
The Mystery Science Theater 3000 concept & related characters are owned and copyrighted by 
Best Brains Inc., whereas the MiSTing avatars are copyright of their respective authors.  
Sailor Moon, DragonBall Z, Final Fantasy, Xenogears, and the other characters who crop up 
are copyright some other random Japanese people.  
This story and respected numerous original characters copyright of Dave Paradise (AKA Dyne).
And Dyne, we heard you have a great sense of humor, so please do not take any of our jibes 
at Dav Cole or any other aspects of your story personally.  Just consider this as C & C.  
With a bite.

TRK in association with MST4k and MAT3k present:
MultiMiST #001: Extreme Crossover Havoc
Co-Misted by Bodger (bodgerkirin@hotmail.com), Darth Kirby (georgebobolink@hotmail.com), and 
R. Jak (WYVERN5555@aol.com)
<br>Featured story: "AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon" by Dyne (paradised@yahoo.com)

Part Una
Beginning transmission...
*****
Ever since the dawn of time, time has awaited heroes of light to lead the meek and to defeat 
the evil dark that opposes them. These destinies are not always life shattering...but some 
can change alliances, time, and the world in whole...

This is, of course, not one of them.

This was, in fact, the attempt of one man, known to the world as CEO Nwabudike Morgan, head 
of the largest capitalist company in the known universe, to drive six detainees from three 
different plains of existence totally insane.  The alliance that formed shaped the dimension 
and brought everlasting...

Okay, it didn't do that either.  It just caused lots more angst and silly situations.  I 
mean, face it.  Six people locked in a small room watching cheesy stuff?  I mean, what's 
that supposed to accomplish?  It just doesn't sound devious, for God's sake.  Sounds like 
the college film club.  Well, I...

[at this point, the management found it necessary to replace the narrator.]

Well, anyway.  Morgan was at his headquarters and came across a nice little fanfiction 
called "AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon" by the fabled Dyne.  And he wanted to share this to the 
world.  But after a while, he couldn't find any friend who'd read it willingly.  He decided, 
therefore, to use it as torture.  

But who, may we ask, would be so worthy of this torture? 


*****

The day started off normally for the residents on the Satellite of Mojo.  They all had got 
up, had a nice breakfast, and were waiting for the call from Judicator Aldaris and Prelate 
Zeratul, their self-appointed torturers.  
Adol and Garland, two of the unlucky residents, were busy fixing the Jitlov Drive on the 
satellite.  After a rather severe meteor shower, there was a considerable amount of debris 
clogged in the gears.  As you can expect, this did not make them all too happy.
"Hey, Garland," Adol reported.  "We got another chipped paralaxil bifurcator down here.  Toss 
down the negatron!"
Garland frowned as he looked down at the toolbox full of exotic Protoss repair equipment.  
"Which one's the negatron?" he managed to say after a few minutes.
"The red thingy," Adol replied.
"Oh, yeah.  The red thingy." Garland handed the nearest red "thingy" to Adol, who got to work 
on one of the little gears next to the engine.   
After a while, Adol held out his hand.  "Lateral file."
Garland just blinked.
"Yellow thingy with black stripes."
"Yes."  Garland handed Adol a yellow 'thingy', which Adol looked at suspiciously.
"The yellow thingy with HORIZONTAL black stripes," he said, with a tinge of frustration.
"I thought that was the bamflier," Garland protested.
"No.  The bamflier is black with yellow stripes.  I can't successfully extract the beryllium 
rods with a bamflier, now can I?"
"You're just making this up as you're going along, aren't you?" 
Adol blinked.  "What?"
"Face it, Adol," Garland said as calmly as he could, "you have as much idea of what you're 
doing as well as I do.  This is a Protoss ship with Protoss tools with names that you can't 
pronounce.  Let's just screw this and get a beer."
"Beer?" Adol yelped.  "Our satellite is broken!  How can you think about beer at a time like 
this?"
"I'm thirsty."
Adol glowered at Garland.  Then he shook his head.
"Aw, what the heck," Adol sighed.  "Let's get a beer."
Then, suddenly, there came a flash of light, and Adol and Garland disappeared.

Ten minutes later, Dekar and Gamma emerged with a plate of food.  "Hey, guys!"  Dekar shouted.  
"We made some burritos!  Come and..." He looked around at the barren room.  "Funny.  They 
were here a minute ago."   
"Who cares?" Gamma replied as he grabbed a burrito.  "More for us."  


*****

On the Satellite of Avatars, Kirin and Hibichi were hard at work on a plot hole which had 
opened up in the hallway between the theater and the bridge-- one of the unfortunate side 
effects of living so close to the fourth wall.
It was about halfway through the job that Alexis entered.  "Dammit Kirin, you missed the 
Mads' call," she groused.
Kirin grunted and slathered on a bit more industrial strength Reality-Repair(tm) onto the 
hole.  "Sorry about that.  We noticed this just as we were leaving the theater and figured 
we'd better patch it up before anything bad happ --"
Kirin and Alexis suddenly disappeared.
Hibichi looked around in confusion.  "Uh, guys?"

*****

Meanwhile, on the 3rd Floor of Normal West High School; Joel, Jim, and Ying were all laughing 
maniacally and playing with a Whitney Matheson voodoo doll. It appears to be soaking wet. 
"Okay," Joel said, trying to contain his laughter.  "What should we do next?"
Ying snickered.   "I know!" he said.  "Make her change the channel from Who Wants to be a 
Millionaire to..." 
"Star Trek: Voyager?" Jim suggested.
"That's a little low, Jim," Joel replied. "Even for us." 
"Yeah," Ying agreed, "and she probably has a crush on Robert Beltran."
Jim shrugged.  "Okay, okay. . . how about Biography?"
"No, too much of a chance it'll be about her idol, Don Knotts."
There was silence.
"I know!" Jim said finally. "Sailor Moon! Being a conservative bitch, I'm sure she'd hate 
it..."
"Not to mention she'd probably run right off to a NOW meeting to cleanse herself of it..." 
Ying thought.
"It's all set then," Joel took out a small blue fuku and started to put it on the doll. 
"Speaking of which," he said, "how come we never get to MiST any Sailor Moon fanfiction?"
"Too popular," Ying replied. "Plus, you'd just drool over the short skirts the whole time."
Whilst discussing this, Angela entered the room angrily. "Hey!" she shouted shrilly. "What are 
you guys doing with my Southern Chicago Barbie doll?"
Jim and Ying stared at Joel. 
"Joel," Jim said scornfully, "did you take this from Angela without permission?"
Joel smiled nervously. "Well, it was beaten up already-"
"That's just because she came with White Trash Ken!" Angela grabbed the Whitney Matheson voodoo 
doll and ran off, but not before she called Joel a rather naughty word.

"Good job, Einstein," Jim said. "Why are you always so mean to her?"
"B-but you're the one who told me to find a friggin' Whitney Matheson doll!" Joel protested.
"This is no time to play the blame game, Joel."  Ying said. "Why don't you just try to be 
nice to her just for today? You never know when me and Ying may go to a better place..."
Almost by coincidence, a there came a bright light, and Jim and Ying were whisked away by a 
higher power.
"You're robots! You don't die!"  Then Joel looked around. "Jim? YING? They're gone!"  He paused.
"Well, don't I look stupid now..."

*****

And so, the abductees were assembled.

Adol Christian and Dark Knight Garland, out of work RPG characters.

Kirin Torak and Alexis Davenport, condemned Self Insertion characters.

Jim and Ying, a cardboard cutout and a sock puppet.

Not especially the BEST combination, but fitting nonetheless.

*****

The abductees regained consciousness inside a small, dark room.  It took a while for them to 
fully adjust to their situation.  Ying was the first to speak.  
"What the hell just happened?" he groaned.
Garland frowned, and looked around the room at the unfamiliar faces and unfamiliar 
surroundings.  It was a standard theater lobby with red carpets, a small unmanned concession 
stand, and a glittering theater entrance.  He looked around again, and stared at one of the 
new arrivals.
"Uh...who are you guys?"
"Who are we?" Alexis replied.  "Who are you?"
"I asked you first." 
There was a long silence.
"Well, this seems to be a very pleasant gathering," Jim commented sarcastically.  
"I got an idea," Ying said finally.  "Let's go around the room and introduce each other."
That is exactly what they did.

"Guess I'll start first," Garland said, sitting down in a chair.  "I'm Dark Knight Garland, 
an out of work bad guy from the original Final Fantasy.  The red-haired guy behind me is Adol 
Christian, a hero from the Ys game world."
"Hi," Adol added, waving to the group.
"Well, the basic gist of the situation was we used to work on a TV show on Shinra Industrial 
Network called "TRK", or the Theater Riffing Kombine with Dekar, a guy from Lufia 2, and 
Gamma, a robot who came from Moebius.  And then, for some reason which we weren't quite clear 
about, these aliens abducted us and put us on this satellite..."
"Where you watch cheesy fanfics?" Kirin completed.
Garland blinked.  "Well, sort of.  We've just been doing some editorials and Final Fantasy 
fanfics so far."
"And we've been asking for quite a while for a Sonic fanfiction," Adol added again.
"Why?" Jim asked.
"It's a whole lot better than listening to Stephen Gohan demanding we abolish 3D gaming," Adol 
got up. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go to the bathroom."  He did so, and Garland motioned 
for Kirin to begin.

"Well, I'm Kirin Torak, and this is Alexis Davenport.  We've been stuck up in a satellite for 
the past few months with our resident SI Bodger, who USED to be the Mad till our evil clones 
showed up.  So it's basically us, a teenage vampire hunter named Hibichi, and a Crow clone 
named Crow 2."
Garland blinked again.  "Uh, isn't SI..."
Alexis waved him quiet.  "Yes, yes, self-insert.  We're really close to the fourth wall between 
the SI continuum and the MST3K fic world."
The others still looked confused.
Kirin and Alexis sighed.  "Forget it."
"Very well," Garland turned to Jim and Ying.  "Your turn."
"Our turn?" sighed Jim, "Where to begin?"

"Duh," Ying smiled, rolling his eyes, "It began December, 2001. Our friend Joel's mad Physics 
teacher trapped us up on the 3rd Floor of his Normal West High School. Joel went in the back, 
built us, and we now sit around making fun of bad fanfics."
Jim added to it, "Mr. Nelson, our Mad, watched MST3k too many times and thought he could break 
Joel's will. Hasn't worked yet."
"Yeah."
"We mostly do Ranma stuff," admitted Jim, "But we do get more than our fair share of Whitney 
Matheson."
"Who?" asked Kirin.
Jim and Ying's collective shudders answered their question.
"Oh, and we also have this thing with The Dominion, Angela, Gypsy getting killed, some guy 
named Adcock, Vincent Shepard who can only talk in clichés, Ying being not being an actual 
robot, and the ever popular slapstick," added Ying.
"A fun time for the whole family," concluded Jim.

After a while, Adol came out of the bathroom with a confused look.  "Something's pretty 
unusual," he said, scratching his auburn hair.  "I've never seen such clean facilities in my 
life.  Where the heck are we?"
"Maybe I can answer that question," a soft, educated voice said somewhat behind them.
As the group turned around, a thin television screen flickered on, showing the face of a 
well-dressed black man with white hair and aquiline features. He looked similar, eerily, to 
Nelson Mandela.
Kirin gulped.  "Who are you?"
"A simple question," the man said, "with a simple answer.  The name is CEO Nwabudike Morgan, 
chairman of Morgan Industries, the richest company in the known universe.  I'm also a 
best-selling author, a shrewd businessman, enlightened despot, and at least for tonight," he 
sneered, "your...torturer."
The group looked at each other, being a bit confused for words.
"I see you'd like to know what purpose I had brought you here."
"To torture us?" asked Kirin.
"I mean besides that."
"It'd better not have something to do with six people being trapped in a theater and the last 
one wins a million bucks..." Adol grumbled.
"Nothing so mundane, man!" shouted Ying, "Since we're all MiSTers, we all appear to be in a 
theater of some sort, and there's no one at the concession stand, I'd say it means..."
"Free food!" shouted Jim, jumping toward the booth.
"No, you dolt. It means that we get to finally see Star Wars: Episode II!"
Garland shook his head, "Be quiet and let the mad man smile evilly and explain his plan!"
"Why should we?" Alexis huffed.
"That's what they do in all the Bond movies..." explained Garland.

"Glad you're interested," Morgan smiled evilly.  "You see, I've been watching each of your 
experiments with great interest over the past aeons.  Think of it.  A group of intrepid 
adventurers braving it out, setting themselves out against fiendish spelling errors, omnipotent 
insertions, and in a few cases, naughty situations.  And after each situation, you become 
harder and stronger."  
Alexis thought about Hibichi.  "That's debatable."
"Since when is sarcasm considered a sign of manliness?" wondered Kirin.
"Okay, maybe you don't take them that seriously.  That's a big reason you're here.  I want to 
subject you to bad fiction."
Adol stepped forward.  "Uh, excuse me, Mr. Nwam...er...Nbaw...Morgan, I don't mean to be rude, 
but do you think you can come to a point please?"
"Silence!" Morgan boomed, shooting a lightning bolt from the screen and hitting Adol straight 
in the chest for no apparent reason. 
"Now," Morgan sighed, "I have devised a rather interesting experiment for all of you.  I hope 
you..." 
"Uh...I think we need to get Adol some medical attention first," Garland said, looking at 
Adol's smoldering body.   "He looks really hurt."  
"SILENCE!" Morgan yelled again, shooting another lightning bolt at Adol, who was rolling on 
the floor in agony. 
"Now, as I was saying, this experiment will test your spirit and give me some satisfaction.  
The..." 
"I'm serious," Garland said emphatically.  "Adol looks kinda hurt." 
"I SAID SILENCE!" Another bolt of lightning hit Adol, setting a section of his hair on fire.  
"Now, the selected piece of..."
"Adol, you okay?" Garland asked Adol, who looked rather stunned. 
"SHUT UP!" Another lightning bolt hit Adol.  "Your fanfiction today is..."
"But Adol's still hurt!"
"I SAID SHUT UP!   SHUT UP!  SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUUUUUUUUP!"  A couple of more lightning bolts hit 
Adol.
"Garland, you speak one more time, I will KILL you!" Adol screamed in pain.
Morgan calmed down.  "Now, any more interruptions?"  There was silence.  "Good.  Now, your 
piece of pain is titled "AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon".  It's long, it's wacky, and it has many 
crossovers, many out of character characters, lots of beer and foul language, and a couple of 
avatars and self-inserted characters that beat up each other for the reason of entertainment." 
"Sounds familiar."  Kirin shrugged.
"I'll give you some f**king bad language," muttered Jim.  He then froze.  "Why'd I just say 
f**k?"
"Forgot to tell you," Morgan said pleasantly.  "I installed a v-chip in the theater.  
Didn't want all the curse words to warp your mind."
"My mind's already warped!" Ying yelled from the back.
"Good," Morgan said, beaming.  "I knew you'd like it.  Enjoy."  The monitor flicked off.

"What a weird and strange young fellow," Garland observed.
"Wait," Adol said, shaking himself off.  "I don't like this SI concept."
"Aw, come on, Adol!  I think we're very lovable, don't you?"  Alexis batted her eyes, making 
Adol blush.
"You know it disturbs me when you do that," Kirin said.
She grinned.  "That's why I do it."
The calm was shattered by a shrieking siren and flashing lights.  This made the group curl 
up on the floor and scream.  Then, suddenly, it stopped.
The monitor came back on.  "I didn't mean to do that," Morgan apologized.  "Just make your 
way to the theater."
"I think my eardrums are shattered..." muttered Alexis.
"Say, you think you could blind us too?  Then we won't have to read this!" asked Kirin.
"Let me think," replied Morgan.  He paused for one whole second.  "No.  Go in please."
And the group went through the open doors to the theater.  

[Converting to script mode]
(the group enter the theater.  They sit down. Order: Kirin, Adol, Jim, Alexis, Garland, Ying.)
Kirin: Well, this totally kills my weekend.
Adol: I hope I don't miss Lodoss War for this...

> AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon
Jim: Didn't Sailor Moon outrun an avalanche in 'Ski Bunny Blues'?
Ying: That's low, Jim.
Jim: What?

> By Dyne
Kirin: (Dyne) The Planet has SPOKEN!
Alexis:  Ill content with merely framing Barret for murder, Dyne turns to fanfiction as his 
method of extracting revenge upon the world.
Adol: The poor, bitter man.

> Final Fantasy VII and Xenogears are copyright Squaresoft Inc.
> All Nintendo characters are copyright Nintendo Inc.
> Sailor Moon is copyright its respected creators.
Garland: Yet this is the last time we'll respect them.
Adol: This entire story is copyright of some Japanese guys. 

> Mystery Science Theatre 3000 is copyright Best Brains Inc.
(silence)
Kirin:  ... Please tell me I misread that.
Alexis:  Poor Mike and the Bots...
Ying: No way! This is shameful...
Garland: I DEMAND my money back!
Adol: We didn't pay.
Garland: Do you think I care?  Give me MONEY!
Morgan [Over Mike]: If you don't stop bitching, I'll put on some Robert Tsunai.  And I'm sure 
no one wants THAT, do they?
Jim: Well...once you consider it...
Morgan [Over Mike]: Enjoy the fic.

> Dragon Ball Z is copyright FUNimation Productions.
Ying: Notice how they take the FUN out of FUNimation.

> All respected characters not aforementioned are copyright their respected 
> creators.
Garland: Yeah, and the rest of you can go to hell.


> In AVALANCHE Hq. Dav, Cloud, Vegeta, and Spanky are duking it out on Super 
> Smash Bros.
Adol: Meanwhile, Tifa and Aeris were in the headquarters cheering them on.
Jim: Ah, nothing starts out a nice fanfiction than some good old fighting on the...Spanky?

> Cloud: (Playing as Link) Eat boomerang you moronic cream puff!
> Dav: (Playing as Kirby) I don't think so! (Grabs Link and slams him out) 
> Hahahahahahaha! Link's gay!
Ying: (Link) No I'm not! I'm just experimenting!
Garland: Let me guess.  Dav's the author, right?
Kirin: Thought it was Dyne.
Garland: But Dav's the name he uses.
(pause)
Jim: Well, he IS winning.

> Cloud: Dammit!
> Spanky: (Playing as Mario) I've got a proximity mine and know how to use it!
> Vegeta: (As Captain Falcon) Big deal, eat this! (Blasts his @$$ off with a ray 
> gun)
> Spanky: Mama mia!
Adol: Uh...does this sound like realistic game banter to you?
Garland: No.
Alexis: They haven't used major expletives yet.

> Dav: Game over! Should we whip these idiots' @$$es again Vegeta?
> Vegeta: F**k yeah!
Jim: Oh, I remember this episode of Dragon Ball Z now.

> Cait Sith: That's 2 for Vegeta/Dav, 0 for Cloud/Spanky.
Kirin:  And negative 50 for the audience.
Adol: Spanky?  It's a Little Rascals crossover now?
Garland: If Froggy shows up, I'm leaving.  

> (Upstairs)
> Tifa: Since when did Dav invite Spanky to live here?
> Aeris: Then again, since when did Dav live here?
> Dyne: Since I started this fic!
(there is a crash in the back of the theater)
Garland: Well, there goes a part of the fourth wall...
Kirin:  You get used to living without it.
Jim: Will the hilarity ever start?

> Tifa/Aeris: Oh...
> Red XIII: Excuse me Tifa, you left the bar unguarded again.
> Cait's Friend: Tequila man! (Goes on a drinking rampage and breaks some
> bottles)
Alexis: Tequila Man!  He stands for truth, justice, and drunken rampages!
Adol: Call me crazy for having a hunch, but I have a feeling that this guy is going to be 
the most mature character in this whole story.

> Tifa: S**t not again!!! (Runs in to stop Cait's Friend)
> Aeris: Good one Double D.
> Tifa: Shut up Ancient b***h!!! 
Ying: B***h?  Now what do you suppose that is?
Kirin:  Bunch.
Ying: Oh, okay.  Weird.

> Cid was the one on guard duty! What happened to him?
> Red XIII: Does Cid sleeping answer your question?
Alexis: (Tifa) Well no, not really.  Oh wait, it does.

> Cid (Snoring his head off and dreaming) Damn! Daisy Duke's hot!
> Barret: Shows how unreliable that f**kin' redneck is.
> Cid: (Gets up instantly) I heard that you goddamn monkey! 
(All makes monkey sounds.)
Garland: (Howard Cosell) Look at that little monkey run!

> (and shoves his spear up Barret's @$$)
[All wince]
Kirin:  Well, um, that's ONE way to clean out the old bowels...

> Barret: Ah s**t! Not again! My @$$! My f**kin' @$$!
Ying: You know, one of these days some poor mortician's gonna see those wounds and wonder 
exactly what kind of sex life Barret led.
Alexis: Watch it...
Kirin: I'd listen to her.  She hits hard.

> Cid: Guess who's also been training under Vegeta?! (Flicks Barret off)
Adol: I see he knows Vegeta's special attack.

> Barret: Sh't!!!
> Tifa: Cid you just cost me 5000 gil for the drinks!
> Cid: Hey this isn't the first time that motherf**ker's drunk your 
> booze!
Garland: (Cid) Remember when Joe Don Baker came over?  

> Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
Jim: (Cid) D'oh!  You blew my secret identity, ya jerk!

> Reno (Walks in): Yeah I hear you buddy!
> Cait's Friend/Reno: Tequila man!
Adol: Booze.  It makes everyone your friend.
Ying: Well, I guess walking into this place is slightly more effective than setting it 
on fire and blaming the occupants, like she usually does...
Garland: Or having a Plate fall on it.

> Aeris: (Kicks Reno out of the bar) Since when are Reno and Cait's 
> Friend best buddies?
Jim: Since that demented episode of Ally McBeal, why?
Kirin: Let's ask another question.  Who's Cait's friend?

> Red XIII: You shouldn't have said that.
> Dyne: Because I said so!
> Aeris/Tifa/Red: D'oh...
> Cid/Barret: ...Poopy!
Ying: Yes, the hilarity never stops when Dyne makes himself God.
Adol: This is gonna be a recurring theme, isn't it?
Garland: (Dyne) Yes, kos I SAID SO!

> (Back downstairs)
> Cloud: (Now as Yoshi) Die you Saiyin pussy! (Turns Falcon into an egg 
> and farts him off the edge)
Jim: EXTREEEEEEEME gas problems!

> Vegeta: As always you forget something.
> Cloud: What?!
Ying: Your pants!
(rimshot)
Alexis: The heck?
Garland: Glad I brought the ol' synthesizer along.

> Dav: THIS!!! (Throws a bob-omb and blows Yoshi's egg-sucking @$$ away)
Adol: You know, most people suck eggs with their mouths.  (pause) When they do, that is.
Jim: Maybe @$$ is symbol language for 'mouth'.
Adol: I doubt it.

> Cloud: AH! S**T! NOT AGAIN!
Kirin: Is it like a prerequisite to swear like that in these fics?

> Vegeta: You know what they say, "The defeat of a Saiyin warrior only makes the
> Saiyin stronger!"
> Cloud: Now who are "they"?
Garland: (Vegeta) Oh, just some nutcases in Detroit -- d'oh!

> Spanky: You said that in the last fic.
Adol: There's another one?
Alexis: Will someone PLEASE let us in on the jokes please?

> Dav: Big deal! (Whacks Mario with a bat)
Kirin:  ...splattering brains all over the...
Jim: Please stop.  *urk*
Garland: I can see veiled anti-Italian sentiment here.

> Mario: (Goes flying off the screen)
> Dav: Ha! We win again!
> Cait Sith: The score is 3:0.
Ying: Fanfic three, audience zero.

> Spanky: I think we'd better give up.
> Cloud: Hell no! We're gonna defeat them yet!
> (Suddenly the TV goes crazy)
Kirin:  And kills them all, the end.

> Vegeta: What...
> Cait Sith: the...
> Dav: bloody...
Garland: bloody...
Adol: bloody...
All: BLOODY...

> Cloud: hell?!
> TV: We interrupt this program to bring you this special report.
Alexis: (TV) Saliva has been found to be fatal if swallowed in small amounts over a long 
period of time.

> Spanky: It must be really important to interrupt a video game.
Garland: (TV) No, we just wanted to remind you how great "Survivor" is.
Kirin: (Spanky) Aw dammit!

> Cait Sith: No s**t Sherlock!
> TV: Saffron city is under attack by a completely unknown source!
> Dav: Saffron?!
Adol: Parsley?!
Kirin: Sage?!
Ying: Rosemary?!
Alexis: Thyme?!
Jim: Chief?!
All: MCCLOUD!

> Cloud: That's the Pokémon city!
> Vegeta: Do we care?
> Dav/Cloud/Cait: No.
> Vegeta: Fine then.
Kirin: There.  Problem solved, end of fic.
Adol: (Vegeta) Back to the unintelligible game trash talk.

> TV: Okay now it seems that the attacker is a giant winged hell demon.
Alexis: (TV) And now it seems like he's picking up some people, but we couldn't be too 
sure of that.  Ooh, ooh, and it seems like he's breathing FIRE!

> Cait Sith: That's Vincent!!!
> Cloud: No s**t Sherlock!
Adol: (Spanky) I thought *I* was Sherlock!
Alexis: (Cloud) Shut up.
Ying: (Sherlock) Yes Watson. S**t! The matter from this feces is exactly like the matter we 
found on the purloined letter. 

> Vegeta: Should we help him or stop him?
Jim: Help him stop this fic!  Please!
Ying: Killing thousands of innocent Pokémon isn't my thing, but, hey, it's a free country.

> Dav: I suggest we do both.
> Spanky: I'll stay here and watch the fort.
> Cloud: Alright everyone, let's mosey.
> Cait/Dav/Vegeta: Damn! Again?! Stop saying it like such a wimp!
Alexis:  (C.S.) Say it with feeling.  "Let's mo-zay."  Come on, try it!
Garland: (Cloud) Okay.  "Let's mo-ZAY" or I'll break your heads.

> Cloud: I get the idea already!!!!!!
> Dav: Crap, and this is only the first part of the fic.
[CRASH!]
All: D'OH!

> (Cloud, Cait Sith, Vegeta, and Dav go upstairs)
> Cloud: (Sees Cid mopping up the spilled tequila) I see Cait's Friend got to 
> the drinks again Tifa.
> Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
Jim: Cait's Friend is proudly sponsored by Tequila makers of America. Buy Tequila wherever 
it is sold. Tequila, man!

> Tifa: (Holding a 2X4 and is positioned to attack in case Cid started slacking)
> Yeah and this time it was Cid's fault!
> Cid: $%^#%&@#%&@#$%76@#%&@$%&@$%&@%&!!!!!!!!
Kirin: (Tifa) Stop pressing all those random keys at once, Cid! You'll break the computer!

> Vegeta: Anyway the TV just said that Vincent's attacking a city, so we're 
> going to help him then stop him.
Adol:  Because, you know, it's good to make a nice solid stand.
Jim: (sarcastic) Such kind superheroes. Maybe later they can poison all the animals in the zoo.

> Barret: Help him! You f**kin' crazy foo'!
> Cait Sith: He's attacking the Pokémon city.
> Cid: What the hell are we waiting for!? (Runs out and readies the Highwind)
Adol: Don't you love the sense of camaraderie when wanton and gratuitous violence is involved?

> Aeris: It's amazing how quickly he got it out of the quicksand.
> Tifa: Who's going to clean up the mess?!
> Dyne: No problem!
> (Steel and Steve enter)
Alexis: Yup!  Add MORE self-inserts!  Works like a charm!
Jim: Steel? Great. That's just what we need. Shaquille O'Neal and Steve Guttenburg. 
Garland: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
Jim: What?
Adol: You fool!  Don't mention Steve Guttenburg in his presence.  It frightens him.

> Steel: I am a sexual Care Bear. (Author's note: He actually said that in 
> school!)
Ying: Still doesn't beat standing on the top of your chair and shouting 'I am a Warrior 
Princess!'
Adol: I dunno...
Jim: When you're a guy.
Kirin: Well, then, that's just weird.
Garland: Anyway, I thought Care Bears were gay.
Adol: No, the Get-Along Gang was gay.  Care Bears were more butch...
Alexis: Will you stop talking about fictional characters' sex lives?
Adol: Sorry. 

> Red XIII: Uh yeah... that's nice...
> Steve: Yeah! Babes!
> Tifa/Aeris: Oh f**k!!!
> Steve: Baaaaaaabes! (Starts chasing Tifa and Aeris around)
Kirin: It's the Benny Hill plot device.

> Dav: (Trips Steve) Get busy and I might let you see some pictures of Lara 
> Croft I found on the Net. (Hands him the mop)
> Steve: Babes! (Starts mopping)
Jim: Ew...what's he mopping up?
Garland: The spilled beer.
Jim: Oh. OH. Oops. Sorry.
(Alexis hits Jim.)
Jim: OW!
Alexis: I'm doing that out of principle.

> Tifa: Got a one-track mind, just like Cait's Friend.
Ying: (Tifa) Sadly, that track seems to be Barbara Streisand.
(rimshot)

> Cait's Friend: Tequila man.
> Steve: Babes.
> Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
> Steve: Babes!
> Cait's Friend: TEQUILA MAN!!!
> Steve: BABES!!!
Kirin (Man from Bud commercials) I know!  Let's have both!  
[He mimes hitting television with beer can.  The screen goes snowy temporarily, then fades 
back in on the same screen, but empty.  The song, "Tequila" is playing.  Then when it reaches 
the word "tequila"...]
Babes:  (rushing in) Tequila!
[The screen returns to normal.]
Adol: Never do that again.
Ying: Still, this is the most interesting dialogue so far.
Jim: Agreed.

> Steel: I'd better supervise this strange argument.
> Barret: You do that foo'.
> Cloud: Alright everyone, let's mosey.
> Red XIII: You never learn your lesson.
Garland: NEVER say mosey in a northern town.

> Cait/Barret/Dav/Vegeta/Steel: Damn! Again?! Stop saying it like such a wimp! 
> Can't you say "move out!" or something!?
> Cloud: Go to hell! All of you!
Alexis: Yep, I have to admit that's an improvement.

> (AVALANCHE takes off in the Highwind while Steel, Steve, Cait's Friend, and 
> Spanky stay in the Hq. 
Garland: (Cloud) You can't come kos you have a stupid name.
Ying: (Spanky) WAAAAAAAAAAH!

> We'll come back to them later)
Kirin:  Oh, don't do it on OUR behalf...
Adol: (Dyne) We're gonna come back kos I'M THE DAMN AUTHOR!

> (On the Highwind)
> Vegeta: Hey Aeris, you bored?
> Aeris: Yeah...
Jim: (Vegeta) Great! I found this board game in the park next to a statue. 'Jumanji' or 
something...

> Vegeta: Then I can think of something for you to do.
> Aeris: Hell yeah! (Runs into their bedroom with Vegeta)
Ying: They're off for a game of competitive parcheesi.
Garland: Actually, I think they're...
Alexis:  Are you sure you really want to say that?  Think carefully about your response.
Garland: Well, you have to tell the truth sometimes.  Be fair...

> Cloud: I'm bored.
> Tifa: What're you waiting for?! (Grabs Cloud and they run into their bedroom)
Jim: Shouldn't they wait to do that until their impending doom or something?

> Dav: Yes! (Calls to Barret, Cid, Red, and Cait) Hey guys, come over here!
All: (Barret, Cid, Red, and Cait) We aren't going to bed with you, ya pervert!

> Barret: Watchoo want foo'!
> Dav: I bugged their rooms, listen to this. 
Ying: (Dav) Yeah, I bugged them.  Their rooms are so annoyed with me now!
Adol: Uh...does Cid know about this?
Kirin: What, the bugs?
Adol: No, the rooms.  They don't have any bedrooms on the Highwind.

> (Walks over to a section of the bridge and turns his system on)
Jim: In more ways than one, heh heh...
*WHACK* 
Jim: OW!
Kirin:  Warned you.

> Vegeta: The local train arrives on the hour.
> Aeris: In France the truffles are many.
> Dav/Barret/Cid/Red/Cait: HUH?!!
Garland: They must be translating Phantasy Star in there.

> Vegeta: Coffee can make one hyper.
> Aeris: Geometry would be easier if there are good teachers.
> Dav: They're on to us!
> Aeris: Over and out...
> Dav: I'll switch to the other room. (Flips another switch)
Ying: (Tifa) Qualitatively, the incidence of felonious activities only substantiates the 
current theory of suburban revolt of the inner cities.
Adol: (Dav) D'oh!

> Tifa: Ohhhhh Cloud... ohhhh... (Makes pleasurable noises)
Kirin: Pleasurable noises?
Jim: Like David Duchovny getting hacked to death with a chainsaw?
Garland: "David Duchovny getting hacked to death with a chainsaw" is not what I'd consider 
"pleasurable".
Alexis: I dunno.  Say if it was Emo Phillips or Steve...
Garland: Don't say the G-word.

> Cloud: Harder baby! HARDER!!!
> Barret/Cid: Hell yeah!
Kirin:  Final Fantasy VII script-fic cliche number 45: Tifa and Cloud are ALWAYS having sex.

> Crewman: Captain, we're receiving a transmission. I'll play it in the 
> conference room.
> Cid: Wait a damn minute will ya?!
Ying: (Crewman) Sir, I'm sure they'll still be getting it on when you get back.
Adol: Cid must not be getting any from Shera.  
*WHACK!*  
Adol: OW!
Jim: Geez, lady, loosen up!

> Cait Sith: I think we've had enough, my circuits are overloading from 
> excitement.
> Dav: (Shuts it off) Let's go!
> (Cid, Barret, Red XIII, Cait Sith, and Dav head for the conference room to 
> receive the transmission while Aeris/Vegeta and Cloud/Tifa continue "having 
> fun")
> Cid: Okay you f**king jokers, lemme see what ya got!
Jim: (Crewman) Pair of eights, sir.
Garland: (Cid) Ha!  Have a flush!
Jim: (Crewman) Nuts.

> Crewman: Yes sir! (Opens the channel and Mike Nelson from Mystery Science 
> Theatre 3000 appears)
Alexis: That's the Sci-Fi Channel, you moron!

> Dav: Mike?! Why are you contacting us?!
Jim: (Mike) Actually we were trying to dial out for pizza.  Must've dialed a wrong number.

> Mike: Well Dr. Forrester suddenly disappeared and I'm still stuck on the 
> Satellite of Love. But now someone else took over and now we're forced to read
> bad fanfics!
All: JOIN THE FRIGGIN' CLUB!

> Barret: Damn! That's evil.
> Cid: That's my line!
Adol: (Barret) Don' make me put my foot up yo' @$$.
Kirin: What's an @$$?
Garland: Shut up.

> Red XIII: Don't get started guys. Everyone's always stealing everyone else's 
> lines these days.
> Dav: No s**t Sherlock.
> Red XIII: Hey, you stole that line from me!
> Dav: Well you stole it from Cait in the first place!
> Cait Sith: No s**t Sherlock!
Ying: (flatly) I've lost all respect for that phrase.

> Cid: Back to the subject at hand.
> Mike: Thank you.
Kirin: (Cid) Panties, right?
Adol: (Mike) Erm...no.
Kirin: (Cid): Not interested then. *click*.

> Cait Sith: Do you know who this new... uh d**kweed is?
> Mike: Yeah! Her name is- (Transmission shorts out)
Alexis: Yeah!  Her name is what?  Her name is who?  Her name's (chicka chicka) Slim Shady! 
Ying: Wow, what great timing on that.
 
> Barret/Cid/Red/Cait/Dav: Her?!
> Barret: Seems instead of a foo', we got a b***h.
Garland: That's impossible!  Bitches write good stories!
Alexis: Er-HEM!
Garland: Sorry.  Forgot you were a bi-I mean, lady.

> Cid/Red/Dav/Cait: No s**t Sherlock!
> Barret: We still in the first half of the fic an already that line is  
> overused!
[CRASH!]
Adol: You know a fic is in trouble when it begins to MiST itself.
Morgan: (over mike) You know a fic's in trouble if you have to do reconstructive maintenance 
an eighth of the way through.  Janitor, get the spackle!

> Dav: Anyway we've got to figure out who's trying to take over the world with 
> bad fanfics.
Garland: David Gonterman!
Adol: I happen to like him, Garland...
Garland: Okay, Vince McMahon.
Kirin:  Lessee, where to start?  Dark Kirin, Dr. Forrester USENET edition, Mr. Nelson, 
Judicator Aldaris...
Jim: How do you know about our Mads?
[Kirin merely smiles.]

> Red XIII: Waittaminute, the screen!
Alexis:  (Red XIII) It's coming right for us!  *BLAM!*

> TV: (Stops showing static and a girl appears)
> Cid: Who the f**k are you?!
> Girl: I am Sailor Moon! Champion of Justice!
Jim: (Cid) Dav! Did you change this to Toonami?
Adol: (Dav) C'mon!  I saw that MST episode last week!

> Dav: Then why do you have meatballs in your hair?
Ying: I thought they looked like dumplings.     
Garland: Because she is the tomato sauce on the spaghetti of evil!

> Cait Sith: Ha! Good one Dav!
> Sailor Moon: I am here to give you this warning. Do not interfere with my 
> leader's plan to conquer the world! (Ends communication)
Adol: ...WHAT?!
Jim: Calm down...
Kirin: Not interfering in her plan to conquer the world? Well, since she asked nicely...

> Red XIII: We've got a problem here!
> Cait Sith: No s**t Sherlock!
Alexis:  Yep.  We've got antific, ladies and gentlemen.
All: Yay.

> (On the Satellite of Love)
Jim: Where everybody knows your name and credit card number.
(general groans)

> Mike: Damn! I didn't get to warn 'em about who they're dealing with!
> Tom Servo: Don't worry about it Mike, at least we managed to get through to 
> 'em.
Kirin: Which, considering the thickness of the characters' skulls in this fic, is a major 
accomplishment.

> Crow: Yeah, and since this new maniac is a lot dumber than Forrester it's only
> a matter of time.
> Mike: Are you guys sure you don't want me to fly this thing again?
> Servo/Crow: Hell no!
> Mike: Oh come on! All I did last time was break the Hubbell!
All:  o/~  Mike broke the Hubbell, Mike broke the Hubbell! o/~

> (Back on the Highwind)
Jim: Where nobody wants to know your name.

> Learner Pilot (Lvl. 12): Sir we've reached-
> Cid: If you say Midgar my spear goes right up your @$$!
Ying: This guy has an unhealthy obsession with spears up people's asses.
Kirin: That's @$$es.
Garland: Wait, is THAT what @$$es are?  I'm disappointed.

> Pilot: Saffron City!
> Cid: Hot damn! Hey monkey man! Get the others out onto the deck!
> Barret: I pity da foo' who calls me a monkey man!
Adol: Monkey man?  But they left Spanky back home!
Alexis: (Barret) I pity da foo' who relies on ethnic stereotypes to distinguish between 
characters.  I PITY DA FOO'!

> Cait Sith: Come on Barret! (Pushes him out)
Ying: (Barret) YAA-HOO HOO HOOOIE!!!!
Jim: (Cait Sith) Memo to self. Put chute on person FIRST before pushing out.  

> Red XIII: Dav quick! Turn on the system!
> Dav: (Turns it on)
> Cait Sith: (Knocks on Cloud/Tifa's door) Get out here you two!
> Tifa: Ow! Hey! What are you doing?!
> Cloud: Sorry. You've got my shoulder guard on!
> Tifa: You're wearing my skirt!
Garland: (Cloud) My GOD!  I'm wearing your implants too!
Adol: (sarcastic) Thank you for that mental image, Garland.
Garland: Glad I could help.

> Red XIII: Uh... shut it off.
> Dav: Good idea. (Turns it off)
Jim: Oh great.  Now the plot's gonna stop now.

> (Five minutes later everyone is outside the Highwind)
Kirin:  And falling quickly.

> Vegeta: Damn! Vincent's already done a bunch of damage.
Ying: (Vegeta) Why didn't he save US any?!

> Cloud: Be careful, there could be Pokémon anywhaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!! (Gets 
> zapped by a lightning bolt)
Alexis: (Lancelot) No, no.  It's "AAAAAUGH" from the back of the throat.

> Pikachu: Pikachu!
> Tifa: Oh f**k!!! It's Pikachu!
> Barret: Not for long! (Blow's Pikachu's @$$ away)
> Pikachu: Piiiiiiiikaaaaaaaaachuuuuuuuuu!!! (Dies)
Garland: There's nothing more dangerous than a wounded Pikachu.
Kirin:  You know, Hibichi would love this fic.
Ying: Not fond of Pokemon?
Alexis:  He's got mental scars from a Pokemon lemon he read on accident.
Ying: Eeek.
Kirin:  Exactly.

> Vegeta: Well that was easy.
> Aeris: Wait, here comes another one!
> Red XIII: Holy crap! It's flying by farting! 
(for some reason, Adol bursts into laughter.  Garland stares at him.)

> (Thinks) Now that's my kind of transport.
> Jigglypuff: Jigglypuff!
> Dav: I'll handle this one. (Punches Jigglypuff and his fist gets stuck) OH 
> F**K! It's sucking me in!
Adol: Note the sexual innuendo.
Garland: You can shut up.
Ying: Jigglypuff IS Kirby... but we could've told you that.

> Cait Sith: Didn't you use that line in Celebrity Deathmatch 3!
> Dav: How would anyone know?! No one's read Celebrity Deathmatch 3 yet!
> Cid: He's right.
[CRASH!]
Kirin: I ain't cleaning that up.

> Dav: (Sees a shard of glass next to his foot) Here we go! (Picks it up with 
> his free hand and jabs Jigglypuff)
> Jigglypuff: (Pops)
Jim: Why, thank you, Jigglypuff, I would like a pop!
Alexis:  Jigglypuff Pops!  Now THERE'S something they haven't merchandised yet.
Kirin:  Don't give them any ideas.

> Dav: That takes care of her!
> Barret: That was coo' foo'.
> Cloud: We'd better find Vincent.
(pause.  Then Adol snaps his fingers.)
Adol: Oh YEAH!  Vincent is supposed to be here.
All: Oh.

> (In another part of the city)
> Vincent: I am CHAOS! I am your worst nightmare!
Garland: (Vince) I am retainer to the King of Doma!

> A bunch of Pokémon: (Rush in)
Ying: Ah, Pokemon rush in where fools fear to tread.

> Vincent: Don't make me laugh! SATAN SLAM! (Instantly kills the Pokémon) I will
> destroy this gay city! Mwahahahahahahaha!!!!!
Alexis: Wot ho!  Wot a gay city!  Isn't it grand, ol' chum?
Kirin: Oh, it's just ducky!

> Cloud: Hey Vince!
> Vincent: Huh? Oh it's you. (Reverts back into a human) You missed most of the
> party.
> Cait Sith: Yeah, we noticed.
Adol: (C.S.) Any punch left?

> Dav: And we took care of the two worst for you.
> Vegeta: I thought you were working on destroying Hyrule?
> Aeris: Did you finish already?
> Vincent: That dips**t Link kicked me out of there before I could inflict any
> serious damage!
Alexis: (Vincent) Damn that man for protecting his kingdom!
Jim: (Vincent) Damn noble people trying to be nice and help out everyone else! It makes 
me sick!

> Cid: Whatever happened to that fairy boy anyway?
Ying: (Vincent) He flittered off into the night.  Last I heard, he was collecting teeth.

> (To answer Cid's question)
> (In Zora's Domain)
> Ruto: (Chasing Link) Come here! I'm going to catch you and then you'll marry 
> me!
Garland: Goodness. Link seems to be turning into Ranma. 

> Link: Damn! Not even the Triforce of Courage could prepare me for this! Zelda
> where are you?!
> (In Zora's Fountain)
Kirin: What is it, Narrator?  Zelda fell down the well?

> Zelda (Wrapped in chains on Lord Jabu-Jabu's altar): Does this answer your 
> question?!
Adol: Was the question something like "Who wants to see a bondage scene"?

> Jabu-Jabu: (Surfaces) Ah! Lunch! The Zoras are doing well! (Inhales Zelda)
> Zelda: I regret nothing! (Gets eaten alive)
Jim: Well. Not exactly the way Miyamoto intended the franchise to go, but a satisfying 
ending nonetheless. 

> (Back to AVALANCHE)
Alexis: (rolls eyes) If you INSIST!

>  Barret: Anyway foo', what da hell were you doin' for the past two weeks?
> Vincent: After Link managed to kick me out of Hyrule...
> (Vincent tells the story of how he ended up in Saffron City.)
Kirin: It was a long one, involving two bananas, a calculator, and a six-pack of beer.

> (Meanwhile)
Jim: (Elsewhere)
Kirin: (Concurrently)
Adol: (Simultaneously) 
Alexis: (At that moment)
Ying: (In the meantime)
Garland: (In yet ANOTHER plot arc)

> Serena: You wished to see me oh great leader?
> Leader: (Sitting in a chair with its back turned to Serena) Yes, I want you to
> go to Saffron and destroy the AVALANCHE team.
Ying: (Mistress) And remember, destroyed does NOT mean tickle!

> Serena: But Mistress, your orders were to only prevent then if they hindered 
> your plans to conquer the world.
> Leader: No "buts" Serena! 
Alexis: (Serena) But...
Jim: (Leader) NO!

> Take the girls and go! Stopping them now will prevent them anyway and I'll 
> also have my revenge!
Adol: (Leader) I'll also have fries! And a milkshake! And I'll SUPER SIZE IT! 
Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha!

> Serena: Yes Mistress... (Walks out)
> Leader: Soon they will all pay... And once I have discovered the correct 
> experiment then I will rule the world! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...
> (Breathes)hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!
Garland: (bitterly) It's not THAT funny.

> (In the next room)
> Serena: Come on girls, we've got a mission to fulfill for the mistress.
Ying: There's a million things I could do with that line, but I'd better not for the sake of 
what little chance of a G rating we have left.
Kirin:  Not to mention our aspirin supply.

> Amy: Oh come on! I'm in the middle of a really good chapter!
> Mina: Yeah, Lita and I were discussing who's cuter. Brad Pitt or Leonardo 
> DiCaprio.
Garland: (Valley girl) That is, like, soooooo 1997, girl.  Practically pre-cambrian!

> Author's Note: Dirty b***h!!!
Alexis:  Well if it's a dirty bunch, then just wash them off in the sink!
Kirin:  Yes yes, we've used that joke before...
Jim: Yeah, like you couldn't have edited that out.  

> Lita: Did you hear something?
> Raye: No.
> Serena: Will you get off your lazy @$$es and come with me?!
> Girls: Fine...
> Serena: Good. MOON PRISM POWER!!!
> Amy: MERCURY STAR POWER!!!
Garland: CADILLAC NORTH STAR POWER!!!
Kirin:  ELF ANNOYANCE POWER!!!
Adol: SELSUN STAR POWER!!!
Alexis:  EX-SUPERHEROINE SONG-RIFF POWER!!!

> (And so on... each girl goes through a two-hour transformation and turns into
> their designated Scout)
Ying: Say, he's figured this transformation thing out.

> Sailor Moon: Ready?
> Scouts: Yes.
> Sailor Moon: Then let's go!
> Scouts: Damn! Again? Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say "move out"
> or something?!
Adol: (Sailor Moon) You want me to say "Let's mosey?"  IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!?

> Sailor Moon: All of you have been reading too many fanfics by Dyne and Dave!
> Dyne: Damn right!
Kirin: Blatant plug alert!
[CRASH!]
Ying: See? I told you they were really pitiful superheroes...

> Sailor Moon: Now come on! (They fly out)
> Sailor Mars: Hey! Let's sing on the way there.
> Sailor Jupiter: How about you shove it?!
> Sailor Mars: Fine, the song is for later anyway.
Alexis:  Why would they be so desperate to sing 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat?'

> (The Sailor Scouts fly on to Saffron City where AVALANCHE is still talking)
Garland: (Vincent) And then my underwear exploded, decimating the remaining Zentradi forces.

> Cloud: So you started in Hyrule, attacked the Mushroom Kingdom, then you 
> destroyed the Great Fox and finished up here?
> Vincent: Yep.
Jim: (Cloud) Was that before or after you killed the Taco Bell dog?

> Tifa: Wow good job.
Alexis:  (Tifa) Way to destroy the entire Nintendo video game library!  We're supposed to be 
the heroes, but we congratulate you on your random carnage!
Ying:  (Looking around) Was there a Sony Seal of Approval on this fic or did I miss it?

> Cait Sith: It took you two hours to figure it all out Cloud. That's a record.
> Cloud: Shut up!
> Vincent: You should've heard Mario and Luigi scream for their lives with those
> stupid @$$ Italian accents.
Adol: (Vincent) Remember, kids, if someone is different looking or sounding, then they should 
die! Thank you!

> Cait Sith: Uh oh... Guys! I'm picking up something headed this way, FAST!
Kirin:  Something STUPID this way comes.
Garland: It's flying by farting too!

> Cid: The hell is this?
> Red XIII: Since when did you have built-in radar?
Jim: (Dyne) He just DOES, okay?

> Cait Sith: I always did, you just never asked.
All: Wah-wah-wah-WAAAAAAAAAH...
Ying: He must have a built in plot device, too.

> Sailor Moon: There they are! Down there!
> Dav: Don't look now guys, it's meatball head!
Kirin and Alexis: That's ODANGO HEAD!

> Sailor Moon: I am Sailor Moon! The Champion of Justice!
> Cid/Barret/Cait/Dav/Red: (Sounding bored) You told us already!
> Sailor Moon: I know. I was telling them. (Points to Cloud, Tifa, Vegeta, and 
> Aeris)
Garland:  So Sailor Moon's anal retentive, then.

> Sailor Venus: Um... Sailor Moon? Can we do our lines now?
> Sailor Moon (Sounding pissed): Fine. Go ahead.
> Sailor Venus: By the power of Venus! I am Sailor Venus!
> Sailor Mars: In the name of Mars! I am Sailor Mars!
> Sailor Jupiter: Through the strength of Jupiter! I am 
Adol: Telly Savalas.

> Sailor Jupiter!
Adol: Well darn.

> Sailor Mercury: Guided by the wisdom of Mercury! I am Sailor Mercury!
> Dav: And pretty damn hot too!
> AVALANCHE: DAV!!!
Alexis: Of all the ones he could have chosen, he picks Mercury?  [pause]  That's actually... 
kind of in good taste.
Kirin: You're just saying that because she's the smart one.
Alexis: Your point being?

> Dav: Sorry...
> Sailor Mercury: (Thinking) He's not so bad either.
Ying [Sailor Mercury]: I feel this undeniable strong attraction to him-oh, God, I'm in a 
fanfic, aren't I?

> Cloud: Ha! While they were doing those crappy lines they didn't even notice we
> got all of our weapons out!
All [AVALANCHE]: HUZZAH!

> Sailor Scouts: We are the Sailor Scouts! The true Champions of Justice!
> Dav: Well I'm the champion of my JUSTICE-SLASH!!! (Hits Sailor Moon with it)
Adol: Snappy comeback.

> Sailor Moon: (Somehow surviving) Um...ow. Attack! (The scouts split up)
Kirin: (darkly) Literally.  BWA HA HA HA!
Garland: (Sailor Moon) Nonononono!  ATTACK!

> Dav: (Completely shocked) She survived?! But how?!!!!!!
> Cait Sith: Uh... Vegeta? Do you have your scouters with you?
Ying: (Vegeta) Yep! I've got two first class, three tenderfoot, and a star.
Jim: (Cait Sith) SCOUTERS, you nimrod!
Ying: (Vegeta) I never use Scouters on a first date.

> Vegeta: Yeah. (Puts 'em on) Holy s**t! These school girls have power levels of
> 5000!
Adol: Daaaaaaaang.  Schoolgirls are getting more powerful every year.

> Barret: Who cares?! We gonna kick @$$ like we always do! (Opens fire)
> Sailor Mercury: MERCURY ICE BUBBLES BLAST!!! (Freezes Barret)
Garland: (Don Ho) Tiny bubbles...in the wine!
Alexis: Hey!  This champagne's not Korbel!
(pause)
Garland: (Don Ho) Great big bubbles.  Big artificial, disgusting bubbles.

> Barret: Sh't!
> Sailor Moon: (Recovered) Now to finish him! (Starts waving her Moon Wand)
Adol: NOT THE WAND!  NOT THE WAND!
Kirin: (Sailor Moon) Poof!  Now you're a real boy!

> Cid: I don't think so b***h! (Steals the wand and shoves his cigarette up 
> Sailor Moon's 
All: NO!

> nose)
Garland: Oh.  That's okay.
Ying: NO IT ISN'T!

> Sailor Moon: Ow! Crap! (Tries to get the cigarette out)
Kirin: Unfortunately it burned its way into her skull and killed her.  The end.
Alexis: That's just wrong, Kirin.

> Cid: (Throws the wand and hits Sailor Moon again)
> Sailor Moon: (Falls into unconsciousness)
Garland: Opposed to what?
Adol: Cottage cheese for one.  I hate that stuff.

> Tifa: Eat this b***h! (Uppercuts Sailor Mars in the jaw)
Alexis: (Tifa) These grapes are especially -- mmph!
Kirin: (covering Alexis's mouth) That's it.  Moratorium on "b***h" jokes.

> Sailor Mars: AAAAHHHH!!! You'll regret that! MARS FIRE IGNITE!!!
> Tifa: (Dodges and the fire thaws Barret)
> Sailor Mars: Ah crap! (Continues fighting Tifa)
Adol: I'm getting a drink, guys.
Jim: Get me some Sour Patch Kids while you're up.
(Adol leaves)

> Sailor Venus: (Fighting Cait Sith and Vincent) Sailor V is for Victory!
Garland: (singing) Vic-tor-eee!
Others: (singing) Instinct over intellect!
Garland: (singing) Vic-tor-eee!
Others: (singing) It erupts from deep inside!
All: (singing) History!  History is laughing at us, all in the...
(pause)
Garland: Damn.  Forgot the rest of the words.

> Cait Sith: (Speaking like Darth Vader) Well I am the Sith! Cait Sith! Get her,
> moogle!
> Moogle: (Hops toward Sailor Venus)
> Sailor Venus: VENUS CRESCENT BEAM SMASH!!! (Blows the moogle away)
Yang and Jim: WHOOOOOAAA!
Alexis:  NOT THAT KIND OF BLOW!  GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

> Cait Sith: My moogle! You destroyed my moogle!!! EAT THIS!!! (Tosses her one 
> of Vincent's tarts)
Adol: (Vince) Lucretia, NO!

> Sailor Venus: Oh thank you, I was getting hungry. (Eats it) Blech!!! (Ralphs)
> That was terrible!
Alexis:  I agree!
Kirin:  HEY!  It wasn't THAT bad of a joke!

> Vincent: NOBODY INSULTS MY TARTS!!! (Turns into Hellsmasker and chases Sailor
> Venus around while laughing maniacally)
> Sailor Venus: I know I've always wanted a man to chase after me but this is 
> too much!
Jim: (Venus) Especially since he's a hell demon out to kill me! Ha ha! Get it?

> Aeris: (Fighting Sailor Jupiter with Vegeta and Red XIII) 
Ying: Okay, three against the attractive one.  Now that's real unfair here.
Garland: That's something the Guild's gonna have to investigate.

> DIE! (Whacks Sailor Jupiter in the stomach with her staff)
> Sailor Jupiter: (Bends over holding her stomach)
> Red XIII: (Looks up Sailor Jupiter's skirt and sniffs her @$$)
Kirin: RIGHT!  I'm leaving!  (he gets up.)
(Adol comes back in.)
Adol: Hey guys.  Got sour patch kids and cookie dough balls.
Kirin: Well, I could handle this for a LITTLE longer.  (sits down)

> Vegeta: Red! That's disgusting!
> Red XIII: Sorry, it's the dog in me...
Garland: (Red XIII) I just wanted to be canine for one brief shining moment!  
Is that so WRONG?!?
Jim: (Vegeta) Red...wh, Red! Stop piddling on the fire hydrant! We have to fight!

> Cloud: (Taking on Sailor Mercury with Dav) Ready Dav?
> Dav: I don't know about this Cloud.
Alexis: (Dav) Looks like thunder.  So does that Cloud and that Cloud and --
Kirin: ENOUGH ALREADY!

> Cloud: Don't go ga-ga over the enemy Dav!
> Dav: Hey you do it all the time!
> Cloud: Well yeah but...
Adol: They're usually legal age.

> Sailor Mercury: Ha! (Kicks Cloud in the nuts and punches Dav in the stomach)
> Cloud (High-pitched voice): AH! Maximum suckage!
> Dav: (Thinking) Not bad...
Kirin: Not good, either.
Ying: Dav wants to get kicked in the balls too?

> Cid: Die b***h! (About to run his spear through Sailor Moon's head when 
Jim: The author suffers a fatal heart attack, and the terrible Black Beast of Aaugh faded 
into nothingness...

> a rose comes flying out of nowhere, hits him and knocks him across the city.)
> Cid: F**k! That's a pretty f**kin' powerful rose!
Alexis: It's his own special species of rose. The Whack-em Red.
Garland: They ought to have five day waiting periods on those things!
Adol: Yeah, what'll happen if a rose gets into the wrong hands?  What about the children?

> Tuxedo Mask: (Appears) We must withdrawal! (Picks Sailor Moon up and 
> disappears)
Ying: 'We must withdrawal?'
Jim: But only in small bills.

> Sailor Mars (Getting the s**t beaten out of her by Tifa): Good idea! (Trips
> Tifa and flies away)
Kirin: So Sailor Mars is getting the crap beaten out of her, and all she needed to do to get 
Tifa to stop was to trip her?
Adol: Yup.  Mars is not exactly the brightest flash bulb in the package, is she?

> Sailor Jupiter: Next time you won't be so lucky! (Flies away)
> Sailor Venus: This is only the beginning! (Flies away right before Vincent is
> about to cut her in half)
Jim: We had to read twenty frickin' pages before we're told that?!?
Garland: This process continues for the next few pages until we reach Dav's love interest.

> Sailor Mercury: (Knocks Cloud and Dav over again) I'll see you later! (Looks 
> toward Dav and flies away)
> Cloud: Ha! We won!
> Everyone: (Does his/her victory dance)
Jim [Monotone]: Group finds 1150 gil.  DAV gains a level! BARRET gains a level!  BARRET 
learned MINDBLOW!
Adol: I miss doing that.
Garland: Yeah, made being a hero worthwhile.
Adol: Garland, you never had a victory dance.
Garland: I did too!  Just never got to use it because of those damn light warriors.
Alexis:  Why am I picturing Snoopy on the piano?
Garland: I don't dance like Snoopy.
Adol: You have the rhythm of a dead white man, Garland.
Garland: I hate you.

> Dav: (Thinking) Yeah, but why couldn't I attack her?
Adol: (Dyne) Kos I'm the...no wait.

> Barret: Come on foo's! We'd bettah get back to Midgar an' plan a strategy!
Kirin: Wow.  He switched accents about three times there.

> Aeris: Woah! Barret actually thinking before a fight?! That's a new one.
Ying: (Barret) Whoa!  Aerith being insulting and abusive?  That's a new one!

> (They board the Highwind and leave Saffron City still smoking)
Jim: You know, smoking is a bad habit.
Kirin: So are fics like these.  Break time?
Adol: Yeah.  My head's aching.
(they leave) 

[Switching to story mode]
Meanwhile, as the group enjoyed a short and rather needed intermission, CEO Nwabudike Morgan 
was busy flipping through a book poignantly called "Evil Mystery Theater Operation for 
Dummies".  By the time of the intermission, he had read to chapter five, "Torturing your 
Experiments Between Breaks."
"It is well known among mad scientists," Morgan read aloud, "that the best way to drive a 
subject mad is to give unexpected changes or requirements to their viewing protocol.  Do so 
often and without warning, and refer to your experiments with humiliating nicknames."  He 
nodded and flipped the page.  "Above all, inspire fear in your subjects.  A disrespectful 
group is nature's way of saying you have not worked hard enough."
At this point, Morgan heard a melodious beep, signaling the return of the group to the lobby.  
"On screen," Morgan said, and a video monitor flickered on, showing the group relaxing, 
squeezing out the bad memories of this movie.    
"Put the screen down," Morgan smiled.  "It's time for my...pep talk."

Kirin filled up another bag of popcorn and sat down with the others at the tables Morgan had 
thoughtfully added to the theater.  "I can tell you one thing," Kirin said, "nothing beats the 
taste of butter flavored popcorn."
"Yeah."  Garland sipped some cola.  "Rather buttery."
The group nodded in approval.  A few minutes later, the monitor lowered, and the face of 
Morgan sneered at them.
"Hey!" Ying said happily.  "The new Mad wants to join us."
"No, thank you," Morgan smiled as evilly as he could.  "I just like to watch you vermin writhe 
in pain with the memories ingrained in your brain."  He paused to hear the group's reaction.  
"You know, it's nice of you to keep tabs on us to see if we're okay," Jim replied happily.  
"Mister Nelson never really put forth the effort."
Morgan was taken slightly aback.  "Er...nice?  Did you pieces of refuse call me nice?  I'm 
gloating at your misery, sucking you dry, leaving dried husks of what used to be discernable 
life..."
"He's pretty poetic too, Jim," Kirin noted as he ate another handful of popcorn.
"Yes," Garland said kindly.  "By the way, Morgie.  Thanks for all the popcorn stuff.  It's real 
rich and buttery."
"B-buttered popcorn?" Morgan stammered.  The monitor faced the popcorn popper on the 
concessions stand.  He then gave a cold stare to the group.  "Excuse me.  It looks like one of 
my scions has some explaining to do."  The monitor flicked off and retracted to the ceiling.

"Gosh, that's pretty thoughtful of him," Adol mused a few seconds later.
"What is?" Alexis asked, hoovering the bottom of her Coke with a straw.
"His concern with the minions.  I mean, let's compare."  Adol set his popcorn aside.  
"Normally, the Mad shows very little respect to his assistants.  Sometimes he rarely talks to 
them for days.  It's a thankless job."
"Reasonable assumption there, Adol," Garland agreed.  "I know Aldy treats his associates with 
short shrift.  Honestly can't see why anyone would work under him." 
The group thought about this.
"You know," Kirin concluded, "not only is Morgan a great guy, he's a nice employer."
"Bet he gives benefits packages," Ying added.
Then, suddenly, three large probes floated down from the ceiling and, to the group's confusion,
quickly started to dismantle the popcorn maker.
"Hey..." Kirin protested.  
"What's the deal?" Jim demanded.
The calm face of CEO Morgan floated back down on the screen.  "I'm just correcting a small 
error," he explained.  "I specifically told the builders not to install any popcorn machines, 
and they went and did it anyway.  Just to let you know, I had them sacked, and I am removing 
this rather redundant luxury." Morgan smiled.  "I hope you can go through the experiment 
without popcorn."

Morgan waited a while to hear the shrieks and cries of protest, but after the initial outburst, 
none came.  The group seemed to think about this new development.  Then, one spoke.
"That's actually good thinking."
There were a few murmurs of agreement.
Morgan couldn't believe his ears. "B-but aren't you going to protest?" he said.
"Protest what?" Garland explained.  "Protest that your builders disobeyed a direct order?  Hey,
if I was in your position, I would have them killed, let alone laid off."
"And besides," Adol shrugged, "popcorn with butter is bad for you."
"It is."
"Of course."
"Clogs the arteries."
"I'm so happy you look after our well-being," Alexis replied, fluttering her eyelashes.  "If 
you weren't an evil man, I'd probably want to date you."
Morgan opened his mouth, then closed it.  Then shook his head.  "Aw, just go into the theater."
"Theater?" Jim said.  "But break isn't finished..."
"It is now!" Morgan yelled.  "Get down there now!"  Then the screen flickered off.
"Hmm.  Morgan didn't want us to relax much," Ying commented.  "He doesn't want to go into story 
shock when we get back in there."
"Very caring of him," Garland commented as they walked back into the theater.     

[switching to script mode]
Kirin:  Yeah, he makes a hell of a lot better Mad than Bodger did.
Alexis: Almost...sincere.
Garland: Yeah.  We should do this more often.

[switching to theater mode]
> (Meanwhile the scouts are talking on the way back to their base.)
Jim: (Sailor Jupiter) We REALLY need a new agent.
Ying: (Sailor Mercury) I don't know. I think some of those guys liked getting kicked in the 
balls.
Kirin: (Sailor Mars) Yeah, some of the girls even looked envious.
Adol: (Sailor Venus) I think that's just short skirt envy.

> Sailor Venus: It was really too bad that we have to fight some really 
> good looking guys.
Ying: Aww, she has a crush on Red XIII.
Alexis: BLEAH!  'Quest For Aeris' flashbacks!
All:  BLEAH!

> Sailor Mercury: Well I don't care if you three start chasing any of 
> 'em... but Dav is mine! Oops...
> Scouts: HUH?!
> Sailor Mars: This is something new. We've never seen Sailor Mercury 
> chase after any guy before.
Jim: Yeah, we all thought she was a les...
Garland: NO!

> Sailor Mercury: (Blushes) Uh... well... I think he likes me...
> Scouts: We're in trouble!
Adol: Tell us about it.  Falling in love with a self-inserted character is one step away from 
insanity.

> Sailor Jupiter: Well if you ever get distracted by him in battle then 
> you'll have to confront the Mistress.
Ying: (Sailor Jupiter) Since you are the only competent one, we may as well forfeit now.

> Sailor Mercury: Oh... poopy.
Kirin:  The amount of excrement in this fanfic is astounding.
Garland: Not surprising, though.

> (At the AVALANCHE Hq.)
Adol: We are exposed to the frivolity of life or more drunk jokes.  Whichever comes first.

> Steel: Well that takes care of the mopping. How about a game of 
> Goldeneye, Spanky? 
Ying: (Steel) But I will beat you up if you even mention another free throw contest.

> Steve's guarding the bar and what's left of the drinks.
Garland: (Steve) So you want me to stay here and make sure nobody gets to the drinks except 
Cait's Friend.
Alexis: (Spanky) No! Don't let him anywhere near here!
Garland: (Steve) Oh. Okay, so you want me to stay here and give the drinks to anyone but 
Cait's Friend.
Alexis: (Spanky) NO! Kill anyone who tries to get the drinks until Tifa gets back.
Garland: (Steve) Oh, right! So leave here and kill Tifa as soon as she gets back!
Alexis: (Spanky) ...you're not getting this, are you?
Garland: (Steve) How about if I just assault Tifa?  Will that work?

> Spanky: All right. Time I practiced some head shots! 
> (They go downstairs and see Steve on the computer)
> Steve: Babes!
Kirin: He's playing Dead or Alive 2 again.

> Steel: Oh crap! If Steve's down here then Cait's Friend is...
Jim: In the kitchen with Dinah! Oh no!

> Cait's Friend: Tequila man! (Goes on another drinking rampage)
> Steel/Spanky: F**K!!! (Head upstairs to see that the rest of the 
> drinks are gone)
Adol: You know, I'm really starting to hate alcoholics.
Alexis: Filthy creatures.

> Spanky: This is just perfect! Tifa's going to kill us!
> Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
> Reno: (Runs in) Hey! You didn't leave me any!
> Steel: (Kicks Reno out again) 
Garland: Thus endeth another pointless cameo.
Ying: (Steel) And don't you dare kill us all and then blame it on a cult! 

> We'd better get busy and get rid of these bottles before- 
>(Hears the Highwind land and the team enters)
> Spanky: We're screwed!!!
> Tifa: Damn right you %^&%^(&*)$^(%&)^&*#%&)&_($^&)&^*$%*$%^&$%*$%^&$^*
> $%^&!!!!!!!!!
Kirin: You unintelligible line of symbols?
Alexis:  Maybe it's foreign.

> Red XIII: Damn, Tifa pulled a Cid!
Garland: She might need surgery. 
Jim: From what we've learned about him, I don't think you'd even want to touch Cid.

> Barret: Come on foo's! We're startin' the meetin'!
> (Everyone but Steel and Spanky head downstairs)
Kirin: Thus left to their own devices, Steel and Spanky ran off and were never seen again.  
And there was much rejoicing.
All: (weakly) Yay.

> (Back at the Sailor Scouts' base they've all reverted to their normal form 
Adol: The Sailor Scouts like the whole grain wheat, but their normal forms like the creamy 
filling!
Alexis: Er-hem.
Adol: What?  That wasn't supposed to be suggestive. 

> and Serena has regained consciousness)
> Serena: So Amy, I hear you like one of the enemy.
Jim: Gyra famous on Amy?
Ying (Amy) No, I was misquoted.  I meant to say PUBLIC Enemy.

> Amy: It's not true!
> Raye: Haven't you ever heard about that river in Egypt? De Nile?
(groans)
Kirin:  If you're going to recycle crappy Sailor Moon puns, at least set them up properly!

> Amy: You've used that line before!
> Lita: Well if we're going to defeat them next time we'll need some help.
Alexis: Like competence or a plot hole.
Adol: They'll need...UN support!
[ominous chord]

> Mina: You mean the others?
Jim: Sorry, but that was cancelled by NBC in 1999.
Ying: And Buckeroo Banzai is busy.
Kirin: And Ranma is saving Akane again.
Alexis: And Bodger is busy being a schmoe.
Adol: I'm free! I'm free! I'll help!
Garland: You do and I'll never talk to you again.

> Serena: Lita's right, I'll call 'em now. (Walks over to the phone)
Jim: Uh oh.  She'll be stuck there for hours.
Alexis: HEY!
Kirin:  She's a feminist too.
Jim: Oh, GREAT.

> (Back at the AVALANCHE Hq.)
> Vegeta: If we're going to kick these school girls' @$$es we have to 
> analyze their powers and figure out how we can use it them to our advantage.
(Ying dissolves into laughter.)
Garland: He was being serious, Ying.
Ying: He was?

> Cait's Friend: Fejita man!
> Vegeta: Quiet, you!
> Red XIII: I agree with Vegeta, these definitely aren't ordinary school 
> girls.
Adol: No s**t, Sherlock.
Alexis: Don't do that.

> Dav: Well Mike said that their leader is a b***h, but meatball head 
> isn't their top leader, then someone else must've taken over.
Kirin: And Anne Heche's reign of terror continues.

> Cloud: And Mr. Cole here needs to keep his mind on the battle and not 
> on Sailor Mercury!
Jim: Remember, Dav, whenever you touch a woman, the saints cry.

> Dav: Shut up! It's over and done with! She's completely out of my mind 
> now!
Garland: (Cid) Yeah, keep your mind on the other short-skirted enemies.
Adol: (Dav) Crap!  It's back in my mind again!

> Cid: See that it stays that way!
> Aeris: Leave him alone Cid! He's just like we all were at his age!
Kirin: (Cid) I hope I didn't smell that bad.
Alexis: (Aeris) You did. 

> Dav: Thank you.
> Cait Sith: Now we'd better get a little help for this.
Adol: Yes!  Bring on the Dancing Itos!
[ominous chord]
Adol: Garland, STOP that!
Garland: Sorry.  (He puts away his synthesizer)

> Cloud: Good idea. (Takes out his PHS and makes a call)
> Vegeta: I'll be right back with Kakaraught. He might be able to help. 
> (Flies out)
Adol: No thanks.  We aren't in the mood for Thai food, Vegeta.
Ying: I think he was talking about Goku from DBZ.
Adol: Then why didn't he just say Goku?
Garland: Cause Dyne's the damn author, that's why.
Adol: Okay.

> Tifa: I wish he wouldn't fly through the wall.
> Barret: You guys think we could get dat foo' Link back here?
Alexis:  Lessee... so they call him a fairy, try to devastate his world, then decide to bring 
him in to help him out.  Ladies and gentlemen, logic has left the building.
Ying: Not to be rude, but logic wasn't IN the building to begin with.

> Vincent: Probably not. The last time I saw him that nude fish lady was 
> chasing him.
> Red XIII: Poor guy.
Jim: Oh, I dunno.  Nude ladies, chasing you...doesn't sound too bad to me.

> Cid: Damn that's evil. Hey! I used my own line!
> All: No s**t Sherlock!
All:  AAAARRRRRRRGGGHHH!!!
Adol: It's the least funny running gag EVER!

> Steel: (Comes downstairs) I can fight, and I never get to in these fics.
> Spanky: (Comes downstairs) Yeah, I've never got to fight either.
> Cait Sith: You only appeared in Dyne's last fic!
[CRASH!]
[The screen becomes reflective, as if on a computer monitor.]
Kirin:  Well, that's done it.
Alexis:  Think it'll take long to fix that?
Morgan: (over mike) Luckily for you, I have a spare.
[Suddenly, another screen, made of a special type of metal, lowers down.]
Morgan: (over mike) Enjoy.

> Spanky: Well... I've still never fought.
> Dav: All right, you guys can come.
> Steve: Babes!
Adol: ...in Arms?

> Dav: Not you!
> Steve: Babes...
Adol: ... in Toyland?

> Aeris: Two of us have to stay to watch Steve and Cait's Friend.
Jim: Seeing as how that worked so well last time...
Garland: Just get some random characters from Tenchi Muyo.  We don't care.

> Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
Jim: Far be it from me to stereotype, but I think this fic's going to end with Cait's Friend 
giving a long and somber speech about how drinking has ruined his and his loved ones' lives.
Kirin: Or he'll probably just say "Tequila man!"
Jim: That too.

> Cloud: (Hangs up) I just talked to Fei and Bart, they're on their way.
Ying: So now they're crossing over Xenogears as well?
Alexis:  Fantastic.  More characters acting OOC.  I need a drink.
Adol: Will Surge do?
Alexis and Kirin: NO!
Adol: Geez, I was just asking...

> Tifa: Good, we need all the help we can get since we cut that last 
> battle really close.
> Cid: Damn right! I couldn't breathe after I shoved my cigarette up the 
> b***he's nose! 
Garland: B***he?
Alexis:  Blithe Spirit!  I LOVE that play!

> And I didn't have time to light another one!
> Red XIII: But our main problem is when and where we're going to meet 
> them again.
> Cait Sith: Try saying that five times fast.
Jim: I'm sorry, but my lawyers don't think that is a good idea. 

> (Vegeta and Goku come crashing through the ceiling)
> Goku: We are here!
> Tifa (Extremely pissed): EEEEERRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!! You bastards had 
> better repair my bar before I rip your d**ks off and shove 'em up YOUR 
> noses!
(Group winces)
Kirin: I'll bet she'd do it too if someone thought it was funny.

> Vegeta: Yes ma'am. Come on Kakaraught!
>(They repair the damage instantly)
> Vincent: By the way, did anyone volunteer to stay with Steve and 
> Cait's Friend?
> Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
Adol: How about you guys just kill them?

> Cait Sith: I'll stay, he is my friend after all.
Garland: That's not something I would've admitted. 
Ying: (Cait) And he did name himself after me.

> Dav: I'll remain here as well, I don't want to mess up the battle for 
> you guys again.
> Everyone: (Completely shocked that Dav doesn't want to fight)
Alexis:  So normally Dav is a bloodthirsty maniac?
Jim: He's a caring, sensitive type of SI. 

[Commercial]

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[Back]

> (Back at the Scouts' base they've all powered-up and are awaiting 
> orders)
>Sailor Moon: What are our new orders, Mistress?
Ying: Oooh... is this gonna turn into a Sailor Moon lemon?
Kirin:  You wish.
Adol: I don't.

> Leader: I want you to attack Midgar, that is where their hideout is.
> Sailor Saturn: But Mistress, the Shinra army may attack us as well.
> Sailor Mercury: It would be pretty tough for any one of us to destroy 
> a whole army.
Jim [Sailor Mercury]: Hell, it's pretty tough for us to beat up a bunch of swearing perverts.

> Leader: I have already anticipated that. Take this with you! (Tosses 
> Sailor Moon a package) If the Shinra attacks drop this in front of 
> them, it will kill them instantly!
Garland: It's a bomb?
Kirin: Can't be THAT simple.

> Sailor Pluto: Shouldn't we use it against AVALANCHE?
> Leader: No, they're all immune to it, I've tried it already.
Ying: (Leader) Yes, I've tried already. I HAVE ALREADY TRIED. I WILL NOT TRY AGAIN. IT WILL 
NOT WORK. 

> Sailor Moon: Fine then, let's go girls!
> Sailor Uranus: Oh come on! Sailor Neptune and I were just getting 
> started!
> Sailor Neptune: Yeah, we never get to have any fun!
Adol: (sweatdrop) Yeah, okay.  Thank god Dyne's using the script style story format right now.

> Leader: Get out of here you f**king lesbos! You're as bad as the 
> Gerudos were! (They leave)
Garland: You don't think that's a HINT, do you?
Alexis:  Yeah, well it would HELP if we'd...
All: (tired) ...actually took the time to actually READ the other stories.
(pause)
Garland: So any large group of women are automatically considered lesbians here? 
Kirin: Poor Dav when he finds about Sailor Mercury...
Jim: Are you kidding? He's going to love it!
Alexis: One more word outta you...
Adol: Cool it. 

> Leader: (Thinking) After tracing AVALANCHE for weeks I was able to 
> watch what all of them have done. And now it has become their 
> weakness.
Garland: Uh...yeah.

> (The Sailor Scouts fly away again and soon reach Midgar. They commence 
> their attack.)
Ying: (sarcastically) How very exciting.

> (In the Shinra building)
> Heidegger: Gya ha ha! Mr. President, we're under attack! Gya ha ha!
Kirin:  (Heidegger) It's fun getting our asses kicked! Gya ha ha!
Adol: No, it's Gya ha HA!  
Kirin: Ha HA?
Adol: Yeah, that's it.
Garland: Heidegger played by Norm Macdonald.

> Rufus: Heidegger if you don't stop that f**kin' horse laugh I'll take 
> a shot up your @$$!
Jim: I prefer a shot on the rocks personally, but hey...

> Scarlet: Kya ha ha! Do it to me Mr. President, that turns me on! Kya 
> ha ha!
> Palmer: Get shot and then I can have your lard! Yummy yummy lard!
Garland: (angry) And ONCE again, they reduced Palmer to a mincing fat imbecile.  Those 
bastards!
Alexis: I hate to sound insensitive, but when isn't he?
Adol: Alexis, a tip...
Alexis: Yes?
Adol: Don't dis Palmer.  For our sake, please.
Garland: (sadly) I just like the lug.  Is that so wrong?

> Rufus: I'm surrounded by @$$holes!
> Author's Note: He just noticed that, people.
Kirin:  Thanks for pointing that out.
Jim: He's usually too busy with Bill and Ted to notice these sort of things.

>Rufus: But anyway who's attacking?
>Heidegger: Some flying schoolgirls in mini-skirts sir! They're 
>extremely powerful!
Adol: (Rufus) What?  Again?

> Scarlet/Palmer: No s**t Sherlock!
> Rufus: Dispatch the troops!
> Tseng: Should we go along as well sir?
> Elena: I don't know about this Tseng.
> Rude: Elena, don't act so weak.
Garland: (Rude) Act drunk like me.

> Heidegger: Go and stop them at once!
> Rufus: And see if you can bring any of 'em back with you. (Laughs 
> lustfully and notices everyone staring at him) WHAT?!
Jim: Ah. A man after my own heart.
(Everyone stares at him.)
Jim: WHAT?!

> (Back at the hideout)
Ying: Dav leads a coup and executes all the likable characters in the FF7 series.

> Barret: Now we jes wait for da' b***hes to strike!
Kirin:  Then we send in the troops and take away their benefits!  It's BOUND to work!

> Cloud: That's the problem, we don't know- 
> (TV turns on by itself and Mike appears)
> AVALANCHE: Mike?!
Alexis (Mike) No, Joel.  Honestly, who do you THINK it is?

> Mike: Whew... am I glad I was able to get you guys again.
Adol: (Tom) We are?
Alexis: (Mike) Shh!

> Steel: I don't know, are you glad?
> Mike: Very funny. Anyway, the Sailor Scouts are attacking Midgar!
> Steel: And how would you know?
> Mike: I tapped into their leader's communications and overheard their 
> plans, they might be there already! (Ends communication)
Garland: WOW!  Mike's really become a technical whiz in this fic and the Satellite of Love 
has become a much more useful satellite.  Sadly, this is sooooo much out of character it 
isn't funny.

> Spanky: That pansy didn't tell us who the leader is!
Jim: Mike's a flower.  Aw, how...HEY!
Alexis:  NOBODY calls Mike a pansy and gets away with it!  YOU'RE on my hit list, pal!
Ying: You mean you're putting him on NOW?

> Cloud: All right everyone, let's mosey.
> All: Damn! Again! Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say "move 
> out" or something?!
> Cloud: Move out! Are ya happy now?!
Kirin: (Cid) No.  Now we want you in a cocktail dress.

> Dav: Hey Steel.
> Steel: What?
> Dav: Hurt meatball head for me.
> Steel: Can do.
>(They mosey out of there)
Jim: Was that supposed to be a touching moment?  I must have missed it.
Alexis:  It was touched, all right...
Ying: This touching moment of violence towards women is brought to you by Shaquille O'Neal's 
image consultant. Coming soon! Shaq is back playing a hilarious drunk and abusive father IN 
Tall Dad! Costarring Macauly Culkin and Robin Williams.

> (And back to the Scouts)
> Sailor Moon: All right girls, we've got troops coming in at 3 o'clock!
> Sailor Venus: Great! Then we can relax for an hour!
Adol: Okay! OKAY! We'll be the first to admit the Sailor Scouts are airheads, but there's no 
humanly possible way it could be that bad.

> Sailor Moon: I mean they're coming at us from the right!
> Sailor Jupiter: There's a bunch of 'em!
> Tseng: There they are men! Open fire!
Alexis: (troops) B-but they're schoolgirls in miniskirts, sir!
Kirin: (Tseng) SO?!?
Garland: This is Nav-style wrong here.

> Troops: Yes sir! (They, of course, open fire)
> Sailor Moon: You can't defeat us! I am Sailor Moon! The Champion of 
> Just- (Gets pushed over by Sailor Mars)
Jim: Just for Men?
Adol: Just in Time?
Ying: Justin from N'Sync?
Kirin:  NO.

> Sailor Mars: Are you trying to get yourself killed?!
> Sailor Moon: Well it's necessary that I deliver all of my lines!
Alexis:  Union rules.  Aren't they a bitch?
Garland: No no no, remember, it's supposed to be b***h.
Alexis:  But I can't pronounce that!

> Sailor Pluto: Just throw the package at 'em!
> Sailor Moon: Hey! I'm the commander here!
> Sailor Mars: Give me that you b***h! (Grabs the package) Eat this you 
> turkeys! (Throws the package at the troops)
> Package: (Opens itself up and reveals 
Kirin: Regis and Kathie Lee!
Adol: Martha Stewart!
(pause.  Kirin and Adol turn to Jim.)
Jim: Hang on.  I'm thinking of something.

> a mime)
> Troops: Oh f**k! A mime!!! (Runs for their lives and sanity)
Alexis: (Trooper) They never told us it was a mime! Quick! Call the pimento loaf vigilante!
Garland: Mime?  When is a mime scary?
Adol: Maybe it's something we'd understand if...
All (in unison):...if we'd only had read some of Dyne's stories before this.

> Mime: (Chases them to the Midgar swamp where the Zoloms kill everyone, 
> including the mime)
Ying: That's pleasant. Who will be massacred next?

> Sailor Mercury: That IS a pretty scary attack.
Jim (Sailor Mercury) It's almost as bad as the 'Summon John Rocker' attack we used last week!

>(AVALANCHE runs in)
> Cloud: Charge!
> Cid: Damn! Again?! Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say 
> "attack the f**king b***hes" or something?!
Kirin: (Cloud) Well, seeing as that's MORE idiotic than 'charge...'
Adol: (Cid) How 'bout I say it then?
Kirin: (Cloud) NO!

> Cloud: Shaddup Cid!
> Sailor Saturn: They're here!
> Sailor Moon: Now once again you fight the Champions of Justice!
> Steel: How about this?! Through fire Justice is served! Flare! (Hits 
> Sailor Moon with it)
Garland: (shakes his head) Nope.  Still dumb.

> Sailor Moon: Ah! S**t! Not again! (Rolls around on the ground trying 
> to extinguish the flames)
Kirin:  Unfortunately they consumed her, whereupon the flames then proceeded to burn the entire city and kill everybody.  The end!
Ying: (Somewhat disturbed) Is he always like that?
Alexis:  Only when he's getting REALLY annoyed with the fic.

> Goku: It must be embarrassing that the worst member of the group is 
> the title character.
Jim: Yeah, not at all like any other anime series.
Adol: He obviously hasn't met Sailor Chibi Moon.

> Scouts: It is!
> Sailor Moon: (Gets up) Now I will right wrongs and punish stupid 
> pieces of trash like you!
Ying: Not one of her higher caliber speeches, is it?

> Sailor Mars: Um... Sailor Moon! Can I have a word with you?
> Sailor Moon: Sailor Mars, I'm kind of busy here!
> Sailor Jupiter: We're supposed to fight as one, remember?!
Alexis:  Nope.  No thinly veiled slurs against Communism here.  Nope.  Nope.

> Sailor Moon: I am one! Eeeeeeerrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!
> Sailor Venus: Being second-in-command's gone to your head!
> Sailor Neptune: Prima donna!
Adol: Hussy!
Kirin: Nincompoop!
Garland: Slut!
Adol: Slut?
Garland: Sorry.  Forgot she was still a virgin.

> Sailor Mercury: Shouldn't we discuss this after we take care of them?
> Sailor Uranus: No way! I think we're getting tired of this!
All: AND WE'RE NOT?

> Sailor Moon: You can't do this to me! This is mutiny!
> Sailor Saturn: All of us are sick of being commanded by a dingbat!
> Sailor Moon: Dingbat huh!? A hothead who burns people's feet off is >better-
> Sailor Scouts: (Keep arguing on and on)
Jim: (Sailor Mercury): And you always leave the toilet seat up!
Ying: (Sailor Mars): I do not!
Jim: (Sailor Mercury): I was talking about Sailor Moon!
Adol: I can say one thing.  Dyne's pretty accurate with the hidden internal dissention of 
the Sailor Scouts.
(Group grunts)

> AVALANCHE: (Doesn't attack since they're laughing their heads off)
> Moonlight Knight: (Appears) Sailor Scouts! Your enemy is this group of 
> p***ies right here, not each other!
Alexis:  I couldn't have put it better myself.
Kirin:  Don't side with the fanfic characters, Alexis.
Garland: The author's enemy seems to be the lack of continuity.  I mean, when does this take 
place in the Sailor Moon universe? Moonlight Knight was a manifestation of Darien's 
subconscious for a period of about twenty episodes therefore making it inconsistent with the 
arrival of the Outer Sailor Senshi's appearance. It's a major faux pas!
(pause)
Ying: Yup, couldn't say it better myself.
Alexis: (to Garland) How'd you get to know so much about Sailor Moon?
Garland: Internet.

> Sailor Mars: It's the Moonlight Knight!
> Sailor Moon: No s**t Sherlock!
Adol:  I'm beginning to get the urge to go back in time and kill Sir Arthur Conan Doyle just 
to get that phrase out of the English language.

> Moonlight Knight: I am at your service.
> Sailor Jupiter: Cool! Let's go!
> (Once again the teams split and a huge battle ensues)
Ying: Feel the excitement.  No, really.  (yawns)
Garland: Okay.  I'll get some coffee.  (gets up)  Let me know what happened, okay?  (leaves)
Kirin: Not like anything happens anyway.  

> Tifa: (Once again fighting Sailor Mars but this time with Spanky) This 
> time you die b***h!
> Sailor Mars: Yeah right, I've been ready for this all my life!
Jim: She's been preparing all her life to fight Tifa?  Man, she needs to get a priority 
overhaul...

> Spanky: You mean this right?! (Gives her a huge wedgie)
Adol and Ying: OOOOOOOOY!
Kirin:  And Sailor Mars promptly slaps him with the deadly Sexual Harassment Lawsuit attack.
Ying: Spanky wanted to fight just to do that, I'm sure.

> Sailor Mars: Hey! No fair!
> Spanky: Enjoy being constipated for a week! She's all yours Tifa! 
Jim: Actually, constipation is the direct result of a lack of water in the system, which 
causes...
Alexis:  (covers Jim's mouth) Spare us, PLEASE.

> (Looks for another target)
> Sailor Mars: Oh poopy...
Ying: (Spanky) I told you, you won't be doing that for awhile!

> Tifa: That's definitely something you won't do for a while.
Ying: D'OH!
Kirin:  Riffing backlash: the fear of all MiSTers everywhere.
Adol: STOP with the poopy jokes!  It's NOT FUNNY!  It's NO--
(Garland comes back with the coffee pot.)
Garland: Kona Roast?
Adol: Thanks.  (Drinks from the pot.)

> Sailor Jupiter: (Fighting Vegeta) JUPITER THUNDER CRASH!!!
> Vegeta: (Deflects the lightning bolt) Weak b***h! Die! (Blows her 
> across the sector)
Jim: This fic is going for the world record in launching people.

> Ha! The Saiyin prevail again!
> Goku: Speak for yourself Vegeta! Kao Cannon times............ 500!!! 
Adol: 300, sir!

> (Let's it loose)
> Sailor Saturn: SILENCE WALL!!! (Blocks the blast)
> Goku: Ah crap!
> Cid: Saiyin p***y! (Shoves his spear up Sailor Saturn's @$$)
(the group jumps.  Garland spills coffee on Kirin.)
Kirin: GAAAAAAAH!
Garland: Sorry, man.  The film made me do it.

> Sailor Saturn: Ah s**t! My @$$! My @$$! My f**kin' @$$!
> Scouts: (Completely shocked at Sailor Saturn's language)
Alexis:  I don't see why.  It's pretty standard right now.
Ying: Yeah, usually, they'd be envious. 

> Cloud: (Fighting Sailor Mercury again) This time Dav's not here to 
> distract this!
Adol: Distract WHAT?
Kirin:  He talks about his battles like they were people.
Jim: Yep, he's finally flipped.

> Sailor Mercury: I'd worry more about yourself! My most lethal weapon 
> is my brain!
Garland: She's gonna head-butt him to death then?

> Cloud: HA! OMNI-
Adol:-plex cinemas!  Twenty of the hottest movies with stadium seating, low price popcorn 
and accessible parking!

> Sailor Mercury: SHINE AQUA ILLUSION!!! (Freezes Cloud and moves on)
Alexis:  Is it terribly wrong of me to support the Sailor Senshi on this one?
Kirin:  In this fic?  No.

> Cloud: slash...? POOPY!
> Sailor Venus: Time to begin where I left off!
Alexis: (Venus) Lessee, it was chapter fifteen, right?
Adol: You mean the getting chased around by Vincent while he's shouting "No one insults 
my tarts", right?

> Vincent: Good idea! For I am CHAOS!!! (Transforms)
Garland: You are bloody well not!  *I* am Chaos!  I'll prove it to you...!
(Garland grows into the original FF1 Chaos, scaring some of the group.)
Adol: Garland, NOT in the theater! 
(Garland changes back.)
Garland: Sorry.

> Sailor Venus: Uh oh... (Runs like hell)
> Vincent: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! (Chases Sailor Venus around again)
> Barret: (Sees Cloud frozen) You foo' Cloud!
Jim: Blue foo' Cloud!
Adol: Egg foo Cloud?
Ying: Kung foo...aw forget it.
Kirin:  Who ordered the Chinese?

> Cloud: Why don't you shut the hell up and get me outta here!
Alexis:  Remarkably verbal for an ice statue.

> Steel: Here you go Cloud. Fire! (Thaws Cloud)
Jim: (Cloud) Great. Now I owe Shaq a favor.
Kirin: (Steel) Go take out Kobe Bryant.
Adol: Okay.  I have to ask.  If Steel's never fought before, why does he have both the Fire 
AND the Flare spell?
Garland: Because...
Adol: I know.  Dyne's the author.
Garland: Actually, I was going to mention the fact of Magicite and level development.

> Sailor Uranus: Ha! Got all three of you!
> Barret: Tough s**t b***h! (Holds up his gun-arm)
> Sailor Uranus: AH! (Holds up her arms as if to block)
All: MEGAMI-SAMA!

> Barret: (Shoots out a large flag with "BANG!" printed on it)
Garland: (Barret) Ooh nuts, wrong gun.

> Sailor Uranus: (Lowers her arms) Huh?!
> Barret: Foo'd you! (Punches her across the road)
> Steel: Pretty nasty left hook there Barret.
Adol: (Barret) Good, coz you're next, foo!

> Sailor Pluto: (Fighting Aeris) I can wield a better staff than you any 
> day!
> Aeris: No teenage prostitute has the power to match an Ancient!
Alexis: Why do short skirts automatically make them prostitutes?  How about Chorus 
Line Rejects?

> Sailor Pluto: Yeah, Ancient b***h!
Kirin: (British) Very witty Wilde!  Very, very witty.  [normal]  Shoot me.

> Tifa: (Knocks Sailor Mars down) Hey! Only I can call her that, whore! 
>(Performs her chain of Limit Breaks on Sailor Pluto)
> Sailor Pluto: (Gets blown across Midgar)
Jim: That just blew her mind, heh heh.

> Spanky: Tifa's attack had the most power so far.
Adol: (Spanky) And it looks like I am stuck with the role of commentator, comic relief, and 
quasi-self inserted character.  I'll go off and get some beer and some women.

> Sailor Neptune: Time for the tide to turn! DEEP SUBMERGE!!! (Forms a 
> tidal wave)
> Red XIII: Yes! I've wanted to try this new Limit Break! FARTICATOR!!! 
> (Lets out his biggest fart ever and turns the tidal wave around)
Kirin: But wait!   Sailor Neptune counters with her deadly Beano attack!  Oh the humanity!

> Sailor Neptune: Oh... crud. (Gets knocked out)
> Moonlight Knight: I, the Moonlight Knight, have vowed never to let 
> anyone destroy the earth's eternal song!
Jim: Are we crossing over with Earthbound as well?  This sucks!

> Barret: 'Dat so?!
> Cloud: Earmuff alert!
> AVALANCHE: (Puts earmuffs on)
> Barret: (Starts singing) Y-M-C-A!
(The group starts dancing)
Garland: (singing) Hey!  It's fun to stay in the...
All: (singing)  Y-M-C-A!
Garland: (singing) You can have some fun and have lots of joy, it's fun for the girl and 
boy...

> Moonlight Knight: Oh s**t! How can one sing so badly! I can't take it 
> anymore! (Runs away)
> Barret: (Stops singing)
> AVALANCHE: (Takes the earmuffs off)
Garland: (singing) Yeah, it's fun to stay in the...(pauses) Damn them.
(The group sits back down.)

> Sailor Moon: Time for someone to do something right around here! 
> (Another rose falls)
> Tuxedo Mask: (Appears) Sailor Mercury! Freeze them all!
Alexis: Forgive me if I'm wrong, but isn't the Moonlight Knight the same as Tuxedo Mask?
Jim: He's a real quick-change artist.

> Sailor Moon: Ga-ga-ga-ga-ga... (Stares at Tuxedo Mask)
Adol: She's turned into Kryten all the sudden.
Ying: Either that or Darrien's wearing a loincloth.

> Sailor Mercury: Good idea!
> AVALANCHE: Oh f**k!
> Sailor Mercury: DOUBLE MERCURY ICE STORM BLaaaaaaaahhhh!!! (Gets 
> kicked in the back and knocked over)
Kirin: Oh, gosh.  She threw up.

> Fei: We are here Cloud!
> Bart: Too bad, we missed most of the fun.
Adol: Let's hear it for haphazard crossover insertion, ladies and gentlemen!
(clapping)

> Tuxedo Mask: Sailor Venus! Use your power!
Garland: Use your OWN f**king magic, penguin boy! 

> Sailor Venus: (Jumps away from Vincent) VENUS LOVE ME CHAIN 
> ENCIRCLE!!! 
Jim: Cookie Monster love me cookies!

> (Hits Cid with it)
> Cid: D-uh...
> Tifa: CID!!!
> Tuxedo Mask: Now we must withdrawal! (Disappears)
Adol: Onward to the Betty Ford clinic!

> Sailor Moon: D-uh... okay. (Flies away)
> Goku: Isn't that something you do in a bank?
> Vegeta: He means "run away" Kakaraught!
Garland: (Goku) It's Kakkarot!  KAKKAROT!
Ying: (Vegeta) If you make another stupid joke, I'll call you Maurice, okay?

> Sailor Venus: Ha! If you want him back come to our base! (Flies away 
> with Cid)
> Sailor Mercury: (Gets up) We'll pay you back! (Takes off)
Adol: Well that's good, but I wasn't aware they were borrowing money from them.
Jim:  What do you think all those 'withdrawals' were for?

> Bart: (Cracks his whip, wraps it around Sailor Mercury's ankles, and 
> pulls her down) Tough luck b***h!
> Sailor Mercury: Ahhh! Rats... (Gets knocked out on impact)
> Sailor Mars: They've got Sailor Mercury!
> Sailor Jupiter: So? We've got one of theirs! Let's get out of here for 
> now! (They fly away)
Alexis: (singing)  Up up and away, in my beautiful fuku... 

> Sailor Pluto: (Finally arrives back at Sector 7) Ohhhh... I wanted to 
> rip them out of time!
> Sailor Saturn: You'll get that chance later! Let's go! (They fly away)
> Sailor Uranus: All right, when we get back we'll have some fun!
> Sailor Neptune: Hell yeah! (They fly away)
Kirin:  This is about the point where Crow 2 and Hibichi would go into total fanboy shock.
Ying: Instead of crying?

> Barret: Awright! We win again!
> Everyone: (Does his/her victory dance)
Garland: I don't even want to think of what Spanky's victory dance looks like.
Jim: The Charleston?
Garland: I said I don't want to THINK about it!

> Aeris: But what are we going to do? They took Cid!
> Fei: That's okay, we have one of theirs as well. (Gestures at Sailor 
> Mercury)
Ying: So Dav gets Sailor Mercury but Cid gets all the rest?

> Bart: And besides, do we care that they took Cid?
> Spanky: Not really.
Adol: Hey!  Some of us LIKE Cid!
Garland: Well, he's also the only one who knows how to fly the airship.
(pause)
All: D'oh!

> Cloud: Let's get back to the hideout.
> Everyone: (Expects to hear Cid make on of his "Damn! Again?!" comments)
Alexis: (Cid) Yeah!  Why can't you say "Let's mosey over to the hideout and rustle me up 
some Hormel Chili?"

> Steel: Looks like this is going to take a while to get used to.
> Red XIII: No s**t Sherlock.
Adol: (Spanky) But I was Sherlock last time.
Garland: (Red) Sod off, you filthy monkey!
Alexis:  If I hear that ONE MORE TIME...

[Commercial break]
__________________________
This program brought to you by the friendly people at Pizza Hut.
*burp*
_____________________________   
[back] 

> (Back at the hideout Dav and Cait Sith are playing Poker)
Ying: And Dav, as we all know as the self-inserted type character, cheats.

> Dav: I'll call your bet and raise you... 100 gil.
> Cait Sith: All right, give me three cards.
Jim: (Dav) But you have to put down three cards in exchange--
Adol: (C.S) I SAID GIMME THREE CARDS, DAMMIT! 

> Dav: (Gives him the cards) One for the dealer.
Garland: (Dav) Or the stud-muffin, which is moi.

> Cait Sith: Ha! I've got a full house!
> Dav: Too bad. Feel the power of my... ROYAL FLUSH!
> Cait Sith: Oh poopy...
All: HA!
Alexis: Oh, he just has a pair of twos, that liar.

> Dav: Another game?
> Cait Sith: Naw, we'd better see what those two clowns upstairs are up to.
Kirin:  Probably squeezing into their clown car.  I hear that takes hours.
Garland: (Dav) What?  You bought clowns while I was gone?

> (They head upstairs)
> Cait's Friend: (Licking up the few remaining puddles of tequila) 
> Tequila man!
> Steve: (Reading a porno mag) Babes!
> Dav: Everything's normal up here.
Adol: Yup, alcoholic licking the floor and perv's reading the latest issue of "Maxim".  
Everything's normal.
Alexis:  Men...

> Bob: (Flies in) There you are! (Points at Steve)
> Steve: Babes!
> Cait/Dav: Who the hell are you?!
> Bob: I am BOB! The Son of Sephiroth! 
All:  BOB?!
[general snickering]
Kirin:  Bob.
Jim: Boooob.
Alexis:  What a great name.  Bob.

> (Points at Steve again) And he stole my porno mag.
> Steve: Babes!
> Cait Sith: Bob huh? Let me think... Yeah, I remember you!
Adol: Well how can you forget a name like Boooob?
All:  Bob.
Garland: Yay, Bob!

> Author's Note: Bob first appears in Cait's Insanity 1+1 by Cait Sith.
Alexis: (Dyne) Course, you wouldn't know that if you didn't read it.  Damn you insensitive 
people.
Ying: Maybe Dyne should have had a 'required reading' list at the top.

> Dav: The SON of Sephiroth? Where is old mako-for-brains anyway?
> Bob: Well dad suddenly had a desire to conquer Hawaii and rule it with 
> an iron fist so that's what he's doing now.
Garland: A white man trying to conquer Hawaii?
(pause, then riotous laughter)

> Cait Sith: Well you tell him that he's made a big mistake!
> Bob: What do you mean?
> Dav: By having you as a son! (Kicks Bob out of the bar)
Ying: (Sephiroth) Well hell, I could've told them THAT.
Kirin:  Hey, don't diss Bob!
Alexis:  We like Bob!
All:  Boooob.
Jim: You'd better watch out. He'll bring Jay back with him, and you'll have a major fight 
on your hands. 

> (In Hawaii)
Kirin:  AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon: Live from Hawaii.
Adol: Ah Hawaii, land of Shave ice, Samoans, and pesky American tourists regurgitating poi.
Garland: My kinda place.  (sighs)

> Sephiroth: I am Sephiroth! You will all bow down before me!
Jim: (Sephiroth) I bring you turkey and poorly dubbed Pokémon movies!

> Everybody: (Not even paying attention)
> Sephiroth: (Whining) Oh come on! Bow down! Pretty please... Fine then, 
> I'll conquer Wyoming instead.
> An old lady: Say! Aren't you the Sephiroth who wanted to destroy the 
> world with METEOR?
Ying: (Sephiroth) Uh...well, I was stoned at the time though.  Heh heh.

> Sephiroth: Yeah, why?
> Old lady: Because since then I've always wanted to do THIS! (Kicks him 
> in the nuts)
Alexis: Much to the chagrin of the good people at Planters.

> Sephiroth (High-pitched voice): AAAAHHHHH!!! My twinkies!
Alexis: Check that.  I meant Hostess.
Ying: Unorthodox place to place Hostess bakery products.
(confused pause)
Adol: What?
Ying: I said...
Alexis: Never mind.

> Old lady: Hey everyone! Let's get the weird bastard!
> Crowd: YEAH!!!
Garland: Kill the goth!  Kill the goth!  Kill the...what am I saying?
Kirin: (Colonel) Stop that, stop that!  Started out as a nice little bit about little old 
ladies attacking people, but now it's just gotten silly.

> Sephiroth: Oh crud... (Starts to run away, trips over a root, slams head-first
> into a palm tree, gets hit on the head by several falling coconuts, 
> thrown into the ocean by the crowd, stung by jellyfish and 
> bitten by sharks, thrown across the island by a forming tidal wave, 
> and lands in a volcano.)
Ying: Hmmmm...I sense a bit of hostility towards the character of Sephiroth, but I just 
can't seem to put my finger on it...

> Volcano: (Explodes and throws Sephiroth off the earth and propels him 
> toward the sun.)
> Sephiroth: S***************************T!!!! (Gets turned into crispy
> crunchies)
Alexis: Nice choreography.  Too bad it was utterly pointless.

> (Back at the hideout the fighting team has just returned)
> Cait Sith: So how was it?
Jim: (Cloud) Aw, we beat up some girls.  No big.  Remind us never to bring Spanky 
again, though.

> Vegeta: It sucked, I didn't get to blow any of 'em into another 
> dimension!
Kirin: The awful stench of Saban surrounds this fic.

> Aeris: Don't worry Vegeta, I'll make it better.
Alexis: And segue into musical number!
Jim: NOOO!  DON'T LISTEN TO HER!

> Vegeta: Hell yeah!
> Red XIII: Other than that they got Cid.
Ying: That good or bad?
Garland: If you're a Cid otaku, it's bad.

> Dav: Well that's a maximum suckage!
Jim: Sounds like the White House.
Adol: Grrrrrr...

> Cloud: The good news is we got one of them also.
> Cait/Dav: Who?!
> Bart: This one. (Pushes Sailor Mercury in)
> Sailor Mercury: (With her hands tied behind her back) Hey!
> Dav: (Turns veeeeeeeery pale)
Kirin: (Gets veeeeeeeery bored)
Ying: Ooh, he must not be one of those S&M types.
Alexis: Now, Ying, I warned you...

> Fei: Get in there! (Pushes her into a closet)
Jim: If she finds a white dress and starts pondering the meaning of her sexuality...
Alexis: You too, freak boy!

> Goku: So what are we going to do with her?
> Cloud: Well first I'm going to find out where their base is.
> Cait Sith: Thank you Captain Obvious.
> Tifa: Then afterwards?
> Vincent: Can I cut her in two with my chainsaw?
> Barret: If she don't help us get Cid outta da b***hes base you can 
> kill her Vince.
Garland: (Dripping with sarcasm) Oh, that's very nice, thank you fic for giving us such 
likable and noble heroes.

> Cloud: I'll be back. (Opens the closet and pushes Sailor Mercury over 
> to a nearby abandoned warehouse.)
Adol: You know, they could have saved lots of time if they put her there in the first place.
Kirin: (Church Lady) Well isn't that CONVEEEEEEEENIENT.

> Steel: While we wait for Cloud how about a game of Smash Bros.?
Ying: Excellent. We needed some gratuitous swearing and menial descriptions of a video game 
battle. 
Alexis:  Can we call it a shameless plug now?
Ying: Yeah, I think so.

> Spanky: Good idea. You coming Vegeta?
> Vegeta: (Takes his tongue out of Aeris' throat) Just a minute. (Shoves 
> it back in)
Kirin: Oh!  OH!  Gods!  Man, I need my eyes squeegeed!  Man!
Garland: Poor Aeris...
Adol: Well, could be worse.
Alexis: How?
Adol: Could be Yuffie.
(pause)
Alexis: I hate you, Adol. 

> Goku: I'll play for him.
> Steel: Sweet! Now where's Dav?
> Dav: (Has slipped out unnoticed)
> Spanky: He'll turn up somewhere.
Jim: (Spanky) Remember the time we found him in the garbage disposal?

> Fei: Let me try the game. Come on Bart, I'll need a coach.
> Bart: In a minute will ya! (Cracks his whip) Back! You're not getting 
> my case of "Bartweiser"!
> Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
> [fade out]
Alexis: I thought we'd already confirmed who Tequila Man was.
Ying: We are all...Tequila Man.
Garland: Okay!  Break!
(They leave the theater) 

[Switching to story mode] 
"Well I'll be damned," muttered Alexis.
"That's what you get for whacking us so many times," replied Jim, walking in on the tail end 
of her comment from the snack bar.  She shot him a glare that, coming from a self-insert 
rather than an avatar, would have incinerated him on the spot.
Adol looked in his direction.  "Actually, we were discussing this."  He flapped a rather thick 
packet in Jim's direction.
"What is it?"
"Well, you know how Harlequin has a guide for writing romance novels which even tell you how 
to do the page numbers?" asked Garland.
"Er, no," Jim admitted.
Garland blinked.  "Oh.  Right.  Well, they do.  Anyway, Adol here tracked down a similar guide 
for writing Final Fantasy Seven script fiction," he explained.
"Always knew there was some sort of pattern after we came across Cloud and Cait Sith anyway..." 
Adol added.
"Hoo hoo, and it's a doozy!" added Ying.
"So what's in it?" asked Jim, not sure whether he really wanted to know.
"Wanna read it to him, Adol?"
"Yeah, what the hell."  Adol cleared his throat noisily and began.
"Rule one: All humor is required to come in the form of swearing, poor sexual jokes, extreme 
lack of characterization and put downs.  Wit, irony, satire and other forms of higher humor 
are not allowed."
"Which explains a lot," added Alexis.
"And which explains why Fritz Fraundorf doesn't write these sorts of stories," Garland pointed 
out.
Adol read the next rule.  "Rule two: In said swearing, all bad words must come in the form of 
either stars in the middle of the word or a long, unintelligible stream of symbols.  This is 
easily accomplished by holding the shift key and whacking aimlessly at the number keys on the 
top of the keyboard."
Garland commented, "We're convinced it's stress relief for the writers." 
"Either that or to make the characterization of Cid easier.  Rule three: There is always an 
alcoholic, unintelligible avatar character named Cait's Friend designed to irritate the hell 
out of the readers so that when the time comes for him to be violently killed, much cheering 
will ensue."
"Tequila man!" said Ying cheerfully.
"Rule four: All women must be either alcoholics or sluts.  This includes established 
characters."
"Same thing goes for El Hazard," Jim noted.
"They were already alcoholics, Jim," Ying whispered.
"Rule five: Tifa and Cloud MUST have a gratuitous sex scene."
There was no surprise for the group there.
"Rule six: Other characters must be able to listen in on said sex scene."
Still no surprises.
"Rule seven: Cid's swear words must contain no less than ten symbols."
Jim interrupted.  "Um, how long does this list go on?"
"About fifty pages," replied Adol.
"Oh great..."
"What's great?" asked Kirin, emerging from the bathroom.
The lights began to flash.  "Well, it ain't this!  FANFIC SIGN!"
And so the group trudged back into the theater.

[Switching to script mode]

Kirin:  I missed something again, didn't I?
Alexis:  You ALWAYS miss something, Kirin.
Jim:  Yeah, man.  How do you do it?
Kirin:  Good timing.
	
> (In the warehouse)
> Algus: Where is the Marquis?!
Ying: (Gustav) I told you, they're in the Gamma Quadrant!  Weren't you listening?

> Gustav: ...
> Algus: (Kicks him in the face) Talk you bastard!
> Delita: Enough, Algus!
> Ramza: He's a human just like us!
Kirin:  Actually, that's debatable...
Adol: You ever played Final Fantasy Tactics?
Kirin:  Well, not as such... 
Adol and Garland: Then keep your mouth shut!

> Algus: Anyone who sinks this low is a piece of trash! Where's the 
> Marquis?! (Punches Gustav) TALK!!!
Ying: (Gustav) Sorry, Madam Defarge! I just can't tell you!

> Gustav: "Sand Rat Cellar." Now just remember that we're only taking 
> back what you stole from us!
> Algus: Bastard! Don't talk s**t to me!
> Delita: Algus!
Adol: Yes, we KNOW!  Thank you!

> Ramza: "Sand Rat Cellar?" That's in the Zeklaus Desert.
> Cloud: (Walks in) No s**t Sherlock! 
Alexis:  GRAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!  
(Alexis begins hitting the screen with her fists)
Morgan: (Over Mike) Don't hurt yourself, dear Alexis.  Those screens are rather strong, even 
for you SIs.
Alexis:  (sitting down) Stupid indestructible screens...

> Now get out of here, you've got the 
> info you need! It's my turn to interrogate someone!
Kirin: They must extricate the truth under pain of TOR-CHA!
All: TOR-CHA!

> Ramza: Hey Cloud, where'd you get a hot chick like that?
Jim: (Cloud) We exchanged numbers on an airplane. She was a lonely, plump city girl from LA 
and I was a funny, quiet writer for the school paper...

> Cloud: OUT! Before I tell Dav where you are!
> Delita: I'm going I'm going! (Runs out)
> Ramza: Delita you coward! Come back here! I will not disgrace my 
> family! (Runs after him)
Garland: I'm sensing some serious in-jokes here.
Alexis:  Just smile and nod and they'll go away.
(Garland smiles and nods.)
Garland: They're still there.

> Algus: Idiots! (Walks out dragging Gustav behind him)
> Cloud: (Pushes Sailor Mercury onto the floor) Now, where's Cid!?
Kirin:  (Sailor Mercury) Which one?

> Sailor Mercury: Go bleach your roots, creep!
Adol: (Cloud) Ooh.  Never heard THAT insult before.

> Cloud: (Backhands her) Where's Cid! Talk b***h!
> Dav: (Is crouched on a ceiling beam, watching, waiting)
Jim: For what? A flare? An SOS beacon? Rescue her already!
Garland: Like the Psychic Fern.  His time will come.  Oh yes, his time would come.

> Sailor Mercury: I don't know any Cids!
Kirin: (Sailor Mercury) Well, except for El Cid... and Sid Caeser...and Sid Maier of 
Civilization fame...

> Cloud: (Backhands her again) The Cid who your b***h friend took! Now 
> where are they?!
> Dav: (Is getting pissed)
Garland: Aw, is Davy baby gonna throw a fit?  Come on, throw a hissy fit, you baby!  Come 
on!
Adol: Garland, please control yourself.
Ying: I'm getting some Junior Mints.
Jim: I'll be fine. Go and grab me some Twizzlers.
(Ying leaves)

> Sailor Mercury: They're at our base where our leader will take care of him!
> Cloud: Now where's your base?!
> Sailor Mercury: ...
> Cloud: WHERE'S YOUR BASE YOU WHORE!!!? (Punches her)
Alexis: (Sailor Mercury) Geez, if you want it so bad it's in my purse!  Man...
Adol: (Cloud) Not THAT base! (to himself) Note to self. Check purse later.

> Dav: (Getting angrier)
Jim: How much angrier can you get than being pissed?
Ying: (Still out of theater) Is it over yet?
Jim: Nope. We still have the hero standing back while the attractive blue haired girl is 
beaten to a pulp.
Ying: (Out of theater) Let me know when it's over.
Morgan: (on mike) Get...back...IN THERE!
(Ying trudges back, with a servdroid carrying a gun pointed at his head.)
Adol: That's pretty harsh.
(The servdroid salutes and wheels back out.)

> Sailor Mercury: It's on this planet!
Garland: Be more VAGUE, please!

> Cloud: Where on this planet!? (Kicks her in the stomach)
Ying: On the surface?
Kirin:  Unless they're controlled by Mole Men.
Adol: (singing) We're going down, down, down, deeper into the --
Others:  SHADDAP!

> Sailor Mercury: (Has the wind knocked out of her)
> Cloud: WHERE ON THIS PLANET!!!? (Picks her up by her hair and punches 
> her again)
Alexis: Now, I'm no expert in interrogation, but knocking the wind out of someone isn't a very 
good technique if you're trying to make them talk.
Garland: Alexis, remember your comment about logic leaving the building?
Alexis: Yes.
Garland: Same concept.
Alexis: Okay.

> Dav: (Getting angrier)
Kirin: ... and angrier and angrier and angrier, until he blows up and takes a third of Midgar 
with him.  The end.  (pause) So what's on Sci-Fi?

> Sailor Mercury: On land!
> Cloud: GIVE ME THE EXACT LOCATION!!! (Rams his shoulder guard into her 
> face and lets her fall)
Jim: Methinks Cloud has some unresolved issues to work out.
Alexis: Naw, he's just violent.  Try reading the serious stuff.  He REALLY has issues in 
those.
Adol: Okay, but if this keeps up, I'm putting in a call to the Guild.

> Dav: (Extremely pissed)
Ying: (Dav, monotone) I am very angry.

> Sailor Mercury: (Bleeding in several places on her face and has tears 
> in her eyes) It's on an island south of Hyrule...
Kirin: I knew it!  (pause) Huh?

> Cloud: About f**king time! Now, who's your leader?! Tell me b***h!
All: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER.

> Sailor Mercury: ...
> Cloud: WHO'S YOUR LEADER!!!? (Kicks her in the face)
Adol: RIGHT!  That's it.  (picks up phone and dials a number.)

> Sailor Mercury: Her name is-
> Dav: (Jumps down and kicks Cloud from behind)
Jim: Her name is sudden plot contrivance to stretch out the mystery! 
Garland: Cancel the call.
(Adol grudgingly puts down the phone.)

> Cloud: Dav! What the f**king hell are you doing!?
Kirin: (Dav) Getting angrier by the minute.  You?

> Dav: Something I thought I'd never do before now! (Puts Cloud in a 
> hammerlock)
> Cloud: Ah s**t! My beating arm!
> Dav: (Picks up a rock and hits Cloud on the head)
> Cloud: (Is knocked unconscious)
All: [cheering; various flags reading "Go Dav!" can be seen]
Adol: Um, you DO realize we're cheering for the self-insert, don't you?
[all pause.  Then everybody save Kirin and Alexis chucks their stuff away.]
Jim: (to screen) You're evil!  EEEEEVIL!
Kirin: HEY!
Alexis: We happen to LIVE with an SI ya know!
Garland: And I live with an avocado!  It doesn't mean I want to BE one!

> Sailor Mercury: Dav? Why are YOU helping me?
> Dav: (Unties her hands) Because I can.
> Sailor Mercury: That's not it.
Adol: (Dav) Because you're very attractive in a nice way and you're injured and I want to know 
you better so I can propose to you by the end of the story.  That make sense?
Ying: (Mercury) I liked the first explanation better.

> Dav: I have my reasons. Now come on let's get out of here!
> Sailor Mercury: I appreciate your concern but I can barely walk. 
> (Takes a few steps and collapses) 
Kirin: Looks like the leg's broken.  You'll have to shoot her.

> And even if you could get me out of here you'd never be able to protect me.
> Dav: I'll protect you.
> Sailor Mercury: (Looks at him)
Jim: (Mercury) Wait. You were watching me the whole time and you saved me JUST NOW?

> Dav: You have my word. (Thinks) Locke this is exactly how you got started!
Garland: In fact, it's so exactly like how he started that Locke should sue for 
plagiarism.

> Sailor Mercury: But we're trapped in here, if we use the main entrance 
> your friends will see us.
Ying: (Dav) I know. That'll at least prove to them that I'm not gay, at long last.

> Dav: Not a problem. (Draws Atma Weapon and cuts a hole in the back 
> wall) 
Alexis: Ah.  Why use conventional entrances when you can just make your own?

> Can you fly right now?
> Sailor Mercury: I doubt it, it took all of my strength to stand that beating.
> Dav: I thought as much. I know of a refuge where you can recover. Come on, 
> lean on me and we'll get out of here.
Jim, Ying, and Kirin: (singing) Lean on me, when you're not strong, and I'll be your 
friend... 
Adol: Skuld help me, I saw that coming.

> (They quickly make their way to the Sector 7 train station where Dav 
> has his gold chocobo, Jessika, waiting)
Garland: Oh God, not another one of those things.
Jim: Chocobo? Isn't that a Pokemon?

> Sailor Mercury: Oh! What's that?
Alexis: (Dav) Lunch.  Do you want the wing or the leg?
Ying: (Crazy guy) It's a chicken, I tell ya!  A GIANT CHICKEN!
Alexis: (Dav) What's your point?
Ying: (Crazy guy)  ... well, none really...

> Dav: This is my gold chocobo. Say "hello", Jessika.
> Jessika: Wark!
Adol: (Mercury) That sounded like wark.
Garland: (Dav) Trust me.  She meant hello.
Alexis: And now for the reader's pleasure, the Chocobo translation guide.
Jim: Hi!
Kirin: Wark!
Jim: How are you?
Kirin: Wark?
Jim: Help me, for the love of God!  There's a woodsman chasing me with an axe!
Kirin: Wark!!!
Alexis: This has been a Chocobo translation moment.

> Dav: Look at that, she likes you. (Climbs on) Get on behind me.
> Sailor Mercury: A-alright. (Climbs on)
> Dav: Let's go to Round Island, Jessika!
> Jessika: Wark! (Starts running)
> Dav: I never get tired of this!
Ying:  Then again, he's easily amused.

> Sailor Mercury: Woah! (Hangs onto Dav)
Garland: Great.  Now we're gonna have to hear that damn annoying chocobo music for thirty 
minutes.

> (They quickly leave Midgar and head for the ocean)
Adol: Looks like they're off on a day trip.
Ying: Hope they remembered the picnic basket!
Kirin: Don't make this any more nauseating than it already is, PLEASE.
Alexis: He hates mushy scenes.
Adol: Ah.

> Sailor Mercury: (Gasps) You're headed straight for the water!
Garland: (Dav) I KNOW!  Stop being a back seat driver!
Jim: They've known each other for ten minutes and already they sound like they're married.

> Dav: I know, watch.
> Jessika: (Starts running on the water)
> Dav: (Feels himself getting squeezed tighter) 
Jim: ... and liking it immensely.  
*WHACK!*  
Jim: Look, lady, I'm getting sick of this!
Alexis:  Wanna make something of it?
Garland: Colleagues, PLEASE!  Can't we all just get along?
(Adol breaks the coffee pot over Garland's head)
Garland: (dripping) Thanks.  I needed that.

> I take it this is your first time on a chocobo?
> Sailor Mercury: Just please don't drop me!
> (Dav and Sailor Mercury head for Round Island in order for Sailor 
> Mercury to rest)
Ying: And a little shopping, catch some rays, get some touch ups on that blue hair of hers.
Jim: And we have preferential status, folks.
Alexis: We're familiar with that.  [glares at Kirin]
Adol: Meanwhile, at the Chinese Laundromat...

> (At the Scouts' base)
Kirin: Close enough.

> Serena: Good news Mistress! We managed to capture one from the 
> AVALANCHE team!
> Leader: Who is it?
Garland: The foul mouthed smelly one!
Adol: That doesn't narrow down the choices, Garl...

> Serena: He says his name is "Cid Highwind and that b***hes like us 
> should go back to hell where we f**king belong!"
Ying: They captured Dennis Leary?
Jim: (Leader) Well, then bring Cid Highwind-and-That-B***hes-Like-Us-Should-Go-Back-To-Hell-
Where-We-F**kin-Belong in here!

> Leader: Yeah that's Cid alright. Bring him in here!
> Serena: Bring him in here girls!
> Mina: How do you ask?
Alexis: Well, first you take the request in mind, then you kinda end on an upnote.  It's 
simple once you get the hang of it, really.

> Lita: Slave driver!
> Serena: EEEEEERRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! Would you please bring the 
> prisoner in here?
Ying: (Lita) Now now, we should be gracious in our commands!

> Mina: That's better.
> Susan/Heather: (Push Cid into the leader's chamber)
> Cid: So you're the top b***h?! What the hell do you f**king want with 
> me?!
Garland: I bet it has something to do with a ten-pound bar of soap.

> Leader: You don't recognize me. Do you Cid?
> Cid: Shera? Is that you?!
Alexis: (Leader) Ye...I mean NO!  NO!

> Leader EEEERRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! NO I AM NOT SHERA YOU OLD BASTARD!!!
Adol: (Cid) You SURE 'bout that?

> Cid: (Thinking) Whew, a reprieve. (Speaks) Then who the f**king hell are you?!
> Leader: I'll show you. (Turns her chair around to reveal...)
Kirin: GAAAAAAAH!  It's Hironobu Sakaguchi!

> Cid: YUFFIE?!!!!!!!!!!
Jim:  (Announcer) Yes!  It was Yuffie Kisaragi!  Dissatisfied with merely stealing materia,
the master thief decided it was time for bigger, better challenges!  She wanted... the WORLD!
Adol: I knew that lady was trouble.  Her and those shorts.

> Yuffie: 'Bout time old man. It was I who took over the Sailor Scouts 
> and it is I who is going to take over the world with bad fanfics!
(silence.  Group looks at each other nervously)

> Cid: (Is so shocked he can't cuss)
Alexis: Guys, I...
Garland: I know.  I think we tripped up on something rather devious here.

> Yuffie: Yes! Soon the world will be mine! Mwahahahahahah-
> Serena: Uh... Mistress?
> Yuffie: What is it Serena?!
Ying: (Serena) The 'No Evil Laugh' sign has just been turned on. Please don't laugh evilly 
until the plane has come to a complete stop.

> Serena: It's time for the intermission, you don't say that line until 
> part two.
> Yuffie: Oh...
Morgan: (over mike) Oh COME ON!  I just finished repairing the fourth wall!
Kirin:  You're better off not bothering, Morgie.
 
[commercial break]

----------
This program brought to you by Seanbaby.
Course, he doesn't know it yet.
----------

[back]

> And so it is revealed that Yuffie was somehow resurrected after Dav killed her
> last time. 
Ying: Yea, and what a silly and harebrained revelation it was.
Garland: We think it had something to do with elves.

> And Dav has betrayed his friends to help the enemy! 
Adol: Thus dooming him to a horrible death.  
Kirin: He's a self-insertion character, dummy.
Adol: Okay.  Guaranteeing him the right to kill everyone and become ruler of the world.

> And poor Cid! 
Alexis: Poor sick, delusional Cid!  
Jim: I hope you're talking about a different Cid, cuz I have no pity for that potty mouthed 
bastard. 
(Jim turns around to see Garland wielding his sword.)
Jim: But of course, I have great respect for his character.
(Garland puts the sword down.)

> Shocked so much not to be able to cuss! 
Kirin: And being forced to leave home at an early age, becoming a wanderer and a...
Ying: Okay, stop that.

> The conclusion to AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon after this brief intermission.
Garland: How grateful!
(the group gets up)
Morgan (over mike): No.  You stay!
Adol: But Dyne said...
Morgan (over mike): Please forget what the author said.  You READ!
Alexis: Okay, okay.  (mumbles) Dirty capitalist creep...
Morgan (over mike): WHAT WAS THAT?!?
Alexis: Nothing.
(The group sits back down.)

> ~Intermission~
(the group gets back up)
Morgan (on mike): NO!  Not for you!
(groans as group sits back down.)

> (On the Satellite of Love)
Garland: Where everyone knows your...
Jim: We did that joke.
Garland: Sorry.

> MIKE: Oh! We're on! 
> CROW: Not yet Mike, the theme song!
> MIKE: Sorry.
Ying: (singing) Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, the tale of a fateful...
Adol and Garland: NO!
Ying: Sorry.
(pause)
Alexis: Did we just say sorry in a succession of three times?
Jim: Ignore it.
Alexis: Sorry.
Adol: You said it again.
Kirin: SHUT UP!
Adol: Sor...(Garland stares at him, so he shuts up.) 

> In the not too distant future,
> Somewhere in time and space.
Ying: Hey! They're in Videogame Land.
Jim: Where's Mother Brain and the Tofu King, then?

> Mike Nelson and his robot friends
Adol: Were trapped in a crappy fanfic!
Kirin: That doesn't rhyme.
Adol: (surprised) It doesn't?

> Are caught in an endless chase.
Alexis: Begin humming cheesy chase music.

> Pursued by a woman who's name is Yuffie,
Jim: Whose bunny slippers are so very fluffy?
Ying: Pursued? She sits around ordering girls in short skirts to attack the characters from 
Dragon Ball and Final Fantasy!
Garland: Logic.  Not in building.  Remember?
Ying: Oh...yeah...

> An evil gal who wants to rule the world.
Alexis: That doesn't even rhyme!
Adol [Dyne]: It doesn't rhyme CAUSE IT'S MY DAMN MiSTING! 
Kirin: Why are people who want to take over the world naturally considered evil, anyway?

> She threw a few things in her purse 
Garland: Which of course, wasn't hers.

> And in a rocket ship she hunts them all across the universe 
Jim: No she doesn't! This is the most inaccurate theme song I've heard since 'Baywatch'.
Kirin: Jimmy.  Settle.

> "I'll send them cheesy fanfics, 
> The worst I can find (la la la) 
Adol:  Ah.  Well this one is a very good start.

> He'll have to sit and read them all 
> And I'll monitor his mind (la la la)" 
Alexis: Morgan, this sounding FAMILIAR?
Morgan (over mike): Purest coincidence.

> Now keep in mind Mike can't control When the fanfics begin or end 
> (la la la). 
Kirin:  Because he's in HELL.
Ying: And so are we.

> He'll try and keep his sanity 
Garland: Using a healthy diet and exercise regimen!

> By the help of his robot friends. 
> Robot Roll Call! 
> Cambot. 
Adol: (Cambot) Text Only!

> Gypsy. 
Garland: (Gypsy) Heil Richard Basehart.

> Tom Servo. 
Alexis: (Tom) Check me out.

> Crow! 
Kirin: (Crow) I'm not a hentai!
Adol: Honestly, how can you have the theme song without those little asides?
Garland: And that should be Croooooow, not just Crow.  Philistine.

> If you're wondering how he eats and breathes 
Ying: And who does the laundry.
Jim: And whether he's wearing pants.

> And other science facts (la la la) 
Kirin:  Then you're thinking too hard.  You're not supposed to think.  We do not GIVE you 
enough INFORMATION to think!

> Just repeat to yourself, "Its just a show, I should really just 
> relax." 
All:  NOT BLOODY LIKELY!
Ying: Despite the fact that presenting a show in text-only format makes no sense!

> For Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000! 
Garland: Twanggggg.

> MIKE: Yep we're still stuck up here.
Alexis:  (Mike) As is the premise for the show.

> TOM SERVO: Hey Mike did you ever notice that our new uh... what's the 
> word I'm looking for?
Kirin: Panties. 
(rimshot)
Adol: I thought you put the synthesizer away, Garland.
Garland: Bite me.  It's been a long few hours.

> MIKE/CROW: D**kweed manipulator?
Ying: D**kweed?  Don't they mean D-Weed?
Garland: That's an Orkin product.
Alexis: That could work too.  Just not very effectively.
Jim: A dickweed manipulator, huh? Sounds like a pretty weird invention exchange if you ask 
me...
(all the males cringe)

> TOM SERVO: Right, did you ever notice that she's even crazier than Dr. 
> Forrester?
Adol: (Tom) She looks like a guy too.

> CROW: Well it was never in any script that she takes over after he 
> disappears.
*CRASH!*
Garland: (looks back) We're running out of fourth wall plaster.
Kirin:  Just go without.  We always do.

> GYPSY: Hey guys, Yuffie's calling.
> ALL: Damn!
Jim: Ah, memories. Remember all the needless swearing in MST3k?
Ying: No.
Jim: Neither do I.

> YUFFIE: Good morning my moronic knuckleheads.
> TOM SERVO: Then again she doesn't sound too much different than 
> Forrester.
Alexis: Actually, I think Dr. Forrester had that intangible feeling of...what's the word I'm 
looking for?
Kirin: Plausibility?
Alexis: That's it.

> YUFFIE: Quiet you! Today I've found an extra interesting fanfic for you 
> all, this one will help me extract my revenge on AVALANCHE and that idiot 
> thief who killed me last time!
Adol: I dunno.  What's wrong with this one?

> DAV'S VOICE: That's TREASURE Hunter you bloody whore!!!
Garland: Too bad he didn't say 'Relic Hunter' or we could have a big lawsuit pending.

> YUFFIE: EEeerrrrrgggghhhh!!! Send them the latest fanfic!
> SERENA: (Flips the switch)
Ying: FZZZZZZZZZ!!!
Alexis: (Yuffie) D'OH!  NOT THAT SWITCH!

> YUFFIE: This one is called My Electronics Class and Cait Sith, enjoy!
(pause)
Kirin: Morgan!  You never said anything about TWO stories!
Morgan (over mike): Blast it, you people are such crybabies.

> (Red alarm sounds.)
(Garland jumps up) 
Garland: Fanfic sign!  Fanfi...(pause) Sorry.
(He sits back down while Adol and Jim chuckle.)

> MIKE: Ooohh, we got fanfic sign, let's go.
Jim: They sound real panicked.

> They stumble into the theatre.
Alexis: Stumble? What, are they drunk?
Ying: If this thing has a character named 'Crow's Friend'...
Adol: Yeah, he'd probably keep saying "Kim Catrall, man!"

> ~ My Electronics Class and Cait Sith
Jim: Or Why Johnny Can't Blink.

> TOM SERVO: Why can't it be Our Electronics Class and Cait Sith, I'm 
> sure they'd love to study any sophisticated robot like us right Crow?
Garland: (Crow) Psst, Tom.  You're talking in run on sentences again.

> CROW: Never know.
> ~ By Jim
[Everyone looks at Jim.]
Jim: Hey! I'm a cardboard cutout! I can't write!

> MIKE: That's a real original name.
Jim: Hey! 
Kirin: Like HE would be talking.

> TOM SERVO: It could be Jimbo.
> MIKE: You mean from Simpsons?
> TOM SERVO: No! Jimbo Bond!
Alexis: ...?
Garland: This thing has taken on a surreal Fellini visage here.

> ~ Science Teacher: OK today class we have a new student
Kirin: ...named Li.  Say hi, Li!
Ying: You are not worthy of the Clow cards!
Kirin:  This has been a Card Captor Sakura reference moment.

> MIKE: Please say it's not Kate Winslit!
Jim: Please say it IS!  Rrrrrowr...

> CROW: No! It's Madonna!
> ALL: AAAAHHHH!!!!!!
Garland: Hmmm.  Must not like women that much.
Alexis: Be fair, Garland.  They've been in space for ten years. 

> ~ (points at Cait Sith).
Adol: (teacher) Look at him!  Isn't he ridiculous?  Maybe if we laugh at him, he will go away.

> TOM SERVO: Whoop-dee s**t!
Kirin: Har har, harDEE har har.
Alexis:  Come on, Tom!  Where's that articulate wit we love so much?
Jim: I'll bet his next comeback is about a pleasant sucking feeling.

> ~ Cait Sith: Yah, yah, yah. C'mon Lets cut this Garbage.
Garland: When Jack the Ripper met Shirley Manson.

> CROW: (Singing) Who can take your diapers?
> TOM SERVO: (Singing) Clean 'em up for you!
> MIKE: (Singing) The Garbage man!
> ALL: (Singing) Oh the Garbage man can!
> CROW: With profuse apologies to Matt Groening.
(pause)
Ying: When the hell are WE gonna get an apology?

> ~ Teacher: OK. (pulls out
> TOM SERVO: Another copy of this fanfic!
Adol: Oh dear God, DON'T!

> CROW: Tetris Plus!
> MIKE: A copy of this episode!
> CROW/SERVO: HEY!
Alexis: YOU!  Get off of my cloud!
Ying:  ...said Aeris to Tifa in another fic.  
*WHACK!*  
Ying: OW!

> ~ a Golden pp7
> MIKE: (James Bond) I protest, that's only on my game!
Adol: (James Bond) I protest!  That man's taking my name in vain!
Jim: See, now THIS would be a good moment to say 'Whoop-dee-s**t.'

> ~ and pulls trigger
Alexis: Ooh, poor Trigger.
Garland: Roy Rogers is gonna be mad. 

> CROW: Hello? End of sequence?
> ~ .
> MIKE: It's the wily, elusive period!
> CROW: Catch it! Catch it!
> TOM SERVO: It's much more exciting than this.
Adol: I've never tried to comment on a period before.

> ~ Cait Sith: (flies backwards in a shower of sparks)
Ying: Hey, the MiSTed fic has even more going for it than the actual story.
Jim: What do ya mean?
Ying: This one has a shower scene!
Jim: Ha ha ha.
Garland: (to Alexis) You want to hurt them or should I?

> TOM SERVO: Hey! That's cruelty to animals! I'll tell the SPCA on you!
Kirin: Naw, too mild.  Try PETA.
Alexis: (Tom) I'll call your mom!  I'll call your supervisor!  I'll publish a book and scar 
your reputation!

> CROW: About time some action came, I was falling asleep already.
> MIKE: It's also about time that Cait took a shower.
Adol: (Tom) Speaking of which, Mike...
Ying: (Mike) Oh shush.

> ~ Class: COOL!
Jim: Yes kids, there's nothing like shooting a kawaii robot character that will get the 
class's attention.

> TOM SERVO: Tooooooo much to drink.
> ~ Teacher: Just as I suspected
> MIKE: (Holmes) I say Watson, we've got a bit of a tizzy on our hands.
Jim: (Watson) No sh*t, Sherlock!
(Everyone reaches for their weapons/dull blunt objects)
Jim: Sorry! Sorry! Too good to resist!

> ~ another one of those cheap
> TOM SERVO: Cheap? You got that right!
> ~ Japanese imitation robotic cats made in Uti.
Adol: You mean abominable snowmen?
Garland: That's yeti, bonehead.
Kirin:  It's in one ear and Uti other.

> TOM SERVO: (Cheesy announcer) Come to Uti for all your cheap imitation 
> robotic cat needs!
> CROW: (Cheesy announcer) Have your credit card ready and dial 1-800-UTI, 
> that's 1-800-UTI!
Jim: Offer void in Utah and American Samoa.  Check local listings.
(Adol takes out his phone and places a call.)

> ~ (puts back PP7 and takes out a screwdriver and a scalpel.)
> MIKE: (Student) Hey professor, what else do you have in that coat?
Alexis:  On second thought, don't answer that.
Garland: (teacher) Homemade firebomb and an M-16.  Why'd you ask?

> ~ Student1
> TOM SERVO: Whoever heard of a name like student 1!?
Ying: Boy, these guys are really anti-namist!
Jim: (Tom) What kind of name is Sammy? What kind of name is Bob?

> CROW: The author apparently.
> ~ (with the voice of Ralph off the Simpsons):
Kirin: (Ralph) I bent my wookie!

> TOM SERVO: Ah! Another reason to sue, no disclaimer for the Simpsons!
Garland: Coming from the same people who were singing the garbage man song FROM the Simpsons.  
Damn hypocrites.  
Alexis:  Feeling litigious today, Tom?

> CROW: (DISCLAIMER) The Simpsons is copyrighted Groening Enterprises 
> or whatever the company is called.
Kirin:  You know.  THAT company.  Whatever.
Ying: Gracie Films.
Kirin: Thanks.
(Adol hangs up)
Jim: Well?
Adol: Nobody spoke English over there.

> ~ He Ha! I wish my daddy were here.
> MIKE: (Student1) Yeah, I wet my pants again!
Alexis: More power to you then.

> TOM SERVO: (Student1's dad) I thought I told you to wear the rubber 
> pants.
> MIKE: (Student1) But daddy, those rubber pants are hot and Sidney keeps 
> teasing me!
Garland: (stands up) Dyne, this is NEITHER the TIME nor the PLACE!  
Adol: Dude, don't talk back to the screen.
Garland: Sorry.  (sits back down)

> CROW: (Student 1) But I already took care of that!
> MIKE: (Dad) How so?
Kirin: (Crow (Student1)) I wet 'em again!

> CROW: (Student1) I hit him with my purse!
> MIKE: Ha! Good one Crow.
Garland: Yup, definitely Fellini here.  

> ~ Teacher: (puts Cait Sith on lab table)
Jim: Then he straddles it...
Alexis: Jim, no.
Jim: Sorry! Geesh, lady, you have your methods, I have mine.

> TOM SERVO: (Teacher) Please be quiet during the surgery, I don't want to 
> accidentally kill the patient.
Adol: (stands up) YOU SHOT HIM IN THE HEAD YOU DOPE!
Garland: And you tell me not to yell at the screen...geez.
(Adol, embarrassed, sits down too.)

> MIKE/CROW: He already did!
> TOM SERVO: Poopie!
> ~ Now we will insert the scalpel on the chest of this robot
Alexis (in German accent): Zen vee vill tvist it und sever zee spinal cavitee like ZISS, 
und...
Jim: (sweating) Can I get out of watching this on moral grounds?
Kirin:  If you could get away with that, we'd have been out eons ago.

> MIKE: (The teacher singing) The little thing's connected to the... big 
> thing. The big thing's connected to the... red thing! Oops, there goes 
> my watch!
Adol: You know, for a guy who complains about the fanfic's references to the Simpsons, Mike
makes an awful lot of them himself...

> ~ and peel back the synthetic fur that had even the AVALANCHE team fooled.
Alexis:  For you see, the AVALANCHE team are idiots.
Garland: After reading the fic, I'm not surprised.

> ~ Student2 (kicks moogle) What a wimpy stuffed animal
Kirin: The moogle then falls down and crushes him.  The moral of this story, don't kick 
moogles three times your size, you f**king retard!

> CROW: (Moogle) Just remember you little bastard I can uppercut you through the roof!
Jim: Is this really a Crow-ism?
Ying: Naw, it's just violent.

> ~ Student4: Hey it reminds me of Barny whose just gone through the 
> ~ bleach machine!
Garland: (Student4) Ha ha!  I am so witty!  (whisper) What's a bleach machine?
Alexis: Dunno.

> TOM SERVO:(Sing to the Barney song) I hate you! You hate me, we're a 
> typical American family!
Kirin:  Ah, biting social commentary script-fic style!  Kill me.

> MIKE: (Sings to a change of lyrics) With a big @$$ sword I stabbed him 
> in the head! Now we know that Barney's dead!
Adol: (golf clap) The incomparable Brian Bull, ladies and gentlemen.  Brian Bull.
Ying: Oh, please tell me it isn't like this! I feel so disappointed.

> ~ Teacher: Now that we have pulled back the synthetic cat fur we can now see 
Jim: (Teacher) A nice big t-bone.  And next to that we have the porterhouse...

> ~ the dermal heat generators and the endoskeletal structure. 
Kirin: We can see that beneath his violent, swearing, drinking exterior, Cait's really a 
nice person.

> TOM SERVO: What'd he say?
> CROW: He thinks Cait's a endoheating gerbil.
Alexis:  Somebody's been playing Maniac Mansion again.

> ~ Student1: (picks up a screwdriver and rams it into a wire trailing out 
> of Cait Sith ) 
Adol: (Student1) I claim this land for the Republic of North Corel!

> ~ YAHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOO! ( He yells while getting electrocuted)
Ying: This is hardly a time to be thinking about internet browsers, Student1.

> MIKE: (Teacher) Hey can I try that?
> ~ Student4: 
> CROW: Where's Student3?
Jim: He escaped, the lucky bastard.

> ~ (Pulls out water gun
Garland: LOOK OUT!  HE'S GOT A GUN!
Adol: Now that's an example on what's wrong with this country.  Loose school security!

> MIKE: (Student4) D-uh I wonder what happens if I pull the trigger while 
> aiming at him? 
Kirin:  I dunno.  Let's test, shall we?

> ~ and starts spraying Cait Sith's wire as well as student1)
Garland: (student4) Ha ha!  I like hurting other people!

> CROW: (Student4) Lookit all the pretty fireworks!
Ying: So who's dumber -- the kids in the fic, or Mike and the Bots?
Alexis: Oooh, tough call...

> ~ Teacher: Stop it you two! Obviously you are having lots of fun but 
Jim: Fun is liable to get you a failing grade!

> ~ these cheap robots have been know to have a serious electrical output 
> ~ when in contact with water.
> TOM SERVO: (Teacher looking at an elementary electronics book) Uh, at least 
> I think that's what happens.
> ~ (as if on cue 
All: Wackiness ensues!

> Cait Sith begins convulsing and electrocuting student1, 2 , and 3.)
Kirin:  It's ALIVE!  ALIIIIIIVE!  MWA HA HA!

> CROW: There's 3 but what about 4!
> ~ Teacher: (calls peramedics) Yeah we have had a slight problem here. 
Alexis: (teacher) We're stuck inside a MiSTing within a MiSTing and we're cracking up.
Jim: (paramedic) What?  Again?  What kind of half-assed class are you teaching anyway?

> ~ Three of my students just got zapped.
Jim: (paramedic) You're in an episode of Urusei Yatsura again, aren't you?

> MIKE: (Paramedic) Listen sir if this happens one more time I 'm going to 
> have your license revoked!
> ~ Ok see ya soon. Bye.
Alexis: (teacher) By the way.  Could you bring us a large pepperoni piz...hello?  Hello?

> TOM SERVO: (Teacher) Let's see, that's five times today, I guess that'll 
> meet my quota for the week.
Garland: Remind me.  Does this count as a meta-MiSTing?
Kirin:  I think this barely counts as anything.

> ~ <xmp> <bell rings> </xmp>
Ying:  The most intelligent line of the entire fic, folks.
Adol: (bell) RING!  RING!  Come on, it's FUNNY, damn you!

> MIKE: I've never seen a programming code for "bell rings" have you 
> guys?
> CROW/SERVO: Nope!
Jim (Crow) But then again, we haven't seen a lot, truth be told...

> THE DISPOSAL
Kirin:  (scary voice) Just when you thought it was safe to take out the garbage...

> CROW: Oooo, scary...
> MIKE/SERVO: Bum bum bum!
Alexis: Three bums in one!

> ~ It has turned out that this particular teacher has a knack for 
Jim: Dancing the sarabande with gerbils in his underwear.
Adol: I had an English teacher like that.
Garland: What were the gerbils doing with his underwear?
All: Shhhh!

> seeking out androids and destroying them.
Kirin: Mr. Deckard was a very popular teacher at their school...
Adol and Garland: Whuh?

> MIKE: (Teacher) Let's see, now I've taken care of Data, R2-D2, and Cait 
> Sith. I guess 3P0 is next, then maybe Tom Servo and Crow.
> SERVO/CROW: HEY!!!
Alexis:  I don't think Joel would be very fond of you if you did that, Mike.
Jim: But they're not androids, they're just robots, and it doesn't make any sense! (he begins 
to cry)
Ying: There, there, it's just a continuity error.

> ~ After having a ball dissecting tehm
Garland: That's a very talented ball.
Adol: No, it's the annual Dissection Ball they hold in the science labs every year.

> CROW: Tehms! The right way to relieve stomach pain!
Alexis:  Really?  I want some!  This fic has been giving me pains for the past fifteen 
minutes!
Jim: That's the last thing ANYBODY wants to hear coming from a woman.
Alexis:  And if you don't want it to be the last thing you ever hear, I suggest you shut 
up.

> ~ he has to find a way of disposing of them. 
Garland: Course, stuffing them under the rug didn't work very well.

> ~ The way he does it is to fist cut tehm
Kirin:  (Rocky) Cut me, Mendoza!

> TOM SERVO: I guess this guy really likes tehms!
> ~ up with a chainsaw
> MIKE: (Vincent) Ah ha ha ha!
Ying: I don't know. I think that more warrants an Evil Dead ref than Final Fantasy.
Adol: Or a Deliverance reference.
Garland: Deliverance!  Duelling Banjoes!  Ned Beatty!  
All: AHHHHH!!!

> ~ and then to run them through a mulcher.
Jim: The teacher has real issues, it seems.
Garland: If Steve Buscemi shows up here, I am sending a letter of complaint.

> TOM SERVO: Isn't that a guy who doesn't pay back loans?
> MIKE/CROW: That's moocher! 
Alexis:  What happened to Tom's incredible vocabulary?
Ying: What vocabulary?

> ~ This is the most efficiant
> MIKE: Efficant, the new computer game that really really sucks!
Adol: Sequel to Brigandine.
Jim: Gee, and here I just thought it was a misspelling of efficient. 
Kirin:  This guy's worse than Alexis on the grammar flames...
Alexis:  I resent that.

> CROW: I thought it was a world on Earthbound.
Garland: That'd be Magicant.
Alexis:  Fanboy.
Ying: It scares me that they've actually heard of that game.

> ~ way of reducing them to small pieces other than incinerating them.
Kirin:  So exactly how did this guy manage to get past the screening process for teachers?

> TOM SERVO: He then uses the pieces as the secret ingredient he puts in his 
> kids' chocolate milk. Oh and Crow?
> CROW: What?
> TOM SERVO: I take back what I said about the title.
> CROW: Thank you.
Garland: (Tom) I still hate you though.
Ying: And thus a thick and harmonious friendship built upon a bad joke and zesty banana 
pudding was formed.

> ~ As for the Moodel Mugel or whatever,
Alexis: That's Harry Potter's unmagical cow, innit?
Kirin: (Scottish) Ach, I'm making a moodel Mugel, and Oi'll be makin' a moodel Clood next!

> CROW: Moodel Mugle, isn't that some sort of Chinese food? 
> ~ he gave it to his son and his son put it on his bed 
Jim: Where it became famous on the stuffed animal sex circuit.
(Garland spits out his drink.)
Alexis: Don't DO that!
Jim: Sorry.

> ~ where it has satyed ever since.
> TOM SERVO: (Moogle) Hey! I'm still alive!
Kirin:  I'm not dead yet!  I'm getting better!  I think I'll be able to go for a walk!

> ~ ...
Garland: (author) Ha ha!  I DARE you to make fun of an ellipsis!  I DARE you!

> MIKE: I guess that's it...
> CROW: Good let's get outta here!
Jim: They said it first!
(Everyone gets up to leave)
Morgan: (over mike) STOP THAT! You do not leave until I let you!
(groans as everyone sits down)

> They leave.
Adol: Two hours later...

> MIKE: Well that one was a lot shorter and a lot easier.
Garland: (Mike) Which was good.  I'm just not feeling all that witty today.
Alexis: (Tom) We know!

> GYPSY: Yuffie wants you guys again!
> CAMBOT: (Puts Yuffie on-screen again)
Jim: How come Cambot never talks?
Kirin: He's a silent, strong type.  That's why.

> YUFFIE: So how was this one?
> TOM SERVO: Actually I thought this one was quite interesting due to the 
> fact that it is one of your former allies who is being slaughtered.
Ying: (Tom) Yes, a true masterpiece!
Alexis: (Crow) Especially after meeting them.  Oy...

> YUFFIE: I know, isn't it great?!
> ALL: Uh... yeah.
Adol: No!  Don't agree with her, you cattle!

> MIKE: Anyway I think you'd better hope that Cait doesn't see this episode.
Garland: Yeah.  Don't want to INSPIRE him or anything.  
*CRASH*
Morgan (over mike): Clean-up.  Aisle five.

> YUFFIE: And why is that?
> SERENA: Uh Mistress, we're receiving a transmission.
Alexis: (Serena) And a gas tank and a motor, strangely enough.  I think they've mistaken you 
for Midgar Nissan again.

> YUFFIE: Fine, on screen.
> MIKE: Hey Yuffie you've been reading too many bad Star Trek fanfics 
> before you send 'em to us!
Adol: And we can't me more thankful.
Kirin: Could be worse: She could be speaking like William Shatner.

> CROW: (Captain Kirk) Spock! Get that drivel out of your pants!
Jim: (Spock) It's a tribble, you fool!
(rimshot)
Jim: Thank you.  Drive home safely.  

> TOM SERVO: (Captain Picard) Captain's log... Parts of the ship are 
> falling off and... nobody likes me.
Garland: (Picard) Captains Log...I feel that some fool is ripping off some lines from the 
MST3K movie.  At this time, I'm not sure if this is flattery or mockery.  I need Rogaine.

> YUFFIE: All right knock it off! Open the channel!
> CAIT SITH: I saw this episode b***h! In part two of the fic you're 
> dead!
> YUFFIE: Oooo... I'm soooooo scared.
Kirin: Ah.  The rarely used "WWF Smackdown" style foreshadowing device.

> MIKE: Speaking of part two this intermission is over.
All:  YESSSS! 
Jim: Woo hoo! The first line I've liked in thirty pages!
Ying: But that means we have to watch the rest of the fic.
(a pause)
All: D'OH!

> SERVO/CROW: Oh... poopie.
> DYNE: Isn't it spelled p-o-o-p-y?
> MIKE: Well that's the way WE spell it okay?!
> DYNE: Sorry...
(Garland and Alexis leave.)
Jim: Ah...so Dyne has a God Complex and a Self Masochist Complex?
Ying: No, that was a joke.
Jim: A joke? That?
Adol: Come on, guys.  Break.
Kirin: This would be a good time to go get a cheese sammich to hold yourself over, folks.
(the others leave) 

[switch to story mode]

The intercom beeped.  
CEO Nwabudike Morgan, idly looking at the stars beyond the wondow, turned impatiently and 
clicked on the receiver.  "Morgan."
"Good evening, sir.  Comptroller Fine reporting from the holotheater."
"Holotheater?  What are you doing there?
"You told me to let you know if something developed with the theatergoers."
"What theatergoers?"
"The people that you abducted from certain universes to suit your goal to find a psychological 
weapon more potent than Yoko Ono, sir."
"Oh, THOSE.  You could have said that earlier, Comptroller...erm..."
"Fine, sir."
"I'm fine too.  Thanks."
"No, CEO Morgan.  My NAME is Comptroller Fine."
"Ah..."
A pause.
"You DID want to hear this, sir?"
"Yes.  Go on."
"Well, they were released on the intermission break as scheduled at the midhalf.  That meant 
a thirty minute rest and relaxation period before re-entering, as recommended by the 
Forrester Act of K428.  It was a very poignant ending after that other MiSTing that..."
"What?"
"It was that scene with Mike Nelson, Crow and Tom Servo, characters from Mystery Science 
Theater 3000, on which this experiment you organized is almost an exact duplicate."
"In the story, right?"
"Right, sir.  As dictated in the synopsis that lab techs wrote for us."
"The ones that got nerve stapled after they stripped naked and shouted about their chi 
powers?"
"That same group, sir."
"Okay, I'm familiar now."
"Well, continuing, here's the stats.  The cardboard cutout is lying flat on one of the tables, 
groaning.  I guess in pain.  The sock puppet is nearby, and it looks like it's imbibing an 
obscene amount of the aspirin we laid out."
"The others?"
"The red-haired one is passed out in one of the corners.  The others are currently in the 
bathroom."
"Doing what?"
"Looks like...vomiting, sir."
A pause.
"Really?"
"Really."
"Comptroller Fine, give yourself a peanut cheese bar break on me."
"Why...thank you, CEO Morgan."

The channel was closed, and Morgan looked out his window again.  The stars were shining, and 
the subjects were in the throes of pure confusion and disorientation. 

This was only the beginning.  

[END FEED]

This story will be concluded in the explosive finale in Part Two.  Well, finale, anyway. 

Original Story by: Dyne 
Riffing by: Bodger, Darth Kirby, and R. Jak.
Main Editing by: R. Jak
Refreshments supplied by: R. Jak's mother 

Writing props are as follows: 
Opening by R. Jak, Darth Kirby, and Bodger.
First Skit ("Morgan Learns To Intimidate") By R. Jak
Second Skit ("Rules of FF Script Fiction") By Bodger 
Bookend ("What Experiment?") By R. Jak

View the homesites!

Bodger (bodgerkirin@hotmail.com)
http://bodger.homestead.com/files/MiSTingwebsite.html

Darth Kirby (georgebobolink@hotmail.com) 
http://www.angelfire.com/ak/captainoftheexplorer/mst4k.html

R. Jak (WYVERN5555@aol.com)
http://members.nbci.com/RipperJak/news.htm

and Dyne (paradised@yahoo.com)
http://members.xoom.com/davcole33

Copyright MultiMiST.  All respected rights reserved.  
All comments were satirical and were not aimed as a personal attack on the writer concerned.  
And we seriously mean that.  So stop taking potshots at us from the book depository. Really. 

\\ Red XIII: Holy crap! It's flying by farting! //