[They reenter the theater]

Crow 2: Say, where did Bodger get the ice cream sundae? I want one too!
Alexis: Ssh! It's starting!

From: Anne Trottier <nighta@hotmail.com>
To: <thebadgers@uswest.net>
Subject: ANW Love Boat Pt 3
Date: Tuesday, February 22, 2000 5:30 PM

Kirin: [loudly and to nobody in particular] You know, some people COULD just cut all this stuff out of the text...
[A large sign descends from the ceiling, reading, "Bite Me!" It falls on Kirin's head.]
Kirin: [rubbing head] Bitch.

We now return to Anime Northwest Love Boat...

Crow 2: [cheerfully] ...with the help of a cattle prod and a lot of booze!

Part III

Hibichi: I know, I know, no mocking the Roman numerals, but you've gotta admit that DOES look like "Part-iii..."
Alexis: Quiet, you.

Miss Jess, an agent with the Freon Anime Enforcement Bureau,

Kirin: Big "oh brother" is watching you.

was walking down the deck on the starboard (right) side of the "Princess Millerna" as it cruised in Puget Sound.

Alexis: o/~ Cruisin' down the highway doin' seventy-nine, I just had a drink and I'm feelin' fine... o/~

She wore a tight baby doll tank top, denim shorts, and had a sweater tied around her waist.

Alexis: Thus furthering the anime tradition of giving tight clothing to the babes.
Crow 2: [Narrator] The baby doll tank top is made of fine silk, and the stiching is strictly new wave!
All: Oooooh.
[Hibichi mimes taking a photo.]

As she ran her fingers back through her neck-length, dark hair,

Kirin: It came off.
Crow 2: [Miss Jess] That does it. No more generic brand toupee glue.

she heard a voice behind her.

Hibichi: [psychotic] Do you like scary movies?

"Excuse me, miss..." a male voice said.

Miss Jess turned around to find Joe Saeba standing and looking at her with a smile.

Crow 2: It was raining, so he was letting it be his umbrella.

"How can I help you?" Miss Jess said in a friendly tone.

Kirin: [Simon] You can start by not breathing again.

"Are you tired?" Joe asked.

Alexis: [Miss Jess] Well yes, I HAVE been diagnosed with acute narcolep -- zzz...

"Of course not, why?" she answered.

Hibichi: Because he's genuinely concerned for your well-being. Sheesh!
Alexis: [blinking] Nothing dirty?
Hibichi: No, why should there be?
Alexis: ... Are you feeling all right?

"You've been running through my mind all day." Joe quipped.

Kirin: [Joe] And damn it, you were wearing stilletto heels, and they hurt!
Crow 2: The loud smack you have just heard is the sound of a woman walking right into it.

Miss Jess said nothing, instead she gave Joe a spinning back kick to the groin.

[All the men in the theater cross their legs.]
Hibichi: [wincing] Ooh, that's gotta hoit.
Alexis: Nice choreography on the demasculation there.

"Think about that tonight." she then said.

Kirin: Lady, he's gonna be thinking about that for WEEKS.
Alexis: And there's that "then said" statement again!

"Oooh, what a woman."

Alexis: He then said.

Joe strained to say.

Miss Jess continued to walk down the deck when she saw Skippy McFadden in his

Kirin: High school cheerleader's outfit. Mortified at being spotted, he jumped off deck, thus eliminating our villain. The end.

white uniform walking down the way. As they continued to walk toward each other, they both made

Crow 2: Macrame.
Alexis: Fudgesicles.
Kirin: Ornate glass figurines.
Hibichi: [Chef] Sweet looove! *WHACK!*
Alexis: I'm annoyed, yet somehow relieved.

eye contact and gave each other a dirty look.

Kirin: [Jess] You put chocolate in my peanut butter!
Crow 2: [Skippy] You put peanut butter in my chocolate!
Alexis: Shouldn't that be the other way around?
Kirin: Huh? Why?
Alexis: Well you know, the captain's name IS Skippy...
[Pause. Kirin and Crow 2 wince.]
Crow 2: I think my pun programming's burned out.

Jessica had been on the trail of Negaverse minion Jedite when she found out he became a cruise ferry officer named Skippy.

Hibichi: SKIPPY?! One of Queen Beryl's top dogs and he gives him the pseudonym SKIPPY?!
[His head starts to smoke.]
Kirin: Oh, fer the love of Kryst.
[Kirin pulls out a small water extinguisher marked, "Tom Servo Cliché Deterrant" and sprays Hibichi with it.]
Hibichi: [dripping wet] Thanks, I think...

As an anime enforcement agent with special powers,

Crow 2: She could leap tall tales with a single bound!
Alexis: A self-insert in a self-insert's story? Wouldn't the very tension of it all rip the universe apart?
Kirin: Alexis. She's female. She'll probably end up falling for our hero.
Alexis: [depressed] I know. It was wishful thinking.

she knew she had to keep Jedite from committing a grave wrongdoing on the people of this reality.

Kirin: Which meant taking her pills so that she can stay IN it.

And as an employee of Mr. Freon,

Crow 2: She was seriously considering a career change and a reevaluation of her life.

she had to keep this evil crone from destroying the assets of the Freon Group and making him look bad.

Hibichi: So, um, his entire collection of Saber Marionnette J action figures, then?

Pez sat at a video screen, his gaze fixed on the pixels, sprites, and CG of "Freaky Fantasy XI".

Alexis: Pixels, sprites AND CG? Geez, it's the ever-evolving video game.
Hibichi: Naw, they just took so long to put out the game that they kept having to revamp the graphics.

As he guided his team of warriors and magicians on their adventure, he simply said

Crow 2: [Pez] This game bites.
Alexis: [Pez] FOR THE HORDE!
Kirin: [Pez] I cast Magic Missile on the orc.
Hibichi: [Pez] Choose the friggin' Jester? What the hell was I thinking?

"I know I can beat Stevieroth if I get the Mackdaddy Materia."

Kirin: Beep: In-joke detected. Suggest elimination.
Alexis: Oh please. The whole damn fic is an in-joke.
[Beat]
Kirin: I repeat: suggest elimination.
Alexis: Ah. Gotcha.

Mr. Freon and Anne were walking down the starboard deck with a 2 litre bottle of Mountain Dew.

Alexis: Say Kirin, do you suppose Mr. Freon likes MOUNTAIN DEW?
Kirin: Hmm... naaah.
Crow 2: [Anne] So which side of the ship are we dumping this stuff this time?
Hibichi: [Freon] Let's try starboard. I think I saw some dolphins over there.

"Freon-san." Anne said. "You're going to get all freaky and breakdance in the disco if you drink that whole bottle."

Alexis: She then said.
Kirin: [Freon, with clenched teeth] I thought we agreed never to talk about that in public!

"Nonsense." Mr. Freon said as they passed Miss Jess who was leaning against the railing.

Crow 2: Forgot her Dramamine, I see.
Alexis: Eww...

"I get a bottle on every trip."

Alexis: He then said.
Crow 2: [Anne] Um, sir, I think you're supposed to smash those against the side of the boat to initiate the voyage...
Hibichi: [Freon] SACRILEGE!

"Why, Freon-san?" Anne then asked.

Kirin: [Freon] Because they can't GIVE this crap away to anybody else.

"'Freon-san'?" Miss Jess as she turned to see a man in a suit and a backwards Canadian baseball cap walking away from her with a shorter young lady.

Crow 2: [Miss Jess] Snatching from the cradle again, I see. *WHACK!*

"Ya never know when I'm gonna share it with someone." Mr. Freon said confidently.

Hibichi: [Freon] My cat, for instance.

"Can I have some?" Anne asked.

Kirin: [Freon] I didn't mean YOU!

"Mr. Kintaro Freon?" Miss Jess said from behind Freon and Anne. "Is that really you?"

Alexis: She then asked.
Crow 2: [Freon] No, just a clone. But thanks for asking!

Mr. Freon turned around to find Miss Jess smiling at him as he held his Mountain Dew bottle.

Kirin: He looked so cute she could just spit!
Alexis: Kinda like a camel, really.

"What can I do for you?" Mr. Freon said with a sly smile.

Crow 2: Oh great, Freon's getting his mack on.
[All wince.]

"Friend of yours?" Anne asked Mr. Freon.

Alexis: o/~ Why can't weeee be friends, why can't weeee be friends... o/~

"I never thought I'd meet Kintaro Freon!" Miss Jess gushed. "I always thought you take your jumbo jet everywhere!"

Kirin: I'm getting flashbacks of Baka-Con.
Alexis: Join the club.
Hibichi: [Freon] Yeah, but this ship has a weight limit. Bastards.

"Yep, I'm Mr. Freon, at your service." Mr. Freon then said.

Alexis: Lessee, not counting the ones I did, that makes... ten uses of  "then said" or variations upon it and four uses of "then" prior to an action. I think with this harvest, I could get a whole new story out of it.
Kirin: [growling] Alexis...
Alexis: I'm just SAYING...

"And what is your name?"

Alexis: He then asked.

Miss Jess whipped out her wallet ID and flashed it at Mr. Freon.

Kirin: [Miss Jess] Border Patrol, Division Six.
Crow 2: [Miss Jess] Agents Mulder and Scully, FBI. I've got a split personality disorder.

"Agent Jessica Le Vian, Freon Anime Enforcement Bureau!" Miss Jess beamed.

Alexis: [ditzy] She LOVES her job!
Kirin: Okay, that's it. If Freon ends up having his own branch of government, I'm gonna eat my gun.

"But everyone calls me Miss Jess! I never thought I'd meet the man who signs my paycheck! Is that Mountain Dew?"

Kirin: Whoa, short attention span.
Crow 2: Her middle name is "Kiki."

"Yes, it is!" Mr. Freon answered. "Wanna help me down this bottle in my dayroom?"

Kirin: [Jess] Nah, I'll just do it right here. *Glug*

"You got it, Mr. Freon!"

Alexis: She then replied.

"Please, call me Kintty."

Alexis: [Jess] Oh, can't I call you something else?
Kirin: [Freon, but warningly] And what would that be?
Alexis: Er... [Jess] Al.
Kirin: Better.

TO BE CONTINUED...

All: Dagnabit.

Stephan James Cox
aka Kintaro "Freon" Amano

Kirin: aka Kintty.

Novelist, Anime Devotee
Reservations Sales Agent, United Airlines, Seattle

Alexis: Kintaro "Freon" Amano: agent, novelist, fanboy.

animenovelis-@hotmail.com
ICQ: 2613845
AOL IM: KinFreon

Kirin: All the information you need to be a really effective cyber-stalker.
Crow 2: That is, if anybody WANTED to cyber-stalk Freon.

"They say the eyes are a window to the soul...
I guess that's why the Japanese draw them so big!"
--The Quotable Mr. Freon

Alexis: If I hear that quote one more time, I'll REALLY give him something to widen his eyes over.

______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com
 

Kirin: And the beat goes on...
 

From: Anne Trottier <nighta@hotmail.com>
To: <thebadgers@uswest.net>
Subject: ANW Love Boat Part 4
Date: Tuesday, February 22, 2000 5:31 PM

Alexis: Oh, NOT AGAIN. Couldn't we just trim these bits?

We now return to Anime Northwest Love Boat on the Dubba-Dubba-WB!!!
(RATED TV-PG-L)

Kirin: Flip. [Mimes changing the channel]

John Neko and Corny

Alexis: Corny?
Crow 2: Named after this fanfic.
Alexis: Oh.

were sitting at a table in the Girls On Film Lounge of the "Princess Millerna",

Hibichi: Drooling.
Kirin: Actually, much to their disappointment, "Girls on film" meant a marathon of Mary-Kate and Ashley films.
Crow 2/Alexis: [John Neko/Corny] MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOOOOP!

sipping Freon Freak-Out Cooler

All: Shock shock, surprise surprise.

as they observed their surroundings. Corny was wearing his tan overcoat while John had on his dark blue clothing.

Crow 2: And by clothing, we mean "dress."
Kirin: [Corny] Gender is all in your head, donchyaknow.

"Tell me again why we're here." John asked Corny.

Kirin: [Corny] Well, the writer decided --
Alexis: [John] Fourth wall! Fourth wall! *Crash* D'oh!

"We're the hunters of looove, rrrow!" Corny replied smartly.

Crow 2: [John, confused] We search for young lovers and shoot them on sight?
Hibichi: [Corny] ...something like that.

"What sort of love?" John then asked.

Alexis: That's eleven.
Kirin: I vote for young love.
Crow 2: Mad love.
Hibichi: Luv-luv.

"I've always wanted anime girl love." Corny said with a sly smile.

Alexis: [Corny] SO LONELY.

"Like those girls over there?" John said as he pointed at Yurika, Hitomi, and Marie three empty tables over.

Hibichi: [Corny] Hmm... nah. I'm more of a Rumiko Takahashi person.

Yurika, Hitomi, and Marie sat at their table as Yurika and Hitomi drank Freon Freak-Out Cooler to their hearts content.

Alexis: Yep. They took one sip and were pretty darned contented with that.

"Woo, baby!" Yurika beamed out of caffeination. "Can ya feel it!?"

Crow 2: Dear God, that stuff must be liquid Freon!
Kirin: Why didn't the FDA ban the stuff?

Hitomi chugged down some Freon Freak-Out Cooler before replying. "Yeah, baby, I feel it! I feel the LOOOOVE on this ship!"

Alexis: [Commercial] Due to the toxins found to be contained in Freon Freak-Out Cooler, we are recalling this product. Signs of contamination include sudden urges to impersonate Austin Powers and slurring of the word "love."

"Geez, girls!" Marie abashedly said. "You're embarrassing me."

Crow 2: Hey, don't blame her. Blame "Freon Freak-Out Cooler!"
Kirin: They're freaking out, all right.
Alexis: If they all turn into Freon clones, so will we.

"Hey, relax, guy!" Hitomi said as she slapped Marie on the back. "Loosen up those wires! Come on, tie one on!"

Kirin: To demonstrate, she ripped out one of Marie's wires out and tied it around her throat.
Crow 2: So acting like Saddam Hussein is contagious? Better not tell Dubya.

"You know androids can't take liquids." Marie complained.

Crow 2: Yeah. One beer and they're sprawled out on the floor. It's really quite sad.

"Fine then, you can be the designated driver!" Yurika said with a laugh.

All: [monotone] Ha ha ha. It is to laugh.

"We didn't take a car with us." Marie said. "We could've gone on the Freon Clipper out of Pier 66, ya know?"

Kirin: Geez, Freon Freak-Out Cooler, Freon Clipper, Freon Sea Travel. Where's Freon Airlines or the United States of Freon?
Alexis: That's for the sequel.

"Hey, guys..." Yurika then whispered

Alexis: Twelve.

as she glanced back and forth between the girls and John & Corny. "Babe alert, three tables over."

Alexis: She then said.
Kirin: BABE ALERT! BABE ALERT! EVASIVE MANEUVERS!
Alexis: Now THAT'S a bish guy flashback.
Crow 2/Hibichi: AUUUUGH!
Kirin: Dammit, what did I tell you?

She then

Alexis: Thirteen.

started giggling like a schoolgirl.

Hibichi: [Homer] You know me, Marge! The word "teat" makes me start giggling like a titmouse. Hehehe, hehehehehehe!
Kirin/Alexis/Crow 2: o/~ Three little maids from school are we, filled to the brim with girlish glee... o/~

Hitomi looked over, trying not to be noticed, and replied "You mean the guy with the 'fro and that guy who looks like something out of an Anne Rice novel?"

Alexis: [squinting] Wow, it's Bob Ross! I thought he was dead!
Crow 2: He is. That's why he looks like something out of an Anne Rice novel.
Alexis: ...oh.

"Yeah!" Yurika then said.

Alexis: Fourteen.
Kirin: [facepalming] Alexis...

"I'd shag 'em, would you?'

Hibichi: Okay, we have Japanese anime characters speaking in British slang. AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS?! [More smoke.]
Kirin: Now THAT'S crappy dubbing.

Marie rolled her eyes back,

Alexis: And they promptly rolled off the side of the boat and into the ocean. [snickers] Been wanting to make a gag like that since we started.

sighed, and said "Since when did this story become a lemon fic?"

Crow 2: Since God died and cast us all into darkness, I'd wager.
Alexis: Crow 2...

Roxii, since changed into a Galaxy Police uniform, and Mihoshi were sitting at a table in the Reflex Bar & Grill of Freon's ferry eating "Kintaro Freon Power Lunches" (Jalapeno & Cheese Corn Dogs, Chili Cheese Fritos, and Freon Freak-Out Cooler).

Kirin: [Mihoshi] May cause vomiting... what the hell is that supposed to mean?
Alexis: Even comes with a free Mylanta chaser! They're so nice.

Mihoshi ate from her corn dog, chewed, swallowed, and said to Roxii

Hibichi: [Mihoshi] Burrp.

"That uniform really looks good on you!"

Crow 2: [Mihoshi, waggling eyebrows] And I like a gal in uniform... *CLANG!*

"Girlfriend, I'd look good in men's clothing." Roxii bragged. "I once did a shoot with Utena Tenjou's school uniform, even."

Kirin: [Roxii] The uniform wore a pair of speedos and I wore a bikini.
Hibichi: So she plays the butch, then?

"So what's it like being a cosplay model?" Mihoshi then asked.

Alexis: Fifteen.
Crow 2: Stop counting, damnit!

"I like it," Roxii said. "But the people at Freon's modeling agency are pigs!

Alexis: Now here's a man who searches for qualities similar to his when hiring.

One day, they wanted me to dress up as one of the Bondage Fairies. Then, they wanted me to dress like Cutey Honey. And when I'm doing swimsuit shoots, I swear they're undressing me with their eyes. If I see Kintaro Freon again, I'm going to personally kick him squawr in the nuts!"

Alexis: [smiling broadly] W00t.
Crow 2: You psychic, Hibichi?
Hibichi: Naw, Freon's just that transparent.

"You want to do WHAT to his nuts?" Mihoshi said. "Now that's mean."

Alexis: She then said.
Kirin: Okay, that's enough.

Nurse Ling Ling walked up holding a fresh apple pie and said "Were you talking about Mr. Freon?"

"Yeah, we were." Roxii answered.

Crow 2: [Ling Ling] I thought so. I only seem to hear that kind of language when people talk about him.

"Because I want to give this to him." Nurse Ling Ling said as she showed them the pie. "He inserts himself into everything, so I thought 'why not give him a fresh apple pie?'"

Hibichi: Urk!
Alexis: I'm inclined to agree with you there. Ulp!
Kirin: This scene brought to you by the Society for Bad Mental Imagery in Fanfiction.

"Why am I suddenly thinking of some dumb American movie right now?" Roxii said with a sweatdrop.

Kirin: You mean Kangeroo Jack?
Alexis: Dude, Where's My Car?
Crow 2: Final Destination 2?
Hibichi: You mean Americans make any OTHER kind of movie?
[The others glare at him.]
Hibichi: [grinning] Zing.

"Say, I could go for some pie right now!" Kintaro Oe said from behind.

Hibichi: [Ling Ling, sing-song] Are you suuure?
Crow 2: [Kintaro] Yes I'm sure!
Hibichi: [Ling Ling] Shall we give it to him folks?
Others: [audience] Yes, let's give it to him!
Hibichi: [Ling Ling] All right, here you go! [He picks up a pie and pushes it in Crow 2's face.]
Crow 2: Hey!
Alexis: ...Where'd you get that?
Hibichi: ...You know, I have absolutely no clue.

"You stay the f*** outta this!" Roxii, Mihoshi, and Nurse Ling Ling yelled in unison.

Hibichi: I see Freon's been to the Dave and Dyne school of censoring.
Crow 2: [smacking beak] Hmm... cherry. Could've been worse, I suppose.

Stephan James Cox
aka Kintaro "Freon" Amano
Novelist, Anime Devotee
Reservations Sales Agent, United Airlines, Seattle
animenovelis-@hotmail.com
ICQ: 2613845
AOL IM: KinFreon

Kirin: Etcetera etcetera.

"They say the eyes are a window to the soul...
I guess that's why the Japanese draw them so big!"
--The Quotable Mr. Freon

Alexis: Or it could have something to do with cultural distinctions relating to the size of the eye as decided by the relative innocence of the character portrayed, but what the hell would I know?
Crow 2: All right if I go clean up?
Kirin: Yeah, what the hell. Let's take another break.
Hibichi: [nodding sagely] Breaks are good. I like breaks.
[They get up]
______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com

Crow 2: No, this isn't a plug at all!

End Part 3