The Mystery Science Theater 3000 concept & related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best 
Brains Inc., whereas the MiSTing avatars are copyright of their respective authors.  Sailor 
Moon, DragonBall Z, Final Fantasy, Xenogears, and the other characters who crop up in random 
places are copyright some other random Japanese people.  
This story and respected numerous original characters copyright of Dave Paradise (AKA Dyne).
And as we said before, Dyne, we mean you no harm.  We like you as a person, and the serious 
fanfics are cool, but script-type fanfics with self-inserted characters scare us to no end.  
So we may not be generous in some areas than we hoped.  Therefore, consider this as C & C.  
With a bite.

TRK in association with MST4k and MAT3k present:
MultiMiST #001: Extreme Crossover Havoc
Co-Misted by Bodger (bodgerkirin@hotmail.com), Darth Kirby (georgebobolink@hotmail.com), and 
R. Jak (WYVERN5555@aol.com)
Featured story: "AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon" by Dyne (paradised@yahoo.com)

Part Deux
Beginning transmission...
*****
For those of you not familiar with the story so far, here is a quick and thorough summary.  

*CEO Nwabudike Morgan, head of Morgan Industries acquired the rights to a fanfic known as 
"AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon", a device so volatile it temporarily robbed the sanity of certain 
people who read it.  After using it as an effective torture device to political prisoners, 
Morgan soon grew convinced that he himself can test the wills of entire systems with the 
story.

*In order to do a fair test, Morgan abducted six subjects from three corners of the universe.  
First he acquired two out of work RPG characters known as Dark Knight Garland (Final Fantasy 1) 
and Adol Christian (Ys series).  Then, after a few days research, he abducted two paroled 
avatars named Alexis Davenport and Kirin Torak.  When plans to abduct Brak and Zorak fell 
through, Morgan decided to fill up the two spaces with a sock puppet named Ying and a 
cardboard replica of Jim Carrey.

*Early on, reactions were satisfactory.  The subjects were a bit upset with the unorthodox 
depictions of certain canon characters and reacted with barely concealed rage with the self-
inserted characters' tendency to display unheroic talents and dispensation to rely on potty 
humor. With the story half finished and the worst yet to come, Morgan has organized a long 
break for the group.

* And so, while the group takes a break once again for snacks, we are left to reflect...what 
about the fate of the others left behind?

********************

"GONE?!?" Judicator Aldaris shouted from the vidscreen. "What in the name of the Khala and the 
Eighteen Prophets do you mean GONE?"
"That's what I said, boss," Dekar explained, sweatdropping intensely. "Garland and Adol were 
doing some maintenance on the power drive so we can hook up the Dreamcast, and when I bring in 
lunch, they disappeared. Voom. Vanished into thin air."
"Well, that is just great." Aldaris pouted. He then looked back. "You sure they have not...
escaped, do you?"
"We hope not," Gamma replied. "It would be kind of rude for them to leave us behind."
Zeratul leaned into the shot. "I am not sure on that respective hypothesis," he replied. "You 
did have a tendency to be a bit annoying and..."
Aldaris silenced his minion with a backhand. "Well, anyway, it seems we will have a while to 
discuss and relocate your companions. It should not take long."
"That means you're not going to do the experiment?" Dekar asked, hopefully.
"I implied no such thing."
"Nice try, Don King," Gamma growled in response.
"Actually, you might find this very interesting," Aldaris continued while lifting up a tape 
which radiated evil. "I ran across an old friend from my days at the mad scientist academy who 
had this nice Resident Evil fanfiction cooling on his shelf. Considering the situation, I 
believe this will be sufficient for today."
Dekar and Gamma looked at each other.
"I believe Adol wanted a Resident Evil fanfiction," Dekar replied. "Can't you wait until he 
comes back?"
"I only rented it for 48 hours and believe me," Aldaris's eyes glowed red for a second, "I 
prefer to get this over with."
"And...this would be?"
"Something by an author called PJ," Aldaris put the tape in. This was the most rewarding part 
of his job, hearing the shrieks of his captives. 
"Enjoy."

********************

Some characters, when various members of their satellite disappear, might be inclined to 
actually go out and look for them.
In Crow 2 and Hibichi's case, the absence of the responsible adults meant all the games of 
Pokeball baseball they could play and an unlimited supply of RAM chips and Pocky.
Of course, this was quickly ended as a result of two factors: one, the Pocky soon ran out, and 
two, a very, VERY grumpy SI just so happened to get beaned by a Pokeball upon emerging onto 
the bridge.
The two avatars froze as the small red-and-white device flew towards the door and smacked 
Bodger point blank on the forehead.  Holding the ball in her left hand and rubbing the sore 
spot with her right, she glared balefully at the two of them and snapped, "What the hell was 
THAT?  Why aren't Kirin and Alexis stopping you two?"
Hibichi stared down at his feet.  "Um, actually the two of them vanished a couple hours ago 
while we were fixing a plot hole in the hallway," he mumbled.
"WHAT?  And how long were you going to wait before you TOLD ME?"  Bodger screeched.
"Sore wa, himitsu desu," he replied.
"Oh, shut up.  Computer, locate Kirin and Alexis NOW," the Queen of the Satellite demanded.
"Kirin Torak and Alexis Davenport are currently participating in a crossover," replied the 
computer in its digital way.
"CROSSOVER?  I never okayed a crossover!  Who's the grandmaster?"
The computer made a series of very electronic sounds.  "Name is registered as Centauri 
resident CEO Nwabudike Morgan." 
"Huh, a newbie, eh?  We'll soon sort THIS out!"  She pulled out a small cell phone and dialed 
an incredibly long number.  "Hello, Central Office?  Get me the head of Crossovers NOW."  She 
tapped her foot impatiently as an orchestral version of "Hit Me Baby, One More Time" played on 
the other end.  Finally, she seemed to reach the person she was calling.
"Hello, I'd like to report an unregistered crossover.  The grandmaster's name is Nwabudike 
Morgan.  ...Yeah, that's right, Morgan.  Why... er, who again?  ...That rich, huh... and how 
many lawyers?  ...uh huh.  Er, wow... carry on, then."  She hung up and looked at the others.  
"Folks, I think we're gonna have to wait awhile before they come back."
"Yeah, that's really telling them, Bodger," said Crow 2 sarcastically.
"Shut up."

********************

On the lonely 3rd Floor of Normal West High School, Joel hungrily munched on a bag of Doritos 
as his newest episode of Ranma 1/2 danced on the screen.
"Yowza! Get a load of Shampoo's-oh, Jim isn't here."
Joel munched on a few more chips as the Mads light finally flashed.  A channel was opened.  
"Hey, Mr. N. What's new with you?" Joel replied.
"Not much, joyless minion. And you?" laughed the overtly evil Mr. Dave Nelson, Physics teacher 
and Mad Scientist.
"Jim and Ying vanished into thin air."
"Who?"
"Never you mind," insisted Joel. "But I'm too busy for an experiment today."
"Oh, are you?"
"Yeah, I've gotta work on the funeral arrangements."
"Oh, I understand. I had to arrange a funeral before," admitted Mr. Nelson.
"Really? Whose?"
"Tod's," Mr. Nelson smiled, referring to his incompetent assistant, "He just doesn't know it 
yet."
"You really ought to quit killing him. It can't be good for his health," moaned Joel.
"Quiet, prole! Fine, you get today off, but tomorrow we're talking about Whitney Matheson 
marathon!"
The line blinked out and Joel found himself alone again. That's when he noticed that Angela 
had entered the room. 
"So they just vanished?" she asked, her voice filled with a melancholy worry.
"Yeah. I suppose I'm going to have to write the eulogies."
"I'll help," Angela said hurriedly.
Joel smiled and pulled out a pen.
"I'd like that."

********************

Meanwhile, Morgan convinced the group to go back into the theater.  And so, the second part of 
the torture begun.

[Switching to script mode]
All: Here we go again...

> AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon: The Conclusion
> By Dyne
(riotous applause)
Adol: Alright!  Thirty pages to go!

> (At the Sailor Scouts' base) 
Jim: Super secret agent Joanna Dark began infiltration.

> Yuffie: Now?
> Girls: (Sounding bored) Yes...
Kirin: (Yuffie) Really?
All: No.
Jim: No, twenty minutes ago.  YES, now! 

> Yuffie: It was I who took over-
> Girls: (Still sounding bored) Wrong line...
> Serena: Start with your next one.
Ying: (Yuffie) Just sit there and yawn? 
Kirin: (Girls) That's our line! 

> Yuffie: Sor-ry! *Ahem* 
Adol: (Yuffie, singing) Oh my hero, so far away...
(Kirin covers Adol's mouth.)  

> Yes! Soon the world will be mine! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha-
Ying: See, why *write* dialogue when your characters can just laugh evilly?

> Girls/Cid: (Just stand there and yawn)
Jim: It's official, folks.  Straight from the characters' mouths, this stuff is BORING.

> Yuffie: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
> Cid: What makes you so damn sure!?
> Yuffie: Once the threat of your friends and my former allies has been 
> eliminated 
Kirin: (Yuffie) I will hold the world at ransom for...one MILLION dollars.

> I will easily be able to discover the correct fanfic to 
> rule the world! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha-
Adol: She's officially laughed more than Kefka did in the entirety of Final Fantasy VI.

> Serena: (Whispers to Cid) Looking for those bad fanfics made her mind 
> snap a little.
Ying: We all go a little mad sometimes...
Morgan: (over mike) Tell us about it.
(Garland and Alexis come back in with refreshments.)
Alexis: Did we miss anything?
Ying: No.
Garland: Pity.

> Cid: (Whispers back) No s**t.
> Yuffie: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Now, take him to the 
> dungeon and subject him to the most horribly painful sort of torture
> known to man!
Jim: It has nothing to do with Mr. Winky and a sharp knife, does it?
Alexis: Now really...
Jim: What?  I was just asking.

> Cid: F**k! Don't tell me you're going to have 'em strip!
Garland: He said torture, bonehead.

> Yuffie: Much worse. Take his cigarettes!
Ying: Then take his nicotine patches! Then take his nicotine gum! Then take his nicotine 
Weight Watcher's meals! Then take his nicotine Jolly Ranchers! And then he'll be upset. 

> Cid: F******************************************************K!!!
Jim: Oh, that just means "From early on, I realized that smoking is quite bad for me. 
JFK!!!" 
Garland: JFK? 
Jim: He was a staunch supporter. 
Adol: Is it too late to hit him?
Alexis: Get in line.

> (At the hideout. Steel, Spanky, Goku, and Fei are still playing Smash
> Bros.)
Kirin: Clearly, they've got their priorities straight.

> Spanky: (Playing as Luigi) 
Garland: The part of Luigi will be played by some freakin' monkey.

> I don't see why we couldn't have made it a team battle!
Jim: I don't see why we couldn't skip this scene all together, but that's life. 

> Steel: (As Kirby) This is Goku and Fei's first time, we had to make it
> a free-for-all.
Alexis (Steel): Yes, rather than relying on team support and possibly standing a chance by 
helping one another out, we initiate newbies by making it every man for himself.
Adol: There's a Darwinistic moral in there somewhere.

> Goku: (As Fox) 
Garland: So he got his tail back.  That's good.

> And I suck! Getting blown off my own ship! (Gets shot off by an 
> arwing) S**t! Falco I'm gonna blow your @$$ to another dimension!
Ying: A dimension, not of sight or sound, but at least it doesn't have these bozos there. 

> Fei: (As Ness) I love this! I'm really kicking some serious @$$! 
> (Picks up a hammer and hits everyone off) Yee ha!
Jim: I don't know about you guys, but I'm beginning to feel a bit- 
Ying: Don't say it! 
Jim: Hammered! 
(Garland cold cocks Jim with the sword handle.)
Kirin: I guess that's why they call it "Smash" Brothers. 
Alexis: Dude, you ripped a hole in his head.
Ying: 'Salright.  I got duct tape.  (he looks around) God knows how I can apply it.

> (Upstairs)
> Tifa: Now you know why you shouldn't bring your own drinks in here, 
> Bart.
Adol: (Bart) It didn't stain the sheets that badly!  Gimme a break!

> Bart: (Shocked) He stole my "Bartweiser"..
> Cait's Friend: (Chugging the last can) Tequila man!
> Cait Sith: He's going to have a major hangover tomorrow.
Jim: Methinks he'll be too drunk to notice. 
Garland: If he doesn't collapse into a coma and choke on his own vomit first.  He's been 
drinking since the beginning of the fic, for Skuld's sake.

> Red XIII: No s**t Sherlock! He's drunk every bottle that had anything
> to do with alcohol!
Garland: Gotta admit.  He's thorough.
Adol: (Tifa) Unfortunately, that includes that can of finish that I left in the dining room. 
Ying: (Red XIII) Over by the credenza? 
Adol: (Tifa) Oh, yes. Now he's going to die... finally. 

>Cait's Friend: (Chugging a bottle of Dayquil) Tequila man!
Kirin: What kind of idiot would go to that level of desperation? 
(Jim coughs) 
Adol: Spill it, Carrey. 
Jim: Well, I once went to a church Bingo session to feed my gambling habit. 
(pause) 
Ying: Jim, this is the first time you've left the 3rd floor. How the hell did you get to a 
Bingo parlor? 
Jim: Oops! Sorry. I thought I was David Alan Grier again. 
Alexis: There's never a trebuchet when you really need one...

> Bart: He stole my "Bartweiser"...
> Vegeta: (Finally pulls his tongue out of Aeris' throat) Damn, all the 
> way through the intermission, that's a record.
Kirin:  Meanwhile, Aeris has choked to death on Vegeta's tongue and is slowly going into rigor 
mortis.
Adol: (blinking) That's... dark.
Kirin:  Thanks!

> Barret: Your line, foo'!
Garland: (Vegeta) Excuse me, but I'LL tell you if it's my line or not!

> Vegeta: Oh, sorry. I think Cloud should be done by now.
> Aeris: We'll wait for him.
Adol: As opposed to taking the Highwind out and going to Switzerland?
Alexis: They can't do that.
Adol: Why not?
Garland: Cid's the only guy who knows how to drive it.

> Vegeta: Okay! (Shoves his tongue back in)
Ying: Oh, what mighty powers the Saiyans behold...
Kirin: Have you ever noticed most lemons concentrate on Cloud and Tifa rather than Cloud and 
Aeris?
Garland: That's because more authors respect Aeris as a person.
Jim: And she's less stacked.
Garland: I'd think that as irrelevant.
Adol: No.  I'd consider that a factor.

> Cloud: (Walks in) That bastard Dav is a traitor!
> Vincent: A traitor?
Alexis: (Vincent) Well, I don't see anything wrong with that... I mean, it's a nice healthy 
profession, and it's good for the economy...
Ying: (Cloud) That's TRAITOR, not TRADER!
Alexis: (Vincent) You just figured that out?  Boy, you ARE as dim as they say.

> Tifa: What'd he do?!
> Cloud: I was interrogating the Sailor b***h and he suddenly attacked 
> me from behind! Then ran out!
Jim: (Cloud)  ... of barbecue sauce!  I don't know why I'm bringing this up, but it just 
made me so mad!

> Barret: Dat foo'! But we shoulda seen him.
> Cloud: He cut a hole in the back wall and ran off with her through 
> there!
Kirin: Ya know, cutting a hole in the back wall doesn't sound like such a bad idea right 
around now...
Alexis: Too late.  Garland already tried that.
Ying: And?
(Garland holds up a chipped sword)
Adol: Ouch.

> Tifa: Well, the Atma Weapon does have that power.
Jim: But we still need some concrete evidence! A blood sample, a torn fuku, anything! 

> Cloud: And right before she was about to spill their guts on who their 
> f**king leader is!
Ying: How could she spill their guts? 
Kirin: Maybe they're all anorexic. 

> Cait Sith: Did you at least learn where their base is?
> Cloud: On a chain of islands south of Hyrule.
> All: Hyrule?!
> Bart: He stole my "Bartweiser"...
Alexis: Non-sequitur of the year, folks!
Adol: Hyrule stole his "Bartweiser"?  That foolish little third-world country!

> Red XIII: Maybe Link'll be available now.
> Vincent: I don't know, he may still be caught up in that marriage 
> nonsense he put himself in.
Ying: Yes, the moral of the Zelda games was that it's wrong to help people because they'd be 
chased by women. 

> Tifa: The least we could do is get him away from that fish b***h. He 
> did help us last time.
Alexis: Waiiit... weren't they just trying to blow up Hyrule a while ago?
Garland: They were calling him fairy boy too.
[pause]
Alexis and Garland: LOGIC NOT IN BUILDING AGAIN!

> Cait/Barret/Red/Vince/Cloud: Not by much, though.
> Tifa: Well anyway, let's go to Hyrule and get him!
All: Do we HAVE to?
Ying: Yeah, they've got to do something while the Mercury/Dav plot develops. 

> Cloud: Come on you two!
> Vegeta: (Takes his tongue out, AGAIN!) Oh nuts...
> Bart: (Finally out of shock) Better get the four downstairs. (Heads 
> down)
Jim: Yes. Go get those...four. Those four with the great personalities who we often remember. 

> Aeris: What about Cait's Friend and Steve?
Alexis: What ABOUT Cait's Friend and Steve?
Adol: KILL THEM!  KILL THEM!

> Steve: Babes!
> Vegeta: I don't know.
Adol: Didn't you hear me?!?  KILL THEM!  NOOOOW!

> Cait's Friend: Fejita man!
> Vegeta: I TOLD YOU NEVER TO CALL ME THAT YOU F**KIN' LOSER!!! 
> EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! HA!!! (Blows Cait's Friend into 
> another dimension.)
> Cait's Friend: Teeeeeeeeequuuuuiiiiiillllaaaa maaaaaan!!! (Disappears)
Adol: THANK YOU!  Now get the perv!
Ying: Nooo! The only remotely likable character in the whole fic! Gone! 
(Cait's Friend flies across the room and lands on the far side of the theater.)
Garland: Oh great.  Did he have to blow him into OUR dimension?
Morgan: (over mike) Security.  Restrain the drunk.
(A few servbots drag the body off)
Cait's Friend: Tequila ma...BLAAAAARGH!
Alexis: Ew.

> Red XIII: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That takes care of him!
> Barret: We gonna hafta take dat foo' Steve with us!
Garland: Yeah.  Maybe they'll find a place to bury him.

> Steve: Babes!
> Vincent: But we'd better wait until tomorrow, it's getting dark.
> (Downstairs)
All: Oh no.  Not again.

> Steel: Die you Saiyin pussy!
> Goku: Oh come on! I'm sick of that line! (Hits Kirby off with a 
> lightsaber) 
Adol: Ha! I think Kirby is way too well trained in the dark side of the force to fall 
for...
Ying and Jim: YES!  Ha ha!  Take THAT, Kirby!
Adol: I'm detecting some real issues here.

> Ha! Not even the defeat of a Saiyin warrior will make the Saiyin 
> stronger!
Kirin: That sentence just isn't parsing.  I'm sorry.
Alexis: (Goku) However, a strict diet regimen and loose fitting red clothing helps too.

> Fei: (Grabs Fox and throws him off) Looo-hoo-hoo-ho-ser!!!
> Goku: Poopy!
> Spanky: Fei wins again!
Garland: (angrily) KILL SPANKY!  KILL KILL KILL!
Adol: Whoa.  Settle down, Garl.

> Steel: Now where is Dav? He could beat Fei.
Jim: THIS Fei could be defeated by a good conk on the head. 

> Bart: (Comes down) Dav betrayed us all!
> All: HUH?!
> Bart: He attacked Cloud and ran away with the prisoner.
> Spanky: Well that utterly SUCKS!!!
Ying: Well spoken, Spankmeister. 
Alexis: He puts his feelings of betrayal and anger so ELOQUENTLY!
Garland: KILL SPANKY!  KILL HIM!
Jim: Um...whoa.

> Bart: But we know where their base is so tomorrow we're going to 
> attack it. But before that, we're stopping at Hyrule to get Link.
> Goku: Not the fairy boy!
Adol: No.  Parade Kid's not coming.

> Bart: Too bad!
Kirin: See, now I'm still confused.  Does he like Nintendo or hate it?
Alexis:  It's a very bipolar relationship.

> (On Round Island the sun is slowly setting)
Jim: ...and the residents are finding themselves doomed to a burning death.
Kirin: And he says I'm getting dark.

> Dav: (Leaning against a tree, facing away from Sailor Mercury, 
> watching the sunset.) 
Ying: (Dav) Is a far, far better place that I go to than I have ever known. Is a far, far 
better rest than I will ever know... 
Adol: (Sailor Mercury) What is it, Dav? 
Ying: (Dav) Just a message Spock was trying to tell me...on my birthday... 

> You know, I don't even know your name.
> Sailor Mercury: (Sitting in the grass next to a small fire) Well as 
> Sailor Mercury I'm simply called Sailor Mercury.
Alexis:  Really?  Gee, I thought they called you "Moldiver."
Kirin: Actually, when she puts that visor on, she DOES kinda resemble her...

> Dav: (Laughs) Yeah, I figured that.
Garland: (Dav) Yeah, I knew that the whole time. (To himself) Stupid Dav! Stupid! Stupid! 

> Sailor Mercury: I'm not Sailor Mercury the whole time. 
Adol: Why not?
Garland: It's not a good idea to wear a fuku ALL the time, idiot.

> (Reverts) As a normal person my name is Amy Anderson.
Kirin:  No relation to Gillian, of course.

> Dav: (Turns around to see her in her reverted form) 
Garland: (Dav) OH MY GOD!  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

> Amy? Nice name, for a nice girl.
Adol (Amy) And your name's Dav?  Stupid name for a stupid boy.

> Amy: I'll bet you say that to all the girls.
> Dav: Actually no. I vowed to never love again after my friend was 
> killed in the explosion...
> Amy: Explosion?!
Ying: That's what happens when you don't lay off the beans, Dav.

> Dav: (Sighs) I guess I should tell you everything. 
All: Please do!
Adol: While you're at it, explain Cait's friend, willya?

> (Looks at her) But before I'd better wash you a little more. (Walks 
> over to a nearby stream and dips a piece of cloth in the water)
Ying: Whoa-ho-ho.  He really DOES move quickly.
Jim: Nightime Nurses from Jersey ain't got nothing on this. 
Alexis:  ...Damn.  Even I think that's dirty.

> Amy: (Watches him as he moves closer) That cloth, for some reason it 
> seems very important to you. It's age gives it all away.
Garland: (Amy) Not to mention the food stains, and the moth holes... okay, so maybe it 
DOESN'T mean that much to you.

> Dav: (Kneels down and washes her bleeding spots) 
Jim: I hope it's not her time of the month- 
*WHACK*
Alexis: Ow! I got a paper cut! 
Jim: (chuckling) Even cardboard cutouts have their natural defenses. 

> This was my great-great-great-grandfather's bandana. 
Kirin: (Amy) Didn't respect him much, did you?

> His name was Locke, one of the heroes who destroyed Kefka 200 years 
> ago. I'm his only living descendant.
All: Oh...
Adol: Some guy didn't like thieves then. 
Garland: Treasure hunters, nimrod.
Adol: Right.

> Amy: That sword you use, was that also your grandfather's?
Jim: (Dav) Nope.  Stole it from some wuss named Obi-Wan.  

> Dav: Yeah, it's called Atma Weapon. It changes it's holder's power 
> into a sword. But for some reason only I can use it. 
Ying: So really, what proof do we have that it works that way? What if it just responded to 
the level of cheese in the holder's body? 
Garland: Excuse me, but don't mention cheese during this.
Ying: Sorry.

> (Finishes washing her) There, you look much better. (Stands up)
Alexis: (Dav) It might get infected, but it isn't my fault.

> Amy: I also thought I'd never be attracted to someone... but after 
> the first time I met you...
Jim: (Amy) ...I realized I'd never be attracted to anyone but women.

> Dav: I know what you mean, the same thing happened to me. Well anyway
> the story. 
Kirin: (Dav, in funny voice) I was the son of a poor Phillipino merchant... 

> I have no idea where I was born, I've never met my real mother. 
(Garland takes out a violin and starts playing a weepy tune)

> I grew up in Gongaga village under the false name, Dave Linshire. 
Kirin:  Just as long as it wasn't "Dave Lister," or else I'd have to shoot him.
Adol: (Dav) That Rimmer was a smeghead, I kin tell ye that.

> I was taken to Gongaga when I was about a year old and the first 
> thing I ever remember hearing was my mother saying to the Linshire 
> family, 
Ying: (mother) Good God, this baby's ugly.  

> "His name is Dav." But I never believed that until much later.
Alexis:  Oooh, yeah. I have a hard time believing my name is Alexis Davenport.
Kirin:  Or that my name's Kirin Torak.

> Amy: So you did know your real name early on?
> Dav: I denied it. I thought I'd be Dave Linshire forever. But only a 
> couple of years ago I learned that I was right. 
(Adol starts writing down something in a book.)

> At that time I also learned my false name was used to protect my 
> heritage.
> Amy: It must have been painful.
> Dav: (Sighs again) It was. 
 (Jim looks over Adol's shoulder.)
Adol: Do you mind?
Jim: Sorry.  Thought you were doodling.  
(Garland continues his violin solo.)

> I grew up with my friends Zack Garek and Jessika Leifa. She was the 
> one killed.
Ying: Yeah!  His close friend Zack and Jessika!  I'll bet ya Shera was also a close family 
friend of his.
Kirin: He was school buddies with Chocobo Joe and Butch, too.
Alexis:  And he loved Lucretia like a mother...

> Amy: So you named your chocobo after your friend?
Adol: (Dav) Nah, I named my chocobo after Jesicca from the Sweet Valley High series. Those 
were great books... 

> Dav: Yeah, Jessika was my teacher's daughter. 
Kirin (Amy) Didn't like her that much either, eh?
Alexis: I think it's sweet.
Jim: Naming a smelly bird after a dead friend is not what I'd call sweet.  (looks at Adol)  
What ARE you doing anyway?
Adol: Writing down the back story.  It sounds good.
(Garland stops playing)
Garland: You mean you've been FOLLOWING this?
Adol: Why not?

> He was the only one other than my parents who knew my heritage and 
> was the one who told me the truth. Rand gave me Atma Weapon and the 
> bandana.
Kirin:  A big rhino from Breath of Fire II gave him the Atma Weapon and a bandanna?
Ying: He was paying him back for giving him a bit part in another RPG.

> Amy: What caused the explosion?
> Dav: There was a mako reactor in the village. 
Alexis: A mako reactor? Does that make sharks? 
Jim: Maybe it makes bad Jimmy Buffet songs. 

> I was off in the Shinra elite group SOLDIER at the time. 
Garland: He WOULD.
Ying: He was assigned to the SI Squad with Zor the Man, Darren Vicks, and DJ Croft.

> Zack entered the army three years before me and he disappeared on a 
> mission five years ago, no one's heard from him since. Cloud knows 
> what happened but won't talk about it. 
Alexis: (Cloud) Hi, my name is Cloud! I know what happened to your friend Zack. It's a 
chilling story that I'm sure would make you happy to hear, but I can't tell you since I'm 
busy staring at shiny objects. Thanks! 
Jim: (Dav) After that conversation, I was pretty sure he was the one who killed him.

> Anyway the explosion's true cause is still unknown. My family was 
> blamed and killed. I would've been killed also 
Garland: But he's the self-insertion and he had immunity.
Adol: (keeps writing, then looks up) How'd you spell 'annihilation'? 

> but my loyalty to the service only prompted Shinra to kick me out of
> SOLDIER, I was lucky.
Kirin: I'll say! That movie was terrible! 

> Amy: What did you do then?
Ying: Went into refrigerator maintenance.

> Dav: I went east to Fort Condor where I lived for two months. 
Alexis (Dav) I became known only as Condorman. 

> I needed to return home but the only port to its continent was the 
> city where the army's headquarters was located and they would've 
> killed me. 
Jim: They let him go anyway.  One less mouth to feed. 

> I snuck up into the city anyway, sabotaged their airship, killed my 
> former commanding officer, and fled on a cargo ferry. 
Alexis: In typical Marissa Picard style, no doubt.
Ying (Dav) It was just one of those spur of the moment things.  Like when I held off the 
Mongol hordes using only a jar of pickles and a dog named Winky.

> Little did I know that Cloud and his group would be there only a week
> later. Also that sabotage of the airship influenced many of the 
> events in Cloud's journey, but I was too wrapped up with my problems
> to care.
Adol: It was his "goth Tortellini Domino period" probably.

> Amy: Am I hurting you by having you tell this story?
Ying: (Dav) YES!  Thanks for asking!
Jim: (Amy) Could you continue then? 
Ying: (Dav) You're not one of those weird S&M freaks, are you? 
Jim: (Amy) Come on, I hang out with the Sailor Scouts! 
Ying: (Dav) That's disgusting! And yet undeniable erotic... 
Garland: Your pain will be legendary if you keep that up.
Jim and Ying: Whatever...

> Dav: Actually no. I usually hate to even think about it, it usually
> leaves me cold and cruel for hours, 
Alexis: (Dav) Then I do crochet and everything settles down.

> but to you I don't have that problem. Anyway, after I got home and 
> saw the damage I nearly committed suicide. But Rand stopped me and 
> told me the truth. 
Adol: (Rand) Kid, you're an SI and you stink.  Piss off.

> After receiving Atma Weapon I headed north and encountered an iron 
> golem 
Garland: So it IS set in Breath of Fire 2!
Jim: I bet he had Katt as a girlfriend for a while, then.
Garland: (angry) Don't...even...joke about that.

> attacking a chocobo. That was the first battle where I used the Atma
> Weapon. 
Kirin: (Dav) I flew straight into a tree and the golem died laughing.

> It's power is incredible!
Jim: It's festibularly awesomorama normirific! 
Adol: Are any of those real words? 
Jim: Just be picky, why don't you. 

> Amy: You don't have to stand up you know. Sit.
All: Good doggie.

> Dav: Okay. (Sits next to her) I utterly annihilated the golem and the
> chocobo 
Garland: YES! 

> wouldn't leave me alone 
Garland: Aw, dammit.

> so I decided to keep her. I was extremely scared the first time we 
> went over water also. 
Jim: I suppose being fired at by Geena Davis on her pirate ship didn't help either. 

> Anyway it turned out that she was the last wild gold chocobo on the 
> planet. 
Adol: (writing) Had a real half-assed streak of luck involving wildlife.

> I named her after Jessika and we worked as monster hunters.
Ying: It was a tough time. No social interaction, no money, no real food.  He would have to 
go for weeks without insulting someone. 

> Amy: (Moves closer to him and puts her head on his shoulder)
> Dav (Surprised): After about six months I met the AVLANCHE team after
> by accidentally reviving one of their friends 
Garland: (Dav) Yeah, but Cloud was sore at me for a while after that.

> and helping them to defeat a giant monster they invited me to live
> with 'em. And I've been living on and off with 'em ever since.
Jim: And he's been a potty mouthed plot device ever since. 
Adol: (takes out pad) Okay, to recap, folks.  Dav is Locke's descendent, the only one able to 
use Atma Weapon despite the fact anybody with sword ability could use it in the game, was best 
friends with Zack, made it into SOLDIER when Cloud didn't, wasn't killed outright by SOLDIER 
when they kicked him out, revived Aeris, and is an honorary member of AVALANCHE.
(silence)
Garland: ...*sob*...
Kirin:  There there.  We'll bring Bodger over to your Satellite sometime and you can take your 
aggressions out on her.

> Amy: What do you do when you're not living with 'em?
Jim: Chasing after people in sailor outfits. 

> Dav: Either Dyne doesn't write me into his fics (God forbid) or I'm on
> vacation.
> Dyne: I'm feeling that this is getting too serious here!
*CRASH!!!*
Ying: (Dav) Do you mind?  I'm trying to score!
Garland: (Dyne) Too bad!  She's MY girlfriend now!

> Dav/Amy: Too bad!
> Dav: Well you'd better get some sleep, you've had a really hard day.
Jim: (Dav) You just fall asleep. Ignore this pan of hot water! Ignore it! And the shaving 
cream! Ignore that, too! 

> Amy: What about you?
> Dav: I'll be alright.
> Amy: See that you are. Good night, Dav. (Kisses his cheek and lies 
> down on the other side of the fire)
> Dav: (Has this really surprised look on his face) Uh... good night.
Alexis: Yep.  Real surprised.  So surprised, we can't even begin to describe it.

> Amy: (Falls asleep instantly)
> Dav: (Throws some sticks onto the fire then gets up) Jessika, stay 
> here with her. I'll be back in the morning.
> Jessika: Wark?
> Dav: It's to check the northwest section's condition. 
Adol: You know. To check out the northwestern stuff. All that stuff that's northwesternly. 

> I'll be fine, stay with her. If anything happens to me take her and 
> run to Wyndia. Ryu and Nina'll recognize you.
Ying: (Ryu) Hey!  It's the Chocobo that raided the grainery!  GET HER!

> Author's note: This is from when he hosted the RPG Deathmatches. 
Alexis:  You don't say...
Kirin:  I miss the AAA.

> Jessika: Wark... (Lays down next to Amy)
> Dav: Don't worry about me. (Looks at Amy and walks toward the woods. 
> He continues looking at Amy and walks into a tree.)
Jim: That's a good example of slap stick. Get it? Slap-stick? 
Garland: Sounds like a Darth Kirby story already.
(Jim and Ying give Garland a nasty look.)
Ying: Someone's gonna get slapped if he doesn't watch himself... 

> Jessika: Wark!
> Dav: That's not funny, Jessika! (Walks into the woods).
All: *WHACK* 
Adol: (Jessika) Wark! 
Kirin: (Dav) OW! That's STILL not funny! 

[We continue after a sponsor message.]

----------
This special episode brought to you by Ocean Spray.
Buy lots of cranberries.  We know where you live.
----------

[Back] 

> (The next morning, at the hideout)
Garland: Goku wakes up in Barret's bed by accident.  Hilarity ensues.

> Cloud: All right everyone, move out!
> All: Damn! Again! Stop saying it like such a rip-off macho man! Can't
> you say "let's mosey" or something?!
> Cloud: MAKE UP YOUR MINDS!!!
Kirin: That's gotta be the strangest "Call to arms" I've ever heard.

> (Everyone piles into the Highwind and head for Hyrule)
Jim: Yeah, Bart and Spanky are in the back, kicking the driver's seat. 

> Bart: So what to you guys usually do while waiting to arrive 
> somewhere?
Ying: (Cloud) Sex.
Jim: (Tifa) Lots of sex.
Adol: (Barret) Then when that gets boring, we play N64.
Alexis: (Vegeta) And when THAT gets boring, we beat people up.
Kirin: Congratulations, people, we've just summarized the entire fanfic in four sentences.

> Red XIII: When we first got here everyone just stood in the same 
> place.
Garland: (Red XIII) I was under a console.  It was pretty cool.  I made a fort.

> Cait Sith: Then after Vegeta and Aeris got married and Cloud and Tifa
> got together we usually stood outside their bedrooms while they've 
> been uh... doing their thang.
Ying: You mean Cloud's been pursuing his love of history and Tifa's been continuing her 
successful line of action/adventure novels?
Adol: (looking at Ying sadly) Poor young naive soul.

> Fei: That's perverted! I like it.
Jim: Bet he can't wait to tell Elly that.
Alexis:  Grrr...this desecration of Fei's character must stop!
Ying: Xenogears fan, eh?
Alexis:  Aw, Fei's just a big cutie.
Jim: For a guy with a psychotic alter-ego and a mean set of martial arts.
Alexis:  Hmph.

> Vincent: But it would suck if we got caught.
> Barret: Last week dat foo' Dav installed some bugs so they can't hear
> us on da' outside.
> Vincent: So we've been listening in every time we get bored.
Garland: Has anyone tried plotting a strategy? Perhaps working out secret plans? 
Adol: Give it up, Gar. 
Garland: Maybe they can play a good game of bridge? 
Adol: Gar...
Garland: Or how about some Battletech?  That's good.  Or maybe some quality reading of Ayn 
Rand.
Adol: Gar...
Garland: Or just throw the SIs off and go on minding your own business like you always...
Adol: GAR!
Garland: (sighs)

> Goku: Cool! Let's try it out!
> Steve: Babes!
> Cait Sith: All right. (Runs over to the system) Now how did he do 
> this?
Kirin: See, if this were an episode of Dragon Ball Z, it would take them at least twelve 
episodes to find the correct switch. 

> Steve: Babes! (Starts pushing buttons and flipping switches)
> Red XIII: You're going to overload the system!
> System: (Starts shorting out and explodes)
Jim: (system) Cripes.  I keep telling them not to let any hentais drive this thing, but do 
they listen?  Noooooooo.  They just don't WANT to listen to instructions.  Curse them.

> Barret: Sh't!
> Pilot: Guys! We've got a problem here!
> Vincent: What?
Ying: (Pilot) We ran out of Columbian coffee.
Adol: (C.S) But we got a bag yesterday!
Ying: (Pilot) We used it all trying to sober up your friend.

> Crewman: We're crashing!
Garland: (Crewman) DAMN YOU WINDOWS!!!

> All: F**K!!!
> Cait Sith: (Pounds on Cloud/Tifa's and Aeris/Vegeta's doors) Get out 
> here you guys! We're crashin'!
Alexis: That's odd.  Usually when I feel the need to crash, I go INTO my bedroom...
Jim: Hmm... Alexis in the bedroom...
Alexis: Ecchi.  Your nose is bleeding.
Adol: You're a sick, sick man.
Alexis: Thanks for backing me u -- HEY!!!

> Cloud: (Runs out) Good thing we didn't start yet.
> Tifa: Yeah, it sucks!
> Aeris: (Runs out) Well if I 'm going to die I'm going to die happy!
Alexis: (Aeris) Come here, Cloud! 
Kirin: (Tifa) Oh, no you don't! 
Jim: (Vegeta) HEY! 

> Vegeta: I hear ya! (Shoves his tongue in, again...)
All:  Ewwww...
Kirin:  What about OUR happiness, huh?  Ever thought about that?

> Fei: Would you stop that?! Get some parachutes!
> (Everyone parachutes out of there as the Highwind crashes into the 
> mountains and explodes)
> Pilot: You get to explain this to the Captain!
> Crewman: Oh no! It was your crappy piloting!
> Pilot: Oh yeah?!
> Crewman: Yeah!
> Pilot: Oh yeah?!
> Crewman: Yeah!
> Pilot: OH YEAH?!!!
> Crewman: YEAH!!!
Alexis: (Pilot) OH Y...wait, we can blame it on Steve.
Garland: (Crewman) That's riiiiiight...

> Barret: Listen foo's we've gotta figger out where the hell we are 
> first.
> Cloud: Barret's right, we've never been here before.
Ying: Looks like the inhabitants are about to get a rude awakening. 

> Cait Sith: No s**t Sherlock.
> A voice: Hey! You over there!
Garland:  Sherlock Holmes with an Uzi, Sherlock Holmes with an Uzi...

> AVALANCHE: (Turns around to see two guys and a girl)
Alexis: And a pizza place.
Kirin: Only they got rid of that in the second season.
Jim: (AVALANCHE) AHHH! We've somehow been transported to ABC! Run for it! 

> Goku: Whadya want!?
> Vegeta: Shut up Kakaraught! No one asked you to talk!
> Goku: Why are you being so mean to me lately?
> Vegeta: Because I can!
Adol: (Vegeta) I'm sorry. It's just that I get so emotional sometimes.  Why shouldn't I be?  I 
became Super Sayien before you, I beat up lotsa people, I married Bulma, have a son that's 
stronger than me, AND I get crappy pay, and I don't LIKE being a good guy and...
Ying: (Goku) Okay, okay.  Just asking.
Adol: (Vegeta) Did I mention I married BULMA, for God's sake?  Why didn't YOU marry her?  You 
liked her more than that bitch Chi-Chi!
Ying: (Goku) Okay!  Calm down!

> Girl: We saw the crash. Are you all right?
> Red XIII: (Dripping with sarcasm) No! We've all got gas from that 
> horrible, HORRIBLE experience! (Farts) Ah...
Kirin: Makes me long for the subtle flavor of Terrance and Phillip, really.

> Aeris: Quiet, you! We're all fine. Now who are you guys?
> Girl: My name is Cecilia Lynne Adlehyde, Princess of Adlehyde.
Garland: Oh CRAP!  Now he's dragging Wild Arms into this!
Alexis: I think they ran into contract problems with the Slayers group.

> First guy: Jack Van Burace here, this is my wind mouse companion, 
> Hanpan.
> Hanpan: Hello.
Jim: WIND mouse?  He has gas too?

> Red XIII: Hanpan? (Starts laughing his head off)
> Hanpan: Eeerrghh!
> Tifa: Are you a pet or something?
Ying: (Hanpan) Actually, I'm a genetically altered lab mouse engineered to take over the world. 

> Hanpan: I am not a damn pet! Jack and I are partners!
Jim: Yeah! Like Mickey Mouse and Minnie! Wait... 

> Second guy: Rudy Roughnight, at your service.
Alexis:  Or, as he'd say in the game, "..."

> Cloud: I'm Cloud Strife, this is my friend Tifa.
> Tifa: Hello.
> Barret: Barret Wallace speakin', I'm da leader of AVALANCHE!
Jim: (Barret) Love the pet. 

> Rudy/Jack/CC: The leader of WHAT?!
> Cloud: It's an underground rebellion in our game.
Ying: (Barret) We're also known as the Illuminati. 
*CRASH!*
Morgan: (over mike) Spackle please.

> Rudy/Jack/CC: Oh...
> Red XIII: I'm Nanaki.
Kirin: (Red XIII) But you can call me "Farty".

> Hanpan: (Whispers to Jack) He sure looks like one.
Alexis:  And what, pray tell, is a nanaki?
Adol: I think it's a German term of contempt.

> Red XIII: But everyone calls me Red XIII.
Jim: (Red XIII) And I hate it.  GOD, how I hate it.

> Cait Sith: Cait Sith's the name, fortune telling's my game. I'm also a 
Adol: Stupid piece of crap.
Garland: Adol!
Adol: Had to be said sometime.

> matchmaker, preacher, on-line psychic... (Rambles on and on)
Ying: And freelance Cleo impersonator. 
Alexis: Wow!  Cait Sith's got more qualifications than the rest of them combined!  Go fig.

> Vincent: Vincent Valentine...
> Fei: Fei Fong Wong and my friend Bartholomew Fatima.
> Bart: Call me Bart.
Jim: He's Bart Fatima.  Who the hell are you?

> Goku: I am Goku of the Saiyin Warriors!
> Vegeta: I am the almighty Vegeta!
> Rudy/Jack/CC: Fejita?!
> Vegeta: No! VE-GE-TA! V-E-G-E-T-A!!!
Adol: (Rudy) Oh, with macaroni and cheese. 
Kirin: (Vegeta) That's VELVEETA! 
Garland: (Jack) Oh!  You're a brand of Croatian seasoning!
Kirin: (Vegeta) NO!  That's...I AM?

> Cloud: He's very sensitive about that.
> Rudy: No kidding.
> Vegeta: And this is my lovely wife, Aeris.
> Aeris: Hi.
Alexis: Clearly an arranged marriage.

> Steel: The name's Steel, John Steel Clayton. I am a sexual lebasidas 
> demicriada.
Ying: Oooh, he's a regular polyglot.  Hey, so are we!  Say something in Japanese.
Jim: Omae o kurosu.
Ying: Perfect!

> Spanky: My friends call me Spanky.
Garland: (Spanky) I'm here to represent the stupidly named portion of Midgar society.  Kill me 
please.
Adol: Something you're not telling us, Garl?
Garland: I hate the damn monkey.

> Steve: Babes!
> Steel: Don't mind Steve. (Whispers to Cecilia) Just keep your guard up
> or he'll get you.
Kirin: (Cecelia) 'S okay.  I got mace.

> Cloud: (Surveys the group) Now did we forget anyone?!
> Ramza: (Runs in) Don't forget about me!
> Barret: You never learn, do you foo'!?
> Ramza: Hey! You guys haven't even seen me in a fight!
Jim: Yeah, he's defeated Happosai, Ryoga, Pantyhose Taro- 
Alexis: He's talking about 'Ramza', NOT Ranma! 
Jim: I know, I know... 

> Cait Sith: All right. If you can hold your own in a fight you can 
> stay.
Adol: (Ramza) Whoops!  Damn.  Guess I'll see ya later, then.

> Vincent: If not then I kill you.
> Ramza: Oh goodie! (Ramza joins the party)
Garland: And cuuuue cheesy "join party" music!

> Cecilia: Just pull your pants up! You're making me nauseous! Erk...
Jim: ...his pants are down?
Alexis:  Wow, Ramza's really well endowed... O_O
Kirin:  Yoo-hoo!  Alexis!  You're slipping out of character.
Alexis:  (distracted) What was that, Kirin?
Kirin: (sigh) Never mind.

> (Pukes all over Red XIII)
> Red XIII: Nnnnnnooooo!!! Just when I thought I was free of that!
Ying: Sorry, Red, but you can never free yourself of the stench known as AVALANCHE. 

> Dyne: Too bad!
> Rudy: Who was that?!
> Goku: Just the author, don't mind him.
Adol: Sure, he has the will to destroy you and maim you at will, but he's mostly harmless. 

> Cloud: Anyway we'd have two more of us here but one was captured in 
> battle and the other turned traitor.
> Cecilia: Captured?! By whom?
> Barret: By those f**kin' Sailor Scouts, they's trying to take over da
> world!
Garland: A world where women in short skirts ruled? 
(pause)
Ying: Where do I sign up?

> Jack: Sailor Scouts huh?
> Vincent: You've heard of 'em?
> Jack: Are they the school girl b***hes in mini-skirts who fly around 
> delivering corny lines?
Alexis: No, that's the Magic Knight Rayearth group...

> Spanky: Damn right.
> Jack: I hate those b***hes! A few hours ago one of 'em attacked me 
> and asked where Sailor Mercury was but I whipped her @$$ with my Fast 
> Draw, Meteor Dive!
Garland [Jack]: Then it occurred to me to try to negotiate, but by that time she was 
unconscious.

> Tifa: Hey! I have a Limit Break called Meteor Dive!
> Jack: No kidding?!
Ying: (Jack) PLAGIARIST!!!
Adol: (Tifa) Hey!  It's mine, fair and square!
Kirin: Caaatfight.

> Rudy: I'm a master of the ARMs.
> Cait Sith: Arms? Cool!
> Rudy: Yeah, Ancient Relic Machines. Here I'll show you. (Pulls out 
> the Hand Cannon)
Jim:  (Cait Sith) WHOA!  Look, I'm sure you're a really nice guy, but I just don't lean in 
that direction!  
*WHACK!*
Alexis:  Between you and the sock puppet, I've got a real full time job on my hands.

> Cait Sith: Rats! I was hoping you'd summon a bunch of disembodied arms
> out of the ground and they'd slap the enemy to death.
Garland: (Rudy) HA HA HA HA...no.

> Ramza: Things aren't always as they seem.
> Steel: Hey! No one asked you to speak!
> Ramza: I'm sorry...
Kirin: (Steel) Hey!  What did I just tell you?!  I'm gonna have to hurt you now!

> Cloud: Anyhow do you guys have any method of air transport out of 
> here? We're on our way to attack the Sailor b***hes base.
Ying: Which, as I hear, is right next to the Sailor SCOUTS base.
Jim: I thought they were going to go find Link, and then hunt down Dav. 
Garland: And the likelihood of that being...?

> Cecilia: Yeah, our flying machine called the Gull Wing.
Kirin: A DeLorean?
Adol: (Red XIII) Does it fly by farting? 
Alexis: (Cecilia): Well, technically- 
Adol: (Red XIII) Woo hoo! Last one on is a rotten egg! 

> Steel: Will we all fit in it?
> Rudy: We should, when the three of us are in there it seems really big.
> Spanky: Let's go!
> (Everyone piles into the Gull Wing)
Ying:  You know, I'm suddenly getting an image of a clown car.
Alexis:  Well that's appropriate, seeing as they're all a bunch of bozos.
(rimshot)

> Ramza: I've always wanted to ride in one of these things!
> All: Shut up, you!
> Ramza: Sorry...
Adol: Ramza is the Rodney Dangerfield of the fanfic.  No respect.
Alexis:  Speaking of respect, shall we respect our need for a break?
All: Sounds like a plan.
(They leave.)

[Switching to story mode]
Emerging from the theater, the gallant MiSTers all plopped down, breathing a sigh of relief. 
"I can't believe they made Mike and the 'Bots look that dumb!" complained Alexis, "They're 
usually so interesting..." 
"You've met them?" asked Adol, with a look of surprise on his face. 
"Yeah. Well, it was this huge ugly crossover thing, no thanks to Bodger." 
"The SI, right," nodded Ying, about to grab himself some Twizzlers only to find there were 
none left. "Hey! Who took the last of the Twizzlers?!" he complained loudly. 
Kirin raised his hand. Ying shook his head and plopped down next to Jim. 
"But, still, it does bring to the forefront a very disturbing question," Garland muttered, 
plopping down next to Kirin, "How do we know when we aren't being our best? How do we know 
that someone else isn't going to come along later and insult our work?" 
This brought an uncomfortable silence upon the room, broken when Jim's eyes lit up. He quickly 
ran into the bathroom, and ran back out, dragging a large package. "I've got it!" he smiled, 
"I've got the very thing that will prove that we will never be insulted!" 
"What's that?" Adol questioned daringly. 
"It's-ba da da da!" Jim hit the little switch on the side to reveal a TV with a Nintendo 
hooked up to it, "Super Smash Brothers!" 

Alexis, Garland, Adol, and Kirin all slapped their foreheads. Ying, who had no arms, just 
whapped himself on the counter. 
"Come on! The four with hands can play, while me and Ying provide the commentary that will 
surely prove how video-game fights can simulate a battle of wills!" 
Kirin was the first to submit, followed by Garland and Adol, and finally Alexis, too, sat on 
the carpet and picked up a controller. 
"Okay, first we turn the system on and go to the battle arena. Then you pick your characters. 
I would suggest playing as Kirby, the coolest of cool." 
They all looked hesitant. 
"PLAY THE FREAKING GAME!" commanded Jim. Jumping a half a foot, and not willing to risk the 
wrath of a demented Jim Carrey, they hurriedly began to play with their controllers to no 
avail.  There were sounds of confusion. 
"Hey! I made my guy jump!" 
"Really? How?" 
"Alexis, you're holding your controller upside down."
"Hey! How come my guy can't jump three times?" 
"That's because he has a Super Special Move!" lauded Jim, "Come on, people! Get into it!" 
Ying ducked down and nodded to the other four. 
They all silently began to count from five. 
"One!" they chorused at once, tackling Jim and having him flat on the ground. 
"Hey! No fair! You didn't even use the cutter attack!" he complained. 

Ying looked at Jim's circuitry. "There's the problem! His switch must have been bumped on the 
way out of the theater." Ying adjusted the dial, "There! Back to the Jim we all know and love!" 
"'All'?" snorted Alexis, turning her back to him. 
"Hey, being a robot isn't as easy as it looks lady!" protested Ying, "We have feelings too! 
His just change depending on where the dial was set!" 
"What was the dial on, anyway?" asked Adol. 
"Um...'Jim Carrey'." 
There was a pause. 
"And he's usually set on...?" Kirin led. 
"Actually, um, JIM GRAB THE TWIZZLERS AND RUN!" Jim and Ying jumped up. Jim grabbed Kirin's 
Twizzlers in his mouth and they both made a break for the theater. The other four blinked for 
a moment. Kirin was the first to react. "MY TWIZZLERS!" He chased after them, only to trip on 
the Nintendo cords, causing his trench coat to flip over his head. He flailed about, but to no 
avail. 
Alexis snorted, "He's never going to live this one down." 
"The life of an avatar is never easy," grinned Adol. 
"I'll get him! I'LL GET JIM CARREY! And his little sock puppet, too!" Kirin shouted. 
The monitor lowered, and CEO Morgan appeared once more. He was reading from a book as he 
addressed them. "Oh, hello, my linebackers of lewdness, it's time for you once more to enter 
the theater and submit to my tortu..." he looks up to see Kirin flailing frantically, Alexis 
struggling from laughing, and Adol and Garland busy opening some packs of Sour Patch Kids left 
on the counter.  Ying could be heard far away, snacking on some Twizzlers. 
"Is there something I should know about?" Morgan asked finally.
"Nope," Adol and Garland said in unison.
"Erm, well, back onto the theater," Morgan said, obviously confused. 
And so, after Adol and Garland helped Kirin back up, they entered the theater again. 

[switching to theater mode] 
Kirin: You're going to pay for that one, Carrey. I've got a big grudge with you! 
Ying: Here! Want a Twizzler? 
Kirin: Sure! Thanks. Can I have another? 
Ying: Sure. 
Kirin: Thanks. Mmmm. Forget that whole grudge thing, would ya? 
Jim: Sure. 

> (Back on Round Island) 
Jim: (singing) Oh, the plot on the island goes round and round, round and round...

> Amy: (Slowly wakes up) 
Adol: So she stretches a little bit, yawns. Scratches her eyes and wipes away the eye boogers, 
probably.
Garland: Ah, eye boogers. The great social equalizer.

> Oh! (Remembers what happened) 
Ying: (Amy) Oh no... I didn't... ARRRGH!
Kirin: It was at that moment that Amy swore off the bottle for life. 

> That's right, Dav brought me here. (Looks around) Where is he? 
> Jessika: (Wakes up) Wark! 
> Amy: Good morning to you too. Where'd Dav go? 
> Jessika: Wark! (Points in the direction Dav went in and mimics what 
> happened) 
Alexis: (flat) Mime chocobos...
Garland: NOW do you know why I hate them so much?

> Amy: So he walked off last night? And he was looking in a different 
> direction and walked into a tree? 
Jim: You gotta hand it to the chocobo, she's thorough.
Ying: Maybe she's just like us and was very amused by the whole tree incident.

> Jessika: Wark! (As if to say "yes")
> Amy: Well I'm going to go look for him. (Gets up but stops suddenly 
> due to a sharp stab of pain) 
Kirin: You see, Nav was passing by and planted a shiv in her rib cage.
Adol: (disturbed) Do you take medication for your condition?

> Ow! I guess I'm still a little sore. (Slowly gets up) Come on, let's
> find him. 
> Jessika: (Forgetting what Dav asked her to do) Wark! (Follows Amy 
> into the woods) 
Garland: This is the Chocobo equivalent of 'Durrr," in case anybody was wondering.

> (Five minutes later) 
Alexis: The whole scene grinds to a halt.

> Dav: (Walks into the campsite) I brought breakfast and... (Notices 
> the two gone) Oh crap! 
Ying: (Dav) I stepped in Jessika's crap!  CRAP!

> Jessika knows not to go into these woods! (Runs in the direction of 
> the tracks left by Jessika and Amy) 
Jim: And runs straight into a tree.
Adol: (Dav) Dude!  That's still not funny!
Kirin: (Dyne) Okay, okay.  Jeez.

> Amy: Are you sure he went this way? 
> Jessika: Wark! (Nods) 
Alexis: Translated "Whatever. You'll be my breakfast in a few minutes."

> A giant squirrel: (Leaps out of a tree and lands behind the girls) 
Ying: Mukumuku!  No!
Kirin: No no, that's clearly Makumaku.
Adol: It's Mokomoko!
Garland: DUDE!  It's just a damn squirrel!

> Jessika: (Turns around) WARK!!! 
> Amy: (Turns around) Oh my god! A giant squirrel! 
> Squirrel: (Jumps at 'em) 
Kirin: That's quite an attack; next he'll growl or hiss or something.
Jim: If this were Conker's Bad Fur Day...
Alexis: But it ISN'T. Thank GOD.

> Amy: SPLIT! (The two leap in different directions) MERCURY STAR 
> POWER!!! (Transforms into Sailor Mercury) 
Adol: Followed promptly by the obligatory, and naturally always much longer Sailor Moon 
transformation.

> Squirrel: (Hears Amy's shout and jumps in front of her) 
> Jessika: Wark! (Runs behind the squirrel and grabs its tail) 
> Squirrel: (Throws Jessika against a tree 
Garland: YEAH!  Teach the chocobo who's bad!  You da MAN, squirrel!

> and turns back to Sailor Mercury) 
> Sailor Mercury: MERCURY ICE ST- (Feels another stab of pain) Ow! 
> (Collapses) 
> Dav: (Standing in a tree) 
Jim: Wha-? So he was just sitting there, watching her get beat up AGAIN?
Alexis: This voyeurism is becoming a slight obsession.

> I've got an idea! 
> (Grabs a vine, lets out a Tarzan yell, and swings down) 
Ying: And promptly slams into another tree.
Kirin: (Dav) Still not FUNNY, Dyne! 

> Sailor Mercury: Huh? Dav?! 
> Dav: (Grabs Sailor Mercury) I've always wanted to do that. 
Adol: Yeah, everyone's wanted to grab Sailor Mercury at some point.
Garland: Really?

> Sailor Mercury: (Looks at him and smiles) 
All: WATCH OUT FOR THAT!
(*whump*)
All:...tree.
Jim: (Dav) God DAMN it!  That's STILL NOT FUNNY!

> Dav: (Lands in another tree) Love to stay and talk but my chocobo needs help. 
Garland: No he doesn't.
Alexis: Let him rescue the bird, Garland.
Garland: NO!  Kill the bird!

> (Jumps down onto the squirrel) 
> Sailor Mercury: (Thinks) Now where did that vine come from? This is a 
> forest, not a jungle. 
Ying: Lady, if we stopped thinking about the logic, so should you.

> (Speaks) Ride 'em squirrel boy! 
Jim: Squirrel boy? Like Princess Sally?
(Adol flinches)
Garland: Don't DO that!

> Squirrel: (Tries to throw Dav off) 
> Dav: Yee ha! (Draws Atma Weapon and cuts the squirrel's head off) 
> Squirrel: (Dies instantly) 
Kirin: NOOOO! HARVEY!
Alexis: Harvey's a hamster.
Kirin: Oh.

> Dav: Whew... that was close. 
> Sailor Mercury: That was cool! (Jumps down) 
> Dav: (Catches her) I bet you say that to every guy who's done that. 
Jim: (Sailor Mercury) And how many guys do you think I've seen cut off the head of a giant 
squirrel with a lightsaber HONESTLY?

> Sailor Mercury: Well technically yes since you're the first one. 
Jim: I stand vindicated.

> I guess I should thank you. (They kiss) 
All: Good God NO!
Garland:  Don't kiss the SI, Sailor Mercury!  You don't know where he's been!
Adol: Well, at least they're not having sex any time soo...
(there is a two minute flurry of violence generated by this comment.  The dust eventually 
clears, and Adol is now duct taped into his seat.)
Adol: Dude, I was joking.
Garland: Bad joke.

> Dav: (Pulls back and sets her down) Damn. That's something I haven't 
> felt in three years! 
Jim: (Dav) Yeah.  They don't kiss like THAT in prison.
Alexis: (Sailor Mercury) AACCK!  ECCHI!  *WHAM!*
Jim: (Dav) And that's something I haven't felt in three weeks... 


> Sailor Mercury: But why did that squirrel attack us? 
> Dav: (Walks over to Jessika) They normally don't come out this far. I 
> guess it was because I stole some of its nuts for our breakfast. 
All: Ah...

> Sailor Mercury: You didn't sleep at all last night? 
> Dav: Nope. I had to see what has happening here. 
Kirin: Yes, I'm sure squirrels trying to kill you seems interesting viewing.

> There's been a lot of mako radiation on the northwest section of the 
> island. The squirrels are a by-product. 
Ying: So's cow manure.  What's your point?

> (Turns to Jessika) You all right girl? 
> Jessika: (Gets up) Wark! 
> Dav: I'll take that as a "yes".
Adol (Mercury) Her leg's shattered in two places.  I don't think that was a "yes".
Garland: It was a four letter word, but not a yes.

> Sailor Mercury: What's on this island? 
Jim: (Dav) Large apes.  By the way, would you mind acting as a 
sacrificial maiden?

> Dav: This is where Cloud found the "Knights-of-the-Round" materia. 
> But none of us have seen it since Yuffie stole it. 
Adol: Yeah.  She steals everything.  She killed Tseng and Aeris too.
Alexis: Aeris is still alive in this.
Ying: She's married to Vegeta.  Death would just be too good for her.

> Sailor Mercury: Yuffie? 
> Dav: You know her?! 
Kirin: (Mercury) Know her?  I went to the prom with her?

> Sailor Mercury: She's our leader! 
> Dav: (Jaw drops to the ground) Oh my god! It isn't possible! 
Jim: The jaw dropping to the ground?  Well, not physically possible...

> She's dead! I killed her myself and wished that she'd never be 
> brought back to life! It's not possible! She's dead! (Does the Cloud 
> Strife Freakout) 
Garland: Glitter and whirring strobe lights not included. 

> Sailor Mercury: (Puts her hand on his shoulder) Hey Dav, it's all 
> right. 
> Dav: (Still freaking) It's not true! She has to be dead! She HAS to 
> be! That Eternal Dragon prohibited it! 
Adol: Yeah, that...(pause) Eternal Dragon?
Alexis: (Eternal Dragon) Oh no!  You LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS!

> She can't have been revived!!! 
> Sailor Mercury: Dav I-
> Dav: How did she get revived?! How?! Tell me, please! 
Ying: (Mercury) It's called a "half-assed plot contrivance".  Allow me to explain in detail.

> Sailor Mercury: Well one day about a week-and-a-half ago we had just 
> come back from a failed mission... 
Jim: Which mission was it?
Adol: Any of em'.

> (Flashback) 
Garland: No LSD refs please.
All: Aw...

> Sailor Venus: This one was all Sailor Moon's fault! 
Ying: (Sailor Venus) Yeah, let's vote her off the island!

> If she hadn't done nothing but stare at Darien the whole time we 
> could've won that battle! 
> Sailor Mars: I'm sick of her as a leader! She's a major ditz! 
Adol: There's no need to argue.  You're ALL ditzes!

> Sailor Mercury: Sailor Mars is right. Sailor Moon's been getting more
> egotistical and clumsy than ever! 
> Sailor Jupiter: But where are we going to find a new leader? 
Kirin: (Venus) I heard Motoko Kusanagi was free.
All: (Scouts) Bonus!

> Sailor Mars: (Sees something on the ground) What's this. (Picks it 
> up) "Instant Plot Device. Directions: Just Add Water!" 
Garland: I KNEW IT!
Alexis: What?  
Garland: Dyne's been reading too much Cloud and Cait Sith!  That explains all of the people 
out of character and THAT explains why the guy hates Sephiroth!  I KNEW IT!
Adol: Gar, are you saying...?
Garland: It's a CONSPIRACY!  It goes all the way to the top, Bernstein!
Adol: Gar, come over here...lie down for a while...
Garland: NO!

> Sailor Venus: Cool! Let's use it to get a new leader! 
> Sailor Mercury: I don't know about this. None of us knows what's 
> going to happen. 
Ying: (Mercury) Although I was against the previous regime, my poorly illustrated character 
traits show me a sense of foreboding doom surrounding this package. 
Kirin: (Mars): What?
Ying: (Mercury): Package BAD! 
Kirin: (Mars): OH...

> Sailor Jupiter: Who cares!? Anyone'd be a better leader than Sailor Moon! 
> (Sailor Mercury: We were wrong about that) 
Jim: (Mercury) We ended up with Steve Guttenberg.
Garland: YAAAAAAAAAAIGH!
Alexis: You did that on purpose, didn't you?
Jim: Yup. ^_^

> Sailor Mars: Jupiter's right. Pour some water on this baby! 
> Sailor Mercury: Okay. (Pours water on) 
> Yuffie: (Appears out of nowhere) I'm back! 
Ying (Yuffie): And I'm moist! Why the hell am I soaked with water?

> Sailor Venus: Congratulations! You're our new leader! 
> Yuffie: Cool! 
Kirin: (Jupiter) Now you have to dress in a fuku.
Adol: (Yuffie) Uh-oh.  I...don't think I can do...
Alexis: (Mars) Come on!  It'll be fun!

> (End of flashback) 
Garland: You may now put down the bong.

> Sailor Mercury: And so she took over but for some unknown reason made Sailor Moon 
> second-in-command. 
> Dav: So you've been even more miserable ever since? 
Jim: (Mercury) Yeah.  Serena sucks as a second in command too.  Who'd have thunk it?

> Sailor Mercury: Yeah. And we have to follow orders or she'll destroy 
> our favorite things. 
Adol: Poor kittens and packages tied up with strings.

> My books and for the others there pictures of boys. 
Alexis:  Oh no!  Not their valuable collection of 1950's magazine cover boys!  That fiend!
Kirin: Stop empowering the girls, Alexis.

> Dav: Ouch! 
Ying: (Dav) I have pictures of boys too.  I sympathize.

> But I can help you overthrow Yuffie. 
> Sailor Mercury: Are you sure? She's pretty powerful. 
> Dav: POWERFUL?! HA!!! I deflected her strongest attack very easily! 
Garland: Dude, JOGURT deflected her strongest attack very easily!  

> Sailor Mercury: You'd help me? After I attacked you? 
> Dav: I figure, what the hell. I feel I have to do something more for 
> you since I didn't stop Cloud right away. 
Alexis: (Mercury) You mean...you were watching me and...you didn't...
Adol: (Dav) I was having one of my moments.  Sue me.

> Sailor Mercury: Thank you. (They embrace and kiss again) 
> Jessika: WARK! 
> Dav: (Pulls back) What the bloody hell is this?! (Draws Atma Weapon) 
> Sailor Mercury: It's the squirrels! 
Garland: They've got guns!

> Dav: Crap! You're right! 
> (Ten squirrels leap out of the bushes) 
> Dav: S**t! We're surrounded! 
Ying: By ten foot and a half long squirrels! Why don't you try stepping on them?
Jim: These are giant Riogonzawa squirrels. This calls for a pointless battle sequence.
Ying: Ahhh...
Adol: You're making this up, aren't you?

> Sailor Mercury: Teamwork is all we need! 
Kirin:  Arrgh!
Alexis:  Need insulin?
Kirin:  I'm fine, thanks. 

> Dav: Gotcha! Freeze 'em! 
> Sailor Mercury: MERCURY ICE STORM BLAST!!! (Freezes the squirrels) 
Garland: Squirrel Pops!  From those guys who brought you Ferret and Otter Pops!  Now in real 
Squirrel flavor!  Get them today!

> Oh! (Feels another stab of pain and collapses again.) 
> Dav: (Hasn't noticed yet) SWORDS OF HEAVEN!!! (Draws Ragnarok with 
> his right hand and 
Adol: Wait.  RAGNAROK?  The SHIP Ragnarok?
All: Not THAT one!

> uses both swords for his Limit and kills the squirrels) Holy crap! I 
> finally used my other Limit Break! 
Jim: Aren't you supposed to get the crap beat out of you before you use your limit break?
Ying: Logic not in building, Jim...
Jim: Sorry...

> (Sees Sailor Mercury) Oh my god! Are you all right?! 
> Sailor Mercury: Yeah, I'm still a little sore. 
> Dav: That's no ordinary soreness. 
Alexis: (Dav) You got a rib peeking out through there.

> Come on, let's get you to a doctor. Some friends of mine are ruling a 
> kingdom not far from here, let's go there. 
> Sailor Mercury: Hang on a second. (Reverts) 
Kirin: Sure.  Want to make a good first impression.
Adol: A fuku is actually a pretty good first impression.
Garland: In which planet, Adol?
Adol: Well, I was just saying that...

> Amy: Okay, let's go. 
> (With Dav's help they climb onto Jessika and head for Wyndia) 

[commercial]

----------
This episode brought to you by the Dream City Council, 
home of the Octagon Rumble series.
What do you dream about?
----------

[Back]

> (At the Scouts' base) 
> Yuffie: (Looks at a clock) Hmm... they should be back by now. 
Alexis: If they wait for fifteen more minutes, they get the free crazy bread.

> Sailor Moon: Maybe I should've gone with the search party. 
Jim: And maybe immobile turtles should be given a record contract.

> Yuffie: YOU?! (Laughs her head off) On a serious note Serena you 
> haven't been acting very smart lately. 
Kirin: LATELY?  I don't think she's ever been...
Garland: If you don't mind.  (he takes out his sword and pats it against his hand.)
Kirin: I withdraw the comment.

> Sailor Moon: We're just looking for Sailor Mercury! It's not like 
> we're all going to fight a battle in which the fate of the universe 
> hangs in the balance! 
Jim: And this is the girl whose best plan to defeat the Negaverse originally was to have a 
spaz attack.
Garland: Yes.
Jim: How can they get THAT wrong?
Ying: Are you questioning logic again?
Jim: No, I'm...just leave me alone.  

> Yuffie: That's it! I've had enough of your insubordination! (Gets up 
> and walks into Serena's room) 
Kirin: Please, God, I *really* don't want to hear the word 'panties' in the next five 
lines...

> Sailor Moon: NO! Not my copy of Titanic! 
All:  DO IT!  DO IT!  DO IT!
Alexis: (Yuffie) Now who's king of the world NOW, pretty boy?!  HA HA HA!
Adol: I think my respect for Yuffie has shot up a few points.

> Yuffie: Yes! THAT! (About to crush the tape when the rest of the 
> Scouts arrive) 
> Sailor Mars: We're back, Mistress! 
> Yuffie: Poopy! I wanted to crush the tape! 
> Dyne: Allow me! (A lightning bolt destroys the tape) 
All: WAY COOL!

> I hate that f**king movie and that son of a b***h Reotardo DiCrapio! 
All:...
Kirin:  DAMMIT!
Garland: Don't you just hate it when you find out you share the same sentiments as the 
author?

> Sailor Moon: My tape...? WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! 
> Yuffie: Crybaby! (Turns to the rest) Did you find Sailor Mercury? 
Alexis: (Jupiter) No, but we found this guy with a tin hat on his head and wings on his 
feet.  Will that do?
Jim: (Yuffie) Um...

> Sailor Venus: No. When we arrived at their hideout everyone was gone 
> so we split up and searched the different worlds. 
Ying: (Venus) Did you know that you can't breathe on other worlds? We just found out! 
Weird, huh? Oh, and that's why we no longer have Sailor Pluto through Jupiter. Sorry.

> Sailor Jupiter: Yeah, it sucked! Some guy with long hair and a rat 
> jumped at me with his sword! 
Adol: Rather rude, don't you think?

> Sailor Neptune: Well some kid in a red cap whacked me with a baseball bat! 
Garland: Fernando Tatis, no!

> Sailor Saturn: Some space person wearing cool armor shot me and I
> turned frozen! 
Kirin: (Saturn) An' it was all cold 'n stuff and it made my nose go all runny. 

> Sailor Pluto: This one kid with spiky red hair zapped me with lightning! 
Ying: Jude Law?
Alexis: (confused) Jude LAW?

> Sailor Venus: Some guy wearing a tuxedo with a cool British accent 
> shot at me! 
Jim: (Venus) Then he bedded me for some reason!

> Sailor Mars: This cream puff type thing sucked me in and copied my 
> power! Then it fried me! 
Kirin: Uh...killer blancmange? 

> Sailor Uranus: A really good-looking guy hit me with his whip! 
Jim: VINCENT SHEPARD?
Alexis: Okay, NOT A WORD, group!

> Author's Note: Can you guess which video game characters they're talking about? 
Kirin: I'd prefer not.
Ying: No.
Adol: My mind is taxed already.
Jim: This guy is definitely underestimating our fanboyishness. 

> (Answers will be given at the end of the fic) 
Garland: He's assuming we'll get to the end of the fic.  Isn't that funny?
Morgan: (over mike) Unfortunately, you are staying until the end of the fic.  That's 
funny.
Garland: Killjoy.
Morgan: (over mike) And no cheating, dammit!

> Yuffie: Didn't you fight back?! 
> Sailor Mars: Uh... no. We were all delivering our lines when they attacked. 
> Yuffie: Idiots! 
> Sailor Moon: (Still crying her head off) 
Alexis: (Dyne) Yeah.  She just noticed this too, people.

> (On the Satellite of Love) 
Adol: There is, for some reason, an inordinate amount of hate.  It's kinda funny.

> Mike: Hey Servo! Have you finished working on the communications 
> rerouter? 
Jim (Tom) I've only had about six years to do this Mike, you think you could wait an hour?

> Tom Servo: Yeah Mike, all set! 
> Mike: Good, now we can listen in on Yuffie's plans and send 'em 
> directly to the team. Turn it on. 
> Gypsy: Roger! 
> Mike: My name is Mike! 
Alexis: (Gypsy) Roger, Roger. What's our vector Victor?
Ying: (Mike) What?

> Crow: That was an acknowledgement, Mike! 
Ying: (Mike) Well you're adopted!
Garland: (Crow) WAAAAAAAAAH!

> Gypsy: (Turns it on and the crew listens to the conversation you (the 
> reader) just read) 
Kirin: That's kinda...redundant.

> Mike: Now to contact the team. (Pushes the button) 
Jim: Naturally, when he presses it, a little sign pops up saying 'please don't push this 
button again.'

> (Red alarm sounds) 
> Tom Servo: Oh s**t! Fanfic sign! 
> (They stumble into the theatre) 
Alexis: And they are STILL drunk for some reason.

> (On the Gull Wing) 
Garland: Wackiness ensues when Steve can't find a cupholder.

> Jack: We're approaching Hyrule! 
> Cloud: Sweet! 
> Cecilia: Hyrule? I thought we were going to attack the base first. 
Jim: Don't point out plot holes while the Author is around! You wanna die too?

> Jack: Didn't they tell you we're stopping here first? 
Adol: (Jack) They have cheeseburgers.
Alexis: (Cecilia) WHOO HOO! 

> Rudy: We're getting one more ally for the assault. 
> Cecilia: But no one else'll fit in here! 
> Spanky: I know how to remedy that! Heh heh heh... 
Garland: Yes, I seem to have a remedy for that too.  But it involves Spanky, a chainsaw, 
and a mulcher, so I won't go into detail.

> Aeris: Does anyone see Link down there? 
> Vincent: (Notices two figures running across Hyrule Field) Yeah 
> that's him there. Still trying to be "convinced" to marry that fish 
> woman. 
> Barret: (To Jack) Cruise along da ground, foo'. 
Ying: Everyone's a foo' to Barret, aren't they? 
Kirin: Someday he's going to ask for some foo' to eat and everyone's going to run 
screaming from him. 

> Cait Sith: (Shouts through his megaphone) Attention, fairy boy! Your
> reprieve is here! 
> Link: It's about time! (Throws a Deku Nut at Ruto) Let me in! Please! 
> Ramza: You won't fit! 
> Steel: That's not a problem. NOW! 
> Spanky/Steel: (Throw Ramza out) 
Adol: I'm beginning to get the impression this guy didn't like Tactics either. 

> Ramza: (Lands on his face) Hey! 
> Link: Thanks guys! (Climbs into the Gull Wing) 
Kirin: (Steel) No problem, especially since you're the only Nintendo character we aren't 
morbidly violent against. 
Garland: (Barret) Often. 
Alexis: You know, you'd think he'd hold it against them for trying to destroy his country.  
What a nice guy.

> Gull Wing: (Gains altitude) 
> Ramza: No fair! 
> Ruto: (Unstunned) Hey! Where's Link?! 
> Ramza: He just left. 
> Ruto: You're not too bad yourself, I guess you'll have to marry me 
> instead. 
> Ramza: Oh f**k! (Runs like hell) 
Jim: Ruto played by... hell, anyone from a comedy anime series. Take your pick.
Adol: Tsk, women.  Always rushing to commitment...
*WHAAAACK!*  
Adol: Hey!  I wasn't even being perverted that time!
Alexis:  Look, even YOU know better than to make comments like that in 
the presence of a feminist.
Ying: Feminist or Femi-Nazi?
Kirin:  We wonder sometimes.
Alexis:  Whose side are you on, anyway?

> Vegeta: No that's a fate worse than death! 
> Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock! 
Garland: (Vegeta) Would you like a ki blast with your name on it?
Jim: (Red XIII) Uh...no...
Garland: (Vegeta) Then shut the hell up, jerky. 

> (In Wyndia Castle throne room. Dav and Amy are walking in) 
> Dav: Ryu! Nina! 
> Ryu: Dav! Long time no see! (Shakes his hand) 
Ying: (Dav) BZZZT!  AH!
Kirin: (Ryu) Sorry.  Had the joy buzzer on.

> Nina: What brings you to Wyndia? 
> Dav: Her. This is my friend Amy. 
Adol: (Dav) Say hello to the nice people, Amy.
Alexis: (Amy) Hello to the nice people, Amy.

> Amy: Glad to meet you. 
Adol: (Dav) Very good! Now Amy will sing "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" while I drink 
this glass of water!
Alexis: (Amy) (singing) Joooohn Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt! His name is my name too! 
(normal) I spit in the water.
Adol: (Dav) PFFFFFFFFFT!  Amy!

> Dav: She's hurt internally. Do you guys have any doctors here? 
Garland: No, but they got lots of toilets.

> Ryu: Actually it's Wednesday, all the doctors are playing golf today. 
> Dav: Oh... poopy. 
Jim: He's expressing this so well.

> Nina: But Ryu here does have healing magic. 
> Dav: Oh yeah... I forgot since he's also the dragon. 
Ying: No, dude.  Bruce Lee is the dragon.

> Ryu: It kind of sucks in the game, doesn't it? 
> Dav: Yeah, Dyne finally beat it last week. 
> Dyne: Disappointing ending!!!! 
Garland: He was expecting Katt and Ryu to hook up too, didn't he?
Jim: This fic is really making me question reality. I mean, how do we know WE'RE not all 
in some giant fanfic?
Kirin: Unbelievable.
Alexis: Ridiculous.

> Ryu: Okay, hold still Amy. Niektocknilitek! (Casts Vitalize on Amy) 
Adol: And it's then that she turned into an onion.
Ying: (Peco) Pusyi puko!  Wheeeeeeep!

> Amy: Whoa! So that's what magic feels like. 
> Dav: Any pain? 
> Amy: (Moves around) No. Thanks Ryu. 
> Ryu: Don't mention it. 
Garland: (Ryu) In fact, don't talk about it to anybody, or else we'll have to kill you.

> Nina: Can you guys stay a while? 
> Dav: Sorry, can't. We're on our way to attack a base. 
> Amy: That reminds me. MERCURY STAR POWER!!! (Transforms into Sailor 
> Mercury) 
Alexis: And Nina has to whack Ryu for drooling...
Ying: (Amy) Secret identity, schmecret identity! I just wanna dance around in the buff!

> Sailor Mercury: Ready? 
> Dav: For anything. (They walk out) 
> Ryu/Nina: Good luck! 
> Author's Note: Please forgive me for all of the serious parts in this 
> comedic fic. 
Jim: You're apologizing for the wrong thing, laddie.

> I promise it'll be funny with Dav and Amy from now on. And please 
> forgive the last scene where 3 out of four characters only had 3 
> letters in their names. 
Kirin:  Pfft.  There's that anti-namist attitude again.  Honestly...
Adol: (Dyne) And forgive me for putting Spanky in this thing too.  I dunno what came over 
me.  Really.  Please?

> (On the Gull Wing) 
> Jack: We're approaching the island! 
Ying: About darn time! Stupid three hour tours!

> Barret: Awright! We gonna rock! 
> Tifa: May I remind you that we're here to rescue Cid? 
Kirin: (Barret) No you may not.  In fact, I ban you from reminding me of ANYTHING.  I'm 
happy in my own little fantasy world.
Jim (Goku) Funny.  I thought I was here to add comic relief.
Alexis: (Bart) I have no idea why I'm here, actually.
Garland (Spanky): I'm here because I'm blackmailing the author.
Adol (Steve): Hey!  Me too! 

> Aeris: And may I remind you that using the same lines over and over 
> gets old?! 
Ying: May we remind you that we no longer give a flying rat's ass? 

> Link: Hey! I just noticed, where's that mean person who calls me gay? 
> Goku: He betrayed us. 
> Link: No way! 
> Fei: Yes way, fairy boy! 
Kirin: (Link) But he's an avatar!
Jim: (Cloud) Yeah.
Kirin: (Link) We're so dead, aren't we?
Adol: (Barret) Absolutely.

> Link: You can't call me "fairy boy" anymore, my fairy was killed two
> weeks ago! 
Alexis: (Link) And I'm really distraught about it!  Really!
Ying: Alas poor Navi, I knew her well... she was a fairy of infinite 'Hey!'s.

> Bart: So? You're still a fairy boy! 
> Cait Sith: I remember that... 
Garland: And cue time consuming flashback!

> (Flashback) 
> Dav: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Link's gay!!! 
Kirin: (blinks) They just flashbacked to the beginning of the fic!
Alexis: Oh for the love of...

> Link: I am not!!!!! 
> Navi: Don't call Link gay you meanie!!! (dive-bombs Dav) 
> Dav: (holds his Atma Weapon straight up in the air and Navi gets cut 
> in half) 
> Link: NAVI!!!!!! 
> Dav: That takes care of him!!! 
Jim: The man who won Sailor Mercury's heart, lady and gentlemen. 

> Barret: That was coo' foo'!!!!! 
> Link: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! He's gone!!! My only friend in the
> world is gone!!!!!! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! 
Adol: I thought Dyne said that he'd have no more serious parts.
Garland: This is comedy.
Adol: (stunned) Really?

> Goku: Ah c'mon kid. You don't really need a fairy to protect you. 
> Link: (crying) Why not? 
> Barret: 'Cause day're stupid, gay and they piss on ya' head!!!!! 
Ying: Of course!  How could you forget THAT?

> Link: Navi never did!!! He was potty trained!!! 
> Goku: Face it kid, you can't potty train a fairy. 
> Dav: Then that means Link isn't potty trained!!!! 
Alexis: I don't get it.

> Link: Shut up! It's because of you, Navi is dead!!!! 
> Dav: Hey, s**t happens, kid!!!!! 
> Zelda: Dav's right, s**t DOES happen. 
> (End of flashback) 
Jim: Well I feel drained of willpower.

> Hanpan: Land over there, Jack. 
> Jack: Gotcha. (Lands the Gull Wing behind a jungle surrounding the 
> base) 
Kirin: (Cloud) Remember, if we run into Tarzan, Indiana Jones, or Jane Goodall, kill their 
friends and insult their sexuality.  
All: (AVALANCHE) Well, if you insist...
Kirin: (Cloud) And the first person to say, "All your base are belong to us" gets it in 
the neck.
Garland: (Spanky) Aw dammit.  There goes all of my lines.

> Cloud: We'll split up into two groups. 
Ying: (Cloud) I get all the women.  The rest of you go that way and I'll...catch up with you.

> One'll take the side entrance while the others go head on. 
Adol: Head on what?

> Red XIII: You like that group stuff don't you? 
> Cloud: Shove it! 
> Tifa: All right everyone, let's separate. 
> Cloud: Damn! Again?! Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say 
> "split up" or something?!  Ha! I did one! I did one!
Alexis: (Tifa) That's it.  I'm pulling a Lysistrata on your spiky-haired ass!
Jim: (Cloud) Oops.

> All: (Dripping with sarcasm) Don't you feel special? 
> (The team splits up with Cloud, Tifa, Barret, Cait Sith, Steel, 
> Steve, Jack, Link, and Fei in one group and Vegeta, Red XIII, 
> Vincent, Aeris, Spanky, Rudy, Cecilia, Bart, and Goku in the other.) 
Garland: I hate games where they put in too many playable characters.

> Cloud: If one of the groups finds Cid or encounters the Sailor 
> b***hes, call. 
> Vegeta: Right! (They split up) 
>
> (On the Satellite of Love) 
Kirin: Mike Nelson dresses in women's clothing.  Hilarity ensues.

> Mike: Okay, that's the first false alarm we've ever had! No fanfic! 
> Crow: Well we all know what a dimwit Yuffie is. 
Alexis:  Yeah!  We all know that!  [pause]  We did?
Adol: (Tom) Actually, we...
Jim: (Crow) Don't contradict me!

> Tom Servo: Shouldn't we warn the team about the traps in the base? 
Ying: What? No, let em' kill each other off! It'll save us from a wedding, at least.

> Mike: You're right, Servo! Let's just open a channel. (Pushes the 
> button) 
> (Red alarm goes off) 
> Crow: AH! Fanfic sign! 
> Mike: Wait a minute. (Pushes the button again) 
Garland: The screen fades to a dot.  Cue MST3K Love Theme.

> (Red alarm goes off) 
> Mike: Servo I thought you rerouted the communications array so we 
> could send what we tapped into on to the team! 
Ying: Really, why would they want to bring Team Rocket into this?

> Tom Servo: Well excuuuuse me! I've got springs for arms and so I may
> have messed up a few wires! 
Kirin: (Tom) Course, I said that BEFORE we started the damn thing, but NOOOOOOO...you NEVER 
listen, do you?

> Mike: Crow open the panel that Tom was using. 
Alexis: (Crow) My arms don't work either!
Adol: (Mike) Don't bother me with details!

> Crow: (Opens the panel) Holy s**t! Mike we've got a problem here! 
Jim: (Mike) Yes, I know.  I'm washing your mouth out with soap this instant, young man!

> Mike: Oh crap! Half the system's completely rerouted and Cambot's 
> been turned into the cheese dispenser! 
> Cambot: (Sprays everyone with melted cheese) 
Garland:  Behold the power of cheese. 

> (Back outside the Scouts' base) 
> Sailor Mercury: This is it! 
> Dav: Wow! What a pad! 
Alexis: Just a note.  Maxi pad jokes are out.
All: Aww...

> Sailor Mercury: We've had this place since we discovered it a month 
> ago. 
Ying: Yeah, there are a lot of secret, well-secured bases just lying around for anyone to 
use. 

> Dav: What did you use as a central base before? 
> Sailor Mercury: Serena's house. 
Adol: (Mercury) Her mom kicked us out.

> Dav: (Turns to Jessika) Go back to the chocobo farm, Jessika. Once 
> we're done here we'll fly back. 
Jim (Dav): Hang out with the characters from Harvest Moon 64 or something.

> Jessika: Wark! (Runs off) 
> Dav: Ready? 
> Sailor Mercury: Never felt more. 
Kirin: (Dav) I meant ready to go into the base.
Garland: (Mercury) I knew that.

> Let's take the back entrance, this place is full of traps against 
> intruders. 
> (They head into the rear entrance) 
Alexis: I'm sold for a break, how bout you guys?
Jim: Sounds good.
(they leave)

[Switching to story mode]

The two avatars looked around furtively in the lobby of the theater.  Finding it clear, they 
began hauling a rather hefty package towards the garbage can next to the currently inoperative 
snack stand.
"GET 'EM!"
Alexis and Kirin suddenly found themselves ambushed by the other four members of the merrie 
MiSTing crewe.  "GET THAT PACKAGE!"
After a lengthy struggle which involved a lot of swearing, some spilt popcorn, a duck and 
more than a few bruised body parts, Adol and Ying finally managed to wrestle the package out 
of the avatars' grasp.
"I knew it!  Instant plot device!  Just add water!  They were hoarding it the whole time!" 
exclaimed Ying triumphantly.
"Actually, we were trying to get RID of it, if you must know," corrected Kirin irritably.
"Now why would you wanna go do a thing like that?  It's our ticket outta here!" 
"Because it's past its expiration date!" replied Alexis. "You don't know WHAT it'll do!" 
"Pfft.  Leave it to author-created characters to hoard all the beneficial plot points," scoffed 
Jim.  "Let's try it!"
"But you really don't want..."
"It's either that or stick around here for the rest of this fic," Garland replied and turned 
to his friend.  "Come on, Adol, get some water." 
"Right."  He headed towards the bathroom.

Kirin tried to reason with the others. "Really, it's not a good thing to use an instant plot 
device that old.  I mean, that one by itself is a good five years old." 
"Mind you, it's not like anybody's ever really TRIED it when it's that old," mused Alexis.
"True..." agreed Kirin.  "But still..."
"Aw, yer both a bunch of spoilsports," said Ying.  "Ah, here's Adol with the water."
"Got it right here -- whoa!"  In his rush to get the water over to the group, Adol tripped 
over the duck, who squawked in annoyance.  The promised glass of water spilt all over the two 
avatars.
It also hit the package.
A loud explosion occurred, creating a large puff of colored smoke in the air.  When the air 
cleared, the following had taken place:

1 transformation (Kirin into a small horned-toad)
1 unexplained marriage (Alexis to Jim, both of whom were wearing 	the garb for the ceremony)
1 sudden ability to fly (Garland, who floated above everybody else)
1 personality swap (Adol with Ying).
(The duck, incidentally, turned into a Crunch bar.  Nobody found a proper explanation for 
this.)

"YECH!"  Alexis and Jim back away from each other in disgust.  The toad was not amused.
"Warned ya," it croaked out.
"Well THIS is a mess," commented Garland.  "On the other hand, this is kinda fun!   Wheee!"  
He did a loop-to-loop in the air.
"All riiight!  Opposable thumbs!" exclaimed Ying/Adol, wriggling his hands.  "Now I can beat 
Joel at Ranma: Hard Battle!"
"You do it anyway!" replied Jim.  "Ugh, I got married to the prude."
"You think I'M happy about it?!  Ugh, married to a cardboard cut-out.  The honeymoon will be 
hell," shot back Alexis.
Everybody stared at her.  "What?!" she growled.
"Well I, for one, now know what a muppet feels like," said Adol/Ying.  "I can't feel my arms!"
Ying/Adol glared at him.  "Don't make me hurt you."
"Well, with any luck it'll wear off eventually.  I mean, it IS old, so it's pretty unstable," 
said Alexis.  "And I DO mean luck, since the last thing I need on my record is a divorce."
"Maybe," agreed Kirin.  "Just as long as Morgan doesn't see..."
The television screen flared on.  "And how's everything going ov...er..." Morgan stared at his 
experiments, currently mortified.  "JESUS CHRIST!  WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU PEOPLE?"
"Let's not get into it," growled Garland.
"Mmm.  Well, whatever.  Back in the theater!  Unless, of course, it's time for the wedding 
reception?"  He arched an eyebrow wryly at Alexis and Jim.
"You are dead, Morgan.  Really, REALLY dead," the two said simultaneously.  They marched back 
into the theater.

[switching to theater mode]
Garland: Uh...will someone get me an anchor?  I can't sit down for some reason.
Ying/Adol: There's a hefty pack of Sour Patch Kids to the right.  Use that.
Alexis: This dress is starting to chafe.
Adol/Ying: Where'd the duck come from, anyway? 

> (In the central control room) 
> Computer: Intruder alert! Intruder alert! I said "INTRUDER ALERT!!!" 
Jim: Boy, Majel Barett sure has gotten stuffy since Voyager began.

> Yuffie: When are you guys going to get that thing fixed?! 
Alexis: If they work for the cable company, sometime between twelve and five.
Garland: They needed to take the computer in for vitamins and a fur brushing to boot.
Adol/Ying: Don't say fur.
Garland: Sorry.

> Sailor Moon: It's not a malfunction this time! There are three 
> parties entering from every entrance! 
Kirin: Wouldn't it be more efficient to just have one entrance? I mean, you need a fire exit, 
of course, but one exit would be easier to protect.
Ying/Adol: Well, they just found the base lying there. Don't blame them, blame the previous 
occupants.
Kirin: (ribbit)

> Yuffie: Damn! How big are they?! 
Jim: (Moon) Well, I dunno.  I don't know them THAT well.  We just...
Alexis: (Yuffie) The GROUPS, nimrod!
Jim: (Moon) Oh.  I knew that.

> Sailor Moon: Two groups of nine, one of two! Waittaminute! The alarms 
> aren't going off in the rear sector, maybe Sailor Mercury's back! 
Adol/Ying: (Yuffie) She'd have better remembered the toothpaste this time!

> Yuffie: Go check! 
> Sailor Moon: (Runs out) 
> Yuffie: As for the rest of you, split up and attack! 
> Sailor Mars: Yes, Mistress! 
Ying/Adol: Yuffie IS She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed. 

> (Mars, Jupiter, Uranus, and Pluto head for Cloud's team while Venus,
> Saturn, and Neptune head for Vegeta's team) 
> Yuffie: I'd better call for backup. (Uses an Instant Plot Device) 
Kirin: Akuma is summoned.  He is not happy, and kills all involved.  The end.  
Garland: This is Dyne we're talking about.  He doesn't like Street Fighter.
Jim: So what would he summon?
Garland: Well, considering there are a few games represented, he's gonna pull something 
convoluted and resuscitate some bozos who should have remained dead in the first place, 
like Cell or Ganon or...

> Captain Ginyu: (Appears) We are here! We are... 
> Recoom/Chase: (Appear) THE GINYU FORCE!!! (Do their gay dance) 
Garland: See my point?
Ying/Adol: I detect a level of soreness.
Garland: You don't know half of it.
(Kirin sees a fly and catches it with his tongue.)
Adol/Ying: That's disturbing.

> Yuffie: S**t! I was hoping for PeeWee! 
Kirin: (Captain Ginyu) They caught him at the porn theater again.

> Anyway Ginyu, I need two of you to go to the side entrance while the 
> third heads for the front entrance to help my girls. 
Jim: Anna Paquin and McCauley Culkin?
Alexis: Macauley isn't a girl.

> Captain Ginyu: What's in it for us?! 
Ying/Adol: (Yuffie) You get to leave the story early.
All: (Ginyu Force) We're in!

> Recoom: I like soap operas. 
> Chase: Yeah Yuffie! I've got a bigger dildo and I want to use it! 
Kirin: Thanks for sharing.  (ribbit)

> Yuffie: All right! All right! Defeat the intruders and I'll let you 
> have one of my girls, each. 
Garland: Aren't they gay?  
Adol/Ying: No they aren't.
Garland: They're wearing SPANDEX, for crissakes!

> Chase: Hot damn! (Runs towards the front entrance) 
Jim: (Yuffie) Just watch out for the booby--
Alexis: (Chase) YEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWW!
Jim: (Yuffie) Traps.

> Recoom: Can I watch soap operas? 
> Captain Ginyu: I'll destroy the f**kin' TV if you don't come with me! 
> Recoom: That'd be bad, 'cause I like soap operas. (He and Ginyu head 
> for the side entrance) 
Ying/Adol: So to...uh...recap, Recoom likes Soap Operas.
Kirin:  Okay.  Taking bets now on how many times he says that.
Alexis:  I bet eight.
Garland: Five.
Adol/Ying: Six at least.

> Yuffie: I should help them... but I won't! (Relaxes) That's what 
> being the leader is all about. 
Jim: You know what would save this fic? Topless mud wrestling.
Garland: Oh, you'd think that...
Ying/Adol: Actually, I think that about everything.
Alexis: Honestly...
Adol/Ying: Don't you dare, Ying.  You're in my body.  

> (At the front entrance) 
> Cloud: Be careful you guys, there could be traps  
> anywhaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! 
> (Steps onto a trap-door) 
> Cait Sith: Maybe you should stop saying those types of lines 
> altogether. 
> Cloud (Hanging onto the edge): No s**t, Sherlock! (Pulls up) 
Kirin: And SPEAKING OF LINES YOU SHOULD STOP...
Garland: Chill.  It's old.

> (The Scouts run up) 
> Sailor Mars: In the name of Mars! 
> Sailor Jupiter: And for Jupiter, also! 
> Sailor Pluto: By the power of Pluto! 
Alexis: By the power of Ra...

> Sailor Uranus: By the greatness of Uranus-
> Link: I'm gonna have fun tonight! 
Jim: (singing) Gonna scooooore tonight! 
Ying/Adol: Jim, I thought we said NO Grease 2 riffs. 
Jim: You're just jealous you didn't think of it.

> Steve: Babes! 
Alexis:  Where'd HE come from?
Adol/Ying: He's like that gopher from Caddyshack.  Always turning up at inconvenient moments.

> Sailor Scouts: Through our powers combined-
> Captain Planet: (Appears) I am Captain Planet! The Power is yours! 
> Jack: Cool! I've finally learned what the absolute "Power" is!
Jim: So Captain Planet is played by Gene Hackman?

> Hanpan: What?
> Jack: Gay @$$ pansies with bad lines!
Kirin: And now Jack the Ripper expresses hostility towards flowers. This fic has 
everything!
Ying/Adol: Is that like R. Jak?
Morgan: (over mike) NOW CUT THAT OUT!

> Fei: Let's call a truce long enough to kill this son of a b***h!
> Sailor Mars: Agreed.
> (Everyone focuses their attack on Captain Planet)
Alexis: As if there wasn't enough gratuitous violence in this fic.
Garland: Hey, I hated the bastard too.

> Captain Planet: Oh... poopy! (Dies)
Adol/Ying: Ecology and Pokémon are bad. Swearing and short skirts are good!

> Sailor Jupiter: Okay, let's begin where we left off!
Ying/Adol: I think we were at the part where Denzel Washington was angry and everyone else 
was pondering the racial injustice blatantly shown.  (pause)  Course I could be wrong.

> Sailor Scouts: We will punish you!
> Barret: Spread out an' attack!
> Chase: (Runs in swinging his dildo) Your leader sent me to help!
Kirin: And JUST when you thought it COULDN'T get any WORSE!  *sigh*.  (ribbit)

> Tifa: Oh f**k! Not him again!
(general blink)
Garland: Again?  You mean this happened BEFORE?

> Link: His friend was the one who blew me through the wall in Ganon's 
> Tower!
> Cait Sith: No s**t, Sherlock! 
Alexis: Why does that line warrant a 'no s...
Jim: Look, if we stopped asking, you should too.

> Chase: By the power of my dildo I will destroy you!
> Steve: Babes! (Pulls out a bigger dildo)
> Chase: Ah! A challenge! (Pulls out an even bigger dildo)
> Steve: BABES!!! (Pulls out an EVEN BIGGER dildo)
Ying/Adol: See? Steve is really the positive role model America needs.
(Garland throws the Sour Patch Kids pack at Ying/Adol.  Due to this effect, he zooms
up to the ceiling and bonks his head on the top.)
Jim: That's not funny anymore, Garland.
Garland: (from ceiling) BITE ME!

> Jack: I'll handle this one before those dildos smother us. TRUMP 
> CARD!!!
Adol/Ying: Ha HA!  Donald Trump swoops in and buys all the dildos! 

> (Cuts Chase and his dildo into several pieces)
> Steel: Get the b***hes!
> (They start fighting)
Garland: (from ceiling) Again.
Alexis: Cue battle music.
[Reverts.  Everyone back to normal.]
Adol: Hey.  Good timing.
Ying: I miss having arms.
Kirin: Hey, what about Gar...
(Garland screams and crashes into the seats.)
Alexis: Ow...
Garland: No help...ooh...no help...
Ying: That was COOL!

> (At the side entrance)
> Aeris: Vegeta, I'm scared. Hold me!
> Vegeta: (Grabs her between the legs) It'll be alright.
Jim: I don't think groping counts as a comforting gesture, Vegeta.
Garland: It'll get worse.  We probably have one or two fight sequences 
forthcoming. 

> Bart: There could be Sailor b***hes anywhere, keep you guard up!
Alexis: Careful! They'll speak in gruff tones and sing sea shanties! 

> Goku: I sense that they are near... They are coming...
> Spanky: (Imitating Goku) And they are bringing hot dogs...
Ying: Not hotdogs! Bananas! It's Chibi-usa's Seventh Birthday!
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Ying: No!  I was joking!  Really!  Re...
(Another flurry of action ensues which leaves Ying gagged and duct-taped to the 
ceiling.)
Morgan: (over mike) We need to talk about anger management.  
Garland: This IS anger management.
Ying: Mmmm mmmm MMMMMPH!
Adol: Not now.

> Vincent: No, Goku's right. (Draws his gun)
> Cecilia: This really isn't time for art, Vincent.
> Vincent: Sorry... (Puts the drawing away and pulls out his gun)
Jim: Man, can we get back to the unrealistic dramatic parts?

> (The Scouts run up)
> Sailor Venus: Through the love of Venus!
> Sailor Saturn: On behalf of Saturn!
> Sailor Neptune: By the beauty of Neptune!
> Sailor Scouts: We will destroy you!
Garland: Girl anime goes sado-masochistic.
Alexis:  Well, love can tear some people apart...
Kirin: I don't think they meant that literally, Alexis.

> Red XIII: I thought it went "We will punish you!"
> Sailor Venus: We're trying to be more original.
Adol: Yeah, changing one word revolutionizes the saying.
Ying: Mmmmph?
Adol: Not now.

> Rudy: That's a new one.
> (Captain Ginyu and Recoom enter the area)
> Captain Ginyu: We are here to help you!
> Recoom: We are...
> Ginyu/Recoom: THE GINYU FORCE!!! (Do their gay dance)
Jim: Why am I suddenly picturing the Backstreet Boys in this?
Adol: Because you sinned in a past life.  Roll the bones.

> Vegeta: Oh s**t! You guys again?! Is Frieza going back to his cheap 
> labor plan again!?
Kirin: Yeah, he uses the Ginyu force to settle labor disputes ALL the time. 

> Captain Ginyu: (Speaking with a deep voice) No Vegeta! We were 
> revived by the Scouts' leader with...
> Recoom: Soap operas! 
> Captain Ginyu: Shut up, you! Right in the middle of my big moment! 
> *Ahem* With... an INSTANT PLOT DEVICE!!!
Jim: Why have a back story when you could just use an instant plot device?
Ying: Mmmmmph...

> Recoom: Just add water!
> Red XIII: Forsooth! Now we may blame Cloud and Cait for influencing 
> evils inflicted upon this world!
> Aeris: Red, you're overacting!
Kirin: No, he sounds pretty reasonable.

> Red XIII: (Ignores her) Their products hath brought doom, 
> destruction, insanity, and p***ies with gay dances upon us!  Yeah, 
> verily it is the Instant Plot Device (just add water) that will 
> destroy us all!
Garland: See?  That's just what I was saying about...
Alexis: Not interested.
Garland: (pitiful) It's true...

> All: (Applaud)
> Recoom: I like soap operas.
> Rudy: Enough of this soap opera s**t! (Pulls out the Arch Smash and 
> blows Recoom away)
Jim:  You know, I was beginning to miss this random blowing away
of people.  Thanks so much, Dyne.
Adol: Rudy was later indicted in superior court. In a moment, the results of that trial.

> Vincent: Now you will all perish!
> (Their fight begins)
>
Garland: Okay, cut Ying down.
(Ying is cut down and ungagged.)
Ying: You could have given me some warning, y'know.
Jim: And ruin the fun?  Nonsense!

[commercial]

----------
This episode brought to you by The Mutual of Wedge.
Insuring the Multiverse since 1958.
----------

[back]

> (At the rear entrance)
> Sailor Mercury: Come on. I think your friend is over here!
> Dav: Easier said than done. (Jumps away from a laser trap) You're 
> lucky since these things don't activate for you!
Adol: (Dav) So damn lucky. Get beaten to a pulp, suffer internal bleeding, forced to 
hang out with the Sailor Scouts, you have ALL the luck.

> Sailor Mercury: After we help your friend we may be able to reach the 
> central control room and I can turn the traps off.
Kirin: (Mercury) Not that I will. Just thought I'd let you know.

> Dav: Great, let's go! (Turns a corner and sees Sailor Moon coming) Oh 
> s**t! (Jumps back) Meatball head's coming!
> Sailor Mercury: You know that her boyfriend also calls her that don't you?
> Dav: He does? Oh man! Now I have to come up with another name!
Alexis: You know what this indicates, right?
Garland: What?
Alexis: The author's actually watched the show.
Jim: Heh. 

> Sailor Mercury: I'll distract her, you slip by. (Turns the corner)
> Sailor Moon: Sailor Mercury! You escaped!
> Sailor Mercury: Uh... yeah... so I did.
> Dav: (Slips by)
> Sailor Moon: Wait, the Mistress detected two people in this sector!
Ying: (Moon) You're one and I'm two. That works.

> (Turns around) Hey! You!
> Dav: (Stops) F**k!
Kirin: (Moon) Right me beauties, you are NICKED. 

> Sailor Moon: You're not going anywhere!
Adol: Especially not New Delhi!

> I am Sailor Moon!  The Champion of Justice!
Alexis: She was the Champion of Justice the year America boycotted.

> I will right wrongs and triumph over evil like you! On behalf of the 
> moon, I will punish you!
> Dav: (Has Atma Weapon drawn) So? What's you point?
Jim: Her nipples are kind of pointy.
Garland: Hey, watch it.

> Sailor Moon: C'mon Mercury, we can handle him!
> Sailor Mercury: Okay! Mercury Ice Bubbles! FREEZE!!!
Ying: Hey! I've heard of taking a cold shower, but this is obscene!

> Sailor Moon: MOON SCEPTER EL- (Gets frozen) HUH?! Mercury you missed!
> Sailor Mercury: Actually no. 
Kirin: (James Bond) I never miss.

>(Walks up to Dav)
> Dav: I owe you one. (Kisses her)
Adol: Uh, that's okay. Keep it.

> Had me scared for a minute there.
Jim: (Dav) So would you please take off the hockey mask?

> Sailor Mercury: C'mon, the dungeon's this way. (They run out)
> Sailor Moon: Traitor! B***h! Sexual lebasidas demicriada!
Garland: Whoa, don't hold back.
Alexis:  And you know, I STILL have absolutely no idea what this means.

> (Back to Cloud's group)
> Tifa: (Fighting Sailor Mars, of course) I'll kill you if it's the 
> last thing I do!
Jim: (Tifa) I'll kill you, Godo!

> Sailor Mars: Yeah right, b***h!
> Tifa: This time I've got a secret weapon!
Kirin: Oatmeal!

> Get her, Steve!
> Steve: Babes! (Runs up and starts to rape Sailor Mars)
Alexis: ...what?
Kirin:  Oh, s**t.
Alexis:  Let me get this straight.  Dyne actually thinks rape is FUNNY?!  Well, let me tell 
YOU something, pal...
(Alexis slumps over and goes to sleep.)
Kirin:  Phew.  Nice save, Adol.
Adol: (with syringe) I try.
Jim: Better dispose of the evidence.  We don't know what will happen if she finds out what 
we did.
Garland: (Covers his eyes) Oh, thank you so very much, Dyne.  Thank you so BLOODY MUCH!

> Steel: Look out guys! This is going to get ugly!
> Sailor Mars: Help! Rape! RAPE!!!
Jim: Sailor I Spit on Your Grave, apparently.

> Steve: Babes!
> Cloud: Well, he's pulling a Link.
> Link: Damn right!
Kirin: Why, thank you for THAT image too! 

> Jack: (Fighting Sailor Uranus) Weak sword moves there, b***h!
> Sailor Uranus: (With the Space Sword drawn) At least I don't have a 
> gay rat as a partner!
> Jack: Hanpan is not gay! And he'll prove it!
Adol: (Jack) As soon as he stops humping my leg...

> Get her!
> Hanpan: Okay! (Runs up Sailor Uranus' skirt)
> Sailor Uranus: HEY!!!
> Jack: (Whacks her with his hair and knocks her across the corridor)
Garland: Kirin, can you do that with your ponytail?
Kirin:  Only with a lot of mousse. 

> Hanpan: (Runs back) Jack if you ever make me do that again!
Jim: I'll use correct punctuation!

> Sailor Pluto: Time to end this, I'll rip you out of time! DEAD 
> SCREAM!!!
> (Crono, Frog, and Lucca appear)
Kirin: Okay, what the HELL is going on?!?
Ying: This reminds me of the time I got stuck in the dryer. It's hot, it's cramped, 
and I think it's melting my brain. 
Adol: We did that to Gamma once.
Garland: You WHAT?

> Sailor Pluto: Hey! He's the one who zapped me earlier!
Jim: Oh! So that's the answer to number 4...
Kirin: You kept track of the answers?
Jim: Sure, didn't you guys?
(Uneasy coughs)
Jim: Uh, never mind.
Adol: Get the duct tape ready again.

> Crono: Huh?! What the hell happened?! We were in the middle of 
> traveling through a Gate when we suddenly stopped!
Ying: Kinda of like we exited one! Weird, huh?
Jim: See? Now this would be an interesting plot twist for Sailor Moon. Who pops out 
of the portal next? 
Garland: Next week we have Emmanuel Lewis and Tony Danza popping out. The week after 
that has Ichiro Suzuki and Kevin Spacey!  Don't miss it!

> Frog: Perhaps thou hast an answer, Lucca.
Adol: (Lucca) Look, I needed a break!  Just go get some complimentary coffee while I 
head to the little girls room, 'kay? 

> Lucca: I have no idea. But here's another Gate. (She opens it and 
> they jump in)
> Link: Well that was weird!
Jim: So...what happened to Sailor Mars being raped?
Garland: Do you value your legs?
Jim: Well, I...
Garland: Speak not of it.

> Cait Sith: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Fei: Eat this, b***h! (Performs his Yamikei combo on Sailor Pluto)
> Sailor Pluto: (Gets knocked out)
> Sailor Jupiter: JUPITER THUNDER DRAGON!!! (Summons the dragon)
> Barret: I'll handle dis foo'! (Raises his gun-arm)
Ying: Protoman, no!

> Dragon: (Bites the gun-arm and shocks Barret)
Adol: Now that's an effective dragon.
Jim: Bravo. Don't bite his head off or anything easy.

> Barret: S****************T!!!
> Steel: (Grabs a fire extinguisher and destroys the dragon)
(Alexis stirs)
Garland: Whuh-oh.  Brace yourselves, boys.

> Link: I'll get the b***h! (Hookshots Sailor Jupiter over and raises 
> his sword)
> Sailor Jupiter: AH! (Covers her eyes)
> Links: Not "AH", HA! (Lays a bomb at her feet and runs)
> Sailor Jupiter: Huh? (Looks down and gets blown away)
Adol: Hey!  Vaudeville!
[Alexis wakes up]
Alexis:  Was I asleep?  Wow, the fic's more boring than I thought.
Jim: So you have no memory of any objectionable scenes?
Alexis: (blinking) Whaddaya mean?  This whole fic's objectionable.
Ying: Never mind, then.

> Cloud: Come on! The sooner we find Cid the sooner we'll get outta 
> here!
> (Everybody, including Steve, runs out)
Alexis:  Wait.  NOW I remember. Bastards.
Adol: Well, at least she's not in rant mode anymore.
Alexis:  Typical rapist.  Always cuts and runs afterwards.
Garland: (sigh) Moving on...

> (At the dungeon)
Kirin:  The Modest Dungeon, as hosted by Brick Road. 

> Dav: (Runs in) Cid! You all right?!
> Cid: They took my f**kin' cigarettes, and put 'em right over there, I 
> can't f**kin' breathe!!! And why the hell are you with that goddamn 
> f**kin' Sailor b***h?!
Garland: (Dav) Which one do you want answered first?
Ying: (Cid) It doesn't really matter.  I'm just cranky from nicotine withdrawal.  
Garland: (Dav) Understandable.
Ying: (Cid) Now f**kin' untie me already!

> Dav: It's okay, she's with us now. Amy, open the cell, I'll get his 
> cigarettes. (They do so)
Garland: (Dav) Damn, forgot change for the machine.
Ying: (Cid) WHAT?!
Garland: (Dav) Just kidding. 


> Cid: Hell yeah! (Takes a ciggie but notices that he's out of matches) 
> ^$?%&%^&$^*^%$%?%^*%^*(&^$%^%^*)%(^)%&)%(%^&@$%^%)&(@$)%*)!#%^(%)&)$%
> ()%(^@)*(&)$^(&)*(%)&*(@$^)&()%&*$)#&(#$)&(@$)(%^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alexis: That's Cid talk for 'Oh dear, I appear to be out of matches.  Oh well, I 
guess I'm gonna have to make a run to the store.  Geez, that kinda bites', right?
Jim: Nnnnnnnnnnno...

> I finally get my f**kin' cigs back and I'm f**kin' outta f**kin' 
> matches!!!
Adol: Bitch, bitch, bitch...I mean b***h, b***h, b***h.

> Dav: You may want to short out some wires.
Kirin (Cid) Well, I guess that'll work instead of matches...
Garland (Dav) Wasn't talking to you.

> Sailor Mercury: Is that a good idea?
> Dav: It may knock out the power but those traps won't activate. (Cuts 
> a hole in the wall)
Ying: Right into the Scouts' dressing room.
Others: (Scouts) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!  PERVERT! 

> (At Vegeta's team)
Adol: They're preparing for their "Flying V" offense!

> Captain Ginyu: Time to unleash a new attack! (Starts a new gay dance)
> Spanky: Oh s**t! It's draining my life force away!
> Aeris: Vegeta! Do something!
Jim: Yeah! Quick, jump up and down and demand a cucumber!
(*DING*)
Ying: Huh?
Garland: Wow.  Limit break.  That never happened before...
Ying and Jim: I'll be good.

> Vegeta: Ready, Kakaraught?
> Goku: Let's do it! Kao Cannon times..... 1000! (Fires it)
Alexis: (Vegeta) No, not at meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

> Vegeta: (Fires a Solar Flare into the some spot as the Kao Cannon and
> its power intensifies)
Kirin: Shades on.
(the group puts on sunglasses.)

> Goku/Vegeta: KAO FLARE!!! (The blast shoots toward Captain Ginyu)
> Captain Ginyu: Oh... no! (Gets blown across the galaxy)
All:  Oooooooh.
[They take off the glasses.]
Adol: Has anybody ever told you you look like Riff from Sluggy Freelance with 
those glasses on, Kirin?
Kirin:  Yeah yeah yeah... 

> Spanky: I take back that comment about the strongest power I made 
> back in Midgar.
Ying: What comment?
Alexis: Lessee... 
(Alexis flips through script) 
Alexis: Nope. Can't find it.
Kirin: We in the audience will just have to take his word for it, won't we?
Garland: (angrily) I hate the damn monkey.

> Rudy: Damn, that was cool!
> Cecilia: Isn't that Jack's line?
> Rudy: Well, he's not here to say it!
> Aeris: Thanks Vegeta, I'll pay you back tonight.
> Vegeta: HELL YA'!!!
> Sailor Venus: Hello? Can we continue fighting?!
Jim: Er...no.

> Vincent: Okay. (Turns into the Galian Beast) Ah ha ha ha ha ha!!!
> Sailor Venus: S**t! Not again! (Runs like hell)
> Vincent: This time I'm actually going to hit! (Slams Sailor Venus 
> into the wall)
Ying: I think this qualifies as cruel and unusual.
Jim: Cool, she left a little Sailor Scout shaped dent in the wall!

> Sailor Neptune: We're going to need some teamwork.
> Sailor Saturn: Gotcha! SILENCE
Jim: Is golden.

> WALL!!! (Forms a barrier around Sailor Neptune)
> Bart: Way to leave yourself open, b***h! (Cracks his whip, wraps it 
> around Sailor Saturn, and pulls)
> Sailor Saturn: (Spins around over and over) Whoooooaaaaaa!!! (Gets 
> incredibly dizzy and pukes all over Red XIII)
> Red XIII: EEEEEERRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!! (Mauls Sailor Saturn and 
> knocks her out)
> Sailor Neptune: Uh oh, time for a new strategy!
Jim: Quick! Create a two front war! One invade across the English Channel and the 
other repel an attack at Stalingrad!

> Spanky: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Sailor Neptune: (Opens a panel in the wall and pulls out a gun) Ha! 
> This is hooked directly to the main power core!
Ying: Then, of course, she promptly yanks the cord out on accident. 

> Rudy: Oh, great!
> Sailor Neptune: Yeah, great for me! (About to pull the trigger when 
> the power goes out and the auxiliary turns on) Oh s**t!
Jim: (Rudy) Yeah, oh s**t for me!  Oh, wait.

> Cecilia: Stupid whore! (Whacks Sailor Neptune on the head and knocks 
> her out)
Ying: Oh, bravo. Really made for an epic battle, no?  (looks around) Guys?  Guys?
(Adol, Garland, Kirin, and Alexis enter back in the theater.)
Adol: Hi, Jim.  Hi, Ying.  We were just out during that section getting snacks.  
Peanut butter cup?
Ying: I hate you.  

> Red XIII: (Finishes licking the vomit off of himself) Okay, let's go!
> (They all move on)
Jim: So is that cherry-flavored vomit, or...no.  Won't ask. 

> (Back in the dungeon)
Kirin: Dav and Amy pass the Count of Monte Cristo and just make fun of him.
 
> Dav: Well we did short out the power. Feel better, Cid?
> Cid: (Smoking ten cigs at once) Hell yeah!
Garland: (Cid) I am in flavor country.
Alexis: (Dav) Ten at once?
Garland: (Cid) Big country.

> Sailor Mercury: Okay, time to get Yuffie!
> Dav: I'm with you!
> Cid: Same here, I'll get that b***h for what she did to me!
Ying: (Cid) Try and increase my life span by twenty years while making me socially 
attractive? The fiend!

> Sailor Mercury: All right, time for mutiny!
> Dav/Cid: Hell yeah!
>
> (In the central control room)
Adol: Fat lot of good this place has been doing.

> Yuffie: (Looking at the surveillance screens) They're all headed for
> this room. (Turns her chair to face away from the doors)
Jim: (Yuffie) Oh wait, we already did the "unveiling of the secret villain."  Oh 
well, might as well run through the motions anyway. 

> (Cloud's team runs in)
> Barret: So you're da top b***h! Who da f**k are you?!
> Tifa: And what did you do with Cid?!
Alexis: (Tifa) If he's the same, you can keep him.

> Cloud: Why the hell are you doing this?!
> Steve: Babes!
> (Vegeta's team runs in)
Kirin: (Vegeta) Don't ask.
Garland: (Cloud) Why are all of you wearing spandex and tutus?
Kirin: (Vegeta) DON'T ASK.

> Aeris: We're all here!
Garland: (Cloud) Wait. Where's your dress, Aeris?
Jim: (Aeris) DON'T ASK.

> Vincent: And whoever you are, you will be annihilated. (Pulls out his
> chainsaw and revs it up)
> Spanky: It's because of you that our games of Smash Bros. were cut 
> short!
> Steel: Damn right!
> Vegeta: We'd still be playing if you hadn't screwed up our weekend!
Ying: Okay, I can agree that murder is an acceptable form of retaliation here...
Alexis: Kirin, remind me not to disrupt Bodger when she's playing Terranigma.

> Yuffie: Mwahahahahahahaha!!! None of you know who I am?
Jim: Well, they aren't exactly great detectives. In fact, I'd say they have the same 
skills of one Dr. Watson.
Adol: The virus detector?
Jim: No sh*t, Sher-- 
(Everyone glares at him)
Jim: Never mind.

> The one who will soon rule over all is me-
Alexis: "is *I*", thank you.

> Sailor Moon: (Runs in) Yuffie! Sailor Mercury's a traitor!
> AVALANCHE: YUFFIE?!
> Yuffie: (Turns around) Godammit Serena! You ruined my best line ever!
Garland: "Mwahaha" is her best line ever?

> I'll deal with you after I kill them! (Turns to the team) Remember 
> this?! (Pulls out the Knights-of-the-Round materia)
Adol: (Vincent) Yeah.  I have it equipped, see?
Ying: (Yuffie) Huh?  

> Cloud: Oh crap!
> Barret: Sh't!
> Link: This doesn't appear to be a good thing.
> Yuffie: Ironic, isn't it? 
Jim: A little TOO ironic, and yet I really do think... 
All: (singing) It's like RAYAYAAAAAAAIN on your wedding day!

> The most powerful materia in the world is going to destroy its owner! 
> Mwahahahahahahahaha!!! ULTIMATE E- (A rock knocks the materia out of 
> her hand) Huh?! What the hell?!
Kirin: And that was our climax. Thanks for reading!
Adol: Who the hell decided the rock would be the deus ex machina?

> Cait Sith: (Catches the materia) Who did that?!
Ying: Steve Gutt...?
Garland: No, don't you dare even suggest it.

> (Dav, Cid, and Sailor Mercury walk in)
Alexis: (Dav) Hey, we just passed this competent guy carrying a bunch of rocks. 
Anyone know him?

> Dav: And just think, I didn't even have to aim.
> Tifa: Dav! You're back! And you helped Cid!
Adol: (Cloud) So when do we get to kill him?
Ying: (Fei) SHHHHHHH!

> All: No s**t, Sherlock!
> Steel: But why is the Sailor b***h with you?!
Jim: Eminem's last words before changing his mind on homosexual rights.
Kirin: I either didn't get that or I didn't want to get it.

> Dav: Don't you ever call her that! If you do you'll feel the wrong 
> end of my sword! Amy and I are uh...well... uh... you know.
Garland: (Dav) Morons.  Yeah, that's it.
Adol: (Cloud) Oh, that's different.  KILL HIM!

> Sailor Mercury: We're in love.
> Dav: Right, that. (They kiss)
Ying: Yeah, right. (Blanch)

> AVALANCHE/Sailor Moon: Wohoo!!!
> Yuffie: No! My dreams are shattered! My plans are ruined!
Alexis: It's kind of sad that you feel more sad for Yuffie, the person who 
tortures people with bad fanfiction, than AVALANCHE, who had to swear a lot 
and be really lucky in order to defeat her.

> WWWWAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
> Sailor Moon: Crybaby!
> Dav: (Pulls back) That reminds me. Time to do what I do in every fic!
> JUSTICE SLASH!!! (Hits Yuffie)
> Yuffie: I regret nothing! (Dies)
All:  (bitterly) Well you SHOULD.

> Cloud: So Dav, is that why you ran?
> Dav: (Puts Atma Weapon away) Sorry I did that Cloud. My emotions got 
> the best of me.
Kirin: (Dav) Sorry my morality acted up and I objected to you beating up a 
defenseless woman. How rude of me!

> Sailor Moon: But what will we do now?
Ying: (singing) Where do we go from here? 
Jim: I think this would be a sufficient place to leave those little high school 
picture ending things like from Can't Hardly Wait. You know, have a person's 
picture and sum up what happened to them after the fic?
Adol: You mean like "TIFA: Dead from alcohol poisoning."
Jim: Yeah. Just do that for all of 'em.
Garland: Oh, like "CLOUD: Single sex fiend in the Bayview Retirement Home."
Jim: Er, no, I mean like "CLOUD: Dead from alcohol poisoning." Then just keep 
doing that down the line.
Adol: So they're all going to die from alcohol poisoning?
Jim: That's my plan!

> (The rest of the Scouts run in)
> Sailor Venus: There they are!
Alexis: (Venus) Arrest those men!
Ying: (Spock) Arrest yourself!
Kirin: This has been a Star Trek VI moment. Thank you.

> Steve: Babes!
> Sailor Mars: (Shudders)
> Sailor Mercury: STOP!!! Yuffie is dead-
> AVALANCHE: Again.
> Sailor Mercury: And we were about to discuss what we're going to do 
> next!
Garland: Let's flash forward 500 years and see Red XIII get killed, okay?

> Dav: The way I see it is this. 
Adol: (Dav) Short skirts. Hostility towards women. I think it's time to open 
a brothel.
Ying: You tell ME not to give him ideas...

> If you girls all go back to the way you used to be before Yuffie took 
> over then everything'll be as normal as it ever was.
Kirin: You know, intelligent.

> OR...
> Sailor Scouts: OR?!
> Dav: If you continue to keep doing what you're doing now and trying 
> to take over the world then we'll lock you all, except for Mercury of 
> course, in a room with HIM! (Points at Steve)
Jim: (Dav) And he'll keep trying to explain his ideas for flat tax to you! 

> Steve: BABES!!!
> Sailor Scouts: (Scream) NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alexis: (simultaneously w/ Scouts) NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ying: Geez, the way she reacts, you'd think SHE was Sailor Mars.

> Link: Oh man, that IS a fate worse than death. I don't feel sorry for 
> Ramza anymore.
Garland (Link) Well, except for the fact that he got pushed out of a plane 
and is forced to mate with somebody he hardly knows, but...
Kirin: Logic...
Garland: Oh, right.

> Sailor Moon: We'll go back to our old ways!
Jim: (Sailor Moon) Wetting the bed, crying, playing with Barbies, anything!

> Sailor Mars: Just keep me away from him!
> Steve: Babes!
> Cloud: Done.
Adol: (ominous) Your deal with the devil is now complete!

> Barret: But what we gonna do now?
> Jack: We all go home.
> Cid: Yeah, I've got about ten packs to catch up on.
> Goku: Only ten?
> Cid: Oops, that's ten thousand packs.
Alexis: (Cid) You've gotta remember that whenever I say a number, you have to 
multiply it by a thousand.
Kirin: Nicotine dependence is fun, isn't it?
Alexis: Oh, but we kid Cid's harrowing addiction.

> Dav: I have an idea as well.
Ying: If it were an original one, it'd be a first for the fic.

> (Turns to Sailor Mercury) Amy, will you marry me?
> All: HUH?!
Adol: NO!  NOOOO!
Garland: Calm down!  She hasn't said yes ye...

> Sailor Mercury: Of course!
Garland: Aw, DAMN YOU MERC!
Adol: GOD NO!  WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS!  WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Kirin:  You DO realize she's under the age of consent, don't you Dav?
Adol: NOOOOOOO!  NOOOOOOO!  NOT MERC!  ANYTHING BUT MERC!
Jim: This SO proves she's an S&M freak.
Ying: It does not.
Jim: Does too! She fell in love with the guy after he let her get tortured, 
then he kept her stowed away on an island while she was weak and nubile. 
Then she spent the rest of the fic barely letting him escape death traps! 
She's got the whips and chains all ready.
Alexis: I think this just proves YOU'RE a freak.
Jim: Be that way. 
Adol: I WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN!  NEVER!  NEVER!  (breathes)
Garland: Better?
Adol: Yeah...

> Bart: Aren't you guys rushing it?!
> Dav: Hey, Vegeta proposed to Aeris after ten minutes!
> Everyone: (Looks at Vegeta)
> Vegeta: He's right.
Ying: (Vegeta) But it was a plot contrivance!

> Tifa: Well yeah but you're both only 17! You're too young!
> Dav: Reality check here, Tifa. You're only 20 and you own a bar... 
> YOU'RE NOT EVEN AT THE LEGAL AGE TO DRINK!!!
Jim: See? Not being able to drink proves that Dav and Sailor Mercury are truly 
in love!

> Everyone: (Looks at Tifa)
> Tifa: (Is speechless) Uh...
> Sailor Mercury: It's settled then!
Kirin: Can videogame characters and anime characters crossbreed? Isn't that 
dangerous?
Adol: Yeah, you should see Luigi and Releena's kids.
(pause)
Alexis: Yeah?
Adol: Uuuuuuuuuugly little buggers.
Kirin: Thank you...

> Cait Sith: Dav, I'll be your matchmaker, preacher-
> AVALANCHE: We all know the line, Cait!
> Cait Sith: Sorry...
> Cloud: All right everyone, let's mosey!
> All: Damn! Again?! Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say 
> "move out" or something!?
> Cloud: There's just no pleasing you people!
Jim: Shout "Rape and brutalize the women!" That seems to ignite their 
enthusiasm.
Garland: Jim, come with me.
Jim: What?  What did I...?
Garland: Get up.
Jim: But I don't WANT to...
(Garland drags Jim off to the outside of the theater.)

> (Outside the base)
Ying: Lay the cube root of 10.

> Rudy: Well we'd better get the fairy boy back to Hyrule and the rest
> of you back to Midgar.
> Link: No! Don't take me back there! I beg you!
> Jack: All right, you can stay with us. But you have to do all of our 
> chores!
Adol: You know, like swearing and cleaning up beer. Heck, it's like working 
in a roadhouse. 

> Link: I will! I will!
Alexis: (Jack) N' you haf to take th' blame fer everything I do, and you haf' 
to call me "King Jack the Magnificent."
Kirin: (Link) Okay, big bro!

> Cid: (Sees the Gull Wing) Where the hell's the Highwind?!
> Cloud: Well... um... tell 'im, Barret.
> Barret: Oh no! You tell 'im, Vince!
> Vincent: Red XIII's the best storyteller.
> Red XIII: No thank you, that job goes to Cait Sith.
> Cait Sith: Well maybe Spanky wants to tell him.
> Spanky: No, Steel does.
> Steel: Perhaps-
> Cid: Will you just f**king tell me?!
All: (AVALANCHE) It was Steve's fault.

> Dav: We'd better get outta here.
Ying: (Bing) Come on, Dean, lets get out of this picture!

> Sailor Mercury: Good idea. (Picks Dav up and flies away in time to 
> hear Cid spew out a record-breaking amount of cussing)
Alexis: What? No long pointless string of symbols? What a rip-off. 
(We hear a loud and painful scream from outside, followed by an audible slash.)
Adol: Uh-oh.
Jim: (off-screen) OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!
Garland: (off-screen) Aw, just get a band-aid, you baby.
Jim: (off-screen) YOU CUT OFF MY ARM!
Garland: (off-screen) Get a BIG band-aid then.

> (Sing to the music of "Fly Away")
Ying: We're suppose to sing Cid's cussing to the tune of Fly Away?
Adol: What? No. NO! Not a musical number!

> Sailor Mercury: I wanna fly! Like a dragonfly! While being with my 
> guy!
All: ACK!
[Alexis and Kirin promptly put in the earplugs they've had ever since 
Anime Northwest Love Boat.]
Kirin:  Always travel prepared, I say.

> Dav: It's just something that'll get you high!
> Sailor Mercury: And we start to fly! All over the beautiful sky! And 
> we go, just him and I!
Ying: Kind of like American Pie!
Adol: I wish you'd die!
Ying: Hey! You're gonna make me cry!
Kirin:  Let add some codici!
Alexis: ...whatever, Kirin.

> Dav: Good God, but you're sly!
> Mercury/Dav: I wanna get away! I wanna f-l-y away! Yeah yeah yeah! I 
> wanna get away! I wanna f-l-y away! Yeah yeah yeah!
Kirin: Hey, I don't remember seeing a disclaimer for this song! I wonder 
how Lenny Kravitz would feel about this.
Alexis: Probably very sleepy.
(Garland and Jim comes back in.  Jim's arm is wrapped up in duct tape and 
he's whimpering slightly.)
Garland: What's going on?
Adol: Musical number.
Garland: CRAP!
(Garland runs out.)
Kirin: Why didn't I think of that?
Alexis: Because they didn't have a servo-droid with a cattle prod in the 
back at the time.
(ZAP!)
Garland: (off-screen) YOW!
Adol: Wow.  Never saw him jump that high before.

> (At the Gull Wing)
> Cid: I want my ship fast! If not then for you pansies I kick all of 
> your @$$!
Jim: That's a weird thing to say, even for him.
(Garland comes back in, whimpering.)

> Cait Sith: That won't last!
> Cid: It will be fast! When I kick your @$$!
> Cait Sith: I'd rather smell Red's gas!!
Kirin: You know, this is really disappointing as the sequel to Singing 
in the Rain.

> Cid/Cait: I wanna get away! I wanna f-l-y away! Yeah yeah yeah! I 
> wanna get away! I wanna f-l-y away! Yeah yeah yeah!
Adol: Our thoughts, exactly.

> Cait Sith: I'd better fly away!
> Cid: Damn right!
> (Song's done)
Ying: God's in his heaven, and all is right in the world.

> Sailor Mars: Hey! I didn't get to sing!
> Dav: You know, I think we forgot something.
> Sailor Mercury: I'm sure it's nothing.
Garland: Meanwhile...
Alexis: (Macauley Culkin) AAAAAAHHHHHHHGGGH! 

> (On the Satellite of Love)
> Mike: Hey! Hello?! What about us?! We're still stuck up here!
Jim: (flat) Oh, this is REALLY funny!
Kirin: This is cruel and unusual, Morgan!
Morgan: (over mike) Whatever ails you, I guess.

> Tom Servo: This is a maximum suckage!
> Crow: Don't worry guys, the good thing is that both Dr. Forrester AND 
> Yuffie are gone!
Ying: (Crow) The bad news is that we're all out of food and oxygen. Oh well.
Adol: Don't kid about that!
Ying: Oh, yeah, you guys are on satellites. Sorry.

> Mike: Yeah you're right. We can just live up here and never have to 
> worry about bad movies or cheesy fanfics ever again.
Garland: (Mike) If I really believe that, I'm much stupider than I usually act.

> Gypsy: Hey guys! Someone's calling!
> Tom Servo: Good, hopefully it's someone who'll help us get down 
> anyway.
> Cambot: (Puts the caller on-screen)
Jim: Hey look, it's Morgan!  
*ZAP!*  
Jim: OW!
Morgan: (on mike) Kindly refrain from including me in your riffs.
Adol: Stupid servdroid with the cattle prod.

> Frieza: So you guys are the ones up here!
Alexis: As opposed to who?
Garland: Maybe he's been chasing after the Satellite of Dite or something. 

> Mike: Are you going to help us?!
> Frieza: Hell no! I'm here to take over!
> Mike/Crow/Servo: Oh... poop!
Ying: Yes, evil triumphs once more thanks to AVALANCHE!

> Frieza: I guess I'll have to use bad TV shows. Hmm... let's start 
> with every episode of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers then work into 
> Care Bears.
> Mike/Crow/Servo: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Frieza: Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Alexis:  That's the worst they could do?  What about the Super Mario Brothers Show?  
What about Mr. Rhodes?  What about My Mother, the Car?
Adol: Don't give them any ideas!
Morgan: (on mike) Don't give ME any ideas...
All:...

> (Back on the planet the day of the wedding arrives)
Jim: After being lost in the country for a couple of days thanks to Cait Sith's 
bad directions. 

> Cait Sith: Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to... Do we 
> really want to go through with all of this?
Garland: Not really.
Kirin: Well, it is tradition...

> All: No!
> Cait Sith: Skip it then. Dav Cole, to you take Amy Anderson to be 
> your lawfully wedded wife?
> Dav: You bet!
Ying: It seems all fine and dandy now, but wait until he realizes he married Amy 
and not Sailor Mercury.
Jim: They're the same person.
Ying: Split personalities. It's like Doppelganger gone wrong.

> Cait Sith: Amy Anderson, do you take Dav Cole to be your lawfully 
> wedded husband?
Adol: (Cait Sith) To be out of character and out of your mind until death do 
you part?

> Amy: I do.
> Cait Sith: And by the power vested in me. And by the power behind 
> Cid's threat to kill me if I don't help him repair the Highwind...
> Cid: Damn right!
Alexis:  Talk about a shotgun wedding. 

> Cait Sith: I pronounce you man and wife! You may now kiss the bride.
Garland: (Cait Sith) Here are your free gambling chips.  Enjoy the Golden 
Saucer.  NEXT! 

> Dav/Amy: (What else?)
Jim: What else? Are they asking US? 
Adol: Hey!  I want to object!  Can I object?  

> Everyone: (Applauds)
> Barret: Sh't man, I'm jes no good at weddins.
Ying: (Barret) It's like that time that that Murdock foo' went and married 'Manda!

> Fei: Second shortest wedding I've ever seen.
> Bart: What was the shortest?
> Fei: The one on Spaceballs.
> Bart: Oh yeah.
Alexis:  Shortest wedding I ever saw was Tiny Tim's.  It was kinda one-sided, though.
Garland: That's just not funny. 

> Cait Sith: Wasn't there another wedding scheduled as well?
> Ruto: Yeah, right here!
> Ramza: (Wearing a leash) WWAAAAHHHH!!! I want Delita!
> Link/Dav: Hahahahahahahahahaha! Ramza's gay!
Ying: As proven by his marriage to a fish babe.

> Link: See, I knew we'd eventually agree on something.
> Dav: Damn right.
Jim: And thus an extremely disturbing friendship is born.

> Serena: So Amy? How does it feel to be the first one of us married?
> Amy: Different. Hey, time to toss the bouquet!
> Raye: Go ahead!
> Amy: (Tosses the bouquet)
Adol: ...hits a bird, who falls and knocks out the telephone lines...

> Bouquet: (Lands on Steve)
Alexis:  Which gave him an aneurysm and killed him. The end.
Kirin:  Uh, Alexis...
Alexis:  I know that's your shtick, Kirin, but I just don't care anymore!  *sob*
Garland: Jujube?
Alexis: Thank you. 

> Steve: Babes!
> All the (single) girls: Oh f**k! (Run from Steve)
> Cecilia: I'll handle this one. Banish!
> Steve: (Gets sealed in another dimension where he is currently 
> keeping Cait's Friend company.)
> Author's Note: You can just imagine what all their conversations are 
> like.
Adol: Probably complex dissertations on the nature of the philosophy of 
Nietzche and the works of Plato.
Jim: Yes, and we'd still rather be there.

> Cloud: Well I think you two had better cut the cake.
> Lita: Yeah, before Serena gets to it.
> Serena: (Being restrained by Steel and Spanky) It looks so good! I've
> gotta have it!
Kirin: Who's been putting heroin in the cake again? 

> (The reception moves on into the night)
> Ryu: A toast! 
Jim: Okay. Here's some butter.
Ying: I've got the cinnamon and sugar!
Alexis: CUT IT OUT!

> To Dav and Amy, may they have even more insane adventures than the 
> one that brought them together.
Garland: And may we never hear about them.

> Nina: Here here!
> Vincent: I'm sure Dyne and Dave can handle that.
> Dyne: Damn right!
> Spanky: So how about one more game of Smash Bros. before this fic 
> ends?
All: (sarcastic) Oh, whoopee.

> Vegeta: Good idea.
> Cloud: Yeah, pretty soon Dav's going to be too "busy" to play.
Morgan: (over mike) Yes.  He's going to be finding out that eating Mercury 
can cause brain damage.
Alexis: Ghhhhhh...
Ying: Oh, man! That's a hundred times worse than anything I said!
Morgan: (over mike) God, I love this job.

> Dav: Very funny. Come on, I'll show you guys how it's done. (They 
> head downstairs)
> Red XIII: I'll scorekeep. Cait's circuits are a little messed up 
> after drinking his friend's tequila. (Heads downstairs)
> Cait Sith: Tequila man!
Jim: With Cait's Friend gone, someone had to take up the mantle of Tequila Man.  
That man...was Cait Sith. (sniffles) Fight on, Tequila Man.  For great justice.

> Aeris: Well Amy, all I have to say is "Welcome to our group".
Adol: Check your soul at the door.

> Amy: Thanks, Aeris.
> Aeris: Now you and I can team up against Double D.
> Tifa: Oh no! She's on my side!
> Tifa/Aeris: (Start one of their endless arguments)
Garland: Gee, and here was a convention I thought they'd left out.  More the 
fool me.
Ying: Oh, girlfriends are fun, aren't they?

> Lita: They don't sound too much different than Serena and Raye.
> Mina: No s**t, Sherlock.
> Serena: (Drunk off her @$$) I am Shailor Moon, da' grandmudder o' 
> justish!
> Raye: Whatta weirdo.
> Amy: I guess things won't be too different here after all.
Kirin: Just a lot dumber.

> (Downstairs)
> Dav: Let's see, I'll go with Donkey Kong this round.
> Cloud: Samus for me.
> Vegeta: Time to see if Fox is any good.
Adol, Jim, and Ying: ...in the sack.
(long pause)
Garland: Wow.  Same punctuation even.

> Spanky: Hmm... I guess I'll be Pikachu.
Kirin: I thought he was dead!
Jim: Oh, you can't kill him. Oh, no... MWA HA HA HA!

> Red XIII: Uh oh guys, you heard 'im!
> Dav/Cloud/Vegeta: (Look at each other and nod)
> Spanky: Uh guys... why are you putting it on Team 
> Battle all against me? Guys...?
Garland: (smiling) You see, Spanky, we all die alone and afraid...mwahahahaha!

> The End, at least until the next fic.
All:  God forbid.
 
> Answers to the quiz:
> Jack from Wild ARMs attacked Sailor Jupiter.
Ying: Yeah, and he was in the fic, too. He and Hanpan really stole the show. 

> Ness from Earthbound attacked Sailor Neptune.
> Samus from Metroid attacked Sailor Saturn.
> Crono from Chrono Trigger attacked Sailor Pluto.
Kirin: Thus showing good taste.

> James Bond from Goldeneye attacked Sailor Venus.
Alexis: Are there any reasons these people just outright attacked the 
Sailor Scouts?
Garland: They must have seen the dubs.

> Kirby from the many Kirby games attacked Sailor Mars.
Ying: Kirby is cool, especially with a light saber.

> Reindhart from Castlevania 64 attacked Sailor Uranus.
Adol: Why Reindhart?
Jim: Oh, he would go after Uranus, wouldn't he.
Garland: Look, you still want your other arm intact?
Morgan: (over mike) Story's over.  You are encouraged to make your 
way to the lobby in an orderly fashion for debriefing and a return to your 
respective dimensions as soon as...
(the theater is empty.)
Morgan: (over mike) ...never mind.

[switch to story mode]

"After the debriefing," affable host Roger Mudd said in the epilogue, "all 
six expatriates were sent back to their owners with little or no fuss.  
The Protoss, after a long discussion with Morgan, subcontracted out to 
Morgan Industries as a fanfiction receiver forming the now famous Khala-Morgan 
Fodder Combine which supplies avatar fiction to an unwilling world."  

"Adol Christian and Dark Knight Garland returned to the Mojo just as the PJ 
marathon was winding to an end.  They arrived just in time to prevent fellow 
denizen Dekar's suicide, and repaired damage to Gamma's memory circuits again.  
They were sent home in 2007 after Judicator Aldaris decided the psychotorture 
experiments weren't his thing and quit his Conclave post to become an inker 
for Masashi Tanaka.  The TRK crew found new life in returning to directing 
various RPGs, among them Xenogears 2 and the continuation of the Words Worth 
series."

"Alexis Davenport, Kirin Torak, and fellow colleague Hibichi spent more time 
with Bodger than humanly reasonable until Galactic Revenue Agents caught up 
with the Satellite of Avatars in early 2004.  Bodger received a twenty year 
isolation sentence, including an attempted murder charge on Crow-2 with a 
cricket bat, and the avatars were released on recognizance.  The four went 
their own ways.  Kirin managed to get an art studio in Crystal Tokyo.  
Alexis decided to go into the field of astronavigation and married Garland, 
who was at that time a Tactics SCA Chapter president, in the fall of 2009 with 
Crow-2, who had taken up the clergy, as minister. Hibichi's whereabouts are 
still unknown."

"Tragedy marked the end of the experiment on the 3rd Floor of Normal West High 
School when Whitney Matheson shot and killed Dave Nelson in a wild rampage in 
2011. Jim Carrey eventually was forced to dispose of his bad arm in favor of a 
chain saw, while Ying eventually became a real boy. The constituents were later 
freed and formed the comedy troupe known as 'Dav Cole's Proverb', a tribute to 
the experiment held years earlier. They were later arrested for the murder of 
Chris Vegvary, or, at least, that's all how one version of the story goes..."

"As for Morgan, he's still around.  After losing some assets in the great 
Multiverse Stock Crash, he cashed in his stocks in Khala-Morgan and moved to a 
penthouse apartment in Dream City's Midway sector.  Rumors that he was the one 
responsible for loaning portions of the "Dave and Dyne Saga" have been so far 
unsubstantiated.  Same goes for his hair."    

Roger Mudd smiled, then yawned before continuing.

"And so, the eons-old struggle between Light and Dark had ended and the curtain 
rose on a new age of enlightenment.  And if you believe that, I got a damn 
motorboat I want to sell you as well.  For the History Channel, I'm Roger Mudd.  
Thanks for watching."

[END FEED]

Original Story by: Dyne 
Riffing by: Bodger, Darth Kirby, and R. Jak.
Main Editing by: R. Jak
Refreshments supplied by: R. Jak's mother 

Writing props are as follows: 
Interlude by R. Jak, Darth Kirby, and Bodger.
First Skit ("Super Smash Brothers") By Darth Kirby
Second Skit ("Instant Plot Device") By Bodger 
Ending ("For the History Channel...") By R. Jak

View the homesites!

Bodger (bodgerkirin@hotmail.com)
http://bodger.homestead.com/files/MiSTingwebsite.html

Darth Kirby (georgebobolink@hotmail.com) 
http://www.angelfire.com/ak/captainoftheexplorer/mst4k.html

R. Jak (WYVERN5555@aol.com)
http://members.nbci.com/RipperJak/news.htm

and Dyne (paradised@yahoo.com)
http://members.xoom.com/davcole33

Copyright MultiMiST.  All respected rights reserved.  
All comments were satirical and were not aimed as a personal attack on the 
writer concerned.  And we seriously mean that.  Dyne's serious stories are 
awesome.  You owe it to Dav to read them. 

\\Dav: That's not funny, Jessika!//