Helplessly Aware

By Charlie burton

Chapter 17

SHE never wanted Christmas to end, Grace was flying higher than the heaven’s and returning to college to the bombardment from Alyx and reality didn’t seem so inviting.

“I don’t want to go back to college,” she whispered in the dark.

“Why not?” JC replied in an equally low hush. The rest of the house was deep in sleep but JC hadn’t been able to slip into slumber and Grace was barely dozing so they’d snuck downstairs to chat in front of the dying embers of the fire.

“Because I miss you guys too much when I’m there. I found a passion in my art when I’m on the road with you lot and I lack it when I’m back in California.”

JC sighed; he didn’t have a reply to convince her life was better there because if she didn’t enjoy it as much, she didn’t. There was no changing that. “I’m glad you like being around us all so much, kinda unexpected when we act like such goofballs the whole time.”

“That’s part of the ‘love’ bit,” she smiled. Grace was feeling like she was recapturing a missing part of her childhood as she sat Indian-style facing JC, barely inches from him and their voices in whispers.

“This is like when you sneak downstairs on Christmas morning to see if Santa brought you any presents,” JC murmured joyfully, remembering holly laden Christmas’ in Maryland.

Grace laughed quietly at his glowing face, half shadowed and half burning orange as the coals smouldered beside them.

“Jelly Bean?” JC offered her the wooden bowl that spilled over with brightly colored candy.

“Teeth, JC. Think of your poor teeth.”

His hand paused, as he was about to drop the Jelly Bean into his mouth. With a sigh he returned it to the bowl and neatly folded his arms across his stomach like a kindergarten kid.

Grace knew he was taking the mick out of her and she pushed him playfully. “Don’t be so mean,” she hissed, tucking back a rogue lock of her hair.

“You’re so cute when you’re acting like mom.”

“Is that your idea of a compliment?”

JC laughed, “I suppose so. I think it’s endearing, and you have many appealing qualities.”

“Are you flirting with me? Or trying Joey’s approach of flattery?”

“Hmm,” JC pondered in an exaggerated manner. “I think I may be flirting with you.”

The honesty in his voice disarmed her and she didn’t have any cunning reply so she simply gazed shyly up at him from beneath her long lashes and fiddled with her fingers.

JC took her hand, “Come here.” He pulled her towards him and set her lying on her back, her head in his lap.

“Do I ask what you’re doing?”

“I’m relaxing you.” With his index and forefingers on her temples he made gentle circular motions and began to sing quietly. “Your letter came yesterday, you’re flying home for Christmas, could you stop to see me smile?”

Grace let her body slip, feeling only the rhythm of his fingers on her skin and concentrating on nothing but the sound of his voice. If heaven were to exist at this moment she was there.

“And I tremble to see you again.” JC was addicted to the rise and fall of her body and the way her eyelashes fluttered ever so often. “I see you holding me, please don’t let me be, tonight just may be out last.” He knew it wouldn’t be, not in the long term stretch of things but it could be the only time she shared time with him like this, after such a breathtaking Christmas – the breathtaking part was spent with her. “Hold me tightly, like never before,” he grew quieter as the sentence drew the song to a close.

She smiled instead of using words, his voice was always soothing to her, whether he was singing or merely joking around with the other guys. Grace took one hand in hers and placed her lips to it, kissing him gently as her eyes slipped open.

“We should really go back upstairs,” she suggested.

Justin was breathing deeply in a way that could almost be considered snoring when the tiptoed back into Lance’s room, but it was adorable and Grace loved him for it. They slid into their sleeping bags and snuggled down, JC arching his back as he stretched out and clasped his hands under his head.

“You comfortable?” he asked.

“Yup. I have Scooby Doo to keep me company.”

JC smiled at the thought of her hugging her soft furry toy close to her, he imagined she did it when she was younger and it was something she’d grown up with. “I don’t have any special cuddly toy, we end up with huge collections of them after shows but none have sentimental value.”

That settled what she should get him for his next gift, his own personal huggable bear of some kind.

“What are you thinking about?”

“Not rain and not sex,” she replied. “Um…sleep?”

“Oh-sorry, I keep blabbing on-”

“And it’s totally not like you. Usually you crave your siesta and here you are chattering away to me at two in the middle of the morning.”

That’s the whole thing don’t you see? I’m chatting to you, that’s why I’m still awake. You fill me with a drug that buzzes through my entirety and I only want to sleep if you promise you’ll visit me in my dreams. What had come over him? “Guess I’m just high on the festivities and having the people I love around me.” High on festivities? What an excuse, Chasez!

Grace rubbed Scooby Doo’s ear between her fingers as she stared wide-eyed into the darkness. The only source of light was the dim radiance that riddled its way beneath the door. I think I may be flirting with you; his words still rang zealously in her head like they’d been taped in a loop around her brain. Why do they matter to you? Another voice in her head bit back, Oh grow up! You know you’re helplessly falling for him. Forget the lies.

Both of them were engulfed by the silence of the night and apart from Lance shifting around on his bed, breathing was the only sound.

I lie awake…I’m screaming at night as if I thought you’d hear me.

Yeah, my heart is calling you, and nobody knows it but me…?

* * *

Their New Years Eve gig was in Detroit and the plane journey had been less than comfortable. The weather was bad and snow gusted around like a shower of soap flakes that had been tossed into the air, saturating it. Thankfully New Years Day was spent in peaceful slumber from everyone, after the party that had far surpassed three in the morning. People began stirring at about ten thirty onwards and nonchalantly moved at their own speed to awake, dress and eat breakfast.

“What’s this about you in a nude photo shoot?” Grace grinned, glancing over the magazine she was reading and waiting for JC’s expression.

His face shot up, his mouth full of cereal as he tried to swallow them to retaliate.

“JC *NSync, if you were offered $1 million to pose nude for a magazine with Jennifer Lopez-” she continued reading.

“What the hell?” JC exclaimed, reaching out to steal the glossy paper from her but she simply stood up out of range. “Give it here.” JC sauntered towards her, his blue eyes glittering like a panther watching its prey – he didn’t release her from his watchful stare for a moment.

“It’s quoting you, must be true then. I wanna know if you’d pose nude.” Grace knew she was cranking the key to wind him up, but as of late they’d been pulling each other’s strings in a playful and flirtatious way.

“Grace.” The warning was simply, polished off with a devious smile that spread through his sumptuous lips in a way that mesmerized her. The sleek feline pounced and grasped the magazine, but his prey wouldn’t surrender.

“JC!” she cried, looking at him in disbelief as his fingers wormed up under her top to tickle her. He knew he should probably stop, but it was right and he knew Grace, she would have protested if she hadn’t been happy with it.

“The magazine, and I’ll stop,” he bartered. JC pulled the magazine free from her fingers and pinned her against the wall with his body. “I would never go nude for a photo shoot,” he read. “It’s not that I’m embarrassed about my body-”

“I know,” she purred, seeing JC try to hide the smile as he continued to read.

“-I just believe that some things should remain private. Does that put your mind at ease?”

Grace shrugged innocently.

“How ‘bout you then? Would you go nude for a photo shoot?”

“I’m not famous enough to be asked to pose nude.”

“Just imagine. Pretend you’re the next pop princess to share Britney’s title…um…and Ben Affleck requests you to pose nude with him. Yes, or no?”

“You know me to well, Ben Affleck, now that’s a hard one.

No, I wouldn’t pose nude-”

“Not even with Ben Affleck?!” JC said in imitation exclamation.

“Not even with Ben Affleck. But what I was trying to say, was that I’d never pose nude for a photo shoot.”

“Ah-ha, so we’re talking all sort of hidden kinks?” He wiggled his eyebrows giving her a ‘know what I mean?’ look.

She laughed. “With the right man, anything’s possible.”

JC tilted his head and watched her. “And do you know this, ‘right’ man yet?”

“I-”

“Oh, so that’s how it is? Can’t wait to move onto the next girl, can you?”

JC wheeled round and at the icy words Grace felt herself draw into the wall. “Tara?!”