Sometimes before I go to sleep, that state between consiousness and sleep; I sometimes envision what things would be like if they aren't like today. Sometime's they're good, but sometimes they're bad. Sometime's I'm so scared to find that place between consiousness and sleep just because I'm freightened to see tonight's story. Sometimes I stay up all night, at the annoying level waiting to fall into the between state, because I'm scared of the horror... or am I scared of the smooth reverie? Am I so scared because I don't want to see where I would be, or am I scared that I'll give into the revierie. SOmetimes it scares me so much that I try to force myself to sleep and not think about it anymore.. but concentraiting on getting rid of the thought only makes the thought stronger and it angers me more. And then when I finally get to sleep; I dream about it. I dream where I left off. It's so scary sometimes I just don't want to sleep. Sometimes I stay up so late at night just to avoid those thoughts. I wonder if I hate them, or if I'd love to hate them? Sometimes I just don't know... <p>

Sometimes there's a place I want to take you to. I want to take you to this place I envision in that state of mind. I want to show you how perfect it could be, would have been, will be. I wish that maybe if you were in my arms the second I start to doze off then you, too, will be in this utopia with me. You, too, will share this warmth of knowing the best. I wish so much and so hard that you can see how perfect this is. How much I really do love you (even when you doubt it). I wish I could show you where I get my good moods; and how high on love it makes me when I find these places. When it's a good vision, I want to stay in it forever. I want to go to sleep; only with you in my arms... so when the dream ceases I can wake and feel the real thing without having to dream it. <p>

But when I wake up with empty arms, is when it hurts.<p>

That's when I want to go back to sleep.<p>

Unless it was bad. Unless I found myself without you. When I dreamed, and didn't see you. It hurts more when I wake up and you're not there; when I wake up from a bad thought. When I dream of you leaving, or you hating... or such other things. I wish to wake and see you there, to remind me that it was only a bad dream and you still love me. When you're not there to kiss me, I get scared. <p>

But most the times, I just don't know what to do. <p>


It hurts.<p>

Sometimes...