This was first of what was originally intended to be a long line of Freon fics MiSTed.  However, shortly after the posting of Mystery Trooper Theater 3000, things became rather... strained between the two of us.  Partially out of respect for my readers and whatever respect I have left for Freon, I stopped MiSTing his works.

Which means, of course, they're still up for grabs.

At any rate, Baka-Con II was one my favorite MiSTings, but now is one of my least.  That's not to say I don't think it was good for the time -- I wouldn't have liked it so much if that were the case, and the first appearance of proper host segments is enough to keep it in a special place in my heart.  But it was disturbing enough beforehand without actually getting to know the guy.

Therefore, a tip, ladies and gentlemen -- never, EVER get too close to a guy or gal who writes Mary Sue fics that you've MiSTed.  You may find out fiction resembles fact a little closer than you'd like.  Nuff said.

(If it sounds like I'm bitter here... you're probably right. >_<)

********************
Beginning transmission...
MiSTing #4
MiSTed Fic:  Baka-Con II:  The Search for Chicks
MiSTing Status:  Extremely disturbed
********************

Theme Song!!! (Tee hee...)

In the not-so-distant future,
(Bodger: Not soon enough, for me...)
A timid writer found a source
Of new hilarity!

Bodger: A mockery of stupid posts
And lousy fiction found from coast to coast!
I'll do my own, it'll be a lot of fun
And perhaps someday I'll have the greatest MiSTings ever run!
(Others: Yeah, right.)

So looking for some victims
But lacking in this place,
She just took her own characters
And shot THEM into space!

Now bear in mind that Mike and Joel
And all the rest are fine...
But Bodger chose to use these (Crow 2: FOUR!)
Since they're all from the same mind! (Crow 2: Almost...)

Role Call!

Bodger! (Bwahahahaha.)
Kirin! (Dark is fun!)
Alexis! (Woman power!)
Crow 2! (Deal with it.)
Hibiiiiichi! (Saaaaay...)

If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
And other science facts
Remember they're all fictional (All: HEY!)
So sit back and relax

For Mystery Avatar Theater, 3000! *thunk*
 

SoA
 

[Camera shot. Crow 2's head pops in from off-screen.]

Crow 2: Hello out there, and welcome to the Satellite of Avatars!

[Zoom back. It's a half body shot of Crow 2 now.]

Crow 2:We'd like to take this time to introduce you to our brand-new script format! Yes sir, no more of those overly lengthy descriptions of people. This new format goes straight to the--
Alexis: (off-screen) What the hell are you doing, Crow 2?

[Alexis comes on screen. She looks towards the camera.]

Alexis: What the HELL is that thing?
Crow 2: Please Alexis! Don't talk that way to the camera. It offends him!

[The screen moves up and down as if nodding in agreement.]

Alexis: You've been fiddling around with it, haven't you?
Crow 2: Well, being the only robot on board is a tad depressing, you know, so I figured what the hell -- I'll make one! So, I built him: Cambot 2!
Kirin: (OS) Cambot 2?

[Kirin comes into shot.]

Kirin: Oh wow! That's amazing! How'd you do it, Crow 2?
Crow 2: Oh, a little of this, a little of that. My prototype was the technical genius, you know!
Kirin: But... I thought Joel was the one that made the bots...

[The camera suddenly shoots sparks and blows. The screen goes dark.]

Everybody stared at the camera. "Well, so much for THAT brilliant idea," murmured Alexis.

"Hmm... must have been a few kinks in the wiring," Crow 2 mused.

"Noooo..." Kirin replied sarcastically.

"Well, no time to worry about that -- MAD TV is calling," Alexis said, pushing the message light.
 

Castle Bodger
 

"No no no, it's like this: SOMEDAY, THEY'LL ALL PAY!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

"Someday, they'll all pay. Bwahahahaha!"

"Argh, you're not getting the nuances at all..."

"Well, give me a break! I'm new at this!" Bodger suddenly noticed the screen. "Oh hello, my faithful characters! I'm just taking some 'how to be evil' lessons here. I don't think I've quite struck fear into your hearts yet." She indicated a shady looking character wearing a hood sitting in front of her.
 

SoA
 

"I never realized that was your intent," Alexis replied, slightly puzzled.
 

Castle Bodger
 

"But of course! The whole point of being a mad is to be a generally evil little you-know-what!" explained Bodger.

"No no no, when you're an evil villain you're supposed to actually SAY the words, not blank them out!" the shady figure said testily.
 

SoA
 

"Well, you could have fooled us. We always assumed you were just doing this for your own private amusement," said Kirin. "I mean, it states specifically so in the theme so--"
 

Castle Bodger
 

"Fourth wall! Fourth wall!"
 

SoA
 

"Sorry." Kirin looked sheepish.
 

Castle Bodger
 

"Well anyway, your fic today is an item so dubious, it's amazing that the Feminists haven't ripped it apart by now! It's called "Baka-Con II: The Search for Chicks," and it's all about the adventures of a self-insert looking for a 'good time,' if you get my drift." Bodger cackled, than whispered to her teacher, "How's that?"

The teacher pulled his hand down his face. "Better," he replied. "Just send them the damn fic."
 

SoA
 

"AAAAAAHHH!!! WE'VE GOT SELF-INSERT SIGN!!!"

[Door Sequence:
    Door 6: It's a vault door, complete with combination lock.
    Door 5: It's the self-insertion hall of infamy! (Marrissa seems to have a wing all to herself.) You browse it and move on.
    Door 4: A flock of cosplay girls. Alexis bowls right past them.
    Door 3: It's a huge boulder. You say, "Open Sesame!" and it moves aside magically.
    Door 2: It's anime girls! Or rather, normal girls dressed as them.  Alexis drags the others along as they stare dazed.
    Door 1: It's an average theater entrance.]

Alexis: I hope that's as bad as it gets.
Kirin: Wait a second...

BAKA-CON II THE SEARCH FOR CHICKS

Alexis: I... BEG your PARDON?
Kirin: Whoops...
Hibichi: Now she's on full feminism alert.

By Kintaro Amano

Hibichi: Wasn't that a Mortal Kombat character?
Kirin: I didn't realize the Final Fantasy artist wrote fanfics.

Part I

Hibichi: Yeah! Part-I down!
Kirin: Don't mock the roman numerals.
 

Baka-Con, the exploited frontier...

Kirin: Here we see yet another result of white man's enfringement upon the land.

This is the voyage of Kintaro Freon, his 2-night mission to seek out new life and new cosplay girls...

Kirin: To boldly go where no fanboy has gone before . . .
Hibichi: Yeah: a girl's bedroom.
Alexis: Grrr...

To boldly go where most otakus have never gone before!!!

Kirin: Whoops... riffing backlash.

BAKA-CON II THE SEARCH FOR CHICKS!

Kirin: Just think: If we find enough of them, some day this chicken farm will be swamped in cash!
Alexis: Grrr...

"Freon's Log, Earth Date 042399. I have entered the Doubletree Inn Southcenter in the Seattle suburb of Tukwila. Despite the fact I am staying at a cheap place near the airport, I have my plans well in hand for eating like an otaku, playing like an otaku, living like an otaku, and making love...something most otakus could only wish of doing.

Hibichi: Come on, Alexis, take deep breaths...
Alexis: Grrr...

"Thankfully, I am not a victim of the current otaku epidemic known as 'Otaku Funk'.

Kirin: I hated the Eighties, after all.

I plan on finding a good and young otaku chick to get between the sheets with.

Hibichi: Saaaaay...
Kirin: I think a livestock joke is out of the question for this one.
Alexis: Grrr...

Well, maybe not TOO young or else my next relations will be with 'Big Bubba' at the King County Justice >Center!

Kirin: President Clinton is visiting the Justice Center?
Alexis: Grrr...
Hibichi: Something's wrong... she hasn't made any riffs for several lines now.

I shudder at the very thought.

Hibichi: Hey, whatever suits your fancy...
Alexis: GRRR...

"My next entrance is in the Dealer's Room. I have found something I like..."

Kirin: It was a hard choice between the heroin and the speed, but in the end I played it safe and took the marijuana.
Hibichi: Congratulations, you've alienated the anti-drug people.

(Freon walks up to table)

Kirin: (Freon to table) So, baby, what's your sign?
 

Freon: How much for that plush Yurika?

Alexis: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... [Gets up and kicks screen; a hole appears.]
Kirin: This is getting progressively worse.

Man at table: 12 dollars.

Kirin: Twelve dolla!

Freon: Sweet. (money changes hands, Freon is now in possession of plush Yurika)

Hibichi: Cartman IS Freon in "Baka-Con II: The Quest for Chicks!"

"Just what I always wanted, a plush Yurika. Now to proceed with my mission..."

(Freon walks toward viewing rooms, sees beautiful young cosplayer dressed as Yurika)

Kirin: Eureka? That was a dumb show. I liked the bat, though.
Hibichi: No no no...

Freon: (thinks) Hmmmm...I'll see her tonight!

Alexis: Yeeeeeearrrrrghh! [Begins clawing screen]
Kirin: Oh, that does it.
[Kirin knocks Alexis out and all exit theater.]

[Door sequence: 1-2-3-4-5-6]

"Did you really have to do that?" asked Hibichi incredulously.

"Either that or have her trash the entire screen, and I'M not paying for replacements," Kirin replied. He looked down at Alexis. "Sorry, girl."

Crow 2 came in with a bunch of spare parts. "Out already? Hey, I think I figured out what I did wrong with Cambot 2! You see, the red wire was... uh, why are you looking at me like that?"

Hibichi smiled slightly maliciously. "Well, Alexis is kinda out for the count, and so basically that means we need another MiSTer to fill the nit-picker role."

Crow 2's eyes widened for a moment. Then he began to rummage through the parts.

Kirin, puzzled, asked, "What are you doing?"

"Looking for a gumball machine! I'm not suited for nit-picking!" Crow 2 replied slightly frantically.

"Oh no, we're not ripping off TWO MST3K characters. Just change your programming set a bit."

"Do I have to?"

"YES," both Kirin and Hibichi replied at once.

"Why?! We could have a lot more fun without a nitpicker!" Crow 2 whined.

"Because the censors would eat us alive if we didn't."

"*sigh* Fine. I don't get paid enough for this..." Crow 2 followed them back into the theater.

[Door Sequence: Rewritten!
    Door 6: The vault door again.
    Door 5: The self-insertion hall of fame. Bodger has a very small picture on the wall. You restrain a laugh and move on.
    Door 4: The cosplay girls are all still unconscious. You walk over them.
    Door 3: The boulder again, except this time you have to say, "Doshi yuroshiku" to open it.
    Door 2: The anime girls now have their anime boyfriends with them.  You smile nervously and sidestep them.
    Door 1: The theater entrance.]

[From L-R:  Kirin, Crow 2, Hibichi]

Crow 2: So how do I do this exactly?
Kirin: Any time it seems like we're about to say something inappropriate, butt in.
Crow 2: ... this is gonna suck...

(Bishounen man from the NORVANA delegation approaches Freon, sees Yurika in Freon's arm)

Kirin: He got it IN his arms? He must have gotten her from that drug dealer.

Bish man: You look so cute with that plushie in your arm.

Crow 2: (Bish man) Goochie goochie goo!

Freon: Oh, $%#@!

Hibichi: How would you pronounce that?
Crow 2: What, you mean $%#@!?
Hibichi: O_O Whoa.

(Freon runs off)

Kirin: Run, Freon, run!
Crow 2: (sings) o/~ Born free... o/~
 

"The con is still young..."

Hibichi: But a few years in jail oughta age him quickly!

Part II
 

BAKA CON II: THE SEARCH FOR CHICKS continues...

Kirin: (ala metal detector) Beep... beep... beep...

"Freon's Log...I had just come out of a rousing fanfic panel with me as one of the panelists.

Crow 2: Oh, it was jolly fun indeed!
Hibichi: Very witty Wilde, very very witty!

I'd say I would've been very eloquent if I didn't have to cuss out that one guy who says fanfics are better than original fics and that Hikaru Ichijou could beat up Mackenzie Genius in a street fight.

Kirin: Oh, but you cussed him out so ELEGANTLY!

As I'm walking out I find a plainly fair young miss with short hair and a seifuku like Hitomi wore in 'The Vision of Escaflowne'.

Crow 2: But she had breath like you wouldn't believe. PEEE-YEEW!

She seems to remember me...good thing I bought that Kintaro Amano name badge a week ago..."

Kirin: I mean, it had that coffee stain on it, plus the dog had chewed it up a bit, but it was still RELATIVELY readable...

Hitomi Girl: Are you Kintaro Amano, the writer of "Blue Star of Namiya"?

Hibichi: (Waggles eyebrows) Among other things, yes. *WHACK!* OW! Man, that hurts worse than when Alexis does it!

Freon: Why yes I am. Are you a fan of my work, young miss?

Kirin: (Girl) No, I was just asking. See ya!

Hitomi Girl: (smiles) Yes, Amano-sempai!

Hibichi: Good thing Alexis isn't here, or she'd be suffering an aneurysm by now.

"Who's da man?!"

Kirin: Sure as hell ain't you.

Freon: Who's your favorite character?

Kirin: (Girl) Well, I like Kirin Torak the most -- oh, you mean from YOUR story!
Hibichi: Oh, sure, shamelessly plug yourself.
Kirin: Heh heh heh...

Hitomi Girl: I like Captain Mack! He's so bish! I hope he gets Queen Namiya! And what's this I hear about a new series? I believe you call it "Chad &amp; Crystal", right?

Crow 2: (Freon) Believe what you like, sister. I actually call it "Clam Chowder."

"Huh? How does she know that?"

Crow 2: She's not real. She's actually a representation in your mind's eye of your more feminine side.
Kirin: Somebody's been watching Fight Club again...

Freon: Where'd ya hear that?

Crow 2: (singing) o/~ I heard it through the grape vine... o/~

Hitomi Girl: (embarrassed) I'm a lurker on OMANG. I joined the list just so I could witness you and your brilliant work.

Kirin: So that's what a lurker is.
Hibichi: I guess that makes Bodger a lurker on the Dibs List for Web Site Number Nine.
Bodger's Voice: Oh, shut up! I'll submit something eventually!

"I hope this girl is not a stalker...but why look a gift horse in the mouth?"

Kirin: Because that mouth is full of diamonds?
Crow 2: I wouldn't touch anything that was in a horse's mouth. Bleach!

Freon: I'm flattered, baby! Yes, I might come out with "Chad &amp;Crystal", my new series that mixes spy shows with the kitsch of "Beverly Hills Teens".

Crow 2: Shameless plug! Shameless plug! Off with his head!

Hitomi Girl: (giggles) I used to watch that show. I thought it was cool back then.

Kirin: (Girl) But there's something really unappealing about watching forty-year olds talking teen talk these days...

(notices Yurika plushie in Freon's arm) Hey, there's something I wanna give ya...

Hibichi: Saaaaaay...
Crow 2: Hibichi...

"Is it a kiss?"

Kirin: (Girl) Ch'yeah, you wish.

Freon: What might it be?

Crow 2: If this is a song cue, I'm outta here.

Hitomi Girl: (reaches into bag and gives him a Hitomi plushie) Lookie!  It's me! Now Yurika has a friend!

Kirin: Actually, as it turned out, the Yurika plushie was rather antisocial and tried to have as little as possible with the Hitomi plushie as possible, thus triggering a very bizarre story that's probably a hell of a lot better written than this one.

Freon: (takes plushie under his arm) Aw, thank you.

Hibichi: (Freon) Damn. And I thought I was gonna get some.
Crow 2: [almost hits Hibichi] Actually, that's probably about what he was thinking...

"This girl's cute. She's a tad bit off, but FDR never put into law that crazy people shouldn't breed!"

Kirin: Franklin Delano Roosevelt?  Wow, I don't remember THAT as part of the New Deal. . .
Crow 2: A tad bit off? Maybe you should check her pull-by date.

Hitomi Girl: (steps closer to him) Amano-sempai, can I ask you a question?

Freon: Ask away, babe!

Kirin: (Girl) Why do hot dogs come in packages of ten and hot dog buns come in packages of eight?

Hitomi Girl: If I was the girl of your dreams, where would you take me?

Hibichi: (Freon) I'd take you anywhere, anytime. Hell, I'll take you right now! *CLANG!*
Crow 2: I miss making comments like that...

"What an appropriate thing to ask a future travel agent..."

Kirin: (Freon) Can I interest you in our lovely travel package to the Rock of Gibraltar? It's fun for all the family!

Freon: (puts hand on her shoulder) (preppie accent) Dahling, I would take you on a Caribbean cruise far away from our troubles!

Crow 2: (Freon) But I'd have to get a babysitter for them though . . .

Hitomi: (blushes) On the Otaku Love Boat?

Kirin: (singing) o/~ Exciting and new... come aboard! o/~

Freon: (sweatdrop) Eh, actually, I was thinking Celebrity would be a good line.

Hibichi: Really? I prefer, "I need to be in bed by ten or else I'll have to go home."

But then I'd have to get you a pretty dress and...

Crow 2: (Freon)  . . .And then I'd actually have to make a COMMITMENT, or something!
Hibichi:  I'll bet ya if he got her a kimono, she'd love him for life.

Hitomi: (bats eyelashes) Oh, come on... (smiles)

Kirin: (baseball announcer) Annnnnd they're outta there!  Hitomi Girl's slammed those eyelashes right out of the stadium!  My oh my!

Freon: (chuckles) Okay, Otaku Love Boat it is...

Crow 2: Okay, but if Robert Urich shows up I'm out of here.

"This girl is going to be my undoing. But if I can get me some between-the-sheet time, I don't give a Panamax Standard* god damn!"

Crow 2: Is that like a Cinamax Special Feature?
Kirin: Maybe the star will elucidate.

Hitomi: (kisses Freon on the cheek) You're so sweet!

Hibichi: (Hitomi) VERY sweet . . .
Kirin: (Freon) OW! You bit my cheek!

"Oooh, that kiss kick-started the generator!"

Crow 2: I've been trying to get that started for ages! Thanks!

Freon: If it's not too much trouble for a track team girl like you, how about we walk over to the Burger King and get some lunch?**

Kirin: (Hitomi) BURGER King? Gee, if I had realized you were such a cheap bastard, I wouldn't have bothered speaking to you!

Hitomi: I'd love that!

Crow 2:  But then, she also loved Yanni music, Andromeda and frontal lobotomies.

"Off to a good start...I just hope that guy from NORVANA don't come and ruin things."

Kirin: And so, naturally, he appeared right at that moment.
Hibichi: (Bish Man) Oh wow! How about we make a threesome? *CLANG!* [normal] I didn't mean that in a DIRTY way!
Crow 2: Give it up -- I think in exactly the same way you do.

TO BE CONTINUED Part III

Kirin: It continues . . .
Hibichi: Oh! It's the explanation!

*"Panamax" is a dimension standard used in shipping. Basically if a ship is built to that standard, it can fit >through the Panama and Suez Canals.

Kirin: What about the root canal? *CLANG!* Hey! You're supposed to only hit people if they make dirty comments!
Crow 2: I'M playing the nit-picker around here -- I decide who I want to hit!

Of course in the quest for the almighty dollar, a few passenger and freight lines have thrown the standards out the window and have created megaships so big, they can't fit through the canals (ie: "Regina Maersk", "Carnival Destiny") but that's a different story altogether.

Hibichi: Yeah right, you commie bastard.

**In relation to the Doubletree Inn Southcenter in Tukwila, Washington, the Burger King is about a 1/3 mile walk at the most. Not a short jaunt but certainly no mean feat.

Kirin: It's just slightly cruel. *CLANG!* OUCH! Man, I miss Alexis already!
Crow 2: Leave the puns to the experts!

Part III
 

We now return to Baka-Con II: The Search for Chicks

Kirin: And now, it's time for a commercial break.

"Freon's Log...The Hitomi Girl and I have walked through Tukwila and are now at the Burger King enjoying a fine American lunch.

Hibichi: *snickers*
Crow 2: Hey! Don't insult our food, Jap!
Hibichi: Oh, shut up, bot boy!
[Kirin whacks them both]
Kirin: At this rate you'll alienate everybody!

[The author would like to apologize for this temporary lapse from political correctness. The opinions of the MiSTers in no way represents the opinions of management.]

Kirin: Oh, it's just a MiSTing, you should really just relax.

Now to delve into this girl's head..."

Kirin: Ewww...
 

Freon: Who's your favorite character in "Escaflowne"?

Crow 2: (Hitomi) Well, that third kanji during the title screen is quite nice, but...
Kirin: Yeah, like your puns are so much better than mine...
 

Hitomi Girl: I like Van because he's courageous yet I like Allen

Hibichi: Because I'm a two-timer.

because he's handsome. (bats eyelashes and smiles) But I never thought I was gonna meet "Amano-sempai"!

Kirin: This has all the symptoms of bad self-insertion.

"She's either gonna kill me or love me to the ends of the earth. Either way, why not have fun with it?"

Crow 2: (Freon) I hope she chooses the former!
Hibichi: (singing) o/~ As we dance to the Masochism Tango... o/~
 

Hitomi Girl: Bet I can guess who your favorite is!

Kirin: (Hitomi) It's MEEEEEEE!!!
 

Freon: I bet you can...

Crow 2: (Hitomi) So will you be putting the money down up front or should I collect it from you later?

Hitomi Girl: It's Hitomi, right?

Kirin: D'oh! And again with the backlash!

Freon: Guilty as charged, your honor.

Crow 2: You are hereby sentenced to five years in Otaku Penitentiary.
 

Hitomi Girl: (giggles) I remember when you wrote that fanfic where you charged up your ki attack by making out with her.

[A mighty lightning bolt hits the screen.]
Kirin: Methinks the Great One was a tad offended.

Freon: I remember that too.

Hibichi: He would.

Hitomi Girl: (leans over table and some Whoppers) Would you do that with me?

Kirin: (Freon) The hell I would!

"And Freon scores the winning try for New Zealand!*"

Kirin: And New Zealand's won the World Cup!
Hibichi: Hey, there's another star there!

Female Voice from Behind: Excuse me, sir...

Crow 2: Magic Voice must have found outside work since MST3K ended.

(Freon looks over to find a young lady dressed as Nurse Ling Ling from "Steam Detectives")

Hibichi: I can see where THIS is going.
Bodger's Voice: Oh PLEASE let this not go where we think it's going...
 

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: You dropped your medicine at the hotel.

Kirin: Wow, that explains a lot, really!
 

"Medicine? Jesus Christ in a Buick, man! If Hitomi Girl finds out I take brain medicine, she's gonna dump my sorry ass!"

Crow 2: Hey, you can hit the otaku, but leave the poor donkey alone!
Kirin: I wonder if Jesus Christ in a Buick is related to God in Pink Pajamas Riding In a Ford?
 

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: (takes small bottle of pills from out of her handbag) Let's see, Mr. Freon, you take Propranolol, right? Isn't that blood pressure medicine**?

Kirin: (Freon) No, actually it's brain medic -- d'oh!
 

Freon: (takes bottle of pills from Nurse Ling Ling Girl's hand) Yes, it is. How do you know,anyway?

Hibichi: (Ling Ling) I've been stalking you too. There's a whole fan club devoted to stalking you! Oh, and hi, Hitomi!
 

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: I'm a pharmacy assistant at a Rite-Aid in Bothell. (smiles)

Crow 2: Yeah, I think Rite-Aid is pretty hilarious too.

"I always figured my dream girl would be from Bothell."

Kirin: And from Seattle and from Tacoma and from Wenatchee and from Pend Oreille...

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: Hey, aren't you that Kintaro Amano guy?

Hibichi: (Freon) Hey, you should know -- you're the one that's stalking me!

Hitomi Girl: Back off, bitch! He's mine!

Kirin: Ooh! Catfight! Catfight!
Crow 2: Taking bets now!
Hibichi: Give me 5000 yen on Hitomi!
[A mighty lightning bolt smites all three]
Bodger's Voice: Enough already!
 

Freon: Hitomi...

Kirin: (Freon) Damn! I'd forgotten about her!
 

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: (turns up her nose) I'm sure he won't be for too long. I'll be seeing you, Mr. Freon. (walks away)

Crow 2: Well, why doesn't he just sell himself to the highest bidder? It'd be faster!
Hibichi: He's a self-insert, after all. He'd be rich!
 

(NORVANA Delegation walks in, including the bishounen guy from earlier)

Kirin: Oh, if he starts fighting over him too, I'm outta here.
 

"OH, $@#%!!! EVASIVE MANEUVERS!!!"

Crow 2: Battle stations! Battle stations! Red alert!
 

(Freon runs out of Burger King like the title of a certain Meat Loaf album, sideswiping Nurse Ling Ling Girl)

Hibichi: Which essentially translates to making a pass. *Clang*
 

Hitomi Girl: Amano-sempai! Come back! Damn.

Kirin: (Latrine) I was this close. I touched it.
 

(Freon runs down Andover Park Drive, huffing and puffing all the way)

Kirin: And was--
Bodger's Voice: No dark jokes! I know the guy!
Kirin: So?
 

"If I can get things to go well with both Hitomi Girl and Nurse Ling Ling Girl, I can probably score me what the French players call a 'menage a trois'! Ooh la la!"

[The screen bursts into flames.]
All: AAAACK!

TO BE CONTINUED

[The screen is still burning. The sprinkler system comes on.]
Kirin: Break?
Others: Good idea.

[They exit the theater.]

[Reverse Door Sequence: 1-2-3-4-5-6]

[The camera is back online.]
Crow 2: Huh? Alexis must have done that.
Kirin: Keeping busy, I guess. Hey, I've got an idea! Hold on, I'l hit commercial sign.
 

Hibichi: (to himself) Nekita would be so pissed off if she saw that...
Kirin: (OS) Hibichi! We're starting!
Hibichi: Oh! Right! [Runs OS]
Kirin: And now, for your viewing pleasure: A summary of events so far in "Baka-Con II: The Search for Chicks."

[Hibichi comes in with a metal detector.]

Hibichi: Hmm... no chicks here. Well, I'm bound to get lucky sooner or later!

[Crow 2 comes in dressed in vendor's clothes]

Crow 2: Hitomi dolls! Get yer Hitomi dolls! Vith the plushie in the tushie and the shiny hair too, it's cuddly and kawaii and ve made it just for you!
Hibichi: Here, I'll have one of those!
[Crow 2 tosses him a doll and leaves. Kirin comes on.]
Kirin: (camply) Hi there.
Hibichi: ACCK!
[Crow 2 comes on dressed as a girl. Kirin leaves.]
Crow 2: Ooh! Amano-sempai!
[Kirin comes on with a nurses cap.]
Kirin: (falsetto) No way! He's mine!
[Crow 2 and Kirin scuffle]
Alexis: (OS) WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING?!
[All stop.]
Kirin: To the theater! Hurry!
[They all rush in just as Alexis storms on screen.]
Alexis: (grumbling) Men...

[Door Sequence: 6-5-4-3-2-1]

[All enter. You can still see Crow 2's wig and Kirin's nurses cap.]
Kirin: That was close.
Crow 2: You think she's curious as to our mentality?
Hibichi: Well, she always thinks like that anyway.

NOTES:

Crow 2: Must remember to pick up groceries.

*That's a rugby reference. New Zealand's national team is among the toughest of international rugby teams with it's wise use of big Polynesian men.

Hibichi: Er...
Crow 2: NOT LIKE THAT!

The team is also known to do the "Haka", a Maori ceremonial dance, before each game in the hopes of intimidating opponents.

Kirin: Haka-loogie, that is.
 

**I take blood pressure medicine, yet I have good blood pressure. The reason why I take Propranolol is to control my shaking. The brain medicine, though...well...it makes me a smart man!

Crow 2: Must... not... make... author flame...
 

Part IV

Kirin: You know, I've heard that every even numbered Star Trek is supposed to be really good.
Crow 2: That doesn't seem to apply to Baka-Con, though.
 

We now return to Baka-Con II: The Search For Chicks on TCI Public Access 29 Seattle...

Crow 2: Man! I've heard of some cheap productions, but when you have to show it on Public Access... sheesh!
 

"Freon's Log...

Kirin: (Freon) OW! Careful with my log!

I was back at the hotel after escaping the bishounen dude from the NORVANA delegation. I was safe...for now.

Crow 2: *cough**cough*homophobe*cough*

As I was walking down the halls of the Doubletree Inn Southcenter to the hospitality room (a room that was in the area I call "the dark side of the moon" because I wanted to make a dumb Pink Floyd reference),

Kirin: Well, you shouldn't have.
Hibichi: Isn't that the cat that was always getting chased by that goofy inspector?
Crow 2: No, that's the Pink Panther.
Kirin: Philistine.

my ears caught the mewing cries of a beautiful young cosplay girl.

Hibichi: It's Catwoman! [nervously] I'm beginning to get a headache.
Kirin: That's because the author's friend has asked her to smite you.
Hibichi: Why?
Kirin: Apparently she's a major fan of Inspector Clouseau.
Hibichi: Who's that? [BANG! BOOM! Multiple lightning bolts strike Hibichi.]

How do I know what these things sound like? That's for me to know and you to find out.

Crow 2: Admit it -- you don't know, do you?

Anyway...I could hear these cries coming from the alcove where the soda and ice machines are.

Kirin: (Girl) Damn this stupid coke machine! It took my fifty cents again!

I walked in to find Yurika Girl sitting on the floor by the soda machine, her face soaked with the saline tears of a broken heart as she drowned her troubles in Citra (I remember last year when the machines had Surge, but the bastards took it all out!)."

Crow 2: You know, something about that aside really ruins the tragic effect of that passage.
Kirin: It can't be that hard to find Surge. [An Asian guy comes in with a can of Surge and hands it to Kirin, then exits]
Hibichi: (slightly out of it) Huh?
Kirin: The author's friend is showing her devotion to Clouseau again, methinks.
 

Mb<(Yurika girl drinks the last of the Citra in her can before sobbing some more)

Kirin: (Yurika) Damn it! It just doesn't taste like Surge! [Sips from the can] Hmm...

(Mr Freon buys another Citra from the machine and tries to give it to Yurika Girl)

Kirin: Andanotherandanotherandanotherandanotherand...
Crow 2: Whoa, Kirin! What's the caffeine content in that soda?
 

Freon: Here, have one on me.

Crow 2: (Yurika) Okay. I actually AM Yurika. Hah! Fooled you!
 

Yurika Girl: (sniffs) (takes Citra) (cries) Thank you, sir.

Kirin: (Girl) I'msorryit'sjustthatCitratastessocrappyincomparisonto thegreattasteofSurgehowImissitso!
Hibichi: (taking can) I think that's enough Surge for now, Kirin.
Kirin: Hey!Gimmegimmegimme! [He tackles Hibichi. The soda can flies up in the air and is barely caught by Crow 2.]
 
 

Freon: (sits down next to Yurika Girl) You seem troubled. Why is a pretty lady like you crying?

Crow 2: (Girl) Because it's my party and I'll cry if I want to.
 

Yurika Girl: (gulps down some Citra) (sobs) He don't love me anymore! (breaks down crying again)

[Kirin leaps back into his seat]
Kirin: What'dImisswhat'dImisswhat'dImiss?
Crow 2: (discretly hides Surge can) Not a lot.
Kirin: Heywhat'sthatyougottherehuhhuhhuh?
Crow 2: Uh, nothing.
Kirin: WasthatSurge?
Crow 2: Er, of course not!
Kirin: Gimmegimmegimme!
Crow 2: Ack!
[Crow 2 gets up and runs away, carrying the soda with him. Kirin chases after Crow 2. Hibichi crawls back into his seat looking slightly ruffled.]
 

Freon: (assuring tone) It's okay, it's okay. (puts arm around her) Take a deep breath, now. In... (Yurika Girl breathes in) ...and out.
(Yurika Girl breathes out) One more time, in... (she breathes in)

Hibichi: (Freon) Whoops! I've gotta take this phone call. Can you hold it a second?

...and out. (she breathes out) (Freon takes arm from Yurika Girl) Now can ya tell me what's wrong? It'd help to talk it out.

Hibichi: (Freon) Yeah... it'll help me score with her! Heh heh heh...
[Hibichi looks around]
Hibichi: Cool!
 

Yurika Girl: I caught my boyfriend with that Utena Girl. I came back into the main video room and I saw him making out with her. (sniffs)

Hibichi: (Freon) Hey! I played one of my videos in that room! ACK!
[Crow 2 and Alexis walk in.]
Hibichi: Where's Kirin?
Alexis: He's... recuperating.
Crow 2: Yay! The nit-picker's back! I can live with making Kirin's riffs!
[Alexis glares at Crow 2]
Hibichi: You're not going to go ballistic, are you?
Alexis: I'll try not to.
 

"Okay, Miss Yurika, just tell me where I can find this guy and I'll gladly emasculate him for you."

[Hibichi and Crow 2 wince]
 

Freon: Oh, no. I'm sorry.

Hibichi and Crow 2: As you damn well should be!
 

Yurika Girl: It's not fair! We were supposed to be together! He's gonna be Akito and I'm Yurika!

Alexis: The secret lives of Mr and Mrs. ... Fanboy.

He even kicked me out of our room! Now I have no place to stay and I came all the way from Issaquah!*

[All making groaning and horror noises]
Crow 2: Oh no, Issaquah!
Hibichi: Oh, whatever shall she do?
Alexis: How will she ever travel that twenty miles to get home?
 

"She's vulnerable, now to move in!"

Alexis: (mumbling) I will not say anything. I am strong against this kind of sexism.
Crow 2: Did you know the average guy thinks about sex twenty times an hour?
Hibichi: ONLY twenty times?
[Alexis glares at the pair of them. They shrink back.]
 

Freon: You wanna stay in my room during the con? It's kinda outta the way but it's a nice place!

Alexis: (Freon) If you cover up the water stains... and the cockroaches only come out at night!
 

Yurika Girl: Well...

Crow 2: Next person to say "well well well" gets it.
Others: Damn.

(The Bishounen Guy from the NORVANA delegation enters the soda and ice machine area)

Hibichi & Crow 2: NO!!! NOT HIM AGAIN!!!
Alexis: Huh?

Bishounen Guy: I thought that was you running out of the Burger King like Scooby-Doo at a monster convention!

Hibichi: Hey, don't diss the Scoobster.
Crow 2: Oh bite me.
Alexis: No class whatsoever.
Others: Who are you speaking to?
Alexis: Both, really.

"ALL HANDS BRACE FOR IMPACT!!! RED ALERT!!! RED ALERT!!!"

Alexis: Sexist comment imminent!

Bishounen Guy: (to Yurika Girl) Okay, little lady, you're dismissed now.

Alexis: Direct hit! Shields down to eighty percent!

Yurika Girl: Nani?
 

Freon: (stands up) Dammit, Bish Guy, you just ruined a tender moment between me and Yurika Girl! Now you must die!

Hibichi & Crow 2: Fight! Fight! Fight!

Bishounen Guy: (pins Freon to soda machine) You wouldn't do that now, would you?

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
Alexis: This is going to turn into a yaoi scene!!!!

Yurika Girl: (stands up) I think I'll go now. (runs off)

All: Sounds like a plan!!!
[All get up and dash off quickly]

[Reverse door sequence: 1-2-3-4-5-6]

Crow 2 panted. "Yee gods, I did NOT expect that!"

"I don't think ANYBODY expected that!" Hibichi looked equally pale.

"We've still got to read the rest of that, you know..." said

Alexis. Hibichi and Crow 2 whimpered.

"We need commercial sign..."

[Kirin is sitting in a circle surrounded by other various characters from stories. They're clearly cut-out figures. Crow 2, Hibichi and Alexis each stand behind one cut-out each. He stands up.]

Kirin: Hi, my name's Kirin, and I'm a Surge-o-holic.
Others: Hi Kirin!
Crow 2: (Behind cut-out of Richard Nixon) Tell us your story!
Kirin: Well, I was sitting in a theater, reading a fanfic, when Kato from the Pink Panther movies came and offered me my first can of Surge.
Alexis: (Behind cut-out of Willow Rosenburg) Truly a far-gone case.
Kirin: At any rate, I was soon attacking my friends to get some more... it was terrible!
Hibichi: (Behind cut-out of Inspector Clouseau) Amen, brother!
Kirin: Now I'm just a nervous wreck... I can't think about anything else!
Crow 2: (Now behind cut-out of Bodger) It's a case we've heard all too often. But don't worry, Kirin, we've all been through this before, and we're here to help.*
Kirin: T...thank you!

[Red light flashes]
Crow 2: Just not right now. FANFIC SIIIIIIGN!!!

[Pandemonium as Crow 2, Hibichi & Alexis run into theater.]
Kirin: ... Gee, thanks a lot, guys...

* Author's note: I would like to make it clear that I have never tried Surge and have certainly never been addicted to it. Coca-cola, on the other hand...

[Door Sequence: 6-5-4-3-2-1]

[Seated from L-R: Crow 2, Alexis, Hibichi]

Alexis: Prepared mentally?
Hibichi: We hope so.
Alexis: Then let's plunge into the depths.

Freon: You phallus, you scared her off!

Alexis: Really, such language...

Bishounen Guy: Gimme a kiss, sweetie.

Hibichi: (nervously) A chocolate one! I love those!

"Since when did my adventures become a yaoi fic?"

Crow 2: (nervously) Riffing backlash again!

Freon: I've got a headache!

All: So do we!

Bishounen Guy: Oh, come on, silly buns! You can't resist me!

All: You can do it! Resist! Resist!

"We regret to inform you that your son is now a daughter. May God rest his ass."

Crow 2: Wow, he was so desperate to get away from the guy that he got a sex change operation?

(Bishounen Guy moves in for a kiss) (Freon hyperventilates)

[Everybody else does the same]

(Before Bishounen Guy gets too close, Hitomi Girl hits him on the head with a big mallet)

[Collective sigh of relief.]
Hibichi: KA-BONG!
 

(Bishounen Guy falls over)

[Party hats are being distributed and little noise makers are heard.]

Hitomi Girl: (holding mallet) Get your grubby hands off my man, bitch!

[Alexis groans.]
Alexis: Why do self-inserts always attract this kind of attention?
Bodger's Voice: Not always... *sigh*...

Bishounen Guy: (on floor) Owie. (passes out)

Hibichi: Can we kill him now? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Crow 2: Now now... we must disguise our hate!

(Freon walks out of the soda and ice machine area with Hitomi Girl before they walk off

Crow 2: Into the sunset. Well, we're finished, let's go!
Alexis: Oh no, you're staying here with the rest of us!
Crow 2: Nutbunnies.

toward the hospitality room)
 

Freon: Thanks for saving my ass. How can I repay you?

Hibichi: Oh, I'm sure he'll think of something... probably already has, in fact.
Crow 2: (Hitomi) By giving it to me! *CLANG*

Hitomi Girl: (smiles) By letting me stay in your room. I came all the way from Tumwater** but I don't have a place to stay.

Alexis: (Freon) Well, tell me how it works out. Bye!
 

"Things are working out fine."

Crow 2: Maybe for you, but for us...

Freon: Why not? Actually, though, I'm staying near the airport.

Hibichi: (Hitomi) What, you're staying at one of those dumps? What a cheapskate.

Hitomi Girl: We can take the bus.

Alexis: (singing) o/~ The wheels on the bus go round and round...~
Crow 2: Aren't you going to offer her another ride on the Otaku Love Boat, Freon?

Freon: But where will you sleep? There's only one bed.
 

"DAMMIT, BOY! AIN'T IT OBVIOUS!?!?"

Alexis: She wants to sleep on the sofa! Duh!

Hitomi: (smiles and bats eyelashes) Can you share the bed with me?

[Wolf whistles and similar noises from Hibichi and Crow 2]
Alexis: *sigh*

"What about Yurika Girl? Her boyfriend dumped her and she needs a place to stay! And didn't you also wanna get with Nurse Ling Ling Girl, Monsieur Freon?"

Hibichi: This guy is really trying to go after the all-American male dream.
Alexis: I hope he fails miserably.
 

Freon: (smiles) Only if you're a good girl.

Crow 2: (Hitomi) Well, I've had a couple of convictions for assault and battery and I got accused of murder once, but they never proved anything!

Hitomi: (smiles and giggles)

Alexis: *cough*ditz*cough*

"This is more than I expected. (sings) Oh, what a con! Late in April back in 99, them cosplay girls were oh so very fine! Cuz I remember, what a con!"

Alexis: [Plugs ears] Ow! He's got no sense of pitch!
Crow 2: *snicker*
Alexis: And what's THAT supposed to mean?
Crow 2: Nothing! Nothing at all! *snort*

TO BE CONTINUED...

Hibichi: Whether you like it or not.

*Issaquah is a suburb of Seattle across Lake Washington on the east side. Very affluent. It is also known to be the home of Vector Development (as far as the web page tells me).

Hibichi: Currently in office are Mayor Gestahl and his Assistant Mayor, Kefka.

**Tumwater is actually a suburb of state capital Olympia and is quite a ways away from the Seattle area. Tumwater is known to be the city where Olympia beer is brewed. "It's the Water!" (no, I did not get paid)

Alexis: Yes you did.
Crow 2: I'LL say "It's the water."
Alexis: You know what they say... American beer is like making love in a canoe...

Part V
 

We now return to Baka Con II: The Search for Chicks on the Dubba-Dubba-WB*.

Crow 2: Wow, he's moved up in the world.
Hibichi: Oh, the WB will buy anything.

This show is brought to you by Altoids.

Alexis: They just don't know it yet.

And stay tuned for an all new RESCUE 77!

Crow 2: Was that a plug?
Alexis: I think so.
Crow 2: I've got to start cataloging these...

"Freon's Log...I am in the main video viewing room watching some saccharine shoujo with Hitomi Girl.

Alexis: Translated please?
Hibichi: Girl's anime.
Alexis: Ah! Chick flicks!
Crow 2: Um, aren't you a chick?
Alexis: So? Doesn't mean I have to act like one.
 

I think this would be a good time to make my move..."

Crow 2: To Kansas.

Hitomi Girl: Amano-sempai?
 

Freon: Yes, dahling?

Alexis: (Hitomi) If you don't get your arm off my shoulder right now I'm going to rip it out of its socket.

Hitomi Girl: (gets up) I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back. (walks off)

Hibichi: Oooh! I think he's just been dumped.
Alexis: About time.

"Damn..."

Crow 2: (Freon) I have to go to the bathroom too...

(Freon watches Hitomi Girl leave the room)(Right when Hitomi Girl leaves, Nurse Ling Ling Girl walks in and goes down the row of seats Freon is in)

Alexis: (Freon) Sorry, this seat's reserved.

"...and then, she came."

Hibichi: Saaaay... *WHACK!*

(Nurse Ling Ling Girl smiles and sits next to Freon)

Alexis: (Freon) Damn! A whole theater full of empty seats and she chooses to sit next to me. Go figure!

Freon: Why hello, dahling.

Alexis: (Ling Ling) Hello, Mr. Two-timer.

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: Hello, Mr. Freon! Are you well?

Crow 2: (Freon) No, actually I'm quite sick. I could really go for a check-up. *Clang* I didn't mean it like that! You know, sick, ill, check-up ... ah, forget it.

Freon: Yes, I am. Thanks for finding my medicine.

Alexis: (Ling-Ling) You're welcome. *snort* Loser.

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: Well, when you work in the pharmaceuticals industry, you know how important medicine is to people.

Crow 2: (Ling Ling) And at Rite Aid, we make sure to get it to you as quickly as possible! Our customer service is the best in the state!

Freon: But how'd ya know it was me those pills belonged to?

Hibichi: (Ling Ling) Oh, I don't know... maybe it's because your NAME was printed on the label?

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: I go to your website. You're Kintaro Amano. I printed "Blue Star of Namiya" and can't put it down.

Alexis: (Ling Ling) No, really, I can't. I was doing some work with super glue when I picked it up and it's been stuck to my hand ever since.

"And the critics are raving..."

Hibichi: They're all partying?
Crow 2: You've got even worse puns than Kirin!

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: And there's something I wanna say to you...

Alexis: (Ling Ling) Get bent.

"Oh, boy..."

Hibichi: Oberto.

Freon: Say it.

Crow 2: Like you mean it!

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: (whispers) When I first saw you walk through that lobby door, I fell in love with you.

Alexis: (Freon) That's because I'm a self-insert character. No one can resist me! Ha ha!

I already liked your writing, but there was something inside of me that wanted to get to know you better.

Crow 2: (Ling Ling) Whup, and I think it's coming out now... ulp... er... [makes chest bursting noise]
Hibichi: (Alien) DAAAAAARRRLING!

I know that when the con's over, we may never see each other again...

Alexis: (Ling Ling) And good riddance.

so let's have a Love Boat romance and make out like crazed weasels until the ship pulls back into port!

Crow 2: How do you make out like crazed weasels?
Alexis: Foam at the mouth and go around stealing other peoples' hard- boiled eggs.

"WELCOME ABOARD IT'S LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!!! Jack Jones, ladies and gentlemen!"

Crow 2: The lesser known brother of Tom Jones.

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: Oh, Mr. Freon...please kiss me!

[Alexis begins to hum the romance theme from the play Romeo and Juliet]

"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL INGLATERRA!!! (Stop screwing around and kiss her already!)"

Hibichi: (Freon) No, no, wait, that's the other way around! *WHACK* (normal) I'm getting a headache again...
Alexis: Good.

(Freon puts his arms around Nurse Ling Ling Girl, closes his eyes, and kisses her passionately)

Crow 2: Then he woke up and found it was all just a dream...

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: Mmmmm.... (closes her eyes and starts kissing Freon)

Alexis: Hang on, he was kissing her, but she wasn't kissing him?
Crow 2: He was actually kissing her dog. He just wasn't paying attention.

"I am the very model of a modern major general...ah, screw it...I'll make love to you if you want me to! And I'll hold you tight, baby all through the night!"

Alexis: Enough with the crappy song quotations!

(Freon and Nurse Ling Ling Girl break from kiss)

Hibichi: CRASH! tinkle-tinkle-tinkle...

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: Oh, Mr. Freon...I had no idea you were such a great kisser! Do you like Altoids?

Crow 2: Ah, no WONDER this is endorsed by Altoids.

Freon: Yeah. They make my breath fresh so I can kiss you and leave a wake of minty freshness!

Alexis: (Freon) Yes, I think EVERYBODY should buy Altoids!
Crow 2: (Ling Ling) They're the curiously strong mints!

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: Oh, you are so eloquent! (smiles) Say, I gotta go but I'll see ya later.

Alexis: The guy quotes from commercials and she finds him eloquent! Gee, she must be really impressed by guys who quote from television shows!

Freon: (smiles euphorically) Okay, dahling.

Hibichi: Actually, that's "dah Ling Ling." *CLANG!* Crow 2!
Crow 2: Enough with the bad puns already!

(Nurse Ling Ling Girl gets up and leaves)

Alexis: He never heard from her again. Heartbroken, he wandered the earth in search of an answer as to why.
Hibichi: You're getting dark.
Alexis: I think I'm justified, thank you very much.

"I feel like I was in a shoujo manga of some sort."

Crow 2: (Freon) Better go check my eyes to make sure they haven't begun to take over most of the space on my face.

(Hitomi Girl comes back in and sits down next to Freon)

Alexis: (Hitomi) What's that I smell? Perfume! It's Eau de Altoid! You've been seeing someone else behind my back!

Hitomi Girl: Hey, guy! You doin' okay?
 

Freon: (looks toward her) Yes... (takes tin box of Altoids out of his pocket) Want an Altoid?

Crow 2: You know, I've suddenly developed an urge for the minty taste of ALTOIDS! I wonder why?

"I know I'm going to score tonight...but with whom?"

Alexis: Oh, the tension builds.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Crow 2: In the year 2300.

Notes:

Hibichi: I always hated taking notes. It really kills your writing hand!

*For our non-American friends, "WB" is a television network owned by Warner Brothers Studios that is known to put out shows that are not widely popular but have cult followings (ie: "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Dawson's Creek").

Crow 2: Among teenagers, that is.
Alexis: (Old Lady) All those shows, forming cults. I tells you it's not right!

The only show I watch on that network is "RESCUE 77", a fire/rescue drama cut from the same cloth as the 1970's series "Emergency", the reruns of which I used to watch on a routine basis as a child.

Alexis: Never heard of it.
Crow 2: Nothing registers here.
Hibichi: Completely clueless.

Part VI
 

We now return to the CBC special Baka Con II: The Search for Chicks.

Alexis: This show just keeps skipping around channels.
Hibichi: Maybe it's because no self-respecting station would hold onto it for long periods of time.

"Freon's Log...I was walking on air after that lip-lock with Nurse Ling Ling Girl.

Crow 2: However, I was stupid enough to look down and fell almost immediately.

Now to move on...

Alexis: With my life... maybe settle down and find a nice girlfriend, get a job...

there is still Hitomi Girl and Yurika Girl. I admit, I'm a little confused.

Hibichi: You didn't need to tell US that...

But hey, I feel good nonetheless.

Crow 2: Because I took my Senecal!
Alexis: Eww...

Now where am I? Oh yeah, I'm sitting near the fireplace in the seating area inside the lobby. I guess Hitomi Girl is a sucker for that sort of thing because she's sitting right next to me..."

Alexis: (Hitomi) Flame pretty... ooo...

Hitomi Girl: Want me to do a tarot reading for ya?

Hibichi: (Freon) Hey, you can do any kind of reading you want, baby!
Alexis: (Hitomi) Oh honestly, what is it with you and sex?

Freon: Sure!

Crow 2: The dryer antipersperant.

(Hitomi Girl takes out what looks like Seattle Mariners baseball cards)

Alexis: The card with Ken Griffey Jr. on it had a devil's beard drawn on its face.

"This girl's gotta be crappin me! Baseball cards?"

Crow 2: (Hitomi) Hmm... a reverse Jay Buhner card. That's good luck!

(Hitomi Girl draws card and puts it on coffee table in front of couch)

Hibichi: (Hitomi) Get the red, get ahead. Get the black, set you back.

Hitomi Girl: Ah, the Jay Buhner card...

[Everybody stares at Crow 2]
Crow 2: I didn't know anything! Honest! It was just another case of backlash!

Freon: What's that mean?

Alexis: (Hitomi) It means you're screwed.
Hibichi: (Freon) I wish... *THWACK*

Hitomi Girl: It means you are going to achieve something you've always wanted to achieve. Basically, you're gonna be a heavy hitter.

Crow 2: Well why not? He's been hitting on everything in sight.

(Freon chuckles)

Alexis: (Freon) Hee hee hee! Oh, what a freak.

(Hitomi Girl puts another card on table)

Hibichi: (Hitomi) A tarot card? How'd that get in there?
Crow 2: Hey, I think it's the death card!
Alexis: No no no, it's clearly the ten of pentacles.
Crow 2: Oh, of course. How silly of me.

Hitomi Girl: The Ken Griffey, Jr. card...it means you will find good fortune.

Alexis: (Hitomi) Then you'll get transferred to the Reds, but hey! That's life.

Freon: Cool!
 

(Hitomi GIrl draws another card)

Hibichi: (Hitomi) You know, I've been doing this for ages, but I just can't seem to get the face of the queen of hearts to look right...
Crow 2: Oh brother.

Hitomi Girl: Oh my god!

Alexis: (Hitomi) They killed Kenny!

Freon: What?
 

Hitomi Girl: It's the Randy Johnson card. It means you will encounter some obstacles and disagreements, but will find peace and love.

Hibichi: (Freon) Yes, but do the cards say anything about me getting lucky tonight?
Crow 2: (Hitomi) Hmm... nope! Nothing.
Hibichi: (Freon) Damn.

Freon: Does it say I'm gonna move to Phoenix?

Alexis: (Hitomi) No, but it does give a lot of boring statistics...

Hitomi Girl: I don't know about that...
 

(Hitomi GIrl draws another card)

Crow 2: (Hitomi) Heh heh heh, it's my Black Lotus. You're in deep poopie now...

Hitomi Girl: The Makoto Suzuki Card? Oh my!

Hibichi: Oh wow! The Sailor Senshi have turned to baseball!
Alexis: They needed to break away from that girly image.

Freon: What does that mean?

Crow 2: (Hitomi) It means I didn't sort my deck properly. Excuse me a sec...

Hitomi Girl: It means you may either have to work to achieve greatness or that you're going to get drunk and go to jail!

Alexis: I'm betting on the latter.

Freon: (sly smile) (preppy accent) Dahling, how about I drink of thy lips and take you to the farthest of heavens?

Alexis: (Hitomi) And how bout I take my little cosplay fist and take you to the moon?

Hitomi Girl: (throws arms around Freon) Not if I take you there first, Amano-sempai!

Crow 2: Wow! It's just like a romance novel only... not.

"This girl is as forward as an Amtrak train! All aboard!"

Alexis: She's an Amtrak train?
Crow 2: It means she's always late and derails from time to time.
Alexis: I think she's pretty derailed already.

(Hitomi Girl kisses Freon passionately, both close their eyes as Freon puts his arms around her and starts kissing her)

Alexis: Then Ling Ling came in and stabbed her in the back, the end.
Crow 2: You ARE getting dark.

"I need some love like I never needed love before (wanna make love to ya baby!)!"

Hibichi: Oh man, this guy has GOT to start listening to less music.
Alexis: Spice Girls? Geez, and these girls think he's such a stud...

Male Voice from Above: Am I interrupting anything?

Crow 2: Oh no...
Hibichi: Please God...
Alexis: It's not...

(Freon and Hitomi break from kiss to find Bishounen Guy standing above them)

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

"CRASH POSITIONS NOW!!!"

[Everybody ducks and covers]

Hitomi Girl: Not you again!

Hibichi: (from under seat) You said it, lady!

Freon: (stands up) Dammit, you yaoi-boy! You just ruined a tender moment between me and Hitomi Girl! Now you must die!

Alexis: (from under seat) Whoa. Deja vu.

Hitomi Girl: Don't mind this guy, Freon. (whips out big mallet and bonks Bishounen Guy in the head with it) (to Bishounen Guy) Leave my man alone, bitch!

[Everybody gets back up.]
Hibichi: That was way too close.
Alexis: Where is she getting that mallet from?
Hibichi: I thought you've done that before.
Alexis: Yeah, but I still don't know how I did it!

Bish Guy: Owie! (falls over)

Crow 2: TIIIIMMMBER!
Hibichi: Now all we have to do is chop him up into firewood!
Alexis: Sorry, can't do that.

Freon: Come on, baby. Let's go get some soda. (Freon and Hitomi Girl walk off)

Crow 2: But join us next week for another exciting episode of "Baka-Con II: The Search for Chicks!"
Alexis: On second thought, DON'T.

(Yurika Girl walks up to them)

Alexis: She walks the walk and she talks the talk.

Yurika Girl: Hey, guy, about me staying in your room...you don't mind if I bring a few things, do ya? (sees Hitomi Girl) Oh...

Alexis: Heh heh heh... I suspect Freon's about to pay the piper.
Crow 2: You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Hitomi Girl: (turns to Freon) What is she talking about?

Hibichi: (Freon) Oh-absolutely-nothing-just-some-crazy-crackpot-let's-go-now!
Alexis: (Yurika) T...that's what my boyfriend said to me! WAAAAAAHHH!!!

Freon: I don't know...
 

Yurika Girl: You comforted me when I was sad and said I could stay in your room, remember?

[Alexis is suddenly watching very intently.]
Hibichi: She is really savoring this moment.

(Hitomi Girl snarls)

Crow 2: She's turning into a Were-Hitomi!

"Oh, $#@%! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!"

Alexis: You said it, pal!

(Hitomi Girl decks Freon with a right cross)

[Alexis applauds]
Hibichi: What did she do with the wrong cross?

"Yow, was that Christy Martin?*"

Crow 2: Under-appreciated sister of Ricky Martin.

Freon: (on floor) I am Sailor Moon, champion of love and justice!

Alexis: He's a real disgrace to his uniform...

Hitomi Girl: (to Yurika Girl) Stay away from my man or you're next.

Crow 2: (Yurika) Oooh, aren't we bitchy?

Yurika Girl: Oh-kay...! (runs off)
 

(Hitomi Girl walks off)

Alexis: Bravo! Bravisimo! The single best part of the fic! Oh, that was marvelous! Let's go!
Crow 2: Oh no, if it didn't work for me, it's not gonna work for you.

Freon: (sits up) Oh, lawd...anyone get the license number of that freight train?

Hibichi: I think it was "LOOKOUT."

(Nurse Ling Ling Girl walks up to him and crouches down)

Crow 2: (Ling Ling) It's you again! I found your brain medicine in the viewing room.

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: What's your name? Do you remember your name?

Hibichi: (Freon) No, but I certainly remember yours. You really stick in my mind.
Alexis: Much like the other girls that stuck in his mind.

Freon:Freon, Kintaro Freon, On Her Majesty's Secret Service.

Crow 2: (Royal Guard) Yes, and her Majesty says that if you don't move your arse and get off the tea cakes she's calling security.

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: Come on, (stands him up) let's go to my room. I'll make ya an ice pack.

Alexis: (Ling Ling) I learned to make them in shop class! But they always seem to look like ash trays, for some reason...
Crow 2: At least she didn't try to weld it.

(Nurse Ling Ling Girl limps Freon through the hotel)

Crow 2: Which basically involves whacking him in the back of the knee everytime he begins to walk straight.

"I've got a feeling I won't be getting Yurika Girl."

Alexis: Don't worry, Freon! All the girls of the convention should be at your beck and call in no time!

TO BE CONTINUED...

Hibichi: Oh great, there's more of this. I need a sandwich.
Alexis: Yeah, I'm pretty hungry too.
Crow 2: Hope they've got RAM chips.

[They exit the theater.]

[Door Sequence: 1-2-3-4-5-6]

Kirin was absent-mindedly flipping a small red disc as the trio of MiSTers came out of the theater. "How's it going?"

"Well..." Alexis began.

"Let's just say you should be thankful you weren't in there when the Bishounen Guy's place in the story became obvious," replied Hibichi. He shuddered. "Damn, that's going to kick all that therapy out the window..."

"Hey, what you got there, Kirin?" asked Crow 2, noticing the chip.

"This? It's my half-hour chip from SA," replied Kirin.

"SA?"

"Surge-o-holics Anonymous. They say I'm making good progress."

"Hang on, you mean there really IS an SA?" asked Alexis.

"Oh yeah. Apparently it happens a lot. They've got similar things for Sprite and Mountain Dew, too. It's really quite amazing," replied Kirin.

"Well, we're grabbing a snack. Care to join us?" invited Hibichi.

"Just as long as there's no Surge in the fridge..."
 

[Back in the theater. Kirin has finally rejoined, and now there is a quartet.]
[Seated L-R: Kirin, Alexis, Crow 2 & Hibichi]

Kirin: You sure you really need me for this?
Alexis: For this, we need all the people we can get.

Notes:

Kirin: Personally written messages created for the purpose of serving as a reminder of one thing or another.

*Christy Martin is a professional female boxer whose name is as recognized as her male counterparts such as Evander Holyfield or Mike Tyson. Packs a mean punch.

Alexis: And how would he know this?
Kirin: Maybe he stood too close to the ring one day.

Part VII
 

Welcome back to Baka Con II: The Search for Chicks on KONG-TV Seattle!

Crow 2: And it jumps stations again!
Hibichi: Either that or they're all playing the show simultaneously.
Alexis: Huh. Tons of channels and not a single thing on.

"Freon's Log...wait a minute, what am I doing here? I'm in a mall...

Kirin: Oh damn! Now I remember -- I was getting a gift for my girlfriend! What the hell was I doing dreaming about all those women?
Crow 2: Maybe he just got lost and wandered into Southcenter by accident.

I see Nurse Ling Ling girl in a tan trenchcoat and Hitomi Girl's in a Seattle Police uniform pointing a gun at me.

Alexis: Looks like the girls finally decided enough was enough... heh heh heh.

And I'm...holding a gun to Yurika Girl's head. What the #$%@ is going on?!"

Hibichi: Maybe you just let things get a little too kinky.
Alexis: NO.
Kirin: I'm opting for insanity. You should see him getting dragged off in the next few paragraphs.

Hitomi Girl: DROP THE GUN OR I SHOOT!!!

Crow 2: DO IT ANYWAY!

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: Please, Mr. Freon...you probably just need some help. Let the girl go and we'll talk it out.

Hibichi: Intimately, if the fic so far has been anything to judge by.

Yurika Girl: (cries) Help me! This guy's crazy!

Kirin: He probably just forgot his brain medicine again!

Freon: I'm just having a bad day, okay!?

Crow 2: He's been followed around by a bunch of babes for a day. If that's bad, he needs to lower his standards.

"Is this right?"

Kirin: Oh yes, it's perfectly socially acceptable to hold a gun to a girl's head.

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: Mr. Freon, it's okay. We won't hurt you if you let her go.

Alexis: (Ling Ling to Hitomi) The second he lets go of her, shoot.

Freon: You don't know what hell I go through! You have no idea how my life is just crap! If you don't leave me alone, I'll blow her god damn head off! I just wanna be left alone!

Kirin: HIS life is crap?
Alexis: It's impossible for the self-insert character's life to be crap!
Crow 2: The world is your oyster, young man!
Hibichi: Maybe it didn't give him any pearls.

Hitomi Girl: DROP IT NOW!!! I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL BUST A CAP IN YOUR ASS!!!

Kirin: What a waste of a perfectly good baseball cap.

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: I won't let her hurt you, Mr. Freon. I'm here to help.

Alexis: (Ling Ling) I'll hold Hitomi down while you shoot Yurika.
Kirin: And she calls me morbid.

Freon: ARRRRRRRRGH!!! (shoots Yurika Girl and Nurse Ling Ling Girl before Hitomi Girl pumps a few rounds into him)

Kirin: Well, he's dead. The end. Let's go!
Hibichi: Hold it, pal.

(Freon wakes up on a hotel bed, slightly dazed and reeling from that bad dream)

Alexis: Awww...
Kirin: You've really got it out for this guy, Alexis.

"Oh, god...it was just a bad dream. A product of my own turbulent emotions. But where am I, really?"

Crow 2: (Freon) Hang on... there's a lid over me... and what's this suit -- AAAAAGGGHH!!!

Nurse Ling Ling GIrl: Ah, you're awake. Did you have a nice nap, sweetheart?

Kirin: (Freon) Oh just spiffy. I dreamt I shot you and Yurika before getting shot into Swiss cheese, but other than that...

"Sweetheart...I like that."

Hibichi: I don't. Those candies always taste so chalky...

(Freon turns to find the still-costumed Nurse Ling Ling Girl)

Alexis: The girl is clearly delusional. Just up his alley, really.

Freon: Why am I here? (looks down to find he is in his "My Dear Marie" boxer shorts) Where are my pants?

Crow 2: (Ling Ling) Don't you remember? You threw them out the
window in the height of amorous passion and said you'd never need them again.

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: You were dazed from that punch so I took you to my room for a nap. And you looked so uncomfortable in those slacks so I just took them off.

Alexis: Oh, that's always their excuse.
Kirin: (singing) o/~ And there, behold! For them to view, beneath his Scottish skirt/ Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth... o/~

I know how guys like to sleep in their underwear. (smiles)

Alexis: Do you guys?
Kirin: Yep.
Hibichi: Pretty much.
Crow 2: Certainly.
Alexis: Ah. [pause] Hey, wait a second, Crow 2, you don't wear boxers!
Crow 2: You've just never seen me with my trousers off.
Alexis: Oh. [pause]
Kirin, Hibichi & Alexis: HUH?!

"Wow, she loves me so much that she takes off my pants. What a woman."

Kirin: Okay, I know there' some logic in here somewhere, but...

Female voice: Is he awake yet?

Crow 2: (Girl) Cause he's mine, you know.

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: Yes, he is.

Alexis: (Girl) Well, we'll fix THAT in a jiffy!

(Yurika Girl stands at bedside)
 

Freon: Yurika? What are you doing here?

Hibichi: (Yurika) Taking in the side show. Woo hoo!

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: Mr. Freon, there's something we have to tell you. We're not who you think we are.

Kirin: They're aliens from another planet?
Alexis: They're actually anime characters?
Crow 2: They're robots?
Hibichi: They're the walking undead?

Freon: If you guys are drag queens, I'm calling Jerry Springer!

Kirin: Freon, these girls dress like anime characters. I say do it anyway.

(Nurse Ling Ling Girl and Yurika Girl take out black wallets and open them to reveal FBI ID's)

Alexis: !!! The hell is going on?!
Crow 2: The girl chasing got boring, so he went all spy thriller on us.

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: I'm Agent Lang, this is Agent Mitsumori, we're with the FBI.

Kirin: (Ling Ling) We'd like a word with you about your recent UFO sighting...

"JESUS CHRIST IN A BUICK!!! THEY'RE AFTER ME!!!"

Crow 2: (Freon) You'll never take me alive, coppers!

Freon: Okay, ya got me.

Crow 2: ... Aw geez, I'm disappointed in him.
Alexis: (Yurika) You are hereby under arrest for violating fan fiction code #485: No omnipotent self-inserts.

Yurika Girl: We're not after you, Mr. Freon. But we are here for your safety.

Hibichi: (Freon) You're sure you're not here for something else?
Alexis: (Yurika) Fraid not.
Hibichi: (Freon) Not even a little something else?
Kirin: (Ling Ling) Nope.
Hibichi: (Freon) Oh please...
Alexis: (Yurika) Nope. You're in too great of peril.
Hibichi: (Freon) ...You must be gay.
Kirin: (Ling Ling) ... No I'm not...
Crow 2: The Castle Anthrax sketch, ladies and germs.

Freon: So Yurika, you don't have a boyfriend and Ling Ling, you're not a pharmacy assistant from Bothell?

Crow 2: (Ling Ling) Actually, I do moonlight from time to time...
Alexis: (Yurika) What? You think I can't snag a boyfriend anytime I want to?

(Yurika Girl and Nurse Ling Ling Girl put away wallets)
 

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: I'm afraid Hitomi Girl isn't who she seems to be either.

Kirin: She's actually CIA.

(Yurika Girl holds up a wanted poster with Hitomi Girl's face on it)

Crow 2: (Freon) Hmm... Hitomi... wanted for impersonating an anime character needlessly and for whacking people with large mallets. Yep, that's her all right.

Yurika Girl: Hitomi Girl is really Dilanna Arban, aka "The Cosplay Killer". You know the disappearances of otakus from Otakon, Nan Desu Kon, and Fanime Con? Those were linked to bodies found in the Arlington, Denver, and San Jose areas. We have evidence that these poor saps were killed by The Cosplay Killer and you may be next.

Alexis: Crow 2, are you SURE you're not psychic?
Crow 2: Relatively positive...

Freon: Please tell me you're really strippers sent by my buddies from the Anime Cafe.

Kirin: (Yurika) Okay, we're really strippers. Satisfied?

Yurika Girl: GET CRUCIAL, MR. FREON!!! If it weren't for us, you'd already be dead!

Alexis: (Yurika) Keep talking like that and we can arrange that for you quickly!

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: I assure you this, Mr. Freon...we won't let the The Cosplay Killer hurt you. We're here to help.

Hibichi: Wow, deja vu again, huh Alexis?

Freon: But...what about that kiss? I thought you were in love with me?

Crow 2: (Ling Ling) Hee hee hee! You're so cute when you're naive!

(Nurse Ling Ling Girl kneels down at bedside and takes Freon's hand)

Kirin: She left the rest of him behind, though.
Crow 2: (Freon) YEEEOWCH! OW! You crazy bitch!
Alexis: Oh gross.

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: It may all seem like a ruse now...me being a pharmacy assistant and some nice cosplay girl...but the one true thing in all of this is that I really do love you.

Kirin: Oh brother. You can practically hear the violins screeching away in the background.

I try not to get too personal with the people I try to help...but I really have been reading your stories and visiting your pages and now more than ever I love everything about you. I don't want this girl to do anything bad to you because you're such a sweet guy. The world needs more guys like you.

Alexis: Yeah, like a hole in the head.
Kirin: Alexis, this is getting dangerously close to author flaming.
Alexis: Sorry, it's just that all this chick chasing...

Yurika Girl: Mr. Freon, you have to help us out. You need to get back to your hotel room in SeaTac with Hitomi Girl. We'll give you a small transmitter which you will use if you feel you're in danger.

Crow 2: (Freon) How about I just use it now and save you the trouble?

Then a coordinated team of SeaTac Police officers and FBI agents will come in and arrest her.

Kirin: Since when are police squads and FBI agents in spy thrillers ever properly coordinated?

Freon: (sits up) I'm in way over my head. All I wanted was some affection and it so happens that all the girls I like either wanna kill me or are government agents.

Alexis: Just another day in the life of Kintaro Freon, secret agent and self insert extraordinaire.

Nurse Ling Ling Girl: (stands up) Everything's gonna be okay, Kintaro...if all goes well, maybe we'll go on a date. How about that?

Crow 2: (Freon) IF?!

"The things a guy does for love..."

Alexis: I have another word for it, buddy boy...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Kirin: ... or NOT to be continued. That is, indeed, the question.

Conclusion

All: Yaaaay!

We now return to Baka Con II: The Search for Chicks without any further interruptions!

Crow 2: Except from us, of course. Heh heh heh.

"Freon's Log. I'm on my way back to my hotel in SeaTac with Hitomi Girl. I'm scared shitless like a muh-fugga right now.

Alexis: LAAAN-guage!
Hibichi: What's a muh-fugga?

Any time now 'The Cosplay Killer' as she seems to be just might whip out that butcher knife and lance me good.

Alexis: She's going to LANCE him with a BUTCHER KNIFE?
Crow 2: (Hitomi) Tally-ho!

She could at least let me score with her first...

Alexis: Man, that really IS all he thinks about.
Hibichi: He's an otaku. Can you blame him?

but I don't think Karen would forgive me. You know Nurse Ling Ling Girl, better known as Agent Lang? She told me her name was Karen. I think that's pretty. Makes me think 'Kintaro &amp; Karen' would sound like a great otaku talk show, maybe even more popular than 'George &amp; Alana'!

Kirin: (Freon) Whoops! I'm babbling again. Better take my brain medicine.

"But what would I do with an FBI agent for a girlfriend? Movies have taught me that FBI operatives are cold, uncaring, and only strive to get their man.

Crow 2: Doesn't mean we can't fantasize!
Hibichi: Mmmm... Agent Scully...

But Karen seems so warm, caring, and she's got me! And an otaku to boot!

Kirin: How DID she make it as far as she did?

Karen told me she and Katsumi (that's Yurika Girl aka Agent Mitsumori) are in a special division of the Bureau that investigates otaku-related crimes.

Kirin: Well gee, I wasn't aware that otaku crimes were that rampant in America.
Alexis: Of course they are! Just look at all the crappy fanfiction on the internet!

Having only been an otaku since 1997, I'm not fully aware of what crimes an otaku can commit but I'm damn glad she likes anime. Then we could have

Crow 2: An anime film festival! Yay!

something to talk about on our date. And I hope she doesn't get seasick because I wanna take her on that dinner cruise in Seattle!

Kirin: Little was Freon aware of the inner ear imbalance that made Agent Lang practically immobile on ships, but that's another story.

"I am now walking down the hall of the Airport Plaza Hotel to my room as if this were the march to my own death.

Crow 2: Dead man walking!
Hibichi: Huh? Where? [He grabs his katana]
Crow 2: Figure of speech.
Hibichi: Oh.

Hitomi Girl has this look of intent on her face that normally reads

Alexis: "I'm a homicidal maniac."

as 'She wants it' in the normal young adult male mind, but in my head it reads as 'I'll Love You to Death!'

Crow 2: (Elmyra) I wanna hug you and squeeze you and tell you that you're ALLLLLL mine!

I can hear Karen's sweet voice in my mind telling me to say 'Now where's my case of Fresca?' and 'I love anime!' as soon as I have the perp good and cornered.

Kirin: Fresca? The fools... she'll be onto him in a second!

I think too much.

[General snickering]
Alexis: Yeah, but with what?

I hope Karen's gonna follow through on that date..."

Crow 2: Aw, she'll just leave you waiting. I know the type.

(Mr. Freon swipes key card through door lock at the door of his hotel room)

Kirin: (Freon) What do you mean, doesn't register? Damn cheap piece of plastic!
Alexis: (Hitori) Please, Amano-sempai, you're ruining the romance!

Freon: Well, dahling, here we are! (looks at gym bag Hitomi Girl is carrying)
 

"That girl probably has some freaky-ass B&amp;D/S&amp;M devices in that sport tote!"

Hibichi: Cool! I think...
Alexis: Or it COULD just be gym clothes...
Crow 2: (Hitomi) I just brought along all my underwear. I hope you don't mind!

(opens door)

Kirin: Crreeeeeaaaakkk!

Hitomi Girl: Excellent. (evil smile)

Crow 2: It's the daughter Mr. Burns never knew he had!

"I can hear her now...'Jo'o-sama to-oyobi!' and then it's lights out for the Freonator!"

Alexis: Hasta la vista, baby.

(Freon and Hitomi Girl enter room)

Kirin: (Freon) So, how many people have you disemboweled?
Others: D'oh!

Freon: It's not much but I couldn't afford a room at the con site.

Alexis: (Freon) The prices are real killers...
Others: D'oh!

Hitomi Girl: (looks in bathroom) It's perfect!

Crow 2: (Freon) Yeah, it's just like the bathroom from Psycho...
Others: D'oh!

Freon: So whaddya wanna do now? I think there's a good make-out movie on Showtime.

Hibichi: (Freon) Then we could get closer and you could put your hands around my neck --
Others: D'oh!

Hitomi Girl: Oh, I don't really believe in making out on the first date. (really evil smile) The first date is where you get down and dirty and make love like crazed weasels on speed!

Alexis: (Freon) But it'd be really difficult figuring out who's eating hard-boiled eggs on this floor...
Kirin: ... the hell?

"HELLO, NURSE!!!"

Crow 2: And now Yakko, Wakko and Dot have crossed over!

Freon: (sweatdrop) Uh, actually, I'm saving myself for marriage. You know how that goes!

Alexis: (Hitomi) No, but if you hum a few bars, I can fake it.

Hitomi Girl: (flings off sweater and blouse from seifuku to reveal black satin-and-lace Wonderbra holding what could be size 32C breasts) Take me now, you smoldering otaku stud!

Crow 2: Now there's an oxymoron if I ever heard one.

"Jesus Christ in a Buick! And this woman wants me dead!"

Hibichi: Hey, at least you'll die happy!

Freon: (nervous to high heaven) (tugs collar) Yeah...now where's my case of Fresca?

Kirin: (Hitomi) Fresca?! You must be with the FBI! You die now!

Hitomi Girl: (turns around) (bends over)

Alexis: You know, crack kills.

(stands back up and turns around with case of Citra) All I could find was Citra. (puts case of soda back on floor) (moves to Mr. Freon, backing him into dresser) (plays with top button of his shirt) Now I know you want me. I'm 20, so you don't have to worry about going to jail!

Hibichi: (Freon) No, just to the morgue...
Others: D'oh!

Freon: (takes her hands from shirt) Now you don't really wanna do that...

Kirin: (Freon) You don't know where this shirt's been!

Hitomi Girl: Why not?

Alexis: (Freon) Because you're a sweet girl, really, but you should really consider these things before you do them. It could change the rest of your life, after all!
Kirin: (Freon) Or cost me mine --
Others: D'oh!

Freon: (stammers) Because uh, well, uh, uh, I've had bad chest acne since I was 14! Yeah! And I'm totally ashamed of my body! Yeah!

Crow 2: Bravo, Mr. Smooth.
Alexis: Great. Now she'll probably want to rub Noxema on his chest for him.

Hitomi Girl: Oh, you're so silly. (rips Freon's shirt open to reveal wire mike taped to his chest)

Kirin: (Hitomi) Wow, that's one weird case of chest acne... it looks almost like a mike!

WHAT!?!?! (shouts) You sorry little son of a bitch! You were wearing a WIRE!!!

Crow 2: (singing) o/~ She should have worn that wire, that itty bitty wire, and I should've got the great big rose... o/~

(socks Freon in the face, dazing him) (reaches into bag and takes out filet knife)

Hibichi: She's going to make fish for him!
Kirin: He can fil-et in his bones.
Alexis: That's FILLET.
Kirin: I said filet! It's just the British pronunciation.
Crow 2: MOVING ON...

Freon: (sees knife) Mommy!

Kirin: He thinks the knife is his mommy. He definitely needs his brain medicine.

Hitomi Girl: Kimi wo kimi wo aishiteru, kokoro de mitsumete iru. (licks blade)
 

"Our father, thou art in heaven, hallowed be thy name...ah, screw
it...REE! REE! REE! REE! REE! REE!"

Crow 2: He's picked a fine time to turn into a pig.
Alexis: He was a pig to begin with.
Kirin: One more commment like that and you'll start a flame war.

Hitomi Girl: I'd really hate to kill you. You were such a terrific kisser. But I kill someone every con and I'm sure there is someone out there who would rather have you dead.

[Kirin glances at Alexis]
Alexis: Oh look, you know I'm only joking.

Freon: (frozen with fear) I...I...I love...I...love... (shouts) I LOVE ANIME!!!

Crow 2: He loves Annie May?
Hibichi: Oh brother.

(Hitomi Girl raises knife right when SWAT team busts in)

Kirin: She raised the knife right. You see, that's the sign of a true expert.

SWAT officer: FREEZE!!!

Alexis: I don't think Mr. Freeze has anything to do with this...

Hitomi Girl: Oh, shitballs!

Kirin: Oh spaceballs!
Crow 2: That's it -- we're doomed to a PG rating.

(Karen Lang and Katsumi Mitsumori, both still wearing their costumes, come into room with guns drawn toward Hitomi Girl)

Alexis: Oh I get it! So that dream was like foreshadowing! Only... not.

Karen: (sternly) Step away from the otaku, right now, or I swear to Kami-sama I will pump your bitch ass full o' lead!

Crow 2: Whoa. Talk about total role reversal.

Hitomi Girl: (grabs Freon and puts knife to his throat) (evilly) Don't think I won't slit his throat even for a second.

Alexis: (Karen) Oh damn, I thought about it! That's not fair! I couldn't help it!

Karen: Kintaro, stay with me!

Hibichi: This is a fine time to declare your love, lady!

Freon: This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. (passes out)

Kirin: I hate it when that happens. It's a real pain in the butt.
Crow 2: So much for macho otaku man.

Karen: (cries) Kintaro-chan!

[Laughter]
Alexis: Isn't "chan" an ending used for girls?
Kirin: Well, he's hardly acting masculine.
Crow 2: Maybe that was a Freudian slip.
Hibichi: Oh, what would you guys know about Japanese?

Katsumi: (to Karen) Don't let it get to ya, Lang!

Kirin: Aerith Gainsborough IS Agent Katsumi in Baka-Con II: The Search for Chicks.

Karen: (to Hitomi Girl) Listen, ho-bag, you're seriously out-numbered and out-gunned. Either you let him go or I will use any force necessary to take your punk ass down!

Alexis: Some nurse. She has absolutely no bedside manners.

Hitomi Girl: Just try me!

Hibichi: (Freon, waking up) Is that an invitation? *WHACK*

Male Voice from Behind: Bravo, you caught her for me.

Hibichi, Alexis and Crow 2: NOOOO!!
Kirin: ???

Karen: (turns to find Bishounen Guy) And just who are you?

Alexis: A sicko!
Kirin: He's Bishounen Guy! Fighting crime wherever it may be.
Alexis: You weren't there earlier, were you?

Bishounen Guy: (takes out badge) Inspector Ferris, RCMP. Miss Arban is wanted by the authorities in Victoria, British Columbia, for a massacre at the UVIC anime club.

Alexis: Huh...?
Hibichi: Buh...?
Crow 2: Guh...?
Kirin: Why so shocked?

Hitomi Girl: (rolls back eyes) Oh, you know about THAT, too?

Alexis: (Hitomi) I mean, it was such a minor little incident. I mean, what's a few hundred lives?

Inspector Ferris: I see you have your hands on my man, Miss Arban.

[Gagging from Alexis, Hibichi and Crow 2]
Kirin: Wow, that must've been one humdinger of a scene...

Karen: Hey, he's mine!

Alexis: Oh, not again. This guy must be the last cute guy on earth or something.

Hitomi Girl: (sighs disdainfully as she drops knife and Mr. Freon) Screw you guys, I'm going home!

Kirin: And here's Cartman again, playing a dual role as both Freon and Hitomi Girl!

(puts on breathing mask and takes remote out of pocket) (pushes button to release anisthetic gas from her bag, knocking out everybody as she makes a quick escape)

Crow 2: Yeah, that's bound to happen when you don't wash your gym clothes.
Hibichi: Oh, sick.

MOMENTS LATER...

Kirin: Seven years later...

(everyone wakes up)

Alexis: And smells the coffee!

Karen: (sits up) Damn, she has eluded us again.

Hibichi: Oops, looks like they passed the dubbing job onto a less experienced company.

Freon: (sits up) Karen-chan?
 

Karen: Yes, Kintaro-kun?

Hibichi: (Freon) Can we have sex now? *WHAM*

Freon: I had a dream of you...

Crow 2: (Freon) I dreamt that you finally got a chance to get the Triforce, but some guy in black came and took it with a red-and-white ball.
[He gets tackled by Alexis and Kirin.]

Katsumi: (sits up) Was it ecchi?

Hibichi: (Freon) How'd you guess?

Karen: Katsumi...
 

Freon: I dreamt that you, Karen, saved me from "The Cosplay Killer" and we were on the dinner cruise together, dancing and having a nice otaku date.

Kirin: (Karen) Well keep dreaming, pal.

Karen: (smiles and giggles) (scoots closer to Mr. Freon) Well, Kintaro...sometimes dreams do come true. How about after the con?

Hibichi: (Freon) After? But I wanna do it right now!
Alexis: (Karen) Oh be quiet, you big baby.

Freon: Sweet!

Crow 2: [getting up] And sour!

Karen: C'mere, ya big lug... (pulls Freon closer and kisses him)

Hibichi: (Freon) Um, I was thinking more in private... *WHACK*

Everyone else: Awwwwww.

Kirin: They all wanted to do that!

"And that was just the first day. It's LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! Welcome aboard, it's LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! Jack Jones, ladies and gentlemen!"

Alexis: Whoever that is.

FIN

All: Yaaay!

&#169;1999 Stephan James Cox aka Kintaro Amano

Not to be copied or rewritten without permission from author

Crow 2: Come on guys... let's go home.
Hibichi: Um, we pretty much ARE home.
Crow 2: Oh! Right, well let's just leave then.

[They exit the theater.]
 

[Door Sequence: 1-2-3-4-5-6]
 

SoA
 

"Okay folks, C&C?" Kirin began the round table.

"Sexist and crude."

"BESIDES that, Alexis."

"Well, I don't think you could take it too seriously... it's obviously not intended to be as such. But it's definitely not for kids," said Hibichi.

"Well, the writing quality was good, I suppose," Alexis said begrudgingly.

"Definitely for men, though," finished Crow 2.

"You know, there's one thing I don't get, though," said Kirin thoughtfully. "That fic had quite a few... compromising situations. You'd've thought the lemon filter would have caught that."

"Say... that's right," agreed Alexis. "I wonder what happened?"

"I can probably explain that," said a quavery voice behind them.

The others turned around. They stared in shock as Bodger walked out of the shadows.

"What... but you're supposed to be..." Kirin stammered.

"I was... but that damn evil teacher... he must've been planning it all along..." She burst into tears.

"Oh no..." Hibichi looked pained. Alexis moved to Bodger and held her close.

"Uh, Kirin, the message light's flashing..." Crow 2 interupted.

Kirin pushed it.
 

Castle... ?
 

The teacher, wearing a dark hood, now removed it. "How's THAT for poetic justice, eh?"
 

SoA
 

They stared in shock. "KIRIN?"
 

Castle Dark Avatar
 

The elf looked something like Kirin, but with black skin and white hair. "Not quite. I'm from another dimension. My companions and I were locked up in a satellite much like yours until one of us found a way to enter your storyline. From there, it was a simple matter of gaining Bodger's trust long enough for us to take over."

Dark versions of Alexis and Hibichi came into view. They all had similar color schemes to Kirin.

"Well, now that the gang's all here, we can have a little fun! While we plot to take over the world, we will be playing your resident Mads. I hope you don't mind." He bowed.
 

SoA
 

"This... is bad, isn't it?" asked Crow 2.

"You better believe it," replied Kirin.

"So... what now?" asked Alexis, still holding a distraught Bodger.

"Honestly Alexis? I have no idea..."
 

END...
 

********************
 

Hitomi, Nurse Ling Ling and other anime characters property of their respective creators.

All MSTers in this fic belong to me. Nyeah!

Baka-Con II: The Search for Chicks property of Kintaro Amano. No offense to the author is intended by this MiSTing. Particularly not in this case. (Hiya!)

All comments, criticisms and (hopefully few) flames can be sent to bodgerkirin@hotmail.com

Bodger's Notes:

Whoo... dramatic. I really am pretty hard on my own avatar, aren't I? It's kind of fun, though. Don't expect Bodger to do any MiSTing, though... four characters is enough for that. Think of Bodger as the Gypsy of the Satellite of Avatars.

I should point out right now that although the implication is that the lemon filter is no longer in effect, I'm STILL not going to MiST lemons. All it serves is an excuse to riff fics with a bit more risque stuff. And exactly how much can you get out of a PWP anyway? *snoooore*

This is the fourth in the series, but the first to gain true permission by the author for its use. This can also be considered a true "team MiSTing," as numerous riffs were thought up by my friend Amanda.

Last note: Yes, for the most part all future MiSTings will be done in script format. It depends upon the importance of the opening skit in the continuity of the MiSTing world.
 

"We regret to inform you that your son is now a daughter. May God rest his ass."