The end. The end of the JELLO Brothers as they were known in the world. 200 years of JELLO Brothers' influence was wiped out in a single day. What was the catalyst for this horrific event? Were all of the JELLO Brothers, numbering at this point in the jillions of members, killed? Or was it something more sinister? More insidious? Were they somehow converted? Did something cause them to lose the faith, or lose the feeling of creativity and expression that comes with being a JELLO Brother? However it happened, we know that the entity of the JELLO Brothers was no more...
The greatest big, small, secret, not-so-secret, secret brotherhood in the known history of the then-unknown United States was the result of these five visionaries. Who were they? What brought them together? And how would they envision the history of the JELLO Brothers to have gone? Would they have foreseen the Great Cataclysm? Would they be pleased with us in our form today?
What we do know: we know that they came together in September of 1498, for it was exactly 500 hundred years later that the JELLO Brothers would be resurrected by their descendants. Most family trees don't reach back that far, though investigations are being carried out.
Some people hope to find out by researching the history of the JELLO Councils. Through careful research, our PB&J staff has discovered a former council member, Monty Smith. Perhaps, in the coming years, more past council members will be revealed, in our search for our origins...
Much of our lost history can be found within its tattered paper. The inspiration for our miraculous resurrection was this document's influence on our five founding fathers. But who penned it? Many mysteries surround this ancient document.
Obviously, it was someone with some foresight into the coming Cataclysm. Or an amazingly-fast writer. Anyways, the scroll must date back to just before the Cataclysm...or must it? Is it possible that someone, a JELLO Brother, survived the Cataclysm long enough to pen the demise of the JELLO Brothers?
But not only that. This person or persons must have had the foresight to hide this scroll in the same tree Buttwad the great planted, the tree that would later become the sacred JELLO Brothers table. So many mysteries, so many head wounds, a simple table, a great scroll...
A strange, awe-inspiring name, this group seems to be an Illuminati of sorts. They seek merely to torture us, to create obstacles, and perhaps, to destroy us utterly. It is believed that they masterminded the Battle of Buttress, as well as conspiring against the celebration of holidays, even going so far as to affect the weather to postpone the Second JELLO Brothers Olympics. Perhaps, they were even involved in the Great Cataclysm itself...whether myth or reality, the Srethorb OLLEJ are a force to feared, yet understood, and CRUSHED beneath a collective JELLO Boot.
Quite possibly the single most-hotly debated topic since the resurrection of the JELLO Brothers, the terrestriality of founding father Aggroman has been called into question. So much so, in fact, that a poll was held, wherein JELLO Brothers could vote upon whether they believed Aggroman to be human, alien, or a hybrid of the two. Results of this poll were inconclusive.
Evidence has been scant, but some conversations reveal that Aggroman may be of extraterrestrial origins. When asked, Aggroman simply replied, "Look, just because when I meet someone, I ram my ovipositor down their throat and lay my eggs in their chest, that doesn't necessarily mean I'm an alien." Just look at these conversations, pulled from Aggroman's own archives:
Aggroman: A hybrid, eh?
1: Yeah.
Aggroman: What makes you draw that conclusion?
1: You are too human to be alien. Most aliens aren't that good at impersonating people. And you are too strange to be human.
Aggroman: Okay, just wanted to hear your train of thought.
Aggroman: What are you leaning towards?
2: As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I'm going for hybrid.
Aggroman: :)
2: You're just too cool to be completely human.
2: Boy, that was sappy.
Aggroman: hehehe
2: I mean, c'mon! Look at Ford Prefect! A perfectly average human name?
Aggroman: Glenn Dallas?
2: Well, more human than Ford Prefect, but still not quite right.
This conversation is the most intriguing...
3: And that you're an alien.
Aggroman: Okay then. You're entitled to your own opinion.
3: Mostly because my throat has swollen with the size of the eggs you deposited in it.
Aggroman: No, not possible. Never met you in person. That would have to have been someone else.
3: Uh oh.
Aggroman: Who else could it have been?
3: Some stranger rammed his ovipositor down my throat?
3: I feel so dirty.
Aggroman: Trust me, you would have noticed.
3: I did notice. Someone impersonated you.
Aggroman: what did they look like?
3: Well, they were nine feet tall, very green and had fourteen compound eyes.
Aggroman: [name removed, though I assure you the reference was quite funny.] Where was this?
3: I think I was in the third level of hell at the time.
Aggroman: Yup. Texas. That's him!
3: Exactly.
3: I feel so violated.
Aggroman: No, don't. He's a good egg. I mean, his ARE good eggs.
3: Really? Are the ones in my throat?
Aggroman: Yes yes.
3: So tell me, how long is the incubation period for these things?
Aggroman: About 6 hours for his.
3: Uh oh. That's not good. It's been about six hours already. Aggroman, why did my throat just explode?
Aggroman: It's okay. It'll heal.
3: Um, I think some one wants to talk to you.
Aggroman: Okay.
Small blue alien: WE CONTROL THIS VESSEL NOW!!! WE SHALL DESTROY THIS PITIFUL PLANET!!!
Aggroman: Lil' Joe, this is uncle Aggroman. *slap* Calm down. Did you get breakfast yet?
Small blue alien: Um...no.
Aggroman: then go get a frozen waffle and calm down.
Small blue alien: Okay. Thanks Unkie Aggroman. I needed that. I get that way, you know?
Aggroman: Yeah. Your dad's a little off, and he gets that way too. Hey, are the others fixing 3's throat cavity yet?
Small blue alien: Oh yes. They're on their way. Here's 3 again. Tell him I'm sorry about the throat-exploding thing. It's just what I do.
Small blue alien: Bye bye Unkie Aggroman.
Aggroman: Byebye kid. Take care.
Small blue alien: See you at the next reunion.
Aggroman: You too.
3: Um...Glenn? Why did the creature just slink off and get a frozen waffle?
Aggroman: He's hungry. Don't worry. They'll wander off in a little while, and find their dad.
3: And what the hell are these little blue guys with screwdrivers doing in my throat?
Aggroman: They're fixing your throat.
3: Ah. Makes sense. With acetylene torches?
Aggroman: Yeah. They're thorough.
3: Yeah, I can see that. They're cloning my tissue as we speak. They brought their own genetic sequencer.
Aggroman: Rule number one: don't kill them.
3: Gotcha. I'll put away the fly swatter.
Aggroman: Excellent.
3: Ah, much better. They're all done. I was wondering how long I could keep holding my breath for.
Aggroman: Yup, they're efficient. Did they start heading out yet?
3: Yeah, they're on their way. How much do you tip for something like that?
Aggroman: No need
3: Really? Not bad.
aggroman: After all, they did explode from your throat cavity. That's payment enough
3: True. Too bad there's a satellite dish sticking out of my neck. Oh well, I'll get used to it.
Aggroman: They tend to make improvements
3: Hey! I get cable now!
Aggroman: Coolness. Told you. All in all, not a bad deal
3: Hey, those little guys are alright! They can explode out of my throat any time.
Very compelling, to say the least. But unfortunately, unless new evidence comes to light, the terrestriality of Aggroman shall forever remain a JELLO Unsolved Mystery...and fodder for jokes for (Not) the Atomic Playboy.
