A/N: I got this
idea after watching the re-airing of The Accomplice.
A/N2: The events
after the beginning of The Accomplice become AU and the story line
totally deviates from there. However, there may be events from the
episodes that find themselves in the story.
One Chance
By Jinx
We have one chance.
One chance to get everything
right.
We have one chance, one chance.
And if we’re lucky we might.
--One
Chance, Modest Mouse
Seth
‘Least I still got my friends.’
At the
doorway of the cafe, Seth looked back and watched his ‘friends’ go back to
their discussion. They hadn’t even
waited until he was out the door before forgetting about him.
Seth
silently snorted and shook his head as he turned around and left the
restaurant.
Typical.
He’d told
them he was going to go to Alex’s… try to talk to her, see what was going on
with them now that the ex was in town, but he had no intention of going over
there. He knew when he was beat. He’d had enough experience to know when a
girl was dumping him.
And that
was certainly something he would never think he would have the opportunity to
say, like, ever! Experience? With girls?
With girls dumping him? Hell, with
girls in the first place…? That would
require having a girlfriend to begin with, and before last year, Seth wouldn’t
have thought that was possible for him.
But, not only was the ‘dumping’ experience courtesy of not one girl:
Anna. Not two girls: Anna and Summer. But three girls: Anna, Summer and now there was Alex. Three girls in eighteen months.
Who’d a
thought that Seth Cohen could go from loser to chick magnet to loser in a year
and a half. That has got to be a record, Seth thought to himself.
Seth’s
upper lip quirked up a bit of the memory of the whole Anna/Summer ‘thing’. He wasn’t lying when he told the girls after
the Thanksgiving debacle (was that just last year?), that nothing in his life
had prepared him for that day. Going
from no girls to two girls in the span of a few months… he certainly never saw that coming!
Seth continued
shuffling down the boardwalk lost in contemplative thought. Or self-pity… it was all the same to Seth.
Just as
he could not have imagined going from loser to actually having friends last
year; nothing had prepared him for The Great Return Of Loserdom that he found
himself in again a mere year later.
He veered
off the path and made his way down to the water. He was already late for class, there really
wasn’t a reason to bother going to the rest of them. Besides, he hadn’t had a good brood for… hmm,
would that be eighteen months? Yes. Yes, it would.
He sat down
on the sand just at the edge where the sand was still soft and hadn’t been
hardened by the tide and looked out over the ocean. If he still had the Summer Breeze, he could
take her out for the day. However, on
second thought, if he still had the Summer Breeze, Seth couldn’t be so sure
that he wouldn’t sail away like he did last summer. Maybe not
having the Summer Breeze was a good thing after all.
* * * * *
Seth sat
on the beach well into the day. In fact,
by the time the sun started to get into his eyes, Seth realized that he should
probably head home. Looking at his
watch, he was shocked to find that it was almost
But Seth
has had a lot of practice at that. He
never really thought of it as ‘feeling sorry for himself’, though. It’s just something that one does when one
has no other friends to hang out with.
“Me Time” is what Seth once told Ryan it was. Standing up and brushing sand off his pants,
Seth figured that he would be clocking in quite a bit of ‘me-time’ in the
immediate future.
He trudged
up the beach to the path and slowly made his way home.
As he
walked, his mind, as it was wont to do, refused to shut up, and he continued
the brood on the way home:
It wasn’t as if he were completely
friendless, his
brain reminded. He still had Ryan (who
had Lindsay). He still had Summer (who
had Zach). He had Zach (who had his
ex-girlfriend). Hmm, on second thought,
when your friends have friends of their own, who needs Seth Cohen?
Story of
his life.
* * * * *
He got
home around
He shook
his head and rolled his eyes as he made his way into the kitchen. I could
have come home at
Barring
himself in his room and locking the door behind him, Seth stretched out on his
bed and pulled out his sketch book. He
snagged his iPod from the side table and lost himself in the only thing that
could take his mind off his currently sucky life.
* * * * *
Several
hours later, Seth was still on his bed, having gone through only a few pages of
his sketchpad but several musical mixes, a pounding on the door, coinciding
with a break between songs, roused Seth from his work.
Turning
down the music and laying the pad in his lap, Seth answered, “Yeah?”
“Seth?” It was Ryan.
Great.
“Yeah?" Seth repeated coolly, not really in the mood for
one of Ryan’s rarely-heard-but usually-appreciated-though-not-tonight-let’s-cheer-up-Seth
pep-talks.
“Can I
come in?”
Fuck! Seth hated it when Ryan used that tone of
voice. It was the vulnerable-Ryan tone. He knew that Ryan knew that that tone of voice always worked on
Seth.
Fuck!
Didn’t
Ryan know that he was at the crux of this whole Seth-brooding thing? No, no he didn’t because the last time Seth
saw Ryan he was having fun in the restaurant with his girlfriend and Seth’s ex and her current boyfriend. So, no.
Ryan had no clue what was going on in Seth’s head and Seth would have
rather kept it that way.
Maybe if
he was lucky, Ryan would just go away.
“Seth?”
Okay, no
such luck.
“Shit,”
Seth sighed quietly and tossed the sketch pad on his bed and got up. Holding his iPod in one hand, Seth unlocked
the door and turned around, moving back to his bed, not even bothering to open
the door. If Ryan wanted to come in so
bad, let him open the damned door.
Seth’s
brood was kind of pissy tonight.
But could
you blame him?
Just as
Seth returned to his Brooding Position, Ryan came in, standing a few feet from
the bed.
“You
okay?”
Putting
the left ear bud back in his ear, Seth reached for his sketch pad. “Yeah, sure.”
He
watched from the corner of his eye as Ryan frowned, but said nothing more.
“Okay.” Ryan answered a moment later.
The
silence continued as Seth tried to look like he was concentrating on his
drawing.
“You
weren’t in school today. How’d it go
with…?”
“Didn’t
go.”
Ryan
buried his hands in his pants pockets.
“Why not?”
“I may be
slow, but I’m not dumb. I think I get
the hint.” In more ways than one, Cohen, he thought to himself.
Seth
glanced up at Ryan and noticed for the first time that Ryan was not dressed for a night in with Seth
and the planning of his possible comic book.
Not that Seth was, um, looking forward to that tonight or anything.
With full
attention on Ryan, Seth raised an eyebrow.
“Newpsie party tonight I don’t know about?”
“Um, no. Lindsay asked me to be the buffer tonight
between her and Caleb.”
“Well, I
thought we were working tonight. And…
grandpa hates you.” He really tried not
to whine, but the reminder of Lindsay kinda put him off. Okay, more
‘off’ than normal.
“I told
her that and she thought I was over-reacting.”
“Well,
hey man, at least you show up on his radar.
He once asked my mom if I was mildly retarded.”
“Well,
wait ‘til he finds out about your powers.”
Ryan joked, pointing to the sketchpad in Seth’s lap.
“What
powers?” Seth mocked, still concentrating on his book. Lifting it up and showing Ryan the drawing of
himself, he continued self-deprecatingly, “Turns out I don’t make a very
convincing superhero.”
There was
silence in the room as Seth continued to draw as Ryan stood by the wall.
Just as
Ryan stepped closer to the bed, Seth muttered.
“You do have powers.”
“Yeah,”
Ryan answered with a crooked smile. When
no answering Seth Quip was returned, Ryan took another step towards the bed,
peering down on the sheets of paper spread out on the blanket. “Hey.
Can I see these?” Ryan asked, sitting on the edge of the mattress and picking
up one of the drawings.
“Yeah,
sure,” Seth answered, pointing to the various pictures of Super Summer.
After
glancing through a few drawings, Ryan hesitantly asked, “Uhhh, what are these?”
“Uhh,
just sketches I did in
“Has Zach
seen these?” Ryan asked cautiously.
“No, I
was gonna show him tonight.”
“No. No you are not. You are not gonna show these to Zach.”
“Dude,
they’re just drawings.”
“Of a
girl you were clearly obsessed with.”
Seth snorted to himself at Ryan’s statement and thought, if you only knew, man.
Instead,
he said, “First of all, obsessed is a pretty strong word.” At Ryan’s incredulous stare, Seth
amended. “Maybe you’re right and
therefore, I won’t show him.
“They’re
really good though.”
“Thanks,”
Seth muttered, acting like he was engrossed in his work.
The other
sketchpad was lying open on Seth’s bed, caricatures of Summer in various superhero
outfits on the open pages. Ryan reached
out for the pad and blinked rapidly as the book was practically ripped from his
fingers.
Ryan
turned shocked eyes on Seth, who folded the book close and tucked it under a
bent knee.
“Uh…”
Seth began.
“Sorry,”
Ryan said at the same time. He stood up
and took a step back, schooling his features.
But he was unable to hide the hurt from his eyes. “I just wanted to…”
“No. You really don’t want to see more of the same,”
Seth gestured to his bed and the other pages of Super Summer that Ryan had just
dissed.
Seth’s
cheeks flushed red. He just didn’t want
Ryan to see the rest of the book… most of which was Super RYAN and had nothing
at all to do with Super Summer. Seth
tried to smile as he glanced shyly up at Ryan.
“You know… Like I said… I was pretty bored up in
Ryan
smiled, the hurt look in his eyes fading quickly. “I get it.”
Seth
smiled back. Though the smile fading as
Ryan said, “Well, I gotta go. Dinner
with Lindsay and… your grandfather.”
Ryan gave a theatrical shudder before lifting a hand in a wave goodbye.
“Enjoy
dinner with the dictator,” Seth began, but Ryan was out the door before the
word ‘dinner’ was out of Seth’s mouth.
Seth
closed his eyes and leaned back against the headboard, dropping his head to his
chest…
Outta
sight, outta mind. Such is the life of
Seth Cohen.
He laid
the sketchpad he’d been working in by his side and tilted his head back against
the wall, blindly facing the ceiling, as his put his other ear bud in his right
ear. Opening his eyes long enough to
find the My Life Sucks Mix 4, Seth closed his eyes again and turned the volume
up to its highest level, letting the pounding drums and slamming guitar riffs
pummel his eardrums, praying that it would tune out his loneliness if only for
a little bit.
He didn’t
even notice the tears seeping from the corners of his eyes and sliding down into
his hair.
* * * * *
If his
parents thought something was wrong, they didn’t say anything. But, then again, they never really said
anything Pre-Ryan/Pre-Friends Days either, so Seth wasn’t really expecting
anything out of them anyway. Besides,
lately it seemed like his parents had some ‘adult’ issues to work out… they
didn’t really have time for Seth and his “teenage angst.”
The next
morning was another typical Newport Beach/Cohen Household morning: Kirsten flying out of the house like the
hounds of hell were hot on her tail. To
which
When Ryan
entered, Seth looked up.
“Dude, so
how was dinner last night with The Hound?”
“Huh?”
Ryan asked quizzically as he snagged a bottle of juice from the fridge.
“Dinner? Last night?
With the Caleb?”
Ryan
stopped long enough to frown at Seth before actually hearing what Seth asked
and shrugged his shoulders, shaking his head.
Seth
smiled. “That well, huh?”
Ryan
returned the smile before walking out of the kitchen, Seth on his heels. As he walked through the foyer, he said,
“I’ll tell you all about it tonight. I
have to go… Lindsay’s waiting.” He
pointed to Lindsay’s beat up car in their driveway as he opened the door. “See ya at school.” The last was said as he was practically out
of the door and the door was slammed almost in Seth’s face.
Seth
stood in front of the closed door in complete shock. He was practically rooted to the spot, he was
so dumbfounded. He listened to the
silence of the house around him and still couldn’t believe what had just
happened.
His mom
left. His dad left. Ryan left.
All left. Not one of them
bothering to see if, oh, maybe he might have needed a ride to school? All too busy to start their day.
Seth
blinked in astonishment before turning around and going back to the
kitchen. He sagged numbly down into his
chair at the counter; forgotten comic lying open, only half way read and soggy
cereal close by.
Well,
there really was no point in going to school today. Not after that! Besides, there was no
one around to take him there in the first place. And he wasn’t up to the forty minutes or so
‘boarding would take, so…
So, it
was another missed day of classes. His
parents were gonna kill him. Though he
frowned at the though of his parents.
He’d
missed the entire day of classes yesterday and his parents hadn’t said one
word. That was shocking in and of its
self. If anything, his mom would have
been all over him. But nothing.
So, he
figured: Fuck It! Missing school
today wasn’t his fault, not this time at least, so he might as well make the
most of it and take advantage of having the house to his self.
Taking
his forgotten bowl of cereal to the sink to dump it out, he got another bowl
and went to the living room. Settling
himself on the floor, he flicked on the television.
The old
Seth Cohen had returned.
His life
may have sucked. He may have been the
biggest loser this side of the West Coast, but he was going to take advantage
of his new-found old-self and kick back and enjoy the day with a few video
games or four. At least for today, Seth
Cohen was going to enjoy is solitude, enjoy his independence, enjoy is
loser-hood. There would be plenty of
time at the end of the day to be reminded that he was still Seth Cohen: Newport Misfit/Social Outcast.
At least
he had an eighteen month run of something good.
It was more than he ever could have expected… more than he could ever
had hoped for.
They were
going to be good memories.
* * * * *
Ryan
He and Lindsay
just took their seats for first period when the bell rang.
Lindsay
leaned over to Ryan and whispered, “Where’s Seth?”
“Hmm?”
Ryan frowned and looked around the room.
Not seeing his friend anywhere in sight, he shrugged. “I don’t know. I saw him this morning…” He looked around the room again as though
Seth would miraculously appear.
“Was
Sandy or Kirsten bringing him in?”
Ryan
shrugged again. His growing feeling of
concern soon gave way to guilt as he remembered that morning a bit more
clearly. “I really wasn’t paying too
much attention this morning. I was
running late and…” Ryan trailed off as
he remembered rushing into the kitchen, grabbing something from the fridge and
racing out the door. He saw
When he
heard the teacher call Seth’s name, Ryan unconsciously lifted his head. “Um, Seth’s home sick today.” He could feel Lindsay staring at him for his
lie, but he was now too worried about Seth to care. A hand brushed his thigh and he looked in the
concerned eyes of his girlfriend.
“I’m sure
he’s all right. Why don’t you call him
after class?”
Ryan
nodded and returned his attention to the teacher. That was exactly what he was planning to do.
* * * * *
By lunch
time, Ryan was ready to skip the rest of the day’s classes and go home. In the few minutes allotted between periods,
Ryan called home only to get the answering machine each and every time. He considered calling Sandy or Kirsten… several
times, but he didn’t want to worry them if they weren’t aware their son was
skipping school and he didn’t want to bother them if they knew that Seth had stayed
home. Though the latter was highly
unlikely.
He was
feeling more and more guilty as the day wore on. He couldn’t believe that he had just taken
off without making sure Seth was taken care of first. Even when he was with Marissa, he was never
distracted enough to forget about Seth.
That either said a lot about Lindsay or a lot about Ryan. And while what it said about Lindsay was
flattering to her, she was Ryan’s girlfriend after all and a beautiful
distraction, he wasn’t sure that he liked what it said about him.
One of
the things that initially drew Ryan to Lindsay was the fact she wasn’t like
anyone else in
Lindsay
and Seth were quite a bit a like in that respect. They both had no love loss for
It was
like he traded one unconventional Newpsies for another. And in doing so, completely forgot about the
one person who had been there since the beginning. The first person, outside of Sandy, who
didn’t care he was from Chino…who didn’t care about his past… who only cared
that he was here now and could, and would, be his friend. And Ryan had let him down.
Big time.
Well, not
‘let him down’ as in they were no longer friends. Seth is
his friend whether Seth likes it or not.
But, Ryan can see now, that he hasn’t been that great a friend
recently. But, that seemed to be the
pattern with him since he’s arrived in
Without a
girlfriend, Seth was pretty much a third wheel, hanging out with the other
couples. Ryan knew Seth wouldn’t want
that. He’d spent most of his
And
suddenly Ryan had a very unwelcome view of what it might be for Seth these past
few days. That would certainly explain
Ryan’s cool reception last night when he went to Seth’s room to check on him.
Sometimes
the hardest thing to do is to learn to go back to the way things were before. Especially if the way things were wasn’t that
great to begin with.
He should
know.
A sting
on his chin snapped him out of his thoughts and he looked up to three sets of
eyes all staring at him in various stages of concern and amusement.
He had
been sitting at a table with Lindsay, Summer and Zach for the past twenty
minutes thinking about Seth during their lunch break.
Another
balled up straw wrapper bounced off his left cheek this time, and he blinked
across the table at Summer.
“You in
there,
“Yeah,”
Ryan answered slowly. “Just worried
about Seth.”
“Is he
okay,” Zach asked with genuine concern.
“I haven’t seen him since yesterday morning.”
Ryan
shook his head. “I’m not sure.”
Summer
frowned and rolled her eyes sarcastically.
“How can you not be sure? You
live with the guy.”
Ryan
glared at Summer as Zach and Lindsay threw a few eye-daggers her way, too.
“What?”
Summer defended, poking Zach in the ribs with her elbow. “Well, he does.”
Ryan grew
quiet again, thinking over that morning and feeling just that much guiltier.
“I really
didn’t talk to him too much this morning.”
Summer
looked over at Lindsay, who was looking at Ryan with concern, and smiled
knowingly.
Ryan saw
the look and blushed, not so much because Summer was teasing him about Lindsay,
but because he was embarrassed about leaving Seth behind.
“What
about last night?” Zach asked.
“I saw
him for a few minutes. He was in his
room drawing.”
“Yeah,”
Zach answered in awe. “Seth is really
talented. I tell ya, he should seriously
think about doing his own comic.”
Summer
nudged Zach in the ribs again.
“What?”
Zach complained, glaring at his girlfriend.
“He should. He’s really good.”
“Don’t
encourage him,” Summer bitched, reaching out for her water.
And as
Summer and Zach started arguing about Seth for the one millionth time, Lindsay
leaned over and grasped Ryan’s hand.
“You want
a ride home?”
Ryan
looked up at Lindsay gratefully. “Right
now?” He couldn’t believe that she would
be willing to cut class to take him home to check on Seth.
“Sure,
why not? We both have study hall…”
Ryan had
forgotten about that. “Great! Let’s go.”
As they
both stood up, Summer and Zach stopped bickering.
“Where are
you two off to?” Summer asked.
Ryan
opened his mouth to answer, but it was Lindsay who spoke. “I’m going to take him home to check on
Seth.”
“Why? Cohen’s a big boy. He can take care of himself,” Summer mocked.
Ryan
rolled his eyes and walked away from the table, Lindsay at his side. He heard a “What?” behind him and then Zach
and Summer began bickering again.
Ryan
looked at Lindsay gratefully and smiled.
“Thanks.”
Lindsay
hooked her arm through Ryan’s and smiled.
“Sure.”
* * * * *
They pulled
up to the house and when Ryan opened the door, loud music could be heard
muffled behind the walls.
Ryan
frowned at the house before bending down by the driver’s side window. “Thanks again.”
Lindsay
smiled. “Are you sure you don’t want me
to stay?”
“Yeah,
I’m good.”
“Okay,
I’ll get your homework for Physics.”
“Thanks,
I really appreciate it.” He leaned down
and kissed her cheek. After the debacle
of last night’s dinner, he really wasn’t sure where he stood with Lindsay, so a
kiss on the cheek was all he was comfortable with at the moment.
He
watched her back down the driveway before turning his attention to the
house. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but
blaring music certainly hadn’t been one of them.
* * * * *
When Ryan
walked into the house, he found all the back doors wide open. As he walked further into the kitchen, Ryan
looked out the back and saw Seth sitting on a lounge chair by the pool,
sunglasses perched on his nose and thumbs stamping on the PSP in his hands.
The
living room practically shook with the music blasting from the stereo. Ryan thought he could hear the windows of the
French doors rattle in their frames.
Hearing the music, it was no wonder Seth never answered the phone when
Ryan called this morning. He could
barely hear himself think let alone hear something as trivial as the telephone.
Feeling part
relief at finding Seth home safe and part angry that he had been worried about
Seth for, apparently, no reason at all, Ryan let the angry part of him move him
to the stereo and he snapped the music off.
The silence in the room was more deafening than the music had been.
Ryan
stalked out of the house to be met with an equally angry Seth.
“Why’d
you do that for? I was listening to
that?” Seth made to push passed Ryan
when Ryan’s hand shot out to grasp Seth arm.
“Have you
been home all day?” Ryan questioned,
still gripped Seth’s arm.
Seth
looked from Ryan to the hand on his wrist and back before answering,
“Yeah. So?”
“So? I’ve been calling since after first period
wondering where you were! I was
worried.”
Seth
scowled, as though he found Ryan’s words hard to believe. “Yeah, right.” He tried to shake Ryan loose, but Ryan held
fast.
“Yeah. Right.
I was.” Turning to they were both
face to face, but not letting go of Seth, Ryan asked, “What is with you,
man? You’ve been acting weird these past
few days.”
Seth
shook his arm free. “I’m surprised you
noticed,” Seth muttered as he walked toward the house.
Unfortunately
for Seth, Ryan heard the quiet words and frowned in concern. He followed Seth in the house and watched as
the other boy tossed his sunglasses on the kitchen island and opened the
fridge.
Ryan
leaned against the edge of the counter and folded his arms against his
chest. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Seth kept
his back to Ryan. “Nothing.”
“Seth,
it’s not ‘nothing’.” Ryan moved to the
edge of the island and leaned against it, not wanting to scare Seth away by
coming too close. “C’mon, man. What’s going on?” His voice was soft, pleading. He was more worried about Seth than he was
willing to let on.
Seth
turned around to face Ryan. “Nothing,
Ryan. Just…” Not able to keep eye contact, Seth looked
away and shook his head. “Just…
nothing. Let it go.”
Ryan
stepped closer until they were only a few feet apart. “I can’t, Seth. I’m worried about you,” he whispered. Ryan started to reach out for Seth but
stopped when Seth took a step back.
Seth
looked at Ryan, eyebrows furrowed, confusion etched on his face. After a moments silence, Seth asked, “Why?”
“Huh?”
Ryan had forgotten what he had just said.
Seth had never back away from him before. He was unsure how to handle this Seth.
“Why? Why are you worried? It’s not like anything’s happened to make you
worry about me.”
Ryan’s
eyes widened. “Excuse me? You’ve missed the passed two days of
school. You’ve holed yourself up in your
room. You’re… jesus, Seth; you’ve been
so quiet lately. I don’t know what to
do! It’s not like you. I’m worried.”
Seth’s
face went blank. Even his smile was blank
when he looked at Ryan. “I appreciate
your concern, Ryan. But I am fine.” He turned to leave and was stopped by Ryan’s
hand on his shoulder.
“See? This is what I mean.” Ryan moved around to face Seth and gripped
both shoulders in his hands. “Please,
Seth. You can tell me…” Ryan released one shoulder to run his fingers
through his hair in frustration. “I know
we haven’t had a lot of Seth/Ryan time and I’m sorry, but…”
Seth
stepped back, dislodging Ryan’s grip on his shoulder. “Stop it.
Just… just stop it, okay?”
Ryan’s
head snapped up and he blinked at Seth.
“Wha-?”
“I know
what you’re doing, so just stop. You
don’t have to pretend to worry about me, okay?
Go back to school. Go back to Lindsay. Go back to your friends, okay?” Seth sighed hard, breath shuddering as he
released it. “Just…” Seth closed his
eyes as though in pain before opening them and unconsciously letting Ryan see
the depth of his sadness. “Just go.”
Ryan
watched in horror as Seth turned and walked away from him, usual lanky body
sagging with every step.
Ryan
wanted nothing more than to go after Seth, but he was positive his legs
wouldn’t support the trip. They barely
supported his weight just standing in the kitchen so he let them collapse under
him as he slid down the refrigerator door.
What the hell just happened?
And why did Ryan feel as though he’d lost more than his best friend?
* * * * *
Seth
It took
all his strength not to run up the stairs as fast as he could. He’d barely made it into his room before his
legs gave out and he collapsed to the floor by his desk.
The scene
downstairs seemed jumbled in his mind, but he was quite certain that he’d just
ended his friendship with Ryan.
Letting
Ryan go was the hardest thing he’d ever done in his entire life. It was a hundred times worse this time than in
the beginning of the summer when Ryan left to go back to
But, he
had to do it. He had to let Ryan know
that he didn’t have to be his friend just because they lived together… just
because his parents were Ryan’s guardians.
Seth had let Ryan go of his obligation, which is what Seth had come to
realize he had been feeling. He didn’t
want to feel like an obligation. He
wanted Ryan’s friendship for friendship’s sake, not because he was an obligation.
And that
was exactly what it had come down to.
He’d had plenty of time to think about it today and while the conclusion
he’d come to was definitely not to his liking, it was the best conclusion he
could come up with at the time.
Ever
since Ryan arrived, he’d made a point of hanging out with Seth. Seth had never had anyone willing to be his friend before and it
was a nice change from the insults and beatings he got before Ryan
arrived. But, he’d also noticed that
after having lived in
So, Seth
knew that Ryan was going out of his way to include Seth. I mean,
come on! Did he honestly think that
Seth would believe him when he said that Summer wanted both of them to go to Holly’s party after the fashion show? Please! The only reason Seth was on Summer’s radar to
begin with was because he was shadowing Ryan around. And, oh yeah, Luke and his buddies beating
him up on a weekly basis. Kinda hard not
to be on someone’s radar when you’re getting your ass kicked by the water polo
team. Can’t forget that.
Seth
spent the rest of the day out by the pool thinking about the past two
years. And he’d come to several unhappy realizations:
(Number 2
was going to be the hardest thing to do, but he would do it for Ryan… ‘cause
Ryan was his friend and he’d do anything for Ryan.)
And if
Seth believed in suicide at all, he would have drowned himself in the pool at
the very moment when his brain came up with that realization. This new
result would put a serious damper on #2, but #2 had to be done. If he liked Ryan as much as his heart was
telling him, #2 had to happen.
Oh, and
by the way, when did his fucking heart have to get involved in all of
this? It was bad enough his mind was
fucking him over; he didn’t need help from his heart.
But the
two were in collusion together and there was nothing Seth could do but deal
with the fallout.
He was
sure there had been a #4, #5, and #6 and quite possibly a #7 and #8, but right
now, Seth could barely remember his name let alone numbers.
He sat
pressed into the corner between the wall and his desk in his room and
unconsciously bounced his head against the wall. He couldn’t believe that he’d actually gone
through with #2. He figured he could
have eased into it…done it over a few weeks period… hang out less and less with
Ryan until… oh who was he kidding? If
he’d waited, he would have given himself an ulcer. Plus, he never would have gone through with
it in the first place. He would have
chickened out in the typical Seth Cohen fashion. Besides which, Ryan had ambushed him this
afternoon… it just sort of happened.
He
stopped tapping his head against the wall and stared straight ahead and sighed…
deeply.
It was
over.
He’d done
it.
He’d let
Ryan off the hook.
He’d go
back to the way things were for him Pre-Ryan and let his ‘friends’ have their
lives back. It’s not like they would
miss him too much anyway. The scene at
the restaurant told him that. Besides, it
was for the best.
Trying
not to think too much because it made his head hurt and chest hurt even worse,
Seth got up, grabbed his skateboard and left his room. Maybe a few hours skating down by the pier
would help clear his head.
* * * * *
Ryan
Ryan had
sat on the floor until his ass went numb and still he couldn’t move. He had no idea what had just happened, but
something deep down told him that he lost more than just a best friend, more
than just a brother.
He was so
shocked by what happened, he didn’t hear Seth come down the stair, didn’t hear
the door open and close, didn’t hear anything other than, ‘Just go.’
The words
ran over and over and over, blending together into one word, ‘justgo, justgo,
justgojustgojustgo’ and still Ryan couldn’t seem to understand them. It was like Seth had been speaking a foreign
language. But it wasn’t just the words
that froze Ryan’s soul; it was the way they were said. He didn’t think he’d ever heard that much
misery from one person before; certainly not from Seth. Maybe one time, last year, when they had
stayed up late one night talking after one of Summer and Seth’s spats. Seth would get somewhat maudlin and decide
that he and Summer probably wouldn’t make it this time. But it never lasted and usually a quick game
of Grand Theft Auto would take care of the mood.
But to
hear the tone directed at him… it shook Ryan in the deepest part of his heart. There was a finality to it that scared Ryan
more than he’d ever been scared before.
It was like being kicked out his mom’s house, but a thousand times
worse.
Losing
Marissa never hurt this bad.
Hell, the
thought of losing Lindsay wouldn’t hurt this bad.
It was
like he lost a fundamental part of his being that, up until now, he never
realized he needed.
He
brought his knees up tight to his chest and wrapped his arms around his folded
legs. He laid his forehead on his
kneecaps and stifled a shuttering breath.
Unfortunately, the pain in his stomach wouldn’t stop. It grew and grew until Ryan was sure he would
be sick from it. He tried to hold back a
moan, but the pain was just too much.
Jumping up
from the floor, he barely made it to the downstairs bathroom before loosing
what little he’d had by way of food that day.
After
dry-heaving for a least five minutes and not feeling any better, Ryan stood up
and hovered over the sink. He couldn’t
help but look at himself in the mirror.
He was a pale, perspiring, shaking mess.
Flicking on the taps, he cupped his hands under the water flow and
brought a mouthful to his lips. He
swished the cool liquid in his mouth to erase the taste of bile, going back
several more times, some for his mouth, others to splash on his face to cool
down his overheated skin.
Once he
was sure he wasn’t going to puke up a lung, he grabbed a hand towel and dried
off, still staring at his reflection.
Looking
at his pathetic self, he suddenly made a decision to stop feeling sorry for
himself and to go up to Seth’s room and find out what the hell was going
on.
I mean what the hell had he meant
by ‘just go,’ anyway? It could have been a hundred different
meanings. Unfortunately, it was what
Seth said before that that pretty much explained everything. He had told Ryan to stop pretending that he
was worried about him and go back to his friends.
His friends. Like they weren’t Seth’s friends, too.
He was Seth’s friend, damn it!
There
were two people involved in this friendship whether Seth liked it or not and
there was no way in hell that Ryan was going to let Seth just decide they were
no longer friends without a reason. A
damned good reason, at that! That
little bastard better be dyin…
Ryan stumbled
half way up the stairs. What if that was it? What if Seth found something out and…? Ryan had to reach out for the banister to
keep from falling. No, no, that couldn’t be it.
This all began in that past two days or so. Didn’t it?
Had this been going on longer and Ryan just hadn’t noticed until
now? God! What if that were true? What if this has been going on for weeks or
months and Ryan was just now cluing in?
What did that really say
about him?
He took
the stairs two at a time now and reached Seth’s door a bit out of breath. He raised his hand to knock and the door
opened when his knuckles connected to the wood.
Pushing
the door open, Ryan ventured, “Seth?” He
took a few steps in to the room.
“Seth?” He cleared the short hall
in Seth’s room and looked around the empty room.
He could
have sworn Seth came up here after he and Ryan fought. He didn’t hear the front door. But, then again, he had been kind of in shock!
Ryan sat
down on the bed.
He had no
clue where Seth could have gone, so he decided instead of hunting Seth down, he
would wait for him on Seth’s own turf.
Ryan was
good at waiting.
He moved
his foot back to stand up and his heel kicked something under the bed. Kneeling down to see what it was, he leaned
over and looked under the frame to find one of Seth’s sketchbooks. Ryan pulled it from under the bed and sat
back down on the mattress.
He
flipped the front cover over to find an incredible drawing of himself. The sketched-him was a little buffer than he
thought himself to be, but an incredible likeness, nonetheless. Turning the page, there was another drawing
of himself. He was in a different pose,
but the likeness was… the word ‘incredible’ kept popping into his head.
He’d
known that Seth was an amazing artist.
The mural in Marissa’s room was testament to that, but this… this was
beyond fantastic.
He turned
the page again, and found yet another one of himself. Something niggled at the back of his mind and
he stopped, closing his eyes, trying to remember.
He came
in to Seth’s room last night and saw the pictures of Summer scattered over
Seth’s bed. Ryan’s head came up at the
memory. He’d tried to look through one
of Seth’s notebooks when Seth snatched it from his hand and wouldn’t let Ryan
look at it. He’d told Ryan at the time
that it was full of pictures of Summer, but looking down at the book in his
hands, Ryan realized that this must be the book that Seth had torn from his
hands.
Flipping
from one page to the next, each and every sheet had some kind of drawing of
Ryan on it. He now understood why Seth
wouldn’t want him to look at it. It
wasn’t Summer Seth was hiding from Ryan… it was Ryan himself.
Ryan
closed the book and started for the door.
He had planned to talk to
Seth about what had just happened this afternoon, but Ryan realized he needed
to think a lot more about this new revelation:
Seth
liked him. And a lot more than as just
friends. You generally didn’t obsessively
draw someone who you were just friends with.
And while there were plenty of pictures of Summer on Seth’s bed last
night, the book in Ryan’s hand more than made up for the few of Summer that
he’d seen last night.
Taking
the book with him, Ryan left Seth’s room and headed for the pool house. He had a lot of thinking to do and he
certainly couldn’t do it in Seth’s bedroom.
Plus, he really wanted to see the rest of Seth’s notebook and he didn’t
want to get caught in Seth’s room looking through his private stuff.
* * * * *
Several
hours later, Ryan was no closer to a decision than when he’d first come out to
the pool house. Not that there really was a decision to make. Well, there was, but… He was just too confused right now.
He lay on
his bed, slowly turning each page, amazed at the skill in the drawings he saw.
The
sketchbook was filled, cover to cover, with various pictures… of him. There were maybe one or two drawings of Seth
and a few more of Summer, but for the most part… all him. Or rather Kid
Most of
it too, like the Summer ones from last night, was comic themed in nature. Super hero dress. Super hero stances. Super hero backgrounds. Though many of the just-Ryan ones didn’t have
any kind of background at all. Just
Ryan.
It was
strange seeing yourself on paper.
Stranger still, seeing yourself as a comic book drawing. And strangest of all, seeing yourself on page
after page after page of a rather thick sketchpad.
He wished
his mind had a clear cut answer for him, but it was whirling at a hundred miles
per hour and he couldn’t seem to catch a clear thought to save his life.
He knew
this much:
Seth
liked him.
Seth was
an incredible artist.
Seth was
willing to forego their friendship so that Ryan could be happy.
Everything
else was jumbled up and spinning around his mind so fast, he could barely think
straight.
He wasn’t
even sure what it was that he was supposed to think about.
He knew
that Seth was his friend.
He knew
that they were closer than brothers. But
how close were they? And how close did
he want them to be?
Ryan
never really thought of Seth in that context before. Sure he and Seth were close. They were the only friends each other had for
a very long time. All the drama with
Marissa really didn’t count. Besides,
she was a girl. As far as guys were
concerned, Seth really was Ryan’s only friend… well, maybe Zach, but Ryan
didn’t really think of Zach as the hanging-around-type-friend that he did with
Seth. Zach was there because he was
going out with his best friend’s ex-girlfriend.
Okay, now that was weird. When did his life become a soap opera?
The
minute he stepped foot in
He closed
the book and set it next to his right thigh.
He rubbed his eyes and glanced at the clock, shocked that several hours
had gone by. He was hungry, but really
wasn’t ready for confronting Seth, so he secretly hoped that Seth was either
still gone or had already eaten and gone to his room.
Sliding
the book under a pillow, Ryan got up and headed for the house.
* * * * *
Luck was
sort of on his side when he opened the door to the house.
While
Seth had returned home and he was in the kitchen, his parents were currently grilling
him about missing the past two days of school.
“I can’t
believe you’d deliberately miss school and not tell us,” Kirsten said as she
stood by the sink.
Seth
stood at the entrance to the kitchen/dining room/living room with his head
down, staring at the floor.
Sandy,
who was standing near the refrigerator, stepped closer to Seth. “Well, young man, what do you have to say for
yourself?”
Apparently,
Seth had nothing to say. He didn’t budge
from his position.
“Seth
Ezekiel, answer me.”
Ryan
wanted nothing more to come to Seth’s defense.
He knew that Seth was going through a lot right now and having your
parents come down on you wasn’t helping.
But he just didn’t know what to say.
Hell, even he wanted some answers, though it was highly unlikely that
Seth’s answer to his parents would help Ryan out with his own personal
questions. Something was better than
nothing, so he stood at the open door and looked at Seth, too.
Seth
raised his head and glared at
Ryan felt
his face heat up and glanced over at Sandy, who looked over to Kirsten. Then, they both looked over at him… as though
it were his fault Seth had missed school.
Apparently
seeing this, Seth spoke up. “Uh-uh. No way.
Don’t go blaming Ryan for this.
His girlfriend shouldn’t be held responsible for taking me to school,
too. And had I known that you and mom
were gonna blow outta the house this morning, I woulda asked Lindsay for a
ride, but by the time I realized everyone had gone, it was too late.”
Having
seen both Sandy and Kirsten both deflate at Seth’s words, Ryan turned to Seth
to apologize when
“You
could have called one of us. You’re
mother or I would have come home for you.”
“Like
that would have done any good,” Ryan heard Seth mutter under his breath.
Apparently
it wasn’t quiet enough because both Sandy and Kirsten heard him, too.
“What was
that, young man?” Kirsten demanded, taking a step closer to Ryan.
Seth
looked up and suddenly, to Ryan, Seth looked like a corner rabbit about to be
pounced on by three hungry wolves.
“Just
forget it,” Seth mumbled and turned to leave.
“Oh no
you don’t. We’re not through,”
Seth
stopped short and glared at his father, who refused to move out of the way.
“That
still doesn’t explain why you missed school yesterday, too,”
Ryan
watched Seth sag and take a few steps back from his father. “I hadn’t planned on it,” Seth said softly,
head bowed.
Ryan saw
“Oh for
crying out loud!” Seth suddenly bellowed, throwing his hands in the air and
turning from his father and stepping backwards into the dining room. “We did not have a fight.” Turning to face the three others in the room,
Seth continued, “In fact, the fight we did
have didn’t even happen until this afternoon and that really wasn’t a fight
anyway.”
Ryan
flinched at Seth’s words. It sure felt
like a fight to him. There may have not
been any yelling or cursing or throwing of things, but Seth telling him to go
away was just as bad if not worse.
He
watched as Seth took a few halting steps into the living room and turned back
to his family. “I’m sorry I missed
school yesterday. There’s just…” Seth
sighed and ran fingers through his tangled hair. “It’s just… there was some stuff I needed to
think about and I just needed some time, okay?”
Ryan noticed Seth refused to look at him as he spoke. Now that he’d found Seth’s book, he could
understand a bit more what Seth was really saying.
“As for
today, though,” Seth continued, now looking at all of them. “It wasn’t my fault you left me.”
And they
all watched as Seth left through the door on the other side of living room.
Ryan felt
like he’d been punched in the gut. The
tone of Seth’s words ringing with more than just one meaning.
Ryan
stood rooted to the spot, the silence of the room just as deafening now as it
had been this afternoon when he’d turned off the music that Seth had had blaring.
Ryan’s
vision was soon blocked by Sandy who had come to stand in front of him, though
when he’d done so, Ryan didn’t know.
“Do you
know what that was about?”
Ryan
stared at
He felt a
hand on his shoulder and looked over to Kirsten, who was now standing by his
right side.
“Ryan? You okay?”
He shook his head again, hoping that was the right answer, too, but
realized he was wrong this time when he saw Kirsten and
He was
still reeling over Seth’s words. All he
could hear over and over was ‘you left me’, which was just great. Those words had now replaced ‘just go’ as
Ryan’s most hated words in the English vocabulary.
Ryan blinked
several times and started gesturing over his shoulder to the back yard. “Um, I, uh… I’m gonna go.”
The hand
on his shoulder tightened and he looked over at Kirsten. “Do you want some dinner first?”
He shook
his head, this time knowing what had been said.
“No, I’m not that hungry anymore.”
He didn’t
see the two worried sets of eyes follow him out to his pool house.
* * * * *
Seth
Seth lay
on his bed and stared at the ceiling.
Could the day get any worse? No,
no it couldn’t because the day was almost over and then it would be tomorrow… a
new day for messing up in fun and exciting ways.
Sometimes
Seth wondered if he shouldn’t have stayed in
He had
been expecting a grilling from his parents about skipping school. What he didn’t need was Ryan witnessing the whole
thing. He could see from the corner of
his eye that Ryan was expecting some answers the same way his parents were.
While he
had been skating down by the pier, he mentally reviewed the confrontation they
had had in the kitchen and realized that Ryan was probably confused by the
whole thing. He knew he sure was.
Pretty
much out of the blue, Seth had ended his friendship with Ryan without, really,
any kind of explanation. It had all been
planned out in his head, but getting all that information out of his mouth was
another story.
Besides,
Seth was definitely not going to
give Ryan the real reason behind his decision.
There was no way in hell, heaven or points in between that Seth was
ready to tell Ryan how much he liked
him. Okay, who was he kidding… how much
he was in love with him.
He wasn’t
ready to confess and he was certain Ryan wasn’t ready to hear it, either.
It was
just easier for both of them if Ryan thought Seth was ending their
friendship. Ryan could go about his
merry way not knowing about Seth’s feelings and Seth could attempt to move on.
The first
part had pretty much already happened.
It had been happening for quite awhile.
Ryan had moved on. Hell, all
of his friends had moved on. All four of
them… well, five if you included Lindsay, which he really didn’t. She was more of an acquaintance (i.e. Ryan’s
girlfriend). Oh, six, if you included
Marissa. Which he didn’t. She hadn’t really been anything more than the
girl next door, Ryan’s ex and Summer’s best friend. On second thought, she could probably be
defined more of a friend than Lindsay.
Okay. Six. Six whole friends. All of whom had moved on without him awhile
ago.
Seth
grabbed the iPod from his nightstand and slid the ear buds into place. As he searched for the right mix to end this
night, he tried to figure out why this was such a big deal. He’d been a loner for all of his
Finally
deciding on Ryan’s Songs Mix 2, he leaned over and turned off the light before
pressing ‘play’.
This was
why it was so hard, Seth figured, as a Journey song came on: Having your friendship-feelings for Ryan
change to love-feelings and knowing you can’t have him that way was ten times worse than being alone. Pining over Summer all those years was
nothing compared to Seth’s feelings for Ryan.
The
second part… the moving on part… that was going to be harder. Seth wasn’t sure how he would manage.
* * * * *
The next
day, Seth was up and out of the house before anyone else was even awake. He figured he’d skate to school. It would take him awhile, but…
There was
no point in relying on his family.
Besides, it gave him some ‘Me Time.’
Not that he really wanted any
‘Me Time,’ but he needed to get used to it, so why not start now.
He did
have the wherewithal to leave a note. No
sense in pissing off his parents any more than they already were. Or worse yet, making them think he ran away
again. He was almost sure that his
parents wouldn’t have been able to take another disappearance, especially so
soon after the first one.
He made
it to school with about thirty minutes to spare, so he made his way to the rec
room, grabbed some coffee and sat as far away from everyone else as possible.
* * * * *
Ryan
Having
had almost no sleep last night and getting no closer to deciding what he was
supposed to do, Ryan dragged himself out of bed when the alarm went off and
prayed he would get through this day without passing out from exhaustion.
Showered
and shaved and still not feeling awake, he stumbled to the house hoping a cup
of coffee would help, if even a little bit.
Once
inside, he was shocked at the empty kitchen.
Normally Seth would already be at the counter, head buried in a comic
and a half-full bowl of cereal forgotten by his side.
But
things haven’t been normal for the past few days and Ryan wondered if they ever
would again. He knew he needed to talk
to Seth, but before that could happen he needed to sort out his own feelings
first. And that was a shock in and of itself. He was sure that if flat out asked if there
was any possibility that he could return Seth’s feelings, the answer would be a
very quick, “No.”
But that
wasn’t true. He’d gone through the same
scenario several times over and over in his head and each time not only was it not a ‘no’. It wasn’t even a quick ‘no’. It was more like a ‘maybe,’ ‘possibly,’ or
‘perhaps.’ And, if he were willing to
admit it in the deepest, darkest recesses of his heart, it was a very quick
‘fuck yeah!’ But his mind refused to
acknowledge that, so it stayed hidden very, Very, VERY deep… for the time
being.
After
pouring himself an enormous cup of strong, black coffee, Ryan turned and leaned
against the counter and noticed a piece of paper on the kitchen island where
Seth normally sat.
Ryan
immediately became wary. He hated notes
on kitchen counters. At least, however,
this wasn’t written in red. Nor was it on
a paper towel. It was in blue ink on a
real piece of stationary.
Thank god
for small favors.
He leaned
over the counter and brought it closer with a tip of a finger to read.
It was
from Seth, telling them that they didn’t have to worry about taking him to
school, he would skate there himself.
Ryan
sighed and put his cup down. He had
really fucked up yesterday. Hell, they
all had. They had all left Seth
behind. It was like some whacked out
‘Home Alone’ movie. One that Ryan did
not find funny in the least.
He looked
up as Kirsten padded into the kitchen, followed shortly by
“You boys
ready for sch…”
Kirsten
looked up. “Where’s Seth?” Ryan could hear a slight tinge of panic in
her voice.
Ryan just
slid the note over to her, saying nothing.
“Damn,”
“It’s
going to take over forty minutes to skate to school,” Kirsten added, taking the
note and reading it again. She looked up
at Ryan. “When did he leave?”
Ryan shrugged. “Don’t know.
He was gone when I came in.”
“You left
without him,” Kirsten accused.
Ryan
flushed and hung his head in shame. He
was already feeling guilty; he didn’t need Sandy and Kirsten’s help.
“I’m
sorry, kiddo,”
Ryan
couldn’t speak so he just lifted a shoulder in a half shrug.
Kirsten
came over and stood next to him, concern look on her face. “Are you two all right? Is there something going on?”
Ryan
contemplated not saying anything. He really
didn’t know what to say. Especially since
he was still figuring things out and all.
But, if he didn’t go into too much detail, maybe they could give him
some advice.
And if
anything, he could really use some parental advice.
He
glanced up at Kirsten and sighed. “I…
I’m not sure. He seemed okay a few days
ago, but…”
He looked
between his two guardians. “I don’t
know. He seemed okay when he, Zach and I
went to breakfast. He was talking about
Alex and the ex and…”
“Wait a
minute,”
Ryan
blushed. “Yeah.”
“Who is
he?” Kirsten asked.
“She,”
Ryan corrected.
“She?”
Sandy and Kirsten said at the same time.
“Yeah,”
Ryan confirmed, looking down at the floor.
This was more embarrassing than he had originally planned.
“Wow,”
“But it’s
not that,” Ryan blurted out.
“How do
you mean?” Kirsten asked.
“He was
talking about maybe going to see her, to see where he stood with her. Then Summer came by and then Lindsay and he
just got up and left. I’d assumed he was
going to see her, but when I talked to him that night before I went to dinner
with Lindsay, he said he never went.”
“What did
he do all day, then?” Kirsten asked.
“I don’t
know. I never asked.” Ryan felt ashamed for admitting he never
bothered to see what Seth had been up to that first skipped day of school.
“And what
about yesterday?” Kirsten asked. “Seth
said that you had a fight?”
“It
wasn’t really a fight. More like
a…” Ryan shrugged. “I don’t know what it was. I was just kinda angry that he had me so
worried when he’d been home all that time.”
He bowed his head before admitting, “I, uh, I kinda missed afternoon
classes yesterday.”
“You,
too?”
Kirsten
shot
“I was
worried about Seth. I didn’t even know
he was missing until Lindsay asked where he was. So after class, I called home. I called after every class, but I still
hadn’t heard from him so by lunch Lindsay offered to bring me home.”
“Was he
here?” Kirsten prompted when the silence grew too uncomfortable.
“Yeah. We pretty much exchanged some words, but…”
Ryan looked up at his guardians as though they would blame him for everything
that had happened to their son. “…but
that’s it. I swear. I don’t…”
His words became muffled as
“We don’t
blame you, Ryan. It’s not your
fault. We’ll figure this out, I
promise.”
They
stood in the kitchen for a few moments until Ryan cleared his throat and tried
to pull away. As much as he loved the
hugs he got from both Sandy and Kirsten, a small part of him always felt
uncomfortable when they lasted too long.
Ryan
nodded just as there was a knock on the door.
Clearing his throat again, Ryan picked up his pack that was on the
dining room table. “Um, that would be Lindsay. I gotta go.”
“See ya
tonight, kiddo,”
“Have a
good day, sweetie,” Kirsten replied.
Ryan
waved a hand behind him as he headed for the door.
* * * * *
Ryan had
told Lindsay some of what happened with Seth, so he hoped she wouldn’t be too
mad when he jumped out of the car before she had barely gotten the car in park
and made his way into the school, not even waiting for her.
Ryan made
a bee-line for the rec room and scoped the room hoping to find Seth at one of
the couches.
About to
give up, he finally spotted him in a dark corner, sketchpad in hand, a
forgotten latte on the table in front of him.
Part of
him wanted to hash things out with Seth right here and right now, but the sane
part of his brain thankfully realized what a bad idea that was. Besides, that needed to be done in private
and he had yet to figure out what it was he actually wanted to say.
A large
part of him had a strong wish that the past few days had been a horrible
nightmare and Seth would be the boisterous, babbling, exuberant Seth that
everyone knew and loved.
Unfortunately,
that wish was denied.
Ryan tentatively
walked over to Seth.
“Hey,” he
said, sitting down on the vacant cushion.
Seth
barely looked up from his sketchpad, acknowledging Ryan with barely a small
wave. “Hey.
Ryan felt
more uncomfortable in Seth’s silence than he ever would from the too long hugs
“Uh, got
to school pretty early today, huh? Even
for you.” Ryan smiled, trying to lighten
the mood.
“Yeah. It’s faster this way.” Ryan’s breath hitched and the pain from the
words lanced through him. Here, Seth, Ryan’s mind muttered, shove that knife in a bit harder.
“Lindsay and
I would have given you a ride.”
“Don’t go
out of your way on my account,” Seth mumbled.
“I said I
was sorry about yesterday.”
“Yeah,
well,” Seth flipped his notebook to the front cover and shoved it in his book
bag. He stood up to leave.
“Seth. Please.”
Ryan stood up quickly as well and reached out a hand, snagging Seth’s
sleeve with his fingers.
He
watched Seth look down at his fingers and look back up into his face. Then the brown eyes slid to something behind
him and Ryan turned around to see Lindsay and Zach and Summer standing behind
him, watching them.
He turned
back to Seth and felt sucker-punched for the second time in as many days. The saddest smile curved Seth’s lips before
he whispered, “Just go.” His numb
fingers dropped to his side as he watched Seth walk away from him.
* * * * *
Seth
Could this be any more of the
school day from hell? Seth wasn’t sure that was possible. He knew he would have to see Ryan. Hell, they had their first class of the day
together. And while he thought he was
ready for any and all possible confrontation Ryan might throw at him, he hadn’t
been prepared for seeing Ryan first thing before class.
He was
sure he’d get a lecture for the note. He
knew how much Ryan hated notes. If you
had something to say to him, he preferred if it was said to his face. Or at the very least on the phone. Notes and Ryan were not good friends. In fact,
they were pretty much sworn enemies.
But Seth
just could not deal this morning
with overly solicitous parents and best friends. Wait!
Ex best friends. If Seth was
serious about this ‘letting go’ thing, he was going to have to stop referring
to Ryan as his best friend.
That
certainly didn’t mean that he would not talk to anyone. There would just be no more hanging out.
Case in
point… Lunch time.
Seth
snagged a table on the veranda overlooking the water. He put down his tray and pulled out his
notebook, intent on doing some more drawing.
It wasn’t as if he had anything better to do.
Hey! It was either that or homework and who wanted
to do homework at school? Hence the
name: HOMEWORK.
However,
not more than a minute later, Zach came and sat down at his table.
“Hey
there. You mind?”
Seth
waved his hand in a do-what-you-want manner and continued sketching.
Zach sat
up straighter, trying to catch what Seth was doing over the top of the
pad. Finally catching a glimpse, he
said, “That is really phenomenal, man.
You should really think about doing your own comic book.”
Seth
smiled but didn’t look up. “Thanks, dude.”
“I’m
serious,” Zach continued. “You’re
incredible.”
Seth
snorted lightly and glanced up at his table companion. “Yeah, well, thanks, but we’d be the only
readers, so what’s the point, huh?”
“No way,
Cohen. I bet there’d be plenty of people
who’d be interested.”
Seth
quirked a corner of his mouth. “Yeah,
well…”
“Dude! I’m serious!”
“Yeah,
you said that already.”
Zach
grinned and started in on his lunch.
Not two
bites into his sandwich, Summer came over and sat down next to Zach.
“What’s
going on?” She asked, looking up at Zach and glancing over at Seth.
And
though Seth may have been busy sketching, he was also paying very close
attention to his surroundings. And the
concerned look she gave Zach did not go unnoticed.
Zach
smiled at Summer. “Just trying to
convince Cohen here that he should turn his sketches into a graphic novel.”
Seth
could practically hear Summer roll her eyes.
“Ah, not that again. Sweetie
there are other things other than comic books.”
“Yes, I
know that, but he’s really good. You
should…”
“No! I don’t want to see Cohen’s doodles, okay?”
Seth had
had enough. Besides, he could see Ryan
and Lindsay head his way and he really wasn’t in the mood to turn this into
another Couples Plus Seth meal. He
shoved his pen and notebook in his bag and stood up.
“Hey! Where are you going?” Zach asked, looking up
with confusion.
“Yeah, we
just got here,” Ryan added, sitting down in the seat closest to Seth.
Seth
ignored Ryan and addressed Zach. “Look,
dude. Your woman doesn’t want you to
talk about comics and I don’t want to be the cause for yet another Zach/Summer
fight, so…” He saw Summer’s eyes widen
before turning and leaving The Couples to their lunch.
* * * * *
Fortunately
for Seth, the period after lunch was study hall, so it was pretty much an
extended lunch.
Unfortunately
for Seth, the period after lunch was also study hall for Zach, Summer, Ryan and
Lindsay.
Normally
he would have gone to the rec room, had some coffee, drawn in his sketchpad,
and maybe chatted with his ‘friends’.
Now, the rec room was the last place he wanted to be.
He was
sure that if Summer ever caught up to him, he’d be getting a verbal ass kicking
after that display at lunch. He’d also
probably have to deal with confused and/or concerned looks from both Zach and Lindsay. And he didn’t even want to think about what
he’d get from Ryan. Probably all of the
above and a whole hell of a lot more.
So, Seth
shoved everything into his locker, grabbed his skateboard and made his way out to
the quad. That way, if anyone tried to
talk to him, he could pretend not to hear them and skate away.
* * * * *
Ryan
He
watched Seth walk away from the table and frowned.
“What the
hell’s with him,
Ryan set
his tray down. He was torn between going
after Seth and leaving him alone. School
was the last place for a confrontation to take place between the two of them;
especially with the topic involved. But
he couldn’t just let what Seth said go.
It wasn’t like Summer was actually pissed at him. Ryan could tell she was more shocked and
worried than anything else. Seth had never spoken that way to anyone before
and that concerned those who knew him best:
Ryan and Summer.
Turning
to look Summer in the eye, allowing a look to pass between them, Ryan stated,
“I don’t know, but I’m gonna find out.”
Summer
didn’t say anything further and merely nodded her head.
* * * * *
Ryan had
planned on searching the rec room first, but almost ran Seth over in the hall in
his haste to get there.
Gripping
Seth’s arm in a punishing grip, Ryan practically dragged Seth down the hall to
the nearest bathroom. Walking inside,
Ryan checked under the stalls, making sure no one else was in the room before
turning around and locking the door.
Only after the door was lock did Ryan let go of a now furious Seth.
Standing
in front of the door, Ryan crossed his arms and waited for the explosion. It didn’t take long.
“What the
fuck was that?!” Seth yelled, pacing up to Ryan’s face and then
retreating.
“That’s
what I want to know,” Ryan replied.
“What you said to Summer wasn’t very nice.”
Seth
threw his hands in the air. “I wasn’t
talking to Summer, dude. I was talking
to Zach.”
Ryan
rolled his eyes. “Either way, it wasn’t
very nice.”
Seth
turned to Ryan and crossed his arms over his chest. “Oh, and I suppose all the crap she says
about me is, huh?”
Ryan
didn’t say anything and continued to stare at Seth. He was on foreign soil. This was a Seth he’d never seen before. He was sure this was a Seth that Seth hadn’t been before and it was freaking everyone out.
The
staring match continued for another minute before Seth sighed heavily and
backed down, pacing to the other side of the room and looking up out the window
to the small patch of sky, back turned to Ryan.
Lowering
his arms, Ryan slowly made his way across the room towards his friend. About half way there, he saw Seth tense as he
got closer and stopped. He didn’t want
to scare Seth any more than he apparently already was.
“Seth,
please,” Ryan quietly pleaded. “What’s
going on with you? I’ve never seen you
like this and…” Ryan sighed and looked down.
The next words were practically indistinguishable. “It’s scaring me.”
He looked
up and saw that Seth’s forehead was now resting on the wall; shoulders slumped
in what could only be resignation.
Before
his mind could tell his mouth to shut up (and
when did I turn into Seth Cohen anyway?), Ryan blurted, “I know about the
notebook.”
The second
he said those words, he knew it was the wrong thing to say. The wrong place, the wrong time, the wrong
everything.
Seth’s
entire body tensed so much it looked like he would crack and shatter into a
million pieces. Ryan was prepared for
Seth to whirl on him and shout his indignation… scream his fury, but he did
neither. He was so still, Ryan wondered
if he was even breathing.
He was by
Seth’s side in a second, hand on the nape of Seth’s neck. “Seth, I’m sorry, I just…”
“You had
no right.” Words whispered so low Ryan had to lean forward to hear them.
“Seth,
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I just…”
He could feel Seth begin to shake under his palm and he moved around to
try to squeeze in between Seth and the wall.
“Seth, please.”
When Seth
looked up, Ryan’s fractured heart crumbled.
He had never seen that much pain from anyone. And to see it in his best friend… His world shattered.
Misery
was etched deep in Seth’s eyes and Ryan realized at that exact moment that he
was about to lose Seth. And without Seth
in his life, he had nothing… he was
nothing. Anguish was pouring off of
Seth’s frame and Ryan knew that if he didn’t say something now, it really would be over.
“Seth…”
But
before he could even begin, Seth whispered, “You had no right, Ryan. It was none of your business. You had no right.”
Ryan
continued to crowd Seth against the wall, fearing that if Seth had time to
escape, everything would be over.
Finding
it very hard to keep eye contact with those tormented brown eyes, Ryan
confirmed. “Yes. I did.”
Seth’s
narrowed his eyes in a flash of anger.
“No, it wasn’t any of your business.”
“It is
when it involves me,” Ryan replied.
“It was
my private book,” Seth whispered. “You
had no right.”
Silence
filled the room before Ryan leaned forward and asked, “When were you going to
tell me?”
Seth
closed his eyes.
“Seth?”
Seth
started shaking his head.
“Seth,
please. When were you…?” Ryan pleaded.
Seth
jerked his head up and sorrowful brown eyes lock on Ryan’s own equally
despondent ones. “Never! Okay?
Never. I was never going to tell
you.” Seth inhaled a shaky breath and
closed his eyes again, head dropping to his chest. “You weren’t supposed to know. I was never going to tell you,” he repeated
so quietly and with so much heartbreaking emotion, Ryan wasn’t sure if he could
keep himself from crying.
Swallowing
hard, Ryan massaged the back of Seth’s neck and took a deep breath of his
own. “Why?”
He felt
Seth try to shrink back and tightened his palm around Seth’s nape.
“Because.”
“Seth…
‘because’ why?”
Bright,
tear-filled brown eyes looked up at him.
“Jesus, Ryan, do you need a list?”
Ryan
didn’t say anything which pretty much said everything. Seth sighed.
“Fine. Let’s see…” Seth lifted a
hand and began counting off. “Number
one: you’re a guy. It’s kinda hard to
tell a guy, your best friend, nonetheless, that you have feelings for him. Number two: you’re my best friend… see number
one. Number three: we have girlfriends. Well, you have a girlfriend and I had a girlfriend. We like girls. Number four: we’re straight. Well, you’re straight. I thought I was, but…” Seth shrugged and sighed again. “Number five: you don’t need any more shit in
your life than what you’ve already gone through. Having your guardian’s son fall in love with
you would just add on to everything and I didn’t want to put you through all
that.”
Ryan’s
eyes widened when Seth said he loved him.
He kind of already knew from the drawings and stuff, but to have Seth
lay it out in front of him… well, it was just unreal.
“Number
six…”
Ryan’s
lips quirked up as Seth moved to his other hand.
“Okay, I
get it,” Ryan said bemusedly.
Seth
turned serious eyes on Ryan and dropped his hands. “Do you?
Do you really?”
Ryan was
silent, not sure how to respond. Seth
dropped his chin to his chest. Ryan felt
like an idiot. Here was Seth, opening
his heart up and revealing his deepest, innermost feelings, and Ryan was
standing in front of him like a statue; not saying a word.
Finally,
Ryan sighed. “Seth, I…” A knock on the door startled them both. Ryan clinched his unoccupied fist and bit his
tongue. Now was definitely not the time
or place for this conversation, but he wouldn’t let Seth leave without making
sure there would be a further
conversation.
He turned
around without moving away from Seth. “Fuck off!”
Ryan yelled. He heard a muffled,
“Fuck you” before all was quiet once again.
Turning
back to Seth, there was a glimmer of amusement in those brown eyes, but not
enough to even begin to erase the heartache.
Seth quickly looked away.
“Seth,
I…” Ryan reached up with his previously
clenched fist and guided Seth’s chin up so they were facing each other. “Seth.
I’m really not sure about my feelings right now okay? But…”
He felt Seth try to slide back against the wall and away, but a stall
behind him and Ryan in front of him stopped Seth from going anywhere.
Waiting
until Seth looked up, even if he wasn’t looking at Ryan, Ryan continued. “But I know you’re my best friend. I know you are so much more than my best friend,” he amended. “And, I know that I need you.” Seth looked at him now, disbelief conflicting
with his despair.
“But I
need some time.” He felt Seth sag. “Just… I need to get things straight in
here,” he pointed to his head. “Because
I already know what’s in here,” he placed his free hand over Seth’s heart. “Can you do that? Can you give me time?”
Seth’s
eyes were becoming watery again and Ryan watched as he desperately tried to
blink them away.
A full
minute passed and Seth hadn’t said a word.
He was beginning to panic because for the first time since they’d met,
Ryan was unable to read Seth.
“Seth?”
Seth
looked down at Ryan’s hand which was still on his chest; uncertainty wavering
in his face. “I don’t know…” Seth finally
said, breaking the uncomfortable silence.
“Just
until I can get this,” Ryan slid the hand at Seth’s nape up into his hair,
bringing their foreheads together, “to agree with this,” he lightly rubbed the
palm still on Seth’s chest over his heart.
“Please.”
Seth said
nothing, but nodded his head.
“Okay?”
Ryan asked, desperately needing the words.
Seth
closed his eyes and remained quiet.
“Seth?”
Ryan was becoming nervous. A silent Seth
always had the ability to knock him off balance, and this whole thing was
making it a billion times worse.
Finally,
“What if…”
Ryan
quickly removed the hand from Seth’s hair and placed those fingers over Seth’s
mouth.
He shook
his head. “Not gonna happen. I just need…”
“Some
time,” Seth finished for him.
“Yeah,”
he breathed.
Seth
leaned his head back and looked him in the eye.
“Okay.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.”
“Okay,”
Seth repeated.
After
another moment of silence, Ryan said, “I don’t know how long it will
take.” He wanted Seth to know that while
he was sure there would be a them;
he just wasn’t sure when they would
be a them.
Seth
nodded. “No pressure. I promise,” Seth assured.
Ryan
smiled a real smile for the first time in three days. “Okay.”
He looked
at Seth and was pleased to see that while the melancholy still hovered over
Seth, the soul-deep desolation was slowly disappearing. He had no doubt that Seth would not bring it
up at all until Ryan was ready, and for that he was very thankful.
Ryan
moved a few steps back from Seth.
“Class?”
Seth lifted
his skateboard. “Naw, I think I’m gonna
go to the quad.”
Ryan
smiled. “I think it’s a little late for
that.”
Seth’s
eyebrows furrowed. “No, I have study
hall.”
A corner
of Ryan’s mouth quirked up. “I think we
used up our study hall.”
Seth scowled. “In the bathroom of all places.” He moved towards Ryan and the two boys headed
for the door.
Before
Ryan unlocked it, he turned to Seth. “We
okay?”
Seth
blushed and ducked his head before looking Ryan in the eye. “We will be.”
Ryan
smiled. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Finis