.

Omega Red took the advantage provided by the momentary confusion. He extended his carbonadium tendrils and began strangling Cyclops and the Beast. Both X-Men were on the brink of unconsiousness when...

Hibichi: (Staggering back) Alexis hit him.
Alexis: Now don't be bitter. This is for your own good.
Kirin: Hang on... tendrils... is this turning into a tentacle lemon?
[Pause]
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!

"DEEP SUBMERGE!!"

Kirin: MOUKO TAKABISHA!
Alexis: SUUUUUURGE!
Hibichi: REDWAALLLLL!!!
Kirin: The hell?!

...a blast of saltwater hit the Russian mutant from behind, knocking him off balance and causing him to loose his grip on the other two.

Kirin: I wasn't aware Redwall made it over to Japan.
Hibichi: You'd be surprised what kind of Western crap makes it to our shores.
Alexis: And vice versa.

As Beast and Cyclops struggled to their feet, the villain asked,
"Who are you?"
"Invited by a new age, I am the Warrior of the Skies, Sailor Uranus, acting gorgeous!"

Kirin: (Sailor Uranus) Strike a pose, girls!

"Likewise, invited by the new age, I am the Warrior of the Sea, Sailor Neptune, acting gracefully!"

Kirin: She then tripped and broke her neck, the end.

"I am the Tick! I am mighty!"

Hibichi: Mighty dumb?
Alexis: Mighty clueless?
Kirin: Mighty Paramesium Brained?
[The others stare at him]

There was a short moment when Omega Red simply stared at the three, who were accompanied by Arthur and the Sewer Urchin.

Alexis: Coming up on Children's Theater: Arthur and the Sewer Urchin, a touching tale about a boy and the urchin he loved.
Hibichi: That doesn't sound like it's for children...
Alexis: UGH! GROSS!

He had seen and dispatched a large number of would-be heroes, but none as rediculous as they.

Alexis: This from a guy who's last name is red...
Kirin: Oh joy. Another grammar flame.
Alexis: It's just so easy!

"A parasite, two girls in sailor suits, a spiked sea animal, and a bunny man..."

Kirin: Coming up next on Jerry Springer!

"I'm a moth!" yelled Arthur, deploying his wings.

Alexis: (Arthur to wings) Go my pretties! HA HA HA!

"You'll be dead!" With this, Omega Red grabbed him with his tendrils...

All: AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!
Alexis: Oh, thanks a lot, Kirin!

"Not in the face! Not in the face!"

Alexis: (Arthur) Oh! My make-up is simply ruined!
Hibichi: Moth-boy... make-up!

...and flung him at Cyclops, incapacitating the both of them.

[They stare at the screen.]
Kirin: That was... pathetic.
Alexis: Indeed.
Hibichi: I'm lost...

"Yeah, baby, yeah! We're bad!" A number of bombs were tossed at the heroes, but they scattered early, and were able to avoid the blasts.

All: Oh. Gee. We're so surprised.

"Yeah. Bad. Very bad. Definitely bad." Sewer Urchin ran off in the tunnel they had used to reach Omega Red's lair.

Kirin: But Omega Red saw him and -- *whack* Hey! What're you hitting ME for?
Alexis: No more "Dark" jokes!

"I had no idea he was such a coward," commented Sailor Uranus with a frown. "I've lost all respect for him now."

Alexis: How'd you respect him in the first place?

She then turned her attention to the Mad Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight. "Now it's time to deal with you."

Alexis: Ante up!

And she did.  "WORLD SHAKING!!"

All: (Singing) ~ I felt the earth move, under my feet...~

A ball of energy resembling the planet Uranus,

Hibichi: *snicker*
Alexis: You really are juvenile, you know that?

complete with rings and tilted rotational axis, tore through the ground and finally exploded beneath the Bomber's feet.

Kirin: (Astrology teacher) Next, we shall talk about the rings around Uranus.
Hibichi: Ha ha ha!
Alexis: KIRIN! Don't encourage him!

Arthur and Cyclops had recovered and were now reentering the frey as Tick and Beast simultaniusly pummeled on Omega Red.

Alexis: And in the midst of battle, the spell-checker broke!

"ENOUGH!" commanded the mutant warrior.

All: Oh, get bent.

He began flailing his arms wildly,

Alexis: Robbie the Robot is Omega Red in "Tsuki Ni Kawatte!"
Kirin: (Robbie) Danger, Will Robinson!

along with the carbonatium tentacles that extended from hsi wrists. Whiping, swinging, and flogging, the raging >reclic of red Russia beat all his opponents nearly into submission.

Alexis: What's a reclic?
Kirin: A large, mean mutant who INCIDENTALLY has not a drop of elfin blood in them.
Hibichi: Hee hee hee... I could see another nasty joke in that last paragraph.
Alexis: Don't say it if you treasure your life.

"And now, it is time for you all to say 'dous vedanya!' "

Kirin: Whatever the hell that means.

He activated his natural mutant power, his dreaded Death Factor.

Alexis: New Death Factor: Make-up for the condemned.
Hibichi: Big Red Elf-boy... make-up!
Kirin: You are going to die very slowly and painfully for that, my friend.
Hibichi: Ha! Sado-masochistic tendancies! He is Omega Red!
Kirin: DIE, SQUIRT!
Hibichi: Eeek!
[Hibichi gets up and runs away, with Kirin close on his heels.]
 

He emitted vast quantities of his toxic pheramone, and soon his lair was filled.

Alexis: Poison: The new fragrance from L'Oreal.
[Various fighting noises are heard in the background.]

Anyone who was still standing soon fell to their knees, clutching their throats and gasping for air as his airborn neurotoxin took effect.

Alexis: [Looking around for Kirin] Heh, missed his chance.

Wolverene was partially immune, but even he began to fade.

Alexis: (Wolverine) Old mutants don't die, they just faaaade away...
[Kirin returns to his seat. A lock of hair has come loose from his ponytail.]
Alexis: Where's hentai boy?
Kirin: He'll be along shortly... whether we like it or not.

He looked helplessly and growled in frustration as he could do nothing but watch his friends die.

Kirin: Cue cheesy sad music.

"Yeah. Geronimo. Defninitely."

Alexis: No, actually it's Sitting Bull.
[Hibichi staggers back, looking the worst for wear.]
Kirin: No more Omega Red jokes?
Hibichi: Nope. I'm not repeating that experience.

Logan saw a purple figure drop from a hole in the ceiling and latch itself onto Arkaday's back.

Hibichi: Darkwing!

"Who are you?! Why aren't you dying."

Kirin: Because famous people never die!
Alexis: (singing) ~Fame! I'm gonna live forever...~

"Just me. Yeah. Sewer Urchin. Thought I'd drop in. Defninitely."

Alexis: Yes, DO DROP IN! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Hibichi: (shudders) You freak me out when you do that.
Alexis: Well, I've had a lot of examples.

With the conclusion of this brief intorduction, he began emitting his own smell.

Alexis: (Like a foghorn) BeeeeeeOoooooo...

"Augh! What are you... ugh... can't... loose like... like this... nyet... ugh... hnrn..."

Kirin: Can't... breath... must... speak like... Shatner...
Alexis: This from the sworn enemy of cliches.
Kirin: Oh, go to hell.

*** *** ***

Hibichi: (Singing) ~Starlight Express...~
Kirin: I said NO!

"Yeah. Then I followed an alternate route. Yeah. Got the drop on him. Defninitely got the drop," explained the Urchin.
"But how were you able to defeat him?" asked Cyclops, sipping a soft drink. The entire group was gathered in the X-Men's suite at the Tokyo Hilton.

Hibichi: Each had a cigarette in hand.
Alexis: Is that implying what I think it is?
Hibichi: Uhhh... Nope! Nope! Not at all! [Looks innocent]
Kirin: He meant it, all right.

"I beleive he was able to produce a pheramone similar to the manner in which Omega Red was," answered Beast. "None of us were affected by it because he was able to produce it in a far more concentrared, localized form."
"English, Hank," requested Wolverene.

Kirin: (Beast) Yes, Wolverine. It was said in English. Good boy!

"Yeah. I outstank him. Definitely."
"Sewer Urchin-sama," said Sailor Uranus. "I'm sorry. I apologise for doubting you."

Alexis: You really did win "Stinkiest Man of the Year" at your high school reunion!

"Yeah. No problem."
"You know, Arthur," spoke the Tick, begining another of his trademark moral-of-the-story commentaries. "I guess it just goes to show that it takes more than a fancy costume to make a hero, but at the same time, it takes a lot less. All you need is a will to do good and the courage to do it. It doesn't matter what side of the ocean you grow up in, or if you have any powers with spiffy names like 'Deep Submerge' or 'Crescent Beam' or 'Billy Bob Thornton.' All it takes is the heart and the desire to stand up and say, 'Yes, villainy has gone too far! Yes, we need some of that oregano called law and order! Spice me up, man!'"

Kirin: Snoorrre...
Hibichi: Listening to the Tick's speechs really make me hungry.

"You got any idea what he's talkin' about, Hank?"
"To quote Polonius, Logan, 'Tho this be madness, yet there be method in't.' "

Kirin: And that, I feel, is an excellent description of this fanfic.

(They exit.)

[Reverse sequence: 1-2-3-4-5-6]

SoA

Alexis opened the critiques this time. "Well everybody?"

Kirin nodded. "Not bad at all. It could have been another cheesy superhero crossover, but the addition of the Tick made it all gel that much better."
"
He got the characterization right for the most part as well," added Hibichi. "Complete with OTT Tick speeches."

"Uh, explain the term 'OTT' for the unknowing out there, Hibichi," Alexis said.

"OTT: Over the top," explained Hibichi.

Alexis nodded. "Okay, then we're agreed. Whoops, here's the Bodg again," she said, opening communications.
 

Castle Bodger

Bodger looked slightly humbled. "Um, hi guys. I've been doing some thinking..."
 

SoA

'Must not say it, must not say it,' the trio thought. "What's up?" asked Alexis.
 

Castle Bodger

Bodger scratched the back of her head. "Well, I've lived in England for two years, and I suddenly realized that by taking Kirin's stash, I'm pretty much reverting to my preaching ways," she explained sheepishily.
 

SoA

Kirin looked hopeful. "Does this mean that..."
 

Castle Bodger

Bodger smiled. "Check out your room, Kirin."
 

SoA

Kirin all but flew to his bedroom. Not soon afterwards he came back, looking slightly dispirited (no pun intended). "ONE bottle?"
 

Castle Bodger

"Well, it was taking up so much useless space. Just let me know when you're out and I'll send up another bottle -- just so long as I haven't already done so that week. Everything's okay in moderation, you know," Bodger said.
 

SoA

Kirin groaned. "No more preaching, she says..."

END!!!

Legal Blathering

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) by Best Brains Inc. All rights reserved.
Sailor Moon is owned by Naoko Takeuchi.  X-Men are owned by Marvel and Stan Lee.  I have no idea who owns the Tick, but he's a damned lucky person whoever he is.
All MSTers in this fic belong to me. Nyeah!
"Tsuki Ni Kawatte... SPOON, Bub!" is the property of Jason Tucker. No offense is intended by the MiSTing of this fic. Actually, all things considered, it's pretty good -- it's just a tad contrived.
All comments, criticisms and (hopefully few) flames should be sent to: bodgerkirin@hotmail.com

Bodger's Notes:

Second MiST, and already things are looking up. Thanks again to Amanda for the one-liners and spell/grammar check (she was watching this time). I liked this story -- I really did!
 

along with the carbonatium tentacles that extended from hsi wrists. Whiping, swinging, and flogging, the raging reclic of red Russia beat all his opponents nearly into submission.