Late Night Rituals

By Jinx

The first time Ryan found Seth outside by the pool in the middle of the night, feet dangling in the water listening to his iPod, was a few days after the Cohen’s officially became Ryan’s guardians.

He had been unable to sleep in the warm summer night, and after cracking open all the doors of the poolhouse, Ryan lay stretched out on this bed staring at the dark ceiling. It had been several hours of sleeplessness when a small splashing sound permeated his brooding thoughts. He sat up and squinted his eyes, trying to see what was making the noise, thinking that someone might be having a late night romp in the pool.

He stood up and made his way over to the door and stopped short… Seth was sitting with his feet in the water, iPod glinting in the moonlight in his lap. Seth sat staring straight ahead, watching the moon reflect off the ocean. The slight rocking motion of Seth’s body was evidence that he was listening intently to his music; and whether he was paying any attention to the ocean he was staring at was anyone’s guess.

Ryan had a thought that he might go out and join Seth so the two could be awake in the middle of the night together. He stepped forward and was reaching out for the doorknob when Seth slowly sat forward, eyes now focused on the water at his feet. For some reason, Ryan froze. He cocked his head and could barely make out Seth softly mouthing the words to the song. Ryan suddenly realized that it wasn’t the emo crap that Seth usually listened to. It was a song of sadness, of not belonging, of being alone. And Ryan felt deep down in that instant that if he were to go out to Seth… if Seth were to see that he was being watched, that he had company, Ryan knew for a fact that he would never see Seth out by the pool ever again.

It was suddenly blindingly clear that this was something that Seth had been doing for a very long time. It was as much a ritual for Seth as surfing was for Sandy or drinking was for half of the Newport women elite. And Ryan didn’t want to ruin this for Seth, so he sat down by the cracked open door and watched.

This was a side of Seth that Ryan doubted anyone saw…

Ever.

This was the not-confident Seth.

This was the quiet Seth.

This was the real Seth.

And Ryan suddenly realized in that one perfect moment that this was the Seth that he wanted to take care of… to protect… to maybe even love one day.

He was sure that he wasn’t privy to all the late night Seth-by-the-pool sessions, but whenever the sound of water woke Ryan up in the middle of the night, he would make it a point to get up and peek out the door to see if Seth was, indeed, outside. If it was Seth, Ryan would carefully crack open the door and take his place on the floor, leaning against the door jam. He would wrap his arms around his drawn up knees and rest his chin or cheek on a knee while keeping watch over Seth.

It was something that he found himself looking forward to more and more often over the past two years.

Not because he knew that Seth was sad. Nothing could hurt Ryan more than a sad Seth. But because it showed Ryan a side of Seth that only he knew about… only he saw. Even if Seth never showed Ryan when they were awake, these moments made him feel closer to Seth than any other time of the day or night.

And this time was no different than the other sleepless nights… Ryan lay staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out his Marissa problem… again… for the hundredth time, when the sound of slashing water jerked him from his thoughts.

He sat up and saw Seth lying on his back on the hard concrete besides the pool, feet kicking slowly in the water, eyes fixed somewhere in the heavens. Ryan got up and moved to the door, quietly turning the handle. He was about to sit down when the silence of the night was broken with, “Why don’t you come out, Ry?”

Ryan blinked several times, unsure if he were hearing correctly or if he’d imagined it. He had imagined confrontations between him and Seth several times over the past two years, and every single one ended with Seth being angry that he had been spied upon and the two boys never speaking to each other ever again.

Yes, Ryan had major issues when it came to disagreements with Seth. First and foremost was his fear of loosing Seth’s friendship; and being abandoned by Seth was worse than being dumped by his mother. He had expected his mom walking out on him. Had experienced it first hand on several occasions. But Seth leaving him was unthinkable and the mere thought alone always left him feeling cold and empty.

“Ryan.”

Ryan’s head jerked up and he could barely make out Seth’s body lying on the concrete, but he could see the curly head turned his way, watching him.

Still, the shock of being called out had Ryan frozen in his tracks and he was afraid to move… still afraid that he had only been hearing things. If it weren’t for the fact that Seth was staring at him, Ryan would have been able to convince himself that it had all been in his imagination.

However, when Seth’s right arm stretched out towards Ryan with an accompanying, “Ry.” Ryan’s feet spoke for him and moved his body out of the poolhouse and towards Seth.

Still unsure of his welcome, Ryan stopped next to Seth’s outstretched hand and looked down quizzically at his friend.

There was no typical Seth grin. There was no hundred-words-a-minute Seth ramble. Seth stared at the feet in front of him before running a finger down the top of Ryan’s bare left foot. He then patted the cool ground next to him before turning his head back up to the stars.

Confused by this new turn of events, but not wanting to break the surreal mood that Seth had created, Ryan lay down next to Seth, mimicking his position: feet hanging in the water, hands resting comfortably on his stomach, staring at the sky above them.

After a few minutes, he was broken out of his reverie when Seth nudged his left arm with his elbow. Ryan looked over and Seth had his left earbud of his iPod in his right hand, silently handing it over to Ryan. Ryan frowned for a moment as he reached out to remove the proffered ear piece and placed it in his left ear. The cord couldn’t stretch as far away as Ryan was from Seth, so he scooted closer and tilted his head so that his temple barely brushed against Seth’s.

His eyes widened when he realized it wasn’t the emo he was used to Seth listening to. Just as before, from the very first time he had found Seth out by the pool in the middle of the night, the music was slow, sad and lonely. Ryan frowned harder when the current song gave way to punk/metal speaking of walking lonely roads and then another screaming of feeling crazy and paranoid and yet still another singing of, of all things, unrequited love.

Ryan turned his head to look at Seth and his eyes widened, barely able to hold in a gasp… something he had never seen because of the distance between the pool and the poolhouse: Seth’s eyes glistened brightly with unshed tears.

Never in all the times Ryan had watched over Seth, never during all those night for the past two years, did Ryan see Seth wipe away tears. Seth’s body language never once betrayed the fact that Seth was suffering to this degree. Ryan wanted to kick himself for not seeing it sooner. He was supposed to be Seth’s friend… Seth’s best friend. But he realized, like everyone else in Newport, he’d never taken the time to really know Seth. And Seth was suffering because of it. Had been suffering for the past two years. Who knew how long Seth had been coming out to the pool in the middle of the night before Ryan arrived?

“Seth?” Ryan asked quietly. Not even sure what it was he wanted to say. ‘I’m sorry’ was so inadequate for, what was apparently, a very deep pain for Seth.

Seth turned to Ryan, the left side of his mouth twitching up in a small self-deprecating smile. He shook his head, silently begging Ryan not to speak.

Ryan nodded his head once and turned his head back up to look at the stars at the same time as Seth did, but not before reaching his left hand over and taking Seth’s right, linking their fingers together.

The last song faded and both boys continued to stare up at the slowly lightening sky. Ryan reached his right hand over his chest to remove his earpiece from his left ear not wanting to let go of Seth’s hand. He reached over and removed Seth’s from his right ear, letting them drop by their heads.

Another twenty minutes passed before Ryan realized that not only was the sky getting that much lighter, but his back was starting to hurt from the concrete. Removing his water-logged legs from the pool, Ryan turned to Seth and was shocked to find dark brown eyes staring at him in wonder and a bit of disconcertion.

He smiled at Seth as he slowly sat up, pulling Seth up with him. Seth frowned at him, eyebrows coming together in confusion.

Ryan shook his head, answering Seth’s unasked question. They would talk about everything in the morning or tomorrow night or next week or… some other time. Tonight, however, was not the time.

Once Ryan stood, he pulled Seth up and the two boys stared at each other, silently making promises to each other. After a moment, Ryan grinned when he saw Seth smile. He decided that things would be different from this moment on.

Ryan led Seth to the poolhouse, the iPod laying forgotten by the pool. Once inside, Ryan pulled Seth down on the bed, fingers still interlaced. He used his free hand to slowly trace Seth’s bottom lip before leaning forward and brushing his lips against Seth’s own.

It was a promise… a promise of change and a promise of things to come.

Ryan hoped this would be a new ritual from now on… for the both of them.

Finis

5/22/05