Damn it, Alexis thought looking down at the letter in front of her, another dead-end. She had been in Greece three months and was having no more luck than the last time she had come. That had been just after graduation. She had come looking for answers about her past but had found none. Now she was back following a new lead but again the result had been nothing. Jerry had told her she could stay at his house as long as she wanted but she no longer had any reason to stay. She would tell him she was leaving as soon as he got back from his trip. The house was beautiful, right on the beach and she would be sad to leave it. She had spent many hours walking on the sand, staring out into the ocean. Jerry had been away on business trips for most of the past three months. Even when he was in town he was usually busy with his latest conquest and the house was large enough that she barely saw him.
She looked down at the gardens below. They were beautiful and they reminded her of something she couldn't quite place. Perhaps there had been gardens like these at her childhood home. There was so much she couldn't remember about that time.
"The gardens are lovely this time of year." An accented voice said from behind her and she spun to see whom it belonged to. She wasn't expecting Jerry back for another week.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. I'm Jax," he offered her a gentle somewhat cocky smile and Alexis decided she like him. So this was Jasper Jacks, or Jax, as he preferred to be called. Alexis had heard all about him from Jerry.
"Alexis." She said offering her hand.
He was a bit taken aback by her easiness and the fact that she offered no explanation of who she was or why she was in his house. He decided she must be Jerry's latest flame and yet there was something different about her.
"It's nice to meet you Alexis. You're an American?" He asked noticing her accent.
"Yes, well no... I mean..." He found her nervousness adorable and decided immediately that he liked her. "I mean I was born here in Greece but I moved to New York when I was still a child." What on earth had prompted her to tell him that? Not even Jerry, her closest friend lately, knew that she was originally from Greece.
"Ah I see. Is this your first time back?"
"No I came here just after I graduated and stayed a couple years. I'm just back visiting this time." And searching for my past, she added silently.
"Do your parents still live here?"
"Um no my parents both passed away when I was a child." Again she was telling him more than she had told even her closest friends. There was something about his eyes that told her she could trust him.
"I'm sorry that must have been rough."
"I honestly don't really remember. Jerry didn't tell me you were coming," she said as much to change the subject as anything.
"He didn't know. I just closed a major deal and I thought I'd come down here and relax for a couple weeks. Where is Jerry anyway?"
"Brazil. He should be back on Saturday, unless something else comes up." Jax could not imagine why his brother would leave this beautiful woman alone in Greece while he was in Brazil? Still she did not seem upset by his absence. No she was not one of the simpering, clingy women his brother normally went for. She had independent written all over her.
"So how long have you and Jerry been seeing each other?" She began to laugh, lightly at first then doubled over in uncontrolled giggles.
"I'm sorry it's just... dating Jerry would be like going to the fair, sure it's fun but you spend most of your time waiting in line."
He had joined in her laughter then, realizing his mistake, and the opportunity it presented. They had spent the rest of the afternoon trading Jerry stories.
That evening Jax went out with Alexis to walk along the beach and stare silently out at the water. He wanted to ask her what she was thinking about, what she was remembering but was afraid of ruining the moment. Over the next few days they settled into a routine. They swam in the mornings, spent their afternoon talking or reading and every evening they took a walk along the beach until it was dark. Then they would go back to the house, each to their own bedroom. On the fourth evening as they entered the house he reached up and stroked her cheek. Then he leaned forward and kissed her. That night they would both go to Jax's room.
He had never felt this way about a woman Jax thought as he watched her sleep. She was beautiful, intelligent, funny, neurotic and above all else independent. Only when she was asleep did she let her guard down, her arms wrapped around his body, her head resting lightly on his chest. The next day Jax had asked her to move into his room and they had had their first fight. Three hours later they had made up only after it was agreed that she would keep her room but spend her nights in his bed. And it was in Jax's bed two mornings later that Jerry found them, wrapped in each other's arms, still asleep. He had retreated to the kitchen and waited for them to wake up. Jax entered the room soon after.
"Jerry, you're back." Jax greeted his brother warmly.
"Yeah I hadn't realized you were here."
"I arrived a week ago."
"A week, is that all?" Jerry asked suspiciously. "You move fast little brother," he said nodding in the direction of Jax's room where Alexis still lay, fast asleep. Jax realized Jerry must have seen them earlier and didn't bother trying to cover; after all he had nothing to be ashamed of.
"She's amazing Jerry."
"I know."
"You don't... I mean you weren't..."
"No relax little brother Alexis is just a friend as I'm sure she told you. She's a very good friend," Jerry added suddenly becoming serious. "I don't want her hurt."
"Neither do I, Jerry I think I'm falling in love with her." Suddenly Jerry looked pained.
"Don't."
"Jerry?"
"I don't want to see you hurt either so take my advice, don't fall in love with her."
"Why not?"
"Because she'll never be able to give you what you want. I've known Alexis for a few years and I've seen it before. There's a part of her you won't be able to reach, at first it's a mystery, then a challenge, eventually it becomes an obstacle. Trust me little brother, don't go there."
Jax couldn't believe what Jerry was saying. He had just found the woman of his dreams and his brother was telling him to let her go? For a moment Jax wondered if Jerry was in love with Alexis himself, if it was jealousy that was making him speak this way. Turning away from his brother he went back into his room and climbed into the bed gently moving her into his arms. Jerry was wrong, he had to be. He was in love with Alexis and he wasn't about to let her go. She had felt him get into the bed and opened her eyes as his arms encircled her.
"Hey, is everything okay?" She asked sleepily.
"Yeah, Jerry's back."
"Oh, should I go back to my room?"
"No way, we agreed this is where you sleep. Don't worry, Jerry already knows about us."
"You told him?"
"He saw us. I guess he saw my car and came to my room to tell me he was here and..." He suddenly smiled at her.
"What?"
"You're even more beautiful when you blush." She glared at him and began to get out of bed. "What's wrong?" He asked grabbing her wrist in a firm but gentle grip.
"I'm not one of your temperamental girlfriends. I chose to be in your bed, you don't need to placate me with pretty words."
"You're mad at me because I said you were beautiful?" Jax asked incredulously.
"I'm mad at you because you're treating me like I'm stupid."
"Alexis I would never treat you like you're stupid and I didn't tell you are beautiful to placate you, I said it because it's true." She looked at him with both embarrassment and skepticism.
"Hasn't anyone told you how beautiful you are?"
"Just Michael." She answered automatically then regretted it. She hadn't intended to tell him about Michael.
"Michael? A boyfriend?"
"No, Michael is, he was my best friend when I was a kid. We lived across the hall from each other when I moved to New York."
Ever since then Jax had been jealous of Michael, this man who had known her first, loved her first. Who knew her secrets, the things that caused her nightmares but that she refused to talk about with him. There was something in the way she said his name, the way she looked when she spoke of him. She called him her best friend but in truth, Michael had been her first love.
One week later Alexis heard a ringing noise through the mist of sleep that engulfed her. Opening her eyes she was able to make out the phone on the nightstand. She picked it up without thinking and said a sleep muffled hello.
"Alexis dear, did I wake you? I'm sorry I thought I had dialed Jax's extension." Alexis recognized the voice immediately as Jax's mother. She had called several times while Alexis had been staying at the house, first looking for Jerry and later to talk with her. Alexis realized that Jax's room had a separate phone line, which she had just answered.
"Um well..."
"Alexis is someone on the phone?" Jax asked from the other side of the bed. There was no way Lady Jane hadn't heard him and so Alexis silently handed him the phone and mouthed "your mother".
"Lady Jane, good morning." He greeted cheerfully watching Alexis blush furiously. "Yes that was Alexis. Yes. Yes. No. Yes." Alexis was beginning to go insane listening to a one-sided conversation that was revealing nothing so she grabbed one of Jax's shirts and headed to the kitchen.
"Good morning Alexis." Jerry greeted.
"What is it with you people?" Alexis asked glaring at him. "How can you be that cheerful this early in the morning?"
"Sounds like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed."
"Exactly. If I had been on the other side, Jax would have answered the phone and everything would be fine."
"The phone?"
"Your mother called this morning."
"And you answered the phone?"
"Yes."
"Jax's phone." Jerry said as the realization hit. He began to laugh and Alexis grabbed a cushion of the sofa and threw it at him.
"This isn't funny."
"Of course not," he said still laughing. A few minutes later Jax entered the room.
"So?" Alexis asked nervously. "What did you tell her? What did she say?" Jax sat down beside her.
"I told her the truth, that we're together and she's thrilled. She really likes you Lex in fact she's hoping we can go up to Alaska soon so she can meet you in person."
"Oh what did you say?" Alexis asked.
"I told her I'd talk to you about it. So what do you think?"
"I don't know I mean I really should be getting back to New York soon." Jax was shocked. This was the first time Alexis had mentioned going back to the states. "Can we talk about it later, I need to have a shower."
"Sure" he replied still trying to figure out what was going on.
"And so it begins." His brother said as soon as Alexis was out of the room.
"Shut up Jerry." He yelled on his way out the front door.
Later that afternoon Jax came back to the house to find Alexis standing on the balcony in the exact spot he had first seen her.
"Hi."
"Hi"
"Where's Jerry?"
"He had a date."
"Of course."
"Alexis-"
"Jax-"
They spoke at the same time.
"Ladies first."
"I want to meet your parents Jax, it's just its all moving really fast. I mean, we've only known each other a couple weeks."
"I know Alexis and I'm not trying to rush you into anything, honestly. It's just that I've never felt this way about anyone. Alexis I..."
"Jax," she interrupted him, a look of panic on her face. "I need you to promise me something."
"Anything." He agreed instantly growing concerned by the fear he saw in her eyes.
"Don't say it."
"Alexis?"
"I care about you Jax and I know you care about me. Do you understand? I know, you don't need to say it, you can't say it. Please promise me." Her voice was becoming more panicked and Jax wrapped his arms around her in an attempt to calm her. He could feel her body trembling, a shudder born in fear. He had promised her, whispered it over and over to her as he held her, until at last the trembling stopped. One month later she agreed to go with him to Alaska to meet his parents.
"I can't do this." She told him in a panicked voice just before his mother opened the door.
"Hello dear, you must be Alexis, come in, its freezing out there."
Within minutes Alexis had been made to feel welcome. His parents were kind and loving she never heard them speak harshly towards each other or their children. She found in Lady Jane the mother she had longed for. Later she realized she fell in love with his entire family that week, him most of all.
Jax was waiting downstairs for Alexis, it was their last evening in Alaska and he had it all planned. When Alexis came downstairs she found the room bathed in candlelight, a small table set up by the window with dinner for two.
"Impressive."
"It's amazing what you can accomplish with the right motivation," he told her as he took her hand and led her to the table. He waited until after dinner, refusing to believe that this was because he was scared of what she might say. Finally he took her hand in his.
"Alexis there's something I want to ask you but I need you to let me finish before you say anything." He saw the fear in her eyes and he silently cursed the person who had put it there. "Alexis please can you just listen?" She knew what he was going to ask and she had to stop him before...
"Alexis?"
"I can't."
"Just hear me out."
"No. I know what you're going to say, what you want to ask me. I'm telling you I can't."
"I know you're afraid Alexis but I promise I won't hurt you. I won't let anything hurt you."
"I'm not just worried about myself Jax. It will end badly for both of us. We'll both end up hurt. It's better to end it now." And yet she knew that ending it would break her heart. She loved Jax. Silently she wished he could somehow convince her to say yes, that it was possible for them to be happy.
"You think I won't be hurt if you walk away from me now? Alexis nothing that happens could be worse than knowing you never even gave us a chance. It doesn't need to be this way. Let me show you that love can be good. Please Alexis, me a chance. Give us a chance." They were both in tears when she finally said yes. She cried for him because she knew that in giving in she was being selfish and in the end he would pay for it.
The wedding was small only Jax's parents and Jerry attended. Jax had encouraged her to invite someone but she had refused. She had briefly considered inviting Michael; he was the closest thing she had to family. And yet somehow she knew it would have been wrong to have him there, unfair to him, and to Jax. She had been so nervous during the ceremony that Jax had to prompt her twice before she said I do. Afterwards they had gone back to Greece. Alexis had received another lead and wanted to follow it up. She didn't tell this to Jax, only that she missed Greece.
He should have been happy. He was married to the most wonderful woman in the world, a woman he was madly in love with. The problem was he couldn't tell her. She cringed when he told her she was beautiful, she ran away when he spoke of love. She had told him nothing more about her past than she had when he first met her. He had even asked her about Michael, despite his jealousy, hoping that she would tell him something about her life before he knew her. Instead she had deflected the question in her usual manner. He sent her roses on their first month anniversary, then the second, third... He signed each card, Happy Anniversary, your husband. He never even wrote the word she had forbidden him to say. He was so afraid of losing her, and yet a part of him knew that eventually he would. Perhaps he had always known.
Once he realized this he tried to distance himself from her, taking more business trips, working as much as possible. He was trying to make himself need her less, love her less. He was also trying to make her miss him. His plan backfired. While she seemed content with his new schedule he missed her constantly.
Soon he had a new plan. He was determined to heal her heart. To make her trust love, trust him. He took her to dinner, danced with her under the stars, and made love to her every night as though it would be their last together. When she told him that she was pregnant he was thrilled. For the first time he felt that maybe she would stay. She seemed more confident, more relaxed and he allowed himself to hope.
Two months later their world collapsed. The doctors had told them it was not meant to be, that they could have others. But there would be no others. Something happened to her when their child died. It was as though her worst fears of love had been confirmed. She had lost more than a child, she had lost hope. She told him she was leaving, going back to New York, and he had offered to go with her. She refused, telling him she needed time, by herself. He called almost every night and they talked for hours, about business, Jerry, his parents, but never about their relationship. He had come to New York twice to see her. The second time he came they made love and in the morning she told him she wanted a divorce. He went to Europe throwing himself into one deal after another. She got a job as assistant district attorney.
The divorce was finalized just over fourteen months after they had exchanged vows. Alexis couldn't help but feel the gods of fate were laughing at her. It was the day their child would have been born.
Jax sat alone in a London hotel room, staring at the document while the radio played in the background.
Those happy hours I spent with you
That lovely afterglow
Most of all, I miss you so
Your sweet caresses, each rendezvous
Your voice so soft and low
Most of all, I miss you so
You once filled my heart with
No regrets, no fears
Now you'll find my heart
filled to the top with tears
I'll always love you and want you, too
How much you'll never know
Most of all, I miss you so.
He took another drink, then threw the glass against the wall watching the shattered pieces fall to the floor.
Sitting alone in New York, tears streaming down her face Alexis heard the words played over and over in her mind.
"This is what becomes of love."
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