Eddie Izzard Quotes


You probably won't think these are funny unless you've seen Eddie Izzard's shows, but z'all good! Here's some background info: Eddie Izzard is a popular British stand-up comedian. He has several tapes out you can purchase. He is a straight transvestite, but calls himself a male lesbian. Also, if you don't like swearing, don't read these quotes. :)

"He realized he was punching a baboon."

"Stop using taps!"

"I like my coffee like I like my women. Covered in beeeees!"


"Nooo! You don't have the Nottingham Twang!"

"Fuck off Phil, I'm the Queen."

"I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less."

"You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants."

"Help!! I'm covered in beeeeeeees!!"

"If you've never seen an elephant ski then you've never been on acid."

"The National Rifle Association says that guns don't kill people, people do, but I think the gun helps."

"I shall start a new religion in this country, the Psychotic Bastard religion."

"In Miami, and they were saying 'we've redecorated this building to how it looked over FIFTY YEARS ago' and the people were going'"No! Surely not! No! No one was alive then!'"

"When I was in school I didn't tell the kids I was a transvestite, cause I thought they might kill me with sticks."

"You wouldn't even dream of training your cat. Cat, come for training. Now stay... sta- HELLO? HELLO?"

"Shagging sells everything. An advert for coffee, do you want a cup of coffee?, ooh, let's shag. Advert for chocolate bars, two bits of chocolate, one eats the other, let's have a shag. Cleaning something, clean the floor, shag on the floor. Dog food, dog eats dog food... and anyway-"

"So then, God created the world. And on the first day he created light and air and fish and jam and soup, potatoes and haircuts and arguments and small things and rabbits and people with noses and, uh, jam -- more jam, perhaps -- and, uh, and soot and flies and tobogany and showers and toasters and grandmothers and, uh, Belgium."

"A speedboat! It'll really kick ass! It'll give great photos to the people in the Bible! We can get all the animals with long ears to sit on the side! Fucking excellent!"
(being Sean Connery playing Noah)

"No, you piss off-- I'm the Queen!"

"I will eat all of the leaves on this tree. I will eat more leaves than I should. And then other giraffes may die. I am an evil herbivore!"

"It's absolutely true, it would be crap if it wasn't, he rattled the bloody bag and went, 'No, it's just a bag'. Oh, Captain Clever! Rattle it, if it doesn't go off it can't be a bomb!"

"Britian conquered the world with the cunning use of flags!:
'I claim India in the name of Britain!'
'You can't do that! We live here! There are 500 million of us!'
'... but do you have a flag?...'
'We don't need a flag! We live here!'
'Well... NO FLAG, NO COUNTRY! You can't have one!! ... Cause those are the rules... that I made up... just now...'"

"Hitler was a mass-murdering fuckhead... as many prominent historians have said before."

"If a woman falls down wearing heels, it's just embarrasing. But if a bloke falls down wearing heels he's got to kill himself! It's the end of his life!"

"Num num num, said a posh person to me today... num num num, and I believe him."

"I want to be bigger than McDonald's."

"What can be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade?"

"Your cat is drilling behind the sofa."

"We want speed archeology! Big fuck off diggers!"

"I want to fill this rat with the entire Gobi Dessert."

"You arrange it in a bowl... and then you watch it ROT."

"Hey God, get out of bed you'll miss the best part of the day, Ahhhhhhh no mother I will not because I haven't yet created the best part of the day. Ahhhhhhh boxed clever you see."

"And pears can fuck off! They're gorgeous devils, but they're ripe for HALF AN HOUR."

"Remember, the curly toed miracle keeps the flip flop on."

"Why do bees make honey? Do earwigs make chutney? Do spiders make gravy?"

"Welcome to Church of England. Cake or death?"

"So... Yeah!"

"Hannibal, his brothers Hasaball, Haddaball and Haddabanana."

"Danger could be my middle name. But it's John."

"Wouldn't you rather die and be twung into a tree?"

"Hey, Bridgewater! But no-one here is really from Bridgewater? Okay, okay, we can check this out, we'll check it out by the method I've devised especially for things like this, which isn't the sort of the hands in the air, or the American method where you do applause, which is really weird, 'cos you know, you've seen it on chat shows where they go 'Who likes fish?', and the audience do applause, 'Well done fish. Bravo fish. Well done to us for liking fish'. In Britain we go 'Oh, that's so stupid', but they don't, they go 'No, we're quite clever'. Then, in Britain there's the hands up method, but that draws attention to you, and people hate that, 'cos they think, you know, someone says 'Who likes jam?', and if you put your hand up, someone's going to throw a tiger in your lap... 'It's a fucking tiger!', so I've come up with this method, and it really works well for British people who really don't want to draw attention to themselves, and it's got this built in thing, 'cos someone says 'Who likes jam?', and if you like jam, you go 'Urrrrrrrrrr' (quiet groaning type sound), really non committal, you don't move any of your body, you just go 'Urrrrrr', then because everyone else is making a noise, no-one can tell who actually likes jam, people can go 'Did you say you like jam?', and you can go 'No, I deny it, I deny it' and you can deny it all the way to court."

Which Izzard Are You?

Surreal Izzard: You talk bollocks all the time, and don't care who knows it. You are King Pig from Hell, and talk to strange people on buses. Your underwear is consipring against you, and if James Mason was here, he'd have something to say about it. And that something would be WEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOO.

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