Earthbound and the Mother series are property of Nintendo. Of course, the Earthbound cart sitting in my collection downstairs IS mine, so you can't nail me for that one either! HA HA! *subtly hides Earthbound Zero ROM sitting on computer*

Chapter 5: A "Modest" Dungeon

He'd only been walking a couple of hours when Jeff suddenly found a roadblock in his path -- literally.

Inexplicably, the path which led down the cliff side was blocked by, of all things, a giant metal statue of a pencil. Unfortunately, the only way around it was a sheer drop for some twenty feet on either side. Jeff was stuck.

How did that get there, anyway? he wondered, staring at the inconvenient piece of artwork. Honestly, artists these days. . .

He attempted to push the statue out of the way, but with no luck. It appeared that the statue actually went down someways into the earth, and nothing short of a lot of digging and a large crane would pry it loose.

Now what? he wondered.

His thoughts were interrupted by the Bubble Monkey's chattering. Turning towards the small creature, he saw it gesturing towards a large cave entrance with a sign to the side of it. Curious, he walked up to the sign and read it.

It said:

Entry fee? thought Jeff, confused. He searched the sign for evidence of a National Heritage emblem; however, the lack of further adornments dismissed the possibility that the dungeon was sponsored by a trust fund.

In fact, it seemed like an awfully strange place to place a dungeon in the first place. As far as he knew, most castles in the medieval era of Winters simply kept their dungeons in various areas of the castle itself; why there would be one out here was an answer which eluded him.

Well, with that weird statue in the way, it's not like I have anything better to do, he thought. Signalling to the monkey, they entered.

What greeted him was far from what he'd been expecting.

For a start, the dungeon was not a dungeon in the "manacles and chains" sense, but rather more of the "Dungeons and Dragons" feel. Even that was a bit of a stretch, for it was really nothing more than a maze consisting of several large boulders placed to create pathways. (Naturally, the boulders were far too large and rounded to climb one, pretty much preventing the possibility of cutting through.) The sense of a proper dungeon was further dispelled by the quaint, somewhat sleepy music that was being pumped in via speakers from various corners of the clearly manmade cavern.

All in all, a very modest dungeon.

Jeff pondered this for a moment. This place is clearly still operational. Maybe if I find the person in charge, they can tell me an alternate route to get down the mountain. It's not like I'm going anywhere for awhile anyway . . .

He shrugged. Might as well. Pulling the monkey away from yet another distraction, he began to make his way through the maze.

This turned out to be easier said than done. For a start, there were a lot of dead-ends, which he seemed to have a knack for hitting. While this did result in a bit of personal gain from various odd packages littered about the place, it was still rather annoying.

Furthermore, the inside of the maze was about as monster riddled as the outside. Granted, many of the monsters were rather simple -- the odd things of goo, for example, were easily dealt with. Still, they did nothing to aid him through the maze.

Then there was . . .

"Watch out for falling objects?"

As Jeff frowned at the sign, a sudden thump from behind startled him. He twirled around, Magnum Air Gun at the ready, only to find . . .

"Oh, not YOU again."

The bearded, top-hat wearing man grinned at Jeff. "Photos taken instantaneously! I'm a photographic genius, if I do say so myself.

"I know, you said that already," huffed Jeff, his temper already slightly frayed from the maze.

"Now now, you've gotta smile for the photo, sir, it's going to be the best of memories, after all," the Photo Man said cheerfully, setting the camera up.

"Wait, what do you know about what's going on around here?" asked Jeff. "I mean, you said something about my adventure. Do you have any idea what --"

"Say fuzzy pickles."

"Fuzzy pickles. At any ra--"
 

*SNAP*
 

Jeff stood dazed for a moment, but shook it off. "Are you going to answer me or not?" he asked, annoyed.

The Photo Man put away the camera and looked at Jeff grinning. "All I can say is that we'll be seeing each other again, no worries." With that, he flew upwards and disappeared.

Jeff shook his head. Bloody marvelous.

After a great deal of trial and error, a lot of trashed enemies and one long monkey distraction break, Jeff finally found himself at the end of the maze. He was greeted to the sight of another cave entrance, as well as a telephone wired into a plug in the cave wall -- a highly incongruous sight in Jeff's mind.

Probably should call Maxwell, Jeff thought. After all, he did help me, and he might be worried.

Not even pondering how odd it was that there was a telephone here to begin with, he dialed Maxwell's extension number and hoped that he wouldn't get somebody else who WOULDN'T be so kind about Jeff's infraction of the rules.

Thankfully, Maxwell himself answered after two rings. "Hallo, Maxwell Labs speaking."

Jeff heaved a sigh of relief. "It's Jeff Andonuts."

"Oh! Jeff! You called sooner than I expected, lad," said Maxwell. "How's the expedition going?"

"Uh, unique," replied Jeff. He then went into detail about the journey thus far.

When he'd finished, Maxwell whistled. "Sounds like strange work's afoot. We'd been getting some reports of children being attacked by animals as well. But Tessie! Well, that's really fantastic. Makes me wish I were there with you," he said.

Jeff frowned. "What do you reckon's going on?" he asked.

"Dunno, but it makes me all the more glad I let you go. I'm sure you'll figure it all out soon enough -- you're certainly bright enough for it."

Jeff preened a little. "Thanks, sir!"

"It's all good. Knock 'em dead for me, will you boy?"

"No problem si -- hello? Hello?"

Jeff frowned as the sound of the connection being broken met his ear, then looked towards the phone's base. The bubble monkey stood by the phone, with one hand on the cradle and an impatient look on his face.

"Oy! Would I interrupt you in the middle of a phone call?" snapped Jeff.

"Kya koo ki kii kya koko kikya kuki," the monkey snapped back.

"Look, I hardly think caterpillar watching is as important as -- oh, never mind, it's done already. Let's just go."

"What, already?"

Both Jeff and the monkey jumped and turned. They were greeted to the sight of the strangest looking man they'd seen yet.

For a start, his face had the bizarre distinction of being both rounded and elongated at the same time, which gave a strangely unbalanced look to his facial features. Largely bald, with only a straggly few hairs sticking out from his scalp like crooked wires and a thin moustache, he made for a very unique individual.

"Hmm . . . you got through that quicker than I expected. Maybe if I'd added a few holes here and there, or a few more trick pathways . . . ah well. It's a work in progress, anyway." The man scratched his head, then seemed to remember something. "Oh, but I'm forgetting my manners. Name's Brick Road," the man introduced, holding out his hand.

"Brick Road? Rather unusual," commented Jeff, taking the proffered hand, which was shaken with great enthusiasm.

"Yeah, parents had a sense of humor. I've got two brothers named Rocky and Cobblestone, too," explained Brick Road. "We've all been in the dungeon designing business for years. Ah, but what's your name? I always like to meet new friends."

"Er, Jeff. Jeff Andonuts," replied Jeff. "That's my monkey," he added, pointing out the Bubble Monkey. The Bubble Monkey acknowledged the introduction by blowing a raspberry.

"Andonuts? Say, you wouldn't happen to be related to the good Doctor, would you?" asked Brick Road, suddenly perking up a little.

". . . Technically," muttered Jeff reluctantly.

"Wow, small world. You know, Doc's going to be helping me in my greatest endeavor ever," Brick Road commented, eyes gleaming.

Jeff didn't particularly wish to discuss the "good Doctor," but at the same time realized that this was something the man really wanted to talk about. He'd been pleasant thus far; Jeff didn't want to hurt his feelings by changing the subject. So, he decided to indulge the man. "Which is?"

Brick Road puffed himself up rather proudly. "I will soon be the first living dungeon in the history of all time," he proclaimed.

Jeff stared at the man for lack of anything better to say. Truth was, there was very little one could say about something like that.

"Now I know what you're thinking -- why would a man want to be a living dungeon? Well, the reason is this: I love dungeons. Every carefully planned route, every hidden treasure or danger -- I love it all. But lately I feel I've been lacking in inspiration -- I mean, look at this place! It's so drab, so unoriginal. Therefore, I've decided that if I can BECOME the dungeon, perhaps I will understand how they work better. And soon, Doc will help that dream come true," explained Brick Road, clearly excited.

He's actually thinking of others? That's a first, Jeff thought uncharitably. To Brick Road himself, he merely replied, "That's . . . nice?"

"Oh, but what am I thinking, blabbing my mouth off. You folks are probably a little weary after that maze. How 'bout a rest?" offered Brick Road.

"Tempting, but I've gotta ask -- is there another way down the mountain? You see, there's a statue blocking the road down and --" Jeff began.

"Statue? You mean a pencil statue?" asked Brick Road.

"Uh, yeah," replied Jeff, scratching the back of his head.

Brick Road led Jeff out and pointed up the mountain. "You mean THAT pencil statue?" he asked.

Jeff looked. Sure enough, further up the path was the statue that had formerly blocked his route.

"Oh." Nearby, the monkey sniggered.

"Yeah, that thing appeared maybe a week ago or so. Lemme tell you, though, the number of people who came through here increased after that. I love that statue," said Brick Road.

Easy for you to say, thought Jeff.

"So, how about that rest? I've got a few beds in a little room in the dungeon," Brick Road offered again.

Jeff shook his head. "Sorry, but I'm in a rush. Do you know where Threed is, by the way?" he asked.

"Threed? Egads, you're walking there? You've really got a long way to go."

Jeff's heart fell. "Well, I've got to get there anyway. I'm in kind of a rush."

"Well, that cave down there will take you further south. What you do past there is up to you, really." Brick Road frowned. "You sure about that rest?"

"Positive," replied Jeff. The monkey chattered in protest, but Jeff ignored it.

"Sigh . . . all right. Well, hopefully we'll meet again, when I'm Dungeon Man," said Brick Road rather sadly, offering his hand again.

Jeff shook it. "Perhaps we will," he replied. With that, he set off again on his journey, with thoughts of the strange, dungeon-addled man playing through his mind.

Wouldn't be the strangest thing that's happened on this trip.

Author's Notes:

Quick! Quick! It's a writing spree! Catch it before -- aw, shucks. There it goes.

The hardest part for this chapter was getting the exact wording of the sign that you read just outside of the cave. I know there's another couple of signs in the area, but I can't be bothered playing all the way through just to read them. The Brick Road conversation is largely flow of consciousness, just to warn you.

Well, back to vegging. See you in six months. Heh heh . . . *sigh*