For those who asked . . .

I received a question on a review of one of my previous MiSTs as to what the phrase, "Sore wa, himitsu desu" actually means. I forget that in the MST3K fandom, there are a lot of people with no experience with either Japanese or anime. For those just as confused, the phrase literally translates to "That's a secret."

A quick comment,though -- although I did it some in the beginning, I've begun to loathe the practice of tossing Japanese words into English anime or video game fanfics. In general, the fic is supposed to be a "translation" of what's going on -- which means that, unless some characters are speaking English with Japanese mingled, it doesn't make any sense for them to be tossing Japanese words in. It's like speaking in Spanish and then suddenly saying a word in Spanish -- which, of course, is pointless, since you're speaking Spanish anyway. The way I see it, it's just the author showing off their Japanese and saying, "Ha ha, I know it and you don't." Authenticity be damned, either stick to one language or another, at least for logic's sake. Or at least only do it if the phrase cannot be in any way translated and still sound like proper English. For example, the phrase "itedekimasu," which is a sort of pre-meal blessing, cannot be translated without sounding rather odd. So you can either say "thanks for the food" (the closest available translation), or just use the phrase and explain to the reader what it means in general. Either way . . .

Right, potentially misinterpreted rant over. On with the fic.
 

********************
Beginning transmission . . .
MiSTing #8
MiSTed Fic: Anime Cafe Otaku Super Troopers: Purple Wrath
MiSTing Status: In loooooove!
********************
 

The New, Improved, Season 1.5 theme song!

For Mystery Avatar Theater, 3000! *thunk*
 

SoA
 

[Bodger is sitting next to the ham radio fiddling with some chemicals. Kirin and Alexis walk in.]

Kirin: Howdy folks, and welcome to the Satellite of Avatars. In case you weren't here for the previous episode, we've for some reason or another managed to establish contact with the famous Joel Robinson of SoL fame. Since he's our only reliable contact to Earth at the moment, and WE'RE his main spy network as to what the Mads are doing, we've just sorta kept it up.

Alexis: Well thank you, Mister Backstory.

Kirin: Although actually, Bodger seems to be hogging the radio at the moment . . . what ARE you doing, Bodger?

Bodger: Joel's teaching me how to be a better self insert!

Alexis: And what would HE know about this?

Joel: #Well, I HAVE read a lot of bad self-insertation fics.#

Bodger: [pouting] You didn't have to put it like that . . .

Joel: #Don't worry, I'm sure you'd be a great self-insert character.#

Kirin: Much like Tom Green will be a successful movie star, I'm sure.

Bodger: Oh shut up, or I'll write you into a lemon scene.

Kirin: [rolls eyes]

Alexis: But really, what ARE you doing, Bodger?

Bodger: Well, Joel says the first thing a self-insert can do is to make anybody they wish fall in love with them. Sometimes more than one person!

Kirin: [wrinkling nose] Bloody marvelous.

Bodger: However, seeing as I appear to lack that ability . . .

Alexis: Among others . . .

Bodger: [ignoring her] . . . we've been developing a love potion so that I can figure out what exactly is required to use this trick.

Joel: #Did you remember to add the Sweethearts candies?#

Bodger: Yep. Goodness knows I had enough of them.

Kirin: [to Alexis] I think I've seen them. You could carbon date some of those boxes.

Joel: #Now keep an eye on it, and make sure it DOESN'T turn red. Take it off the burner when it's pink.#

Bodger: Uh, okay . . .

Alexis: Mind if I take a look?

Bodger: Yeah, sure.

[Alexis looks at it.]

Alexis: Kinda gross, huh?

Bodger: Yeah. Sorta Pepto-Bismol like.

Joel: #In that case, you'd better take it off before . . .#

[It turns red.]

Bodger: Oh crap.

[The potion explodes in Alexis's face. She looks slightly red for a moment, then the effect passes.]

Alexis: Well THAT was unpleasant . . .

Kirin: You okay, Alexis?

[Alexis looks at him. Little red hearts begin surrounding her.]

Kirin: [suddenly nervous] Uh, Alexis?

Alexis: You are one handsome elf, you know that, Kirin?

Kirin: [blushing] Er . . .

Alexis: [teasingly] Come here . . .

Kirin: [backing off] This is wrong on so many levels . . .

Alexis: Ah come on, you afraid of lil' ol' me?

[Kirin runs off. Alexis runs after him. Crow 2 and Hibichi walk onscreen.]

Hibichi: Um, dare I ask?

Bodger/Joel: NO.

Hibichi: Oh great, the Mads are calling, and Alexis and Kirin aren't here!

[Hibichi presses the message light.]
 

Castle Flipside
 

[A large map is on the back wall. Dark Kirin is pouring over this while at the same time looking over a long printout. Dark Hibichi is holding up the tail end, which is obviously VERY heavy judging by his stooped shoulders. Dark Alexis is in front.]

D. Alexis: You know, we REALLY must thank you for introducing us to Mr. Robinson. I don't think I've seen Kirin this happy since the Vietnam War. By the way, where's your adult supervision?
 

SoA
 

Crow 2: . . . Occupied.

[Kirin staggers by with Alexis glomped onto him.]

Alexis: Just one kiss?

Kirin: Ack, NO!

Hibichi: So why aren't you using your little army?
 

Castle Flipside
 

D. Alexis: Oh, Kirin vaporized the lot of them. I wouldn't mention the name S-T-E-V-E anytime soon. though . . .

D. Kirin: WHAT WAS THAT?!

D. Alexis: Ohnothingnothingatall!

D. Kirin: I hope not!

D. Alexis: Anyway, seeing as he's occupied, we just dug into the files of one of your old friends.
 

SoA
 

Crow 2: Oh no . . .

Hibichi: Please not . . .

Bodger: [confused] Eh?
 

Castle Flipside
 

D. Alexis: Indeed! A certain Kintaro Amano!
 

SoA
 

[Hibichi is setting up a noose. Crow 2 is uncapping a bottle of bleach.]

Bodger: Stop that! Nobody dies around here unless I say so!

Crow 2: Yeah, whatever.
 

Castle Flipside
 

D. Alexis: Ah yes, really flaunting your SI-ness, eh Bodger? This fic is so bad, it actually managed to drive the members of another Satellite insane! It's Anime Club Otaku Super Troopers episode one: Purple Wrath! We're going to win with this one for sure! HA HA!
 

SoA
 

[Lights begin to flash.]

Hibichi/Crow 2: WE'VE GOT FREON SIIIIIGN!

[They grab Bodger's arm and begin to drag her in.]

Bodger: HEY!

Crow 2: It's your fault we're out two MiSTers, you'll have to substitute!

[Door Sequence:
   Door 6: It's a vault door, complete with combination lock.
   Door 5: It's Power Rangers versus Superhuman Samurai Cyber Squad! Who'll win? Who cares? You sidestep
   them.
   Door 4: It's a long clique of anime babes waiting to see Freon. You point him out in the other direction and
   they all run screaming towards where you pointed.
   Door 3: It's a boulder. You shout, "Open Sesame!" and it moves aside magically.
   Door 2: The Sailor Senshi? No, just a bunch of guys dressed like them. Shuddering, you move on.
   Door 1: It's an ordinary theater entrance.]

[Seated from left to right: Hibichi, Bodger, Crow 2]

Bodger: But I'm no good at this!
Crow 2: That's just 'cause we were all there that time! Now there's only two of us! You'll do fiiiiine.
Bodger: [mumbling] I was supposed to be the one who sent the fics . . .

>DISCLAIMER: The following may contain violence, adult language, and/or gross humour. Discretion advised.)

Crow 2: Not to be seen by anybody under the age of, well, a hundred and fifty.
Bodger: Ah come on, it can't possibly be THAT bad!
Hibichi: Just you wait.

>Anime Cafe Otaku Super Troopers in Purple Wrath

Bodger: Not just seeing red, but seeing purple!
Crow 2: See! It's not that hard.
Bodger: Really? Hee, I could get into this.
Hibichi: You say that NOW, but . . .

>By Stephan James Cox

Bodger: [standing in her seat and waving] WOOO! WOOOOOO! Hi, guy!
Hibichi: Bodger, we know you're a self-insert and all, but if you don't stop that right now we WILL kill you, end of the universe be damned.

>Starring....

Crow 2: Freon . . .
Hibichi: Anime babes by the dozens . . .
Crow 2: And some other guys. Everybody beyond the first two are irrelevant.

>Golden Boy

Bodger: So when did you get a role in a Freon fic, Crow 2?
Crow 2: Oh har har har.
Hibichi: I'm sorry, that image just doesn't mesh with my perception of the guy.

>"Kick ass!"

Hibichi: Is that an invitation?

>
>Pez

Hibichi: As in "Freaky-Fantasy-In-The-Navy" Pez Dispenser?
Crow 2: So his fics ARE all just one big collection of in-jokes!
Bodger: The truth is out there.

>"I may never understand women."

Bodger: See, it's this sort of attitude towards education that explains the decline in the American education system.

>and Ecchi as himself

Hibichi: Oooh boy, I worry about a guy nicknamed "Ecchi."
Crow 2: I would too, if I understood what the hell it meant.
Bodger: Slang for pervert.
Crow 2: That wasn't a request for a definition.
Bodger: Oh.

>"Anyone wanna watch Tokio Private Police?"

All: No.
Hibichi: I may act like a hentai, but the animes still suck.

>TONIGHT'S EPISODE:

Crow 2: A Psychotic One, starring Crow 2, Hibichi and Bodger.
Bodger: Play nice.

>Purple Wrath

Crow 2: Must be the "Grape Juice of Wrath."

> It was a bright spring day in the Northwest.

Bodger: And by bright, we mean rainy, but with the sun shining through the clouds. It's kind of a neat effect.

>The Anime Cafe was closed today for one reason and one reason alone...

Crow 2: Defumagation.

>EVERYONE'S AT BAKA-CON!

Hibichi/Crow 2: AAHHHH!!!!

>Yes, Baka-con,

Hibichi/Crow 2: AAAAAAHHHH!!!!

>that yearly orgy

Hibichi/Crow 2: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

>of non-stop anime at the Seattle Doublebush Inn at Southcenter.

Hibichi/Crow 2: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
Bodger: STOP IT! Man, you're making me go deaf!

>Golden Boy (cos-playing as Golden Boy),

Hibichi: Gee, ya think?

> Pez (cos-playing as Kasuga Kyosuke in a Karate uniform) and Ecchi (cos-playing as some unknown anime character called Ecchi the >Pimp) were walking down the aisles of the trade show. "Check it out!" Golden Boy said as he held up some cards of some anime girls. "I >got these Tokimeki Memorial cards for 5 bucks!"

Bodger: [aside] By the way, what's riffing backlash like? I wanna know so I can try to avoid it.
Crow 2: I'll show you. *Ahem* They're naked, too. Aren't they great?

> "I know a table where you can get cards of them naked." Ecchi said.

Bodger: Hey! That's not backlash! You looked ahead!
Crow 2: Well I can't very well demonstrate if I don't, right?
Bodger: Hmmph.
Crow 2: Fine, DON'T believe me.

> "Don't make me kick your ass, Beavis." Golden Boy then said indignantly.

Hibichi: It's the return of the "Then saids!"
Crow 2: [Butthead] Huh-huh, huh-huh... shut up, dickweed.

> Pez then took his Kasuga Kyosuke karate gi and put it over his head proclaiming that he was "Cornholio-sama." Golden Boy then >smacked Pez upside the head and said "Dammit, boy."

Bodger: And on that completely pointless note . . .
Hibichi: Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.

> Pez took his karate gi off of his head and said "You know, Golden Boy, I have a feeling we're gonna kick some ass today."

Crow 2: He knows because he called the Psychic Ass-Kicker's Hotline.

> "Me too." Golden Boy said.

> "You guys want to lick some ass?" Ecchi inquired.

[Pause.]
Crow 2: That, incidentally, is typical Freon humor.
Bodger: You've GOT to be kidding me.

> Pez pounced on him and started hitting at him.

Hibichi: Well, I suppose it's better that hitting ON him.
Crow 2: That sort of shenanigan is reserved for the girls.
Bodger: AHEM.

> Just then Rik, the Otaking, came along wearing a Big Gay Al t-shirt.

Bodger: And nothing else?
Crow 2: Isn't she supposed to enforce AGAINST these kind of riffs?
Hibichi: Hey, I don't mind . . .

> "Hi guys, how's it going?" Rik asked.

> "Great," Pez said. "How about you?"

Hibichi: [Rik] Pile of crap.

> Doing his best Big Gay Al impression, Rik replied "Super, thanks for asking." He then used his normal voice when he told the guys "I >have to talk to you in private. Got a moment?"

Crow 2: [Golden Boy] I've got a LOT of moments just as long as they're with you.
Bodger: Crow 2 . . .

> "Ecchi, have you been doing the Forbidden Dance again?" Golden Boy said.

Hibichi: The Macarena?

> "Oh, come on, my underwear was riding up on me." Ecchi replied. "I had to."

Crow 2: Should have gotten Fruit of the Loom, Ecchi.

> Golden Boy, Pez and Ecchi then followed Rik.

Bodger: . . . off a cliff. They were like lemmings, really.

> The guys followed Rik into the men's bathroom. "I have some disturbing news." Rik said.

Crow 2: [Rik] The toilet's backed up. I need one of you guys to unplug it.

> "What could be more disturbing than Pez and Ecchi salsa-dancing?" Golden Boy said with a chuckle.

Hibichi: Golden Boy singing karaoke!
Bodger: HEY!

> "We have just received intelligence that Barney is going to hijack Baka-con." Rik said.

Crow 2: [Fred Flintstone] Barney-boy! Say it ain't so!
Hibichi: And next, he'll highjack the Post company and steal him some Fruity Pebbles!

> "Don't use the words 'intelligence' and 'Barney' in the same sentence." Pez said.

Bodger: [Pez] For that matter, don't use the words 'intelligence' and 'Barney' period. They offend me.

> "I'm serious." Rik said. "We're going to need the Anime Cafe Otaku Super Troopers for this one."

Crow 2: [Golden Boy] I'm sorry, did you say the Annie May Cafe I Talk To Pooper Scoopers? I wasn't paying attention.
Bodger: Crow 2 . . .

> "You can count on us." Golden Boy said before he raised his fist and called out "Golden Boy!"

Bodger: BODGER!
Crow 2: CROW 2!
Hibichi: HIBIIIICHI!

> Pez raised his fist and called out "Pez!" Expecting them to hear "Ecchi!"

Hibichi: Odd, there didn't seem to be anything TOO inappropriate about those last few statements . . .
Bodger: It's the guy's name.
Hibichi: Oh yeah.

>they looked over to find Ecchi was not with them.

Crow 2: Alas poor Ecchi, he has departed from this world.

>They looked around to find Ecchi standing over a urinal taking a piss.

Bodger: Oh geez, do we really need to see this?
Crow 2: Now now, I'm sure it's important for plot development.
Hibichi: If there was any, I'm sure this wouldn't be it.

> "Ecchi, how many Pepsis did you drink?" Pez asked.

> "Too many to count." Ecchi answered before he let out a big burp.

Hibichi: Which promptly devastated half a city block.
Crow 2: Barney Gumble and Wakko Warner have NOTHING on this guy.

> Meanwhile, Barney the Dinosaur lumbered his way to the front desk. He pointed at the digital clock and asked the clerk "Is that clock >accurate?"

Bodger: [Clerk] Not since they initiated Daylight Savings Time, it hasn't been.
Crow 2: [Clerk] I doubt it. It hasn't run for five years.
Hibichi: [Barney] But that makes it accurate twice a day, right?

> "It should be." the clerk said. Barney put a wet rag over his mouth and took out a remote.

Bodger: He was about to watch Seventh Heaven and needed to control his gag reflex.

> "Then it is time." Barney pressed a button on the remote and the Barney song played over every speaker in the hotel. Everyone fell to >their knees in agony as Barney's gang of terrorists stormed into the hotel.

Crow 2: Ahhh. Who needs stun grenades when you have children's music?
Bodger: I guess this means they're "having a barney," eh?
[The others stare at her blankly.]
Bodger: *sigh* Never mind . . .

> "Dear god, man!" Golden Boy exclaimed as he, Rik, and the rest of the Super Troopers stood in the men's room.

Hibichi: [Golden Boy] It's a freaking dump in here! What the hell did the last person who used this place have to drink!?

> "We are too late!" Rik stated.

Bodger: Better late than never, I say.

> "Make the evil music stop!" Pez cried as he put his hands over his ears.

Crow 2: You know, something about this whole thing just seems like one big case of poetic justice.

> "Ahhhhhh." Ecchi contentedly sighed as he adjusted his pants before saying "Why is the Barney Song playing over the speakers?"

Bodger: Because they decided it was more tolerable than endless Britney Spears muzak.

> "You moron!" Golden Boy said. "We have to stop a terrorist attack led by Barney!"

Hibichi: The Super Troopers! Formed by the Bananas in Pajamas to fight the forces of other kiddy shows.

> "This is a job for..." Pez said before he, Golden Boy and Ecchi shouted in unison "THE SUPER TROOPERS!!!"

Crow 2: Can I go and stuff them into a phone booth now?
Bodger: NO.
Crow 2: Ah come on! Superman changes in a phone booth!
Bodger: I said NO.

> "GOLDEN BOY CRISIS POWER MAKE-UP!!!"

> "PEZ CRISIS POWER MAKE-UP!!!"

> "ECCHI CRISIS POWER MAKE-UP!!!"

Hibichi: Power . . .
Crow 2: Make-up?
Bodger: Uh oh . . .

> A flash of light then filled the men's restroom.

Crow 2: That's the power of the scrubbing bubbles!

>When it subsided Golden Boy, Pez, and Ecchi looked different. VERY different.

Bodger: They looked like the Teletubbies.
Crow 2: I'll bet Pez turned into Tinky-Winky.
Bodger: What's THAT supposed to mean?
Crow 2: Oh, nothing . . .

>Golden Boy was wearing the uniform of Captain Yurika from "Nadesico", Pez was wearing the hardsuit of Asuka from "Evangelion" >and Ecchi was dressed as Cutey Honey. "Yep," Rik said. "Cross-Dressing Anime Ass-Kickers!"

[All stare in disbelief.]
Crow 2: I feel that this was about the point the other Satellite denizens went insane . . .
Hibichi: Hey, maybe some guys will hit on Golden Boy! [pause] Urp, I shouldn't have said that . . .
Bodger: Oh Freon, Freon, Freon . . .

> "Super Troopers move out!" Golden Boy said before he and the rest of the Super Troopers ran off out of the restroom.

Bodger: [Wakko] I can't potty in there, it's disgusting!

> The Super Troopers ran down a hall when they were stopped by Barney and his gang of goons.

Hibichi: [Barney] All right youse louses, come outta dere right now or we pump youse full of bullets!

>Barney laughed his stupid laugh and said "Hi, boys and girls...or should I say BOYS that dress like GIRLS!"

Crow 2: Oh THANKS for REMINDING US!
Bodger: They should take that as a compliment. Think Eddie Izzard.
Crow 2: Think RuPaul.
Bodger: Er . . .
Hibichi: Considering he's just run into a bunch of cross-dressing guys, Barney's handling it remarkably well. Not bad.

> "Shut up, you purple peckerwood!" Golden Boy yelled.

Hibichi: "Purple peckerwood?"
Bodger: o/~ It was a one eyed, one-horned, flying purple peckerwood . . .o/~

> "What is it that you want, Barney?" Ecchi asked.

Crow 2: [Barney] I want you to DIE, Mr. Ecchi!

> "I want everyone in the world to bow down to my purple feet!" Barney said in his stupid voice.

Bodger: [Barney] And I want them to be respectful towards the rest of my body as well!
Crow 2: Bodger, lay off the puns.

>"So I must squash the infidels starting with you. First Baka-con, then THE WORLD!" Barney then laughed maniacally.

Hibichi: Sorry Barney, the Pokemon beat you to it.
Bodger: Heh, just shows that dinosaurs really DID move slowly . . .

> "Calm down," Pez said. "Have some dip."

Crow 2: Freon brand, probably.
Bodger: [Jessica Rabbit] Oh my God, it's DIIIIP!

> "You, my friend, are one sad, sick little mo-fo." Golden Boy said.

Hibichi: [Barney] Oh yeah, THIS from a guy who dresses like a girl to fight crime . . .

> "I think you need a hug." Barney said.

Bodger: [Barney] A nice TIGHT hug that'll snap your bones like --
Crow 2: Uh, Bodger?
Bodger: Sorry, I'm just a little annoyed.

> "I'll hug you only if you look like Rei Rei." Ecchi replied.

Crow 2: Okay, I think we've pretty much established that Ecchi lives up to his name. Can we actually see some character development now?
Hibichi: Crow 2, this is a Freon fic.
Bodger: Enough, you two!
[Pause.]
Crow 2: Who's Rei Rei, anyway?

> "I think you need an ass-kickin!" Golden Boy said with a smile.

All: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, THEY'RE GOING TO KICK ASS, NOW GET ON WITH IT!!!

> "Get 'em, boys!" Barney said to his goons.

Crow 2: It's sad to see favorite childrens characters turn to organized crime.
Bodger: It catches them all in the end. You know, the Sesame Street gang are secretly a faction of the Mob.
Hibichi: I'm willing to bet Pikachu is secretly a Yakuza agent.

>The goons charged on the Super Troopers. But when they got near them, the goons were beaten by the Super Troopers one by one.

Crow 2: Do you suppose Freon's been taking fighting lessons from Stephen Ratliff?
Bodger: Nah, that's just typical SI ability. *sigh*

> "Don't hit me," Golden Boy said as he beat at the goons with two pairs of nunchuks. "I'm not to be hit."

[Giggling.]
Crow 2: [Golden Boy] I am SI! You're not allowed to hit me! It's in the SI union contract!

> "Die, evil scum!" Pez yelled as he beat them down with his Tae Kwon Do Karate.

Bodger: But . . . those are two completely different martial arts . . .
Hibichi: Okay Bodger, first rule of MiSTing: Don't think, only react.
Crow 2: Take the riff from my hand, grasshopper . . .

> "Boku wa Kami-sama!"

Bodger: "We are hair?"
Hibichi: Geez, an SI who can't translate Japanese . . .

> Ecchi said with a smile as he whupped the goons butts with a staff.

Bodger: All right, I know what you two are thinking, and let me just say that the first one to say it gets load pan duty for a week.
Crow 2/Hibichi: [meekly] Yes, Bodger.

> When the last goon was beaten there was a stand-off between Barney and the Super Troopers.

Hibichi: [Barney] Reach for the skies, varmints!
Crow 2: No no no, that's a STICK-UP.
Hibichi: Sorry.

> "Looks like we have ourselves a Mexican stand-off, boys and girls." Barney said.

Hibichi: Suddenly, I'm in the mood for tacos.

> "Yo quiero Taco Bell." Golden Boy replied with an evil chuckle.

Hibichi: D'OH!
Bodger: Oh, THAT'S backlash. Okay.
Crow 2: La fanfic es muy estupido.
Bodger: [Barney] Ahhh, ¡hablas espanol! ¿Que tal?
Hibichi: [Golden Boy] Er . . . Konbonwa? Look, it's just a catch phrase, I don't know what it means . . .

> Barney then put a wet rag over his nose and mouth, took out a can of sleeping gas and said "It's bedtime, boys and girls!" before >laughing stupidly, pulling the pin and dropping the gas grenade. A cloud of sleeping gas filled the area. The Super Troopers were starting >to lose consciousness.

Bodger: And so were the audience members. FROM BOREDOM.
Crow 2: Whoa whoa whoa, what happened to the "no dissing Freon?" shtick?
Bodger: Sorry, this is really beginning to get to me.

> "Oh, damn it all." Golden Boy said as he passed out.

Hibichi: [Posh] Damn and blast! The little blighters got us again!

> "I feel super." Pez said as he collapsed.

Crow 2: He's about to pass out and the last thing he thinks of is Big Gay Al?
Hibichi: I wonder what the real Pez makes of this charming little running gag?

> "I hope I have an ecchi dream." Ecchi said as he keeled over.

Bodger: If I see one more sentence that establishes Ecchi's perviness . . .

>Barney then dragged off the incapacitated Super Troopers.

Crow 2: . . . to a jail cell to sleep it off for the night.

> Golden Boy slowly woke up, followed by Pez and Ecchi. "Aw, damn, where are we?" Golden Boy said groggily.

Bodger: YOU ARE HERE ===>.
Crow 2: Wow! And I thought I was good at pronouncing that sort of stuff!
Bodger: [smugly] I'm not COMPLETELY pathetic, you know.

> "That sucked." Pez said.

> "I just had a wicked dream." Ecchi said with a smile. "I was that girl from Count Down and I..." Ecchi then felt a weird feeling in his >underwear. "Damn, that was a helluva dream." Ecchi then said.

Bodger: THAT IS IT! [begins glowing red]
Crow 2: Uh?
Hibichi: HIT THE DECK!
[Hibichi ducks, dragging Crow 2 with him.]
Bodger: DEUS . . . EX . . . MACHINA!!!!!
[Pause. The screen suddenly explodes in a brilliant display of color. When it's finished, a large shower of Skittles rains down upon the audience. The screen is otherwise in tact. Hibichi and Crow 2 get up.]
Crow 2: . . . the hell?
Hibichi: Ki attack. I think. Though they're usually a little more destructive than that . . .
Bodger: [bitterly] Shut up.

> "Wakey-wakey, boys and girls!" Barney said to the Super Troopers. The Super Troopers found that they were in what used to be an >anime viewing room where the big screen TV was now showing Barney videos. They also found that they were bound to the wall.

Crow 2: Bound to the wall?
Bodger: Must be strong rope if it can punch through walls.

> "Oh, crap." Golden Boy said when he found that he and his compadres were bound to the wall.

Bodger: I call a moratorium on S&M jokes.
Crow 2/Hibichi: Aww . . .

> "We're stuck!" Pez said.

Hibichi: Thank you, Mr. Obvious.
Crow 2: (Pez) We can't move away from this wall! We're tied down! We're . . .
Bodger: All right already!

> "Sonuvabitch." Ecchi said.

> "Dammit, Barney, you have gone too far!" Golden Boy yelled.

Bodger: No, going too far was when they released those ninety-eight dollar "Talk Along with the TV" dolls. I still think that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

> "Nonsense." Barney said. "I just had a perfect plan for world domination and you didn't like it."

Crow 2: [Golden Boy] Oh, so it's MY fault, is it? You're always sooo petty.
Hibichi: [Barney] Well you never put the toilet seat down!

> "Do you expect us to bow down to you?" Golden Boy then said.

Bodger: [Barney] Well kinda, but seeing as you're tied to the wall I'll let it pass for now . . .

> "No, Super Troopers...." Barney replied. He then took a .44 Magnum pistol, cocked it and said "I expect you to DIE!" Barney then >stupidly laughed maniacally.

Crow 2: D'OH!
Bodger: Wow! That's one hell of a case of backlash! I really must check your programming for clairvoyancy protocols.
Hibichi: Stupidly laughed maniacally?

> "You are one fucked-up purple fruitcake." Golden Boy said.

Bodger: Oh great. So much for family entertainment.
Crow 2: Was this entertaining? I hadn't noticed.

> "Maybe if you renounce your allegiances to anime I might spare your lives and induct you into my army." Barney said. He then pointed >the gun at Ecchi's head and told him "Now tell your good friend Barney that anime is evil and Barney is good."

Hibichi: Do you get the distinct impression Freon doesn't like Barney?
Bodger: Hey, it's not nearly as wrong as "Sailor Moon: The Ultimate Evil . . ."

> "Don't do it, Ecchi!" Pez shouted.

Crow 2: [Ecchi] But I live for it! It is my passion in life!
Bodger: Crow 2 . . .
Crow 2: It's true! It's true!

> "Semper Fi, Ecchi, Semper Fi!" Golden Boy yelled.

Hibichi: [Golden Boy] Fear my Latin powers! FEAR THEM!
Crow 2: I'm more afraid of his "latino" powers.

> "Well?" Barney said. Images of his favorite anime ran through Ecchi's head.

Bodger: And she in her nightgown and I in my cap, had just settled down for a long winter's nap.

> "N-.....NEVER!" Ecchi snarled. "NEVER!"

Crow 2: Boy, is he that desperate for "La Blue Girl?"

> "Your funeral!" Barney said with a laugh as he pulled the trigger and blew out Ecchi's brains.

[Pause.]
Crow 2: Is that . . . allowed?
Bodger: Well, Ecchi isn't actually a self-insert . . .
Hibichi: Look at it this way: no more lemon-tinged comments.
Bodger: And you're happy about that?
Hibichi: Even we have our standards.

> "OH MY GOD," Golden Boy shouted. "HE KILLED ECCHI!!!"

> "YOU BASTARD!!!" Pez added.

Crow 2: [Cartman] It's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippy crap!

> Barney then walked over to Golden Boy, pointed the gun to his head, and said "Now how about you? Are you gonna be a good boy or a >dead naughty boy?"

Hibichi: Never sacrifice your principles, Freon!
All: Go for number two! Number two!

> "Oh, shit." Golden Boy said nervously.

Crow 2: D'oh! Not THAT number two!

> "Now now," Barney replied. "Let's not use the potty mouth."

Bodger: Oh har har har. Urinal lot of trouble for that joke.
Crow 2: Now now, you wouldn't want to piss him off, would you?
Bodger: Don't be such a potty pooper.
Hibichi: Just keeping you from going up shit creek without a paddle!
Crow 2: Ah, bathroom humor . . .

> "Potty, potty....pot....pot....pot." Golden Boy stammered.

Bodger: He really IS a Teletubbie! Scary!

> He then thought out loud

Crow 2: Sex sex cars sex anime sex self-insertation sex . . .

> "What would the Canadian Snowboarder Dude do in a situation like this?" Suddenly there was a puff of smoke and a flash of light. From >the other side of the room came a man who was wearing a red ski outfit with a Canadian maple leaf on the left chest along with a gold >medal hanging around his neck holding a snowboard.

Bodger: The gold medal is holding a snowboard?
Crow 2: It's into extreme sports.

> "Hello, eh?" the Canadian Snowboarder Dude said. "I'm the Canadian Snowboarder Dude, eh?"

Hibichi: [Canadian Snowboarder Dude] I'm a Canadian stereotype, eh?

> "Kick ass!" Golden Boy exclaimed.

Crow 2: [CSD] Okay!
Bodger: [Golden Boy] OWCH!

> "Canadian Snowboarder Dude, can you help us?" Pez said.

> "Yeah, what would you do in this situation?" Golden Boy then said.

Hibichi: What would MacGyver do?

> "Well, eh," the Canadian Snowboarder Dude said. "I'd smoke a fat doobie, eat some Twinkies and kick some ass, eh?"

Bodger: What is with this unhealthy obsession with kicking ass?
Crow 2: Well, if you follow the Simpsons, he's part Australian.
Hibichi: [Australian Judge] Disparaging the boot is a bootable offense!

> "Can you do that?" Golden Boy asked.

> "Well, I don't have any weed or Twinkies so..." the Canadian Snowboarder Dude said before he looked at Barney and said "Wait a >minute, eh? You're that Barney hoser who took my little sister's virginity, eh?"

Bodger: Uh, you know that comment I made about "Sailor Moon: The Ultimate Evil?"
Crow 2: Yeah?
Bodger: Forget it.

> "Do you want to die too, Canadian Snowboarder Dude?" Barney said. The Canadian Snowboarder Dude then beat Barney over the head >with his snowboard before freeing Golden Boy and Pez.

Hibichi: Down came the Fairy Godmother, and she said...
Bodger: And yet somehow, this sequence fails to inspire me.

> "Thank you, Canadian Snowboarder Dude!" Pez said thankfully.

Crow 2: Brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department.

> "How about we head to our hotel room and we party?" Golden Boy said. "Bring some weed, some Twinkies and some babes."

Bodger: So just the three of you then?

> "Sure thing, eh?" the Canadian Snowboarder Dude replied. "But first finish off that purple hoser right there, eh?"

Hibichi: If you leave him out too long, he'll spoil.

> "All right." Golden Boy said before he shouted out "GOLDEN BOY FUNKY-"

Crow 2: -- SMELL COMING FROM THE BATHROOM! EW!

> before being interrupted by Barney.

Bodger: [Barney] Disco is dead, you jerks!

> "Not so fast, boys and girls!" Barney said as he got up. "I know your weakness, Super Troopers!"

> "Oh yeah?" Pez replied.

> "What is it?" Golden Boy said.

Crow 2: Freon Freak-out Cooler!

> Barney then took a Japanese high school girl's sailor fuku which was hanging on a hanger and flashed it in front of Golden Boy and Pez.

Bodger: [Barney] Yes! It's dry cleaning bills!

> "Sailor fuku!" Barney said as he held up the fuku.

> "Sailor fuku!" Golden Boy exclaimed! "Yes!" He and Pez went into a euphoric drooling stupor at the sight of the sailor fuku.

Hibichi: Oh please. I'M an otaku and I'm not nearly that pathetic.
Bodger: Tsk. They've got a fuku fetish.
Crow 2: If this keeps up, WE may have to monitor HER.

> "Oh crap, eh?" the Canadian Snowboarder Dude said. "Here, you dumb hosers, drink this, eh?" He then handed Golden Boy and Pez a >can of Surge each.

All: SUUUUUUUUUUUURGGGGGEEE!
Crow 2: That stuff should be banned. It's an addictive substance.

> Golden Boy and Pez chugged down the cans of Surge. They snapped out of their fuku-induced stupors.

Bodger: Hang on, if they were in a stupor, they shouldn't have even noticed the drinks, let alone chug them.
Hibichi: INTENSE . . . INCONSISTENCY . . . ACTION!

> "SUPER TROOPER SURGE STORM!!!" Golden Boy and Pez shouted before they unloaded a thrashing attack on Barney, beating the >purple dinosaur into submission. "SUPER TROOPERS! YES!" Golden Boy and Pez then yelled as they high-fived.

Crow 2: Yeah! Way to beat up the beloved childhood icon of thousands of kids across the country! Whoo!

> "This isn't over, boys and girls." Barney said before he passed out from his injuries.

Hibichi: You gotta hand it to him, he never quits.

> Later Golden Boy and Pez were sitting in their hotel room drinking Surge. "You were right, Pez," Golden Boy said. "We kicked ass."

All: ARRRRRRRRRGHHHH!!!

> "Too bad about what happened to Ecchi." Pez said.

> "He will be missed."

Crow 2: For about two seconds.

>Golden Boy said as he and Pez touched cans.

Bodger: Booty call!

>Suddenly a knock was heard coming from the door.

Crow 2: IN the door, that is. They had a real nasty termite problem.

> Golden Boy answered the door to find the Canadian Snowboarder Dude with two young women, one of them wearing sailor fuku who >looked like Miyuki from "Miyuki-chan in Wonderland" and the other wearing leather dominatrix outfit and carrying a cat-o-nine-tails >who looked like the Queen from "Miyuki-chan in Wonderland." "Hey, Canadian Snowboarder Dude!" Golden Boy said to him. "And >who are these fine young girls you've brought?"

Bodger: [Golden Boy] Ah, he's brought a gift of appeasement! You have served me well.

> "I'm Miyuki-chan." the Miyuki girl said, bowing.

Hibichi: [Miyuki-chan] I'm underage! And you're under arrest!

> "Jo'o-sama toyobe!" the Queen woman said, Japanese for "I want you to call me Queen."

Bodger: o/~ I see a little silhouetto of a man . . . o/~

> "Who's at the door?" Pez called out.

> "The Canadian Snowboarder Dude and some friends!" Golden Boy said.

Crow 2: [Golden Boy] Have you been running up the Visa bill again, Pez?

> "I also brought some weed and Twinkies like you asked, eh?" the Canadian Snowboarder Dude said.

> "There's not enough women for all of us." Golden Boy said.

Bodger: WHAT?!
Crow 2: She's not going to pull that "key" attack again, is she?
Bodger: No, no, it just caught me off guard. I am going to have a LOOONNG talk with that boy . . .

> "Hey, wait for me!" a female voice called out from down the hall as closely-drawing footfalls were heard.

Hibichi: They need to stop doing that. The paper gets real illegible and you can't make out any of the pictures.

> A girl who looked like Captain Yurika right down to the hair and the uniform came to the door. She looked at Golden Boy with his >Captain Yurika uniform and said "Nice taste in fashion."

Bodger: Well SHE'S pretty blase about the whole thing.
Crow 2: [Yurika] Oh my God, we're wearing the same thing! I'm so embarrassed!

> "Thanks." Golden Boy said.

> "You wanna be my Akito?" the Yurika girl asked Golden Boy.

> "Surrrrrre!" Golden Boy said as he invited the group in. "And now....we party."

>THE END

Hibichi: And now . . . WE party.

>(c)1998 Stephan James Cox, Team Freon

All: TEAM Freon?!
Crow 2: Yeesh, what a thought.

>Team Freon, Seattle/Hawaii

>Email: teensquad@hotmail.com

Hibichi: You realize how tempted we are to make flame and letter bomb jokes at this time . . .
Bodger: Please don't.

>Not to be altered or reprinted without permission from author

Crow 2: He's going to regret giving it to us.
Bodger: I'm outta here. Now I know WHY I chose my avatars to do this.
Hibichi: Hey!
Crow 2: I'm pretty sure you're breaking some pretty hefty labor laws...
 

[Door Sequence: 1-2-3-4-5-6]
 

SoA
 

[Kirin is desperately trying to pry Alexis off with a crowbar. She's still pretty determined. Crow 2, Hibichi and Bodger come on screen.]

Kirin: Look Alexis, I feel it is best for all concerned that you get the hell off of me right now.

Alexis: Ah, that's my widdle Kirin, always worrying about others . . .

Kirin: [wincing] Gragh . . .

Crow 2: Still hasn't worn off, I take it?

Bodger: Well, I did get the recipe from the best.

Kirin: [grimly] Remind me to show you my appreciation sometime.

Joel: #I wouldn't worry -- it should be wearing off any time now . . .#

[A little "doink" sound is heard. Alexis stops, looks up, and recoils in horror.]

Alexis: Um, Kirin, I didn't . . .

Kirin: No, but you were pretty damn close.

[Alexis looks at Bodger. She smiles a little too sweetly.]

Alexis: [sing-song] Oh Boooodger . . .

Bodger: Oh gee, look at the time, I think X-Files is on.

[She runs off.]

Alexis: Get back here! [She chases after her.]

Kirin: Hey! Give me a piece of THAT action . . . [He follows.]

Hibichi: . . . She really needs a backbone.

Joel: #So... comments?#

Hibichi: Typical Freon.

Joel: #And that is?#

Crow 2: Lots of womanizing, bad language and gratuitous strange behaviors. Also a dangerous case of SI syndrome.

Joel: #Sounds like a lot of stuff I had to read.#

Hibichi: Trust me, be thankful you don't have to read this one. Ulp, the Mads are calling.

[He presses the message light.]
 

Castle Flipside
 

[There's a huge pile of computer paper where D. Hibichi used to be. D. Kirin is still looking at the map not paying any attention.]

D. Kirin: So if we follow the coordinates of the transmission and take into account all possible roads, plus the chance that he could be taking a car, then odds are . . . are you paying attention, Hibichi? [Glances over at the pile of paper.] Hibichi?

D. Hibichi: [muffled] Help! I can't breathe!

D. Kirin: Oh you whiner. Stick it out.

D. Hibichi: [muffled] I think I'm blanking out . . .

D. Kirin: [noticing screen] Ah, I see you've finished the fic! Well brace yourselves, because that was just part one of a SERIES of fics! Prepare for some deep hurting, my friends!
 

SoA
 

Crow 2: Would you stop with the Dr. Forrester impressions, for God's sake?
 

Castle Flipside
 

D. Kirin: [blinking] What impression?

D. Hibichi: [muffled] Feeling . . . sleepy . . .

D. Kirin: Oh brother. Cut the com, Alexis.

D. Alexis: Whatever you say, Ste- er, Kirin.
 

---FWOOSH!---
 

[Overheard]
D. Kirin: What was that, Alexis?
D. Alexis: Nothing at all! Really!
 

END!!!

***************************************

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) by Best Brains Inc. All rights reserved.
All anime characters property of their respective creators.
All MSTers in this fic belong to me. Nyeah! (Well, Crow 2 is borderline.)
Anime Cafe Otaku Super Troopers: Purple Wrath is the property of Kintaro Amano. No offense to the author is intended by this MiSTing. At least, no intentional offense.
All comments, criticisms and (hopefully few) flames can be sent to bodgerkirin@hotmail.com

Bodger's Notes:

People may be wondering about the mention of the "other Satellite" in this. According to Freon, this fic actually resulted in one MiSTer retiring from the biz. I can't remember exactly what the circumstances were. Does this mean I'm made of stronger stuff? Probably not, seeing as I could've SWORN I saw more MiSTs by that author . . .

Oh, and Freon? Seek help. "Barney is my friend. Barney will not beat me and throw me in the basement . . ."

Side note: This is a massively modified version from the original. In addition to the HTML, there are also numerous changed and added riffs, no emoticons, and note asciis instead of tildes to depict singing. The original is still on my massively outdated web page. I'll update someday, maybe . . .

Later note: Read the original MiSTing of this fic. It kicks ass.

Crow 2: Kicks . . . ass?
Hibichi: Oh great, now SHE'S doing it!

> "Don't hit me," Golden Boy said as he beat at the goons with two pairs of nunchuks. "I'm not to be hit."

Lost in the Plot? Here's the series thus far:

Episode 1: Nuku Nuku and the Werecabbit
Episode 2: Tsuki Ni Kawatte . . . SPOON, Bub!
Episode 3: Legend of the Triforce
Episode 4: Baka-Con II: The Search for Chicks
Episode 5: The Escape
Episode 6: Anime Northwest Love Boat
Episode 7: MSTie Wars
Episode 8: Anime Cafe Otaku Super Troopers Episode 1: Purple Wrath