Second JELLO Brothers Olympics (aka the SECOND BI-ANNUAL FAR-LESS-ORGANIZED, MORE-IMPROVISED, FAR-MORE-POSTPONED SPRING OLYMPICS)

Date: Sunday, March 28th, 1999
Time: 12 Noon
Where: Gould Manor Park

Events:

Without Soda Wench, we couldn’t perform the Ceremonial Beating, so we substituted the brand-new Ceremonial Decapitation of the Stuffed Animals…

One-Eyed, Two-Armed Flying Vertical People Leaping: One must successfully leap the person before them to advance. After that, a taller person is substituted. After that, if necessary, distance after takeoff will be measured.
Arms: Two competitors thrash their forearms at each other until one submits.
Midget Tossing: The whole reason we’re meeting.
Wrestling (Formerly Known as the Half-time blast-off-bonanza extravaganza expo-fest-a-rama, until improvisation was required, and it became the bulk of the events): Standard wrestling rules.

Results:

One-Eyed, Two-Armed Flying Vertical People Leaping:
Round 1: (Not) the Atomic Playboy passes, Sparky passes, SkinTight fails
Round 2: (Not) the Atomic Playboy passes, Sparky passes, SkinTight attempts but fails
Round 3: Sparky achieves greater distance and defeats (Not) the Atomic Playboy in overtime

Arms:
Round 1: SkinTight defeats Aggroman and advances to next round
Round 1: Huggie Bear defeats Spank and advances to next round
Round 1: Skucci defeats (Not) the Atomic Playboy and advances to next round
Round 2: A THREE-WAY FREE-FOR-ALL: Huggie Bear defeats SkinTight, Skucci defeats SkinTight, Huggie Bear defeats Skucci and reigns victorious

Midget Tossing:
Huggie Bear & Big Buddha fail to break their own record from Last Olympics, but reign victorious

Wrestling:
Aggroman (under the guise of The Human Vice Grip) defeats Kama Sutra (the Baboon with Two-Club Feet) due to Don King’s involvement
Starsky & Hutch (also known as The 187 Kid or Dr. Love, and wrestling under the guise of both) defeats Aggroman with his patented 187-Tamer
Midget Thunder (also known as the Stringbean of Steel, or just plain Midget) defeats Starsky & Hutch with his patented shove-his-stinky-smelly-foot-down-the-other-guys-throat manuever

Ring Announcements for Each Wrestler:

Starsky & Hutch: Ladies and Gentlemen, now entering the ring, weighing in at 200 hundred pounds, Steve “Dr. Love” Dodge, M.D., Doctor of Love-O-Cology, the 187 Kid, the human tombstone machine, master of the Claymidia Leglock and the Oral Herpes Chokehold…wait, Steve Dodge has just informed me that he also wishes to be referred to as the rebirth of Christ almighty…AMEN!!

Aggroman: Ladies and Gentlemen, now entering the ring, weighing in on the electronic scale from his Mom and Dad’s bathroom, the man of a thousand holds…and about 11 jokes, the human highlight reel, master of the C-Clamp, the Ice Cream Headache, the Puking Buddha, the Texas Cloverleaf, and the 23-Skadoo, the Human Vice Grip, Aggroman.

Midget Thunder: Ladies and Gentlemen, now entering the ring, weighing in on the fruit scale in the produce section of Super Stop & Shop, the human blunt object himself, the stringbean of steel, everyone’s favorite footstool, and the master of the double inverted nad twist, Midget Thunder.

Kama Sutra: Ladies and Gentlemen, now entering the ring, weighing in on the metric, or Communist, system, I think…let’s see…carry the 1…minus 6…denominator…11 hectograms in longitude, the master of 17 forms of unarmed, unlegged, unshaved combat, the Baboon with Two Club Feet, Kama Sutra.

Winners, and other participants, and spectators, and anyone else nearby, received Kool-Aid, and special recognition was given to Aggroman, for his hard work and devotion to the JELLO Brothers. He received the title of Grand Champion Knight of the JELLO Brothers, pending his success in the Three Trials of Knighthood, which he later passed with flying colors.