Alexis sat silently as Jax drove her home. Not home she reminded herself but to the hotel. It seemed to her that she had been living in hotels for most of her life. She was always visiting or traveling through, never home. She had come to Port Charles hoping to find home. Seeing Kristina tonight had made her realize just how much she had to gain, or to lose. What if she had made a huge mistake in coming here? Kristina seemed happy with the life she had, was it fair to impose herself into that life uninvited? Just because she wanted to know her family did not mean they would want to know her. And even if they did embrace her with open arms, did she really want them to? The Cassadines were not exactly the Brady bunch, after all. Maybe she should just forget about it. Move back to New York and leave the Cassadines alone. She didn't even realize Jax had stopped the car until he came around and opened the door for her.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Jax asked when they returned to her hotel room.
"About what?"
"Any of it, Kristina, Zander, Luke..."
"Jax I really can't get into it."
"Of course not, I should have known."
"Jax?"
He couldn't take it anymore. He wanted to help, to let her know that he was there for her but didn't know how. It had always been this way with them, him loving her and her fighting him at every turn.
"I shouldn't have asked. We both know you're not going to open up to me. Sometimes I wonder why I even try."
"Well no one is asking you too."
"Least of all you, right. Fine Alexis if you want to be alone, then go ahead." He slammed the door and she fell onto the sofa and did something she almost never did, she cried. She thought about running after him, apologizing but she couldn't. She loved Jax and always would but he couldn't understand, he had never been able to understand her fear. Michael understood, at least partially. He knew what it was to be small and helpless, to be trapped. He too had witnessed the pain that love could cause. Alexis cried for Michael and Natasha, innocents who suffered in ways children never should. She cried for Jax and the life they had known. He had tried to build a perfect world for her where he could protect and care for her. Where she could learn to love. In the end she did love him, more than she had thought possible. It wasn't enough to protect them and in the end she had left, she had to, before either of them got hurt again. She cried until at last she fell into a fitful sleep.
She had been playing in the other room when she heard the woman's voice begin to yell.
"Did you actually think he cared about you and your bastard? You are an amusing toy for him, a play thing."
She stood in the doorway watching as the angry woman grabbed her mother not knowing what to do.
"My Daddy loves my Mama." She shouted.
"What did you say?" She asked turning to look at the small girl. "My goodness it's the little bastard herself.""
"Natasha run away." Her mother yelled, but she did not move, she couldn't. Though she had never been so frightened in her life something drove her to stay where she was. She had to help her mother, to protect her.
"My Daddy loves my Mama, he told her so," she repeated, this time she barely whispered the words.
"Is that so?" The lady tightened her grip on Kristin and Natasha saw that she was holding something in her hand. "Well then child remember this, this is what becomes of love." She took the knife and lifted it to Kristen's neck. Natasha covered her eyes, and heard her mother scream.
Alexis woke up with a start. She was barely able to catch her breath. She had had the dream before but never this intense, never this complete. Without thinking she put on a pair of pants and shirt. She left the hotel and began to walk. It began to rain and the raindrops mixed with her tears as she continued walking not caring that she was now drenched. The words kept repeating themselves in her head, Helena's words. They were the words she heard whenever someone got too close, as Jax had. As she walked she tried to remember her mother's face, before Helena. She tried to remember her laughing or talking but she couldn't. The only true memory she had of her life before New York was the one that began when she heard her mother and Helena arguing and ended with her mother's scream.
She had no idea how long she walked had no destination in mind when she set out and yet somehow she ended here. She knocked softly at the door. Half of her hoped he was asleep, that he would not hear. Then the door opened and he stood before her staring in surprise and concern.
"I shouldn't be here." She was telling herself as well as him.
"Natasha?"