WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

The following host segments contain the following:

    - Gratuitous Plot Arcing
    - Overly Serious Undertones
    - REALLY dumb plot twists

You HAVE been warned. Readers under the age of 49 or with any taste in MiSTings whatsoever should not read this MiST.

This, of course, goes without saying with the MAT3K series.
 

********************
Beginning transmission...
MiSTing #15
MiSTed Fic: Nice Guy
MiSTing Status: Long-Winded
********************
 

[Fast Forward through crappy re-rendition of theme song]

Previously on MAT3K:

[Chibi Bodger gets pushed out on stage.]

C-Bodger: I shouldn't have to do this! I'm the freakin' SI! Er, I mean...

Voice: Give it up. Like anybody can't figure out you're the SD version of Bodger.

C-Bodger: Damn. Was it that obvious?

Voice: [muttering] Oh for the love of... [normal] Get on with it!

C-Bodger: Fine, fine. *ahem* Well, we've got these three author avatars in a satellite -- you know, characters which aren't actually the author themselves but are so blessed they might as well be? Anyway, they were being stored in a Satellite by *cough*me*cough* until *cough*I*cough* could actually find time to use them. In the meantime, they MiSTed fics along with an emergency MiSTing bot named Crow 2. Then, one day, *cough*I*cough* was fooled by the evil versions of the three avatars into thinking they were evil instructors, and thus *cough*I*cough* got booted up into the satellite with them --

Voice: And STOP COUGHING ALREADY!

C-Bodger: Grr... Anyway, so we're stuck. Then Joel Robinson accidentally contacted us via a ham radio while trying to contact the SoL with some new device of his. Unfortunately, the Mads were listening to the ham radio frequencies for reasons we may NEVER fathom and decided that if they could pick him up and drive him batty they'd win Mad of the Year, or something.

Anyway, stuff happens, and the SoA bumps into the SoL -- er, literally. Their fault! Really! More stuff happens, we get into regular contact with the SoL, and the dark version of our resident elf gets a vendetta on poor Joel. And that's the way it is.

Voice: And now, we continue...

SoA

It was silent on the Satellite of Avatars. WAS, of course, being the operative word. It was, naturally, quickly broken.

"PERRRRRRVEEEERRRRRRRTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!"

"OW! OW! GEEZ! I'M SORRY ALREADY! I'M -- OWWWW!!!"

Kirin looked up briefly from his newspaper. He was immediately greeted to the sight of Crow T. Robot II being chased into the bridge by a towel clad (and VERY pissed looking) Alexis Davenport. In her hands was a very nasty looking mallet; Kirin could only assume she'd found her way into hammer space again.

"Look, the bathroom was open, so I just figured I'd go in and take a whizz! Gee -- OWWW!"

"HA! Likely story! You don't even HAVE a urinary system! You goddamn pervert robot!" She whacked him with a swing that would've made Ken Griffey Jr. proud, sending him shooting down the hallway.

She would've pursued him had it not been for an arm held up by Kirin, playing the mediator as always. "Alexis. Chill."

She glared at him. He glared back. Then his vision fell and the glare shifted to a gape.

It was about then that Alexis suddenly remembered her state of undress.

"Er, um, that is to say..." She suddenly threw the hammer back into hammer space and dashed down the hall back into the bathroom, ignoring the wolf-whistles of the Chibis in the Bish room.

Kirin gulped and wiped away the trickle of blood from his nose. "That was... interesting..." he mused.

Hibichi walked in at that point. "Did I just see Alexis, uh..."

Kirin nodded.

Hibichi raised his eyebrows. "Wow. She's a real babe for an ice queen."

"Indeed."

"I HATE to interrupt your charming conversation," growled Bodger, entering the room, but did EITHER of you notice that Crow 2 wasn't moving?"

Kirin and Hibichi looked at each other. "Uh oh."

***

#She WHAT?!#

"Whacked him hard down the hall. He hasn't moved since." replied Kirin.

Joel sighed exasperatedly over the radio. #Didn't she realize that robots aren't indestructible? They can be damaged, you know.#

Alexis looked chagrined. "But I wasn't exactly thinking clearly at the moment. Besides, this place is like a cartoon -- I just figured he'd be up and at 'em in no time!"

#Even cartoons can be hurt. I should think you'd know that by now!#

"Wow, he actually sounds kinda pissed off," Hibichi muttered to Bodger.

"Well he should. I mean, in many respects when Alexis whacked Crow 2, she was whacking Crow as well. He loves his robots that way," Bodger sighed.

"And you would know, right Bod --" Kirin was interrupted by a fist in the stomach.

"Not now," Bodger hissed.

Alexis, for her part, actually looked downcast. In fact, for the first time in some months, she was looking almost... feminine. Kirin shook off the thought.

"I can try to repair him, but I could really work to improve him with your help, Joel," said Bodger.

"Yeah, like an OFF SWITCH," muttered Hibichi.

#Well, I'll help as best I can, Bodger. Always glad to--#

He stopped abruptly, startling the other inhabitants. "Joel?"

#UhlookgottagobestoflucktoyouBodger!#

The radio suddenly went dead.

"Joel? JOEL! Come on! We've already got ONE cliffhanger,thanks!"

"Damn! And now the Mads are calling! Could things get any worse?" growled Alexis.

The trio looked at each other. "Dumb question," they answered in unison.
 

Castle Flipside
 

Dark Alexis greeted them with a grim expression. "Well, boys and girls, seems like our resident psycho dark elf finally has Mr. Robinson in his sighs," she reported.
 

SoA
 

The avatars looked at each other nervously. "I'd've thought you'd be jumping for joy about that," commented Kirin coldly.
 

Castle Flipside
 

Dark Alexis scowled. "I may be a bitchy, homicidal ice queen, but I wouldn't wish a pissed-off Kirin on anybody. At any rate, though, he's forwarded this fic to us to keep you guys busy while he handles matters. It's called Nice Guy and it's an anti-fic targeted against, of all things, self-inserts. Choke on the bitterness, you dopes!" She sent the fic.
 

SoA
 

"Riiiiight..." Kirin didn't have a lot of time to ponder the logistics of this statement before the lights began to flash. "FANFIC SIGN!" The three remaining character avatars ran into the theater.
 

[Door Sequence:
   Door 6: It's a vault door, complete with combination lock.
    Door 5: Charge of the Avatar Brigade! Theirs was not to reason why, theirs was but to write SI. You wait till they pass.
   Door 4: The MST3K "meatball." You move backwards, triggering the closing of door one of the MST3K door sequence. You open that one and move on.
   Door 3: It's a boulder. You shout, "OPEN SESAME!" and it moves aside magically.
   Door 2: It's a transcript of episode 101: Nuku Nuku and the Werecabbit. You look at it, ponder the change in style, realize all the MAT3K MiSTings suck anyway and move on.
   Door 1: It's your average theater entrance.]

[Seated from L-R: Kirin, Alexis, Hibichi]

Kirin: Just like old times, eh guys?

HiPublished on FanFiction.Net

Alexis: HiPublished? He's not related to you at all, Hibichi, is he?
Hibichi: Hey! Not funny!
Kirin: I agree. I always thought he was related to the inventor of the Hibachi, myself.
Hibichi: And that's not funny either!

The distribution of this story is for personal use only.

Kirin: You know, as toilet paper, lining for the birdcage, etc. etc.

Any other form of distribution is prohibited without the consent of the author.

Hibichi: Kinda like sex, really. *WHACK!*

Title: Nice Guy
Author: D

Kirin: Ahh, the author's smiling at us. How sweet.
Alexis: I think that's his name.
Hibichi: Vampire Hunter, perhaps?

Hi!

All: Hello!

The origins behind this story are rather long and strange. In order not to traumatize some of the delicate members of the audience, I will be brief.

Alexis: Logically speaking, if you didn't want to traumatize people, you shouldn't have written this.
Kirin: Patience...

After reading some of the unmisted versions of the some of the people here, I almost went blind.

Hibichi: Yeah, those lemons will do that to you.
Alexis: ...Wait, this isn't a ref to... er...
Hibichi: You'll never know.

This is simply my way of dealing with pain, without resorting to violence or ether.

Kirin: Oh sure, take the BORING way out of it.

Disclaimer: All the characters portrayed here belong to their respective owners. Please do not sue

Alexis: [author] I hold no responsibility for this fic and am therefore not legally bound to it.

I wrote this to be misted, so all spelling/grammar and continuity errors are purely intentional.

All: ...
Hibichi: Wow, I think he's just given Alexis permission to riff the hell out of the grammar.
Alexis: [pouts] But dammit, he's sapped all the fun out of it!

Have fun
And now, on with show!

Kirin: o/~ Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale... o/~
Alexis: It's the I Love Lucy Show!
Hibichi: o/~ Piece of looooove... kagayakuto ki wo... o/~

Chapter 0: "In the not too distant future"…

Hibichi: Well if it's chapter zero, it doesn't exist! Well, that's the end of that.
Alexis: Nice try.

Some say evil is purely a product of the modern age, while others say it is merely a state of mind.

Kirin: And some say it's the latest perfume from Calvin Klein. We tend to ignore these people.

To the casual observer, this gathering tonight appears to be nothing more than some people sitting around and talking.

Alexis: More experienced viewers will discover that they really are, in fact, nothing more than some people sitting around and talking.

To the eagle-eyed observer, there is something far more sinister with the people in question.

Kirin: [eyes crowd] By the Gods, he's right! They're all Microsoft corporate executives!

Starting off from left to right: There is a lad, probably no more than 13 or 14, with a long-tailed white cat on his lap, and a blue-haired were-cat curled up at his feet.

Hibichi: It's the young Dr. Evil.

Both felines have a look of abject terror etched into both their faces.

Alexis: Quoth the Department of Redundency Department.
Kirin: [Cats] Oh no, we're in a fanfic! Heeeelp!

Next to him was a young man holding a bag and casting an arrogant sneer at anyone with made eye contact with him.

Hibichi: Don't worms work better for fishing?
Alexis: Anybody with eye contact still in construction got a rather amiable glance.

Next to him were two men, one who had flaming red hair, unbelievably thick glasses and was speaking in a thick tongue.

Kirin: Fat Bastard?
Hibichi: Not with the glasses.
Alexis: Wow, Woody Allen's been putting on the pounds.

His partner wore a faded army jacket, which failed to cover up his bulging gut.

Kirin: [Army Jacket Guy] Just means more of me to love, ladies.
Alexis: Girdles are apparently not this guy's friend.

The two were engaged in an animated conversation. Next to them was a nondescript man with a big blue dot covering his face.

Hibichi: Psst! Mr. Writer! That IS his face.
Kirin: That's one hell of a strange case of acne.

Next to him was a young woman wearing a futuristic military- style uniform.

Alexis: Which, knowing the minds of most sci-fi and anime artists, is practically nothing at all.
Hibichi: [grinning] Not that I mind.

Next to her, a shadow was cast onto the center chair, with only the occasional hand coming out of the darkness to let anyone there that a person was sitting there.

Alexis: [Dr. Claw] I'll get you next time, Gadget! Next tiiiiime!

Next to the darkness was what appeared to be a mutated monkey.

Alexis: King Kong!
Hibichi: Donkey Kong!
Kirin: Ross Perot!

On the left side of the simian, there was a man dressed in robes and carrying an oversized cross.

Kirin: That's going to give him back pains later in life.
Hibichi: ...Wolfwood?

Next to him was an average looking man, who was busy playing with a badly soiled doll.

Alexis: Tsk. A man his age, honestly...
Hibichi: His mother must not have broken the habit of bringing toys to the table.

Next to him was a man dressed in a tuxedo and fingering a rose.

Kirin: Ladies and gentlemen, our MC for the night.

In addition, rounding up this evil tea party was a woman (although some would laugh at the term) who had piecing green eyes, a highly pronounced brow, and a look of pure evil in her features.

Alexis: That would be my third grade teacher, then.
Kirin: Okay folks, if you haven't figured out who these guys are by now, you don't read enough MiSTings.

(I will introduce the characters in case my descriptions were sub par; from the beginning: Oscar, Adam Chris Leigh, Miles Buchann & Craig Thompson, Unknown, Marrissa Picard, "The Boss" more on him latter, Hatchi Matchi, Stephan Gohan, Robert Tsunami, Chris Cadwell, & Lin-Lin)

Hibichi: Otherwise known as the guardians of the gates of HELL.
Kirin: Only Pat Lee, David Gonterman and Kintaro "Amano" Freon could make this ensemble any more frightening.

We join the meeting, already in progress
ACL: Why am I here with you losers?, I just got my Flo-be back from the shop(he pats the bag) after that bimbo Mihoshi sat on it, and I….

Kirin: What IS a Flo-be anyway?
Hibichi: Don't know. Couldn't stomach Full Circle enough to find out.
Alexis: Oh please. You're making the punctuation errors WAY too obvious!

O: I agree. Why, my pets here could be giving me a tongue bath right now (both felines cringe at the words "tongue" and "bath")

All: EWWWWWW!!!
Alexis: Bad thought! Bad thought! Out of my head!

CT: Losers? You had better watch your damn mouth pretty boy…

Kirin: [Oscar] Well, pretty half-boy anyway.
Hibichi: Bleah!

Boss: QUIET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All: OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alexis: Geez, somebody's a touchy theater goer...

(the group quits down)

Alexis: Oh good, that means the computer's shut down for tonight. See you in the morning, guys! [She gets up.]
Kirin: Siddown, you...

thank you. Hey, can somebody turn on a light?

Hibichi: Sure can.
[Hibichi presses a button. An exit sign lights up temporarily, then turns off.]
Kirin: ...Never would've taken you for the physical humor type, kid.

thanks (the shadow disappears, reveling the organizer of this insidious affair to be none other than the presumed missing Dr. Larry Erhardt.!)

All: ...
Alexis: Guess the Eye Creatures must've snapped his brain.

Gentlemen, and ladies, the reason I gathered you all tonight is because of the one thing we all have in common.

Kirin: [Erhardt] Clog dancing!

Moreover, that thing my friends is this (he clicks a button, which revels a large picture of Mike Nelson & Dr. Clayton Forrester)

Alexis: [Erhardt] Whoops! Sorry, this was a photo from the cast party. Never mind.

All of our works have been made a mockery of thanks to these two.

Hibichi: [Erhardt] I INSISTED that Gandalf and Merry made a perfect couple, but they laughed at me! ME! Well, they'll soon pay! MWA HA HA HA!

What I propose is that we join forces and eliminate them. With them gone, I will release all of your works to public. Mass insanity will insure, and we will RULE THE WOLRD !MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAAH!!!

Alexis: Oh, good. Wouldn't want him to rule the WORLD, or anything.
Kirin: That's enough of that.
Hibichi: Ah, so THAT'S what an evil laugh looks like in Spanish.

Lin-Lin: Nicely put, but why kill Forrester? I thought he was your partner?

Hibichi: [Erhardt] Yeah, but we broke up. It was a pretty nasty split.

Dr. E: Was being the term. That fool left me to die, and he is not half the mad scientist I am.

Kirin: [Erhardt] He's three and three quarters!

So, we strike at 01900. First, we eliminate Dr. F, then we move up to the SOL. Who’s with me?

[All feign snoring sounds.]
Alexis: [Erhardt] ...should've taken an oration class.

The Avatars: (unison)AYE! (they all then brake down into their evil laughs)

[Alexis looks like she's about to burst]
Kirin: *sigh* Fine, fine.
Alexis: Brake down from what? Their maniacal laughter?
Kirin: Satisfied?
Alexis: Quite.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 1: "He worked at Gizmonic Institute"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hibichi: But found he got paid more at IBM.

Gizmonic Valley, 01800 hours.

Alexis: Otherwise known as 6:00 PM, for all you sad non-military time knowing morons.
Kirin: Which might include the author, seeing as there's five digits there...

[We see the camera scroll down the top of Pearl Mt. And into the wacky place known as Gizmonic Valley.

All: [swaying] o/~ It's time for Animaniacs, and we're zany to the max...o/~

We see a small church, a drive-in theater, Gizmonic Burgers (home of the Big G) and finally, the G-shaped headquarters of Gizmonic Institute, and Deep 13]]

Kirin: In other words, the Seasons One-through-Five opening sequence of MST3K.

[We see Dr. Clayton Forrester, wearing his usual lime green labcoat]

Hibichi: And a slightly more unusual pair of chartreuse jodphurs.

Dr. F: Oh, she’ll be here any minute! I hope, oh who am I kidding, of course everything will work out fine.

Alexis: That Dr. Forrester -- always such an optimist.
Kirin: This explains how he could keep up an experiment for seven years despite having absolutely no progress whatsoever.

Frank? Have you prepared yourself for our foreign buyers?

Hibichi: Wow! His finances were so bad he had to sell Frank!

[TV’s Frank enters. He is wearing a very formal suit]

Alexis: o/~ He's getting married in the morning! Ding dong, the bells are gonna chiiiiime... o/~

TVF: Sure thing Dr. Forrester.
DR.F : Good. The representative from the Daitokuji Corporation should be here any minute now. (We hear the elevator rumble, the doors open, and there stands B-ko Daitokuji) Ah, Ms. Dai-

Kirin: -sy? I was just about to drive you here!
Hibichi: He's selling out to B-ko? He MUST be hard up.

B-ko: Spare me any pleasantries Dr. Forrester. The heads of Gizmonic have already sold their shares of the company, but this "Deep 13" does not seem to be a part of the company. My father is curious about this, and I am here to decide whether or not we buy you along with he rest your group, or if we kick you into the street.

Kirin: [B-ko] Preferably both.
Hibichi: Honey, you need to kick him to the curb!

Dr.F: (unnerved) Ah, yes, well all right then. I’ll show my greatest work yet, the
B-ko: Get on with it!

Alexis: Jeez, talk about impatient. He can't even give her the name of the bloody thing.
Kirin: [Dr. F] All right, but I first want to give you the full development history of this project...
Hibichi: [B-ko] ARRRRGGH!

TVF: Sir? There is an unidentified craft in our airspace what should I –

Hibichi: [TV's Frank] Oh wait, it IS identified. Never mind.

Dr.F : Shut up Frank! Now, Ms. Daitokuji, before we were interrupted-
(Suddenly, a wall caves in. The three people in Deep 13 take cover. Out of the smoke comes Dr. Erhardt, ACL, Miles & Craig)

Alexis: And enter the SI team.
Kirin: Hey Murdock!

Dr. E: Miss me Clay?
Dr. F: Larry, so good to see again, Frank call security.

Hibichi: [Dr. F] Frank good friend of mine. Larry sit down for cup of tea? Time for go to bed.

Dr. E: No need for that Clay. My friends here have completely taken over the complex.

Kirin: What do they need that for? They've got a complex all their own.
[Rimshot.]

Dr. F: "Friends?" who (takes notice of the three) what? Why are you helping him?

Alexis: [Dr. E] Bad debts. I'm telling you, I practically OWN these guys now.
Hibichi: [Adam Chris Leigh] Those dice were rigged, I tells ya! Rigged! OW!
Alexis: [Dr. E] Silence, peon!

ACL: because all you did was mock our greatness!
M&C: YEAH!

Hibichi: [Gerald] What we are is peeved, pecked, put out, riled, ruffled, and vexed! Ain't we, Max?
Kirin: [Max] Irritated. Yeah.

Dr. F: but that was those boobs on the Satellite, beside if you had made your stories worse, I would have crushed the lot of them!

Alexis: Yeah. Uh huh. Okay, insult their works while standing in front of some of the most omnipotent fictional characters around. Let's tell some 'yo' mama' jokes while we're at it and eliminate that slim possibility they're NOT going to blast you into atoms, shall we?
Kirin: Easy girl...

Dr E: SILENCE!!!! Clay, old buddy, here’s what I am going to do. My friends here will stay here and keep you 3 from doing anything rash,

Kirin: [Dr. E] We're spraying you with hydrocortizone.
Alexis: ...ow.

while I lead the rest of my forces against the SOL! And there is nothing you can do to stop me! MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Dr. F: oh yea! We’ll see,araghhh! Can’t………move!

Hibichi: [Spider-Man] Must... talk like... Shatner!

DR.E: oh, I should mention this. You see, my assocs. all have "Auras of Smooth" So you will do whatever they want you to do. Understand?

Hibichi: [Dr. F] I'm not going to bed with you, Larry. *WHACK!*
Alexis: That's wrong on a number of levels.

(Dr. F nods, TV’s Frank sweats, and B-ko looks as if she is going to castrate the lot of them)

Kirin: [B-ko] Deal's off, Forrester.
Hibichi: [Dr. F] D'OH! Oh, thanks ever so much Larry.

Dr. E: so long! Marissa, one to beam out (Insert cheesy SFX)

Alexis: I hardly think Brian Dennehy is going to help this fic much.
Hibichi: Uh, there's a "S" there.
Alexis: Oh. Well, the point's still valid.

Craig: (swaggers over to B-ko) Hey baby, want to par-ty with a real man? (he starts to run his hand over her stocking covered legs)

Kirin: [B-ko] Actually, I am. Know where I can find one?
Hibichi: [Craig] Screw you too, lady.

Adam, scope this place out, & see if you can find any beer, ok?
ACL: why should I? (Craig whips out a Desert Eagle and points it at Adam’s eye)

Kirin: As opposed to his apple?
Alexis: o/~ When a gun hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's amoré... o/~

Beer, right. OK, no problem.(He slinks off)
TVF: ( thinking to himself) NO! can’t allow this. Must…Push…THE…..Button

Kirin: [TV's Frank] Or... ELSE the MASTER... will NOT... be... PLEASED...

(Frank topples over, and smashes his head onto the control panel. Luckily, his head hits the right one)

Hibichi: He always did have a good head on his shoulders.
Alexis: See Kirin? THAT'S how you do a pun.
Kirin: Bite me.
[Hibichi just grins]

Chapter 2: How about some Hot Chocolate?

Alexis: Sorry. Hot chocolate season doesn't really hit till winter. Thanks for offering, though!
Hibichi: What a nice fic.

(We see ACL entering a small room)

Kirin: Wow. I would've thought his ego wouldn't fit through the doorway.

Adam: Lousy SOB’s I’ll-what the Hell? (we hear a small scampering sound) Who’s there?

Alexis: It's Kiki!
Hibichi: [Kiki] Stay good, Adam, stay good!

I’m going to open my Flo-be on your piddley ass right now If you don’t come out right now! Uh?(we see several tiny men, not much taller than 5 in., running about.

Alexis: Somebody seems to be using D's computer to play Army Men again.
Kirin: Aww, just like a bunch of little Rory Calhouns.

They all resemble Bruce Campbell)

Hibichi: Groovy.

BC1: Ready Men? FIRE!(the Campbells have loaded a regular-sized shotgun and have pointed it at ACL)

Kirin: [Bruce Campbells] Hand over your lupins!

[the blast tears a basketball sized hole through ACL’s stomach]

All: ...
Kirin: Okay, I hate Mary Sues and Gary Stus as much as anybody, but that's just a WEE bit over the top.
Hibichi: [looking ill] Aw man...

Adam: Urk!(falls Dead)

Alexis: Yes, but is it EVIL dead?

BC1: How did ya like that? Alright men, move out!(the men brake into two groups. The first one runs along the wall, the second climbs up it, and onto a saffoding suspending from the ceiling)

Kirin: Saffoding succotash!

The 2 Avatars hear the noise.
C: What was that? Miles, go check it out before I lose my chubby with the ice queen hear.(B-ko looks homicidal)
Miles runs into the Campbells

All: OUCH!

M: What? By Sweet Mother McGreey and her 17 Whoring dogs, what by me Lucky charms of the Loch is that? Little People?

Alexis: Well, he's officially offended the Irish.
Hibichi: Not to mention the Scottish.
Kirin: Not to mention us.

BC1:We prefer "vertically challenged". Charge!!!!!(the Bruces swarm over Miles, much like piranha do to an ox)

Hibichi: And he knows this by personal experience?
Kirin: See, this is why they don't let him herd cattle in South American plantations anymore.

Miles: Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alexis: [Miles] ...screeeeeeamyooooooouuuuuscreeeeeeaaaamweeeeeaaaaaallscreeeeaaaaaaamfoooriceeeecreeeeam!
Kirin: That's not good for your keyboard, D.

C: what? Damn it Miles what is it now? Wha?
(Miles staggers in, covered in blood)M: The, the little people me boyo. O’ by me blue moon, green clovers, and purple horseshoes ‘twas the horror !(falls down in a pool of his blood, vomit, and urine)

Hibichi: Ulp... [looks decidedly green]
Kirin: Sounds like a normal night down at the clubs.

C: Miles!(The Bruces show up)

Kirin: [Bruces] This 'ere's Bruce, this is Bruce, this is Bruce, and this is Bruce.
Hibichi: [Bruce] Is your name not Bruce then?
Kirin: [Craig] Uh, no, it's Craig.
Hibichi: [Bruce] Well, that's a bit confusing. Mind if we call you Bruce just to keep it clear?
Alexis: Oh brother.

I’ll get you, you little bastards!(starts stomping at them)London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down, London Bridge is falling down

Kirin: He never struck me as the type for nursery rhyhmes.
Hibichi: Maybe that's as far as his education took him.

(as he corners one of them, the Bruce pulls out an antipersonnel mine and tosses it under Craigs foot) BOOM! Ah! My leg!

Alexis: Nice Guy: so cheap, the avatars had to provide the sound effects themselves.

BC’s: My Fair Lady!

Hibichi: [Bruce] Oooh! Damn! That's on AMC right now! Let's move out, boys!

(with all three Avatars dead or out of it, B-ko, TV’s Frank, & Dr. F are freed from the Aura Of Smooth)

Kirin: *ahem* THE AURA OF SMOOTH DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY! IT'S AN ABILITY WHICH MAKES EVERYBODY FALL IN LOVE WITH THE AVATAR! THANK YOU!
Alexis: Feeling a bit touchy, Kirin?

B-ko: Revenge is Mine! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA (tear off her suit to revel her battlesuit)

Hibichi: The fanfic appears to have turned into a porno mag.
Kirin: Remove the clothes for hours of fun!
Alexis: Don't YOU start.

Now DIE!(hits Craig with all of her weapons at full force)[there is now a greasy stain where Craig once was]

Kirin: [Dr. Nick] And remember! If you're not sure whether or not something is fattening, just rub it on a sheet of paper! If it turns clear, it's your ticket to weight gain!
Hibichi: [queasy] Ooooh...

We see the second group of Campbells on the ceiling

Alexis: Fine time to be impersonating Gene Kelley.

BC2:Would ya look at that. Acres and acres of female flesh! I can’t stand it anymore!

Kirin: [Bruce] She's got HUUUUUUGE... tracts of land!

Give Daddy some sugar!(he dives off, and lands right the middle of B-ko’s cleavage)

[Kirin & Hibichi hold up signs which say, respectively, 9.7 and 9.9.]
Alexis: Hmm ... Bruce Campbell in one's cleavage... mwah...
Kirin: Snap out of it.

B-ko: Ack! (starts rolling on the floor)

Alexis: I think that's for fires, B-ko.
Hibichi: Well, SOMEBODY'S heated up, at least... *WHACK!*

TVF: Does this mean we won’t be bought out? (looking at B-ko rolling around)

Kirin: [TV's Frank] Well, I suppose we could always charge admission for THAT, if we we're hard up for cash...

Dr. F: No Frank, but don’t worry, I ‘ll just sell your brain to GENOM.
TVF: oh, ok.(looks fine, then the truth hits him. He get a worried look on his face)

Alexis: That's only 'cause he heard their stocks were in the toilet ever since that whole Angel thing.

As much as I wold like to stay and watch B-ko’s predicament, we will have to leave and go up to the SOL and see how the rest are making out.

Hibichi: ...Nope. Too easy.

Chapter 3: But His Bosses didn’t like him so they shoot him into Space…..

Kirin: And he, like, dies.

Space. 1901 hours (sorry, don’t know military time)

Alexis: 7:01 PM, apparently.
Hibichi: See, the key thing to do is BLUFF it.

(we see Mike Nelson talking to the two bots, Crow T. Robot & Tom Servo)
M: Anyway, I still think Gerber’s Howard the Duck was his best work
T: Come on and pull the other one Nelson!
C: What would he pull?

Kirin/Alexis: NOOOOOOO!!! IT'S THE SATELLITE OF LOVE FROM AVALANCHE VS. SAILOR MOON AGAIN!!!
Hibichi: ...Riiiiiight.

T: Shut up! The point is, that the Defenders was obviously Gerbers best! All the unexpected plot twists, and the dialogue, it was his shining moment! And there was no half-witted movie based on it!

Kirin: Can we just skip to the "Thumbs up/thumbs down" bit please, Ebert and Roeper? Sheesh.

M: Tom, I think your taking this too far ( a explosion is heard and the lights black out for a second)What was that? Quick, Cambot give Rocket Number Nine!

Alexis: [Cambot] But Rocket's not finished with numbers one through eight, sir!

( we see a ship that bears a passing resemblance to the Enterprise –D. It is writing "We got our arses handed to us by a bunch of Avatars" on the hull)

Kirin: Well, at least it has nice penmanship.

The bridge of the ship(we see Marissa Picard and the Kids crew)

Hibichi: Or we WOULD, if this weren't a text-based format.

MP: Greetings puny adults. This is Admiral Picard of the Enterprise. Prepare to be boarded. Surrender or be destroyed.
SOL
Mike, Tom, Crow, & Gypsy: We give up!
MP: what was that? You wish to fight to the death?

Alexis: Wow, talk about hearing what you wanna hear.
Hibichi: [Mike] No, no, we said, "We give up!"
Kirin: [Marrissa] What was that? "Marrissa Picard is really hot?" Why thank yew!
Hibichi: [Mike] That's not it either!
Kirin: [Marrissa] Why yes, I WOULD like some Strawberry Juice!
Hibichi: [Mike] ...the hell with it.

Very well. Engage the secret weapon, and send the attack team over!
Meanwhile, in other part of the system

Hibichi: ...A fight for humor being fought?
Alexis: Ow! My grammar headache!

We see a HUGE wing shaped ship. It is gray, with the words "Robinson’s" written on it.

Kirin: Come to Robinsons for the best Klingon G'rak in the Galaxy!
Hibichi: And once again, foreshadowing is beaten into us with a large SUV.

Zoom in, through the decks, until we come to a large board room. There are several people sitting there, but all we see are their outlines

Alexis: You know, I'd really like to find out who does their lighting.

Voice 1: Blast! They have engaged their "Ratliff" device.
Voice 2: It means we can’t beam anyone over. We’ll have to engage them in ship to ship combat.
Voice 3: But what about my friends? We can’t just leave unguarded, besides, the Avatars have probably already sent some people in.

Hibichi: [Voice 2] Oh, they're screwed then.
Kirin: [Voice 3] HEY!

Voice 1: Don’t worry Mr. Robinson, we’ll get your friends out of there. It’ll be tricky But I think we can do it. Thankfully, we have been working on our own "Ratliff device".

Alexis: Since when did Will Robinson become pally with the Satellite of Love?
Kirin: Actually, I think he's talking to Anne Robinson.
Alexis: ...but she's a woman.
Kirin: How can you tell?
Alexis: ...Kirin, you know what? Shut up.

Hopefully, the device will warp some people here who capable of dealing with even the most extreme Avatars. Doc, why don’t you explain?

Hibichi: Uh oh. Technobabble alert.

(Doc enters. He is wearing a bright yellow labcoat)

Alexis: o/~ Bananas in pajamas are coming down the stairs...o/~

Doc: Berty well.You see. All yiy do conctraintraite and out you will poop out into the ship, but first we must get someone from outside this dimenision. That is were if to get someone from the outside,they shoud be abke tro break the device’s walls, disable the Avatars, resuce your friends, then we move in and disaknbe the other side. Understand?

All: ...
Kirin: Oooookay...
Hibichi [Jackie Chan] Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?

(the others look at him slack-jawed)

All: Derrr ...

Voices: Um, ok, sure.
Robinson: Then lets get our device ready.

Alexis: It's not gonna be a plot device, is it?
Kirin: Okay, don't you DARE make comments like that and accuse me of making bad puns.
Hibichi: [Dr. Light] Item-3 finished! Get your devices ready!

We leave the ship as a beam of energy shoots out, pierces the force field around the SOL.

Hibichi: How sharp.
Alexis: Wow, it's contagious.

Inside the Satellite of Love
T: Guys? I’m scared.
M: We all are Tommy, we all are.

Kirin: That's the beauty of MST3K: it always makes such INSIGHTFUL comments.

C: You got a plan Mike?
M: No, what about you Gypsy?(We hear the Avatars coming up the hallway)
G: Yay, RUN LIKE HELL!!!! (they all run down a different corridor)

All: Yaaaaay! We're running like hell! Whoopee!
Kirin: Say, how do you suppose Joel's doing?
Hibichi: Yeah, I wanna find out if he's alright! And I wanna see Crow 2 too!
Alexis: Well, what the heck...

[They exit the theater.]

[Door Sequence: 1-2-3-4-5-6]

A plethora of odd bits and bobs liberally dotted the area surrounding Bodger as she sat in the middle of the room, lost in her work. The three avatars stared in amazement at the sheer amount of parts.

"Are these ALL Crow 2's?" asked Alexis in amazement.

"Nn-hnnh," replied Bodger, an odd part held in her mouth as she fiddled with some wiring.

"Good Lord." Hibichi picked up a random part.

"How the hell did he fit all of this in him? It's not like he had that much volume on him to begin with," queried Kirin, raising an eyebrow incredulously.

Bodger looked haughty. "Never underestimate a mechanical genius, my dear Kirin," she replied. "A true robotic master is an expert in efficiency."

"Uh huh. This from the girl who takes twenty minutes to load the soap bottles," replied Kirin dryly.

"Shut up. I'm telling you, nobody could've figured out how to fill that soap bottle properly." She turned back to her work, grumbling.

While Alexis looked around in wonder at the various bits and pieces that were at one time a sarcastic, slightly mopey robot, Kirin walked to the ham radio on the console and attempted contact. "SoA to Joel! SoA to Joel Robinson! Can you copy?"

A large amount of static was the reply, worrying Kirin to a great extent. "SoA to Joel! Please respond!"

More static, and then...

#Joel Robinson, over. I'm really kinda busy, guys...#

"Yeah, yeah, we know that, Joel, but when you just kinda buzz out on us like that we're gonna be a LITTLE worried," Kirin interrupted. Behind him, Alexis picked up a small McDonalds Transformer's toy which had been in Crow 2's system, looking at it with confusion.

#Hey, nice to hear, guys, but I can't talk now. Don't worry, though, I've got a few tricks up my -- *boooom!*#

His voice was drowned out by a large explosion. "JOEL!" Hibichi shouted, pained.

#fzzzz... ry about that! Gotta fly!#

A clicking sound indicated that Joel had turned off the ham radio. Bodger sat up, staring teary-eyed at the ceiling.

"Oh Joel, if only we could be down there to help you! Damn this stupid satellite!" she shouted overdramatically.

All were quiet for awhile, then... "A bag of holding?"

Alexis peered into the large sack which had been part of Crow 2's system. "Jesus, there's like fifty billion RAM chips in here!"

Bodger, in standard bipolar mode, suddenly perked up. "Yep! Fits compactly in, and allows him to eat whenever! Ain't it great?"

The others smiled awkwardly. "But what happens to the ones which are baked into things?" asked Alexis at a length.

"Look, it's a long and complicated process, and I'm really busy right now. Go back in, will ya?" Bodger growled.

The others looked at each other, shrugged, sighed, and returned to the theater, questions remamining unresolved.

[Door Sequence: 6-5-4-3-2-1]

[They sit down.]

Hibichi: She only said that because she can't remember, huh?
Alexis: Probably.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Chapter 4: Robot Roll Call
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Kirin: R2D2!
Alexis: Terminator!
Hibichi: Alphonse!
Kirin: Data!
Alexis: Robbie!
Hibichi: Weltall!

We see Crow running (sorta of) down a hallway. He trips, bends one of his legs, and he is trapped!

Kirin: Ah crap, we're stuck in an 80's slasher movie.

Stephan Gohan enters.

Hibichi: When Dragonball Z characters attack!

SG: So, foul minion of Hades, we at last meet.
C: Wait, what did I ever do to you?

Kirin: [Gohan] What HAVEN'T you done to me? You tiger, you...
[Alexis slaps Hibichi.]
Hibichi: OW! What did I do?
Alexis: Oh, sorry. Force of habit.
Hibichi: ...Ever heard of Pavlov, Alexis?

SG: You are a thing without a soul! You encourage naughty thoughts in your fellow man! Therefor, you are a thing of evil, now prepare to meet your master in Hell!

Alexis: [Crow] No no no, you want the FANDOM Crow. I'm just the regular Crow.
Kirin: [Gohan] Oh. I beg your pardon, then.

(Suddenly a plot contrivance portal opens up and a person drops out.

Kirin: Hey! Don't go dumping your trash just helter-skelter here!
Hibichi: [Person] Here we are at last at SUNNY HONOLULU!

She is wearing thigh high leather boots, leather thong bikini, and a halter top which just barely contains her massive breasts. That’s right, it’s everybody’s 2nd favorite magic user, Naga the Serpent)

Hibichi: Mwaaa ...
Kirin: So who's the first? Harry Potter?

N: Where in all the seven Hells? Who are you?

Alexis: [Eartha Kitt] o/~ I'm just an old fashioned girl with an old-fashioned mind ...o/~

SG: I. I, (he gets a nosebleed)

Kirin: Aye aye, cap'n!
Alexis: Most people just get seasick...

I kick ass for the Lord! (He pulls out a oversized cross)

Kirin: Cripes! It's the Bishop!

I shall smite thee as well whore!

Alexis: You know, you just don't see enough of the word "smite." Perfectly good term, that. We need to launch a campaign to get that word back into common usage.
Kirin: Hmm, yes. "Smite."
Alexis: "Smite."
Hibichi: What the heck are you two on?

N: (cocks an eyebrow) Really? How do you plan to do that?

Kirin: [Gohan] With Smitemore! Yes, Smitemore, now with new improved divine cleaning strength!

SG: With this!(he swings his cross, but its too heavy, and falls over)

Alexis: *CRASH! tinkle tinkle*
Kirin: [Gohan] Damn cheap Made-in-Taiwan giant crosses...

N: (Greatly Amused) OHOHOHOHOHHOOHOHHHOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHHOHO!

Hibichi: WAAAH!
[The others stare at him]
Hibichi: You guys have really ruined me, y' know that?
Kirin: I think you did it to yourself.

SG: ( blood shoots out of his ears)

Kirin: Must be the new ad for Barbershop College.

Aragh! Witch! Thou have rendered me unable to hear!(he grabs his area) and made me sterile too!

Alexis: Stephen Gohan IS Michael Jackson in Thriller.
Kirin: That explains a lot.

You are evil incarnate! (slams his cross into Naga’s stomach)

Hibichi: You have to do that a little lower, Gohan! *WHACK!*

N: Ouch! That’s it! FIREBALL!(She roasts Gohan alive)

Kirin: Nutritious and delicious.
Alexis: Good with a side of potatoes.
[Hibichi sinks further into his seat.]

well that was fun, but I still don’t know where I am (notices Crow laying there) What?

Hibichi: [Crow] I didn't say anything!
Alexis: [Naga] Yeah, right. You men are all the same.

C: Hi! Crow T. Robot, pleased ta meet ‘tcha.
N: Oh! Kawaii! (she grabs Crow and smothers him between her breasts)

Kirin/Hibichi: Mwaa...
Alexis: Is this gonna be a trend?

C: ;-)

Alexis: I don't think I can ever fully accept the smiley as a viable form of grammar.
Hibichi: You say that NOW, but wait twenty years down the line and I SWEAR they'll be an entry for ";-)" in the Oxford dictionary.
Alexis: I'd be annoyed if that wasn't so depressingly likely.

(They wander off together)

Kirin: Where they get into all SORTS of wacky predicaments!

Hope you enjoyed that,

Alexis: Not in the slightest, but nobody listens to me anyway.
Kirin: It's a man's life in the fanfiction archives.

but now lets go over to the well read chick magnet of the SOL, Tom Servo, and see how he is doing

Alexis: Probably smothered between Angelina Jolie's breasts, judging by the trend in this fic.
Kirin: No need to be bitter.

We see Tom floating down into the bowels of the ship.

All: Ewww...
Hibichi: That's not a good mental image, D.

T: Hmm, this is where Crow dug that hole in the ship.( a feline form pounces on him)

Kirin: Shear Kahn, no!

AHHHHHHH! I mean, Do your worst! I’m not running anymore!

Alexis: [Tom] Sorry, sorry, forgot my line there for a moment.

Wait, do I know you?
(the feline who pounced on him is none other than Felica)

Alexis: Yes, THE Felica! [to others] Who?
Kirin: Sounds like the name of a Toyota pick-up truck.

F: Help me! Please! I can’t take the pain anymore! Just kill us both before he comes down here.

Kirin: [Tom] If you insist. [Mimes firing a gun.] That's one less gratuitous character insertion, anyway.

T: No, Don’t worry, I have a cunning plan.(they hide)

Kirin: [Baldwick] I wouldn't put too much merit into it. My family's not got a good history with cunning plans.

O: oh pets o mine where are you? You don’t want to punished again, do you?

Hibichi: [muttering] In the name of the moon...
Alexis: [Oscar] Don't make me send you into the corner again!

(we hear several moist sounds coming from the sound of Oscars voice)

Kirin: Ewww... even his voice masturbates.
Alexis: KIRIN!
Kirin: Look, this MiSTing's rated R as it is...

T: get behind those crates, I’ll take care of him

Hibichi: [Felicia] Nooo, I want you to kick his ass, not nurture him!

(Oscar enters the room, he is still in his normal, human form)
T: hey sailor, want some real p----?( Tom wearing a catsuit)

Kirin: How do they get that on him? Wait, I don't want to know, I'm sure.
Alexis: Some real putty? Some real phone?

O: Baby! Where have you been all my life!

Hibichi: [Tom] On the Satellite of Love -- I mean ...

T: Waiting for you(Tom cuts the power to his hover skirt and falls on top the helmet) To DIE!

Kirin: Tom really hasn't been getting enough TLC lately.

(Tom files up, taking the helmet with him)

All: HAI-KEEBA!
Alexis: Aw, he was just waiting for an excuse to steal that.

O: HUH? Shack Kick!( he does a flying kick, misses, and lands crotch first over the hole)

Kirin: Y'know, it's really healthier to squat over the latrine, Oscar.
Hibichi: Oh no no no, don't go there...

Yipe! Sagjin transform !(He starts to change, but due to the contrivance field, he can’t break free. The sucking sound is now coming from him.

Alexis: I think that sucking sound has been kinda present throughout this whole fic, frankly.

There is a look of pure pleasure on Oscars face, then horror, then pain. Then his eyes balls roll up in his head and get sucked out through his body.

Kirin: Kinda like a reverse version of those ugly-ass squeeze toys you used to see as a kid.
Hibichi: [sinks further into his seat] No more, please...

His body deflates somewhat, but it keeps the hole blocked)

Alexis: Try Liquid Draino for stuff like this.
Hibichi: Ulp... [sinks out of sight]

T: You two alright?
(Felicia and Artemis come out, they are both weeping)

Kirin/Alexis: [Felicia/Artemis] We wanted that hat!

F&A: THANK YOU!! We’re free, the nightmare is over! Happy Happy! Joy Joy!

Kirin: The parts of Felicia and Artemis will be played by Ren and Stimpy, respectively.
Alexis: Hey, Kirin, I think Hibichi's had about all he can take.
Kirin: What makes you say that?
Alexis: Well, he's kinda liquified on the floor.
Kirin: Huh? [Looks down] Ew! [Pulls feet up.]
Alexis: I'll see if I can find an instant plot device in the storage room. [Leaves]
Kirin: Make sure to check the expiration date this time! [turns to audience] There's something about being a horned toad that just puts you off food for a week.

T: No thanks necessary, but could one of you please get this catsuit off of me? I have the urge to to take a hot shower.

Kirin: [Tom] Followed by a cold one. Yoicks!

(Tom and Co. wander off to search for the others)

Kirin: Tom and Co. -- finding your loved ones since 1995.

Looks like Tom made out ok, but what about Cambot?

Kirin: And what about Scarecrow's brain?
[Alexis returns.]
Alexis: Instant plot device!
Both: [dully] Just add water. [Alexis drops it on Hibichi's liquified body. He rematerializes, looking suspiciously like a Japanese Arnold Schwartzenegger.]
Hibichi: [in Japanese] Sa-weet.
Kirin: Don't let it get to your head, kid.

He’s just as important to the crew, yet he barley gets any chance to be in the spotlight.

Alexis: Leaving his oats and his wheat behind to wallow in obscurity! The horror!

So let’s see how he is faring, ok?

Kirin: Better yet, let's just let them fend for themselves and go get some Doritos instead.

We see Cambot sliding along the floor. He slides into a young lady, who has red hair, a black cloak, and a red outfit.

Alexis: When interdimensional travelling technology goes horribly, horribly wrong.

That’s right, it’s the cutest and the best mage around, Lina Inverse!

Kirin: Phooey. I was banking on Gillian Anderson.
Hibichi: Well, I don't mind...

LI: Where am I? I knew I shouldn’t have listened to that guy with the bandanna

Alexis: Yeah, listening to Willie Nelson's advice is NEVER a good idea.

(takes notice of Cambot) What are you? You don’t look like anything I have seen before, I

Kirin: ...AM the cheese.
Alexis: ...am a camera!
Hibichi: ...am BOB! SON OF SEPHIROTH!
[Kirin and Alexis stare at him.]
Kirin: You've been doing outside research again, haven't you?
Hibichi: I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. But say, Alexis, when's the honeymoo -- GAACK!
[Alexis has grabbed Hibichi by the throat and is strangling him ala Homer to Bart.]
Kirin: Easy, you two.

(Robert Tsunmai enters)RT: well, hello little girl, would you like some candy?

Alexis: [Tsunami] Got Jujubes, Starburst, Goobers... take yer pick!

LI: (dosen’t notice Cambot curling up the corner and shaking) Not really. Hey mister, do you know of a way out of hear?
RT: No, but would like to suck on my lolli?

Hibichi: [Lina] Not after it's been in your mouth! Eww, cooties.

LI: No thanks, I think I’ll be leaving now (backs up)

Kirin: [Truck] Beep, beep, beep...

RT: you can’t do that, now be a good girl, (he grabs Linna’a arm) and suck on my..

Alexis: ...eggs! No, that still doesn't work.
Kirin: Oh, he must've meant lolli-CON. [Pause.] Ew.

LI: I AM NOT A GIRL! I’m am 18 years old, the best bandit killer around, the world’s greatest sorceress Lina Inverse and I HATE PERVERTS!

Alexis: [Lina] I also like long walks on the beach and romantic mushy poetry. Er, best you ignore that.

DRAGON SLAVE!!!(RT, along with the next eight decks of the SOL, disappears in a blaze of light)

Kirin: Which opened a hole in the SOL, sucking everybody out and killing them all. The end.
Hibichi: Irritated much, Kirin?

LI: Hey, (she turns to Cambot) do you know your way around here?
(Cambot bobs his head "yes")
LI: Then lets go (they walk off)

Alexis: Pity. If the writer had negotiated their contract better, that wouldn't have happened.
Kirin: We'll retire that joke one day, folks... just not yet.

Cool isn’t it?

Hibichi: Actually it's a little warm, and kinda humid, really.

Crow is having fun, Tom is safe, and now Cambot’s alright.

Kirin: Too bad the same couldn't be said for the audience.

Now lets check in on the one person who really runs things,

Alexis: Jim Mallon?

Gypsy!

Alexis: Oh.

She usually runs the higher functions of the ship, but do too the Ratliff device, she is now using 100% of her functions.

Hibichi: Which is good, because she's had to go to the bathroom for ten years now and was totally incapable of doing so.

The device is now the only thing keeping the ship together, and making sure the crew doesn’t suffocate.

Kirin: That, and slowly pumping Ratliff gas into the Satellite. I feel sorry for Mike already.
Alexis: You ARE getting dark.

We see Gypsy slinking along the floor, we she runs into a battle suit, piloted by none other than Unknown!

Hibichi: Well, if it's unknown, how do we know it's one of a kind?
Alexis: The Unknown soldier strikes again.

G: Do I know you?
U: no. I get that a lot.

Kirin: [Gypsy] You know, for some odd reason, you remind me of my Uncle Oscar...

Now die!( he shoots an electro-magnetic pulse at her)
G: No! Ahhh! (collapses in a heap)

All: Oh, BOO!
Kirin: I am just shocked.
Alexis: I elect-we-fry the bastards!
Hibichi: I know! I mean, watt's up with this stuff?
[The avatars all suddenly jump at once, as if shocked.]
Bodger: [Offsides] Stop with the crappy puns already! And besides, electro-magnetics are a TOTALLY different matter from electricity, you dumbasses!
Kirin: One of these days I'm soundproofing that door.

U: I wonder how the other Avatars are doing? Haven’t been able to reach them. They are probably ok.

Kirin: Now now, Unknown, you know what they say about assuming...
Hibichi: ... which is?
Kirin: ... I'll tell you later.

( he hears footsteps) Who goes there?
(we see a man step out of the shadows. He has white hair and is wearing a S-mart Pharmacy outfit with a bandoiler strapped across his chest.

Kirin: Steve Martin got a job at a pharmacy? Geez, that guy needs to find new work fast.

He’s Roy G. Biv, adventurer)

Alexis: Yes! Roy G. Biv! That wonderful adventurer! [pause] Never heard of him.
Hibichi: And BACKWARDS, that spells "Vib G. Yor!" There's your useless fact for the day, folks.

RGB: End of the line, pal. ( He pulls out 2 guns, and fires two beams of green energy at unknown)

Kirin: The name of this target has been obscured to protect the idiot.

U: What the Hell? No!, No!, NOOOO!, glub, glub.(we see the blue dot on his face slowly turn brown)

Hibichi: ... ewww ...
[The huge muscles deflate, revealing Hibichi's usual physique.]
Kirin: You really don't have much of a taste for the tasteless, do you kid?
Alexis: [Glancing around the screen] They must have the mother of all tanning lamps set up somewhere around there.

RGB: How did you like my bowl-disrupter?

Alexis: [Unknown] Terrible! You made me spill my Grape Nuts, cad!

How are you doing, miss?
G: (still fried from the EMP) ohh, Richard Basehardt?

Kirin: And here's Gypsy, our Freudian ideal.

RGB: Not quite. Cmon, let’s get you to safety.
Heart-wrenching ain’t it?

Hibichi: I wouldn't say HEART wrenching. Maybe "stomach-wrenching," or certain other parts of the male anatomy...

We have seen the bots, now lets check in on Mike.

Alexis: Last I heard, he was jamming with Raphael, Donatello and Leonardo down in the sewers.

Looks like he’s in bit of a jam.

Kirin: Strawberry, from the looks of things.

(We see Mike. He’s carrying a Samurai sword and fending off the attacks of Cadwell & Lin-Lin)

Alexis: [Mike] You have dishonored my family. Prepare to die.
Kirin: I wonder if Kurosawa's hiring.

M: Take that!( for every swing, Cadwell blocks w/his cane)

Alexis: Eh, Samurai Jack's got him beat.

TCC: Nelson, you have been under my skin for a while. Lin-Lin, take him now!

All: EWWWWW!!!
Kirin: You know, I'm SO glad these aren't our fictives we're dealing with here.

(Lin-Lin sneaks up behind Mike, place her hand on him, and proceeds to transfer

Alexis: ...his funds into her Swiss bank account, the poor naive twit.

all of her works into his brain)
M: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (clutching his head in agony)

Kirin: [Mike] Must... find... ADVIL!
Hibichi: This is where the giant robot comes out of his head, right?

I have survived "Devilfish", "The Head That Wouldn’t Die", and all of Oscar’s works! I refuse to be beaten by the likes of you two!

Alexis: Actually, "Artemis's Lover" was MiSTed by Megane 6.7, who uses Joel and the bots in all his MiSTs. In this, his charming anime-loving incarnations first ...
Kirin: That's enough exposition.

LL: Nice speech, but it won’t save you (she and Cadwell, prepare for the finishing blow)

Hibichi: Here's the wind-up, and the pitch!
Kirin/Alexis: ICHIRO! ICHIRO!

Female voice: Hold it!( a figure steps out. She is blond, wearing tight cut-offs and a T-shirt. She is Gina Diggers, the Gold Digger!)

Alexis: YES! Gina Diggers! That -- ah, the hell with it.
Kirin: 0/~ Who says you can't have it all? o/~

GD: Back away( she pulls out a large handgun and fires. It misses all three completely) Damn

Kirin: [Gina] This can mean only one thing... defective gun. [nods sagely]

TCC: Nice shooting, Lin-Lin, finish off Nelstone here, and I "take care of" the Lara-wantabe . (he advances)

Hibichi: Oh, I've seen this running gag before. Now her dad's gonna die and she's gonna run off crying.

Female voices: No, you won’t! (Brianna & Brittany Diggers appear. Bri is a mix of the other two, and she is hefting a Vulcan cannon.

Kirin: [Spock] This is highly illogical, captain.
Alexis: [Kirk] Yeah, deal with it. *BOOM!*
Kirin: [Spock] Live long and prooooosperrrrr... *SPLAT!*

Brit is in her were-cheetah form.

Hibichi: NOOOOOO! IT'S THE CHEETAHMEN! WE'RE ALL DOOMED TO CRAPPY OFF-LICENSE NES GAMES!!!
Kirin: ...I don't get it.

Both look pissed)
BD: Touch my sister and DIE tux-boy!

Kirin: [Tuxedo Chris] But I'm dead anyway, right?
Alexis: [BD] ...mebbe.
Kirin: [Tuxedo Chris] Well then, I might as well die happy!

TCC: foolish female, I do want I want!
BD: Oh, screw the witty dialogue, just die!

Alexis: Witty dialogue?
Kirin: In a vague, Jean-Claude Van Damme sense, yes.

(she unloads several rounds from the cannon in to Cadwells lower body)

[The men wince.]
Alexis: Lessee... legs, intestines, pelvis, liver... wow, she missed the delicate bits. Bad aim must run in the family.

TCC: #_#

Hibichi: Somebody replaced his eyes with railroad tracks!

CD: Just you and me, honey (she bears her fangs)

Kirin: ...and tells all in her latest book!

LL: (sweating visibly) Eep! Marissa, beam me out now!(she starts to teleport out)

Alexis: Okay, who here CAN'T predict the next method of death?
[Nobody raises their hand.]
Alexis: Then it's settled. Cliched transporter beam accident in five, four three...

CD: Sorry, but you are not getting away that easily. ( she picks up mike’s sword, and tosses it into the transport beam, merging both woman and blade)
LL: ( as her atoms are split) ARRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHH!!!!!!!!

Alexis: We have pointless death, repeat: pointless death.
Kirin: [Mike] Hey! I paid good money for that sword!
Hibichi: And somewhere, Lieutenant Barkley is sweating like a pig.

Just then, all the other bots, along with their respective rescuers show up.

Hibichi: Hoorah for Miss Bianca!

T: Wow! Mike, I guess everyone’s ok?
M: Well, (he sees Brianna.) Yea Little Buddy. Why don’t you stay here, and I’ll see if the ladies are ok ( he goes over to the Diggers)

Kirin: The man who hasn't seen a woman in five hundred years is going to attempt to get lucky. Hard hats, everybody!

Joel walks in, along with Detectives William and Al(William is a dog in trenchcoat, while Al is a human)

Alexis: And what's the human wearing?
Kirin: Judging by the lack of description, possibly the dog.

J: Hi guys
Bots: Joel! (Tom floats over, Gypsy & Cambot slink over, and Crow is still stuck between Naga’s breasts)

Hibichi: I hear she pumps fifty-pound weights with those every night.
Kirin: I hear she applies super-glue between them every night, waiting for some poor sap to do this to.
Alexis: I hear a couple of male avatars are going to get castrated if they don't stop making jokes about this.
Kirin/Hibichi: We'll be good.

J: No time for reunions, guys we got to get off the ship! Follow me
(the ensemble gets into a small ship, Joel stops at the door)

Kirin: [Joel] Whoops! Forgot my keys.

Roy will fly you to the ship?, I have to stay here.
Others: What! Why?

Alexis: [Joel] My burrito's still cooking in the microwave.

J: Don’t worry, I’ll get off in my own way, right now you guys have to get off the ship before the Ratliff device fails
RGB: Don’t worry Robinson, I’ll get them to there in one piece.
(the ship blasts off)

Hibichi: [Roy] Hey! WAIT FOR UUUUUUS! Um, Joel, you weren't THAT serious about that promise, were you?

J: Magic Voice, you still with us?
MV: (weak whisper) Barely, Joel. I don’t think you should have stayed. I am going to die along with this damned Satellite.

Kirin: Am I the only one hearing this line in a Charleton Heston voice?
Others: Yes.

J: Don’t talk like that. I have a plan (he runs off toward the bridge)

Kirin: Then he crosses it and burns it.
[The others groan.]

In Space

Alexis: No one can hear you scream. However, there are lots and lots of pigs, for some reason.

We see the ship flying past the Enterprise and to the safety of Robinson’s spaceship.

All: o/~ Hey there, blimpy boy! Flying throught the void so fancy free! o/~

Inside the Enterprise, Marissa is not taking her defeat well
MP : YOU MORONS!!!!!!(foaming at the mouth)

Kirin: Hey, she's a Conservative candidate!
Alexis: Huh?
Kirin: [British] She just drones on and on and on never letting anyone else get a word in edgewise until she starts foaming at the mouth and falling over backwards.
Alexis: Oh, for God's sake...
Hibichi: Walked right into that one, Alexis.

This is what I get for listening to a bunch of adults! Security! Take Dr. Erhardt to his shuttle and lock him in. Clara, Prepare to launch the "the Chunky Monkey"!

Kirin: [Clara] No! Not the Ben and Jerrys! You monster!

Clara: Sir isn’t that a bit unwise?
MP: You questioning my orders? DIE TRATIOR!(she pulls a phaser on Clara and blasts her to the next world)

Hibichi: Instead of another dimension, of course.
Kirin: But it turns out to be the world of cake and ice cream, so it all works out in the end.

Now launch the damn monkey and call me QUEEN!
Kid’s Crew: Yes sir, your highness

Alexis: No no, she meant call her QUEEN. As in the band.
Kirin: She will, she WILL rock you.

A pod is ejected from the aft side of the Enterprise. The pod slowly morphs into a mech which resembles a cross between "Curious George", Professor Bobo, and several mutated Pokemon

All: Joe Liebermann!

On the bridge of Robinson’s
Al: would ya ja look at the size of that thing!

Hibichi: [William] Stop reading that damn hentai doujinshi, Al. *WHACK!*
Alexis: That's not so much for the perverted comment as for the Anime Cafe Otaku Super Troopers ref.

William: Cut the chatter Al.(speaks into a intercom) Is the Lion Force a go?

Alexis: [Al] No, but the Lion King's all loaded and ready to play.

Good. Launch them now!
We see a robot exit the main hanger. It’s Voltron, Defender of the Universe!

All: HURRAH!
Kirin: Campy Seventies Japanese robot cartoons are GO!

Keith: Alright team, here’s the plan. We are going to hit the monkey with everything we have. Ready? Fire!
Lance, Pidge, Allura, Hunk: Let’s go Voltron Force!

Alexis: Hmm... refridgerator, couch, armchairs, television... wow, there goes the kitchen sink! They weren't kidding!
Kirin: [Simon] KEITH?
Hibichi: [Keith] Something wrong with that name?
Kirin: [Simon] Oh no, no, no! No stereotypical anorak image associated with that name at ALL!
Hibichi: [Keith] Good.

FORM BLAZING SWORD
FLAME BLAST
BLAZING LARITAT
BLAZING ARROW
LION HEAD ATTACK
CYCLONE ATTACK
SPINING SABER

Hibichi: MOON SPIRAL ESCALATI -- whoops, wrong show.

Each attack wears the monkey down a little bit. Now for the finishing move

Alexis: We drop a Mortal Kombat 3 arcade machine on it! Yeah!
Hibichi: TOASTY!

Keith: let’s finish this! Dynatherms disconnected. Disengage interlocks. Mega-thrusters powering down.

Kirin: [Keith] Technobabble transmitter disabled.

Voltron breaks into the five robotic lions and each lion grabs one of the monkeys limbs and pulls in a different direction

Alexis: Wheee! It's just like a Stretch Armstong doll!
Hibichi: I think you're having way too much fun with this fic.

Inside the cockpit
Hatchi Matchi is worried, sort of
HM: Oh, what naughty people!(he grabs a pikachu doll that has some weird stains on it, and starts to rub it against himself) naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty!

Kirin: Pikachu -- the natural loufa.

The cockpit is beamed in the hanger of Robinson’s.

Alexis: Wow, valet parking. Robinson's is one happening place.

William and Al approach
A: Come out with your hands up!(he opens the cockpit door and quickly shuts it)

Hibichi: [Al] Now if you don't put your hands up, we'll slam your door again!

My God(he looks as if he’s going to be sick) William, bring out the secret weapon

Alexis: CHOCOLATE!
Kirin: Good GODS, Alexis. I don't know what you're on, but it can't be healthy.
Alexis: Hee hee!

William brings out a female rabbit, who has a weird grin on her face and a twitching left eye

Kirin: Babs Bunny after one too many Bonkers episodes.

W: In ya go(he tosses the lady into the cockpit. We hear her laughter, and Hatchi’s screams)

Alexis: They must be reading this fic together.
Hibichi: Especially seeing as only the heroes really seem to be committing acts of gratuitous violence in this fic.
Kirin: They're still more likable than the characters in AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon, though.
Alexis: Kirin, radio shock jocks are more likable than those guys.

I think that’s enough time(he opens the door and pulls her out.)
Al & Will: Whoa (Hatchi has 2 pokeballs shoved in his eye sockets, 2 chrmanders in his ears, 4 action figures in his nose, and a 7 game carts in his moth)

Kirin/Alexis: o/~ And a partriiidge in a pear tree! o/~
Hibichi: Bluuurgh...

W: Let’s turn him over (he moves to do so)
A: No, William, there are some things man was not meant to see

Kirin: Like fanfiction depicting random acts of extreme violence to infamous self-insert characters.

Let’s leave this disturbing scene and check in on the dear captain #

Kirin: Captain #?
Alexis: Captain N!
Kirin: Nah, I don't think he's particularly "dear" to me.
Alexis: Well be fair, neither is Marrissa.

# Chapter 5: Final Kick!

Alexis: Yeah, right. We'll be seeing eighty sequels to it in no time.

We see Dr. Erhardt is still in his shuttle. He is working on a statis pod, while Alexander looks on.

Alexis: Man, those Kings Quest characters really get around.
Hibichi: Great, now we're going to get one of those sarcastic "you've died" scenes in addition to the violent, bloody deaths.

Alex: Sir, what are you doing?
DR.E: Well, I have decided that working with your captain is not in my best interest, so I am releasing a final Avatar , Kefka.

Kirin: [Alex] Uh, sir, I'm Alex.
Hibichi: [Dr. Erhardt] I knew that!
Alexis: Foul! There was NEVER a Kefka avatar! She was just the writer!
Hibichi: [startled] SHE?!

A: Why tell me?
Dr. E: well, I think Kefka is rather hungry after being this pod, so…..

Kirin: [Dr. E] I need you to go out and get some flank steaks for her. Preferably dripping.
Hibichi: HER?!
Alexis: What, you didn't know?
Hibichi: Actually I did, but it still never fails to startle me.

(he opens the pod door, and Kefka steps out)

Alexis: Kefka! This is yoooour life!

K: Master, what is it you wish of me?
Dr. E: Kill the red shirt, than fly us out of here
K: Your will be done, Master

Kirin: *shred shred shred*
Hibichi: [Dr. E] No no no, the guy IN the red shirt, not the shirt itself!

A: Stay back!(he fumbles for his phaser, but Kefka pounces on him, turns herself into Dark Sonic, and rips Alexander a new one)

Kirin: [K.Q. Narrator] Oh, too bad, Alexander! Looks like you were a little... torn!
Hibichi: ...ow.

Dr. E: Very Nice, now, lets get out here and get some revenge!(the shuttle leaves the hanger, and flies in front of the SOL)

Kirin: And gets splatted like a bug on a windshield. The end.
Hibichi: That would probably be on par for this fanfic.

Meanwhile The Enterprise is not faring well. Robinson’s has blown up the engines, and only the saucer section remains)

Alexis: The teacup section has been totally decimated, and there's darjeeling floating around all over the place...

MP: Full Impuse! We’ll ram them!(the ship does a graceful turn, and is promptly cut into

Kirin: ...by a commercial?

three pieces by Lion Voltron, Vehicle Voltron, and Robinson’s guns)

Alexis: Then, in a twisted bit of poetic justice, the trio promptly write on the pieces of hull, "I was beaten by a bunch of twinked pop culture icons."

Chapter 6: So they shoot him into Space!

Kirin: And he, like, dies. Again.
Alexis: Deja vu.
Hibichi: They shoot Voltron into space for slicing the Enterprise up?

**********************************************************************

Kirin: The stars are stripes forever, it seems.
Alexis/Hibichi: Oh brother.

We Joel on the bridge of the SOL.

Alexis: We are ALL Joel.
Hibichi: Unfortunately, we're all Billy Joel.
All: D'OH!

He is wearing a oxygen mask, and looks to be downloading something the ships memory banks.

Kirin: [Joel] There. Flash is all loaded. Lets fire her up!

J: there, all done. What?(Dr. Erhardt is on collision course with the SOL)

All: That's what.

looks I am going to have to speed things up. Hope my emergency pod is still intact, and now, I’ll disable the Ratliff device, and plot a course for Deep 13!

Alexis: Have I ever stated how much I despise duo-specific language in comics?
[pause]
Kirin: But... this isn't a comic.
Alexis: I know, I was just saying.
[pause]
Hibichi: You've snapped, haven't you?
Alexis: Quiet.

(he escapes in his ship, just as Dr. Erhardt’s shuttle crashes into the front of the SOL!)

Kirin: Well, I hope they remember to exchange insurance information.

Robinson’s
William: That crazy bastard survived! Beam him on board(Joel appears)

Alexis: [Joel] Beam WHO on board?
Hibichi: [William] Uh ...

J: Hey guys, why don’t we sit back and watch the fire works?

Kirin: We would, but the freaking news crew keep changing the camera perspective.
Hibichi: [Freakazoid] Oh, let's just watch the lip synch!

Earth
Dr. Forrester looks haggard. B-ko has run amok, nearly destroying Deep 13.

All: Amok, amok, amok, amok ...

He answers his phone.
Dr. F: Hello? Joel? How can you be here?

Alexis: [Joel] Well see, my mother and my father loved each other very much...
Kirin: [Dr. F] That's not what I meant and you know it.

J: Hi Dr. F! you might want to look outside.

Hibichi: [Joel] It's snowing, Dr. F! Whoopee!

Dr. F does so, and he sees the remains of the SOL bearing down on his exact spot

Kirin: It's homing wreckage.

Dr. F: gulp, excuse me, Frank?
TVF: Yea Steve-o-rino?
Dr. F: stand here for a moment, wouldn’t you?
TVF: Sure(he does, blissfully unaware of the flaming death above him)

Alexis: Call me a pessimist, but I don't think Frank's really going to make that much of a buffer between Dr. Forrester and several TONS of flaming titanium.
Hibichi: [Dr. F] Open your mouth and close your eyes, and you will get a BIG surprise!

Dr. F: Good lackey, bye!(he runs down a fight of stairs, all the way to Deep 666

Kirin: The mark of the beast, somewhere in time and space.

Pant, gasp, wheeze! I made it! Do you hear me Robinson! I haven’t lost let!

Alexis: [Dr. F] You may have the rest of the dictionary, but I still have the last word!

(he hear a deep booming sound, and its getting closer.

Hibichi: *gasp* It's the Energizer Bunny! The horror! THE HORROR!

Dr. F looks up the stairwell, and sees the fireball, bearing down on him once again. And Frank is falling down with it)

Kirin: (Frank) It followed me home, Dr. F! Can I keep it?
Alexis: That's it. He's fired.
[Kirin and Hibichi smack their foreheads.]

Dr. F: (right before the fireball engulfs him) Oh, poopie Space

Kirin: That would be the toilet.

Everyone is celebrating(party hats, champagne, the works)

All: Hurrah! We're mass murderers!

===============================================================

Alexis: You know, I just can't come up with a decent divider joke.
Kirin: Then don't.

Epilogue 1
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Hibichi: Not the most wordy epilogue, but I think there's a lesson in here for all of us.

The remains of Deep 13 Frank walks out of the rubble. He is completely unharmed.

Kirin: Which makes him either Superman or Droopy the Dog.

We see a burnt hand shoot up out of the ground, grab Frank by the ankle. It’s Dr. Forrester!

Alexis: Dr. Forrester recently got some tips on how to improve his stage presence from a lovely fellow named George Romero...

Dr. F: Push…………the……………….button…………Frank……………
The hand lets go of Frank.

Hibichi: THAT'S his last words?
Kirin: It beats "Kiss me, Hardy."

He shrugs, walks over to the button(yes, its still working)
Pushes it, and walks off.

Alexis: Well obviously, it's NOT working if the screen didn't narrow to a point.
Kirin: Sure it does! It's just that that's the button to end the fic.
All: Thank heavens.

TVF: I wonder if Arby’s will take me back?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hibichi: Seen here: the total gravestones needed to cover all the casualties in this fanfic.
Kirin: Some of the folks requiring more than one.
Hibichi: *urp* Thanks for reminding me, Kirin.

Epilogue 2
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Alexis: They're running Epilogue 2 on a percentage, now.

Crow: After a 17-hour operation, Crow was removed from Naga’s cleavage. It took another 20 hours to get the grin off of his face

Kirin: That would be the time it took for him to realize he has no teeth.

Tom: Runs a detective agency with Felica

Alexis: Sounds like the latest Knight Rider rip-off.

Gypsy: Got a new body and runs Gypsyco

Hibichi: I guess that would be a "corporate" body, then.
Kirin: Is it like bad pun week or something?
Alexis: YOU should talk.

Cambot: Got a successful career with Dateline

Kirin: Cambot became an anchorman?
Alexis: Well, at least he didn't sign on with CNN.

Joel: Went back to his stand, but still takes off in his space ship every now and then

Hibichi: Sometimes, ya just have to get away from it all.
Kirin: He goes around, bombing random Star Trek ships.

Mike: Lab assistant to Gina Diggers

Alexis: [Mike] Say, what does this do?
Kirin: [Gina] DON'T TOUCH THAT! *BOOM!*
Alexis: [Mike] Whup! Don't worry, I've got some Skippy peanut butter -- I'll have that patched up in a bit!
Kirin: [Gina] What the hell was I thinking?

TV’s Frank: Distract manager of Arby’s

Hibichi: Joel will run in and grab the roast beef sandwiches. Dr. F, drain the soda machines. The rest of you, make sure the clerks are distracted, and for GOD'S SAKE don't touch the special sauce!

All the good guys were sent back to their respective dimensions The ever loving end!

Hibichi: Love? LOVE?! There IS no love in this fanfic! Only despair, and gruesome, horrible death, and pure utter loathing! LOVE?! HAH! [He breaks down in tears.]
Kirin: [patting Hibichi on the back] There there, it's almost over.

To everyone mentioned in the fic, sorry. I meant no offense, this is only a parody/antific/cry for help/ and should not be taken seriously.

Alexis: It's all this and so much more!
Hibichi: It'd better NOT be taken seriously, or else I'd be worried.

Thanks: Patrick Brewington(the American Alan Moore), My teachers, Joel Hodgeson, Fred Perry, Bruce Campbell, Bob, my shrink, the fine folks at SVAM, and everybody else to numerous to mention

Kirin: He's got a lot of teachers.
Alexis: No mention of George, I notice.

I hope you have had fun, and if not, sorry

All: YOU SHOULD BE!

Roy G. Biv, Al, William & Irate Rabbit are property of Patrick Brewington

Hibichi: [author] And if you were cool, you'd know this already.

Gina, Brittany, and Brianna are property of Fred Perry and AP

Alexis: Physics, Biology or History?

Joel, Mike and the rest are property of Best Brains

Kirin: Actually, Joel and Mike are technically actors HIRED by the company, but that's not important.

I don’t know who owns "Slayers" but the characters are used without permission

All: SHAAAAME.

Artemis is owned by DiC

Alexis: Or "DiCk," as the Moonies lovingly refer to it as...

and the lady who created "Sailor Moon"

Hibichi: Madame X!
Kirin: No no no, that'd probably be "Mooning Sailor."
[Alexis STARES at them.]

Voltron is owned by World Events Productions
Enterprise-D, "Star Trek" are owned by Paramount

Kirin: ...of whom need to apologize immediately for Voyager.

Sonic is owned by Sega

Hibichi: Or at least PRACTICALLY is -- he didn't read the fine print in the contract very well...

Pokemon and Game Boy is owned by Nintendo

Alexis: And every so often they like to pit them one against each other.
Kirin: I choose you, Game Boy!
Hibichi: I choose you, Princess Lana! Hee hee...

Bruce Campbell appears without permission
Dr. Thinker appears without permission

Kirin: This fic appears WITH permission, but we kind of wish it hadn't.

To Authors: Ratliff, no offense, but I do like your work ethic. All others, well, lets not darken each others doorways ok?

Alexis: You guys pick entirely the wrong colors of paint for that.

D
"Remember, a friend is only a enemy who doesn’t have the guts to try and kill you"-JT

Kirin: And on THAT optimistic note... let's ske-daddle, guys.
All: Right.

[They exit the theater]

[Door Sequence: 1-2-3-4-5-6]
 

SoA
 

Bodger sat morosely on the deck, with the ham radio on one side and Crow 2's head on the other. This was the position the others found her when they returned to the main deck of the Satellite of Avatars.

"Uh, Bodger?" Kirin said, worried.

"Dammit! He doesn't call at all! Where the hell is he?" she shouted angrily, and somewhat hysterically.

"Calm down, Bodger! You're sounding like one of those Mary Suesthat were popping up all over the place for awhile!" Alexis scolded, although her voice betrayed a certain degree of worry in herself.

"Calm down? CALM DOWN?! I can't remember how to put Crow 2 back together, Joel's missing, possibly dead, and I'm supposed to NOT WORRY?! What the hell kind of SI am I anyway?!" Bodger sobbed.

Kirin massaged the bridge of his nose. "Kirin, sitting around screaming at each other isn't gonna solve a damn thing. Now, do you wanna hear our analysis of the story or not?" he growled.

Bodger turned away. "I don't even care anymore."

The others looked at each other with worry. "Don't really have a way with comforting people, do you Kirin?" Alexis said.

"Bite me. It's been a long day," Kirin sighed, not really into his own words.

"Well, if nothing else I suppose it'll take our mind off the situation at hand. Um, I suppose I'll go first," said Alexis.

"Fine, whatever," Bodger mumbled.

Alexis stared at her for a moment, then began. "Well, I'm not sure WHAT to say for my part; it's deliberately messed up grammar, so any comments I make could or could not be moot. So I suppose I don't really have much. Kirin?"

"It's an anti-fic. Good for releasing aggressions, bad for real reading material, alas. You either have to hate the characters just as much as the writer or have a real twisted sense of humor to enjoy this," said Kirin. "Hibichi?"

"Um, what can I say? Everybody was trying to kill each other. That by itself defies characterization. Aside from that, though, I suppose I've seen worse," he replied.

They all stood silent. Finally, Bodger stood up. "JOEL! For God's sakes, just give me one sign you're still there! ANY! Don't die on me!" she screamed.

Silence. Then...

"Well, I'll try not to..."

All jumped and wheeled around, Kirin with gun drawn. And who should be standing there but Joel Robinson, smiling amiably in a rather comfortable t-shirt, jeans and plaid combo.

Everybody stared in disbelief. "The HELL?"

Joel scratched the back of his head somewhat awkwardly. "Well, I was beginning to realize after awhile that I had no hope of shaking off Dark Kirin, so I decided to employ a little back-up plan I had. I had a little time where I'd lost him completely, so I took advantage of a rocket I'd added to the trailer and kinda shot myself up here. Um, it's dual way, so I can take you back if you want, but I think it'd better wait till things blow over a little," he replied.

The avatars blinked save for Bodger, who continued staring.

"So, uh, yeah. Hey, this Crow 2? I can help fix him if you'd like," Joel offered.

Bodger stuttered for a bit, then passed out.

Joel stared. "Er, is she all right?"

"Uh, no problems here. Um, Hibichi? Take Bodger to her room to recover. Alexis, show Joel around the place. We'll deal with Crow 2 later," Kirin commanded.

"Gotcha." They all did as told.

Kirin watched them leave. "Well, there officially goes the last shreds of our credibility," he muttered, as the comm light turned on. "Uh, can I help you?"
 

Castle Flipside
 

Dark Alexis stared at Kirin from the other side for a long time. Finally -- "He's up there, isn't he?"
 

SoA
 

Kirin froze, remaining silent.
 

Castle Flipside
 

Dark Alexis continued staring, then finally -- "If you don't tell him, I don't tell him."
 

SoA
 

"Guh?!"
 

Castle Flipside
 

Dark Alexis looked at her nails. "Hey, I'll give you this -- I like the guy. I think he's funny. Not that I wouldn't like to lob him in the theater, but I still think Kirin overreacted big time, y'know? I heard something about a rocket blast, but ol' Kirin's convinced that Joel wouldn't be stupid enough to shoot himself your way. Which kinda makes it a work of genius," she said.
 

SoA
 

Kirin rubbed the back of his head. "Well gee, I dunno what to say..."
 

Castle Flipside
 

"Don't say a damn thing. I don't need your mewling thank yous, you half-assed hero wannabe. Just remember to keep your boy outta sight in case Kirin decides to harangue you all. Otherwise, he might blow the Satellite outta the sky, and I'm out a fun thing to do on Saturday nights," explained Dark Alexis.
 

SoA
 

"Gee, thanks," muttered Kirin.
 

Castle Flipside
 

"Whatever. See you next time, losers." She cut the comm.
 

---FWISSH! ---
 

Somewhere in Northern Nebraska...

Dark Kirin looked at the sky. "Think you can escape? Well, enjoy it while it lasts. You're dead, you hear me Robinson? DEAD!"
 

END...
 

********************
 

Legal Misc.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) by Best Brains Inc. All rights reserved. Read D's disclaimer for the properties of the other characters. E-GADS.
MiSTers and Mads are property of me, although Crow 2 is borderline. Joel Robinson is the creation of Joel Hodgson and Best Brains.
Nice Guy is the property of D, MiSTed with permission. There's a reason I'm adding that.
All comments, criticisms and (hopefully few) flames should be sent to: bodgerkirin@hotmail.com

Bodger's Notes:

Not much to say here. The MiST took a long time to put out because of extreme writers block concerning the host segments. Too bad I couldn't finish it before FF.net got pissy about the MST3K section, but c'est la vie. I hope you enjoyed it.

O: Baby! Where have you been all my life!
T: Waiting for you(Tom cuts the power to his hover skirt and falls on top the helmet) To DIE!