This space for rent.
 

********************
Beginning Transmission
MiST #6
MiSTed Fic: Anime Northwest Love Boat
MiSTing Status: Confused
********************
 

The New, Improved, Season 1.5 theme song!

In the not-too-distant future
But not too close at hand
An author got her just desserts
By her own merry band!

She played the Mad and sent a lot of crap
To her characters she'd put into her trap
But their evil clones came from another place
And in a fit of inspiration they propelled her into space!
[Bodger: D'OH!]
[Others: Serves ya right!]

Dark Kirin: We'll send them awful fiction
And other Usenet waste! (La la la)
It's only really fitting
That she finally gets a taste! (La la la)

But Bodger doesn't worry much,
In fact it's all just fine (La la la)
Because her friends can MiST for her
Since they're all of the same mind!

S.I. Role Call!

Bodger! (I'm SI! Really!)
Kirin! (*shrugs*)
Alexis! (Grammar flaming: It's fun and easy too!)
Crow 2! (Why couldn't I be on the SoL?)
Hibiiiiichi! (AAAH! Bish Guy!)

If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
And other logic facts (La la la)
Remember they're all fictional (All: HEY!)
So sit back and relax

For Mystery Avatar Theater, 3000! *thunk*
 

SoA
 

[Bridge. Kirin, Alexis and Bodger are all reading books of one kind or another. Kirin seems to be reading something in some strange script (we can only presume it's Elfin). Alexis appears to be reading "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court. Bodger is reading some pulp detective novel.]

Kirin: Howdy folks, and welcome to the Satellite of Avatars. Well, we've just finished a rigorous cleaning of the Satellite, and now we're all sitting back and having some quiet time. So if you don't mind...

[He resumes reading. Pause. A Pokeball suddenly bounces across the scene. The trio look up for a minute, then turn back to their books. Hibichi and Crow 2 suddenly run past with croquet mallets. This also causes the trio to pause for a moment.]

Alexis: Don't mind those two. You know what they're like.

[They resume. The Pokeball suddenly whizzes past all of them causing them to fall backwards, seats and all. Hibichi and Crow 2 run past again, crawling over the furniture in the meantime.]

Kirin: We'll be right back folks. We've got some carnage to do.

Bodger: Oooh... anyone get the license on that Vulpix?
 

[The Bridge again. Crow 2 and Hibichi are bound together. The croquet mallets are broken. The Pokeball is currently in Alexis's possession.]

Alexis: Now do we need another little demonstration like that?

Crow 2/Hibichi: Uh, nope! Uh uh. Learned our lessons COMPLETELY.

Kirin: I sincerely doubt that.

Alexis: Well, better untie them anyway -- Jessie, James and Meowth are calling. [She presses the light.]
 

Castle Flipside
 

[Dark Kirin is in the foreground facing the camera. Dark Hibichi and Dark Alexis are in back playing a card game.]

D. Kirin: Hello, our lovely little dopplegangers! And how are things up there? Lovingly miserable, I hope?

D. Hibichi: Got any aces?

D. Alexis: Go fish.
 

SoA
 

Hibichi: (grumpily) Depends on who you're talking to.
 

Castle Flipside
 

D. Kirin: Aw, too bad. Well, tough cookies. We've got a lovely experiment all planned out for you.

D. Alexis: Any tens?

D. Hibichi: Go fish.
 

SoA
 

Kirin: [like Sir Lancelot] Give us the fanfic, bridgekeeper, we're not afraid!
 

Castle Flipside
 

D. Kirin: Well, you soon will be! Our item today is a juicy little fic from an old friend. It's called "Anime Northwest Love Boat."

D. Hibichi: Fours?

D. Alexis: Go fish.
 

SoA
 

Kirin: Huh, that doesn't sound so bad.
 

Castle Flipside
 

D. Kirin: You haven't heard the author's name. It's Kintaro Amano.
 

SoA
 

[Hibichi, Crow 2 and Alexis are running around in the background screaming at the top of their lungs. Kirin is still looking at the camera looking completely sedate.]

Kirin: We can handle it. [Looks at others] Cut that out!
 

Castle Flipside
 

D. Hibichi: You know, this would work a lot better if ONE of us would stop cheating.

D. Alexis: You wanna volunteer? Be my guest.

D. Hibichi: But I wanna win!

D. Alexis: Well so do I. Jacks.

D. Hibichi: Go fish.

D. Kirin: [Looks at others, then sighs] Well, here you go, my victims. Go insane quickly, will you? [He pushes the button]
 

SoA

All: AAAAAAAAAGGH! WE'VE GOT SELF-INSERTION SIGN!
 

[Door Sequence:
   Door 6: It's an ordinary vault door, complete with combination lock.
   Door 5: It's an advert for the Love Boat! You jump overboard and swim into a little cave not far off the port bow.
   Door 4: Anime characters are gathered together like the album cover of "Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band." You take their photo and they wander off.
   Door 3: It's a boulder. You shout, "Open Sesame!" and it moves aside magically.
   Door 2: James Bond and an otaku appear to be getting bonded together by some maniacal genius. You watch long enough for Bond to escape and save the day (AGAIN) and continue on.
   Door 1: It's an ordinary theater entrance.]

Kirin: What the hell happened with that Bish man?
Alexis: Best for your sanity you never find out, Kirin.

From: Anne Trottier
To:
Subject: ANW Love Boat Pt 1
Date: Tuesday, February 22, 2000 5:24 PM

Kirin: Looks like an X-File.
Hibichi: Probably reads like one too.

Anime Northwest Love Boat

Crow 2: [singing] o/~ Exciting and new... o/~

By Kintaro Amano

Alexis: Self-insert and macho man extraordinaire.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Freon Sea Travel welcomes you to Pier 48."

Kirin: [announcer] Now bugger off.

the announcer at Seattle's Pier 48 said to the people and cars lined up for the 'Princess Millerna' ferry to Victoria. "The 'Princess Millerna' will be boarding shortly for the trip to Victoria, British Columbia..."

Alexis: But first, a word from our sponsors.
Crow 2: Which, knowing Freon, are probably Mountain Dew and the great minty taste of ALTOIDS!

"I told you, Mr. Yamaguchi," Mr. Freon, a young man in a business suit and backwards baseball cap with the Canadian flag, said into his cell phone as he sat in his Cadillac parked on the dock.

Kirin: [Freon] It's the red wire first, THEN the blue one! Well, I'll send someone up to clean up your remains.
Alexis: And we have SELF-INSERTION!

"I want those reports on my desk before I get back. I'm not fooling around here. I want to know what's making money and what's losing money."

Crow 2: [Yamaguchi] Oh, that's easy, sir. I'M making money. YOU'RE losing money. Sayonara, suckers!

'I wish he would relax.' Anne, his confidential secretary, said as she drank a Mountain Dew.

Alexis: Oh no, there aren't any hidden commercials in this fic at ALL, your honor -- why do you ask?
Crow 2: See? SEE?! I told you! I TOLD YOU! [laughs maniacally]
Kirin: Geezus, it's only halfway through the first chapter. Save the insanity for later, for Kryst's sake.

"Freon-san..." she then said.

"And I don't care if your kid's baseball team is in the championships." Mr. Freon then said.

Kirin: [Freon] And don't give me that crap about Never-Never Land and your secretly being Peter Pan grown up again! Screw up again, Banning, and your kiester is MINE!

"I want elbows and asses on those reports.

Hibichi: [Yamaguchi] You want me to record that too, sir?
Alexis: Two words, kid: Bish Man.
Hibichi: ACK! [begins hitting himself on the head] Must... get... image... out of... HEAD!
Alexis: [smiling smugly] It's good to have a lever.

You gotta put out for me, simpatico?

Crow 2: [Freon] I heard that movie sucked!
Kirin: You're stretching it.

Good. And you have a nice day." Freon then hung up his phone and put it in his jacket pocket.

Kirin: Which promptly fell through the hole and into the water. He really needed to stop getting his suits from the thrift store...

"Freon-san?"

"What is it, Anne?"

Hibichi: [Anne] We're poets and we don't even know it.

Anne pointed towards the fly of his pants and said "Your fly's open."

Kirin: [Anne] And might I just say that that's a pretty fly for a white guy.
[General "Oh brothers" and "Kirins!" from the others.]

Freon looked down and saw that his fly was indeed open. "Well spank my ass and call me Hiroko."

Crow 2: This isn't the time to be talking about your fetishes, Freon.
Alexis: [non-chalently, to herself] Bish, bish, bish, a bishie requisite-t-t-t-t-t...
[Surprisingly for a robot, Crow 2 pales. Alexis grins.]

he then said as he zipped his fly.

Hibichi: Zip that fly! [Begins making rap sounds]
Kirin: Kid, stop RIGHT there.

"I don't think spanking your ass is in my job description." Anne replied.

Crow 2: [Freon] You didn't read the fine print, did you?

Yurika Misumaru from "Martian Sucessor Nadesico", Hitomi Kanzaki from "The Vision of Escaflowne", and the android Marie Karigari from "My Dear/Metal Angel Marie" were in line on the dock waiting

Hibichi: For the sailors to come into port.
Alexis: Not to mention all the pretty bishounens.
Hibichi: Dammit, stop that already!
Alexis: I'd like to, but I can't.

to board the ship. All three of them wore

Crow 2: Nossink! [notices Alexis grinning] ... 'cept the clothes on their back, of course.

light and breezy Spring outfits and each had a backpack on their backs.

Alexis: As opposed to their fronts, of course.
Crow 2: [singing] o/~ Light and easy breezy Anime Girl... o/~

"I heard that Victoria is very beautiful in the Springtime." Hitomi commented.

Kirin: [Marie] Yeah, but it's a real dung heap anytime else!

"That's right!" Marie beamed. "There's flowers everywhere! They're so pretty!"

Alexis: [Marie, Cutsy-poo] And dere's twees and birdies and oh so many cute widdle animals!
Hibichi: [Yurika] Marie, did you skip your medication again?
Alexis: [Marie] It made the orange bunnies go away. I was sad.

"I heard there's a cool karaoke bar on Douglas!" Yurika added. "And we're booked at The Empress! Oooh, this is gonna be so sweet!"

Kirin: Let me guess... Freon's invited them.
Alexis: Probably.
Crow 2: Little did they know the Empress had just been torn down accidentally.

"I wonder if it's anything like Asturia?" Hitomi wondered. "I wonder if they have any guys like Captain Amano or Van?"

Alexis: [Yurika] Oh hell with Van, it's Amano-sempai for me all the way! Tee hee, tee hee.
Kirin: You're never going to let that go, are you?
Alexis: Not in a million years.

"Oh, forget about those guys." Yurika said. "We're going to have an all-girl trip in Vic-to-ri-a, baby!"

Crow 2: And Austin Powers rears his dental-hygenically deprived head again!

"You're so full of yourself, Yurika." Marie responded. "You know, that can be a turn-off.

Kirin: Folks, tired of missing your exit from the freeway? Then just become full of yourself for an INSTANT TURN-OFF!
Crow 2: Kirin, if you don't stop with the puns right now...

"Oh, let her have her fun." Hitomi said with a giggle.

Alexis: Is this the Hitomi Girl from Baka-Con?
Hibichi: No, I think this is the real thing.
Alexis: Poopie.

Kintaro Oe from "Golden Boy" and Joe Saeba from "City Hunter" walked down the dock when Chrissy and Yugami caught their eyes.

Crow 2: They promptly gave them back to them.

They both wore smart casual clothing while Kintaro had his notebook in his hand.

Hibichi: Note that the color is black, ladies and gentlemen.
Alexis: So what, there are TWO Kintaros in this fic?
Kirin: No, I think they're different people.
Alexis: Thank God for that. I was afraid we were going to get an "evil twin" story going.
Kirin: I'll second that.

"Hey, Joe..." Kintaro said.

All: Whaddaya know?

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Hibichi: [Joe] I think so, Kintaro, but I don't think the captain will let us go jet-skiing off the back of the boat...

"Nookie!" Joe cheered as they walked towards the girls.

Alexis: What about crannies?
Hibichi: Actually, nookie is --
Alexis: I know what nookie is, THANK YOU. I was HOPING WE COULD TRY AND AVOID THE SUBJECT, PLEASE.

"Do you have the feeling that someone is behind you?" Chrissy asked Yugami before they turned around to find

Kirin: The camera looking at them.

Kintaro and Joe smiling.

Crow 2: [Kintaro and Joe] We know something yooooou don't!

"Uh, hi..." Yugami said.

Hibichi: Mitchell.
Crow 2: ...?
Hibichi: I dunno, it just sort of came to me...

"Hello, ladies." Kintaro responded.

"Going to Victoria?" Joe said.

Kirin: [Chrissy] No, we're going to Mars. Where do you think, you idiot?

"No, actually," Chrissy said sarcastically. "We're going to Bremerton. I think we're at the wrong dock."

Kirin: D'oh!
Alexis: Why does backlash seem to happen more often in Amano fics than any others?

"I see those Freon Sea Travel tickets in your hands." Golden Boy then said.

Hibichi: [Golden Boy] Or are you just happy to see me?
Alexis: [Chrissy] Only 'cause you're bishy.
[Hibichi pales.]
Kirin: That does it. No more injoking with stuff I'm not in on.
Alexis: [pouting] Awww...

Chrissy and Yugami took the tickets to Victoria in their hands and put them behind their backs.

Alexis: [Yugami] Guess which hand. Come on, guess!

"Oh, darn." Yugami replied. "Where did those come from?"

Crow 2: Hey, you're the ones that bought them. Don't ask us.
Kirin: The ticket office. Where else?

"Say, wanna go out?" Joe said with a big smile. "I know of a good nookie bar on Douglas!"

Alexis: D'oh! Freud would have a field day with those two!

Chrissy and Yugami then looked at them with displeasure.

Kirin: [snooty] We are not amused.

"Did I say nookie?" Joe said nervously. "I meant karaoke. Yeah! Karaoke!"

Crow 2: [Joe] Where... uh... we can SING "I Did It All For the Nookie!" Yeah! Yeah! It's a Limp Bizkit night!

Yugami and Chrissy then took out 2000 ton mallets and brought them down on Kintaro and Joe.

Hibichi: KA-BONG!
Alexis: Hammerspace strikes again.
Kirin: You realize, of course, if this were real life they'd be splattered by now...
Crow 2: Kirin, if this were real life, I'd fear for our souls.

"Perverts." the girls then said.

Hibichi: No no no, that's HENTAIS. If you're going to be in a proper anime fanboy fanfic, get it right!

"I didn't say anything." Kintaro said.

Kirin: I'm not going to even bother pointing out the irony of that last statement.

"You're a pervert by association." Joe said.

Alexis: Perverts Inc.: For all your perverted needs.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Kirin: What, that's it already?
Crow 2: That's just part one.
Kirin: Oh joy...

Stephan James Cox
aka Kintaro "Freon" Amano
Novelist, Anime Devotee
Reservations Sales Agent, United Airlines, Seattle

Hibichi: He's Seattle?
Crow 2: Maybe he took it up as a job. You know, like how Dr. Scratch- n-Sniff became New York City in "The Escape."

animenovelis-@hotmail.com
ICQ: 2613845
AOL IM: KinFreon

Alexis: AOL? Gee, then how are all the babes supposed to talk dirty to him then?

"They say the eyes are a window to the soul...
I guess that's why the Japanese draw them so big!"
--The Quotable Mr. Freon

Crow 2: Really? Gee, I just assumed it was because they were on drugs or something...
Alexis: Since when was anything Freon said quotable?
Kirin: Oh, it's always been quotable, in a mind-scarring sort of way...

______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com

[They get up]
Kirin: We'll keep that in mind, thanks.

[They exit the theater]

[Door Sequence: 1-2-3-4-5-6]

SoA

[The crew are all gathered together in a circle except for Bodger, who is nowhere to be seen.]

Hibichi: You know, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately...

Alexis: [quietly] That's a first.

Hibichi: Hush! And I was just wondering -- isn't it just slightly hypocritical of us to be making fun of self-insertion characters? I mean, in a way WE'RE just as bad as any SI.

Kirin: Yeah, but we're not aspects of the author put into other people's worlds to solve other people's problems. I mean, haven't you noticed that in most of these SI worlds, the events are manipulated just to make the hero look good?

Hibichi: Yeah, but who's to say that OUR worlds aren't being manipulated to satisfy our own needs? I mean, think about it! You two are both cynicial, intelligent people with a loathing of stereotypes, right?

[Kirin and Alexis look uncomfortable.]

Kirin: Well... yeah...

Hibichi: And despite whatever drawbacks occur for you, things always turn out for the best, right?

Alexis: Well, not COMPLETELY for the best...

Kirin: What about YOU, kid?

Hibichi: Me? I reckon I'm what the author would LIKE to be -- carefree, happy, not afraid of consequences.

Kirin: So basically, you're saying that by being who we are, we're as bad as Marrissa Picard.

Hibichi: Yeah!

Alexis: Marrissa "Ensign-princess-queen-powerteen-hyperintelligent- adults-are-idiots-compared-to-me" Picard?

Hibichi: Er...

Kirin: Or Kintaro "chicks-dig-me-guys-love-me-villains-cower-before- me" Amano?

Hibichi: Um...

Crow 2: Give it up, kid.

Hibichi: ...

Kirin: Well, THAT was enlightening. We'll be right back.