We'll include the original C&C first.
Here, direct from the MiSTing,
was our comments:
> "Time for the constructive part -- anything to say,
Alexis?" asked
>Kirin.
> "Hmm... Well, the story idea wasn't too bad, and
as far as crossovers
>go it was at least partially believable, but..." Alexis trailed
off.
> "But?" prodded Kirin.
> "But there was something really juvenile about
the writing style.
>In addition, there never seemed to be any clear-cut way of telling
who
>was speaking in a conversation. I mean, I know that Xahji was
aiming
>for a 'spontaneous conversation,' of sorts, but you at least have
to
>indicate who's speaking first!"
> "What about the grammar flames?"
> "Oh, that was just me being mean."
> "Ah." Kirin nodded. "What about you,
Hibichi?"
> Hibichi thought for a moment. "I agree with
most of what Alexis said.
>Sometimes, it felt like we were reading out of a young reader's book.
>Xahji did get the characters down for the most part, however."
> "And the hentai comments?"
> "Dunno. I was bored, I guess."
And now we'll elaborate. Kirin?
Kirin: Gee, I never did get to give my comments on that fic.
Oh well.
Basically, as a plot premise we've seen far worse -- at least Xahji
didn't stretch the dynamics of the various worlds to get this story.
We
can believe that there is a possibility that the Tenchi folk and the
Nuku
Nuku folk do, in fact, live in the same world. Likewise, there is a
reasonable plot idea -- a mutation as the result of a chemical formula,
and
the search for a cure. Not the most original, to be certain, but when
executed right it could work. But it's not fleshed out. It's long,
but it's
not fleshed out. A good story along this lines should have a few more
plot
twists, but this one is too straight-forward and frankly not that exciting.
It should also be noted that visual humor is rarely funny when written
(unless, of course, it is described in painstaking detail); therefore,
the
leeches and lakes scenes don't work. I think the main complaint here
is depth;
the story is superficial. Well, I think that about does it for me,
how about
you, Alexis?
Alexis: Right. Well, my main complaint grammatically is that the whole
story seems very... youthful, I guess. It's almost like reading a story
that a fourth grader wrote, with little variation in language and somewhat
poor grammer. Another major problem is that it assumes that the reader's
stream of consciousness is along the same lines as that of the author's.
During the conversations, you can never actually tell who's saying
what;
you're forced to go along with vague hints, and if the reader has no
prior
experience to either Nuku-Nuku or Tenchi Muyo then you end up just
being
lost. It's not as bad a problem as it could be, but it's still a problem.
Even if you are going to include conversations like this, you should
indicate
every so often who's speaking. This isn't so vital when there's only
two
people in a conversation, but when there's three or more this is absolutely
vital. Even just having a person say a name would help. That's all
from me,
now over to you Hibichi.
Hibichi: Geez, I wish I could get that deep... As far as the characters
go they're in character; there isn't any real major mangling (unlike
SOME
fics we've read...). But there isn't any depth, either. You don't get
a
handle on any of these characters. Even if it's a humor fic it still
needs
some three-dimensionality to the characters, and that's a quality these
people
lack. We can be thankful, however, that it doesn't use the normal Tenchi
stereotypes -- mainly, the Aeka/Ryoko fights, the "Ryoko fawns over
Tenchi"
scenes, etc. Still, they're static, and therefore uninteresting. Well,
I'm
done.
Alexis: Overall rating for Nuku Nuku and the Werecabbit:
Story: 5
Language: 4
Characterization: 6
Depth: 3
Overall: 4. Slightly below average. Needs more depth;
dialogue is unclear.
Now before you jump down my throat over this justifying
yourself, I offer
you this little disclaimer: THIS IS JUST OUR OPINIONS.
It's not gospel fact,
it's just some friendly advice. Hell, for all we know this is
the fanfic
equivalent of Moby Dick and we just can't comprehend this. But
it is intended
to allow a writer to look closer at their works without having to read
the
MiSTings. One extra note: this is apparently an early work
of the author's,
and he (or she, we're still not entirely certain about that) may well
have improved
greatly since then.
That's all for now; tune in next week, where we'll
cover Tsuki Ni Kawatte...
SPOON, Bub! See ya!